Talk Tantric Sex To Me

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps, it licks, it vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course, I had to hook.

All of you up.

So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily.

So if we can let go of even the expectation of orgasm, but rather go deeply into, say, the sucking of a nipple or the feel of cool skin or the delicious way your partner is kissing you from neck to toe, if you are breathing, if you are staying in your body, then you can go into alternative orgasmic states, especially with the breath that are so juicy that you won't care if you had a genital orgasm or not.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the the conversation around sex. All right here in the 21st century, we're fascinated by something that was invented in the seventh century, and that is tantra. And more specifically, tantric sex. But it's also one of the most misunderstood practices around. Starting with, it's not just about sex. Tantra is an entire world of spirituality, intimacy, breathwork, and presence. Which is precisely why I have Barbara Karelis, founder of Urban Tantra, on the show with me today. She's a pioneer in the world of tantric healing practices. Barbara gives us the real deal on these sacred techniques and shows us how we can use them in the modern world for full body pleasure, higher states of consciousness, and a radically deeper connection with your partner. Plus, I answer your questions like how do you stay in the present moment during sex and not disassociate while it's happening? Or how do you not get so nervous that you block all the pleasure? Well, I've got some thoughts on that. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode, let's set an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to give you just a tiny glimpse into the ancient practice we call Tantra so you can decide if it's something you want to explore more deeply and even find parts of it that could fit into your current sex life for a different plane of spiritual and sexual experiences. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily How Can I Be More Confident in the Bedroom? Is up@sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Before we get into all things Tantra with Barbara Karelles, I just want to say one thing. This is an interview that I did a few years ago and I think it's really important to start talking about it more on the show because, well, yes, it's an ancient practice and I hope I didn't lose a lot of you there when I talk about it. A lot of people hear of tantric sex as being something very esoteric and something you need to spend hours and hours practicing when really tantric sex is just a whole new way of being in sexual connection with a partner. And what I love about it is that it allows you to access deeper levels of feeling and sensation and figure out yourself more and how to connect to your partner and release blocks and all the things. And I just don't want you to think it's really too complicated and something that's going to intimidate you. I want it to be more welcoming and I really do think it's hard to cover this topic in a single episode. So I just want to give you my top three tips to keep in mind while listening. A tantra 101 if you will. And there's going to be more tantric episodes in our future together. So this is a deep spiritual tradition with roots in Hinduism and Buddhism, with so much beautiful history that I couldn't fit it all into this episode. So to help you stay focused, and because it's a podcast about sex, after all, I want you to listen close for these three tantra pointers. First, use breath strategically. You know, when most of us first learn about sex and masturbation, we keep our breath shallow. In fact, a lot of us walk through lives really with shallow breathing, meaning like we breathe from our neck up. But tantra utilizes full body breath for full body sensations. It's also helpful for keeping us really present because sometimes, if you can relate, our mind wanders during sex. And really that's what tantra offers. It's a technique for radical presence, starting with our breath. You can be super simple with it, saying to yourself, in on the inhale and out on the exhale, and just stay with it along with all the sensations that start to open up. Next, do something erotically constructive. What do I mean by that? Well, as we know, it's really easy to go other places mentally while the sex is happening, even if the sex is exciting and fun. Maybe you're hungry and thinking about dinner, or maybe you're just trying to orgasm already and you're thinking about your ex. We get nervous. We get into our heads about what's going to happen next, and that's human. But tantra, what I love about tantra, and I think you will too, it teaches us presence for a type of sex that's truly connected and even a bit vulnerable, you know, in a super sexy, sexy, hot way.

And another way to do this is through eye contact. It is really sexy to stare into your partner's eyes, even if initially it feels a little scary. And it's a tantra technique for a reason, because you're going to feel a kind of ego melting as you do it, a connection with this other person that's going to take you to new heights because you're releasing some of those psychological blocks that in other scenarios, prevent this level of intimacy. So you with me, eye contact and breathing. Finally know that genital orgasm isn't the goal. To experience the deep sexual energy of tantra that you might be craving. You gotta let go, let go of those conventional sex goals, like getting off. I'm not saying orgasms aren't fun, because they are. But what I love about tantra is it teaches our bodies all kinds of electric sensations, including new ways to orgasm, including orgasms you've probably never felt before in all different parts of your body. But here's the funny part. Once we release the idea that genital orgasm is where this sexual encounter must go, we're more liberated to explore other sensations and often end up with an orgasm anyway. Except it's more explosive because we've allowed that energy to build and to build. We didn't force it. We didn't will our way to it. We didn't leave the room in our minds and think about all the things that turn us on. We weren't forcing it to happen. Tantric sex opens a door to longer lasting orgasms, even non ejaculatory orgasms, multiple orgasms for penis owners, nipplegasms. All because we've let go of our expectations around sex and have made way for more playful possibilities. All right, to my incredible listeners, this is your tantra 101. On to the show. Barbara Karellis is the founder of Urban Tantra, an approach to sacred sexuality that adapts and blends a wide variety of conscious sexuality practices, from Tantra to bdsm. She teaches the inseparable connection between your sex life and the rest of your life, and the happy integration of body, mind and spirit. She's a true pioneer. Barbara began her work during the AIDS crisis in the late 1980s, a time when the connections between sex, spirit and healing were their most strained. Well, since then, she's facilitated countless healing circles and support groups for women, was awarded a Sexual Freedom Award for lifetime achievement in 2016, has been a guest lecturer at Harvard, Brown, Yale, Sarah Lawrence and more. Find more barbara@barbaracarellis.com or on Instagram or Twitter at urbantantrica. Hi Barbara, welcome to the show. I am a huge fan of your work and wanted to have you on the podcast because I feel like you will help my listeners to understand the intricacies of tantric sex, since I feel so many people don't even know what it really is. To start off, can you explain how tantra as a practice is different from tantric sex?

Good point.

Yes.

Maybe you could explain that.

There's tantra, there's tantric sex. We're going to talk about tantric sex, but to contextualize it just for a minute, Tantra is a spiritual practice. It's also a bit of a social political revolution. It's ancient, it's Indian, we don't need to know, although many people want to. And it's fascinating. All the history of all the aspects of tantra, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with Sex. However, what Tantra does say is that you can reach.

Your potential, your spiritual growth, some would say enlightenment, by going anything, going into anything on this earth plane, completely, totally, with complete consciousness and total commitment. Including sex.

Right.

Sex is one of the things on this earth that by going into totally, you can achieve spiritual peace, physical happiness, realization. Okay? In essence, what tantric sex means is slowing down, going into each moment mindfully. We've all seen that word. And being present now and adding breath. Because the more you breathe, the more you feel. Breath also leads to amazing changes of state. Let me give you an example. You know, like, you have kind of bleh, sex, and you're like, mm, this'll be over soon. And. And that's about the extent of your breathing because you're really just kind of waiting for it to end. Then there's this sex.

Oh, yeah.

And that goes on and that goes on and that go on. And when you finally have an orgasm, you think it's just about all the yummy things that your lover was doing to your genitals. But part of why you feel so good was the.

Breathing. You have literally taken your mind into an altered state of consciousness. So if you slow down and breathe more, you have a huge piece of the tantric sex secret right there.

Yes. Yes. I love everything you're saying, and I know that.

So breath, okay. But learning to breathe properly. So many of us breathe, like chest up.

Right?

Like fight or flight and like dive. Do you teach certain kinds of breathing?

Correct.

When I first started on this path, I learned all these different breath techniques, and they are wonderful, and each one produces a different effect. But honestly, all you have to do is breathe a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do, and you'll be fine.

Okay.

The trick is remembering to keep breathing. I like to tell my students and colleagues, give your mind erotically constructive things to do. If you're thinking about a fantasy about somebody who's not in the room, who's not involved in this scene, you're being taken away from the experience you're trying to be a part of. However, if you can focus on something like your breath, your partner's breath, the two of you breathing together, that's an erotically constructive thing to be doing that keeps you in the present moment as opposed to in some other place in some other time. Which is where fantasies happen.

Exactly.

So erotically constructive things to do. Let's call it Tantra 102 instead of 101, would be imagining you can see sexual energy running through your partner's body. Imagining that you see sex as more of an energetic act instead of just a physical act. That too takes imagination. You can think of sexual energy as hot red fire or.

Orange fluff. It doesn't really matter.

I love the erotically. I had to write that down. Erotically constructive fantasy. So what I love that you're saying here, and this is where I need, I love this is because I often talk about being more mindful during sex. Because the biggest challenge is that we're all so goddamn distracted. Not even just for sex, but to get in the mood, to get aroused, desire, to get turned on. We just don't. We're just. We're in our head. So I always say, like, be mindful, focus on your. If you find mind wandering and you're worrying during sex, I always say go to your senses. Like, focus on your breath. Like, what are you touching? What are you smelling, what are you hearing, what are you tasting? Because when all your senses are engaged, you can't be in your head.

You're in your body.

Very tantric. Part of a tantric practice, erotically, is to release expectation and goals. One of the things we're in our heads about is, am I going to have an orgasm? Are they going to have an orgasm? How good will the orgasm be? Will it be better than yesterday? Better? As good as I was hoping. And we're everywhere but in the present moment. So if we can let go of even the expectation of orgasm, but rather go deeply into, say, the sucking of a nipple or the feel of cool skin, or the delicious way your partner is kissing you from neck to toe, if you are breathing, if you are staying in your body, if you are really focusing on feeling the sensory elements that you were just talking about, Emily, then you can go into alternative orgasmic states, especially with the breath that are so juicy that you won't care if you had a genital orgasm or not. That's where the myth about Entantra people can't come or don't come. Yes, they do. But they know what alternative orgasms look like. They know that there are totalities of possibilities of orgasm that they haven't even discovered yet. And they're open to tripping over a new one. So giving up that goal of what's supposed to happen, and if this doesn't happen, and that doesn't happen, and that doesn't happen, we have failed. Whereas if you don't have any expectations, whatever happens is a win, is a success, is a hey, who knew that was cool?

So you're saying let go of orgasm, the concept of it. Because what you feel through the breath is a different kind of orgasm.

That's one piece of it. Let go of how sex is supposed to go down.

Right. Cause we don't know every time we think we know. Right.

We think we know.

And it's limited to, you know, something the size of a comic book, when in reality the possibilities are more like the entire bank of knowledge in six Wikipedias.

Yeah, it's true.

I always say we have to expand our sexual repertoire.

We've all just scratched the surface and our sexual possibilities. Yeah, we don't know what we don't know. One of the techniques I love to teach people are breath and energy orgasms. Their orgasmic states reached just by breathing. And if you can master. And it's not that hard, it's really a simple technique. If you could master a breath and energy orgasm and then take that skill into your regular lovemaking.

I'm seeing fireworks.

Yeah, I already am. Because we.

So anyway, I have on barbaracarellis.com, you can find a downloadable guided meditation to help you do that. But a bre and energy orgasm technique will help show you that there's a vast range of orgasmic possibilities that lie beyond the ones that Cosmopolitan magazine and I love Cosmo talk about.

Is this for men and for women?

Absolutely any and. And people differently gendered than men, right?

Exactly.

Everybody.

All genders.

All genders.

Everybody who's.

And all sexual preferences.

That's amazing to me. So because we, like, we often. We don't know how to use our breath constructively is what we're saying. Like it's our life force, but we actually don't even know. We're not taught how to breathe. And I've.

I mean, and the culture supports very, very, very shallow breathing. And most of us learned when we were first masturbating as kids, we internalized holding our breath while we were masturbating. There are some physiological reasons why we hold our breath right before we come. But I believe that when we were. However we were. And we were masturbating and it was in secret and we didn't want to get caught. What's a sure way not to make a sound and not get caught? Hold your breath. And so we all learn to masturbate. Like.

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Why guys are so quiet sometimes you're like, because you're afraid your mom was going to walk in.

Exactly. And you want to be quick because you're gonna get caught and the quick, the. So you hold your breath and you bear down and you make yourself come. And so our orgasms are completely lacking in breath and oxygen and are filled with tension.

Yeah, they are.

We're pushing it out.

One of the things Tantra will teach you and the breath and energy. Orgasm is just a great technique within that umbrella. Under that umbrella is to relax, open up, breathe more and take that into orgasm. It's kind of energetically like the difference between filling a 30 gallon jug, which is the breath, or a coffee cup, which is the quickie under the covers holding our breath. And how much sexual energy would you like to have in your tank if you were going to fly to the moon?

Yeah, I mean, all of it. I want all of this sexual energy on the planet and we can all have. And the great thing is it's accessible to everybody. Right. Like everybody could learn this.

Everyone can do this. Even people with spinal cord injuries can do this.

And they could learn to have sensation in their body. They could have orgasms energetically through their breath. I mean, I totally understand this and I've seen it and I've. Can you help people who don't, who want to fantasize less or let's tell people who are, who have porn challenges, watching too much porn or, you know, this is a way of kind of rewiring the brain or rewiring those circuits in a way because you're replacing it with breath.

Yeah. And it can be like any new skill or especially if you're breaking a habit, it can be kind of a bit challenging at times. It's good if you have a practice buddy or several because it's just different. And anytime we try to do something differently, it takes a little bit of discipline. You have to show up and do the practice.

But is it the kind of thing that in your courses, for example, your urban tantra classes, that you're just. It's close on or is it close.

Off or is it.

I do a lot of, of clothes on classes like here in New York, which is where we are at the moment. I teach frequently at the New York Open Center. All this is on my calendar of events, by the way. And I have a one day that is absolutely totally clothes on. And you don't have. You're not forcibly paired with anybody. You can meet somebody there or bring somebody with you or just work alone. Because most of a lot of what I, when I learned tantra, a lot of it I learned on my own. I didn't go into it to work on a Relationship with a lover. I went into it because there was an AIDS crisis going on and I was looking for a safer sex practice that had a spiritual and a healing component. All the benefits and other relationship and sexual lovelies that came out of that.

Were lovely, but it isn't why I'd gone into it.

Oh, that's fascinating. So before that you were having sex, just having orgasms like everybody else. Like everybody else. And then you went into this. How long were you in the practice? Like.

Well, because we were in a crisis situation in the late 80s, Annie Sprinkle and I, I'm sure you.

Now a famous ecosexual and artist. Annie and I started studying tantra. We would learn something on a weekend and we would bring it back to the people with AIDS at the New York Healing Circle the following Tuesday. And so we'd have to sometimes translate from a, let's say a Sanskrit based chanting workshop to what might work in a room full of gay men. Hence urban tantra. I was constantly making things accessible and seeing if I got the same result, which was peace, serenity, an ecstatic body feeling, which believe me, people with AIDS were sorely lacking, and a sense that everyone was part of a group. Greater, higher, safer, loving, good.

Right. And what.

I mean, that's amazing work you did. I didn't know much about your history in that, but that is, I mean, that's so healing and so such a beautiful practice that you learned, given our.

Culture today, we need it now.

This is what I'm saying.

I love how you started out saying how it's not just for sex. Like, if we get people in through sex, great. But if it helps you become more mindful in your day to day life and to take more deep breaths. I mean, and I mean, that's amazing to me because I think we could all. We're so distracted. Like, I've always been distracted before the cell phones and now it's like I need to meditate. I mean, whatever I can do. But even right now, I feel my breath. I've taken, I've tried. Even when I'm stressed, I keep breaths and it changes everything.

Yeah, and I really encourage people. Here's another one of those tips. I really encourage people to do what Annie Sprinkle termed meditation. Combine masturbation and meditation. Have an orgasm and then go into meditation.

Yeah, that's. I'm so for that. My new mantra this year was. Another one was meditate, masturbate and manifest. But I was just saying, is it better to masturbate first or After I meditate, I kind of flip it around.

Great.

Okay, so let's talk about God. There's so many things erotic touch with. Okay, so sensual massage. So you do that exercise. But what about if you're with a partner, though, in Valentine's Day, you would do that.

Exactly the same thing I just asked you as.

But you would do that on your partner.

Yep. And as slowly as you can do it. And the other thing is to get the right amount of pressure is. All right, I'm gonna get briefly nerdy. The resilient edge of resistance, which all that means is that place of pressure that's not too light, which is creepy. Light touch is creepy if it's too light and not too heavy. If you've ever gotten a massage by somebody with a really deep touch, you're like, ow. And you're tensing up. You don't want that. You want something that's right in the middle. You want to sort of press down on the body, and the body pushes back to meet you. And that edge is the resilient edge of resistance. So it feels like a kind of holding as opposed to a gliding over the body. It feels like a kind of, ah, I've got you. I'm holding you, and I'm just stroking you at this edge. And then your partner can say, oh, that's lovely. A little more, a little less. But probably they'll just be going, yeah.

Just slow everything down. We go so fast. Heart of palm and go slow. So what do you think the benefits are of this? For couples that you've seen that have.

Learned together that there's more to sex than some formulaic foreplay. Sometimes couples, especially those who've been together for a while, have like, okay, I kiss here, I suck here, I stroke there, and then we're fucking.

Right?

And it gets really old.

So old. And that happens in every. Don't be surprised if this sounds familiar, because it happens in most relationships.

Almost everybody.

Everybody. Because it's the same thing over and over and over again. And this is expansive, this kind of work.

And maybe you'll have give a sensual massage and not touch genitals. Maybe that's the game tonight. And also in Urban Tantra, the book is erotic massage that includes the genitals and very specific touches on the genitals.

Oh, I love that.

All right, it's time again to hear from you. Let's get into your questions.

This is from Raya23 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm a big fan of the podcast. I previously Used to struggle a lot with staying focused during sex, and my mind would wander to all sorts of different places. I took your advice on meditation and breath control, and it really helped. However, something I still struggle with is overthinking about what I'm going to do next. I find myself wondering if she would like that. What's she going to be into? What's going to turn her on, how am I going to execute it? And then there's some time of me just working up the courage to do it. It all works to stress me out just enough that I can't focus on what's happening with my body. Do you have any advice on how to work through this? So what I'm hearing is with your partner, you want to be a really good lover to her.

And as a result of that, you're focusing a lot on being a perfect lover and what's going to turn her on, which is really great to be to care about those things. But then in the process, we're losing your own erotic energy. You're putting it all towards your partner and then it gets back to you and you're stressed out. So this is where I would start. I love, love that you have a meditation practice, and that's been helpful. Now meditation is all about being mindful. That's what meditation is. We think it's such a fancy, we.

Gotta meditate hours a day.

It's truly about what am I seeing in the moment, what am I feeling in the moment, what am I tasting in the moment? What's, you know, what am I smelling? Like, just think about the senses. That's a great way to think about mindfulness. When we do that, it immediately has this wonderful effect of instantly dropping us into the present moment. Then you're mindful. Challenge is we often think, I'm going to be mindful for the next five minutes. And then you get to the through the first 15 seconds and you forget that you're being mindful. It is something that over time, you can strengthen those muscles, which is why I love that you're doing meditation. But here's another thing I think that would really help you since you're so focused on your partner. What if you both started a practice together and started to develop the same skill set? Being mindful and being present to what's happening in the moment. Now the fun thing here is you can even do that during sex. And by sex, I don't mean just foreplay and the actual act of sex. You know, sex can mean so many things. It's how we get turned on, how we connect, and how we get aroused. You can start a tantric sex practice with your partner. First, create a sacred space. So turn your phones off. Set up your room so you feel good about it. You're sitting on the bed, your laundry's put away, and you don't have any distractions. And then I want you to start eye gazing, or soul gazing, as they call it with tantric practices. I mean, think about it. You could sit and look into your partner's eyes. And the thing that's so great about that is it could be it's really revealing yourself to your partner and they're revealing themselves to you. And while some of you might think that staring into someone's eyes is just terrifying, you'll find that after a few moments that it's something that you're really going to feel perhaps more connected to your partner than you ever have. It's sort of an incredible practice. And it's okay if you laugh or it's uncomfortable. Next thing I want you to do is when you, after you stare into each other's eyes, I want you to place both of your hands on your heart. And then you're going to take a deep breath in, maybe take two. Make this your own. And then with your leaving your left hand on your own heart, I want you both to take your right hand and put it on your partner's heart.

Okay?

Left hand's on your heart, and right hand is on your partner's heart. And then I want you to just start breathing. You can do a deep breath, belly breathing, or using your diaphragm. And that's just when you're sitting or lying down in a super comfortable place and you put your hands on your belly, you kind of relax your entire body. And then you want to breathe in really slowly through your nose.

And it's important to here, keep your mouth closed and breathe in through your nose.

Cool thing about this, as you start to do that, you're going to start to feel your lungs fill up with air and inflate. It's sort of like a balloon. And you're going to feel this on your belly. Your belly is going to start to inflate. Now, this is also a practice. This took me a while to learn because a lot of us, including myself, were shallow breathers. But there are so many benefits to learning to actually breathe through your diaphragm. I still practice this on a daily basis, so you don't want you to get tripped up on it. Any breath is going to serve you here. And the really cool thing about tantric practice is if you're staring into each other's eyes and your heart's connected and you both start breathing however you really want to breathe, you can try breathing with your belly. You'll find that your breath is going to start to synchronize. And when that happens, it is this incredible connection that you're going to feel with your partner. And you're not going to be able to be in your head. You won't be thinking, what do I do next? What's going to turn my partner on? Do I look silly? You're both going to have this divine, intimate connection. And I believe that this is the soul connection that so many people are craving. You know, sometimes we think, I want sex all the time, or, why is my partner doing, you know, going down on me more? And all these things are valid. Why is my partner initiating sex? But I think at the end of the day, we're not craving sex as much as we're creating as we're craving intimacy. And I think that tantric work, the tantric practices simply staring into each other's eyes and breathing. It's going to help you, Raya, get out of your head and into that deep, soulful connection that you want with your girlfriend. And I'm hoping, hoping that you're with a partner that's going to be aligned to this. It's going. To. Want to try it? Now, I know some of you, I might have already lost you with what? Diaphragm and staring through those eyes. I'm out. So if you don't want to do any of that, maybe you just say to your partner, you know what? Before we get going here, maybe it starts. Do you ever have this with a partner? It starts speeding up really quickly, and.

Before you know it, your pants are.

Off, and your partner's, like, kissing you so deeply, and their tongue's down your throat, and you're like, I didn't even know we were having sex yet. What I love doing in those moments is saying, you know what? Oh, babe. God, so turned on. This is hot. Let's just stop. Can we stop for a minute? Why don't we take a few deep breaths together? And then you can just say, okay, let's do this together. And then you could do an inhale of five, exhale of five, and just slow everything down. And when you slow everything down, your heart rate's gonna slow down. You're gonna find your thoughts melt away, and you're going to find it so much easier to stay connected with your partner. And when I hear a lot of you overthinking and you're worried and you disassociate during sex, just try some simple breathing or try all of those steps and let me know how it goes. Because remember, if you're in a relationship with somebody, I'm just going to assume that your partner also wants to connect and they want to be a great lover and they don't want you to be distracted worrying about their own pleasure. Because when you're both focused and together and feeling more connection, you're gonna have more pleasure, more connection, and who knows, maybe more orgasms. Although it's not all about the orgasm. You know that. Thank you for your question. I think that's going to help lots of people. This is from Matthew 24. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm so excited to be asking questions here. You're an amazing doctor and coach. I was wondering, how could I calm myself down during sex? I always honestly get so crazy nervous and stressed out. For example, I literally start shaking. Then I can't ejaculate at all. Is it a trust or a comfort issue? Maybe. Oh, and is it okay for guys to use toys? Will this help to calm my nerves and perhaps like normalized sex for me? Thanks so much. All right, Matthew, thank you for your question. And I'm going to tell you guys, I'm going to talk a lot about breath today, but we can instantly calm ourselves from any situation. Anxiety, worry, troubling thoughts, obsessive thoughts, ocd, so many things if we learn to just breathe, take deep breaths in the moment. So that's going to help you how you calm yourself down is practicing on your own even you can do some breath work on your own and start to practice deep breathing through your belly. I promise that is going to help you really in every area of your life. And I'm going to take a guess here that if you get really nervous and stressed out during sex.

That you might find yourself nervous and stressed out when you have to speak at work or when you have to ask somebody out or, you know, maybe when you go to a party, there's some social anxiety. So I really think that breath work is something that's going to benefit everybody who experiences anxiety also. Yeah, to answer your question, it could be a trust or comfort issue. Listen, there is no shame in wanting to be with a partner that you feel safe with, that you trust. There are so many studies that have shown that when we feel that we can trust our partner and we feel safe with a partner. We're way more likely to be able to let go and be in the moment and have our orgasms and have our pleasure than we are when we're worried. And can I trust this person and do they like my body and what do they want? So I think I would love to normalize that. Like, normalize that. If you don't trust someone and you don't feel comfortable with them, you're not going to be having the best sex of your life. Okay, so it's a great question, so I'm glad you asked that. And if you're asking about toys for men, absolutely. If you have a penis, there are so many toys for you, my friend. You can find my personal recommendations on my shop page@sexwithemily.com I love a penis ring. Penis rings are fabulous. If you wear it around your penis during penetration, a vibrating cock ring, as it's called, can feel incredible for you and your partner. If you're with a vulva owner, you know, the vibrations can feel great for her as well, and it can feel fun for you. And listen, vibrations are not just made for vulvas. They feel incredible on penises. Listen, you have so many nerve endings that just would love stimulation. And a vibrator can feel amazing. There's masturbation sleeves for penis owners. As long as we're normalizing things, let's normalized sex toys for penises.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

There'S one overlooked.

Mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger.

Muscles, and a healthier heart.

And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low.

On one of the most vital Minerals.

For Human Health Magnesium and here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver.

All of its benefits.

That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day.

And honestly, when you're less stressed and.

More energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but quality of Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which.

Absolutely supports a healthier sex life.

Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced.

Ability to absorb it as we age.

Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body body which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sexwithemily for 50 off and here's a bonus use the code sexwithemily for an additional 15 off your order. That's q-u a l I a life.com sexwithemily thanks for qualia for sponsoring this episode.