The Heart Tongue Technique That Changes Everything"

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Emily because what I would love to do is like get rid of the whole sex4play construction because all the foreplay stuff is just as important and pleasurable and orgasmic as the intercourse stuff.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. If you've ever wondered why you can't orgasm during intercourse, or if your partner finishes way too quickly, this episode is about to change everything. I'm talking with my friend Susan Bratton, entrepreneur, sex educator and author of 34 books. And she's sharing the techniques that have her inbox flooded with thank you messages. Susan tackles the biggest mystery in heterosexual why vulva owners struggle to orgasm during penetration. We're also answering listener questions from a man whose girlfriend can't orgasm with him despite trying everything. And a woman wondering if she's ever actually had an orgasm. And what squirting is really about this. This conversation is packed with actionable techniques you can use tonight. So grab a pen because you're going.

To want to take notes all right.

Let'S get into the episode.

I am so excited to welcome entrepreneur and fellow sex expert Susan Bratton onto the show today. Susan has authored and published 34 books and programs, including her Amazon number one international bestseller, Sexual Soulmates, the Six Essentials for Connected Sex. Susan believes that shame free, frequent sexual pleasure is every man and woman's birthright. A frequent and riveting speaker from the stage, on television, on podcasts, she's welcome back. On this podcast, Susan summits online video and through her thousands of magazine and website articles, Susan invites lovers to embrace giving and receiving pleasure as a vital element of being alive. Susan, my old friend, we've known each other for a long time. I'm so, so excited to have you back on the show.

I'm happy to be here, my sweet angel. How are things going?

It's going really well, I have to say.

People are into it.

They're really into it and it's been wonderful. Thank you. And thank you for your support of the book.

Of course. It's my pleasure. I'm a supportive everything that you do.

I know, you always have been. Susan. I was telling my producer you were on, I think, with Tim, your husband of 30 years now.

Right.

I think in 2009, it could have been in San Francisco 2010. So it's time. And I have to say that I love having you on the show for many reasons because we can go off on so many things, but the top questions we both get asked, and I'm just gonna say that I think you're gonna agree with me here, the top questions we get asked are from penis owners, how do I last longer in bed? And vulva owners, why can't I have an orgasm during intercourse? Would you say that those are the questions you pretty much get asked as well around lasting longer, staying harder, and then from vulva owners, like, what's up with my orgasm?

Yeah, definitely what's up with my orgasm? From men. What I hear more is how do I get my partner to initiate sex sex or have more sex with me, which I think is all a part of this too. The stamina piece is so interesting because honestly, all of this is there's so much misunderstanding about how it's supposed to go. And I think that misunderstanding comes from a combination of kind of religious shame and repression.

Sexual depiction in the media, including pornography narrative, not understanding our genital systems and how different the male and female arousal ladders are. And the difference between being a testosterone dominant human being and an estrogen dominant human being. One of the Great things about sex is that once you get over someone being super pissed off about no one ever explaining anything to them, and you tell them, don't blame your parents. They didn't know much. They were doing the best they could do. It's not your church's job or your school's job to do it. That's never going to happen. It's your personal growth and sexual growth are two sides of the same coin. Thank God you care enough about it to be pissed. Now put that all behind you and just start learning techniques. Because sex is a series of linked skills, communication techniques, and understanding how to take care of your body. So it operates well your whole life. So you've got a long sex span, which adds to your longevity and your happiness. And it's just one thing and the next thing and the next thing. And you and I doing this for decades, we know we're learning new things every day. I mean, that's the fun thing. I always joke that if sex were a brand, it would be sex. There's always something more.

Sex is a skill set, right? That's exactly it. Once people can say, okay, I'm going to get rid of the shame, the trauma, all that stuff. Once we get them past that and then they show up to the sexual set, the exciting things in the world, then they're like, okay, let's go. And that's when they have to start learning and in many cases, unlearning. Right. Unlearning all the misinformation that they were told. And, Susan, you have so much information and materials and books and things about orgasms, like, I'm always learning, too. We're all going to learn some stuff today from Susan Bratton because she's just a phenomenal resource. We do have some listener questions. I just thought we could. We will also get into. But yay.

That's like. I know for me, Emily, it is a cheat.

So maybe we just, you know. Susan, I think we should just get into the questions now. Okay. This is from Tom, and he's 50 years old.

Great.

Hey, Dr. Elmy, my partner I've been dating for about a year and a half and getting pretty serious. She's amazing. Perfect in so many ways. But there's one problem in our sex life, and I'm not sure if it's her problem or my problem. She can't achieve orgasm during sex. Apparently. She occasionally achieves orgasm alone through masturbation, but I don't think she masturbates very often. She says she's never had an orgasm with a partner. But she really enjoys sex, especially sex with me. So for her, not having an orgasm doesn't seem to be a problem for me, however, it is a problem. I find sex somewhat unfulfilling. If my partner does an orgasm, what should I do? It's not that I'm not trying to satisfy her. I totally am. She has a vibrator that we sometimes play with together. But even that doesn't bring her to climax. I think maybe she's nervous or self conscious with me and can't achieve orgasm. Help. Before we get into this, he's not sure whose problem it is. She. She can't have an orgasm during penetration. She does it during masturbation. But she probably doesn't masturbate enough. And then he's feeling really not great about himself. Like sex isn't great because she's not having the orgasms during intercourse. Is she nervous, self conscious? I mean. Susan, what. What do you think? Where do we tell him to start here?

This is a beautifully asked question because it really points out a number of things that happen. So the first thing that I'll say is that the 44th book that I'm working on is called Orgasmic Intercourse. How to cross the Gasm Chasm. Because this is the number one thing in pair bonded heterosexual monogamous partners, man, woman pairings. That which is the big bell curve of people. It's the number one issue. Going back to what you said earlier. For a lot of guys, it's also that they can't last long enough. That's not what we're talking about here. And one of the things that jumps out at me right away is that I really appreciate his empathy. And I also love how it highlights the fact that for the large majority of our male partners, they really, really want us to have incredible pleasure. They don't really want to have intercourse with us if we're not also having orgasms. That's one thing that. The second thing that I can say is that because orgasmic intercourse is a learned skill, it's really just a series of what you said earlier, Emily unwinding the misinformation and adding the techniques and steps so that people can achieve that incredible bliss that comes from two lovers in orgasmic ecstasy entwined in each other's bodies together. And there are a couple of things. The first is that performance anxiety is one of the biggest issues for all people in sex. And I think that's part of what is happening here, is that she's just kind of number one she worries probably that she can do it. Not understanding that all people can have orgasms from intercourse. It's simply a series of learned skills. So that would be the first thing that I would want her to know, is that there's nothing wrong with you and you can do it. I'm just going to teach you how. And then that just, like, immediately makes people feel better. The second thing is that it is the two people together working together to create the pleasure and the heart connection and the encouragement and the space and the time and the love to make it happen. And you start feeling little inklings of it. And then pretty soon it's happening, and then pretty soon it's happening a lot. And then pretty soon it's reliable. And then pretty soon it's like, how could we have ever been the other way? So it happens quickly. Your body really wants those pathways. Another thing that I guess I would say the steps are important. One of the biggest issues I see is that couples think about sex as, like, foreplay sex. And then maybe they've heard the word aftercare, but probably not even. It's like foreplay and sex, and sex is the goal and everything leads to that. And people are kind of in a race to get there because that's what sex is. And the problem is that that's come from our religious background that says sex is for procreation only. So the only thing that matters is intercourse. And what I would love to do, and I'd love it if you had a better word for this, Emily, let's put our heads together, because what I would love to do is, like, get rid of the whole sex foreplay construct. Because all the foreplay stuff is just as important and pleasurable and orgasmic as the intercourse stuff. Kissing, genital pleasuring, full body touch, breast and nipple play, Yoni and Lingam massage, the vulva and penis massage, oral pleasuring, intercourse course, anal course, all of those things are all magnificently orgasmic once you learn how to do them. Because we have all kinds of orgasmic receptor tissue all throughout our body, and the more of it you get in play. You've probably had Dr. Nan Wise on your show, have you had her on years ago, yes. She was the one who put all the women in the FMRI machines and had them touch different locations and it lit up different parts of the brain. And sex being that mind, body connection where your brain's your biggest sex organ, the more that you light up, the more pleasure you feel, the easier it is to achieve orgasm. And then I'll Say one more thing and I'll shut up because I want to hear what you have to say. And that is when you're talking about the male body and the female body that the testosterone dominant penis owner and the estrogen dominant vulva owner, and I like to call it a yoni instead of a vulva because the vulva is the outside and the vagina is the inside. And there's a whole bunch of stuff in there that's super important, which I'm about to say.

So he's horny every day, he masturbates every day. And generally if he's healthy, these are all just bell curve things, some people don't, you know, and all that stuff. But he wakes up with a morning wood and he thinks about sex and he masturbates and he looks at your naked body and he gets an erection. It, it takes a minute or two or even less, sometimes maybe a little longer. But he's got fast acting blood flow to his penis because it's like a straight shot. Well here we women are estrogen dominant, we're more skitterish, we're the more oriented toward responsive arousal than the spontaneous arousal of our male bodied partners. We have all the same erectile tissue that needs to get all the same blood flow, but it's in all these nooks and crannies. We've got three erectile tissue systems that make up our structures that need to get that blood flow. And that takes all us a little time to calm down and get in our bodies and relax and let our saliva flow and our lubrication flow through our vagina. And when we're worried already about it, it makes it doubly triply, quadruply hard for us. And when we're racing to penetration, instead of taking all that stuff we call foreplay to get us really roused and to get that, I like to call it a yoener, like a yoni boner, like a clit boner. But it's not even just the tip of the clit that we think about. It's all that huge amount of erectile tissue that would totally fill our hand if we took it out of our vulva. You think about your penis owner and he's got his little banana in his pants there. And you take that banana out and you peel it and take all that erectile tissue and wrap it around our vagina right in our vulva. If we don't have 15, 20, sometimes 30 minutes, when we're stressed or tired or where we are in our cycle.

We'Re being penetrated before we have our lady boner, our yoener. And so when you're flaccid and small and tight and not engorged, you have less surface area to send the signals to your brain that say, this is pleasure. So you're actually getting less signals. And so the more you slow down and let that all plump up, the more signals you get, and then you're ready. And it becomes understanding that the vagina wants very different types of sensation than the penis. Different strokes, different sensations, different tempos and rhythms. And last piece, I'll add in. And I can deep dive into techniques, and I can deep dive into dirty talk, which it's really. It's not dirty talk. It's encouragement. We need encouragement, verbal. We need a lot of that. Adoration, encouragement, appreciation to get there. And so I would say that if they both had those tools and they could have a few stroke techniques, he could know a few things to say to her. And they slowed down and took their time and did some yoni massage and some, you know, penis stroking and some vulva pleasuring and some sexy kissing and some booby play. She would start coming so easily. So I have no worry at all that once this gentleman hears this, this segment that you're doing with me, he's going to be like, yahoo, she's coming. And she's coming at you. Coming around the mountain.

Wow, Susan, that is just so much to unpack. You just unpack the entire conundrum that we have around understanding sex.

What.

Whatever kind of body we're in. So first, you're speaking to the whole, like, misunderstanding that we have around sex so that it's just about procreation. How do we redefine it? You said nipple gasm. Analgasm. I hope you guys are taking notes because those are all the different ways that we can orgasm that don't have anything to do with penetration. We. To go back to our friend Tom here, we hear this a lot. It's really, really common. We don't understand the arousal Runway. We don't really understand what it's going to take to get her aroused. Because men, they. They see their partner, they get turned on. It's the way they get aroused. It's external. We see their penis, and then we're a vulva owner going, well, I'm not ready yet. What's wrong with me? I'm broken. And then we know the second we get into our head and we're worrying what's wrong with us, there's going to be no Orgasms happening. You do have techniques. You're making almost like this guarantee, which I don't often make guarantees. But the way you're saying is that anybody can learn to orgasm during intercourse. Any Volvo owner. And you have very specific techniques. Everyone. Because I know that you got into this because you were like, I'm not having an orgasm during intercourse.

You remember my story.

That was your jam.

Yeah.

Yes, of course. Yeah, let's talk about that. So in knowing this and knowing that they're in a good place, let's just say they don't have the shame, they don't have the trauma. They just really need to understand Tom and his partner, like, what can they do to have more pleasure during penetration? Because at the end of the day that's where they're going to go. Right. Even though they could have all these other gasms, where do they start? What could they learn here? What could you teach them here that they don't might have thought about when it comes to penetration and arousal?

Sure. So I think, I think it's really helpful to first of all just have a tiny little conversation, just a quickie about the vagina itself.

Let's do it.

Because now you've gotten the concept that we have as much erectile tissue as our male body. But partners. And it needs time to get fully engorged. The blood has to flow down to the pelvic bowl. It has to seep through the vaginal walls for lubrication. When women tell me they have lubrication issues, I think a lot of times it's just that they're rushing. Not that I don't love lubricants and I think you and I are really proponents of using excellent quality lubricants because you wouldn't put anything in your vagina that you wouldn't put in your mouth. And so I really like those, those excellent products. So that's important. But imagine a balloon that you're going to blow up and make a water balloon with one of those kind of little round ones with the neck and the little, you know, little, little rubbery end. That's what a vagina looks like. It has a little dimple in at the top, a little depression in where the cervix comes down into the vaginal balloon. I like to call it or cave. I don't call it a canal because when I think of a canal I think of it like a straight line. And I think there are a lot of people who think that a vagina is like an inside out penis and it's not at all. And so that friction that we see portrayed in pornography so commonly, we're going to just pound her into oblivion. You know.

I love a good pounding, but not till I've had intercourse for a couple of days. And I'm very, very plump and engorged and warmed up, and all that tissue is spongy.

So the entrance to the vagina is that that little round sphincter muscle. And it does not like things forced into.

Likes to be coaxed and pleasured open, like you're playing with it, as it's almost like a little eye or a little portal that wants circular motions and soft touch so that it relaxes, relaxes open. And the neck of the vagina, it really has a lot of mechanoreceptors that love that feeling of fullness, but especially as you age. Now I'm 62, having the best sex of my life with the most luscious, beautiful vulva I've ever had. More beautiful and engorged and delicious and orgasmic than when I was in my 20s and 30s. And that's because I do a lot of sexual biohacking. And I really take care of preventing atrophy or reversing atrophy as I age because I want that sex span so I can live longer and look 10 years younger than all my peers, which is what having.

You've done that.

Good intimacy shows. So have you. Good intimacy shows you that you can look younger than your peers because you're getting all the benefits of really great intimacy. And I didn't say sex with. Because I don't want people to go, I have to have intercourse three times a week because I'm still not convinced Susan Bratton's right, that I could have an orgasm. And I'm not going to tell my husband he can have sex three times a week. And I would give up being younger not to have to have that. You know, like we're still there with people. They don't believe us yet, Em.

No, we are, Susan. Now, how many times do you have from women? If I never had sex again, I'd be okay. Right now we're telling them three times a week, right? So. Yeah, exactly. Keep going.

So the entrance doesn't like as much friction. And one of the techniques that I'm going to share is something called thrust in time, which I really like because it's not all that in and out pumping. So then when you think about that balloon when the vagina gets aroused and that blood flow comes, the cervix and uterus pull up and the vagina tense. It's like you blew up the balloon. And when you are thinking about pleasuring, think about massage. Massage. If I gave you an upper neck and back and shoulder massage right now, Emily, if I sat you down in front of me and I put your hair up in your little bun, your beautiful hair, it looks so pretty today. And I got my beautiful massage oil out and I started working on your back and neck. I'm not going to rub the skin. You'd be like, susan Bratton's the worst massager in the world. What I'd be doing is I'd be going below the skin to that tissue. Below the skin. Well, the vagina wants the same thing because there's our urethral sponge at the top, which people call a G spot. But it's not a spot. It's a long tube. It's one of our two of our three erectile tissue structures. It's got the perineal sponge on the bottom of the vagina. That's our third structure. We've got our pudendal nerves that send pleasure throughout our body.

They're like pleasure escalators. And all around, the cervix loves to slowly be disarmored, unarmored and released into its pleasure. It wants to be petted like a little kitty. And deep past the cervix into the deep space of our womb, we like to have our lover be there and meet our. Meet our womb, our body, our shisham, our sacral chakra, our base note, the seat of our power. And so what's so lovely about all of that is that for women who are like, boy, that that just all sounds overwhelming. It's because it's never been touched. If you have a place anywhere. Because one of the things I love to teach is orgasmic activation, which is that maybe your clitoris is sensitive and you can give yourself an orgasm. Or maybe the, you know, the little part of your vagina is it feels good and you can get an orgasm. But if you can't, like stroke your little labia or massage and knead your outer labia or run your fingers along the mons and orgasm. From that, you can activate all the tissue on the outside, the vulva and the inside the vagina to be a hundred percent orgasmic.

Are you all taking notes? Stay right where you are. Because after a quick break from our sponsors, Susan helps me answer another lucky listener's question. We have all these nerve endings and all these pleasure spots inside of us externally, and we really don't explore them. We don't think about. If most of your experience has been the penis goes right inside of you and that's it. You, you're missing where all the magic is happening. We're talking about like yeah, like cross training. We're warming up all these areas, all these nerve endings, playing with them, you know, and there are areas we haven't touched. Right. So we're talking about awakening and giving, you know, ourselves permission and our partner's permission to really expand floor in different ways.

Yeah, exactly. I know there's a lot to it.

We don't even know it's possible.

I think it's all interesting, don't you?

Oh, I love it. Susan.

Yeah.

My God. Yes. I remember when we first met, I think it was like doing orgasmic meditation, you know, almost 20 years ago. Learning that like there's all these areas that we have to awaken and it's very, very exciting that we have so many nerve endings. But again, what we are told about sex and how we define sex isn't necessarily going to be the thing that's going to get us to all these areas. I really am enjoying how you're impacting. It's a lot though.

And I'm going to go through in rapid fire a bunch of techniques because I think then people are like, okay, you've laid the foundation, now give it to me. They want that they get, I love this foundation.

Let's get the techniques and then we can go into the orgasmic cross training. But I want to go back to. Maybe we could stick with Tom and help because he's on the edge of his seat now, he's dying to know, like, okay, what do I do? Like you say she's going to orgasm, I'm in. Susan, tell me what do we do that we're not doing?

So I'll go through them quickly because if you go to orgasmicintercourse.com there, there are links to all of the different techniques that I'm going to talk about. So really what I want to do right now is just give you like this range of ideas of what could be done. That's not the old in and out.

Thank you Susan.

Thank you.

So the very first one that I really like is something called the heart tongue technique. And this is something I teach male bodied partners and that is stop thinking about your penis like a piston and start thinking about it, start connecting it to your heart so that when you're inside your woman, you're actually sending your love out through your penis and into her body, but that instead of it being your penis, it's a tongue. So what I want you to do is I want you to lick the inside of the cave all over with. With the tip of your tongue. The next one that I really like is something that I call glissando. And glissando works really well in doggy style, particularly because you can get a good grip. Though it works well in cowgirl, too. And that's woman on top, and in this case, facing your partner. So kind of like she's on top, up above you, missionary style, if you would. So glissando is this notion that for a lot of penis owners, they are doing the movement, and we're either trying to meet them or we're lying there and receiving it. And glissando is the idea that when she's on her hands and knees and you're behind her, instead of you thrusting into her, you pull her onto you and you use some nice rhythms and rocking motions. The nervous system loves rocking, and it's very calming. And the notion of this glissando, what I want you to think about is glissando comes from harp music. It trills. It goes up and it goes down. It goes up and it goes down and it slides. It's really slippery and fluid. And for a lot of men, they're very stiff in their hips. And so the glissando, they can actually do better if they got tight, stiff psoas or what have you. They can. They don't know how to do the hip drop yet, but that's a thing you want to do. And the way you learn it is cat cow. You get down on your hands and knees, and you love the cat cow. You drop your belly down, and then you suck your belly up, and you drop your belly. That'll get that movement in your pelvic bowl, and it will calm down your urge to ejaculate because it relaxes everything. So it's a double benefit for guys to learn it.

We love it.

So glissando is really good because you're moving, moving her body on you. This, and that's very masculine because you're moving her body. When you move her body, you move her emotions. It's exciting for her.

What I was picturing when you were saying that is, you know, they're actually picturing them, like, sending the love and sending the energy in when they're having sex, like, which is another great image for them to think about. If it's the four Corners and where they're going, sending that into their partner. Because, you know, people get so distracted during sex and they're worried. But if you're actually thinking about, what am I channeling, where is this piston going? I think that could really kind of help with this connection, too.

It softens everything. It softens your heart, it softens your stroke and.

But not your penis.

The cave. No, it actually will make you harder because you're feeling the love. And that's a turn on. The other things that are fun are something that I call the thrust in time technique. And this is probably, I have to say, Emily, if there's one technique that I give away where I get the most exclamation points behind the thank yous, it's thrust in time. And thrust in time is an ancient Taoist practice that I brought into the 21st century for couples. And it's basically a 10 count. So it really helps guys actually slow down and not come too fast, which is one in four men feel like they have, quote, unquote, premature ejaculation. So. And that's a whole different show. I got a million things to say about that. But the, the, the thrust in time. You start out with the notion that there are short, shallow, slow strokes, and there are long, long, deep strokes. Slow, deep strokes. And you start out with nine slow, shallow strokes. You're feeling every molecule of her vagina on your penis so deliciously, you're not shooting in and coming out, you're just feeling. And that gives her that. The neck of that balloon loves that mechanoreceptor pressure. And so it's not friction. It's more like, I really feel like I've got a nice penis in me. But it's not like, ah, Coffin is pounding or too much stroking. And then the long stroke, the 10th stroke is deep, slow. And then it's eight short and two long, and then seven short and three long. And you can pick up the tempo a little if you want to, if she wants you to. And by 4 and 5 or 5 and 4, she's going to have an orgasm because you're toggling the nervous system. You've slowed down. You're feeling every stroke. It's not overwhelming her. She can fall into the rhythm. And when you do the short strokes and then you give her the long stroke, but then she doesn't get more. She reaches. You know about that from expanded orgasm, or you call it orgasmic meditation, which, by the way, I still have that practice for 20 years with Tim now three or four times a week we do it. So that makes her reach for it, which makes her get to climax faster, which is what all guys want. How do I make her come faster? It's like, just let that go. She will when you do these. So I like that thrust in time technique. And then I also think that for women, there are a couple of really, really nice ideas here that some women may know and others may not have come to this. But one of them is that.

You can give yourself a better orgasm or series of orgasms on his penis when you do what you want with it inside yourself. And at first you won't know what it is and you'll thrash around a little bit and you'll learn how to. You'll get that, you know, the mind connection to your vulva and you'll start to feel that. But practice makes perfect on cowgirl when you're on top, especially when he's pleasuring your breasts, which by the way, are also activated by touch. So if you're like, I don't know, my boobs, not so much. That's just right. Now try it, Learn it. Feel, feel it. Make the connections, the mind, body connections, open to your pleasure. And when he's looking in your eyes.

Yeah. Just to clarify that we're saying that if we think, oh, my nipples aren't sensitive, or it doesn't feel good, or I can't come during penetration, what we're saying is expand your mind right now. Expand what's possible for you. It might start to feel good. Right. With the right lover, the right partner, and you being, giving permission and allowing yourself to explore something new. Like forget everything you knew about your body. Right. Start over, start again.

Yes. Thank you. I like this concept where you're on top of him, he's pleasuring your breasts, he's looking in your eyes, and he's telling you what he loves about you. How sexy you are, how beautiful you are. He's encouraging you, he's telling you it's feeling great to him that we need. Sex is sensual. Sensual means senses. You have to use your eyes, your ear, ears, your touch, your taste, your smell. Where your body is in space. That's the sixth sense, your proprioception. And so the whole idea of you being in control, practice that you will start having orgasms. But then if you're strong and you're taking good care of your body, you can actually get up on your feet instead of on your knees, you can get on your feet. That's what I call my squatting tiger. Bouncing lion, if he holds your hands and you're kind of up on your haunches and you're sliding back and forth on your penis to your cowgirl pleasure, it feels really good because then you're in more of that glissando experience. You can do the shorts and the longs and you can slide. And that's really nice when you're in control. As the vulva owner, as the vagina owner, one more thing I want to say about the vulva or the vagina is that, um, it's nice to do the. The closing down and the tightening up, but it's also nice to, like, in glissando, completely open and push out, similar to what you need to do when you're trying to have female ejaculatory pleasure. When you open and you think about your vagina and your vulva like a lotus blossom, and you're unfurling the petals as you get more and more turned on. On. And when you open your vagina when it's fully engorged, it is the most velvety, pleasurable sensation. Once you've gotten all that tissue activated, a lot of women never even think about pushing out. They just hold in. And so that's a really good, like, sex hack. You know, it's a.

Well, let's talk about pushing out. He's like, you're talking about, like, the bearing down, pushing out, doing a Kegel kind of thing. Like, explain that more. So what you mean.

I'm talking about how your yoni is a flower and how there's your outer labia and your inner labia and that ventroidal sphincter. And inside there, right at the entrance is the G area and the perineal sponge. And the G area, actually, as it gets engorged, it kind of opens and blossoms and presents out of the vagina. And when that all opens, then you can get all that tissue just beautifully stimulated, relaxed, and you're opening to your partner, and they'll feel it.

Susan, let's get into squirting, because you mentioned squirting, and I knew that with you, we are on the show, we had to cover one of the topics that is asked so often, but also, really, there's so much misinformation about this confusion about it. There's a lot of desire for it. So let's just talk about this. And I think we can start with Catherine. She's 25 in Washington, D.C. hey, Dr. Emily. I love your show. So my boyfriend, I've been together for four years, and I Do not think that I've had one orgasm from him orally with fingers or penetrative. And it's something he strides for. He's made me squirt before, but I don't feel anything except the release of liquid. So tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like they should be different. Because of this, I've started trying masturbation first with my fingers and then a mini vibrator. The vibrator gives me a feeling that spreads out from the my stomach through my hips and dies in my legs. Is this my orgasm? Do you ejaculate every time with an orgasm? Help me. I think first to say that she's not sure she has to orgasm with him. Now I'm not sure she's ever had an orgasm. And then she's got questions about squirting and liquid. And first off, I think you probably noticed this as well, is that people weren't really talking about squirting as much 20 years ago. But then since porn was available like in her pocket and people are talking about it, a lot of people think it's very aspirational, operational. There's a lot of bull owners who are being pressured, I think by their partners to have it because it seems like it's the holy grail of sex. And I just want to say that yes, we can all learn it, but also that women can release fluid and squirt without having an orgasm. You can orgasm and not squirt. We should probably talk about here, like you get into squirting, but she's also wording if she's had an orgasm. So, you know, we kind of covered a lot about orgasm. But how can we help Catherine here understand her orgasms and squirting?

Yeah, well, she's on the right track. Good job, Katherine. You've gotten yourself fingers and a mini vibrator. And I think that is fabulous. There's a couple of things. Keep at it. I'm not sure that the mini vibrator is going to be enough for you. I have a feeling there's some what we call armoring, which is that you've been frustrated and you're not feeling like you're making enough progress and maybe you're not feeling the sensation and so you might need a more powerful tool to get you started. What I find is for women who are struggling to achieve orgasm, she really needs to get a lot of deep rumbly sensation into all of that tissue. I'd like her to self pleasure first just by giving herself a yoni massage with Some really nice sex oil. I'd like her to. To rub her whole vulva. I'd love her to rub across her mons because that's the gateway, actually, to female ejaculation. I don't like the word squirting. It's a porn term, female ejaculation. Releasing your feminine waters, your amrita, your divine nectar. These are more kind words for us to understand that this is a very, very cleansing, GR grounding, beautiful experience for a woman. So this whole notion that you see on porn of, you know, these guys putting the hammer down on the G area so that it just ejaculates some liquid, that's not pleasure, that's just a party trick. So, you know Tallulah Solis, I, whom I know you also know, and I have been teaching people the beautiful experiences of G spot awakening and female ejaculation for, God, 15 years together now. She's a beautiful somatic sexologist. It's just all about getting everything moving. And you literally want to get your vulva, the outside, the mons, across the top, like basically where your pubic hair is. Rub that till it's like jello, like gelatin under there, get it liquidy and stroke the top of your clitoris, the shaft, which is actually underneath the hood. And don't just go straight for the glands of the clitoris. Just activate all of that area and inside the vaginal sphincter, that soft rosebud touch that. Touch the rosebud around where your pee pee comes out your urethral exit between the labia. Put your fingers inside and gently, gently stroke yourself with lots of oil. Pleasure your nipples and breasts. Make the space in your house nice. Put a fresh towel under you. Get the lubes that you love. Put the music on, get nice lighting. Honor and cherish yourself to your own awakening. Have your lover give you yoni massages and do exactly those same things. On betterlover.com which is kind of my hub, there is a whole series of yoni massage videos where I tell you all kinds of things you guys can do, you can do to yourself, you can have your partner do to you. And I would recommend that you just really slow down and allow your body to just kind of like let go of that fear that's holding you back and that almost that wounding and numbness that you're feeling when things haven't been lovingly pleasured. When you're nervous, it feels dead and numb and distant. What you've got to do is bring your heart connection to your pleasure and let your Yoni talk to you. When you allow yourself to listen to her and she starts talking to you, your Yoni, your vulva and vagina. When you let Yoni speak to you and you hear her, she'll tell you, she will guide you as to where the place pleasure is, where the sensitivity is, where the fear is. You just have to let that go. I remember when Tim was my. My husband, Sir Tim, 30 years, as M said, when we were first finding my orgasm and he was stroking my G spot, one of the sounds I made was like a train went through the room. And then you cry. You're going to cry. And all that is is just letting go of all this religious repression, all this misinformation, all this shame, not having names for our parts, not understanding how they like to be touched, feeling like we're not enough, feeling we're alone. You will let that go. I'm giving myself goosebumps for you, Catherine. I know you are on the precipice of incredible pleasure. That's going to get better your whole life. Just start with that stuff and then just keep learning. You can do it, my girl. You can do it.

Susan, thank you so much for all that. I mean, I feel like women just need to connect with them. There's so much power and soul and depth and connection and ancestral trauma that lives in our bodies, in our vulva. And when we start to our vagina and when we start to masturbate solo, play solo sex, I mean, this is more of like the depth and embodiment of it to really get in there, massage, get to know your own body, bring your partner into it, and then we'll get to everything else. But since she's new and it looks like she hasn't maybe had an orgasm before, getting to really know herself on this deep level could be just what she needs before she gets to the squirting right. It's like we're all trying to, you know, like if we're playing a game, we don't even have the cards dealt yet. People are already at the end of it. It's like, no, we got to start with the roots, the foundation here. What are all the pieces before we even start. So we're kind of helping her understand. Katherine, we want you to get to know your body and bringing your partner into this as well.

There's one more little tip, too, that I was thinking about, and that it's super simple and powerful. It's one of those little hacky hacks. It's. I call it the lips Nips clit axis. And that is that when you play with your boobs and nipples and you have a hot makeout and you play with your yoni, there's two ways you get. This engorm that we've been talking about on the show, which is ground zero for your absolute pleasure, is getting enough time to get the blood flow into your genitals. And when you kiss, it activates your yoni, and it starts the arousal process. When you play with your breasts and nipples, it activates the yoni, and it starts all the blood filling into the tissue. It's an everted erection.

Thank you for laying this all out for us. So we really need to just slow down and understand that we're not broken because we are not going from zero to 60, that it's actually the way our equipment works. We have to learn this information. This is imperative for us to be great lovers to ourselves and our partners. You're not broken that you can't just warm up. You have to learn to awaken all the tissues. I think that's a theme today. Taking everything all the. We were so lucky, right, to have those vulvas, vaginas, to have this body. No one ever taught us how to operate this machinery. Like, we're walking around with these incredible, you know, vessels and machinery on us that we have to understand how to. How to, like, tune it up, turn it on, right? I always think about, like, growing up in Michigan, right, where we used to have to be. Like, we just want to start at the gas, right? When it was, like, snowing outside, and you couldn't even wait for it to warm up. Like, think about that. Like, you couldn't get in the car and drive. So think about your whole body has to be want. It's imperative. It's crucial to know this, to understand this process. Susan, thank you so much for all of this information, all these details. Like, it's so helpful to kind of reset and for people to reclaim and understand that the really that's the power is in their hands, that they can start where they are today, understand their bodies or nerve endings. I want to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests.

Okay, But I don't like quickies.

Ready?

I won't even.

That's for the next.

With me. Because he's like, it takes you 30 minutes to get turned on. I'm not having a quick year. You'll just. Your yoni will get a chip on her shoulder. She'll get a hold grudge against me. We're all about the slow, long pleasure, but all right, I'll do quickies with you, Em.

Thank you, Susan. Okay, what is your biggest turn on?

Depends on the day, man. I mean, whatever is the latest thing that's turning me on on Lately it's been anal sex. I have a boyfriend who is like the ass man. I've always said if there's something about sex you don't like, it's just that you haven't had enough time to do it. It hasn't been done well to you. You haven't had the right partner for it. But I have this new boyfriend and he really knows what he's doing, and it's just such a deep and exquisite pleasure. It's like.

I love it so much. So that's what's currently turning me on.

I love it, Susan. Okay, biggest turn off.

Grab her by the pussy.

I'm with you. What makes good sex?

Communication and education.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

They keep getting better your whole life long if you put your attention on them and keep having erotic play dates to learn new things.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That it takes women 20 to 30 minutes for their tissue to get as full and rich of blood as their male body partners and everybody needs to slow down.

I love it. Thank you so much, Susan. Where can everyone find you and all of your wonderful materials and information and books and everything?

BetterLover.com is a great place to just kind of get on my email newsletter, look at all my videos, etc. And then you can always slide into my DMs on Instagram as well. Well, and if you want to ask me any questions and you're on my newsletter, if you would just reply to anything I send you, I personally get it and I will answer you.

Susan, that's amazing. Thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you, friend. Thank you. It's been such a pleasure.

Yay. Mine too. Thank you so much. Love you bunches.

That's it for today's episode.

Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please.

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It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok.

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