Talk Dirty To Me w/ Joanna Angel

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I love the idea of just making sure that you're comfortable making noise and moaning. You can increase the intensity of your bones. You can practice when you're masturbating making noise. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

All right. I've heard from a lot of you that you're struggling with dirty talk in the bedroom. Maybe you're struggling with sexting. So I decided to invite a friend along. I'm joined by porn star, author, exotic dancer, dirty talk expert Joanna angel to break down what to say, how to start if you've never tried it, and how to kind of crank up your dirty talk. Things that are interesting is just learning how to make noise during sex. Because not only is that hot for your partner, but it also increases your pleasure. I want to add a disclaimer that there is some language in this episode that just definitely isn't safe for work. So after I listened to the episode, I decided to add in a little bit more softer dirty talk. If we're just getting started or you don't want to go from zero to filthy. I totally get it. I also answer your questions about what to do when you're ghosted after a first date, how to get more foreplay, you know, when your partner wants to just dive right in, and lots of rapid fire questions. You can always ask me questions about sex or relationships. Email me feedbackexwithemily.com all right, intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention. It works. When you think about what you want to get out of something, it usually happens. It could be, oh, God, I've been wanting to talk dirty and I've wanted to sext and I am confused. Well, my intention is to have you understand that all these sex things that you've been wanting to do or wanting to try, but you're too afraid to start. This is going to give you some great tools to get the dirty talking party sex started. All right, enjoy the show.

Joanna. First off, congratulations on your book.

Thank you.

Club 42. It is a thrill. It's a choose your own adventure erotica, which is brilliant. So what was your inspiration for this one?

Most people know me for my, my work in the adult film industry. So I don't really talk about my time as an exotic dancer really ever. So this was like a fun thing to write about, you know, and, and the, the f thing about the exotic dancer world is like, or stripping, whatever you want to call it. It's like, you know, when you're on a porn set, everyone on the porn set is in the porn industry. So you kind of just, you're in this closed circle and there's like unique things that happen and everybody comes from their own walks of life, but it's different. It's, it's like, you know, once you're in the day to day motions of porn, like it starts to become, you know, like a very regular job. But strip clubs are a unique world because you have half the room is in the sex industry and half the room isn't, and they're all meshing together, you know, and especially like even just the staff of a strip club is always like fascinating because you'll have like a manager of a strip club who before that maybe managed like an Applebee's or something.

You know, I love all the characters. Tell me, what did you learn about yourself doing that? I mean, I think that's so adventurous to just do that. You must have learned that was like this first step on your journey.

It was. I wouldn't be who I was if I never became a stripper. I think it really helped me embrace my femininity. It helped me embrace my sexuality. It helped me, like, be more confident. It really helped, oddly, my, like, people skills, you know, because it's your job as a stripper to just sit down and talk to every single person in the club and figure out how to get money out of them, you know, I learned so much about myself. It's almost like I became, like, this sexual superhero on stage, you know? And I like, you can't go on stage at a strip club and not be confident, you know? Like, it doesn't matter how you actually feel about yourself or how you view yourself. Like, you have to be sexy on that stage. You have no choice. And I think being sexy and being confident and that side of me was never very, like, developed, and I really, like, like, found it at a strip club. And the first time I just, like, got on stage, and I really felt like everyone in the room was, like, in love with me, like, that feeling. And it was like, when I walked on that stage, nobody cared. Like, I said I was not the most beautiful girl at the club. So you could tell I walked on stage, and people were like, meh. They weren't, like, blown away, but I captured them with my dancing and with my connection with each person and with.

I don't know.

So I just kind of learned how to find the sexual demon in me. Yeah, it was a very transformative time in my life, you know, and then it transferred into porn, where I was like, I don't know.

You could do anything.

I don't know. I think the strip club gave me this feeling of, like, I could conquer anything. Like, being able to go in there.

And conquer that room, that is such an intimidating thing. I mean, you know, a lot of my listeners are having a hard time just having that confidence in the bedroom with one person, right? And, like, that takes a very special skill to be able to get out there and just get naked and be confident when you don't have any other experience ever doing it before. So what could we teach people, like, from that experience? Like, how could we take that Joanna spirit and bring that into a situation that might be.

No, because confidence is really everything. I feel like once. Once as a woman, or a man for that matter, once you lose your confidence, you lose everything, you know? And it's hard to be confident in this world. It's very hard. This is a hard world to be.

In, you know, really hard, you know.

Battles that you face every day. You have to come into the bedroom with that. Umph. You know, I don't know if you can find that umph in the bedroom. You've got to come into it.

Yeah. So, like, outside the bedroom, get to know your body. Get to know, you know, masturbation. Look in the mirror. Like, look at yourself. Right. We're always looking for ways to expand our sexual repertoire to get more adventurous. And I just think it's really. It grabs you from the top. Like, you are in. You want to know where you go on this adventure in the strip club? Through the people you're sleeping with, through the others, the staff. It's really fun. Joanna. So Club 42, you guys get it, and I think it's good for Valentine's Day now. People can get it. Read it with your partner.

You can get a signed copy, too.

Okay.

But yeah, you can just. You can order it on Amazon or anywhere that books are found. I think the actual Release date is February 9th, but you can order it.

Yeah. Pre order it.

I am going to be doing a virtual reading of my book through Skylight Books on Valentine's Day at 3pm so tune in with.

Okay, tune in and they can find it. Joanna.

Emily.

I want to come. I want to come. I got no plans. I'll be around. I would love to. Yeah, I will. I mean, Joanna. But this is exactly what I was thinking. I was like, this is the erotica. Because some people, they're not into watching porn.

There's a lot of girl girl sex, a lot of boy girl sex. And there's a. There's actually a chapter, I don't know if you got there yet with where she has a relationship with a trans woman. There's a whole section of the book where she tries to become a dominatrix, and so she experiences that. So there's, you know, there's just a lot. There's like every kind of sex in this book.

That's what. That's what's gonna say. It's like. It serves you up. It's like a tasting platter at a restaurant with like. Would you like to try a little bit of everything? Yeah. But you are totally drawn in and turned on. And it's. It's. It's an adventure. Yeah. Okay. But, Joanna, so congratulations on your book club 42. I also want to get into a little bit about dirty talk because we've been getting so many emails and questions as we have about dirty talk. But I think there's something about the pandemic. People are sexting. More people are digitizing their sex lives right now, and so they're like, what.

Important skill it is.

So where do you start? Like, my partner asked me, talk dirty. What do I do? Like, where do I start?

Okay, you have to dive in, get into the sex. It was actually hard for me, a porn star, to do that. So every woman out there, like, just understand that this is something that, like, requires, like, a different. This is not even about being good in bed. This is like a different part of your brain, right? And your sexuality that you're using. But you gotta just think of, like, something really filthy and, like, get aroused by it and just write it down. Like, that's just what you have to.

So practice, maybe I always say practice. Practice in the shower, listen to erotica, read erotica, watch porn, and write down things that kind of speak to you that turn you on, and then just practice it. So, but, Joanna, like, let's just back up before the filthy. Because sometimes. Because I think it can be filthy, but you're like, what does that mean? I'm. I'm a nice. I'm a nice girl. Or I don't want to be filthy. But it can also just be starting off with, like, what words are you comfortable with? Maybe, like, I don't want to be called a whore, but I want to be called this or that. Or do you think. Just start with finding what excites you, even if it is slow, sensual sex.

Find something and go with it, right? Like, write down what you want done to you. You know, write out, like, okay, if so and so was here right now, what would you want them to do to you?

Right?

Write it down and, like, be graphic and be descriptive. Like, exactly what do you want them to do? You know? Or. Or what do you want to do to them? I mean, I sexed my fans all day on my only fans.

You do? On your only fans? Okay, tell me about sex. Okay, should we just talk about sexting then? How do you. I know it becomes a muscle because I'm actually out of practice right now, but I used to be a big sexter, and I was always like, I could be doing anything. It would just come out. And then I'm like, oh, shit. Just so everyone knows, it is a muscle, and if you don't use it over time, I'm like, I need a refresher as well. You want to be really descriptive. You want to describe things in detail, like what you're wearing. I always start with, like, what I love about them, what I like. And then I'll be like, I'm wearing right now, like, this sexy thing. I'm picturing you going down on me. I'm picturing you, like, ripping it off with your teeth or.

I know you have to get more descriptive than that. Like, I'm picturing you going down and you have to be like, I want you to spread my pussy lips open and take your tongue and go up and down my clit, you know, like, and then I want you to taste my moisture inside of me because my pussy juices are so sweet right now. And like, I mean, you got to get. You can't just say go. You can't just say that.

You can't say go down on me.

You need to describe what your pussy juices tastes like that day and, like, what you want them to do with it. And like, I don't know. You need to, like, really, like, if you're going to go for it, there's like, no reason to dirty talk if it's going to be lame.

Do not be a lame dirty talker.

Lame dirty talker. Because you don't have to dirty talk. It's not like a law. But if you're going to do it, you know, then just talk about something else. Talk about your favorite Netflix show and have a really intense conversation about a TV show or movie.

Like, okay, so what would you say to a guy then about him? Let's talk about you describing sucking their cock.

I mean, like I said, everybody's dynamic is different. You know, be like, I want to suck your cock. I want to put it all the way down my throat. I want you to come over. I want to suck your cock. I want to lick your balls. I want to stick my tongue in your asshole. I want to drink your cum. I want to be your little cum slut. I want to be on my knees while you throw my head against the wall and you just fuck my face. I want to taste your pre cum. I want to, you know, like, what do you want to do? Like, just say it or, like, do you want to just get, you know, or you, like, want to give a more sensual blowjob. I want to take my hands and stroke them up and down your cockpit, you know, it's also a good thing I. That I should actually look into more. Like, like, look up. What is it called? Gooning, where you're like. Or edging, you know?

Oh, yeah, edging.

Oh, I want to like tea, you.

Know, so then I'm not gonna let you come. I'm gonna. Yeah, I'm gonna tease you, you know.

I want to stroke your cock like I'm touching My pussy right now, like, you know, make it so, like, you have to get off and he can't get off. You know, if you want to play with that and like, just see how long you can kind of keep him horny. But, you know, if you want to suck a guy's dick, you're not prude. So talk about how you want to suck that dick.

I love that you're going from zero to 60. Because some people are like, I'm going to be like, I'm so wet right now. I'm thinking about you. Like, I'm thinking about you.

That's lame. So is everyone. We're all wet right now.

We're all wet. Exactly. So you have to get into the details.

Tell me more about it. You know, oh, God. Why is your wetness different from the other wetness?

But if you've never talked dirty and you're a beginner and you're sexting someone to be like, I want you to spread my pussy lips open and taste my juices might be a little too. I mean, Joanna, you've been doing this all. And you probably can't. It's hard to scroll back to, like starting.

But like, if you've had oral sex before, like, describe what's going on in your head.

I'm just thinking about my listeners. What has helped me is to write about my sexual experiences and then go there. Because then you've already written, like you said, writing your book, it just rolls.

Off the top, you know, I'm telling you, I did that in the very first draft of my first book when I was like. And then he went down on me and I remember my editor, which is so funny for me. I'm a porn star. I'm a porn star who's been gang banged. You know, I had been through many years of doing every kind of filthy act under the sun. And I have a woman who's an editor that like works at a publishing company in glasses and a skirt being like, you need to be more dirty. Do you know how weird that was for me?

You're like, I am dirty. I was like, who are you?

And then she wrote back a descript. This complete, like, school teacher looking woman that sits behind a desk and edits books for a living. Not just sex books, but other books. She was like, here's how you should write this. And I was like, oh, my Lord. You know, like, so I'm telling you, you kind of have to go from zero to 60. Like there's really no middle ground when it comes to Dirty talk. If you've given a blowjob before, like, describe what you do when you suck a dick. You know, like, you're not gonna describe it as, and I suck dick, like, or. And I gave a blowjob.

Like, I licked your shaft, I swallowed your cum. Yeah.

What did it taste like? Like what? You know, did you want it hard? Did you want it soft? And if you wanted it hard, why did you want it hard? Was like, the blood rushing in your body that's saying more, more, you know, like, are you, like, grinding your crotch like. Like against him because you just can't take it anymore? Like, I don't know. Like, these are feelings and thoughts that you already have. You just have to get them out.

In a cell phone or wherever.

That's it. I think you're. Take the notes, practice. Practice on your phone writing it. And then I love the idea also of using dirty talk and practicing with sexting, because then let's say there's something you want to try. You could just kind of test it. The waters there. Like, maybe you want your partner to edge you. You want your partner to tease you. You could say, I picture, you know, you coming home and, like, I'm in. You know, you tie me up and. And you won't let me come. You just explain to them what you want in detail and you try it out. And then if it doesn't happen, then, you know, maybe they weren't into it. But it's a good way to communicate when you're not looking eye to eye with someone.

Yeah, but I think either you have that kind of relationship with someone or you don't.

But people prematurely sex because some people are just starting out and then you don't. Because I know what you're saying. I've been in relationships where it's super dirty all the time like that, and then somewhere it's just not. And I probably need to be bringing it there, and I just am like, am I really invested, this relationship? But yeah, you just fucking go there. You. You could be the leader of it. There's no blueprint, because there they want it too, but no one knows how to do it. I hear from men, I hear from women, but is that because of the.

Dynamic you have with someone, or do you have. You know what I mean?

Well, here's the thing. I think you're absolutely right. I think sometimes we have this dynamic, and your partner's like, I want you to talk dirty to me. I just said, I want to fuck you so hard. Now your turn. And you're like, well, I've never talked dirty and they might not be giving you enough. Like, they don't know what they want either. So I love the idea of people buying your book, and when they read it to each other, the words come out of their mouth, and that's a practice. If you've never said any of these words, why do you think in the bedroom, where you might not be the most confident or you might be a little nervous, think that you should all of a sudden be able to be the perfect dirty talker.

But there's two different kinds. I mean, the dirty talking with sexting is way more descriptive. Dirty talk in the bedroom is just like. I mean, I don't really say that much during sex other than fuck me. Oh, God, that feels good. Like, fuck me harder, you know?

Like, I know that's what I've defaulted to.

Talk in the bedroom is just whatever comes to your brain, you know, and then it really will sound stupid if it's not natural to you. But dirty talk and sexting is like you're telling a story.

You're telling a story. Think of it like a story. And I love that. Of breaking down a sexual experience that you had with this person or that you want to have in the future and get. Get descriptive, get dirty. Whatever that means to you.

Yeah, that is sometimes like the tense, like, you have to act like it's happening right now, you know?

And then I have to do this.

And do this and like, now fuck me now give me your cock and do this. Like, if you really are sexting, like you are having sex, right? You know, you're not like, I want you to do this. It's like, get in the moment where the two of you are like, okay, now take your hand and put it on my. This. Okay, now do this. Now shove me this. Like, if you're really sexting, you're do it.

You're in the moment.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. It's happening. You. It is on. It is on. Oh, my God. Exactly. And then you're describing it. You're in it together. And then when you see each other. Good. It's kind of like you're having. It's sort of like foreplay. I always like foreplay all day. Like, what a great way to, like, build up. Then you know, when you see each other, you'll be so that much more turned on. And it also helps to masturbate while you're actually be doing it. Be doing the thing. So you're in that mindset. You're Like I am turned on and wet right now and I'm going to go there. It helps fill your fantasy life for sure. Or build it. What about role playing? Do you ever do any of that?

I love role playing. I mean, I think it's, it's so much fun. I think it's especially fun for women.

Give me some tips for that really quickly.

We love to buy clothes and this is an excuse to buy like different clothes to wear. Bedroom. Like, it's awesome.

I love it too. Here's one question we'll do really quickly. This is from Miranda, 28 in the UK. Any tips on dirty talk? This turns my partner on so much, but I find I get totally tongue tied. I feel instantly nervous and self conscious. I find it hard to vocalize. Despite being a very sexually experimental and open person. Why is talking in the moment so hard? You might feel awkward at first, but you just kind of do it. And then practice in the shower. Practice when you're alone. Practice when you're going for a run.

Start to. Just start by like moaning, you know, like some people are just too nervous to even like moan. You know, a lot of times things.

Just come out like they do if you're not moaning. I love it. Start with moaning because there's some of it so self conscious. If you're not making noise in the bedroom, like, walk before you run. Start to moan. Some women don't. I think that they're self conscious of that as well and they go back to your doing your own handiwork. Masturbation, I think, because then you could practice when you're masturbating. Practice all of this when you're masturbating and when you're alone first so you don't feel so. So like. So she doesn't feel so nervous and self conscious. Yeah, it's like you practice your lines before you do. You practice your lines before you do porn.

Well, of course. Yeah.

There you go. This is like that you guys were like performing something. Know it ahead of time. Yeah, yeah, Joanna.

But also it's okay, you know, like you can have good sex without dirty talking. And actually I think too much dirty talk can be weird.

Yeah. I think that people are thinking that they just have to say something that's perfect. And literally it can be like, fuck me harder. That feels so good. Your cock's so awesome. That's why I think also in the moment, just describe what you want. Describe what it feels like. Yeah, that's what you do in the moment. And then sexting, you get to tell your own erotic adventure.

Yeah.

Like your book, Joanna.

Yeah, it's. It's happening. Yes.

It's all happening.

Make. Make something happen.

Then it becomes, like, fun. Like when I'm with someone in it, it's like. It's exciting, it's fun, it's a thrill, it's magical. And you get turned you on. You're creating your own erotica that's gonna turn you on. And then you go back and read it. This is what I always say. Foreplay all day, keep sex top of mind. Because people just don't think about sex. They're busy, they're working, they're stressed out, and they get in the bedroom like, oh, now I have to perform. But this is such a great way to keep it going all the time when you're not with your partner. Yeah. I love it. Thank you, Joanna. This was super helpful. I'm glad you dropped in, Joanna Angel. Good.

I'm glad.

And I'm really. I love your. I can't wait to.

I hope you guys enjoyed the book.

I really did. Yeah, Absolutely. We all did. I can't wait for people to get it. Thank you, Joanna. They can find you at Joanna angel everywhere.

Yeah, yeah, Just Joanna angel on Instagram, Joanna angel on Twitter. If you want to. You want to sext with me? Sign up for my only fans.

There you go. They could just sext with you and learn. I love this. Joanna, thank you for being here. So good to see you.

Thank you.

Thank you for watching everyone buy the book club 42. All right, so I listened back to the episode, and I realized a lot of you are just starting out with dirty talk. Those are the questions I get. And Joanna had so many great points. But I know where you're at. I know where I've been, and I wanted to give you some steps to build on here. So. So let's start with sexting. So many of us find dirty talk difficult. And so if our partners ever said talk dirty to me, we're not exactly sure what they mean. Do you want a fantasy scenario? Do you want it to be, like, carefully crafted? You've never done it before, so I say walk before you run. Sexting is really fun for many reasons. It is personal. You get to decide what you want to say. It can also be great to sort of plant the seed for something you want later or testing out a fantasy. So there's different kinds of sexts. 1. Think about it this way. It's sort of a preview. I'm going to tear your clothes off the Second you get in the door or I've got a surprise waiting for you, I'm going to make you beg for it. My clothes are coming off the second you get home. So this is, you know, anticipation. This is building the arousal. Another kind of sext is a request. I want you. So what do you think about when you're touching yourself? I wish you were inside me right now. I really want to make you come. Okay, so that's like a request. You could say, tonight, I'm in charge. Tonight I have a surprise for you. I'm going to be wearing something sexy. And then another kind is things that you fantasize about, because, again, not only is this hot, but it's also sort of planting a seed. Because maybe it's, oh, my partner doesn't go down on me that much. So I'm gonna say, oh, I get so turned on when I think of you going down on me. Or it's so hot to think about you tying me up and spanking me. Or maybe you're into, like, a fantasy where you're dominated. You could say, you know, I did something really bad. You might have to spank me. Maybe you saw something together, a movie, and you could be like, oh, that scene was so hot. The way they were. You know, he had sex with her in the elevator. You could even just refer to something a lot of people refer to the podcast. You could say, I was listening to this podcast today, and I was thinking how hot it would be if you came over here and tied me up. Just plant the seeds. And then there's the teasing. Okay, there's a teasing tactic. I'm so wet right now. I just got out of the shower. I can't wait for you to see the underwear I'm wearing. I'm so turned on right now. You can't have me right now, but wait till tomorrow. Teasing. And then, this is a great one. Refer to something that happened to you in the past. We can all do that, right? I keep thinking about when you were inside me, how hot that was. Remember the time that. That we had sex for three hours and you made me come so hard. I can't stop thinking about last night. I want you to do that same thing you did with your tongue next time I see you getting it. So you're just reliving something. You don't even have to make it up. These happened. And then compliments. Love compliments. Many of us do. Who doesn't like a compliment? You feel so good inside me. I love how you make me Feel. It's just, I cannot wait to see you. The anticipation is just killing me. I can't get enough of you, right? So you don't have to be so filthy. You're planting the seed, right? You're letting him know what you think and how you feel. Because let's be honest, don't you want to know that your partner desires you? Isn't that one of the hottest things to know that your partner's thinking about you? Here's the other thing. If you get stuck in sext and you don't know what to say, your partner sex you something you could say, well, what else are you gonna do? What comes next? Or you can just say, that's such a turn on. Or I love when you talk like that. Tell me everything and then see where it goes from there. So dirty talk does not have to be like super, you know, xxx filthy, all those things. It could just be like, wait till you see me and you see what I'm wearing for you. You know, that just might be enough inspiration and planting the seed for what comes next. Okay, let's talk about dirty talk in the bedroom. You don't want to disrespect your partner or you don't know, you know, how they're going to feel about certain words. So kind of leave things in the bedroom. Just because something happens in the bedroom doesn't mean it has to happen in public. And also, I think you gotta be careful with the words that you use too. I don't think you want to go right to slut and bitch and all these things unless your partner, you know, it's like everything you want to, you want to start slow and then you want to escalate it. This does take practice. I've said this. And that's why sexting is kind of fun. Because sexting is sort of a precursor. It's like less embarrassing to write something down than to say it straight to their face. So that's why just saying, like, how good was our sex last night? You know, I can't stop thinking about having sex with you. I'm going to take matters into my own hands tonight when you're not around. So when we get into the bed, I love the idea of just making sure that you're comfortable making noise and moaning. You can increase the intensity of your bones. You can practice when you're masturbating making noise. But when you're in bed together, you don't have to go totally filthy. You can say, I'm watching you disappear inside Me. It's so sexy. So this way you're describing what's happening in the moment. You could even say to your partner, tell me what you want to do to me right now. If your partner looks shocked, you could just laugh, right? Listen, I want to acknowledge that this is awkward. It could be uncomfortable. But you're not going to offend a partner. You could just say, oh, God, I was so turned on. I never want to offend you. You can also try it in public. You could just, like, whisper in your partner's ear and say, you know, something like, you know, I can't wait till we get home. I'm already really wet right now. And just kind of lean back and see what they say to that. And don't worry if it sounds cheesy. Like, dirty talk is a little. It's a little out there. And it's okay to read erotica, watch porn, or, you know, write down stuff that has made you feel hot and sexy. Write your own erotica about the last time you were together. And listen, if your partner says something again that you don't like, maybe they use a word you don't like. You're like, I don't want to be called bitch. You could say, after, you know what? That was hot. I like talking dirty. But when you call me a bitch, that doesn't feel great. But do you want to try blank? And then you get to give them examples of what they want to fill in. And just know that again. Like, just start slow. You listen. You have your whole life to have sex with your partner or with someone else. So remember this in bed, how are you feeling? You could say something like, I love when you touch me like that. Your skin feels so good against my skin. I love to taste you. I love when you taste me. It feels so good when you're touching me everywhere. I love how your tongue feels. And then you could also tell them what you want to do to them. I'm going to tear your clothes off. I'm going to have my way with you. I'm going to make you come so hard, you know, what do you want me to do? I'm up for anything tonight. I'm gonna kiss every inch of your body. I've been thinking about what you're gonna do to me all day long. Then you can tell them what you want them to do to you tonight. I want you to take control. I've always wanted someone to spank me. So I just want you guys to know that it can just be very descriptive, something that you're feeling something that's happened in the past, something you want to happen in the future. But don't beat yourself up if you don't know exactly what to say. If you're new to sex, you're new to dirty talk. You've never really thought about it in these terms. You're just sort of present. That's all. Fine. There's some growing pains. Maybe it'll be awkward. Practice in the shower. But I want you to have fun with it because I promise you, like everything else, once you do it, you get used to it. And it'll just be like, you won't even overthink it. It'll be like riding a bike. Dirty talk will be like. Like, I can't help it. It's just coming out of my mouth. All right, so giving you a range here. Giving you a range. Let me know if this works for you. Send me any of your questions. Feedbackexwithemily.com all right, we're gonna take a quick break. We come back, I'm gonna talk to Sally about ghosting after a first date.

Okay, so Megan's is our call screener. You get to talk to Megan when you call in with your questions. And she's amazing. So she just. We get on the zoom as we do, and she said her roommate has a dating question. I said, well, let's bring her on. So they're adorable faces now are together, and she's a question. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, so I'm Sally. I'm from Tennessee. Megan and I live together in California.

How old are you?

Oh, 24.

So sorry.

24. Got it. No. Okay, tell me everything, Sally.

I went on my first hinge date a few nights ago, which was really big for me because I've always wanted to go on a dating app date, just never did. I've been on dating apps for a while, so I was just. I took the plunge because he just felt like the right guy to go on a date with. Like, very much my type. He was very kind. So basically, we matched on a Monday morning, and by the end of that day, he had asked me out for drinks. We were going out for drinks Tuesday night. Like, very fast turnaround, which was really big for me to go on a date. Also that quick of a turnaround, kind of wild, but so a little bit of confidence. When he messaged me, he liked a photo, and he sent a comment that you can do on hinge where you can, like, send a little message. And he said that he actually followed me on social media. Because I have, like, a little bit of a social media following. And so I was like, oh, so he very much knows who I am. Like, knows probably way too much about me. This is kind of cringy embarrassing. But he obviously, like, likes my sense of humor. Like, knows who I am. Great. And again, he was my type, too. So we messaged. We decided to meet up for drinks. So we went out Tuesday night. And it was very natural. Like, no awkward pauses, very easy conversation. And the day after, we, like, texted a little bit. When we first started texting before the date, we both had read receipts on. And we both acknowledged it, like, very much. Like, oh, you have read receipts. Like, that's funny. And he was like, oh, I do too. Like, we talked about it. And I was like, oh, I love read receipts because it's just good to be up front. Like, but then. So we both have read receipts on. But he left me undelivered, which means that he has, like, that one little red number notification that's just sitting there that he hasn't deliberately opened it. And it's been 48 hours. And so I'm just like, what's this game? Like, just leave me on read.

I don't get it.

Like, is the notification just sitting there?

That is. I just got left unread. That is confusing. Unless he's in the hospital or something happened. Not your guy, probably. Here's the thing. He could come back around and say, oh, my God, sorry this week was so crazy, but you've known him for three days and all the things, all the open red receipts. And then the day after, I had this happen with a friend last week. She went out with a guy. She met him that night. She didn't hear from him. Something happened. She was like, spent three days. What's wrong with me? Why did this happen? Why did this happen? So there's this saying that you should. That it takes about half the time you dated someone to get over that. We're talking long. You dated for six months. Maybe it'll take you three months. You went out with him for 90 minutes or two hours. And so I don't want this guy to take up more time than he already has with you because I love that you got on the app. And maybe he'll come back around. Maybe his phone broke. Maybe he's the hospital. Maybe something. His grandma. Something happened. He had to fly back home. But it's weird. Like, I don't. We'll never know. We will never know what it is. Maybe he's dating other people. Maybe he. Who knows? He just like, I want to go out there. She seems really fun. Maybe he got back together with his ex. But you didn't do anything. You didn't say anything. You showed up authentically yourself. And what I love about this is he's your guy. Because he got you. Like, he saw me. He got my TikTok. This is who I am. Keep bringing you on all your dates, wherever you. I'm telling you, I can't imagine what you would have done anyway. And usually the things that we think we did, it's not even about that. I might have done something so horrible. I'm like, oh, my God, I had food in my teeth the whole time. And he didn't call. And, like, sure enough, no, it's. If he does it, it's something totally. And it's never what we're worried about. We won't know. And I'd love you to, like, start swiping again right now, you know? Cause I have no idea. Right. But also, you have to tell us, obviously, if you do hear from him. Cause I'm invested now. What's gonna happen?

I'll let you know.

But what do you think? But tell me what you think happened. What do you. What's. What's been going through your head? I just circumvented that. You might have been obsessing about it and worried and wondering and what I say. Was it what I wore? Was it. Cause we've all been there.

I've been trying to, like, put myself, like, in his shoes. And I think it could be a few things. Like, I think he could be dating around. He could have, like you said, gotten back with an ex or talking to other girls. I don't know. Like, maybe he just matched with me. He's been following me for a while, and he's like, his friends and him, they were like, oh, this is cool. Like, go meet this girl. Like, even though you've been, like, talking to this other girl, when, you know, whatever, it's an experience.

Let's just assume this is just for you. This is for everybody. Assume. Assume they are dating around. Just know they are because they met you on an app. App. No matter what it's at, if you meet someone, they're swiping and they're. Maybe they're. I mean, I have a lot of friends who've been in the apps when they're in the quest to find someone. Or some people just want to sleep around and they, like. Some people are on the, like, one day to night. Track some people. I've. I have an ex who's one of my dear friends now who used to date, like, he would. He. He was so OCD about dating that like, he would have four night, sometimes three a night, and then he'd have like a list to remember their names. I want that for you too. But for you it was like a new. It was your first one and you haven't dated an app before. And so it always is hard the first time and it's probably what's gonna happen again. And then you're gonna do it to somebody. But maybe you'll be cool about it. I mean, you'll be like, hey, that was really fun. But you know what? I'm not feeling it. He might be playing it cool, but do you wanna date someone who's playing it cool and put you on, not read receipt for two days? Cause this'll be the relationship. This is. When I say the issues you have in the third date or first date, you have forever. This is it.

Yeah, no, I definitely don't want someone that's playing it cool. But I also think, like, you were just saying, this is my first time getting in. Like, I was telling a friend about it and she was like, welcome to the game. Like, it's the best and the worst and like, I'm just happy to be in the game. That was my first dating app and now I'm in the game. So happy to be here.

Let's celebrate the goddamn game. You put your foot in there, you're doing it, and you're going to put yourself out there and then it becomes fun. Then you get it. You're like, oh, this. Oh, I get it. Okay, whatever. Onto the next. But I'm, you know, I try to be upfront with people now and just say, hey, it was great, or, you know, would love to see you again. And I'm like, yeah, that was fun. But I just didn't feel there was like a romantic vibe. But thanks for drinks, but I've had times where I have probably in the past ghosted. Not proud of that, but years ago. And so I just recommend we're honest with each other. Let's talk to Tim, who's got a comment about how Covid has actually been good for his relationship. Hi, Tim. How's the pandemic affected your relationship?

Covid has actually been great for us because we have been together for 10 years. We've always had a great relationship. We've both had very crazy working hours, so we didn't have as much Love making or sex prior to Covid. Covid. We're both off. We're both furloughed for the first time in our entire 10 years. We're together 24 7, 365. We loved it. It was great.

I'm so happy. You're the couples that are. Yeah. The ones who are like just too busy to be together that have actually been thriving. I love it. Tim.

Right. So we actually got to have a lot more sex and we're both in great shape. Workout. No health issues or anything like that. She is kind of opposite of a lot of your listeners that we listen to in that she can orgasm very quickly and she can do penetration.

She really likes that. She can, she can orgasm clitorally also, but she's very quick to orgasm.

Great.

And so we will have foreplay. We've always used toys. We've always done different things. And the one thing that I've noticed is, hey, I'm 63. I can't every, every day I can. I don't have any problems with an erection or anything, but I'm not going to ejaculate every day unless there's a lot of foreplay. And sometimes. Well, most of the time actually she's pretty quick to. Foreplay is great. We're having fun. Okay, I need you now inside me. And I'm like, okay, that's great. But I could use a little bit more foreplay. Hun. So we've kind of tried to figure out some things we even talked about, you know, because sometimes we can go fairly long time. One, we had like this two or three hour session and she's like, I haven't had one of those for like years. But. And that was huge fun that we've even talked about adding somebody in to kind of help extend things out. What do we do? So I'm trying to figure out what can we do to kind of get that foreplay longer and sort of slow her down in terms of I need you now.

I think that setting up and letting her know, painting a picture of what foreplay looks like for you.

So do you know what your most excellent foreplay looks like? When you feel the best? What happens, what goes down? Paint the scenario and then you could explain that to her. But you can tell me too.

It starts mentally actually, because we'll talk about sex, we'll talk about different things in our, in our life that we've. And she was in a really controlling relationship for a long, long time. And I gotta tell you, your show, we've been listening to for three months really helped move her out of that body shaming. I feel guilty, you know, about sex type thing. And really has helped her embrace more of her sexuality, which has been terrific. But so mentally it helps, you know, if we spend some time, you know, we've even played a little strip poker and stuff like that, which has been huge fun, where we can, you know, whoever loses wins type thing.

Right.

Blow jobs are terrific.

Yeah.

And having her helping her orgasm with the toy and stuff like that's also a turnaround too. But.

Yeah, so it's. It's meant. But you said also it was mental, so talking about it too. So how are you? I mean, really, it's just a matter of scheduling it. Saying that we're gonna, you know, going away for a night and saying we're going to get out of this room and, you know, we're gonna get a hotel room, even for a night in your own city. So I'm switching up our environment because you've been home so much. But I, you know, if you've been listening. I always say you have these conversations when you're, you know, outside the bedroom, having a drink at dinner and like, start to paint our scenarios that you really like or, you know, you love when she texts you things in the morning, talking about that evening, or, you know, start building up. Because the foreplay is all about anticipation, whether it's mental or physical. So there's something that you need. Like your ideal. Cause if you're talking about time, like, really, like, you get in bed and you guys are exhausted and there's no time, I understand that that's something that, you know. But on the weekends, would that be enough for you if maybe on Sundays there was more foreplay or Saturdays? Cause maybe if you painted the picture during your, like, one day a week, we're gonna make this our date night. We're gonna turn off our phones, we're gonna take a bath, or we're gonna get massages, or you're just gonna, like, it's okay to. To plan it out. You can always have surprises, like bring in new toys or bring in a third, like you were saying. But I feel like you're gonna have to do, you know, some of it. Because if there really isn't time and she's not expecting it, you know, that's tough. The other thing is, like I said, when you're sitting down, letting her know when you're having a conversation outside the bedroom. You know, these are all the things I love about our sex Life quarantine was so great for us because of all these things. But I.

The most aroused the biggest ejaculate release when I have a little bit of foreplay. And so I know we're really busy. Ask her for her suggestions. So if this is something that's core to my arousal, how do you suggest we work it in? Because I'm sure she wants to please you. Most of our partners want to be really great lovers.

We actually are pretty good about having those conversations outside the bedroom, thanks to listening to you, actually. But Jen just in the physical act there just gets to the point of where she's like, okay, I don't have any control, I just need you now type thing. And I'm like, hey, I'm not ready yet.

But what if you just like tease her and you say like, I'm not gonna get. I'm not gonna give it to you now. Or you, you know, you just sort of made it a. Like you touch her for a minute and then she goes down on you and then you go back to her and then she goes to you and you could. That's the best sex and that is foreplay. The build up, the anticipation, the edging yourself until you get to orgasm and is so hot. We don't do that enough.

Actually thought of it makes sense. I thought about that. I thought about. Well, because actually for most of our relationship the focus has been on her, you know, her orgasm and her foreplay and those types of things. And it's now it's like, maybe, maybe we're not going to break that toy out or maybe I'm not going to go down on you until you have some time with me.

Yeah, absolutely. But if you say it, you know, I would just say, you know, I realize it what the best sex we have or the. When I feel the most aroused and I really want to go down on you is when you go down on me first. It means a lot to me. Do you think she recognizes it? Like, have you ever talked to her about it?

Yes.

Okay. But you know, if you.

She likes to do that.

Okay. She probably just forgets or gets busy. But I think if you bring it up again in a really heartfelt way, like not with a threat. And I know that you're kind of joking, but not just with a threat, like, not with a ultimatum. Like, I'm not going to go down on you unless you go down on me. But I think if you genuinely come from a place of. I know, but if you come from a place of why it Makes you feel turned on and aroused and why it's important to you for her to tease you and do foreplay. I'm thinking that any wife is going to be like, okay, I hear that's a need. And you might have to say it again, because sometimes we get busy and we forget. It's really hard to change a habit. It's really hard to start a new behavior that we've never done. She probably has never done it. You've always been going down on her. Yeah. So just be kind, be patient, but still bring it up to her. You deserve it. You do deserve yours. Absolutely.

I will do that.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye, Tim.

You too.

Bye, Tim. Have a good night. Thank you. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but stay tuned. I'll be answering rapid fire questions from Instagram.

Okay. You guys know that you can send your questions to feedbackexwithemily.com youm can also find us on all social media. Sex with Emily. But a lot of you send your questions Instagram, which is exwithemily. And we get so many of them. I think we got like a hundred last week in one day or something. All those. It was. It was a lot. And so we have a new segment here, and this is the rapid fire segment where I answer a bunch of your questions. But I'm going to do it quickly. So if you want to send those questions too, through Instagram, you can do that. Let's do it.

And now it's time for rapid Fire with Dr. Emily.

All right. Okay. Wendy 49, Philadelphia. I'm new to butt play. How do I get started? What do I need to know? Plus, how do you clean your butt out? Oh, that's a lot for rapid fire. But how do you get started? Very carefully, make sure that you just. You need to know that you want to go slow, you want to use a lot of lube, and you want to breathe deeply. You don't have to do anything like an enema. But what you do need to do is make sure that you have empty your bowels, you know, don't have just ate a big meal. And make sure that you are with a partner that you can communicate really openly and honestly with and someone who has your back, you know, and that you can trust. And there's a lot of nerve endings. So you can start with a finger. You can start with touching outside. And just go slow. All right, so how to talk to my. Talk about my fun, exciting sex life with friends who aren't having sex. How good are These friends, because there's always going to be times in lives where one friend's having more sex than the other one. And so I say you be with the friends who support you, who love you and who inspire you and who are like, that's awesome that you're having great sex. And then you listen to whatever's going on in their life. A lot of anal questions, okay, I think I only have orgasms after a few drinks, I'm more relaxed. How could I know for sure? Stop drinking. Why don't you try to have an orgasm when you're not drinking? That's the best way to figure out. Also, have a healthy masturbation practice. Figure out what feels good to you. Then you're going to know and you won't be overthinking your orgasms and feel like you need to get as drunk. John32 Instagram says, When a woman says do whatever you want during foreplay, what is she really saying? She's probably saying, I don't know what I need or want or I'm afraid to ask you for what I want. So I would say, take this conversation outside the bedroom and ask her and say, you know, when you say do whatever you want, I actually want to know what you really want because I want to do all the things that make you feel amazing. But ask her what she wants when you're not having sex. Female, 24 on Instagram Having a severe dry spell with my 29 year old boyfriend during the quarantine. How can I increase my sex drive? You got to mix it up. The things that we crave. And the reason why I've become so bored is because you're not taking time apart, you're spending time on top of each other, which a lot of us have to do right now. But the most important thing is to try something new. Try one thing different. Can you go away for a few days and have some distance from him? If you've been living on top of each other, can you even have a talk about your sex life that could mix it up? Try something new, try something different, and make sure that you turn your own pilot light on. And that's what you got to do.

Okay, any recommendations? Female Instagram, any recommendations for lube specifically made for those with very sensitive skin? I love that you're asking this because you don't want to get shitty lube. You want to get lube that is made for, you know, women especially. You want to be able to understand the ingredients that go into a something. If you read the Bottle has a bunch of ingredients. You don't understand. You don't want that lube. So I love pur. They make have a woman's formula. It's pjur. It's awesome. I would check that out.

Female, 38. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and I still hate to initiate sex. Any tips?

Yeah. Okay. So this is also a skill set as we talk about. I would ask your husband for his fantasy move and say, what would it look like if I initiate sex to you? What would be your ideal fantasy? And then do that.

I'm horny all the time and I love being watched while masturbating. Is that okay? Perfectly okay. I love that you know what turned you on. Tell your partner that you think it'd be hot if they watched you while you were masturbating. In fact, one of my favorite sex moves is mutual masturbation. So I am down.

Oh. Female 30. Instagram started dating someone new. Sex is awful. Will it change? I'm trying my best.

No, it won't. It likely won't change.

If the sex was never great, never good. Even at the beginning. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. There's going to be a lot of places to go to make it great. But I always think before you leave a relationship, make sure that you've done whatever you need to do. So I recommend talking to them about outside the bedroom and saying, like, let's talk about what we're both into and try to make it better. But it's not going to magically get better on its own. That I can tell you for sure. It's just gonna get worse from here. Male, 40. Is it easier to go hook up with an ex or hook up with a friends with benefits booty call. I say a booty call. If your ex is an ex for a reason, leave them in the past. And you never know what's gonna happen with a hookup. But at least it's something new and exciting and there's a reason you broke up with your ex. Take them off that pedestal. You broke up for a reason. Trust your judgment. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter it's all Sex with Emily and I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me. 8894 stars. That's triple 8947 8277. Get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.com sxm. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com Emily Morse was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwitthemily.com.

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