Text Your Way to Sex-Cess (And Other Charming Tips)

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Hey, everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm very excited for tonight's show. I'm welcoming back my good friend and fellow podcaster Jordan Harbinger, the charming mind behind the art of charm podcast. We're giving you tips on how to help you up your dating relationship and sex game. But first, okay. I have to tell you about the most ingenious product I've seen in a really long time. You might have seen these guys on the TV show Shark Tank a few weeks ago. You know the Shark Tank where people go, entrepreneurs, they try to get money. These guys got a huge investment and this is the first time a product like this has, has ever been available anywhere. And it's pretty amazing and you can experience it. Hey, Anderson, what do you think? I gave you one.

Well, what is it?

Okay, so a spark swipe. It's a reusable dry swipe that you slide on your fingers. So it's like a finger puppet.

It's like a little vest for your fingers.

It's a vest for your fingers. And it's kind of like a, like a dryer sheet or something. You know, like a fabric softener.

It smells like. Yeah, it smells fresh. Like tumbled fresh.

It's for men and for women. And you slap on your fingers, you brush down your clothes, your hair instantly smell better. And they have pheromones in them, so, you know, hygiene.

What does that.

The pheromones part. What does that mean?

Pheromones means that you're gonna be sexually. That the opposite. The members of the opposite sex are sexual.

Are your interns gonna start coming after me in here?

I think so.

They are.

They always want to anyway, so it's just an excuse. They're gonna say, oh, my God, you smell so good. So the thing is, the reason why they invented these is because, you know, like, at the beginning of the night, you go out and you're like, oh, I'm gonna smell good. I'm gonna put some cologne on, some perfume. And then you sweat night when it matters, because you might be hooking up, you know, 2:00am rolls around, and you don't smell so good anymore. Use these 10 times. And you can use it 10 different times.

You can use it up to 10 times before you chuck it.

Before you chuck it.

I got it.

And you just, like, wipe it in your entire hair. But I have to tell you what happened to me today. So I got these. I checked them out. I was like, okay, yeah, you know, I'll use them. So today I am cooking, which I never do.

You don't cook?

No.

This is a lie. This story is not true.

No, it's totally true. I mean, okay, right. I don't cook. I was defrosting a mahi mahi burger in my house. And that's my extent.

It's an ugly fish.

But it was like, it's a stinky fish. It is a stinky fish.

So I said, oh, I see where this is going.

I stepped away from the stove for a second, and the next thing I knew, my entire house is smoking. And now I know I told a story.

Wait, this is very familiar.

I know. And I forgot that this happened because I was telling them a story I was telling my assistants today. I'm like, I freaking burnt my house down. I forget that I put something on the grill on the stove and I walked away. And the entire thing. Because I'm actually not. I had it up too high. High, whatever.

You're like an old woman with dementia.

I am like an old woman. So it's freaking fish. And my whole house, the alarm's going off and it is smelling in my hair. Like everything's all like fish. And I'm opening the doors and like my landlord's like, what's going on? Because he was walking by my freaking landlord who always checks out my sex toys. And so I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm cooking fish. So I smell like fish. I'm heading out to a very important meeting and everything smells like fish. So I think to myself, I'm gonna friggin grab a swipe and I swiped a spark swipe and I swiped and I used it on my hair, my body. Everything smelled so much better. It's genius.

I'm happy for you.

Do you feel like they smell great?

And you know what's also fantastic is it's not liquid. So it's not going to spill in your purse.

No.

And here's a whole group of people you're not even thinking about. I doubt they brought it up on Shark Tank, but for the stoners out there, especially stoners with jobs where they're not allowed to smell referee.

That's the thing.

These things, instead of spraying a bunch of like axe all over yourself so you smell even worse. Yeah, these things are the ticket.

See, these have the best ingredients too. They're like high grade pheromones and ingredients and it's like, you know, pheromones, primal instincts and all that. So here's the deal. You guys should check these out because they've just become available. Go to sparkswipes.com Emily use code EMILY20 and you get 20% off your purchase. That's sparkswipes.com Emily. And they work. Because today I did not smell bad when I went to a meeting.

Let's talk sex.

Okay, let's to it.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend, cuz? My man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about shrinkage sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. do that right now. Check out my website. It's awesome, if I do say so myself. Sign up for my mailing list. Check out my blogs, my videos. There's a lot of cool stuff happening at Sex Family. And I'm beyond excited to be here with Anderson. I feel like I miss. Like, I've missed you over the break. It's been like.

It's a genuine miss. It's not like one of those where people work together, like, hey, how are you? How are the holidays? Good to see you again.

Yeah, like, excited.

Yeah.

You almost kissed me right in the mouth.

I know, I know. You came in.

You're coming in for the mouth.

I know. I do that.

I might have gone for it, but I got. I got a beard and a wife.

Dude, whatever. Everyone is a wife or something.

Afraid to scratch you with my beard, though.

Oh, the beer part. How does your wife feel about the beard?

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying my wife is a beard. No. I'm a straight man.

You have a beard too. And I'm like, straight. Talk about something. Because sometimes you reveal some things on here.

Wife is good.

Wife is good.

We both got the flu over the holiday. That's always fantastic, everybody. The flu is just such a sick. I haven't had the flu in years. And it's just so gross.

It is gross.

Projectile, like, Exorcist style.

For real. Like, are you better now, everyone?

I'm all better now.

Is it.

Do you think?

It's because, everyone, you weren't flying, but, like, I feel like people were flying. Got sick in the airplane.

Yeah, people.

And, like, all the kids are out of school and all the germs that they have in class, they're all rubbing up against the adults.

Ew. I hate that. I'm sorry I didn't get sick yet, but I'm excited to be back here. First of the year. It's gonna be. I have so many. This is. This is the year.

This is it, huh?

This is the year that stuff is gonna happen. Things are changing. They're already changing. In fact, not only did I think it. That it's changing. Cause I spent. I actually took some time off for the first time ever.

You look refreshed. You look good. I asked you if you were pregnant. Cause you're glowing. I did ask that.

That I'm not pregnant. But you'll be the first to know. Or the baby daddy. But actually there isn't 1v1. It'd be the immaculate Conception. So. Not that I haven't had sex, but I've had protective sex. Anyway.

Good for you.

I'm not pregnant.

Good for you.

And I am really excited because I feel that this year the show has been great. We've had a good time.

Are you a resolution person?

No.

Not good for you.

Resolutions are a bummer because people make they do the wrong way. They're like, oh, I'm really.

They're just so trendy and, like, everyone's in my gym. I can't even get into my gym for the first three weeks. It's annoying.

You just gotta wait till they die off. You know why they do?

Yeah.

Because you were like, I'm gonna get in shape. But you can't make a blanket resolution. You have to have steps and measurable goals. Like, I'd like to lose three pounds, ten pounds. How are you gonna do that? Well, three times a week, I'm going to go to the gym. You need a plan for resolutions.

That's right.

Just stick with it. And so I think, like, overall, I've just been thinking a lot about the show and how I just want to take it to the next level. I've been doing it a long time, and I've got some exciting things happening for everyone in 2015. And I also have a survey that I just posted on my site or it will be up tomorrow. And when you listen to the show and I just want you guys to answer it, it's like two minutes, it'll take you and just some questions about the show. What you like, what you don't like, what you want to hear. Yeah.

And you know what?

And I already know that, like, I kind of know some things. I know a lot about what I want to do, but I want to hear. I never talked to my people about that.

And let me say that we did the same thing on the Film Vault a couple years ago. And the show is free. Sex with Emily is free. I'm sure you guys are listening because you enjoy it. It is a huge help. I remember Brian and I, my co host in the Film Vault, we were hugely flattered and we knew what direction to take the show in. So it's a big help to Emily. So you should really do.

It's a big help. And it will. I'll be tweeting it out. It'll be on Facebook, my Facebook page, which is all Sex with Emily across the board. And it'll take you two minutes. And, you know you're already on Facebook surfing the web anyway, because everyone's on Facebook all day long. So one more thing. This is my Big weekend coming up next weekend. She. You.

She.

Are you coming? She. It's the sexual Health Expo, sexualhealthexpo.com I've been talking about this for months now. I can't believe it's already here, but it is blowing up. It's the first of its kind. It is like, you know, no one really had any good sex ed in high school.

Oh, no. No good sex ed.

Most people need sex education now. I did after school what you did.

I got some good sex ed.

I bet you did. Yeah, but this is like, top speakers, people. I've learned from teaching workshops. There's many parties. It's in Hollywood, and I'm giving the keynote speech on Sunday. There's gonna be sex toys, giveaways, fun stuff.

Any celebrities there?

Me?

They should have Annie. Dick sucking carrots. I think that'd be fun.

Do you want me to get on that? January 17th and 18th in Los Angeles. So it's gonna be fun and I'd love to meet you all. Cause, you know, I don't know. We don't always get to hang out, so I'd love to see you there. And what else? That's all I got for you. So I. Oh, I have some sex in the news, but I'm welcome my guest here because I just want him to hang out and.

Thanks. Can I talk now?

Well, yeah. Jordan Harbinger. I know, I know. He's a pod. Okay, so Jordan Harbinger, he hosts very successful podcast the Art of Charm. And we met how many years ago?

Oh, God, I don't know. A long time ago.

We both started.

I remember writing you an email, and it took you like, three to four months to respond, which now makes total sense.

Why?

Just. Well.

Cause I.

You don't want me to go into this right now, but you can go.

Into it because I sometimes don't get back to you. Well, I get back to you now.

You do get angry, actually.

But now I tell you, you.

Because I'm like, I'm not gonna email.

You, but I didn't know you.

That's right. You were like, who's this schmo?

But we were both on SiriusXM on the same channel. Yeah. And then you called into my show and I called in your show.

That's right.

I forgot all about that, actually.

It seems like a million years ago.

It was a million years ago. And now we met, and now we're friends, and you've been on the show before and you are to charm. Tell me about that.

Yeah.

So essentially, in your Own words.

In my own words. As opposed to the script. Like your spark clothing swipe thing.

Dude, that was not. These are awesome. Do you want one?

Yeah, I do actually. I want him to have one cause he was on a 13.

Your hot model friend that you brough?

Yeah.

Can we just get totally platonic for the record?

Friend.

Okay. He's straight. Jordan has a cute girlfriend and I've given him lots of sex toys. But he brought this really cute, sweet, nice friend who's a model.

And you didn't even say thank you, Emily.

I'm saying thank you right now. Julian. He's a model. He's hot. But what about this? What do you think about these spark swipes?

You know it's funny cause pheromones, I don't necessarily. I'm like the jury's out on those things.

But I love the idea of having like a. Am I allowed to say that? Febreze glove.

Yeah, it's a Febreze glove. Because you spray it on you anyway.

Because the thing is I'll go out.

And you know, I'll work out during the day and then I'll shower and I'll go out later and I'm like.

Put on this as every guy does.

I'll put on a shirt that I wore like another day and I'm like this is clean enough.

And then suddenly I'm like crap, I smell right?

And then I'm screwed.

So if I had one of these.

Things in my pocket I could be like eh. I can sort of undo that a little bit.

Exactly. And your hair. So you can take it with you. It's my present to you.

Alright, thanks. It's going in the pocket right now.

Do it. That and condoms. That's what guys should carry when they leave the house.

I don't need those.

Cause you have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

So you just come right inside her and she's on the pill. Okay. So tell me about you. So Artistry.

Hi Jenny.

Hi Jenny. Jenny. I've never met Jenny, but I know that I have provided you guys with a lot of fun toys when you went away to Vegas.

That's right.

Yeah, but you owed me some reviews.

I gave you some good stuff. Oh God. I know.

And I'm not gonna make you feel bad right now. Although I want to. But I gave you some good stuff.

It's good stuff.

You went through my entire garage. Which all my listeners hear me talk about it. They're like, can I come to your garage? Not everybody gets to go to the garage.

I was in the garage. You guys are.

Talk about the garage.

I took all the good stuff from.

The garage, so there's no point in bugging her to go in there now.

But it's funny cause there's like dick pumps in there. And I'm like, okay, how many of these do you need?

You know?

Cause there's huge ones also, and then little ones. And I'm thinking, is there a medium in this thing?

Because this is ridiculous.

And then you have like condoms that expired, you know, before I could drive and stuff. There's tons of stuff in there, but it's really cool. And I will get you the reviews.

But I need to know which one record. Yeah, you say that now, but you know.

But I gave you like the spreader bar.

That thing is, dude.

You're like, do you have a spreader bar? I'm like, I do have a spreader bar.

I was like, she doesn't have one. My friend who's a professional gigolo was.

Like, ask her for this. And I'm like, that's not gonna be a thing. And I texted you and I got a response in like 12 seconds.

Spreader bar. Yeah. There's sports sheets.

There's b.

Sports sheets, spreader bar. If you don't know which I've actually never used one is a woman when you're having sex. Or a guy could do it too. It's spreads her legs apart.

Yeah.

And it's like goes around her ankles and it holds them there, right?

It holds them there.

And there's like ankle.

Not shackles, but like leather straps.

Yeah. So it's think a piece of wood, right?

Think pull up bar that goes between your legs and then it's leather straps on each side. And then it's just like, you can't. It's like a bondage thing probably.

Yeah, surprisingly, apparently. I don't know if it was hot or not. Maybe she fell asleep.

Yeah, she fell asleep and then she's like, why can't I. Why can't I roll over in bed? Exactly.

And I'm like, this is great. I have the whole side of my.

Bed to myself and she can't move.

This is the best sex toy.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're welcome. Okay, wait, so art a charm podcast. So we met years ago, but tell me, what's the gist?

So the show teaches.

Well, now it's sort of like men.

And women, but we teach confidence, networking.

Skills, social skills, dating skills, essentially, like charm, charisma, personal magnetism. So anything that has to do with that, anything that we can stuff into that category is on the show.

So anything from here's how you get.

Ahead at work to, hey, if you want more girls to like you or you want to be more attractive to the opposite sex, try these amazing things. So we do a lot of the Art of Charm homegrown content because we have our school in Los Angeles where guys fly in from all over the world to learn from us in person, residential like school. And then we have our, our sort of like podcast, which is, as you said, well known in itunes. And people, men and women from all over the world, are listening to that every single day. And it's awesome because that started in a basement like yours probably did too.

Yeah, in the basement.

And now we're like on Twitter with your blue check mark feeling pretty badass, right?

Verified. Verified account. That's right. What is it? Art of charm on.

It's at theart of charm. Yeah.

Okay.

There's a B in there.

So when you started out your podcast, it was more. I'm not gonna say pickup, because you're so. Not that. I'm sorry, you hate that I said that. Because there are the pickup artists, but you're more like the holistic approach. How do guys just become better men?

Exactly. Because when we first started, we were like, cool, this pickup thing seems cool. And then we were like, wait a.

Minute, they're missing this big piece of the puzzle. And then that whole movement eight years ago, which started off as kind of good and well intentioned, good intention, that thing just spun way off the frickin rails and got just weird.

And we were like, whoa, normal human beings don't interact like this. So we went in the other direction.

We got a ton of crap for it from all these, like, pickup guys, but we just didn't care. And now those guys are like being banned from countries and like, can't do business. And it's weird. And girls are like, yeah, we heard that yesterday. You're a loser.

And our stuff is just normal.

Like, give me an example.

So, for example, instead of being like. Instead of being like, can I kiss you?

And then just doing it anyway and getting an article in like frickin LA Times about how you shouldn't do that.

Our stuff is like, hey, leave everyone better than you found them. Really?

Okay, how do you do that? Well, first of all, be interested in other people. It's, it's a lot of it is like Dale Carnegie skills, but made modern for the modern man. Woman instead of like.

And type. Don't typewrite all your Letters, write them by hand.

It's like, listen, okay, you might write handwritten letters, you might not though. And it's weird to do that with people you just met.

So instead of texting them, call people to thank them. Like, really modern skills so that you're.

Charming, charismatic people like you. How to make other people feel good being around you. Because that's the key to getting people to want to be around you, want to help you with your business or your personal life. So we get into a lot of detail on that. And another common example would be something like, alright, I went to a networking event, how do I get people to, how do I get people to help me with my business? And it's like, okay, forget about what they can do for you. Just try helping as many people as you can.

And then suddenly, after a couple of.

Weeks, months of doing that, they find that people are coming back on them.

And being like, man, you really helped me meet a ton of people.

What can I do for you? Oh, well, I don't know, I'm trying to get more publicity. Well, my sister's the editor of LA Weekly. Would that help? And you're like, oh my God, how did that happen?

And it's because you hooked that guy.

Up with a graphic designer, not expecting anything in return. Right.

So you go into it, you go into network, so you teach people because, you know, social anxiety is so crippling for so many people.

Right.

And you know, men and women across the board, they're just like, I, I don't want to go to parties, I don't want to go to events. It's just, it's something, especially now with social media, people like, never have to leave their house and so they don't have to break through that social anxiety barrier. So you teach people, like, don't go to these events with an agenda of what people can do for a year. You're saying, just go in there, talk to people.

Yourself.

Yeah, exactly.

What if you are anxious and you're like, I don't want to talk. I love going into a room where I think I'm the only. It's weird. I mean, I have other issues, but social anxiety I don't have. You're like, yeah, yeah, sure. But I've always loved going to a room where I don't know anybody and talk because I truly, that's why I do the show. I've always loved essentially interviewing people.

Sure.

Asking questions. And I get off on that. A lot of people don't or they would, but they're so anxious about it. So how do you get them to break through?

Right, that's the trick, right?

Because it's not just like, be yourself.

Because I can tell anybody, be yourself. And they're like, thanks, the advice, you jerk. My mom told me that when I was 8. Hasn't worked.

So for us getting people to break through, that is.

It's all about getting them positive feedback and positive reinforcement.

And I'm not just saying like, good job, golf clap.

Like when they do it, it's like, okay, you have social anxiety, you're afraid of crowds, you feel anxious when you go to events like that. Alright, let's try this. We know that the mind follows the body and the body follows the mind. This is science. I'm not making it up. It's not like yoga principle or something. I mean, it probably is, but it's now backed up by science.

It's more like meditation.

So we change people's posture, we change.

The way they look at others, their eye contact, the way they sit, stand, walk and talk. That confident, charismatic body language starts to carry over in their attitude. We just made me straight. I know, right? We teach you how to build it as a habit. I really want to like raise this microphone up.

We teach you how to build it as a habit.

And I'll figure that out while you're talking because there'll be plenty of time when you're doing that.

Hey, dude, you talk just as much as I do.

At least as much.

People always email you. Like, you cut off your Gus. I do that sometimes.

I get that same feedback.

See you.

You do?

Yeah.

They're like, I love your show, but stop cutting off your gas. I'm like, they were boring me. They're boring, right? Dude, I'm like, they were boring me and I lost it. So I did you a frigging favor.

Yeah, like, sorry, 55 year old guy who thinks I talk too much.

Everybody else cut each other off.

Like we're doing now.

This should be interesting. Yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

So we'll change the way that the posture interacts, right? And so once you start building positive.

Body language, eye contact, vocal tonality. Now if that's a matter of habit, due to the habits we've brought you, like brought by you, right now, when you're interacting with other people, you don't have to think, oh my God, how am I being perceived? You know how you're being perceived.

You feel good, people start treating you.

Differently, which is a key, right?

Once they start doing that, you go, oh, all right. This Isn't that bad? Because I'm being received warmly, and I'm.

Not worried about micromanaging my first impressions in front of other people. This isn't so bad. I can do this. And then you start getting good at it.

It's like, the first time you talked.

On a microphone, you were like, is this thing on? You're, like, whispering.

It's too loud.

You know, it's weird.

Now you can't stop talking into the microphone.

Exactly. So tell me, starting with just body posture, posture, and the way you walk into a room, how do you teach that? Like, what do you show them? You're like, stand up straight?

Yeah.

I mean, it's kind of funny because.

It'S like, men and women.

My mom told me to stand up straight.

I can.

Or sit up straight. I can do that.

Well, the difference is, yes, you know, all these things intellectually, but the difference.

Between putting it into practice, especially when there's outside stress.

Stressors, right?

That's the name of the game.

It's like, that's why there's Navy seals that can shoot really well, and there's.

Guys who go to a gun range.

And they're like, I could hit that target myself.

Yeah, we'll try it. When there's, like, a bomb going off behind you and people are trying to kill you. Different situation.

Talking with people in social situations, not.

Hopefully, that stressful, but for a lot of people, it is like, we've all.

Heard that, like, public speaking is the second greatest fear behind death.

Right. More scary or something.

So, like, if that's the case, then.

There'S a lot of stress going on when you're interacting with other people socially.

So what we do, for example, if.

You fly in and you work with us at one of our residential programs.

What happens is we teach you how human interactions work.

We give you some basics, and then we run you through these drills to drill those in.

And then we bring in cute girls.

To interact with you, and we videotape it.

And then we break down your body.

Language, eye contact, vocal tonality.

And with coaches, so you can see it. So you can't be like, oh, yeah, I was totally killing it. And we're like, nope, let's go to the videotape.

And you're like, terrifying, but it's awkward as hell.

Everybody hates it until we're done.

And they're like, oh, my God, that's amazing.

The growth is amazing. And we keep doing it. We don't just do it once.

We do it over and over and over with like experts in body language.

Vocal coaches.

We have therapists.

What do you mean, vocal coaches? You teach them how to talk slower.

How to lower their slower, lower whatever they need to do.

Because a lot of guys talk slow enough. I'm not one of them. Right. But a lot of guys talk slow enough.

Sometimes they need to be louder.

Sometimes they need to be less loud. But if they're.

If they're talking too loud, it's like, well, why are you doing that? Oh, well, if you dig down deep.

Enough, it's like, oh, I want people to see me because when I was young, I felt invisible. I have many brothers.

There's always some sort of baggage in there. So we dig deep enough not to.

Stir up a whole pot of you know what, and, like, screw them up, but for them to go, oh, okay. And we shine a light on it, and then they go, ah, yeah, I do do that. Let me cut that out. And then we give them positive habits to change the way that they behave.

That's great. It's all about reconditioning. So the fact that you're able to do that is pretty amazing because men and women do that. What do you teach women?

Women, actually.

We have to outsource that to one on one coaching.

It sounds bad.

Outsource. I mean, the coach works for the art of.

But the reason we do that is.

Because women always have different goals for their communication than men. Guys, we can herd into smaller groups. And honestly, that's what we're best at is, like, training guys. We're not gonna try and reinvent the wheel and train women.

The other thing is the format of.

The bootcamp that we have is residential in nature. So if there's eight guys in a house sleeping overnight, 60 hours of training, six straight days, they're in from other countries. You cannot throw girls into the mix.

No, they'd just be banging because, well.

Or, like, they wouldn't want to open up and adm, like.

Or share things. And, like, we get pretty deep at program.

No, I'm sure it's like group therapy.

Kind of, but it's without the woo. It's not like, my mom didn't hug me enough.

And then, like, everyone's crying. We don't do that. But it's like, hey, you know, this is where I feel insecure about stuff and I want to fix it. And then it's like, okay, now we can help you, but if you're all.

I don't need this, bro. I'm rad. I'm badass with the Chicks, it's like, well cool, when you're done trying to BS everybody, like, we can help you, right? But before that, then just go away. But honestly, a lot of the guys.

That are coming in now are like married and relationships, they want to improve communication with their significant other or they're here strictly for business. They're like, listen, I run a company. I need to be able to sell myself better. I need to be able to sell my company better.

And the best way to do that.

Is to be magnetic and charismatic because.

No one's gonna be like, hey, will you buy my 13 million dollar computer system?

Oh no.

Were you always magnetic and charismatic?

Hell no. No way. No, not at all.

I was really quiet when I was younger.

Younger till when? What age? What age were you? Like, I'm gonna change that.

It's weird because I was, I was a loud kid and I got in trouble for it non stop. So it was kind of like beaten out of me both metaphorically and possibly.

You were abused? You wanna get into that?

No, no, I'm just kidding. My parents were awesome. My teachers were like, this kid's an.

A hole because I was loud and disruptive.

I mean like I am now, only now I get paid for it. So suck it, shumway.

But, but you know, now or back then, you know, so I kind of.

Calmed down and I. And then massive social anxiety is a. Around women middle schooler. Oh, around just everyone. And I got way into computers, surprise, surprise.

And there's a lot of guys that.

Kind of never got out of that phase. And now those are the guys that you see around like on TV or whatever. And they're like quiet and they're, you know, it's bad news and they play games all day and they don't have social life.

That could have been me. So like, I have a lot of.

Sympathy for those guys because I'm like, but for the grace of God go I, right? Is that the phrase? I don't know, something like that, right? You're Jewish, so you don't have what? You don't have God.

Get out of here.

No, not right.

So you slide.

I said grace of God.

Not in your house.

Yeah, so I could have done, I could have gone that way. But instead, around high school and then.

Again in college and then again in law school, I made concerted efforts to like not be that guy. And then in law school I got a great internship for this law firm. And the guy who was supposed to be like my mentor was never there.

And I was like, wait, A minute. If we bill hours and that's how.

We make money as lawyers, why are you never in the office? And finally I was like, screw this job. I don't care about it. I'm just gonna ask. So I caught up with him and I asked him and he was like, actually, I bring in all the business for the firm. That's why I'm never in the office. And I was like, wait a second. You get paid more than everybody else and you don't have to show up to work because you know how to talk to people. And all these other people are just working like 24, seven billing hours and like filing dumb documents. And he's like, pretty much.

So I'm like, wait a second. People skills pay more than technical skills. And at the highest level, they pay way more. And that now when I talk about.

That on my show, these IT guys and stuff come out of the woodwork and they're like, yep, that's been the limiting factor in my career is I can never manage.

It's true.

I'm just really good at technical stuff.

You got to manage it. It's about, you know, creating relationships, building relationships with people. And that's always what I'm better at than the work part anyway. Like, I've always been really good at like getting the raise or getting the higher position than anyone. And I've always been more. I've always been better at that, I think, than actual work. But a lot of people aren't, and I totally understand that. So in that moment, was that a pivotal moment? Were you like, I'm not gonna be a lawyer, or were you like, I'm only gonna go be a lawyer and be manager of the friggin business?

Well, I never really wanted to be a lawyer.

So that kind of, in the back of my mind, I was thinking, all.

Right, now what I'll do is I'll master people skills even more, knowing that.

This can get me to the top of the law game. And I can. It'll be way more fun, right? Because this guy did like jujitsu, golf, charity events, dinners, lunches. That was his whole job.

And I thought, this, that sounds fun.

And he probably did it all in the company dime. And then he made more than everybody else who was in the office at like one o' clock in the morning grinding on some bs and he was probably wasted with his wife and like some investment banker and his wife chilling on a boat, right?

So I'm like, this is awesome.

So.

So I started to learn everything I.

Could about Psychology and applied psychology, pop psychology, all the BS and of course, influence, persuasion, all the Dale Carnegie stuff. I read everything and I was in my research. That's when I found the dating stuff.

So I didn't start off by being like, I need to get girls because no one can, because I can't do.

It in pua, right. Pickup artist. I started by being like, networking and then, oh, my God, this can get girls too. Sign me up.

So I didn't start with the weird stuff, which is now most guys are.

Starting with the weird stuff. And that's why.

You mean they're starting with the pickup. Not everyone knows about the. But when we first started the pickup artist community was. The game came out around that time and it was just all about guys getting the numbers and getting late. But it wasn't.

It was about getting laid and stuff.

It wasn't about becoming a better human, a better guy, a better person. So.

So we focus on, like, deserve what.

You want, not just like, figure out how to trick people into giving you what you want. Right? And that's always.

That's always going to go further because you can, if you did, if you were into this pickup stuff and you.

Acted like you do with women at work, you would instantaneously be fired and.

Possibly prosecuted if you do the pickup artist stuff. But if you do the. The just getting along with people and being more personal, magnetic, that's going to work.

Promoted.

And I like that you're branching out into that in your show too, because it is true. It's like on this show, I get so many emails. People like, how do I. Yeah. And it's hard because this is what I've been thinking for this year. I'm always like, well, communicate with your partner. Communication is lubrication. But how do you do it? So much easier to say it. But like, teaching people the actual ways to communicate and the ways to project yourself is a whole different game.

It's different and it's super nuanced, right? So it's.

You can give tons of.

You give a ton of great advice on your show.

The problem is if someone's like, yeah, I feel like I'm doing it all.

But it's not working for me.

You're sitting there going, dude, I can't.

See you, I can't hear you. I don't know what you're doing wrong.

But I guarantee you, if that person.

Was in front of you, you'd be.

Like, dude, what are you doing?

Right?

I can totally break it down.

You'd be shaking Them like a. Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's hard too, because we'll be getting some emails a little bit. People email me. It's like, I need more background because there's not like a one size fits all answer. Okay, but let's move on to some more dating stuff specifically, because since we even started our shows, social media, dating apps, all this stuff has totally changed the dating game. And I. It's all about now. So if you have social anxiety, you might never learn to squash that because you're just sitting behind your computer all day. But there is an art to it, and you did write a book on texting. So when we come back, I want to hear all about that, which I think that everyone needs to know a little bit how to communicate online. But now a word for my sponsors who I love. Good Vibrations. Oh, you're in San Francisco now.

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Emily20, you're such a professional. Do the ads, right? Okay, so tell me about social media dating apps, how it's changed the dating game. And I want to hear about your tips for texting. So that kind of all works in because it's about. If a guy writes you a boring message, you're like, next.

Sure.

I mean, the online dating stuff is.

It is. It translates to texting so much like that we wrote this book called the Textbook a million years ago because texting was almost, I hate to say it was like almost new. This thing is like six years old. Right?

So texting wasn't new new, but people.

Are like, wait a minute, you can just get tons of girls numbers and start texting them and never filter and never actually interact with the human again? No, it's.

But it was a great way to filter things. And nobody was. People were talking about it, but nobody was testing it.

And we had 15 guys working at.

The Art of Charm.

So we put up massive spreadsheets on the wall and we were like, okay, guys, you guys each met like 20 girls this week or this month. Let's start sending them the exact same messages and see which ones work. Oh, it sounds douchey, but we would test it. But here's the.

For science.

It was for science. But here's the thing. It doesn't really matter because it's not a disingenuous message. Like, you're so pretty, I love you.

Yes, give me the sentence.

It's something like.

We would test something like, hi, this like really stoic, like, hi, great to meet you. The other night, we should go out sometime.

Didn't work.

Like, doesn't work as well. Very rarely, you know. Depends on all of this. Depends on your connection in person, of course. But let's assume we met the girl on like the subway and it took like two minutes. Then you try something else that's like ridiculously silly.

Like, hey, little penguin princess, let's go ice dancing. And you'd be friggin shocked. That would work a bunch more.

But we were like, this is kind of silly.

So we try everything in between.

And yeah, it might sound douchey, but.

What we're doing is we're under.

We're uncovering communication patterns.

It is, it is what they respond to. So what did they respond to? What were the elements?

Well, it's hard to say because it does vary massively based on context.

But the underlying principle is anything that.

Doesn'T have emotional communication is gonna fail really hard. Surprise, surprise. Right, Right. So what we do know is that communication is mostly emotional. The words don't matter as much. But what if it's texting and you.

Only have the words now you have to lay those texts.

You have to really drill in emotional words.

How do you layer in emotions into text? Instead of saying, who doesn't even feel anything?

Instead of. Right. If you're just a stone cold dude with no real feelings to speak of.

Like a robot, what you have to do instead of saying something like, hey.

What are you doing this weekend? We should hang out. You might say something like, hey, what's shaken?

What?

What trouble are you getting up to this weekend? Those are emotionally linked words. They work much better in terms of getting trouble.

They're like, oh, he thinks I'm kind of a fun crazy girl.

Here's. Here's the thing. It doesn't matter, right?

Like, that's how you perceive it the way that I perceive it.

It doesn't matter because since I can't communicate directly with you with emotion because I'm not looking at you, you can't see me, you can't hear my voice. There's. You can't get sarcasm, nothing thrilled of that.

There's a certain thrill in there, but it's all on your end because the.

Interaction then takes place in your head with texting, right?

So if it's fully logical, it's taking.

Place in your logical brain. Is totally boring.

So guys should not. So what are the texts? Because, okay, for example, on Tinder, I flirted with Tinder. Actually had a blind Tinder date on the show, which was quite fun.

He couldn't see anything, huh?

No, he couldn't see. Weird. It was right? Oh, my God. He thought it was really, like, cute from my eyes.

He just assumed you were really hot.

Yeah, everyone was buying. Just kidding. It's a terrible thing to say. No, he was a blind 10. Never met him. Came in. Anderson actually met him before the show.

To make sure he wasn't totally sketch.

But the point is, like, now I go on it and I, you know, for fun. I haven't actually gone on any other dates.

But you just went on Tinder for one second.

No, just now I looked. I was like, oh. But when they're like, hey, hi, like your picture, I'm like, I don't get. And it's not because I'm like, oh, that's lame. I Don't really have time. And that just didn't interest me. And I forgot, and I'm busy and I forgot to check in. But what would you suggest is like a great first message on something like that?

Well, here's another principle, right, Is it's.

All about the actual principles of what, what you send. It doesn't necessarily matter, right?

So it depends on what sort of.

Message you're trying to communicate.

And the, the point of, the point.

Of doing the Tinder message, right, is like you have something like, hey, hi, what are you doing?

What's up?

What are you, what are you up to? Or something like that. Like, every guy sends the exact same thing.

How's the weekend?

How's the weekend?

Beautiful weekend.

What are you up to? What's going on? That doesn't work. And the thing is, as guys, we're.

Kind of like, gosh, you know, this Tinder thing doesn't work very well.

But here's the problem. If you make. And here's how you just prove this.

To yourself right now.

Go get a burner phone or look at your sister's phone. Make it account as a girl is.

What I suggest you do, and just get some random freaking photos from the Internet, make a little profile and watch what guys send you. And it will always be the exact same freaking thing.

What is it? Okay, you should.

It's always the stuff you're talking about, okay?

Right.

Hey, what's up? What's checking?

So one of the ways this is.

For, like, good for Match too, where plenty of fish are.

I was just gonna say the same thing. Exactly.

If you want to learn what's gonna.

Work in online dating and what's not.

Make a profile or two as a.

Girl and just sit there and watch the crap come in. Because it's rubbish.

Absolutely right. You're right. So what would you recommend? Are they good? Give me an example. Because all you saw was a picture and obviously you matched because you thought she was hot and she thought you were hot or attractive. That's how Tinder works.

But a lot of it comes down to testing. So the same principles apply, right? Emotional communication.

And a lot of times guys go, I do that. I wrote like a three paragraph message.

To this one guy.

That's even worse because there's just too.

Much investment going on there.

Don't write three paragraphs either.

So the thing with Tinder is it.

Can be a little different because it's largely based solely on appearance. But even a message like, hey, doesn't work really well at all. Like if you see somebody in there. A lot of what I use is based solely on humor. Surprise, surprise. So if someone's Asian, I might write something like, you look really French. How long have you been in the United States? And they'll be. If they're like, that's the dumbest thing ever. Not gonna be a good match for me. But if they're like, sorry, I don't really speak English that well, only French, you know, or whatever, like humorous, funny or not.

But even if I don't think it's.

Funny, it'll be, it'll be funny. Yeah, you got to be careful.

Don't offend them with the ethnic.

No.

Yeah, but that's another thing is like people will go over the line.

But if you don't, if you're not.

Able to showcase your personality in the message, it's. Without getting into too much science, it signals emotional intelligence as not quite being as high as a lot of women.

But things can be so misconstrued on text because you don't know, like it's your first message and you're kind of sarcastic. Because I answered some guy back and I was really sarcastic and he never got. I always thought I was really funny.

Yeah, but you're assuming that's because of something you did.

Right, but I'm funny.

Oh, right.

But it never is what we think. This is show on this, on rejection. Talking about how we never. If someone doesn't get back to you, you just gotta move on. Like you always in our minds think, oh, what'd he do? What'd I say? Whatever. And I, maybe they have a girlfriend. Maybe something else is happening.

Yeah, it's possible.

I mean it could be anything like that.

So you're texting, so there's. Yeah, right.

So you're assuming the response that or didn't, did or didn't come because of you.

And that's a great illustration of another point. Right?

Because communication is always received and filtered.

Through your current emotional state. I'll repeat that because it sounds like mumbo jumbo psychology.

Communication is always filtered during your.

Through your current emotional state. So if I meet you at a cool party and I text you right after on the way home and I'm.

Like, hey, it was awesome meeting you.

You seem super fun. Just as much trouble as me. Let's hang out another time.

You're like, that's great, this is so cool. If I text you the next day.

And you're like ironing and like your frickin cat barfed on your carpet and you're like, ah, this sucks.

And I text you and I'm like, hey, what's up? You're like frickin nothing.

And you like throw your phone across the room and you don't answer me.

So even though the communication itself is.

Fine, the current emotional state that you were in was not receptive to you.

When you received it. Right.

So you have to. Yeah. So if you can call it back.

To that previous state.

If you can not like, hey, this is Jordan. I met you at that cool party last night.

But something like boom, hey, nickname that I gave you last night randomly.

Or hey, I'm still cleaning, you know, your wine off my shirt.

Thought I would say hi. And you're like, oh my God, that was so fun. Like last night, that was, that was.

Fun from the moment where you met, if you can.

And if there's a positive association with it or a silly or fun association.

With it, if not, you're just like, hey, what's up?

And then you're like, nothing.

Well, I'll tell you what's up. I'm cleaning cat puke off my friggin couch. Jerk.

Even though it's totally not.

So are there like things? What is like the number one mistake you think that people, men, they wouldn't.

Make with texting, they always send the same message, first of all. And again, if you don't believe me, make an account. Oh, it's hey, hi, what's up? Or how's your weekend? Yeah, what's going on?

How's your weekend? What are you up to?

Like you don't even know me. Asking. I'm reveal what I'm up to. We don't even know each other. Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to be at this place and then I'm going to go.

Here and you should totally just.

Yeah, here's a drop pin. Follow me.

But the. Yeah, exactly.

Girls get the same thing.

And you know this. I don't have to explain this to you. Women get the same thing over and over and over again.

And you don't have. The other thing is a lot of.

Guys will try to be like too creative with it. That's fine. I feel like if you're gonna do that, go for it. It's way better than the alternative, but it's unnecessary.

And the other thing that guys do that they think they're being creative but they're so not, is there'll be like.

One obvious joke they can make about your profile and if they go for it, it's like, like, eh, it was low hanging fruit, right?

Like the obvious joke would be because you're holding your dog and you're like, yeah.

Or something like, oh, that dog's so cute. Or like, oh, I love dogs too, or that reminds me of my dog.

And you're like, so what? I don't care.

So what if people don't have this natural. Like they read this in your book.

Yeah, I mean, the book, the book's.

Freaking free now, I think. Anyway, it's called the textbook and you can go to hototextgirls.com, it's like the most immature thing we've ever created. But, but, and I'll admit that outright, but here's the thing. The communication principles in it are totally solid.

Okay, that's good. Because I think that people, everyone needs an advocate. But I do think that there is something to just like meeting people in person and you gotta get out there still. Because you're never. Because this is crippling. I think it is.

And it brings me.

It's crippling people and they're not learning the skills because they're just sitting, hiding behind their computer.

It is. And it brings me to the last possible, or I guess one of the last if we like, points of the book, of the communication as well as. Because anything you do online, anything you.

Do via text has to purely be.

To either keep interest over time, because if I can't see you for a week or something or four days, I want to keep the energy going.

Or logistics.

Another massive, massive mistake that guys do in every form of online dating or Tinder or anything is they start to try to generate rapport and a connection with somebody through the crappiest medium ever, which is texting or email.

Okay.

And so what that means is instead.

Of like bantering and being funny and then setting up a time to meet in person, which is where the real magic always happens.

They do things like, so where did you grow up? And you're like, why am I having a conversation with.

You know, you already stalked me on Facebook. You know, I'm from Michigan.

Look at my friggin Wikipedia, bro.

Or whatever. Right? That's what you're thinking?

Yeah, no, like, please don't Google me is what I think.

They do that to every girl that they meet and it's boring because there's.

No other emotional communication.

There's no other communication.

There's no body language, vocal tonality.

There's no fun involved.

So we just want to be entertained.

Yeah, yeah.

We want to be like something stimulated In a way that's different than other.

Yes.

Other men or other women or whatever they're doing. But how do women drop the ball.

With that online communication?

Well, there's a couple ways in which.

Women drop the ball. One is being exactly the same kind of crap communicator as a guy.

But the real mistake, in my opinion.

And women get away with it a lot. So they're gonna point to the scoreboard and be like, oh well, Jordan Harbinger, we don't really care.

They get away with it.

And they go, so what? The guy has to do all the work? Well, here's the problem. Women are universally. And I throw that term around and I realize it's never universal, complaining that the only guys that talk to them are the guys they don't want. Well, here's something to think about.

What if the guys that you do want talk to you and then go, jesus, you're boring.

And then they step off?

Or why am I doing all the work? And you're going, cause you're a guy and you're supposed to chase me. Well, guess what? If you're making us do all the work and you're not fun, why the.

Hell would I invest in you emotionally?

Well, what do you think about women making the move and approaching these guys that they're interested in? What about women not making men do the work? Do you think that that works when women are approaching guys first?

I will say blanket no, but that's not gonna contradict my last point.

I'll tell you why.

The reason is because women, it's.

What blanket.

Did I just confuse you?

No. You're saying that women should not approach men.

Yeah, I don't think that they should. And the reason is because. And a lot of people are going, how dare you?

I know, 2015.

But you know what? Tough crap. This is biology.

Men want to hunt and kill and gather and drag you back to their cave. And if you take that away from them. Yeah, is that what you're going to say?

If you take.

And maybe kind of.

I mean, it's probably not that same thing.

There's probably some different science there. But the fact of the matter is, if something lands in your lap, you don't value it as much as you.

Wanna work for it.

You wanna work for it.

But here's the thing, you have to.

The woman has to drive this.

Cause relying on guys to be good.

Emotional communicators is a friggin losing battle. Okay? So if you're a female out there and you're Listening.

You have to let. You have to run away, but leave a little trail of honey behind.

You just let them know that you're interested. But you don't have to.

Exactly.

And also you have to kinda make it look like our idea. We're like, oh my God, what I'm doing is working. I'm so smooth. This chick's totally into me.

Meanwhile, you're just kind of like stringing us along like a cat.

But then. So I'm flirty with you, but I'm not saying like, hey, let's get together. And then I leave.

Right, right.

And I like walk away. I'm busy. Right, right.

And I'm all like, yeah, we should. Let's. Let's get together on Friday.

And you're like, I want something more committal than that. So I might be like, what are you doing Saturday? And you're like, I don't know, no plans yet.

And then I'm going instead of going, wanna hang out, which is a massive turn off.

I'm like, listen, let's go do this, this and this.

You wanna have a plan?

Yeah, have a plan.

Offer something up.

Like, hey, let's go for a walk.

In Golden Gate Park. It's supposed to be really nice. And also, I haven't played Frisbee in a million years. I know it sounds weird, but are you into that?

Right. It's something different.

Totally. It doesn't have to be super creative. I mean, Frisbee or expensive is $3. And it's totally go to Golden Gate Park. And you can yell at each other.

And then you can yell at each other.

He moved to San Francisco, by the way.

I know.

He moved here. He's my friend in la. And then he moved to San Francisco. Okay. What is your thought on disappearing daters? Typically, it's men disappear.

What does that mean?

What do you mean by dispute?

It means that guys. There's this whole phenomenon that men, they're in a relationship with whatever relationship, they're dating. Maybe it's a month, maybe it's a week, a few months. And then all of a sudden, guys just disappear. Women don't hear from them. And it could be. And then women spend time analyzing it with their friends and they go on and on and on and they think, where'd he go? But this is like, men do this kind of behavior.

I. I've done that in the past too.

Right. But it's just because you're done and you don't want to have it. You don't want to have the Confrontation. You don't want to tell them, right?

Like I remember.

And then women think it's all about them and it's because I looked fat. It's because I spilled this, what I've drank. It's never what you think. It goes back to our other point is that usually what we're worried about in our heads of why this person's analyzing us or didn't call us isn't what we think.

It's never that. And it's funny. I'll tell you after I gotta tell you off air who this person is. But we have a mutual friend and I dated her for a while and.

I was like, this girl's cool. We are like, totally alike in so many ways.

And then kinda went out a bunch of times and she's like, why aren't you interested in me? And I was like, like, crap, you're right. I haven't made like, I didn't like, make a move.

And then I was like, oh, you.

Know, made some shit up because I felt guilty.

And I also felt like, unmanly, like, what? Oh, I'm supposed to be like, after it all the time, maybe, maybe I'm doing something wrong.

And then I felt weird about it.

And then I slowly realized I was.

Not interested in her as a relationship and I just totally wanted to be.

Friends and I just didn't want to be like, hey, so I just want to be friends.

And then after I stopped calling her every day and I sort of like, it slowed down and then she would like, call me and I kind of wouldn't call back right away.

And she's like, one and she's awesome.

And you'll know exactly.

Oh my God, tell me who it is.

I will. After.

Okay.

And then she was like, hey, it's.

So clear that you're not interested. Like, what the hell? And I'm like, dude, I'm stressed out. I feel so guilty about it.

And she's like, why don't you just tell me? Like, you could totally just tell me.

Because women can tell and they can tell. Anyone can tell. Men can tell.

She was cool. And when I told her, she. I was like, I'm sorry, it's kind of immature. I should have done some.

This is years ago, of course, but.

But I'm like, this is yours.

I'm just sorry about this. I feel stupid. It's immature. I should have just said anything.

But then the girl I dated after her was a fricking nightmare. And the second I was trying to handle it maturely, she Exploded. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. This is largely why guys don't do this, because we've learned one, we're kind of wusses about it, but on the other hand, we've been beaten up when we've actually gotten.

Well, what do you mean you handled it in the right way? You were like, listen, I just don't feel a love connection, but I think that we could be friends.

Yeah. I'm like, you're cool, but I'm just.

Not feeling super connected to you physically.

And she was like, you, I'm hot. You're an idiot.

And I'm like, I'm not saying you're unattractive. I'm just saying I'm not feeling it. I don't know why. It's not. You're not. Not enough. You're just not the right. And she was freaking pissed.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean that men should not be. Should not communicate that way. Not everyone can handle it, but you can say the other people, you know, some guys are into it, some guys aren't. They can take it. Or women can take that.

In 2020 hindsight, if a girl reacts like that, you dodged a bullet by.

Getting rid of her.

Anyway, she did you a favor because you confronted her and you knew. Okay, so what do you think about monogamy right now? Do you think that it works? And do you think that we're setting ourselves up for failure by committing to one person?

No. I mean, it does when it does.

But you have to be willing to do it. And the thing is, it's not biologically sound, it's not supported by science, it's not natural, but it doesn't have to be impossible.

Just because it's not natural doesn't mean.

You can't do it. I mean, look around. There's a million things that are unnatural. It's.

If you're doing has to be because.

It'S like a symbol of love for the girl that you're with. And obviously she has to be interested in that too. If you're not, then you should awesomely have an open relationship. But, like, I wouldn't want that because I know that Jenny wouldn't want that. And I don't feel like I'm being restricted by her.

I like doing it because I'm actually.

Not interested in other people.

Are you finding, though a lot of the men that you're meeting and women. I hear this too all the time. That people just aren't committing. There's this thing called, like, it's a new you almost boyfriend. And it's not friends with benefits, but it's more like you are almost boyfriend and girlfriend. It's. You know, you spend a lot of time together, you might meet other parents. You know, you have sex, you do everything else, but you don't. You're not committed. So it's not just sex late at night when you're drunk. It's. You're practically committed. But you don't quite say the commitment thing. Because I think that the people.

Why?

It's just because I think that there is a fear because there's so many options. There's a bigger, better deal. People are online every day. They're getting poked, prodded, liked by someone else across the social media board, and they're thinking, there's so many out there. I don't need to commit to just one.

Yeah, I mean, fine. But the problem is it goes both ways, and it just seems hella immature.

It is. But with that.

I picked that up in San Francisco. I know.

Did people say hella?

Yeah.

I hate that.

It's from the Bay.

It is from the Bay. And I never picked it up because it makes me crazy. In fact, I won't date a guy who says hella.

Well, good thing I'm taking.

And you know what else? It's funny because when I was in Florida, my mom's like, yeah, she was visiting Emily in San Francisco. Your friends were cool. They just used to all go, yeah, yeah. I was like, they do.

They do.

Is that a San Francisco thing?

Yeah.

And it drives me crazy because I'm like, I never recognize that the word is yes.

And also, if you're gonna say, yeah, it's not.

Yeah, don't hold it out for an extra second.

Apparently, my friends, it's a little pet peeve of mine. I don't.

It's.

There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but it is something that.

But hela. Just bugs me.

Hela.

I'm like, whatevs. Okay.

It's hella name. Hella Lane. It's hella name, Hella Lane.

Dude.

This could be a hell. Whatever. However, I don't know how you say it, because if a guy says hella, I just automatically put him in this box.

In a surfer box.

Yeah. Okay, so let's answer some questions from my listeners. So thank you, everyone, for emailing me@feedbackexwithenley.com because I love hearing from you and I read all your emails, and since Jordan is here, who's an expert art of charm podcast extraordinaire we're gonna answer the questions. Hi, Emily. I met this woman online and we hit off. We went on one date. Afterward, I told her I had a great time. Then she told me she didn't see a spark. I told her that it was only one date. Then she said she didn't think we had enough in common. So I pointed out five things we have in common and asked how you can tell that from one date. So my true question to you is, should I continue talking to her and see if there's a spark or just let it go? Thank you, Mike.

Dude, hella lame.

No, I'm just kidding.

Dude, that's hella lame.

I'll let you ask me about that, and then I will dive onto it like a grenade.

I'm asking you about it. So to me, I think she gave you your answer, Mike. There's nothing else for you to do here but delete her number.

Yeah, I mean, she's not. Here's the.

Convince her. He's trying to convince her to court a lot. Like, what are you doing? Like a case filling. He's like, these are the five reasons exactly.

He's communicating logically when instead of emotionally. That's funny. We just talked about that.

I didn't even know.

So his mistake is no. Here are the reasons why you should like me.

But if you phrase it like that, that's insane.

Like, no, you should be. If you brought a girl. Listen, Mike, I feel your pain.

I totally get it.

Let's take Mike and introduce him to a girl that is not physically attractive to him and go, hey, Mike, listen. You like violin?

She's a violinist.

You grew up in Michigan and you love it.

She goes to Michigan every summer because she. Her whole family's there.

Really? You want three kids? She also wants three kids.

You don't like spending a lot of money on cars?

She doesn't. You like vacationing in Rome.

She likes vacationing.

Why don't you like her? You should like her. And Mike's like, no, I don't want to.

You're doing the same thing to this poor girl. Leave her alone and go find something.

And you know, it is nice when you've common interest, but most of time it's about your chemistry that you have someone. It doesn't matter if you like the same music. I'm always amazed. You're like, we like the same music. And whatever. I understand liking to do the same things. Like, if you have the same vibe and you like to wake up on Saturdays and go for I'm thinking San Francisco. Go for a run and get coffee. And like, that's great stuff. But just to like, only base a relationship because we match on all these.

Things, it doesn't work.

The reason, because it's intellectual, it's logical, it's not exactly.

It's not emotional.

The reason you need the physical attraction first is because the commonalities on stuff, that's the rationalization that happens afterwards. That's why you buy an electric car, because it's cool. And then you go, oh, and also, I'm not polluting. And it gets great mileage and the maintenance costs are low. You didn't buy the car for those reasons. Those are the reasons you justify your purchase of the car.

Exactly.

The commonalities come after the sexual attraction. You're dating somebody that's totally bad for you. And then you go, but she likes electronic dance music and so do I. And she likes Michigan and so do I.

Yelling thing. We're from Michigan. You're from Michigan too.

I'm from Michigan.

We both went to University of Michigan.

Right.

I love that. Okay, but.

But not at the same time though. Let's be real.

I know. Really, like, it must have really changed when I got there from when you were there.

It's floating in the sky now.

I don't know if you knew that.

No, I don't know. I haven't been there. Okay, do we have time for one more question?

Yeah.

Good. Let's do one more. I'm trying to think which one here.

Don't worry about prepping, Emily.

I'm not. Dude, F you. You came to my office and you were talking to me. I was gonna prep.

I just ruined your prep time by.

Yammering like I'm doing right now, demanding sparkling water.

At least I had water.

I blame Julian.

You came to my home. Hi, Julian. Can you just get the hot. He's so noisy.

Julian, he's the perfect man. He's good looking, he's smart, never says anything, will listen to you all day.

That's perfect. Really? You don't mind girls who talk a lot?

He didn't even say yes. He just shook his head.

Nah, we can't understand. He's German. He's like, whatever. She's talking. No, not that. Your English isn't wonderful.

It's better than mine.

Okay, but no one can see who I'm talking offline. We should take a picture of him, post it. Okay. So, Emily. Oh, this is funny. Because this guy, I guess, knew me. We were very good camp friends. I would like to I don't know who this is though I would like to keep anonymous. However, I don't know where to get fresh relationship advice advice. I've been married for 18 years, have three kids and seem very happy. And seem very happy. I have a stunning wife who gets a lot of attention. Recently I was cleaning up some drawers around our house and stumbled across a letter exposing a relationship sexual with another man while we were dating. This is the first time I discovered any of this. I really don't think I should care as this is so old. She chose me and we have a great life together. I may be a bit insecure but I can't seem to get over it though I'm completely faithful husband have watched other relationships crumble due to cheating partners. So for our relationship health do I try to ask her about it? I've had a brief concerns a few times about her but she tends to discount these concerns commenting that I'm paranoid. I tend to think she's right. This. This is way too old. I just don't know whether my recent like a spidey sense worry is real. Thanks for reviewing this Big W. I.

On the surface agree with the fact.

That that's old and she chose you to.

But my question that needs to get.

Answered and won't be because this is.

An email is why was the letter.

Still there after 18 years?

Well, I can say that I've saved every single letter. When people wrote love letter, whatever card that I've received from a man in my entire life, I have boxes that are labeled by the guy.

Why?

Well, I always say writers, I don't know why. You know, I like going I don't know why I save them.

It's like validation.

You go back and you check it out.

It's not validation. It's sort of part of my history. It's part of my I save important. Like what? I ran marathons. I saved the medal. Like I don't save a ton of stuff. I'm not a hoarder.

But you could be that.

I can picture you as a hoarder though. I don't think you are. But I feel like you could be.

I don't know, you just seem like the type. But you have a sex toy hoarder, that's for sure.

I'm sitting in the hoarder. But why do I seem like hoarder?

I don't know. Just to be one of those weird things.

No, I'm not at all actually. I don't have room to hoard. But the Point is that I save. And I know that's weird because I have a lot of friends who are like, I got rid of it. I get rid of it. I keep all my journals. I used to keep journals. And I just.

Then that's okay, I guess.

The context documentation of, like, oh, in college, this is.

Yeah, I mean, I would.

There's just more info needed here.

Because if you found the letter in.

A stack of letters that she's kept from everyone, then it's fine.

But if it's, like, in her underwear.

Drawer and it's the only thing under there and it's next to the vibrator, then you got to ask some more questions, right?

Exactly. I don't think. And unless there's been concerns lately, Big W, like, there's been things happening that you've been a little, you know, worried about, because I think it kind of says here, if there's been other things that have been flaring up, maybe I'd bring it up. But it's when you guys were dating, and you've been together 18 years now. If you really can't get this out of your mind, this is something that I'm a proponent of. Like, you've been together 18 years. Can you have the conversation about, hey, so has there ever been anyone or anything? Or, what do you think about? Or, how's our sex life? Do you want to expand it or do something different? Like, I don't think it's so crazy after 18 years to talk about things like, what can't you talk about at that point?

I agree with you. But here's another question. How do you know it's from when you were dating? If there's a date on it and it's old and it looks old, then fine, maybe it is.

But.

But if you went, what the hell is this?

And she was like, oh, that's 20 years old. And you were like, oh, okay, it must have been from when we were dating.

No one writes letters anymore. And it probably had, like, maybe it was in the envelope addressed to her old address. Who knows?

Maybe.

But we don't know. We need more information here. But I would say that. Let me just say this. Forget the letter. Forget everything. If this is truly big W, the only thing that's really setting off alarm is that you found this letter and there aren't any other things. And I would say let it go. But if there's been other things lately, you got to talk about it. Okay, Jordan, how do we find you everywhere?

Art of Charm podcast, wherever Podcasts are sold because they're all free. And you can just go to theartofcharm.com as well.

Okay. Thanks, Jordan, for being here and thank you, Anderson. Everyone. Check out his podcast, Film Vault After Disaster. Film Badge. Film Badge, Yeah. Okay. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithamily.com.

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