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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

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I know. I'm excited. I actually like Valentine's Day.

You do?

I do. Because my mom told myself Valentine's Day was always a big time of the year. Bigger than Christmas.

Your mom's a florist.

We've gone over this a million times. My mom's a florist. My grandmother. My grandmother makes wedding cakes, so they want me to get married, you know.

Oh, my God. You have to get married. Yeah.

Ever since I was a little kid, though. And then this is the best part about. About Valentine's Day, when your. Your mother is a florist in high school, she would force me, and I thank her now. She would give me, like, two giant bags of single roses, and I would just give them to all the girls of high school.

That's sweet. We used to do that in high school where they had, like, carnations and you could pay a dollar and then they would deliver it to people. And like, some girls, like, the pom pom girls would be walking around the cheerleaders with tons of them and then some with other. You know, I used to get a fair amount.

And you would exchange little cards too.

Yeah. Like, hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

It was fun. I love Valentine's Day.

Yeah. I'm mixed mix on the pressure about Valentine's Day because I feel like, what.

Kind of pressure do you have as a woman?

Well, that's. Okay. That is a great question. I think that that's what we should.

You just gotta give it up.

Maybe that's the register people. Are you supposed to. Do you think that Valentine's Day is a real. Is just for men or women as well? Like, when you're dating someone, do you expect. Let's say you're with someone for six months?

Yes.

Do you expect her to give you a Valentine's Day present?

I never expect a woman to give me a Valentine's present Day present.

So you're not bummed if she doesn't?

No.

Okay. You think it's all about the woman?

It's all about the woman. Yeah.

I think it's kind of about both. I think if you're with somebody, you should give them both. But here's some ideas for Valentine's Day. Got to give a shout out to Adam and Eve. Make this Valentine's Day one that you will both never forget. Because we've got this amazing offer from AdamandEve.com as you know, Adam and Eve, you can get any sex toy you want. Any sex they've, you can break it down. You can look for sex toys for couples, for individuals. You can sort by different kinds of vibrators that you like. And you get fit 50 off any item. So just go to AdamandEve.com you'll find over 18,000 adult entertainment products, including toys. Lingerie, menace, your favorite. And a seemingly endless seduction selection of adult DVDs you can search by like porn for women, porn for men. I think this is a great way you can do your one stop shopping. And they have free shipping in your entire order and you get a free DVD and other free gifts. So 50% off one item. A free romance kit and free shipping if you enter offer code Emily E M I L Y at checkout@adamandeve.com. so I think that, I think that if I am gonna get a present for Valentine's Day from somebody, I would like something sexy and romantic. I don't need like a new Cuisinart or something. Do people still use those?

What's a Cuisinart?

I don't know. My mom used to use it. They're like for the kitchen. Like I remember one time one year my friend got like a blender and she was really bummed out that her husband got her a blender.

Why would she get a blender?

I don't know. Cause she wanted one, but it just wasn't sexy. So I think that every day should be. My whole thing is that every day should be a romance. Like you should try to make every day Valentine's Day. So if we have one day of the year that is just about sex and romance, like play it up. If you're with somebody, get up a sex toy, get him a. Get them lingerie. It sounds cheesy, but this is the time to do it. Because I get hundreds of emails from everyone saying that their sex life is stagnant or you're not having sex anymore. If you've been together with someone while, make that night sexy. Do something different. You know, a toy, watch a porn together, try a new sex move. Rent a hotel room for the night, do something fun for Valentine's Day.

Stay at the W. Stay at the W. My favorite.

You love the W?

Yeah, I think the best one, I did when I was dating a girl, long term, I took her to New York for Valentine's Day.

Oh, that's really nice.

Awesome.

I've never had a special. I can't. I don't have any memorable. Granted, my memory's not that great, as you know, but I don't think I've had a Valentine's Day that really sticks out. Except for when I was in third grade and they were giving out Valentines. I remember this one guy, Chris, everyone. You had. Remember you had to give everyone in class those little, like, Valentines. Did you do that? And you put them in a box? He gave me a dollar valentine. I remember it said it was a dollar on the back. It was huge. And then he stuck a dollar bill or $2 bills in it. Dude. And I was like. I was like, in third grade, and I was like, all right. Chris gave me two bucks. I'll never forget that. And I'm sorry to say that I don't have any great Valentine's Day stories since then that I remember. Not that I've had bad Valentine's Day. I just don't remember anyone being, like, sweeping me off my feet and making this amazing day. But I think it should happen and that, you know, just do one thing, one thing. Don't make it a whole thing. And I don't think that people are like, oh, candies, flowers. It's cheesy. That might be what she wants.

You have to get them flowers.

Well, you get them for free. You have to get me flowers. I love flowers. Can your mom get me flowers?

My mom's out of state now. I can't get them flowers.

You don't talk to her enough.

I do. I talked to her today.

Do you get your mom a Valentine's Day present?

No.

Hard.

No.

No. When you were little, did you. I did. When I was little.

Yeah. I believe when I was little. Because you had time to make him in school and stuff like that.

Yeah, that's true. So this year, do you have Valentine?

I don't, but I. For some reason, this year, the Grammys is on Valentine's Day. That's where I'll be at the Grammys. Okay, so maybe I'll.

Maybe you'll meet someone there.

Maybe I'll take a date. I know a lot of girls in Los Angeles.

Whatever happened to the chick that you asked out? Did you guys ever reschedule? Yeah.

Remember I told you.

See, you.

You don't remember anything.

You Rescheduled. And you went out.

So you went and we hung out and watched a hockey game.

Do I have a problem?

Yes, you do have a problem.

I'm like early Alzheimer's or something.

You don't care about my love life.

No, I do care. But you know what happens? Being on the show, doing this is like a vacuum bubble. And I think that things that happen in here, unless I listen to the show, after which I do, sometimes I don't always remember.

How come I can remember?

Because I have problems. Because I've got serious issues. And I'm here and I'm fully present, and then I leave and then I shut it off and I'm sorry. And I just forget all about me. But you know, Valentine's Day, you shouldn't feel bummed either. Because I feel like Valentine's Day is a day if you're not with someone on Valentine's Day. We got a lot of single people listening the show that you should do something for yourself. So here's something. I'm going to propose. Buy yourself something sexy and romantic that makes you feel good. Masturbate. Go home, take a bath. Sex with someone you love. Masturbation. It should be about love. And I've got some tips here, you know, for people. I'm not. I'm. You already know all the things that I think you should do for Valentine's Day because I talk about them all the time. About spicing up your relationship, doing one thing different in the bedroom, one move that's different. Just give her a little more foreplay, please. I can't tell you.

You know, like, if you're not so into foreplay, like, do something just different. Make. Prolong the experience. Undress her slowly. Do something like that. However, there are some benefits to being single on Valentine's Day. And I've got a list here, okay? There's some benefits for being single.

Save you money.

Saves you money. I mean, because Valentine's Day is all hype. So if you're single, I say do something for yourself. Buy yourself a vibrator. Buy yourself. Take yourself to dinner. See a friend, go to movie.

Well, that's what I was gonna suggest is every time I didn't have a Valentine, I'll just hang out with all my other friends that didn't have Valentine's, and then we're cool. But let's say you move somewhere and you don't know anybody. Go out, don't stay home.

It's a great night to go out. It actually, all the single people are out On Valentine's Day Because. Yeah, because they're not on dates. So the people are on dates, don't want to sit home. So everyone goes out. In fact, I had two people email me, two listeners email me and say they met somebody on Valentine's Day. Yeah. So that's what you should do.

You're gonna. You know how many girls out there are just gonna slut it up for the night just because.

Exactly. Cause it's Valentine's Day. Last year I was. Last year I emceed the lingerie fashion show. Do you remember that? No. You don't remember anything last year?

I wasn't around last year with you on Valentine's.

Dude, we've been around with each other for years.

I know.

You didn't get me anything.

Of course. Why would I get you something?

I don't know. Could you love me?

Yeah, true, But I don't know. I want to get you anything for Valentine's Day.

I know. It's fine. It's fine. Okay, so here's some benefits to being single, just in case you're single. The first one I think is obvious, and I love this because I prefer to be with no one on the holidays or Valentine's Day. There is no pressure. No pressure. When you're part of an us. On Valentine's Day, you gotta make a bold romantic declaration of your feelings. Where there are expectations, there's a risk of reality falling short. What if you buy the wrong color flowers? What if he hates the meal you cooked? It's a day that's supposed to be full of dreamy quality time can turn into something stressful. So you've got no pressure. If Valentine's Day. Just go out that night, do something for yourself. It's like, even on, like the holidays, like when I. Or my birthday, I like try to buy myself something. Like, I feel like you should celebrate yourself because no one else is going to. So it's okay. I think it's almost better to be single. Like, make it about loving yourself.

Yeah. Well, also, I don't want to date anybody that expects a lot on Valentine's Day. I rather people that like it low key. Even though I am going to do something and whatever I do will probably be awesome. But I don't want them to expect something because that does add the pressure that you're going to let them down.

Exactly.

Stuff like that.

There are a lot. Like, I even heard this woman say she's been married for years and she's like, well, as long as. As long as he gets Me a card. I'm happy, but he better get me a card. And I'm not even like that. I guess if I was with somebody, I don't think I've been with anybody on Valentine's Day for several years for some reason. I mean, not that I haven't had relationships, but they've always been like, before or after Valentine's Day, but not during. But even when I am in a relationship, I don't think that I accept anything. I don't usually have expectations of men in relationships at all, which is probably a problem.

I really don't.

And I would be happy. I guess I'd be like, oh, that's a little weird. Valentine's Day pass and you didn't get me anything. But I don't think I'd be bummed. And I don't have expectations of anything grand. Although I did have this guy that I've been dating for a month ask me to be his Valentine.

That's cool, because it's the timing.

So do I have to do something for him? It's been a month.

Something little bit.

Like what?

I don't know. Nothing crazy. It's only a month.

Okay, I'm gonna do. I actually know what I'm gonna do.

It's timing.

It's gonna be something sexual.

I screwed up and I got with some chick like a week before Valentine's Day.

What'd you do?

I didn't really do anything. And what sucks is she did all this stuff for me.

She. Did you dump her after? Cuz it was too much.

No, no, no. We dated for like two years.

Oh, you did?

Yeah, but I felt so bad because you did all this stuff and I did like, nothing.

What'd she do?

She got me a little gift.

Did you appreciate, like, what? What?

Man, it was so long ago. I was in high school. I can't remember.

Oh, I was in high school. Your high school relationship.

My high school relationship. Well, it lasted outside of high school.

Right. Okay, I think that I'm trying to think the best. I can't even think. I just think, whatever, just do something. But just do a car. I think a card is fine. Think about what they like. Think about something sexy. But this guy that I'm with, this guy that I'm dating, he likes lingerie. So I thought, are you gonna get.

Him some nice lingerie?

No, but I think he would like me and lingerie. But do you know what the thing is? I don't have any. Really? You think that I would. So I should go buy Some. Maybe that would be. My present to him is me and lingerie. That's a good present.

Yeah, I guess.

If he's into it. Okay, here's the other thing about benefits to being single on Valentine's Day. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm thinking out loud. I'm gonna get myself something sexy.

Yeah. Then, I mean, I have lingerie, but.

I'm kind of sick of it. It's old. I need New Zealand.

If it's still about yourself. I don't think it's a cool gift.

But I am gonna look hot.

Yeah. See, that's the problem. Chicks just think that's enough.

It is for some men.

That's all he needs.

No.

Why don't you do something cool?

Okay. Benefits. Being single on Valentine's Day. Fewer expenses. All of those expected gestures cost money. If you're on your own for Cupid's big day, you can bank on some savings. Serious cash. True. Singleton's my child. Doe for some movies or a few cocktails. But that's far less expensive than, say, a necklace or a fancy dinner. So fewer expenses. Just like Christmas when you have a boyfriend. Same thing. I love that.

Because, look, you gotta buy flowers and roses. Jesus Christ. They're like $60 around Valentine's Day.

Are they really?

Yeah. 60 bucks. And then you gotta take him to dinner.

Right. I see. I do not wanna go to a nice dinner on Valentine's Day. I do not wanna be a restaurant with all the couples posing like, oh, we're out to a nice dinner. Because that's what we're supposed to do. So I'd rather stay home and have, like, a sexy evening. Like, if I'm really into somebody, I wanna have an evening where, like, I come in and, like, my dream. I don't know what to say. Okay, so I walk in. Let's say I'm meeting him at his house. And he, like, maybe he makes me dinner. Cause that's romantic. I'd rather have a guy make me dinner. Or I don't even care if he carries in. He can carry in from Whole Foods or something.

What kind of dinner?

Maybe some chicken.

Chicken. Okay.

I like chicken. Nothing wrong with chicken. He has a dinner. He has some wine. Some champagne, maybe. Doesn't have to be champagne. Wine. And he made a dinner. And there's candles. I love candles. Setting the mood. I'm such a chick. And then he makes dinner, and it's hot. And then we have dinner together. And we'd have in serious, in depth. Talks about things that Are really just kidding.

Now that's where you lost me.

I want to talk about the state of our relationship. Oh, no kidding. And then I'm wearing something sexy. And then we have sex. That's amazing sex. Meaning there's lots of foreplay, which we're gonna be talking about on our next show. Some foreplay tips. Because I think you can never have enough. And I think it would be just like this long, drawn out, sexual. Like, I think there'd be some teasing involved.

Yes.

Do you know what I mean by that?

Yes.

Like, I think you don't. Don't rip off my clothes right away. Like, if I'm wearing something sexy, like, appreciate it. And like, we'll fool around, we'll kiss, we'll make out. Touch me. And then slowly take off my clothes. And then appreciate me.

Yeah.

And then we can have sex. Maybe. Good music. Is that lame? That's okay.

You just got to promise me one part.

What?

Since we had that conversation beforehand, after we have sex, we don't have to have another conversation.

No. No talking. No talking. No to no. Serious. I'm only kidding about the conversation. I am not the chick who ever brings up the relationship talk. But a lot of people do. But I'm just not the one who's like, look, can we define this relationship right now? What it means? I'm not that girl. I never am that girl.

If you have to ask that question with me, then we're not in relationship.

Right. If you have to say, what's the state of our relationship? You don't. Clearly, there's no state.

Yeah, there is. None.

Exactly. Okay. Another benefit to being single. Less faked enthusiasm. The truth is, some people just aren't that jazzed about candy hearts with sayings on them or pink and red decorations. If done wrong, those colors can totally clash. Yet if you have a significant other, you have no choice but to pace on a smile, turn the sweet sweet nothings up a notch and act like you totally think the heart shaped lace doilies on the table are adorable. It'd be much easier to be honest. So there you go. You have to.

You don't like candy.

Less fake. You don't have to fake it and be like, oh, it's Valentine's Day. I mean, there's a certain forces. Like, it's like New Year's. It's like New Year's Eve. Oh, we got to go out, we got to spend a lot of money and everything's more expensive. That's why I say you can have your. Make it at home, Valentine's Day. That's just as romantic and sexy. Rent porn.

I totally agree with that.

Maybe I'd watch porn with this. My. On my fan. My fantasy Valentine's Day date. Maybe we'd watch some, like, good porn together or something.

Yeah, some, like, 3D porn.

Yeah. Do you ever watch porn with chicks?

No.

You don't like porn?

No.

Do you? I think you do, but you don't tell me.

No, I don't. I swear.

So how do you masturbate?

How do I masturbate?

What do you think about? Like, do you not. Are you reading? Are you reading literature?

No, I don't do that.

Are you flipping through Penhouse?

I don't own, like, a.

So when you masturbate, I own a Playboy. When you masturbate, is it all in your brain?

I'm asexual.

You're visualizing. Are you visualizing about a recent experience?

Yeah, always.

Okay, recent experience or just any experience? This.

Past experiences.

Past experiences. So not.

Not.

Not unknown. Not like that hot chick I saw walking down the street? Yeah.

I'm not, like, masturbating to, like, Olivia Munn or anything like that?

No. Oh, my God. It's so funny that you say that, because we got tons of emails about Olivia Munn since you mentioned her.

Dude, she's so hot.

She is ridiculous. But you're not. You're not going to the celebrities, right? Me neither. Me neither. It's more about, like, a past thing that happened. Yes. Okay.

That's fair.

All right. You have more free time if you're alone on Valentine's Day. The aforementioned gifts and activities that make for wonderfully romantic Valentine's Day require planning. A lot of it. If you wait too long, the restaurant won't have any tables available. The flowers will cost three times as much. Making Valentine's Day happen means strategizing ahead of time while all the solo people out there are relaxing, carefree. That is so true. So true. Carefree, relaxing. Not having to worry about the stress of planning Valentine's Day. Yes, but if you are planning it, like I said, try to do something it doesn't. I think that people get stressed out. Like, oh, my God. Like, I wonder if this guy that I'm dating, since he asked me to be his Valentine's Day via text a few days ago, he's like, will you my Valentine? And I said, sure. Do you think he's planned? Like, is he thinking he's stressed? Like, I hope he's not stressed about it, because I don't really care. I just think something romantic that night.

Yeah. This means he's confirming that you guys will be hanging out on February 13th.

14Th.

Oh, it's 14th. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Okay, everyone. Sorry, sorry, I didn't clarify that. Valentine's Day, February 14th.

Oh, really?

Yeah. You didn't know that?

I always forget. Okay, then. So I will be in town. Valentine's Day. Crap.

Yeah. When you were saying the Grammys. The Grammys are on a Sunday and Valentine's Day is Monday.

Damn it.

But you don't have a girl, do you?

No, but some of you. Hit me up.

Somebody hit you up. Okay. And number five, more butterflies. Valentine's Day is a great day to meet someone. This is the point we made earlier. After a few Saint Valentinis, you might find yourself making out with a hottie who caught your eye across the bar. Well, you get a night of butterflies and witty banter that comes with meeting someone new. Steady couples are going through the motions of getting it on. That's not true. If you're a steady couple, you don't have to go through the motions. You can still have great sex. But anyway, after all that effort they put into the night needs to pay off somehow. It's comfortable, but not steamy. It's fun, but it's not expected. Therefore, things are much more exciting on your end. Don't you almost feel bad for your off the market pals? There is true, there is some truth to that, that when you're in a committed relationship. And my friend who's been with her husband for eight years, she called me the other day and she said she went to Mexico with a group of girlfriends and she said, you know what I realized, Emily? I realized that I'll never. And there was like some cute guys she met. Nothing happened, obviously, but she was like, I realized that I'll never have those butterflies again. That. That is something that. I mean, she loves her husband and they're happy, but you don't get butterf anymore. And that newness of meeting someone new and exciting at the bar or wherever, party. That is fun. That's addictive. The newness, excitement. Don't you love it? Meeting someone new. And the butterfly. Should we kiss? The first makeout. She's never gonna have a first make out again.

She misses it.

I mean, yeah, I get it, but when you remember me, I'm old school. When I commit to somebody, that's gonna be the person I'm gonna be happy with.

Yeah, but you miss the butterflies. So just go out and have butterflies. I think everyone, if you're single. You should go out on Valentine's Day. Buy yourself.

We think about recreating butterflies, don't we?

Yes, we do. Oh, honey, you've been listening.

Yeah.

See, you can recreate the butterflies, but it's not the same as someone new. Yeah, but you can. And a lot of times to recreate the butterflies, you have to, like, go back in your mind and do pull memories and, like, really visualize how you used to feel. Or get out of your normal routine. Rent a hotel room, go to the wood.

Do you know what's funny? There's some commercial out now kind of talking about the first thing. I think it's a gum commercial where it says that in the average lifetime, people have 28 first kisses. First kisses. Sorry, I'm so tired.

Menace move today. 28 first kisses. Yeah, that's it. I've had so many. I've had 28 first kisses last year.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The average person.

The average person.

People that don't get out in, like, Montana or something.

Right. Exactly.

Not that I'm knocking Montana. I visited Missoula, Montana many times.

Right.

Unfortunately.

Okay, here's another. Okay, so I think that that's our Valentine's day show. Yeah. Okay, but I got one more. Yeah, we had to make it short, but we got another show coming up. But first I got to give a shout out to tune up media. This is another. Okay, this is a great Valentine's day for men or women. You could buy them something to clean up their itunes. Okay. So the thing about tune up, it's a number one selling plugin for itunes and Windows media player. It fixes your mislabeled music like those annoying track zero ones and unknown artists and bands spelled five different ways. It clean intelligently identifies and fills in missing information. So all that missing stuff on your itunes, the missing album art, the unknown things, it cleans it up. Tuniverse, that has tuniverse, where you can watch music videos. So you can try tune up media for free by downloading tune up light and then you get 20% off tune up gold, where it really goes in and cleans everything up. If you put in sex with Emily at checkout. So get 20% off tune up gold with your promo code Sex with Emily. And it's a great offer. People freak out about tune up because I know my itunes are a disaster and totally cleaned them up. So I'm very excited about that.

Yeah, I had a lot of people hit me up on Facebook wanting more.

Information on TuneUp yeah, go to tuneupmedia.com or tuneup.com what is it? Tuneupmedia tuneupmedia.com yes, whatever. You'll find it. It's the Internet. Okay everyone, thanks so much for listening to the show. Email me feedbackexwithemily Was it good for you or was it good for you?

Email me oh, you've done that like a thousand times and you really just screwed it out right now.

Email me. What do I say? Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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