Terrified of Dating After Divorce (How To Bounce Back)

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Emily your hope, your love, your relaxation is contagious. And so that's already something you can do. That's a. And I say that because there's a sense of empowerment. You changed your body just now. You did that. You have a way of also giving some sense of peace to the environment, to the ecosystem that you're both in. And that's power.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. I'm bringing back something special today. Live caller questions. And I'm joined by holistic psychologist, author and dear friend Dr. Scott Lyons to help me answer them. We're talking with callers who are navigating real challenges. One woman wants to explore more sexually, but her partner grew up in a conservative environment and shuts down the conversation. Another is terrified to start dating again because she thinks the sex will be terrible. This episode is about working through the blocks that keep us stuck. Whether that's shame, fear, or pressure we put on ourselves. It's about finding your power, staying present in your body and Remembering that you're always in charge of your own pleasure. If you've ever felt stuck or scared when it comes to sex and dating, stay right here and let's get into it.

Oh, I'm so excited to welcome My return guest, Dr. Scott Lyons. Hi.

Hi. Thank you for having me again. This is the room where I first fell in love with you.

Oh, it was mutual. We fell in love. Such a great time in the last episode. Why don't you come back today so we could actually get into it with some callers?

I'm so excited to do that. I'm so excited to collaborate with you and supporting people.

This would be great. So just as a review, I know you're a holistic psychologist. Could you just break that down for what that actually is?

Yeah. So as opposed to looking at what the issue is with people, we really look at more the whole concept of who they are, how they are, where they come from, other contributions like nutrition, medical, like, social, cultural pieces. So it's really looking at all these components to what supports them as opposed to focusing on what's wrong and how to fix that.

This is Freya, 32, in Pittsburgh. Hey, Freya, how you doing? This is Dr. Emily. Dr. Scott Lyons. We're so happy to talk to you. Tell us what's going on.

Hi. Yeah, I have been with my husband for 10 years, and over the past year, I've been interested in trying different kinks in bed. I have brought it up to my husband multiple times, but he just isn't interested in those types of things. I can't really blame him. I mean, he doesn't want to explore. It's not something that turns him on. But now I feel stuck because I can't explore the things that I want to. So, yeah, I love my husband. He's my best friend. We have an amazing son together. But I just. I'm not sure how to navigate the situation.

Okay, so what you're saying is you've been together a while, you want to try something kinkier, you said. Right. And so when you try these things or you talk to him, what happens? He just says no. He's like, I don't really want to explore our sex life. He just lets us keep going the same way. Okay.

He says he's not interested. Can I give you an example?

Please, please.

One of the things like that I feel it's kind of tame, is I want to, like, deep throat him while I give him a job, but he's just. He's not interested in that because like the gagging and the sitting and that kind of stuff. It's just not something that excites him so.

And again, I can't, I don't fault him for that, but at the same time I'm not sure.

Got it. Well, have you guys had any conversations about what your turn ons are and what might be fun to play with? Because I get maybe he isn't into that, but have you guys had any talks about that? Exploring together?

Yeah, I mean he, I know what his are and I have told him what my turn ons are and there are some things that we do that I, you know, we both are agreeing to or we both are aligned on. It's just like there's no. He doesn't want to explore it at all. He doesn't even want to try it.

Okay, what does exploration mean to him?

Exploration?

Yeah. Sexual exploration mean to him?

Probably nothing. He probably doesn't think anything about it.

Yeah, like what if you're describing like hey, want to be more exploratory with sex and these things, like what does that mean to him? Does. Because sometimes for individuals that might mean that something is wrong with what they're doing, they might interpret it. And so what we kind of want to get a hold of is like what's his interpretation of your ask?

He grew up kind of like in a more conservative kind of environment. He didn't really talk about sex and I, I come from like the exact opposite. So it's always been like that with us. I'm very vocal as far as like my sexual needs and wants and he is very much uncomfortable discussing it. You're asking like what is his sexual exploitation? You know, I don't know.

He probably okay, he probably. So he grew up. So this is a really, really, really common. Where there's one person who grew up in a more oppressive environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex. And that's in his body, that's in his beliefs that if you bring up sex you want to try something kinky, it's against his. Even if this isn't conscious for him. But it's probably not. It's his, you know, belief that if you try something it's. He's got a judgment around it or he was told it wasn't O. Right. And so now we find. Which is, you know, happens with a lot of couples, they grew up in different environments and you know that now here you are, right, you're in your 30s, right. Early 30s, and you're like, okay, but we're no longer living under that roof or wherever, you know, that those beliefs, but yet we still hold them. We still hold on to that. And so I think it would be great for you guys to have some conversations about this together, like outside the bedroom about, you know, you know, sharing with him, why, why it would be important to you and what it would feel like, what you mean by exploration and let him know what you think it could add to the relationship and your connection and your sex life from, like, a feeling place. Because, yeah, he might hear exploration and be like, okay, she wants to deep throat me. She wants swing for the rafters. Like, what are the neighbors gonna think? You know?

Or what am I doing wrong?

What am I doing wrong too? Yes. He might be thinking, isn't this good enough? What's wrong with the old in and out? Yeah, because again, we don't have a lot of education around sex. Some people don't talk. And so I think, you know, I know it's not going to be as quick as getting into the bedroom tonight, but, you know, you guys have been together a while, and this could be a new thing that you guys are exploring together. And we might have to roll back to the basics of, you know, what could great sex look like for you? What would be exciting for you, what, you know, I love our. And starting with a good old compliment sandwich of this is what I love about our connection. I love about our relationship. I love all the things we've done together. You, you know, you could cite something sexually that you do like, and then you could get into the. And what I've been learning lately is that couples who start to explore their sex life and talk about their sex life have really wonderful connections. It expands it. You know, couples who talk about sex have better sex. They last longer, they have more pleasure in their relationship. You know, you could let them know something you've been learning and you thought it would be important for you guys to start to talk about your sex life, learn to explore, see what's on the table. And then maybe when he starts revealing things like, I don't want to do it, or why are you bringing this up? You just kind of have to be calm and curious and open and just say, you know, it's. I just really want us to feel more together. You could ask him questions too, like, wonder where that's coming from? Or where are you learning that from? You know, just strange to me that.

Like, he doesn't want to explore anything when he does like that to me, but he won't like Let me deep throat or anything like that.

I just.

I. It doesn't.

I don't know.

And I. I guess is there. And I guess I do try to talk to him outside of the bedroom. But you say, like, it should be, like, not when we're, like, about to have sex. Right. It should be like, yeah. Or like, another time.

Yeah, another time. Yeah.

Yeah. Or you might even say, like, hey, I noticed there's some strong energy about, like, there's kind of a big no here. Can you tell me what. What you're feeling? That's part of that no. Like, are you upset? Do you feel less than. Do you feel nervous? Do. Shame.

A lot of it. Shame.

Yeah, a lot of it. Shame.

So often I love saying, like, yeah, it's such a strong reaction. Like a strong no. It might be the first time he's really thought about it.

Yeah.

Why is it a strong. It's a good. Why am I being a strong no with my wife? You know, this partner I've been with for a long time to get. Ten years, you said. Yeah.

Yeah.

And you have a son. We have a kid. Like, let's figure out how we can grow. Get underneath the hood there.

Yeah. If there is some defensive energy, like, the compliment sandwich is a great way to start being like, baby, I. I love when you do this and this. And even holding your hand feels so good. And I'm wondering how we can add to this, you know, toolbox of pleasure that we have in our life together. It's really coming from a place of yes and.

And a we, too. And the we. Why it's good for both of you.

Yeah.

I think sometimes we explain that it's not just about me getting off more or me doing this thing to you. It's a we and what it looks like. Couples who communicate about it, then their sex life isn't the issue, and it actually becomes a place of strength and nourishment and connection, and it helps every other area of our life when we feel truly connected and nourished by our sex lives with our partners.

I'm Jesse. I'm 26. I'm from Canada. My pronouns are he, him. My question for you is a little bit of a loaded one, but I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can.

Okay.

My sex life with my girlfriend has been struggling, I'd say, for the last year or so. And I think I know why, but I don't know necessarily what to do about it.

Okay.

A lot of those factors are both mine and her own. Mental health. Both of us have been playing around with like antidepressants and stuff both, and that's kind of affected both of our libidos. And then the other thing is also her birth control situation that she's been playing around with quite a bit.

She just recently finished like a five week long period. And I'm trying my best to be sympathetic towards it and understanding, but I also don't know the best way to kind of get my needs dealt with when she say has a five week long period while also being sensitive to the fact that she is dealing with that. You know, it's like I, I do get that that's like a problem and I don't want to come off as like needy or prying or, you know.

So just kind of wondering how to approach that. And the times we do have sex recently, I'm not sure if it's her medications or anything. A lot of the time I'll make her orgasm. And then after that she says that she gets really oversensitive and overstimulated down there afterwards. And then that kind of ends things. Cuts things short too. So I'm just wondering a little more about how to deal with that and how to handle, I guess, being sexually frustrated in a healthy way.

Oh, Jesse, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate it. I'm here with Dr. Scott Lyons. You got two of us here today. Hey, Jesse, helping you first. Thank you so much for your thoughtful question. And you sound like you're really thoughtful and available to her. And I just love the consciousness you have around this challenge. And it's hard, you know, it's hard to see your partner suffering and you want to be there, but yet, you know, you got needs too. It's tricky. It really is. So first, medication is real, right? Scott, how often do we see that people are on antidepressants and then birth control pill and it can be hard to sort of understand the impact on the libido. Right?

Yeah, it's a, it's a real thing to have to navigate the biochemistry here and I really appreciate you recognizing that as a contribution to what's happening.

That's part of it and that's something that we have to learn. Sometimes people are on medications and they, the side effects can kind of dissipate after a while, but then sometimes they don't. So that's why it's just important just to cover the medical stuff to talk to a doctor and see what else they can do. Also, talking about her periods, like hopefully she's seeing Somebody. Does she have a good gynecologist or a doctor that can help her? Because that shouldn't be happening. Is she also your age, 26 years old, or.

Yeah, 27.

Yeah.

She. It's a bit of an ongoing thing that she's just recently started seeing a doctor for, but.

Okay.

Fingers crossed that she's going to get that kind of figured out.

Yeah.

Yeah. And that's kind of the thing is I recognize that it's something that's kind of beyond anyone's control until it kind of. Medications get figured out. Things like that get sorted out.

Okay, sounds like you guys are. Have a handle on that, which is good, because it could take a beat, Right. To find the right doctors who know enough about women's health. I mean, that's what we're seeing these days, that there's a lot of gynecologists who. All the current information that is available right now that what we know about women's health. So if she's not finding a solution, she could always hopefully find another doctor. So that's the medical stuff. So let's also talk about, you know, getting your needs met sexually. While she might not be open for penetrative sex right now, I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation, of couples lying side by side and getting their needs met, taking care of themselves while also feeling connected. So that could be one way to do it. If she's not open to penetration, which she probably isn't right now. Is that something you guys could do? Play around in that way?

I've thrown the idea around a few times, and we have enjoyed it when we've done it. I can definitely try and push more in that direction a little more.

And then there's also the hurt, meeting your needs. So it sounds to me like you probably wouldn't kick her out of the bed for wanting to give you a blowjob or something either. Right.

And like, with that, she says she just doesn't feel very confident with giving blowjobs and she doesn't feel like she'll do a good job. And so I think she kind of wigs herself out with that a little bit, too.

So that hasn't really happened in your relationship up until now. There haven't been many ways of her.

A little bit on it. Like, it's been happening a little bit more since we started listening to your podcast, actually.

Okay.

Which has been helpful.

Love that It's a practice. Everything's a goddamn practice. Right, Scott? I mean, really. Right.

It's all we're saying easing into it.

Yeah.

Okay. Just. Just.

I want to do a. A hope check in, like a hope barometer. Where. Where are you each in the hope that things can change in a positive way?

I think we're quite hopeful. I feel like I recognize the issue, and like I said, I just don't know necessarily what steps I should take to correct it.

And I love her a lot, and I know she loves me a lot too, so I'd say I'm pretty hopeful that we can work it out. I just don't know exactly what steps to take to do so.

Yeah. So one of the things I would even say is, can you tap into that, hopefully. So sometimes when we feel lost, especially around sex, especially around, you know, when we're navigating things beyond just communication and relational matters, when we're dealing with real medical stuff, too, that when we feel lost, can we tap into that sensation, that experience of hope and love as you described, for each. That you have for each other?

Yeah, I feel like I could do that.

Cool. Let's just kind of role play that a little bit. Like when you. When you tap into that now, that sense of hope or love, what do you notice?

I notice I feel less stressed and a little less anxious, actually.

Great. Let's follow that through. So when you feel less stressed and less anxious, what else happens? What's your thought process? Like, what's the sense of your breath in your body? So kind of connecting more to what's happening in your body as well.

My body posture relaxes. My breathing also kind of slows down just from. Yeah, just from thinking those kind of, like, more loving thoughts rather than thinking about being sexually frustrated.

Great.

Tapping into that.

Great. And let's add.

Yeah. It's just an instant change right there.

An instant change. I love that. I love that. And then imagine she was in the room with us or with you. As you feel that sense of relaxation or that sense of hope and love, what do you notice when she's imagined in the room?

I feel like she probably would also be more relaxed.

Yes. Yeah. Your hope, your love, your relaxation is contagious. And so that's already something you can do. That's a. And I say that because there's a sense of empowerment. You changed your body just now. You did that. You have a way of also giving some sense of peace to the environment, to the ecosystem that you're both in. And that's power.

It's just about mindset.

Yeah.

Mindset and awareness.

Yeah.

Of your body and able to change the tone of the conversation. So I love that. So you could be sexually frustrated. That's also true. But what could also be true is that there's hope.

Yeah.

And that there's deep love.

Yeah.

Which we know she has for you too. Right. She wants to be connected sexually as well, but with everything going on, you know, she probably has. Is in another place in her mind. But if you could come together, how could they come together, Scott? How could he bring her into this?

Yeah. I would even invite her next time you see her. Maybe it's 10 minutes from now, an hour, a couple hours. It's like, hey, I learned this practice today where I tune into the sense of hope and love in my body and I feel more relaxed. Can I hold your hand when we do that and see what happens with us? And then tune into, like. Do you feel more connected? Often when we're, you know, less stressed, like, the drawbridge between us, the bridge goes down and we can start to feel more of that sense of bidirectional connection, that sense of something between us, whether it's energetic or whether it's just a feeling. And tune into that. Because sometimes when we're in a kind of, I don't know, a lull in our sex life, we think, oh, gosh, the connections kind of. There's such a big gap in the connection. But then there's so many other. Yeah, there's so many other ways we can connect to connection beyond just sex.

You can generate the connection together through intention, through contact.

Skin contact, through. Yeah. Meditation together. Absolutely. Through shared states like that. Shared relaxation.

Yeah. And that makes sense. Like, even just how you mentioned.

How when I pictured her being there, she seemed more relaxed because I'm more relaxed. I would imagine that also would be true if I'm frustrated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Just plays off, like. I guess that's just how entity works, really.

Exactly. When you relax, people relax around you. Right. If you come in with this, like, I'm frustrated, or you come in, like, more accepting and present and aware.

Yeah.

She'll feel that too.

Yeah. And I think in that, like, settled place, we have more opportunity for to. To enact our curiosities. So, like, ooh, you know, we're talking about oral sex, for example. It's like, can we try it out and I can give you feedback? I mean, how is your guys communication around, like, moment to moment happenings around intimacy and sexual.

I think it can be good. And then other days it's not. Like it's kind of. Yet it kind of depends on the day. But.

Yeah, maybe it has just been a little bit of. I haven't been as mindful about my approach to it. So sometimes we've been having those conversations, more of that anxious state and that relaxed one, now that I think about it, in hindsight. But I'd say when, yeah, we're having, like, a calm, open, relaxed conversation about it, then our communication is quite good. But if it comes from a place of more anxiety or anything, then that communication isn't necessarily there or as good.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. So how does this feel to maybe approach her again, but from a different place?

Feels hopeful, actually. Yeah. Just to think about it that way. And then when she comes home from work tonight, kind of just approach it from, again, that hopeful place. Because I am hopeful in the long term that things will all get figured out with, like, medications and all that. And I think just approaching it from the mindset of. Yeah, just hopeful. That hopefulness rather than frustration. I think that'll get us through that. That kind of lull in our sex life. Because, like, we've been together for a few years now, and it has been good before.

Okay, that's good.

I am hopeful it'll come back to that.

Yeah. And, Jesse, I mean, like, the thing about sex lives is, you know, the moment you're in your 30s, it's going to be different, and then you're going to hit another milestone of your sexual evolution. And so we can look at this as part of your sexual evolution. We can call it a lull, but we can also reframe it as, like, this opportunity to deepen in different pathways with each other as part of the continual evolution or this continual timeline of our process, our connection, our relationship, rather.

Than, like, catastrophizing, it's over. What does it mean? But to say, oh, what an opportunity for growth here, because we're always learning and our sex life's always changing and our desires and what we want. So how. What a great opportunity to start now and see where you guys are both at and check in and just. It's a new chapter.

Yeah.

Start today.

Yeah. Sometimes conflict brings more opportunity. Mm. And this. This. There's a lot of opportunities here.

Yeah. Okay. Jesse.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Good. Thank you so much for your call. We so appreciate you, and we're here for you, so I think you got this. Let us know how it goes. Okay?

Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you very much.

Thank you, Jesse. Have a great day. We appreciate you. I felt hope. Now I feel better after that. Right. I feel like he's got some good information here. Yeah, right.

It's. It's magic. Like when we can feel like, oh, we have some power again. If I can shift my state, what else can I shift? What else can I work through?

Yeah. It's such a great practice. I mean, you can think about using that in, in our lives. Right. Because a lot of us are the. We default towards what's wrong.

Yeah.

The negativity bias.

Yeah.

The agitated state is a lot easier to access than the hopeful calm state. But just in those few moments, you know, I love the way you were able to reframe that. What a great practice. Thanks, Scott.

Thank you.

Thanks, Dr. Lines. Dr. Scott, what do you like?

You know, the moment he started talking, I felt this twinge of sadness in my heart. And we didn't really go into it, but I. But by the end when he said he felt hopeful, I actually felt a shift where I felt like, ooh, I did too.

Yeah, no, I felt a shift for sure. Where, you know, if we felt it, I can only imagine what his girlfriend's gonna feel when she gets home tonight.

Yeah. I really look forward to hearing how that manifests.

I love when people get back to us and let us know how these things go. Cause then we could do follow ups. Yeah, right. How great to go on a journey with Jesse and his girlfriend.

Yeah.

Stick around because after the break, Dr. Scott Lyons and I will be right back after talking to more of my listeners. I love hearing from all of you.

My name is Jenna, I live in Colorado and I go by see her and I'm 31 years old.

Hey, Jenna, thanks so much for calling. You're on with Emily and Dr. Scott Lyons.

Hello, how are you?

Good.

I love your guys's show and thank you for taking my call. I just need some advice.

Yeah, we got.

So after a sexless marriage, I found someone I connected passionately with during sex. Like really good sex, mind blowing sex. Your whole yes, no, maybe list. We probably did it all or we're going to do it all.

That's amazing.

So he made me feel really safe and comfortable and I could just be my best self around him.

So I really believe that sex is really important in a relationship. But I decided, you know, we connected really well during in the bedroom, but not really outside of the bedroom. So I broke up with him. And I still practice solo sex regularly. But I'm having this mental block within myself that I want to start talking to other people again. But I'm just, I guess, nervous to put myself out There again.

And I just don't like to sleep around and I don't want to go back to like the God awful jackhammer sex. It just turns me off and it does not make me want to even pursue another relationship.

So. Okay.

I was just hoping you guys could give me some advice. I'm fine with being alone, but I just miss the connection that sex has to offer.

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I got you. Well, I'm glad you were able to, after your sexless marriage, rebound and find and know that there is great sex to be had and you can feel really connected to someone and, and let go and it's possible for you. So that's actually really great and I'm really thrilled that you've had that experience. So now where you're at is you're thinking, okay, gotta start again. It is kind of dating can be a drudger. Like, okay, gotta boot up, gonna go on a date now I gotta talk about my childhood and my, my, my brother's name, my parents, like, it just gets exhausting and then you don't know. Like, are they gonna pound at me like a jackhammer? Like, is it worth it? Or try to stay home and watch tv? So like, I get where you're at. I can feel that it takes a lot. So I think what would be great is if we can set you up to start dating again. Meeting people in a ways where you can show up and feel like it doesn't have to be a drag.

Yeah.

And like you're really just going out to see is there a connection with somebody? You know, maybe we could even get you to a place where you could figure out before you get into the bedroom, is this someone that could be an open, great lover for you and I are ways to tell we aren't often thinking that way. Or yes. You know, if you listen to the show, we don't often talk about sex. So tell me. You can start with how you are, how you are meeting people, or right now, are you just not looking? Are you sort of like, well, I.

Actually am going on a date tonight.

Let's practice. Yeah.

So I mean, I'm very nervous and everything, but yeah, I am. I. It's been about six months since me and my ex broke up, so I'm just ready to put myself out there. But I've just been really struggling to get the. You know, I'm really great at communication and I'm not afraid to say no and everything. And I feel like I communicate well with people that I feel comfortable with. It's just. I don't know, I just have this expectation that, of course the date's going to lead to the bedroom, and that's just where I'm just having this mental block of. It's just stressful. I don't know if I want to do it.

Well, I have a question. So do you say that that's typically your dates do lead to the bedroom that way you would want, or is there pressure? Have you. How. Have you. Have you guys been texting ahead of time? Like, because it could also just lead to a great conversation tonight, so.

Yes, that's true. Well, when I first got with my ex, it was. I was just kind of going out just to, you know, hook up.

Right.

It was. That was my expectation. Like, we went to a concert, and then it was like, oh, come to my house, you. And now when I'm dating now, it's just kind of like, I don't want it to be like that.

Okay.

Because I'm just afraid that it's just gonna be. I just don't want to even get to the bedroom because of the. Just the fear of it just being awful.

I got you. So what would be great, Scott? What if we give her a little bit of a practice that she could do before she walks into the date tonight so she feels the most embodied and present version of herself? Would you want to try something here with us, Jenna?

I would love that.

We're going to prep you for your date tonight. We're going to do a little date exercise.

Let's start with what is your fantasy date? What does the great date look like or good enough date look like? Let's start there, and then we'll build into getting you fully ready.

My good enough date would just be open communication and just being. Not being nervous, I guess. And, I don't know, just being able to be my true self with this person.

I love that.

And having them be their true self with me, too.

Yeah, I love it.

So what's worked for you in the past to be your true self right now? I imagine I'm talking to your true self. Yeah.

Yes.

So amazing.

My nervous true self.

I love your nervous true self.

You sound.

You sound great. I. I'd date you. Emily would date you. So we're kind of dating you right now. So what. What's allowing you to perfect it? See, it's that easy. So what. What's allowing you to be your authentic self in this moment with us? We're strangers.

Yes. Not seeing you guys face to face.

Okay.

That's true.

And knowing that there's no expectations.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think that's big.

Yeah. So have you ever done a phone date before? The actual date?

I have not.

Okay. That's. That's.

Yeah. And I'm kind of getting. I'm getting. I'm new to this dating thing because I was with my ex husband for 10 years and then right after I got with my ex boyfriend and it was a year of that, so. And it was my first relationship outside of marriage. So the whole dating thing, I just have not. I'm just not familiar with.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's part of the nervousness is kind of the unfamiliar.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay. So there's. I'm asking because they will affect kind of the way we enter into a kind of a mindfulness practice next. So part of some of the nervousness is, you know, face to face or what. Yeah. And some of it's also.

Expectation. It's been a while not knowing quite what to expect or what to do on that first date. Is that right?

Absolutely. Yep.

So just some things, like calling ahead, having like a five minute call, like what I like to call a check in, is just hearing their voice. Have you heard his voice before?

I have not.

So what if. What if it was a very soothing voice on the other end of that call? What would that do for you?

That would make me feel better. Absolutely. And make me feel a little calmer.

Yeah. And I noticed you just took a breath when you said that.

Yeah.

So I'm going to assume by the depth of that breath that you actually feel just a little bit calmer in this moment.

I do.

You do?

I do.

Great. So where do you feel that calmness in your body?

My whole. It's my chest relaxed a little bit and I'm not as talkative anymore because I talk when I get nervous.

And jumble up my words when I get nervous.

Yeah. So just noticing you did that. Yeah. Your chest relaxed. It feels like you don't have to fill the space with as many words, but the words that you get to fill the space with are probably more your authentic words.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. And I'm just naming that because you have the capacity to do that. You did that in three seconds, actually.

Yeah.

And so I have.

I love that.

I love that too. And I have no doubt that you're going to do that tonight. Imagine whether it's Emily's voice or my voice if you don't do the call before, which is fine. But you can do the call before. But if you don't imagine.

Okay, that's a great idea. I never even thought of that.

Yeah.

Yeah. I learned that during COVID when I was single, and I was like, oh, wait, I have to do a zoom day.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh. And it. And it just took the edge off of meeting in person, which, I mean, it makes all. Most of us nervous.

Yeah, it does. So if you.

Absolutely.

Yeah. So maybe you could call them beforehand. But if not, just going into it with this state of calm and knowing that, you know, you said you like talking to us because there's no expectation. What if there's no expectation tonight of you that you have to do anything other than show up as your true authentic self in a calm place? You know, maybe do some breathing beforehand or, you know, is there any. Do you have any practice in your life that helps you feel more calm and connected?

Oh, yes. I am really into yoga and meditating and journaling and all that.

Amazing. Oh, my God. So you could do some of that tonight before you go out. You could sit in your car if you're driving, or in the Uber. I always try to do before I go on a date with someone or even go into a meeting if I have the time. I. I really try to just take a few deep breaths and ground and remember my intention. Like, you know, your intention tonight, Jenna, is to go make a new connection. It's a practice. Right. So this doesn't have to be anything other than you going out, getting back out there again, showing up as your authentic self without expectations to do anything and meet someone new.

Yeah.

Someone who hopefully doesn't jackhammer in the bedroom and who conscious ask questions. Right. Who makes you feel good. And so if you enter the date from an embodied place where you're present and there's no expectation, you're going to know if this is somebody that you maybe want to see. Again.

All the information is laid out for us on a date, like, does he ask questions about you? How does he treat the wait staff? How does he move through life? I think we can tell a lot by somebody knowing of how they'll be in the bedroom or how they'll be in the boardroom. You could. These signs are there. Just. It's a practice of learning how to recognize it in somebody.

And if I can add one.

Yes. Which I think I. I overlook.

Yeah, we all do. Right. It's hard to see the red flags in the distance when we're just really nervous or we want to be pleasers. It's hard to see that stuff. But when we go in, you know, present.

Yeah. And if I can add a first date doesn't mean we have to know if they're the one. In fact, I like to call this the warmup. A complete warmup of just going, am I having fun? Do I want to have. Would I like to have fun with this person again? And like, a date, first date can be that it's not, will I marry this person? Do they meet all my values? What are their red flags? What are their parents? Like?

You know, that stuff is not present. No, that's like, gather. You know, that's like researching and trying to put it into something you don't.

It's a whole other phase of dating. You're in the discovery. Like, that's a discovery phase. You're in the beginning, warm up phase of, like, am I having fun?

Yeah.

Are they funny?

Like, am I even gonna wanna see the scene?

Do you. Do they get to be naked with you? Could you see yourself naked with them? Right. And like, that's the practice. Right. That's the part of it. That's the fun part. You're like, he's. He's lucky that I'm getting to go into a sit. Spend the night with him. But, like, do I want to do this again? Would I buy tickets to the show again?

Right.

Like, are we making this a good time? Like, it's not right. And then we reframe that. That it's less about, do they like me and will I want this? It's like, we just want to know if you could have a good time with this guy and feel safe and have a good meal or good drink and then see what happens from there.

Absolutely.

You are the gatekeeper of your body. I just want to remind you. And so, like, this whole, whole first date, this warm up. Absolutely. It's like, am I having fun?

Yeah.

Are they cool enough? And then I like, I have. You have all the power and all the choice in this way.

You really do.

Absolutely. Yes. I totally agree.

Jenna, I think you're ready to go. I can't wait to hear about it.

Thank you for that.

You're gonna rock this date.

I'm a little less nervous now.

Good. I love it. You just gotta show up and be yourself, be present, and then go home and journal. I love that you journal. Cause sometimes our mind tricks us. And I know if I don't write down things after, I forget or I'll read, you know, So I think to go home and say, how did I feel? What felt good? What would I want to do again? What wouldn't I want to do again? And just get clear and do your practices, and then maybe you'll get another date, maybe not. But you've just gone on a date and showed up in the way that you want to, which is what we're all about here.

Okay, I absolutely agree. I think that's wonderful.

Okay, good. And then when you find someone that you feel safe with and you want to go out, then we could talk about the same. But I think you'll already be set up because there wasn't this, oh, I gotta go perform and do something. You'll have a knowing and a trust if it does go to the next place or the next date. Right. So just take your time and have fun.

Yeah. One step at a time.

Yes. That's it, Jenna. You got this.

I really appreciate that.

We appreciate you, Jenna. Have a great time tonight.

Have a great time.

We'll be thinking about you.

Thank you very much. I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay. Bye, Jenna. Thanks, Dr. Scott. I love the reframing of getting people to take control. They're in charge of their destiny and definitely that date. People have such nerves around dating, and so I just love the practice of, like, let's get them in their bodies. Being calm, being present.

And also a little nervousness is fine. You're meeting someone new. It just means I don't know what's about to happen. But when you remember that you actually have a lot of capacities to navigate the unknown. You have the power and the nervousness, which together is kind of a bit of excitement.

Yeah. It's a great partner with our nervousness is to know that I'm nervous, but I'm going to be okay.

Yeah.

Because the nervous anxiety could also take you down that spiral. Right. So I don't think she's going to spiral tonight.

No, I think she's going to be great.

I know I'm feeling great about Jenna.

I know. Me too. And I, you know, I. I think that there's so much to say about taking off the pressure of what a first date is or the first couple of dates, because, like, oof. When we put so much pressure on what it could mean, or if they're the one, then we're so stuck in that sort of fantasy and the pedestaling and all, like, you know, the comparisons, as opposed to, like, how does it feel, my body next to them? Like, when I sit next to you, Emily, I am zealous. I am buzzing. Like, that's a sign. That I'm like, I want more of that.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's there for everyone we meet, right? Our friendships, our dating life. We don't think about that. I think that it's so set up. The first date is a performance. It's a representation of your best version of yourself. And people do go in with these checklists and all these things that it's just the opposite of being truly present and letting something unfold.

Ditch the checklist. All will reveal itself over time, and it doesn't have to happen on the first time. And having fun can just be great, too.

Exactly. And you could make a new friend.

You can make a new friend, and.

Maybe that person's not your person, but they've got a friend for you. That's happened to me. That's happened to other friends. I've gone out with people like, you're not my person, but I know who would be like, how wonderful. If you have a good rapport with someone, that's fine. The first date doesn't mean. Because I have to mean so much. So I guess what you're saying, Scott, is that we put so much pressure on ourselves. It's a freaking night out with someone new. Let's make it fun.

Yeah.

Dr. Scott Lyons, thank you so much for being here. It was such a gift having you help all of our listeners today.

Oh, such a pleasure. Thank you. And I just. I love hanging out with you and connecting with your listeners and you're so brilliant, Emily. You're so brilliant.

Right back at you, Scott. Where can people find you and follow all your magic?

Yeah, I'm on socials at DrScottLions, Dr. ScottLions. Or my website is DrScottLions.com okay, great.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Em. If you love this show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And, hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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