SWE: Two Quickies & an Orgasm

So you know I'm obsessed with candles, right? Have you ever heard of massage oil candles? Okay, so get this. I always light candles when I'm enjoying a glass of wine with friends, and recently they were over and I lit 3 candles from my new line called Emily Tony. My skin felt really dry, so I went ahead and poured some of it on my hands and I gave myself a quick massage. My friends were stunned that I did this and immediately were obsessed, and here's why. See, these candles are really aromatherapy massage oils that when warmed like a candle, they melt into the most luxurious body oil that is super hydrating hydrating, leaves your skin feeling and smelling amazing, and it's perfect for massaging your partner or yourself. You can use during foreplay, and you know me, I'm a firm believer in foreplay. They come in delicious flavors like crème de vanilla, cocoa, and fougère. Not just that, they look great in your home. So help us keep this podcast free, check them out today at emilyandtony.com. And you're welcome. Look into his eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex, eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information about Sex with Emily, go to sexwithemily.com where you can listen to our podcast, sign up for our mailing list, buy sex toys, and sign up for our RSS feed so you never miss another Sex with Emily show again. I haven't mentioned my iPhone app in a while.

You have not.

I have an iPhone app, 101 Sex Tips from Sex with Emily. You should definitely buy that if you don't have it already. We have an audience survey. We'd love you to answer a few questions about what you like about the show, what you don't like. And I Can Handle It. Twitter, you can find me Emily Morse, M-O-R-S-E. And on Facebook, my fan page is Sex with Emily. Menace, what about you?

Uh, just whitemenace.com. But I want to thank— I had a couple listeners actually hit me up this week on Facebook, and I want to thank them for listening. And, uh, thank you for hitting me up. I'm on facebook.com/whitemenace. Just like how they love the show, they never go into detail as much as they do with you, right? They just tell me that they like the show.

They don't send me 6-page emails.

Yeah, I think they— I think they know my personality where it's like, I'm not gonna read your email.

Oh my God, well, they send them to me, which we need.

Thank you.

I love their—

Emily would love to take on your emails at feedback@sexwithelmy.com.

Exactly. But Menace does not, but he shares sometimes. So here, this is— as you know, we're doing a lot more shows. This is one of our shorter shows, a quickie show.

Mm-hmm.

We're just gonna be reading emails from listeners real quick though.

It's a Friday.

It's TJF, baby.

And you have a young gentleman coming to town.

I have— no, well, yes, he's coming to town on Monday, but Saturday I have a guy making me dinner.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Do they know about each other?

Yes, in fact, I had a conversation. No, but this one guy, I've been seeing him for like, maybe this is like our 5th or 6th date, and it's kind of like I don't think he's that— I don't know how into each other we are. I think it's just— but he wants— we were gonna go to dinner and then he's like, can I make you dinner? And I know he's a really good cook, so I was like, great, make me dinner. But I don't know what's gonna happen. I promise to report more about what happens next week as far as sex goes.

So blah blah, this guy's gonna make you dinner. Did he even tell you like what he's gonna make?

No.

Okay, this guy's not interesting. Next one. What's the other guy?

The other guy is coming to town and he's got work here.

Yeah, which is bullcrap anyways.

And he's gonna be working here and he's here for 2 nights, but I can only see him one of the nights that he's here. Oh, because I'm busy the other night. Okay, I kind of have a date that night.

I want to see if he was saying that he was busy, but no, no, no, he's not playing hard to get.

He's not playing hard to get.

And so what are your plans?

Said to me that his last relationship, he came on too strong with the woman and it didn't work. So I think he's trying to kind of hold back and not come on too strong with me. Yeah. And but he is amazing. He's a great guy.

What are you guys gonna do?

We're going to go to dinner.

Okay, you get a lot of free meals here.

A lot of free meals. I never buy my own meals. Um, not that I'm a gold digger, but, um, I like when he buys my own. I don't know, we're just gonna like hang out in the city. We have fun together. I'm still trying to figure out, like I said, if I just gotten too complacent being alone. I really like— honestly, sometimes I'm out with him and I'm— or without— with a guy and I'm thinking I really should be home, like answering emails right now.

I got tickets. No, I got tickets to Dave Attell on Saturday night. Dave Attell and Lisa Lampanelli.

Oh, I love Lisa Lampanelli. She's hilarious.

Yeah, she talks about wiener and stuff. I got tickets. I don't need them. You want them? You can go. Go with this guy.

Oh, we're going. He's making me dinner, but maybe after. What time?

Saturday. The Saturday guy.

Saturday night guy was making me dinner.

Oh, he is?

Yeah. What time's the show?

I don't know. Okay, I'll just give you the tickets. They're in my office.

Really?

Yeah.

Where's the comedy club?

Are we gonna use them? No, they're at a special place.

Special place. I would use them. I totally would. Okay, here's an email. So we're just going to read some of your emails during the show that you sent to feedback@sexwithemily.com. This is something that someone posted on my Facebook page, and it made me so happy because it really encapsulated why we do the show and like what makes me feel so good. Like, it just— yeah. So It's from Jody and she says, I think she's from Australia. Thanks for the shout out on episode 176. I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and sex is a struggle. So instead I gave my husband a, a head job, she called it, which I think she means a oral sex job. And OMG, he was blown away. He said afterwards, wow, who do I have to thank for those new tricks? And he has you to thank. Thanks for all the BJ tips. Sex can be such a struggle while pregnant, but your tips have brought back the fun into it. "And I often hear you talk about people who are very happily married, that there aren't many. Well, I am 28 years old, I've been married for 10 years, together for 13, we have 4 kids and are very happy and still have an amazing sex life. It just takes effort, communication, and making time for each other. And we're both virgins when we met and we've never been with another person sexually, nor do I crave to. Hugs, hugs, kisses, kisses. By the way, I love, love, love Menace. He rocks.

XOXO." Thank you.

She doesn't know you very well, obviously. So, but—

But, I'm sorry.

No, I just think that's amazing. I'm like, this, that she performed oral sex on her husband and he was like, where'd you learn that? And people are actually learning from the show, being entertained and learning and improving their sex life. She's been with him for 10 years and they have 4 friggin' kids, which is amazing, and they're still having rockin' sex. She's giving him blowjobs. We always say that people don't give oral sex after marriage.

Yeah.

That women typically are known not to perform oral after marriage, which I don't think is true necessarily. Necessarily, but that happens from time to time.

And it seems that there's, with pregnant women, there's kind of an extreme. Either they're, they're not down with it, they don't want to have sex, or they're, they're really into— I don't have the bell— horny. They're really horny.

Horny, ding ding.

Yeah. And, uh, it's funny because my, my friend who's pregnant, she tweeted out how she, she had some, uh, like the cable guy coming over and, uh, she forgot her her sex toy on her bed and he saw it.

Really? I've— that's happened to me before. Yeah, because the— okay, so my internet cable, my, um, modem, and I keep it in my— it happens to be in my bedroom, my nightstand where my phone jack is.

How convenient.

How convenient.

It's—

the modem is, I think. But that's also where all my sex toys are, so he had to go inside there and I had like all my sex toys and the AT&T guy had to go into my thing and I was just like, oh sorry, yeah, I have a sexual— and I tried to pull them out and hide them and he was looking my sex toys. Oh, it's kind of embarrassing.

I'm sure you—

I try to put my sex toys away when I leave. Like, I do a check, I do a scan, like, is there a sex toy out? I mean, I mean, my house has unopened sex toys everywhere, but they use sex toys you want to put away.

They're like hidden.

Exactly.

Everywhere.

Exactly.

In the cookie jar, all that.

Where do you put all your sex toys?

Oh, I don't have any.

I was gonna get you one for your birthday. Did you ever drink the champagne I got you?

I did. I enjoyed it. Thank you very much.

Happy birthday. Sorry, Mr. Party. Huh? Sorry, Mr.

Dirty.

Happy birthday.

I know, I invited you out somewhere. Didn't count.

Dude, you mean 600 people? Are we gonna talk about this forever?

Okay, it's cool.

Hey Emily Morse, I was just listening to your quickie episode where you mentioned Harbin Hot Springs. I just have to comment, my boyfriend and I love Harbin. We just recently discovered it in the last year and have been a few times already. It is true that hot girls will get incessantly chatted up by some of the creepy men, but that shouldn't deter one from enjoying the greatness of Harbin. I'll explain what Harbin is in a minute. It's almost like its own hippie commune there, but all of our 'Our experiences there have been hot. Getting over being naked goes quickly, and it's a great place for couples to reconnect and rejuvenate one's soul. The last time we were there, we got to be in pools under the stars at night. Totally magical and totally recommended. Keep up the great show. Jen from San Francisco.' So have you ever been to Harbin Hot Springs?

I have not.

Harbin Hot Springs, it is sort of a hippie commune. It's about an hour and a half north of San Francisco, and it is, you know, nude. Everyone's naked and they're walking to hot pool. There's hot mineral pools and cold and hot and cold.

How hot is it?

It's really hot. Some of them are really, really hot. But everyone is naked and it is kind of creepy, but you can wear these beads if you want no one to talk to you because like old men will come up to you and they'll be like, hey baby. But it's not always like— but it is an amazing experience and you realize that at first you're a little uncomfortable being naked, but then you're just like, I'll be getting naked and everyone's naked walking around. And it is, it's just they have great massages and you're just naked the whole time. I recommend Herbin. You won't be going there anytime soon, but it's awesome. Okay, Sex with Emily Cruise is the topic of this next email.

What?

Have you ever given thought to doing a Sex with Emily group cruise? That would be a blast. I own a travel agency that specializes in group events, including special group cruises, and this would be a fantastic opportunity. You could host some short onboard seminars and even bring Menace along too. Give it some thought and let me know if you're interested in talking further about it, Anthony. Okay, so I'm asking my listeners, would you go on a Sex with Emily cruise. I don't know where we go, but it'd be freaking fun.

I would love it.

Should we do it?

I've only been on one cruise in my life. Have you been on a cruise?

I went on like 4 cruises when I was younger. My parents used to take us on cruises.

I went to Mexico.

Was it fun?

Yeah, it was cool. I was really young though, right?

So you were young, 14. My parents like didn't have to worry about us because they knew we were always on the boat somewhere and then they could gamble. Yeah, but, um, I would— would you do a Sex with Emily cruise? Feedback@sexwithemily.com. We would have seminars, we'd have special guests, it'd be fun. Madison and I would be like Dancing and having sex with listeners. Exactly. We'll have sex with listeners then. That's the only time I'll have sex with listeners. Just kidding. But just let me know. Okay, here's another one that came in. I don't know if this is still coming, happening right now, but he said, hey Emily, real quick, you should promote your show for the Podcast Awards, and it's at podcastawards.com. I nominated you guys in the mature category, wasn't sure if it should be health or mature, so I guessed. Where are you guys? There was no podcast for a week. Philly Mike from Philadelphia. I didn't post for a few days. It was a problem. So I think it's Twitter @podcastawards.

Really?

Yeah. And then there's Podcast Awards and you should nominate us if that exists.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how the voting system works.

I don't know. You just say Sex with Emily, maybe. I just thought I should bring it up. Cool. Cool.

Please, people, vote.

Vote for us. All right. So there's that. Then we've got, oh, okay. So first we got a word from our advertiser, TuneUp Media. TuneUp Media rocked my world, changed my entire way that I listen to music and my iTunes. The point about it is, is that it's the number one selling plugin for iTunes and Windows Media Player. It fixed your mixed labeled music, like those annoying track 01s, unknown artists, and bands spelled 5 different ways with TuneUp's cleanup feature. So basically they go into your thousands of, or hundreds of songs, and they add the album art. They add the songs that don't have any titles to them, and it cleans it all up. No more missing album art, no more gray music notes, you know, the music notes that cover where there's no album art. It's literally a goddamn miracle.

Yeah.

I love TuneUp Media, and you have to check it out. You can get 20% off TuneUp Gold with promo code SEXWITHEMILY, and the offer is good through November 30th, 2010. And their video— remember you mentioned their really cool video? It was with Biz Markie.

Biz Markie, that's who it was.

Exactly. And they've got new videos now, but they're just an amazing company, so please support them and check them out. I would appreciate that.

He has an awesome song, people need to look it up. And like in the hook of the song, or the chorus, whatever you want to call it, he goes, girl, you got what I need, and you say she's just a friend. Yeah, you gotta—

he's saying—

yeah, so he's in that, he's in that commercial.

Yeah, yeah, I love that song. Actually, I have a note about that song. My ex-boyfriend said that that was our song. He's like, this is our song because baby, you got what I need. And he was like— and then it became our joke. This is what this guy was dating years ago, like a few years ago. And he was like, baby, you got what I need. And he said— she said— that was his whole thing. And then when I found out that he was like flirting with 8 million other women, I found his phone and I looked at his text messages by mistake.

Oh, by mistake.

And There was a text that he sent to this girl. It said, baby, you've got what I need.

Oh God, you gotta change it up, fellas.

I'm like, dude, that's our song, you loser. So anyway, that's my Biz Markie story. Okay, Emily, I was listening to the radio this morning.

Oh, could I just tell a quick story? It was just like that.

Go.

I heard a funny story where, uh, this guy, this guy sent a picture to his girlfriend, and what he did is he got on on top of a cliff, and he wrote this huge, uh, thing in the sand on how much he loved her.

And he—

and then the girl that he's cheating with, he did the same thing. And somehow they both saw the photographs.

Oh my God, what a loser. At least mix up the words. God, people, like, he probably just figured, I got this, it works for her, works for her. Yeah, that is so bad. You gotta just mix it up if you're gonna cheat. Come on. Okay, so this is interesting. This letter is from a guy. This email— I always say letters, it looks like a letter. This guy either sent an email, and, um, when I was on the other radio station that we were on, we were doing the live show, he sent me an email like the first day, and he was like, you're talking, you do a lot of like, like, likes, and remember we used to like a lot and we don't like anymore? And he's like, I was listening this morning and I thought, I wonder if she still does a radio show? So I Googled you and decided to listen to the podcast to which I was directed. I listened to most of it, and the The very thing that turned me off of your show, which was all the likes, seems to have disappeared. Watch out, you may have gained a loyal listener. From Steve. So no more likes. Thank you, Steve. The likes are a default that comes back sometimes when you get a little— I don't know what, but I think we've been really good about not liking.

Yeah.

Not liking the likes.

I don't think I said like.

Oh, okay.

I don't think it was me.

Was it all my fault?

Yeah, I actually called a friend though that also does a radio show and she was doing that and I had to call her and say, look—

You'd be like, listen, babe. Cut the likes.

Look, I love you. I want you to do well.

Ixnay on the likes, Leigh.

You got to check. You got to— what you do is to take care of it. You put a little note in front of you while you're doing your radio show, right? To all the inspiring podcasters out there. And you write like, and it's in your face. And I guarantee you, no, like, you'll never say it again.

I actually had an intern whose only job when I was doing live radio was to hold up a sign that said, don't say like. And it worked for a while until I fell back on it. Okay, well, Yeah. Big fan of your show. I have to admit, at first I didn't really like it, but it has grown on me, and Menace holds down the male perspective. Keep it up, Menace. About the great handjob debate, I think you should just give Menace a handjob and be done with it. He will definitely, um, he will definitely be expecting it to suck, so the pressure is on. It's just a handjob, and it's not like you guys would quite be having sex afterwards. You could do a little bit on the show where Menace gives his appraisal of this mythical handjob of yours. What do you say? It would be a listener favorite. Micah.

Oh no.

Menace, do you want me to give you a handjob after the show?

No, it's okay. We're in the building, you can't give me a handjob. Okay. I've only had sex in the building.

Speaking of Emily and Menace, you've had sex in the building? I know. Okay, there's one more about Emily and Menace. Here's the thing, and these people think that, okay, Emily, you and Menace are the new Rachel and Ross, like from Friends.

Oh really?

Keep this will they or won't they thing going and your listenership will explode.

Oh God.

If people think we will or we won't hook up. 'Awesome show, different, original, and I just recommended it to my buddy in San Fran that says the girls there are impossible to connect with. I'm happily married in Chicago for 11 years now, 2 kids, and sex is still good, and I'm deeply in love with my wife. Wife, keep on keeping on. Jeff. P.S. Boner.' We love boners. Okay, that's what we got for this quickie show. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Yeah. What should we talk about at the beginning? Anything else to talk about?

Boning.

Hey guys, can I ask you a question? How are your balls feeling right now? Are they super clean and dry? Does your partner complain or is not always willing to go downtown? If so, I've got something for you. I've just launched a new product called Down Under Comfort. From my brand Emily Tony. It's really unique. It's a cream to tapioca powder formula that is designed to keep men fresh and clean down under, or wherever they need. And girls can use it too, under their breasts, their lower back, anywhere they want to stay fresh. So help keep this podcast free and your balls dry. Use code EMILY to get 20% off your first purchase. Check them out today at emilyandtony.com. Trust me, and you're welcome. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information about Sex with Emily, go to actswithemily.com where you can listen to our podcast, sign up for our mailing list, RSS feed, and all that good stuff. You can also donate to the show. You can advertise on the show if you're interested, and you can also take an audience survey that we have on our website. I wanna read these responses. People have been answering it, so I gotta, I should bring in the responses, what they like, what they don't like. It helps us with the show cuz I wanna know what are you down with? What are you not down with? Like give me specific stuff that you wanna know that you want us to talk about.

Yeah. And, I haven't looked recently also, but there's feedback on iTunes.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, do us a review. Please review us on iTunes.

Emily would love 5 stars.

I would love 5 stars. 5 stars on iTunes, how hard is that? Just go to iTunes and be like, 5 stars, best show since sliced bread.

Yes.

Whatever you want to say.

And then vote for us on the podcastawards.com.

Yeah, podcastawards.com.

All right.

That's good. Hi, Menace.

Hi, how you doing?

We're doing more shows, as you know. This is a quickie episode. We're going to give you some sex tips. Some people really like these quickie episodes. Yeah, it's like little snippets, a quick fix of Vanessa and Emily.

It's like a quick shot, quick shot, little fix, like intravenously.

Okay, so here's some sex tips, how a man can make sex better for the girl.

I thought we just did that. We did.

Yeah, but we didn't finish them.

Okay.

Okay, so these are some more of that thing.

Okay.

Okay. Of that same— there were so many of them that I just feel like we should finish them off.

Okay.

Give her instructions. This is how, right? After a while, you may think you know how to please your partner in every way, but this is very rarely true. There's always something you haven't tried, and there's bound to be something one of you always does that could be done differently. To combat this, for better sex, have a lesson session in which you don't, in which you don't think you know it all and are at each other's mercies as teacher. Talk about things you haven't tried but would like to. Then choose one suggestion from each partner and get down and dirty. We often get caught thinking we know what our partner's like, and after a while it becomes The way it's done. Lose this myth and put yourself in the student's chair for a while and get better sex you won't regret. I can't tell you how important this is to talk to your partner about what you like and what you don't like. Like, I've specifically, guys, recently when I announced, yes, I've had sex, he said to me, the guy, well, what do you like? And I was like, oral sex. I like it. I like oral sex. I mean, that's not so groundbreaking, but then he didn't even do it. But that's besides the point.

What a pussy.

Pussy. Just told you what I liked.

Yeah.

But what I'm saying is we men Men think they know, women think they know, and men and women do not talk about sex. And so easy to be like, so what was your favorite thing? Or like, if you could have one sex act done to you, what would you want? Find out. Find out. There's so many parts, like I can't tell you how many parts of my body—

I would love a hand job. I'm just kidding.

How many parts of my body are not touched that should be touched? Like if you kiss my neck, it drives me crazy.

Well, why don't you write it down or something?

I'm telling you, I'm telling any man I'm gonna date, touch my neck. Like I've told them that.

Yeah, but there's, that can't just be the only one. And then you're like, okay, he touched my neck, then he's not getting this spot. But I don't know.

No, but like, it turns most women— women, because men go right for the vagina or the breasts and they ignore all the erogenous zones in between. And this still happens. Men of all ages that I've had sex with, they instantly, like, literally, sometimes this is what baffles me. This is just as bad as the head push.

You're pointing at me. Go ahead.

This baffles me when a man— first of all, you've heard me talk about the head push. When a man is— you're fooling around with him and all of a sudden pushes your head down there.

Yeah, but that's like teenage things.

No, this happened to a friend of mine, and she was not with a teenager. But something that really bothers me is when you're fooling around with a guy for like the first, second, or third time. And again, we've talked about this a million times, but I really feel that it— I'm still fooling around with men who do this, so I know that this message has not gotten out. We should hold a rally like Jon Stewart in DC. Yeah, you know how he did that big DC rally a few weeks ago? We should do one about sex and get this message across America, across the world. Don't— if, okay, if we're fooling around, there's a certain protocol. You make out, maybe you touch my breasts, then you go— don't go right for my pants right away. Like, at least touch my breast. Like, there's a certain— touch my breasts, kiss my neck, do something else.

You're one of those high maintenance—

no, high maintenance. Touch my boobs. They're there, they're pretty, they're nice. Like, touch them. Don't go right for my pants. We're not there yet. I'm gonna make her jumping right to dessert. It's like, I'm not even gonna feed you dinner, I'm gonna go right to dessert. That's what it feels like, and it pisses pisses me off.

I'm gonna make a ringtone out of that.

Touch my breasts, touch my breasts.

I'll make it available on the website. I know how to do it.

No, don't do that. Okay, but what I'm saying is like, just talk about what feels good. Jesus, I mean, just upsets me. Can you tell? I'm sweating.

Okay, wait, you should hook up with somebody that can like draw a chart and you should make little notes. That'd be cool.

What do you mean, he could draw a chart? I should draw a chart for him?

Yeah, no, no, just for our listeners, for the website. Like you can have, have a, uh, like a drawing of a female, and then you can write little notes, little arrows and stuff like that.

Oh, that's good, like what to touch, right? Like, do not go here yet, do not pass go, like go through these certain channels of command.

Step 1, step 2, step 3, step 4, step 5.

That's not a bad idea, add it to the list and then remind me later.

Okay.

Okay, have her dress up. This is something that I love, like I love dressing up for guys. I've got tons of sexy clothes and funny little, like my Burning Man outfits, which is that big crazy festival in the desert, but Pretending to be something you're not comes easily to some people. However, it has its benefits when done for fun. Stepping out of the role of being yourself can be a fun way to give each other permission to behave differently for better sex. Playing the role of someone else during sexual play is a very enjoyable way to give your partner some different sensations and try things you haven't always done. Role-playing is also a great way to have better sex and have fun with your partner. It's often the woman who does the dressing up because A) they enjoy it and B) they have the resources, the clothes, the underwear, the makeup, but don't forget that you can play too. I mean, I love when a guy comes over my house and he's like, wow, that's really hot. Let me see that dress. I'll show him a dress. I'm like, I got the sexy dress. And there's just something sexy about feeling— we feel sexier. And even the lingerie thing, which men, it doesn't like lingerie. A lot of times it's for the woman because she feels sexy in it, or she likes showing, prancing around in her clothes and stuff. It feels good.

Do you know what? Do you have, do you have a McDonald's worker's outfit? Because that would be super hot.

No, I don't.

Uniform or something like that.

Like Ronald McDonald? Or just, uh, like—

like a worker?

How about that?

Would you do that if a guy goes—

that big blue stuffed animal on— on the big blue guy who's always with Ronald McDonald? He looks like Snuffleupagus, but he's blue. Oh no, he's part of McDonald's.

I don't know the characters.

Okay, sorry.

The hamper. What about if a guy that you're really, really into, like super into, like he might be the one but he just has this thing like he wants you to dress up as the Hamburglar. Like, would you do it?

The Hamburglar? Yeah.

No, you wouldn't do it even though you're really into him. He could be the one. He has everything you want, but he has this weird thing where he wants you to be the Hamburglar.

Is the Hamburglar still around?

Yeah, he's still around. He shows up here and there. Okay, that's not as—

so everything's great. I love this guy. He's gonna meet my parents. We're great. And he's like, honey, Hey, we need to talk.

I'm really—

I've got this Hamburglar thing that I need you to try on.

Yeah, I don't think so. Really? You just look like you're in jail, but you have like a cape and like, it's weird.

But I do know the Hamburglar. He's got the eyes and the cape. Yeah, not hot.

This one, he has a hat too. He has a cool hat.

Is this guy— this guy's gay or obese and eats at McDonald's?

No, no, he's, he's What, the guy that you're with?

Not the Hamburglar, the guy that I'm with.

The guy that you're with, it's his childhood thing that for some reason when he eats McDonald's he gets sexually aroused, but he wants you to be the hamburger. Burglar.

Burger.

So.

Yeah, I think I'd have to table that. You would? I'd need to find out more.

You tell him no.

I think I'd be like, yeah, I'll get right on that, and then I'd change my number.

And then what? Oh, you would leave the guy that could be the one just because of his Hamburglar?

Obsession. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't if it's a real obsession, because a lot of time, a lot of these fetishes that people have, like we talk about foot fetishes or all kinds of fetishes, people tend to fetishize things that are from early childhood, right? So maybe he had an erotic experience at McDonald's. We don't know.

The hamburger.

I would have a problem dressing up as the Hamburglar.

Oh, come on.

Is he still around?

Yeah, he— well, he only in cartoon. McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't seen a McDonald's commercial in a while, but I can't believe you want to do that.

You're talking about dressing up and doing all this stuff.

I want to be a French maid.

That's weak. This is an original idea.

Hamburglar.

Hamburglar.

It's not hot, although there is a mask.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll break it down. At least I'll get you a female. What about Wendy from Wendy's? What about if you had to dress up as Wendy from Wendy's?

Okay, I could do that. You know why? Because I could wear thigh-high— like, she's kind of like a schoolgirl.

Yeah, yeah.

So I could wear white thigh-highs, that checkered dress that comes above it, and put my hair in pigtails.

Well, you need like a red wig. You'd have to wear the wig, and it would be like a yarn wig, not like a— like a sexy Raggedy Ann, not like a sexy Katy Perry one, like a Raggedy Ann one. Would you do it?

I don't think so.

Wow, you're so uptight. You don't do anything fun.

Would you dress up as KFC Colonel Sanders?

Hell yeah, because Colonel Sanders is a pimp, that's why. He has a cane, he wears sunglasses.

Would you wear the great beard, do you think?

He has a beard, yeah.

Here's a side note about Colonel Sanders. Did you know this?

What?

That he didn't invent chicken recipe until he was 58 years old.

Really?

Yeah, my mother always tells me that when I'm trying to do things in life, 'cause I'm always trying to do things that are different, and she's always like, well, Emily, you know, the Colonel didn't invent chicken. Invest his chicken— invent his chicken.

We can't talk right now, it's a little late here in San Francisco.

It's late. Okay, one more.

Okay, we'll get off it, but we just realized that you're no fun. Okay, next.

Love you. Okay, so wait, so wait, one more thing. We got a word from our sponsor. Okay, Adam and Eve.

Okay, do they have hamburger—

do they have hamburger outfits? Check it out, they do have little outfits. Okay, you guys, time to buy a sex toy. More than half of Americans own sex toys right now. We just had a National Sex Toy Day, and I just have to say that Any sex toy you want. Get the Hitachi Magic Wand, get a vibrating ring that you can share with each other. Men and women can use it together. Adam and Eve is offering 50% off most items to all you loyal Sex with Emily listeners, and they'll even throw in 3 adult DVDs and a free gift plus free shipping. Go to adamandeve.com, enter coupon code EMILY at checkout. It's that easy. They have thousands and thousands of toys, like anything you want. It's time to try out a sex toy. Go to Adam and Eve, use EMILY at checkout. Sweet, sweet. Okay, here's the next sex tip for to have better sex, men and women: play a game. I know, play a game. Nope, get a pack of cards and play strip poker for better sex. It may seem like something you would have done when you were in high school given the opportunity, but adult strip poker is a good way to get naked. Once you're both naked or nearly naked, you can start on the really fun part. A loss means the other person gets to choose what action is performed. This is just something fun. You've probably all thought, we're not going to sit around and play strip poker, but you know what, why not? You're complaining You're— you are— might be complaining that you're not having sex, it's not interesting anymore, you've been together 15 years and you don't know what to do. Whip out a deck of cards and play some strip fun game where you get naked and have a glass of wine.

Yeah, how about like Connect Four though? Like something more fun.

You don't like poker?

Than poker.

Connect Four or bat— use Battleship. What was that game?

Battleship!

I love that game!

Yeah.

You sunk my battleship.

Yeah. Do you remember that joke? Now give me fellatio.

Exactly! Play a game, like seriously, play naked, make it fun. Like if you're playing Scrabble, make— play it for the points or for how many clothes you have to take off.

Or Chutes and Ladders or something like that.

Chutes and Ladders sounds sort of erotic.

Dungeons and Dragons.

Did you ever play that? You weren't a Dungeons and Dragons guy. I didn't even understand.

D&D.

Okay, the next thing, try a new position. You already know how to bring her to orgasm in 2 ways, let's hope. You repeat these regularly because they work. There's no harm in that. However, if you try new positions again, how will you ever know? New positions need a reasonably high level of arousal in your lover, so choose your time to strike a new pose. There's no limit of ways to have sex, so if you keep having sex the same way over and over again, just try something new, like kick your leg around or flip her around. Just do something different. Do something different.

Pour champagne in her vagina like in the porno.

Don't do that. It's bad for her vagina. Sex— the, the, the sugary stuff is not good in her vagina. I hate when they do that in porn. Okay, because it's bad for the woman to have anything sugary in her vagina.

All right, then, like Fiji water. How about Fiji water?

Fiji water? Fine, no problem. Feed you water.

Okay, okay.

Try a new position. And that's what we got for you here in some sex tips. Quickie Sex with Emily, uh, shows little sex tips to take you into the week. Oh, so I hope everyone's having great sex. And email me about that. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.

You've been listening to Sex with Emily with your host Emily Morse. Have a question about sex, relationships, or anything in between? Email Emily at feedback@sexwithemily.com. Want to add Emily to your Facebook or Twitter page? Visit Emily's website, sexwithemily.com, where you'll also find the latest Sex with Emily news and podcasts. Archive podcasts can be downloaded from iTunes. From the Stitcher Studios in beautiful San Francisco, California, you've been listening to Sex with Emily. Thanks for Thanks for listening.

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