SWE: Sex Tips From a Dominatrix

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? 'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information about Sex with Emily, go to sexwithemily.com where you can listen to our podcast, sign up for our mailing list, buy sex toys, and do all that fun stuff. Also, please subscribe to our RSS feed so you'll never miss another Sex with Emily show. As you know, we're doing more shows now. We're doing 3 to 4 shows a week. This is what we call a quickie episode. And I'm so excited to have my guest here, Sarah Miller. Hi, Sarah. Hi. Hi. That was very sexy. Hello, Sarah. I met in sex school. And as you know, I'm in grad school right now for sex, and Sarah is one of my buddies from class. She is a dominatrix. She is into a lot of kinky stuff. And she's gonna talk to us about it right now. And at first I wanna start with, oh, first we have a word from our advertiser. Adam and Eve. Okay, so as you know, I could never ever have enough sex toys. So whenever there's a huge discount, I totally jump at the chance to get that toy. So any toy you've been wanting to get, Hitachi Magic Wand, even a Pocket Rocket, whatever. Sarah, what's your favorite sex toy?

The Rock Chick, actually. I don't know if they say chick.

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Sexually, you know, all encompassing, I'm a queer feminist pervert. Okay, that's how I got it.

So you're with men, women?

I'm with, yeah, everyone. Everyone.

Okay.

Pretty much. Hopefully.

So let's go back in time. What was your first sexual memory experience? The first time you remember getting turned on?

First time I remember getting turned on.

Or just having a sexual feeling.

Yeah. When I was really, really little, either like watching TV. I don't know. I remember, I remember masturbating probably when I was like, Either 5th grade or younger. I don't know how old that is.

How old is that?

Like, you know?

Yeah. Like 10 or something. No. And then you masturbated and did you have an orgasm?

Oh yeah. Mm-hmm.

You did just by touching yourself. Mm-hmm. Bitch. So, and then you, um, so clitorally or did you? Oh yeah.

Well see, I could, oh, back, you know, when you were a kid, like you could touch yourself outside of your underwear and have an orgasm.

Yeah.

It was incredible.

Yeah. Yeah. I heard about that. Um, that didn't happen to me, but, um, so you remember that and then were you with, when did you, have sex, intercourse, PV sex, whatever. Yeah.

What if it was just the tip?

A tip of the penis?

You know, you know how you used to like be like, oh, here's the tip. Ouch.

Oh yeah. And then you don't.

So that first time?

Yeah.

Uh, I think I was like 15.

You were 15?

Yeah.

And was it a good experience? Just the tip?

Oh yeah, it was really— well, it was really hot. And yeah, it was really hot.

It was with a guy? It was with a guy, obviously, because it was a tip.

Yeah, it was tip with the penis. But you know, it was like, it's kind of like, oh, sticking it. Oh no, not really. Uh, you know, right?

Yeah, kind of the back and forth. Am I ready to do it?

Well, it wasn't even— it was just like, it kind of hurt. And so that's when you knew you went a little bit far. You were I don't know, whatever.

Right. Okay. So and then what about— so when did you first experiment with women?

I think I've always been a little bit playful with like playful with women. Though I did miss out on that. I told you like I missed out on the hot little sexcapades of little girls. Probably the first kiss. My first kiss with a chick was probably when I was 15, too, actually.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then you— when did you progress? Was it— so that was awesome. That was awesome.

That was awesome.

I was like bragging about it.

Like I was like, guys, look at what we're doing? We're girls and we're kissing, huh? Like, yeah.

And how does your family feel about it? Do they know?

Oh man, they don't— they don't care. They don't really care about anything. Yeah, really?

They're just kind of accept— they just accept you for—

no, no, there's a difference between accepting and just not giving a shit about it.

Exactly. Because your life is— I mean, you're really— so you— where do you live?

Uh, Denver.

Denver. You live in Denver. And so you— and so for a living, you are— you've been a pro dom, a Matrix. And what else do you do? You do education?

I do victim advocacy. Um, I do, yeah, gynecologic teaching. So I I teach medical students how to do pelvic and breast exams.

And they do mine?

You're kidding? Yeah. So I get hundreds of exams.

You must be really healthy. You must have a really healthy pelvic area.

I mean, I've been checking. Oh, this is— here's part of the reason I've been doing so many self-exams. We were just talking about doing— looking at our own pussies or whatever, because I encountered— or I had a partner who has genital warts. So I've been looking like every day just to like because I'm kind of a little freaked out.

Did you just find out that she or he—

he—

you just found out that he had him? He didn't tell you, or—

no, or actually she. Sorry, she.

Oh, you forgot.

Oh God. Oh, I need to get spanked for messing with the pronoun. No, it's pronoun gender. So male-bodied, female-identified. Okay, but not trans. It's— anyway, um, yeah. So no, no, I knew. No, I knew. Um, but so you've been checking? Yeah.

Okay, thank God. So, okay, so let's talk about sex with women. Okay, let's talk about you. What Okay, so what do you think? What have you learned about women's bodies? Like, what's it like? What's like a tip that you can give, for example, performing oral sex? Is there any like special things that you could teach someone if they want to know about how— I always feel like men could learn a lot from women.

Oh, for sure.

Going down on other women. Like, what are some tips that you—

you know what though, here's the thing is I can tell you a lot of stuff based on the things that I've gotten done to me. But sometimes when you get like a pussy in your face, it's like you get stage fright sometimes. You never—

you get stage fright?

Yeah, I know I don't. You— okay, crap, I'm digging a hole now. But I have— there's been times where I've been like, oh shit, oh fuck.

I think that a lot of men feel that.

Well, and because women are so drastically different from each other, so I have— you know, there's women who love to get like their clitoral— like their clitoris sucked or like flicked or, you know, hit or whatever. Um, so I think, you know, I personally love If somebody's doing oral sex, yeah, what do you like? Getting fingered at the same time.

So love it, finger and licking at the same time.

Yeah, and, and don't just— I don't know, don't just kind of like lick, like don't just kind of lick with your tongue, like get all up in there, you know, stick your face in there, nose, everything, just rub it all, right? That's good.

Okay, what else?

Like you love it.

Okay, so finger, so finger's good. So you could have like a— do you have, or do you orgasm? How do you orgasm? Clitorally or G-spot or both?

Both. Yeah, I, they're different for me. So I can come a lot with like, you know, with G-spot stimulation, I can ejaculate, which is a different sensation than coming, which is a different sensation than like clitoral orgasms. So a clitoral orgasm, I can be spent, like I can be satisfied, but I can come multiple times from G-spot stimulation, but I'm not fully satisfied yet.

Right.

Okay.

Yeah. That makes sense.

But I can have, but I can have multiple clitoral orgasms in a row, but if I can also have just one and be like, cool.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay. Got it. So what about the female ejaculation? That comes up a lot on the show. Tell me, you, you had, you taught yourself how to do it or you learned, you think that you learned more through our class.

Well, no, no, no, I know. So I've known a lot about female ejaculation, how to, like, you know, practicing and practicing, and you always kind of like, you always try for it, and it's always like, oh, it's just not happening. So, you know, we did our class and we got naked, and, um, we talk about this in the next show that you'll hear.

We're gonna get into class more.

Yeah, yeah. So I mean, but like, you get— we got rid of our body image issues. So anything, you know, like if I felt like I was fat or whatever, like, I got over it. Um, And when I went home, I actually also had a couple new partners. So that might have been it as well. And some experienced partners. But having that total, you know, freedom and none of those inhibitions, you know, like I wasn't scared about how I looked or whatever, whatever. And I just let go. And I was with a partner who was very talented and I just ejaculated like buckets. It was great.

Wow.

Yeah. And now I can do it. I've actually— I've had two different partners who have made me ejaculate on command. It's the weirdest.

What do you mean?

Like, 3, 2, 1, now. And I will, like, with stimulation. Like, they'll be stimulating me and they're like, okay, and you're gonna do it right now.

Wow.

Like, you can feel it when it's starting to build up, but I mean, the actual release—

and it's a lot that comes out, right? It's like wet the—

yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And it does exist. Yeah, I know. No, I've had a little—

it can be a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I've had that experience. I mean, I know what you're talking about. Okay. So what about, um, so personally for you, what would you say is like the thing that turns you on the most? Have you had anything? If to be like, God, that, that was— or like, if you think back to your most like hottest sex experience, I'm sure you've had many. What do you think?

There's a few, I guess. There's a lot of things I love.

Yeah, a lot is good.

I love group, group sex.

Group sex. How many people in a group?

The more the merrier. The more the merrier. We've been having orgies at my house every Friday. Really? So yeah, about anywhere from 3 to 6, 7 people.

And then how does that exactly break down? How does that work? I've never had an orgy with 6 people.

Oh wow. Well, I mean, well, so yeah, I mean, it can be— it usually we start out with like, you know, group massage and things like that. So we'll all maybe massage one person and then it just kind of gets freakier and freakier from there. So, um, for instance, like, we have— okay, so we had, we had a new woman actually come, uh, this last time or whatever that we did it. And so a guy was going— was eating her out while I was fingering her and somebody was fingering me at the same time. And then other people were just kind of like rubbing up on us or doing whatever. And then when that kind of broke up, then, you know, two girls got on one guy or whatever on the couch, and then I was fucking somebody else while they were like, you know, so it's kind of—

and you're with men and women.

Yeah.

Okay. And it's all the same. It's all feels good.

Oh, it's totally— yeah, it's totally fluid. It's crazy. It's, it's, yeah, it's absolutely fluid. It's all just about the enjoyment and pleasure. Doesn't matter who's doing it.

That's, that's amazing that you can do that. A lot of people like are not able to do that. So they're men, gay men, Are you?

There are. There actually.

Yeah.

I have a friend.

My—

the queen to my king, to me being the king, is gay. And I was actually kind of his most cisgender experience, like his closest female-identified, female-bodied experience, sexual experience.

What happened? What did he do to you?

Well, I actually was fucking his knee while he was getting butt-fucked on top of me. Wow. That was amazing. And no, and I've sucked his dick and stuff like that. So.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then did he orgasm?

No, no, not yet. Okay, not a lot.

Got it. That's crazy life there in Denver. Let's talk about— okay, we talked about this a little bit, but, but you're so— you're pro-domme and you get like— I picture you like in the vinyl and doing things. And so, and it's men. Is it the— oh no, no, this I want to talk about because we talked about this actually a little later. But on your, on your personal life, your personal like relationships that you're in, are you— is it always Are you always in the power play? Are you doing that?

No, no. I, and that's the thing. I think personally, like if I, there's so many times where I just crave to just, just get me like, just let's just fuck like regular good old sex. And I think, I think other people are actually put off more by me doing, being so kinky that they feel like they have to step it up and make it kinkier or something.

Right.

But then sometimes if I wanna be kinky, they don't know how to be. It's really, it's kind of annoying, um, to find the balance of things.

Right. Sometimes I'm like, well, there's probably a lot of expectations, like looking at you, knowing you being like, oh, she's expecting this.

And yeah, they just want to be more organic and fluid. Yeah. Or they're expecting me to dominate them when I'm like, no, just okay, here's, I'm going to dominate you. Like sit there and I don't know, you know, like it's, yeah, there's a lot of expectation and I don't know. Um, but there, there is a lot of good stuff and like, you know, I don't know. I think most of my sexual experiences, I probably have face slapping and spitting and spanking.

Are you doing the face, the spitting in the face slapping?

It's mutual. Yeah.

Mutual. And if it turns you on, so explain that to me. So explain to me like if someone slaps you where? It turns you on?

Um, uh, spanking I think is probably— spanking turns me on the most. Yeah, sometimes like getting your tits hit, sometimes. Um, I really like to wrestle, so of course I can— the number one fantasy for women is rape, right? Right. Um, so I definitely— I do really like the power play. I love wrestling. If that— it's kind of crazy.

Yeah, yeah, that's hot with women and men, whoever.

Yeah, whoever. Well, with men mostly. With women, it's weird. I feel like I just have more respect for women or something. No, no, not respect. Um, But I care more like about not hurting women in general. It's kind of weird. That's not true, actually. I do, but I've definitely got—

we break it down.

You've done it all, chicks, right? It just depends on the chick. Sometimes they are like, dominate me.

Okay. Yeah. So Sarah and I are in this class together, which we talk about in the next show, which you're listening to, is that— but we talk about our class and all the stuff that we've had to do. So everyone in class, like, I mean, everyone comes and brings their different perspective, but is everyone like sleeping together too that I didn't know about? No, no. I feel like I'm I'm surprised there's not like a class orgy or anything. Well, there has been and I missed it.

Not like an entire class orgy, but we've definitely done sexual play and stuff like that with each other in different ways. You know, they're not as much as I would expect. Most of the chicks in our class unfortunately are monogamous relationships or they're hetero. So I've had a lot of chicks who are kind of like, ooh, Sarah, you know, maybe not, maybe. And they're like clit teasing me and it's kind of annoying. You guys, stop it.

Stop clit teasing Sarah.

Sarah, put out.

Okay, so what would be your, if you had to tell men, like what would you think the men that you've been with, are there any things that repeatedly happen that you're like, I wish that guys wouldn't do blank? Like, what do you think they need to know? If you could send a message to all men in the world?

All men in the world, communicate. Just communicate. Just ask what you need to ask, tell what you need to tell, and communicate sexually. Every— yeah, sexually. If you want to, if you want to stick something in my ass, just ask. Just ask.

Don't do it. Just ask.

Just ask. Yeah, just— I mean, and that's the thing is it's never true. Okay, that would be I think number one is, yeah, communication. I mean, tell me what you want. Scream.

Communication is lubrication.

Oh yeah. Oh, that's perfect. That and put a condom on. Just put a condom on.

Put a condom on.

It's not that fricking hard, right? Fricking, that's the sexiest thing. It's so sexy to me when it's like, I'm gonna put this condom on, you know? And you can, oh, right. Hot.

You have to, you have to use condoms.

Yes.

People don't, people, it amazes me. There was a study that came out last week that said like Americans don't use condoms.

It's disgusting. And, and it's, it's the biggest turnoff. I had, I had a guy recently who emailed me and he was like, you know, I just, condoms suck. And, uh, you know, my response was just like, no, they don't.

Right. I hate when guys are like, condoms are bad. They hurt.

They feel— yeah, I can't feel anything.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, right, right.

You're right. That's a good one. Anything else for men? So what about men? And what about— okay, we talked about oral sex. Is there anything— what about when you're with a woman? Is there anything like a woman can do that really turns you on or that you— or you may just turn off?

Or I think, I think, um, assertiveness, like assertiveness and being kind of like not necessarily aggressive, but sex is— I mean, sex is like running a marathon. It should be like, you should be tired afterwards. Like, you should, you should be able to have sex for a couple of hours and just have some endurance every time. Oh yeah, put some work into that.

I'm so busy.

You don't even look at your pussy. That's how busy you need to— come on. I mean, but put some—

I look at it sometimes. That was one of our homework assignments. We had to look at our vaginas, take a picture of it, or like draw it and stuff, which is interesting Okay, so any last— so, and you're also— we got into this more— dominatrix. So you do that and you do the dom, and I want to see you dressed up in your garb.

Sure.

Do you have it with you?

Um, I have a corset with me, but I don't have much. So I have stuff online. I can show you some pictures online and stuff.

I would love to see it. Okay, well, anyone can check. Where can they find you? What's your website? Um, or what's your best place? I know you don't have a website yet, but for—

I mean, for that kind of stuff, I'd say Lady Bandita, um, on FetLife.

FetLife. And we'll have a picture of you on the site as well. We will. Oh, we're gonna take a picture here. Okay, everyone, well, thank Thank you so much, Sarah, for joining me and sharing your sexual exploits. And thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.

You've been listening to Sex with Emily with your host Emily Morse. Have a question about sex, relationships, or anything in between? Email Emily at feedback@sexwithemily.com. Want to add Emily to your Facebook or Twitter page? Visit Emily's website, sexwithemily.com, where you'll also find the latest Sex with Emily news and podcasts. Archive podcasts can be downloaded from iTunes. From the Stitcher studios in beautiful San Francisco, California, you've been listening to Sex with Emily. Thanks for listening.

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