Teasing for Better Pleasing

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good, but, you.

Know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show and happy New Year. We're going to talk about the art of the tease. Like, why is teasing so hot when it comes to sex? I think a lot of us, it kind of builds anticipation and arousal, and we're like, oh, like, kind of delaying gratification, which in theory, I'm thinking about. It's like, that doesn't sound great in theory. In some ways, I'd be like, it's hard for me not to eat the frosting off the cake sometimes and then delaying satisfaction. And then I thought about talking about the teas that some people might think of, because I've heard some guys say, oh, I don't want to be teased. And then we thought, well, I think that first off, when we hear tease, we might think, tease isn't a tease isn't great. When we were younger, we're saying, like, don't tease your sister. Don't tease your friends. That's not, you know, like, don't be a tease sexually. Don't be teased. So I think that some. Maybe people don't really understand the psychological and the. What actually, like, the art of the tease. Why. Why is this something that can be so hot? I thought, well, let's. Let's discuss this, you guys. It' I feel like for many times, though, okay, here's what I. Here's the thing to explain the tease. The best way I can is, for example, why I love it is I've been with one of my best tease experiences, right? So I was with a guy, and he was. We were playing with my.

You know, like, my. My under the bed restraints, the sports sheets. And so, like, I'm restrained, and I've tried to fight a blindfold on. Probably. I think I had a blindfold on. And it was like, okay, you can't. And he said to me, so I can't move. I think I didn't have a blindfold on. This is gonna come important later. Okay, okay, pay attention. And he was like, I couldn't touch myself. I had both my legs in and my hands. And he was like, you can't Touch yourself. Like, I'm in charge of your pleasure. Like, I. You can't touch yourself. And then he was just sort of kissing me and touching my neck and, like, playing with me and, like, moving. It was like. At first it was kind of sensual. And then he started playing with my breasts, and he stayed there. My nipples and teasing. And he stayed there, right, for a while, like. And he was like. He's like, you know, then it gets into, like, you could have your own version here, but, like, I want, you know, beg for it. Like, I want you to be, like, how I'd be into this. Like, I want you to, you know, ask for it. I was like, I am so, like. So what happens is you get super turned on. Someone plays. You're like, wow. Like. And then you actually are more aroused, and I'm more like, please. I. And he's like, no, you can't orgasm yet. I can't touch you. I was like, I wanted him to touch me so badly, and he wouldn't. He's got played. And it felt amazing, though, because then he's, like, kissing my neck, and then he's teasing, right? Coming a little bit closer to me, like, kind of waving his hand over my, like, vulva and kind of tickling my thighs and, like, moving down my body, like, playing, but wouldn't quite touch me yet. No clitoris. Not going anywhere now, but, like, just teasing and kissing. And I've had other times where it's a little more, like, playful and rough. Like, there's, like, a little bit of spanking or there's. You can't come till I tell you to, you know, like, delay, and it's just hot. It's teasing. It's. Anticipate anticipation.

The other thing I thought about was when these things have happened to me, I don't often share all my details, my sexy details, but that in the times I've had, teasing is that it's. It's so hot because it's intimate, too, in a way. Like, it creates. Even if it's more rough because you feel more connected, because you're engaged in a. In a power exchange and in a play with your partner that you're not worried about if I can't orgasm or not. You're not worried about if you're hard or if, like, you look how your left boobs looks, like you're not. You're just, like, in a thing, in the moment, it's delayed, right? And so I just liked that they were.

That they were prolonging the process that.

They were staying on friggin nipples. This is all about conditioning. So I believe that our conditioning either through what we've seen on TV or culture when we were young, we had sex this way where we just move right through it fast. Like we just were conditioned to. There's nothing about sex that is slow. Like either it's because our parents were gonna walk in, you know, in high school, or like we're masturbating. Like I think sex is always feels fast. And we know how a lot of men ejaculate eventually is fast. So for many men, I think that or I've heard them say like, oh, I don't want to be teased. Or what if you don't come back? I remember Menace, who's co host on my show for many years. He's like, I don't want a girl to like tie me up and tease me. Like what if she steals my wallet, doesn't come back. I'm like, dude, that's who you date in there. But I think there's a certain, like again, allowing yourself to kind of rest into it, say this is going to be, this is going to feel something different into something new.

I like the idea of mixing up the way like even teasing lips, kissing, nibbling, nibbling on the lips. I feel like a little nibble. And the other thing about nibbling the lips, upper lip, bottom lip, bottom lip's hot tongue. And then you can nibble, suck the tongue, but you can also nibble, like have wet lips, like nibble all over. Your body's teasing still a thing? I hope not.

I mean, I don't like them really.

But I mean I don't.

Yeah, that's what I started thinking of when you're like the neck. And I was like, oh, is that like a hickey thing? I will say that I try not to give people hickeys, but like I'm super into like sucking and biting and things like that. So I try to just move it down the body, not on the neck so it's visible. But I try to do it on like maybe the shoulder. Cause I just really like it. And in the moment I don't hear any complaints. Only it's only afterwards. Only afterwards. They're like, you left a mark on me. I was like, why didn't you say something?

Right? Cause in the moment, when you're in.

The, you know what's happening. Like we all know what's happening.

Maybe they say ouch, you didn't hear?

Yeah, I just put on my noise canceling headphones they're like, can't hear you.

I'm in a zone.

I've loved sex wounds before. Take care.

Oh, yeah. If we want to take. We have Gary, 50 in Colorado.

I just like his question.

Yeah. Should a man go down on a woman before or after penetration?

We only have a minute, Gary, but I think it's a good question. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily.

My question is, do women prefer men to go down on them before penetration or after penetration?

You know, I can't speak for every woman on the planet, but what I can say is, first of all, they just appreciate that you go down on them. But what I think is the most efficient and fun for the whole family is fun for everyone is actually going down first. If you go down her, turn her on, she's, you know, you. She has her orgasm, she's warmed up, and then you penetrate her, and then perhaps she can have another one, you know, or she just warmed up. Because for many women, when you start with penetration, you have to have some kind of warmup, Gary. So if it's not oral, she still has to be aroused. So it's through your fingers or maybe through making out or teasing, playing with her nipples. So you got it. So before penetration, there had. I believe. I'm not going to speak for every woman, but for many women, they're going to want some warmup. Thanks, Gary. Thanks for calling like that question.

I like, anytime there's oral happening, I want it intermittently throughout the entire thing.

Yeah, that's another thing. The best thing is when it's like sex isn't linear. Yeah. We often think of, like. I often think, like, I want to get rid of the foreplay and the intercourse and then the after course, aftercare. Because the, the kind of sex that can be really exciting and different and novel is when it's oral, then you penetrate and then you go down each other after. Maybe you switch to 69 and then you go back to having sex. You can even stop and.

Have dinner, I don't know, in the room. Like, you could eat, nibble, and then go back.

I do.

Like, why rush the pound, pound, pound, pound orgasm. And then we can do everything. That's the ultimate tease is when you don't. Neither one of you climax and it's foreplay and it's fun and you've got time. Like, what is the goddamn fucking rush? Which sucks. Everyone's in a hurry to get their work and get it all done. And I think a slow sex movement makes a lot of sense. That if we Slow down, everyone relax. We'd have a lot better sex, a lot more pleasure, lot more orgasms. So think differently about the way you think about sex. If you're bored with your sex life, where it's been the same thing over and over and over again, just do one thing differently this week. You know, like, maybe if you've never used lube, you can use lube. Or if you always go really fast, go five times slower than you usually do. Or if you rush right to sex, maybe you can, like, nibble. You know, do some nibbling and some teasing and some. Some playing. Bring back the fun, the spark.

I feel like guys don't usually or not typically. I'm making a generalization here. Tease first. But when you do it to them, you're like, no, you can't come in yet. They fucking die.

They do love it. They do. You're right. It's for everyone. I'm like, yes, yes, do it. You guys. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back. We're. Get into your calls.

We have Crystal, 35, in Wisconsin, who wants to comment on doggy style.

Thank you, Crystal from Wisconsin. We need to hear from the Midwest. Tell me everything.

Okay, so here's my thing. My husband and I. That's a big position that we use because it works well, because you can get deeper, you can feel it better. But we got into the. It just kind of kept going on and going on that I kind of felt. I felt disattached, like I could have just right anyone right or anything, you know? So it got hard for me to. Where. Although I enjoy the position and the way that it feels, I kind of. I felt.

You missed the intimacy.

Yeah, it feels less intimate because you're like, is he just pounding? I could be. I could leave the room. He could be pounding into a glory hall.

Anything.

Anything. You know, men like to put their penises and things. I just thought about that. But, Crystal, I get it. I feel. And I feel. I feel like also, if it's the only. If it's the only position you're doing, like, they're like, let's do go to doggy. And you were married for a while. You're like, yeah, come on. You know, I'm not. I'm not feeling. Yeah, look at my face.

Married nine years, 11 total. You get into that the same thing. But we have an issue where he. It's kind of hard for him to keep an erection. So then that position works best for him.

Yep.

But, yeah, it's difficult for me, that.

Is the position that works best. And I want to hear from you guys, like, what is your take on doggy style pro con? Does it work for you? Why do you love it? Triple eight, 94 stars. But Crystal, the thing is I feel like so I get it. And a lot of times for men, that is their go to. They're like, I'll do everything else, but I get they got to end in doggy. So, Crystal, what. Do what you need. Like, you said that it doesn't work for you. I hope you're getting your needs before he flips you over.

We're working on it.

Good.

We're working on it. You know, it's been, like I said, we've been together for quite a while and it's always almost been an issue.

Okay.

So we've tried different things and we, you know, so it just. I told him eventually, it just like, because of the disconnected feeling, I said, he just now gives me more connection beforehand. He runs his hands across my body, so I know that, you know, he's thinking of me and we're in this together.

Right? Okay, good. I'm glad you asked for that. Are you having orgasm? An orgasm?

Yes.

At least if it doesn't happen that way. He's always nice enough to make sure I finish at the end.

Yes, of course. I hope so. Or you could come first. That's awesome. Thank you, Crystal. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for reporting. Yes. Dude. That's okay, Crystal. I didn't want to go off on it, but I will. You guys, she comes first. I'm only saying it because it's easier. I mean, put the time in first because it's like you're. Most men are going to ejaculate like you will. It's going to happen. You're going to have your orgasm. I know there's challenges, but the majority for women, it typically doesn't happen through your penis. Only 20% of women are going to orgasm through intercourse. So she comes first. Just means it won't happen the other way. So if we're all gonna orgasm and leave together, happy, it's 50. 50. Just do that first and then do your orgasm. That's all I'm saying. And it would be nice. Crystal, talk to your partner. Tell him. That would be. That's. You'd prefer that?

Yeah. Cause I was gonna say, I was like, he's nice enough too.

I heard that language. I almost. I almost. She wasn't calling for advice. She was calling to report. But yeah, he's nice enough too. That's part of his job as your husband and your sexual partner. Part of all of our jobs in relationships. Sure. That we're pleased sexually, that we are our best sexual advocates, but also that we're bringing pleasure to our partners. It's part of the whole game. We're all in this together.

We have Lily, who's 22, Minnesota. She wants to know how to keep the passion alive in a long term relationship.

Hey, Lily, thanks for calling. How can I help you?

Hi, Emily. Yeah, hi.

What's up, Lily?

So, yeah, my question was just basically, how can you keep long lasting desire going in a long term relationship?

Such a good question, Lily. Know that, that it's. It takes some work, you know, you got to prioritize it. And the first thing you got to do is you got to talk about it with your partner and just say, let's just. God, what would great sex look like for both of us? And talk about your needs and what you want in the bedroom. Have you, have you done that? Are you in a long term relationship now? Assuming so.

It's.

We are. Well, it's been two years only.

No, but that's long. That's long, Lily. Lily, that's long. No, listen to me. There's something called the honeymoon phase. Yes. Listen. Six months to two years tops at about two year between that period. For most couples, this first six months is like, everything's amazing, right? And then it still is amazing for about six months to two years. And then you're like, wow. It's not like it was at the beginning. At the beginning, we just wanted to rip each other's clothes off and have sex all the time. And it was new and hot. And then we get a little bored and then we're like, what do I do now? Does it mean I should leave them? Oh, that guy next door looks really hot. You know, so that's what happens, Ellie. You're totally where you should be. And so how to keep it interesting and how to keep it spicy? Because what happens is we just get bored because we miss the novelty from the beginning. Remember at the beginning you didn't know he was gonna touch you that way and kiss you. And so. So now you gotta talk to him about it. Have you tried to talk to him about. Have you guys ever talked about sexual.

Yes, we have.

Okay, how'd that go?

I mean, she's like the one who's more open minded, but like, even though we've talked about it, there doesn't seem to be any changes when we actually have sex.

Okay, well, what do you want? How did that go? So what change? What change would you like to see in your sex world?

I guess, like, kind of more.

Like different things. Such as? Like, I don't know, tying, like, my hands up or.

Like. Yeah, other things than just, like, the regular. Oh, doggy style.

Yeah.

Or, like.

Right.

I mean, I like doggy style, but, like, I guess I just want a little bit different.

Yeah. Or maybe more kissing again. Or foreplay. Okay, so, Lily, so. So foreplay is, like. That's what you're talking about. You're talking about trying something kinky and new. So here's the thing. Even if you said to him, lily, I want you to tie me up when it's not happening, do you know why it's not happening? Because he doesn't know how, and he doesn't really know what you mean by it, and he's probably never tied anyone up before. So what would be fun is if when you guys, like, aren't in the bedroom, you could say, well, let's watch this. You know, I don't know how you guys learn, but we've got some great blogs on our site. You go to sex on me.com, you can do. What do they call Jamie the Beginner? Bondage Beginner bdsm. Beginner BDSM at Sex with Emily dot com. Or you could find a scene in porn that you feel like together. Like, this would kind of be what I'm talking about here. That would be hot for me. And then you just kind of, you know, play it out. You can use a necktie. You can buy some bondage tape. We have some. We have a bunch of stuff on our website. We talk about this a lot. So, Lily, I think kind of narrowing in on what you think is hot. Like, because sometimes he just doesn't get it right.

So maybe for you, too, you're like, I don't really know. I just saw it once and it looked hot. So maybe you guys explore together. You read about it, you look at it, you listen to a bunch. I've done a lot of podcasts about it called Sex with Emily. Same name. And just also make sure you're having your pleasure. You said that he's more open. I'm wondering if you. How open you are. Like, are you having pleasure? Are you having orgasms?

I only have orgasms if, like, I use, like, the vibrator or my own hands. But, like, when I use my own hands, like, I'm wearing my underwear. So there's, like, that kind of Barrier.

Yeah. Taught.

And I think my body's more used to that because when I've tried to orgasm with just, like, my bare clit, I. I don't know how to. Like, it just doesn't happen. I don't know how to do it.

No, of course. No, Lily. So that's exactly where you should be. And you're 22, so this is such a good time. Well, this. This happens in all ages, but especially at 22. Lily, we typically have our way. Like, you learned as a, you know, a teenager the first time you masturbated, and we do it the same way. Oh. Until we learn a new way. And there's kind of a transition period from sex with ourselves and sex with another person. And so that's also why a lot of women have a harder time when orgasming with their partner, because they don't really know how to explain it. And I think it's not going to work. So really, just like, retraining your mind to kind of open up with your. With him and, like, show him what feels good to you, maybe with his mouth. Use some lubricant. Lubricant's really helpful for women. Just a few drops on your clitoris can. Can help them. Can help you, you know, kind of have more orgasms. Also, have you tried having sex with your underwear on? Like, just moving it to the side?

Oh, yes, I have. Yeah.

And that didn't work either. So I think that, first off, it's nothing. Like, you could teach him how to use his fingers on you. You could use the vibrator with him when you're having sex. Like a lot of women. Most women don't come through a penis. They come through touch, through a mouth, through kissing, or through a toy.

Like kissing fingers. Yeah. Kissing mouth in all different forms. But the penis isn't where all the magic happens just for 20% of they orgasm that way. So. So have some conversations, do some research, listen to the show, listen to the podcast. We have a lot of them wherever you find them, and. And you guys will figure it out, but just keep talking to them about it. You're not doing anything wrong. You're on the learning process, and you can kind of learn new ways to pleasure. Okay. Thanks, Lily.

Okay.

Okay. You got. Keep me posted.

Yeah, you guys, it's a process. We all have to learn it. Like, we are not. However you're having pleasure now or having your orgasm. That's amazing. I'm so glad you can orgasm. And you could keep orgasming like that forever, but the cool Thing is, we just have to. There's so many other ways to kind of touch yourself and to learn to explore that. You could have a lot of different kinds of orgasms, but a lot of us just don't experiment and take the time to, like, masturbate or be with our partner without the goal of orgasm. Like, let's just explore and let's have fun together and figure out what feels good, and that's when it can happen. But we're so in our heads, it's only going to happen this particular way. I have to be doing this thing with my tongue, you know, with my hand and the thing. But you can kind of move out of that by retraining yourself.

Okay, we have Robert, 50, in Illinois. He wants to know if he should tell his fiance that he used to be in a relationship with a man.

Hey, Robert, thanks for calling.

Hi, Moy, how are you?

Hey. I'm good. Okay, so tell me about your history. So were you just with him for a little bit or what's going on?

Yeah, so like I said, I'm 50 years old, newly engaged. We're planning to get married in Thanksgiving Day, so a couple months from now. And my question for you is, how do I, or do I tell my fiance that about 20 years ago, for about a year, I was in a relationship with a man? Well, I lived in a state.

Yeah, so what? So is there a part of you now that still wants to be in a relationship with a man, or do you still ever fantasize about it?

I don't fantasize about it. I think one day I just woke up and I realized that it wasn't the life that I wanted. And I started exclusively dating women. And I've never looked back.

Really? You've never looked back?

Okay, so I've never looked back.

Okay.

I think. And you want to tell her because this is a big. This was a part of your life. I mean, I think that you just. I think it could be a great way to open up a conversation just about your sex life and what. Maybe what you learned from it and that you were with a man and what you learned. And then how you actually realize that you love sex with women and you want to have a really healthy sex life with her, and so that's why you're sharing that. And maybe you could ask her to share some things with you about her sexual history. Have you guys had any of those talks about, like. I mean, I think it's even interesting. We're finding out when our partner first orgasmed or whether, you know, did they masturbate? How, what turns her on? What gives her the most pleasure? You know, what's your sexual future gonna look like? So to kind of not make it like it's a confessional, but more like something you're like. I want to tell you this because I think you should know. And I realized then that it was important to me to have a healthy sex life. And I want to tell you this because I want us to have that. Unless you guys have already covered all this.

Well, no, we have covered it. We've got a very healthy sex life. And. But we've never. I've never discussed that because I just did not want her to think that at some point I would no longer be committed to her.

Okay, so. And your reason for telling her is because you want her to just know everything about you?

No, I don't really think I want to tell her. I think that it might come out. And if I didn't, and if I didn't, if it came out, if somehow something from my past surfaced right then, I think that would be a real betrayal.

Yeah, I understand this. I understand this. So I think if you feel like you have to tell her that. I think you should tell her. But what I'm saying it. I would have a conversation about, you know, you said to me, you're afraid that she would worry that you're gonna leave her for a man. So I would, I would think that. I mean, if someone just told me that, I'd be like, okay, so that's why I just asked you, Robert, I said, do you still fantasize about it? Is it still something you think about? That was my first question too as well. So I think that, I mean, in telling her, you could say, I just want you to know this, but I've always, you know, and since then I've been only wanting to be with women. I think you're just gonna have to, you know, let her know that, that you're telling her because you feel like things will come out, but you're, you're. Maybe you're even proud of it. It was a time in your life where you learned a lot about yourself. So, you know what I mean? But I think that, you know.

That'S a very.

That's a very open minded and a healthy and productive way to think about it.

Yeah, absolutely.

I tell you, a lot of people would say it's black and white and you can't be attracted to both men and women and you can't have one phase of your life bleed over into another. And I think that's a very healthy way to look at it.

Yeah, I try. You know, that's. That's how I look at sex. I am not judging you. I'm. I'm very sex positive. I'm listening to what you're saying. I'm asking questions. I mean, you could let her know that. Yeah, I think that is a healthy way to do it and that you were experimenting when you were younger and that this is where you're at right now. So. And yeah, yeah, I think that. And then just kind of open up the dialogue and I think it will open up a lot for you guys. And I think, yeah, I'm glad that works for you. Let me how it goes. Okay, Robert, where you every night and congratulations on the engagement. You know, I know what he's saying, though. And you guys can call me with anything. Triple 8, 9478277. There are many schools of thought that like, well, once you know he's gay, that he's gay, or he's bisexual, and then some people think bisexuality doesn't even exist. I'm here to say there are no sex police. There is no, like, rules around this stuff. There aren't. Everyone gets to decide right now. But I feel like if he's truly not, you know, attracted to men. And the other thing I would say is, like, I want to, you know, if he was like my patient, I was seeing him, I'd say, like, are there other sexual fantasies that he has? Is he. Has he just, like, repressed it? Are there? You know, but it sounds like he's pretty clear on that, that he only hasn't been with a man in 30 years. So I would say that we could definitely change. I've experimented with women. I haven't lately. I'm not near probably, I don't know, eight years. I don't really think about it. I think about men more than women. But I could go back. I mean, the same. The same thing is for men. I mean. And I believe that we're all, like Kinsey said, we are all sort of on the sexual spectrum.

Yeah.

And you can go, you could be a 2, you could be a 3. You go back to being a 2, you could be a 5. And I think that's, you know, that's what. That's sexual health. That's life. Understand it. You guys.

We love when you subscribe and you review the show, wherever you listen. I think it really helps everywhere on every platform. So you can actually do that right now, if you're on your phone listening, just just subscribe. Give us five stars. We like it. Especially in itunes. It helps. Going back to some More reviews from 10 years ago maybe, you know we're still learning. So hey, we love it. It helps us. And you guys have really been doing that. So thank you and also sign up for our newsletter. It is great. We give great newsletter. So I've been told. I feel good about it. All right guys, Happy New Year. I'm so excited to go into the 15th year of this podcast with all of you in 2020. Thanks for subscribing, listening. Thanks for just being you. And here's to an incredible new year. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken, Kristin, Elisa, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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