The Hottest Episodes of 2022

I need to be turned on before I want to have sex. He can want to have sex before being turned on, right? That in and of itself is a mind blowing thing to understand about the two of us.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual as the year comes to an end, what are the biggest revelations you've had when it comes to pleasure? What's something new you've learned that has redefined your sex life now and in the new year? To answer this, I turn to you, the Sex with Emily community for a roundup of the best of the best. From oral secrets to solo sex, your sex language and your sex fantasies. Well, these are some of my favorite moments from the episodes you listen to the most this year. Consider this your year end send off from Sex with Emily with Love Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So as the year comes to the end, I want you to think about what have you learned when it comes to sex and pleasure? And what would you like to see more of in the new year? Hopefully this show is going to ground you in some pleasurable intentions. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how to write your new Year's sex resolutions is up@sexwithemily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me your questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily or call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-82-5573. Today's episode is presented by Magic Wand. And before we get into the show, I want to tell you a little bit about the Magic Wand Plus. As you already know, huge fan of Magic Wand. I have been for years. They are the original Wand style massager that's become a true cultural icon named the little black dress of vibrators by Cosmopolitan while the Magic Wand plus expands on their iconic original model featuring a removable cord that makes this version perfect for travel. It it also offers the same strong four intensity levels, easy to clean silicone head and strong flexible neck of the original plug in Wand. I love the Magic Wand for myself for a couple's play. I never leave home without it. All right everyone enjoy the show.

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As you listen to the show, you'll hear us explore a lot of ideas for evolving your sex life in a more stimulating direction. First, expect NRE or new relationship energy to wear off. It's not a sign that anything's wrong or that you don't want each other anymore that you should end the relationship. Believe me, I used to think that. I thought if I didn't want to have sex with them in the same way I did, you know, during the honeymoon phase, and it should be over. No, this is where the work begins. But it's fun work. It just means that we have to understand different ways for activating arousal. Once the novel becomes familiar, that's what happens. It's going to happen to all of us. The reality is you're not going to be turned on the minute your partner walks in the room. Especially if you've been together for a while. You have to create that spark and, and the tension. Okay? That's the work. Do you ever think about it, like, why don't we talk about sexual fantasies? Why don't we share these with our partner? Are you embarrassed? Are you afraid that they're really taboo? Well, here's the thing I want to tell you about fantasies. First off, almost everyone has them. And if you don't have them, well, I'm going to inspire you and let you know how you can sort of channel your fantasies, but it gives us valuable data like when we know what our fantasies are, well then we know what turns us on. So I wanted to ask you, I went to you, our sex filming community and I asked you on Instagram, tell me, tell us what are your go to sexual fantasies. And we got so many responses, it was quite amazing. So here's a success story that we got from Mike, 36 in Denver. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your show for a short period of time and during the weekend I used your suggestion. I overcame my fear and explained to my wife of eight years and that I'm a submissive by nature. And I gave her permission to make our sex life more about her pleasure and to be dominant in nature. Her reaction was incredibly positive. And since then we've discussed a number of topics I would never have imagined we would have discussed. This time last week she's already started to incorporate small acts of dominance into our play and she is worryingly lol unnatural. I can't wait to see where this leads. All right, I love this story. Thank you Mike for letting me know this. And I just want to like highlight something here. His wife of eight years, he couldn't have imagined a week ago that she would have been willing to live out his fantasy. And all he did was have a conversation with her. He's a listener to the show, so he did it honestly. And he probably followed by 3T's timing, tone and turf. And he knew how to talk about it. But let me remind you that talking about fantasies and sharing your authentic turn ons with your partner, really, it helps enhance intimacy and helps with your communication in every other area of your relationship. You know, you both were trying roles that you weren't used to and seeing your partner trying something new that's actually about your pleasure is really a turn on. And I'm sure it's going to enhance other areas of your relationship as well. This is from Scott, 51 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily. My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We're both in our early 50s. I still have a high sex drive and she really doesn't have. We talked recently and she understands, she's trying. I respect and appreciate that. But what is still missing is fulfilling my fantasies. She never asks, never tries, even though she knows some of them because I've told her, but there's no effort, no desire or passion for fulfilling them. She never has fantasies, desires or anything. She's happy with the basics of what we do. I Want more. I've always just accepted the status quo, but I'd really like more and don't know how to go about it. Is it normal for her to have no desires or fantasies? I want her to have wants and desires so I can make them a reality. I brought toys, and she was okay with one of them. And another one she tossed back to me and said she was tired and wanted to sleep. And one of them's been in my nightstand for two and a half years, and she's never asked me about it. I buy lingerie, she doesn't wear it. Not her style. I'm like, it's new. Let's try it. Nope. I'm feeling stuck wanting more and knowing it will never happen. I've never heard of people not having fantasies before and not wanting to do them for a partner. She doesn't need to try all of them, but maybe a couple of them. Just looking for advice on what to do next help. All right, thank you for your question, Scott. Wow, you've been together for 26 years, so congratulations on that. And first, I'm wondering, what was your sexual relationship like at the beginning of the relationship? Did it sort of wane over time? Have you ever been able to talk to her about your sex life previously and there were some improvements, or are you just starting right now 26 years in? Because we all get really, really set in our ways. You have to remember that you guys have a dynamic going. And I'm going to think that she wants to be a great lover to you. I just make these assumptions. If we're with partners for a while and we're loving and we care about them, she probably does want that for you. But maybe she doesn't really understand how to go about it. Sometimes when we lob these requests to our partners and we're like, hey, let's do these fantasies, or, hey, let's try something new in the bedroom. They're just like, yeah, I might, or I would, or. Or maybe even no. What it sounded to me is like she just doesn't want to talk about sex. She's not really interested in it right now. That's why it might take a little bit of therapy and some help with somebody who can help facilitate these conversations so you can really get to the bottom of, like, what is it about talking about sex? What is it about trying new things in the bedroom? You know, maybe there are some triggers around it. Maybe she thinks that you're going to want to do things that might be against something that she believes in. I'm not sure what those are. Maybe she feels bad about her body right now. Maybe she's having some pain. You know, I remember there was a caller once who just said he kept trying and trying and he was on the brink of divorce with his partner for years. He was like, babe, what do you want to do? And what's going on? And she wouldn't talk about it. And finally she was like, I have pain. I have pain during sex, and I was too afraid to tell you. And sure enough, they went. She went to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. She went and got in hormone replacement therapy. And she was able to be an incredible sexual lover to him. And they were having sex way more frequently and they didn't end up getting divorced. So sometimes there's things going on that we don't even know about. So I'm wondering if the approach here would be to talk to her about stuff that lessons to do with your fantasy life and more to do with what is going to turn around sexually. Like maybe we need to scale it back, so maybe taking the pressure off of her to kind of fulfill some sexual fantasy, but to kind of start with ground zero and say, let's just commit that after all these years together, we both want to be great lovers to each other and we both want to, you know, figure out ways to enhance our intimacy and make sure that we can continue going the distance for another 25 years. One way to rekindle desire in your relationship is simply by better understanding it. Dr. Jennifer Freed seeks to do just that in her book A Map to youo Soul. For more on Jennifer Freed, follow her on Instagram and Twitter rjenniferfried and on her website jenniferfreed.com Dr. Jennifer Freed, welcome to the show. I am so excited to see you here. I feel like you exist between two worlds. One is psychology, which is broadly accepted. Right. And you have like that depth of knowledge of psychology from all these years. And the other is astrology, which is. Which is not as widely accepted. And some people think it's a pseudoscience. And I think I wasn't. Didn't really even understand it before I really met you. So this whole book is kind of giving tools on how we can see this in ourselves and different activities we can do to actually ground in it.

Yes. In my dream, I have a big dream that people will get together as families, couples, groups, organizations, and do a lot of these exercises together. Because to really love somebody is to know them.

So how can couples. Those are. I love the Real examples you give in the book though, of couples too. Like how they.

Yeah, yeah.

They would figure out, okay, well, I.

Think part of it is when you take these inventories in A Map to youo Soul, the eighth chapter on sex. Then you begin to have outside the bedroom. Cause as you've pointed out in the middle of sex is not the good time.

It's not the time.

Talking about. That's when people feel really ashamed and self conscious. So when you're outside the bedroom, just like at dinner, you'd be talking about this great movie you saw. Do the inventories and really get to know better. What pleases you, what pleases your lover. I know a lot of people have no idea about any of this about themselves. They've never thought about it, Never.

See, this is what I love, is that it's so practical that you get into the nuance. Like their partner might say to them, I'm bored or let's spice it up. And people have never no idea where to start. So to just even read this last assessment of like, oh, I get a rationale. Partner's mind. Good to know, babe, we haven't talked about anything interesting lately. That's why I'm not turned on. Right, Exactly. Like I like to be touched everywhere. But you haven't touched me everywhere in months. So I think that people are gonna have some major breakthroughs just by you giving them these examples. To know what? Because most people know there's a problem, they know how to fix it. So what I love is they'll be like, oh, I. None of these things are happening. So no wonder why I don't want to have sex.

And also, I think a lot of people are more willing to have greater sex if they don't feel to blame. You know, a lot of what shuts me down or shuts anyone down is if I feel inadequate, if I somehow am guessing it's not me that can change this thing. It's kind of out of my hands. But if you actually talk to somebody and start to understand their sex life language, your sex language, or even start understanding your own. Like when I was writing, fantasizing about sex. I'm just going to give some examples now. You know, for a lot of people, they don't actually want to reveal some of their fantasies because they feel scared, threatened, or they'll be rejected. But if you do these exercises, you can kind of just say, well, fire. I like to imagine powerful scenarios. I like to imagine dangerous scenarios. I like to imagine victory scenarios. I like to imagine highly creative Scenarios. I like to imagine worship scenarios. That's fire. And remember, there was all that talk about how so many women love to fantasize being raped and dominated. Well, that's very fire. But that's not the whole picture. That's just fire.

Earth.

I like to imagine sultry sex. I like to imagine long and gorgeous seductions. I like to imagine being savored. I like to imagine intense seduction sensuality. I like to imagine a slow and steady buildup. Air. I like to imagine montages of union. I like to imagine equal pleasure. I like to imagine ideal bodies. I like to imagine rebellious scenarios. I like to imagine sexy conversations and spoken words and then water. I like to imagine psychic sex. I like to imagine ideal intimacy and sharing. I like to imagine absolute vulnerability. So again, if people just go through the fantasies, they don't have to say, well, I'm fantasizing about our neighbor, period. You know, the stuff that's threatening. But you can say, these are the kinds of fantasies I have. And all of a sudden, the partner gets a closer look at, like, what's actually in that person's soul.

Vanessa Bennett and John Kim are therapists, and they'd be the first to tell you that keeping the spark alive is hard, even for those who've made a career of helping others with these same exact issues. Follow Vanessa on Instagram and Twitter Vanessa Bennett. And follow John at the Anger Therapist for more. Thank you for being here. Vanessa Bennett and John Kim. Your new book, it's not me, it's you. Break the blame cycle relationship better. So let's move into the fanning the flames. Your chapter, I just gotta read it for everyone. Cause I was like, oh, yes, we're gonna go there. So John says the book is a he said, she said where. Which I love is that you guys tackle these really important issues in every chapter that I think anyone in a relationship is going to deal with. But then you get John's perspective and then Vanessa's, which are sometimes conflicting or complimentary, and you can kind of see yourselves in both of you, which I love. John says, when Vanessa and I first started to get intimate, I asked her if I could slap her. While we were making out, about to have sex, she looked at me and very seriously said, if you slap me, I'm going to slap you back. In that moment, I knew we spoke very different languages in the bedroom. I like a little kink. She likes long massages. That's what I have. I could keep going. But, yeah, tell me more about that.

I mean, I want to Start by saying, I'm a New Yorker, so I'm very blunt and direct.

I love it.

I don't need a sex dungeon, but I do like a little kink. You know, in the beginning, you're exploring. It's hot and heavy. It's a honeymoon. And so I just pulled that card out. I was like, hey, you can slap me. And she's like, no, well, you can, but I'm going to slap you back. And I was like, oh, it doesn't work that way. And I knew in that second that, okay, there's going to be a journey here. There's going to have to be exploration, compromise. She's not into some of the things that I'm into.

Well, I.

Let me stop you, though. It's not necessarily that I'm not into the things that you're into. I think what it is is that I need to feel more emotional safety before I can. Well, actually it's one or the other. Either I can be like I was in my 20s and have one night stands that I kind of did some of that crazier stuff, but I didn't care. Or now that I'm with somebody that I care about, I need to feel a little bit more emotionally safe before I can go there.

So are you saying that now that you do feel safe? I can.

Is that was my next question.

So you're saying there's a chance.

As long as I can slap you back, we're fine.

Not hot for John.

Emily, I don't want to be one of us. Has to be the. The dominant one of us. Just as role play.

The masculine, feminine too. If someone has to lead and someone has to follow, there's the polarities or then nothing's happened, right? If you're both laying there waiting to be slapped, in a sense, someone has to lead a father, whether it's a slap or a kiss or something. So maybe it's not that kind of kink. But what I think a lot of couples, and what you talk about too is how you sort of found different desire styles, right? You kind of like how you guys have figured out your desire and your arousal and how you get turned on. So however you. What. What has been the journey with that. Because it's very common that someone's like, my partner wants to choke me or my partner wants to talk dirty. And I don't. I mean, it's one of the most common things that happens with sex and it's compromised. It's a lot of talking. It's, you know, so Maybe you could share more about that.

I. I will say that desire types was really mind blowing for me when I found out about this concept, and this is a new discovery in the last year of this idea of spontaneous versus responsive desire. I was floored and it normalized so much for me.

Right.

So I'm sure you've talked about this before on your podcast, but knowing that most men, 75% of men rank as spontaneous and about 75% of women rank as responsive. Responsive. And so I need to be turned on before I want to have sex. He can want to have sex before being turned on.

Right.

That in and of itself is a mind blowing thing to understand about the two of us. So if I come home and John has like cooked dinner and done the dishes, I'm so much more already like, prone to being like, oh, I'm feeling seen, I'm feeling taken care of, my love language, his acts of service. I'm starting to get those wheels turning. I'm more open to being sexual.

Right.

He's not like that.

Yeah. And it's the chicken or the egg because if I'm getting a lot of sex, I will definitely make dinner and wash the car and mow the lawn and do a lot of acts of service just because I'm now elevated. I feel loved and feel connected. So it's like, how do we create this where it's feeding into each other instead of one person waiting for the other person to do it and then it's just kind of a.

There's never happens. That is really tricky. But really it's just a matter of talking about it and like, knowing yourselves, I suppose, and being like. I realize now it's been a week or two and I'm kind of getting to get the sense in my body that we probably need more of a connection right now or. It's planning it. It's planning for sex. It's knowing that if we go this whole week without it, I know this is how I'm going to feel on Sunday. And. And then Vanessa can say, well, this is. I don't know if you're asking for advice now, but I would say that it's. It's really about planning. It's really about, like, we know what this week is going to look like or this next month. How do we find time where it's going to feel good for both of us. We're taking a quick break, but when we come back, more of the best episodes from the past year. So don't go anywhere.

Second, are you Taking responsibility for your own pleasure. Think about it. How can we expect anyone else to know what we like in bed if we don't know it ourselves? So if you want better coupled sex, invest heavily in your solo sex routine. Get to know your turn ons, get to know what feels good, pay attention to your body. And it doesn't have to just be during masturbation. It could just be, you know, when you're in the shower and you're sudsing up, like where does it feel good to be touched? You know, what are your arousal zones? We have so many different parts of our body that feel good. So just start becoming an expert in your own body and what it wants. This is from Ryan, 30 in UConn. Hey there Dr. Emily. I've recently been referred to your podcast by a good friend and I cannot get enough. So I'd like to start with the fact that I'm so very grateful. Thank you. Now into it. I've always had a hard time staying hard while receiving oral. I love receiving and giving, but I find myself much harder while giving. I am consistently trying to learn and develop as a lover and my current partner really enjoys giving oral. I love it when she goes down to me. Such a turn on to see how she enjoys it. However, like mentioned before, I'm unable to stay hard most time while receiving. Our current workaround is a 69, which is kind of a win win. However, I want to be able to stay hard for her without needing her vulva in my face to do so. In my sexual past, I've climaxed no more than 10 times from oral and most of those were in a higher risk of being caught situations. So I'm wondering if you have any tips or tricks on helping me stay hard. I've also been visualizing and daydreaming about it while gently touching myself, envisioning me being hard and calming to orgasm. Yet when in the act, I still lose it. Thanks a ton. Your show and the space you create for freedom of sexual expression is a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much Ryan for your question. I appreciate you so much. You really like receiving and there's some kind of thing that's happening in your mind that it's hard for you to receive. Maybe in your life you've always had to be the giver, you've always had to take care of things. You are a super attentive person. It doesn't feel good to have all the attention on you. I think that for a lot of penis owners they were raised in environments where they have to be in charge. They have to know everything that's going on. And when it comes to sex, well, they know the way around a woman's body. They have to know how to please somebody. They have to finish at the right time. They have to stay hard the whole time. They have to always be raring and ready to go for sex. Do you realize how much pressure there is on the society of penis owners to be just rare to go at all times into hard? So I think that there might be some of that that I'm hearing here, and we have to undo that conditioning. So we got to rewire some programming in your brain. And I'm telling you, breathing, breath, work. Breathing, breathing. Breathing is one of the most important things you can do during sex. In fact, I know someone who had very similar situations. You, someone that I was actually with. And he realized that he held his breath the whole time during sex, during. When he was receiving all of it. And when you, like, really, truly learn to breathe. And deep into your pelvic floor, it calms down your nervous system, and it allows you to truly, like, lie back and relax. So you know how you're doing this visualizing of you being hard, I would visualize you breathing. Deep breathing. There's a great app called breath, and it's a free app in the app store, and I download it, and I just do three minutes of breathing every day. So it's a great way to practice. Just a lot of us are shallow breathers. And so for my friend, he was able to stay harder and ejaculate in ways that he wasn't able to in the past because he learned to breathe. Because when we're not breathing, oftentimes we're clenching and we're in our heads worrying that something is wrong. I feel like the breath is also going to help with the anxiety because you probably have some anxiety around this. So do you know when it happens? Can you pinpoint, like, the moment. Moment that you start to lose your erection? Because sometimes the fear of that is what's going to actually make you soft. This is going to take some work on your own. Like, I'd love you to practice some mindful masturbation. Practicing your breath. And the key is, like, understanding your own body, like, during solo exploration. And then you can communicate your needs to your partner. All right. I hear from you all the time about orgasms, and a lot of times you're in a state of desperation. Dr. Emily, help. I can't orgasm with my partner. Or help. I've Never had an orgasm before. If you've never had one and you have a vulva. Because again, I don't hear from any penis owners who've never had an orgasm. So what I do hear it from vulva owners and then their partners who are like, why can't my vulva owning partner have an orgasm? So let's get into it. You got to train for it. Yes, there are some vulva owners who had intercourse, penetrative sex, and they were able to have an orgasm. But that is rare. And even if it does happen that way, I highly recommend masturbation to help develop our own neural pathways to pleasure. Understand how you're going to have an orgasm. What works for you without the pressure of someone staring over your shoulder and saying, are you there yet? Are you there yet? It's really hard to have an orgasm for the first time when someone's just kind of waiting there and staring at you and trying to help, but you're like, I don't even know what I'm looking for, you know? And culturally there is a sort of social expectation that young penis owners, young men, young, are gonna start training their orgasms, they're gonna start finding their orgasms younger than vulva owners, younger than young girls. And that's why we get this question, because we have some catch up to do. We glorify men masturbating and their penises on the outside of their body. And there's just so many things that in media that talk about, well, men are gonna masturbate and women, no, we never see it anywhere. So it makes sense why so many vulva owners are still kind of trying to figure it out. There's also the orgasm gap. Let me remind you that there is a disparity and inequality in orgasms between vulva and penis owners. So for example, in heterosexual relationships, penis owners take about four to six minutes to orgasm. Let's just say on average a vulva owner takes between 10 and 40 minutes. I find that to be more like 15 to 20 and 40 minutes. That is a huge gap. And that's why there's such orgasm disparity. And there's also been, studies show that that time and time again, penises are just going to orgasm. It's not as hard for you. It's something you've been practicing for and it's going to happen. It might take you a little bit longer and you might come before you want to, but you're going to orgasm. Heterosexual penis owners orgasm the most during sex. And amongst vulva owners, lesbians orgasm the most. So that means that vulva to vulva, they know what's going on and they know how to please each other. So I hope that's inspiring to you because if you have a vulva and you haven't orgasmed yet, it just means that you need to be your own best partner right now. You need to be patient, you need to take the time with yourself. And I want to remind you that only 20% of vulva owners orgasm during penetration. That's important. Another reason why to focus on masturbation so you can explain to your partner, this is how I like to be touched. I really like oral sex. This is how you can use your hands, but we gotta be responsible for our own orgasms. Finally, a great sex life has to do with your body and your mind. In other words, it's not just physical, it's deeply psychological too. But don't let that scare you. The psychological part, that's just gonna help you understand that it's more complex than just what's going on in your body. Here is Shaun T. Sharing his inspiring journey to self acceptance and how it has unlocked a whole new level of pleasure. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter Shaun T. Or find him on his podcast Trust and Believe. Shaun T. Welcome to the show. You are a. I can see why. Beloved podcast host and fitness celebrity. And you motivate people and now you're motivating me. I want to go back to something you were talking about, Embodiment, which we. I talk about a lot on the show about like being connected. A lot of us are disconnected and I think you see that too during your work of training people. And we're so focused on the end goal. Like, I'm going to lose five pounds. I'm going to be ripped. But it's like a disconnect, right? From like our head to our heart. Like it's the way we breathe. Shallow sometimes. And so what has been that journey for you? Because I know you talked about your growing up and you had sexual abuse growing up. And then I think what you were saying, that when your partner grabs your butt, that first you might have a trigger back to your childhood. Right. Abuse that you said happened in that way. And so I'm wondering what that process was of sort of learning to kind of connecting to your body again and disassociating it from the trauma.

Yeah, it was really, really interesting because there was definitely a response, like a physical response of fear, perspiration, anger was like the first thing. And it made me feel really bad. Especially when my spouse did it. I have friends that would like to see me, and they would just smack me in the butt. They're like, oh, my gosh, it's so amazing, right? And I would just, like, I would basically relive those moments of being abused. But the process of was therapy. And I know it sounds very redundant for people, but it was talking through the layers of what it felt like. And I'm gonna go here, Emily. My first day, the very first time I was sexually abused, Mama Lester, who was a man, tried to put his penis in my butt. So, like, my entire. That entire region where I learned through therapy is, like, clenched and stressed when I was a kid. And I'm a go here because I want people to really understand the depth of this. Like, I would not go to the bathroom, a number two, for like, eight or nine days. And when I would go would just be a tremendous amount of pain, right? So, like, I went through this entire process of really being clinched and stressed to make the first step was being able to be, like, okay, like, having a healthy digestive system, understanding that I had to, like, really have a good relationship with going to the bathroom, which people probably never experienced before. Then the next part was, you know, accepting my body and knowing that this is a part of your body and it's not separated from everything else, because my butt was separated. It was a fear. It was a trigger. It was this thing that's when I really got into the fitness industry. And I was like, this is a part of my genetic makeup. And, you know, I would used to joke around with my mom. I used to like, thanks, mom, for the booty. It was like those little silly things that made me accept, okay, this is it. Then there was the getting past the sexual abuse when it came to sex. And so this was huge. So for the longest time in my relationship, I didn't enjoy gay male sex. You use your bottom, and I didn't enjoy being a bottom. Like, there was no way I could relax into that. Like, even after I got okay with my husband touching my butt, I was like, okay, I'll do this for you. But it was always just, like, moment of non pleasure. But the emotional pleasure of pleasing my husband. It was, like, so crazy. It was always so emotional to the point where he helped me work through that. And now I'm completely free of, like, what you want to do, how you want to touch it, you want to lay on it, you want to use it as a pillow, you want to use it as a night pillow. Like, so it was all of that work and all of that process, but the phases of it were minor. And me telling Scott, okay, you can touch my butt now. And then having relapse moments of that of, like. And then getting to the point where I would have an internal relapse moment, but I wouldn't show it to him. And that was the next level of saying, okay. Like, this is okay. Like, you're not hurt. You're not in a dark room anymore. Like, to the point now where I'm just like, I cannot believe you didn't touch my butt today. I'm over it.

Thank you so much for sharing the story. Because sexual trauma is so common, and I hear from a lot of people, like your story. And then I hear from a lot of vulva owners who are like, you know, have sexual pain, right? Because it's a clenching, it's a constricting. So if they've had sexual assault or trauma, they have something called vaginismus or vestibulodynia, and there's all these nerve endings in their whole life. Like, it's painful. And until you go into therapy and understand, for me and for many people, EMDR therapy, trauma therapy has been helpful. I'm not sure what it sounds like, talking through and just noticing the parts, so. And noticing where you have the pain and that it's all possible. So what a great example for people who are still sort of working through a lot of this stuff. Because if you don't deal with it, though, in therapy, it really just does, you know, whatever you resist, persists, and it really would stay with you if you hadn't done this work and had a loving partner, that you could actually work through the stages, because it's not. You don't just decide, and then it's gone. So thank you for taking the time to explain that. I do appreciate that a lot. I probably recommend therapy to you all at least once per episode, if not more. I've been going to therapy for years, as I've talked to you about. And I actually asked my listeners, we asked on Instagram, and I just found this fascinating. You guys are brilliant. You really were able to encapsulate how therapy has helped you. But I saw some common themes that I thought might be inspiring for you, because they sure were for me. So some of the answers are, learning compassion for yourself. That's a big one. Learning to go easy on yourself. A lot of you said boundaries. Setting boundaries with everyone in your life is important, must. And you learn that through therapy. This was Another key takeaway, that therapy allowed myself, someone said here to actually feel emotions instead of seeing them as being too much. You know, we are not taught how to feel emotions by most of our caregivers. They're not expressing emotions. Their parents didn't express emotions. And so a lot of us block them, we keep them inside. But learning to say like, not only is it okay for me to express my emotions, but I'm not too much, it doesn't make me too much for others. In fact, I will find people in my life who will welcome my emotions. But first we have to welcome them and feel our emotions ourself. How to feel my feelings. So not only do we learn that our feelings are okay to have, but how do we actually feel them? You know, I remember when I first went to therapy, I was 25 years old and I remember a therapist said to me, where do you feel this in your body? I think she was asking me something and I said, I'm just anxious. And I remember her saying to me, where do you feel that in your body? I wanted to run out of the room. And I don't think I went back to this therapist because I was so confused by that question. That's the blocked version of Emily at 25 years old that did not know how to feel feelings. Like, what do you mean I feel in my body? I think my feelings. But remember, if you ever want to understand any of this, there's a great book called the Body Keeps a Score that talks a lot about this, but basically it says like, our issues are in our tissues. So if you experience any trauma, you didn't learn how to experience express emotions, they are stuck in our body. So remember, there's lots of different modalities of therapy, but that one I wasn't ready for yet. But now a lot of my therapy is based around what am I feeling in my body. Because our body is constantly giving us information about what we're actually feeling and what's going on in the environment. So that's a really big one. Another one said, understanding what my body and emotions are trying to tell me. You guys get it? Someone else said, I learned I lacked certain skills because they weren't taught to me. Join the club. Self love, you learned. Another one said, we all have anxiety and some handle it better than others. That is true. How important self care is, it's part of the self love path. I mean, I love it's a lot of you learn self compassion and self love. Mental health is just as important as being physically healthy. We have to do the work every day. So true. You could be going to the gym every day. You could be eating healthy. If you are not managing, focusing on understanding your mental health, none of that other stuff matters. Mental health is so crucial, and that's what therapy can help. You kind of learn to understand it. Learn to work with your mental health. Learn to celebrate your mental health. I don't need to instantly react. I can take a breath and respond in an adult manner, ask questions and ultimately understand. Oh, that's a big lesson, you guys. The power of the pause. I have a post it here on my laptop that says pause. You know, a lot of us just instantly react. Again, that's a learned behavior, to respond to something immediately. But to learn to take a deep breath and pause, Such an important skill to learn. I can change my thoughts and break cycles. It is true. You learn to recognize that your thoughts are not the truth. That's just so important, you guys. Your thoughts are a version of the truth. And maybe it's a version of what you think is the truth of the the moment. But most of you realize that I am programming my brain right now and I'm serving up thoughts that don't serve me and I don't have to believe them. Another one of you learned you can't change other people. You can only change how you let other people affect you. Someone else said that my trauma wasn't my fault. It was liberating. Finally, the things that made me feel crazy actually just made me human. I love that. And a lot of you listen to this show because I think you have let me know that you just feel like everything's okay, that you're not alone. So many of us silently suffer alone and think that we are doing something wrong or we're moving through life wrong or we're the only ones who have trauma. The only ones who have anxiety are the only ones worry about how we're doing in the bedroom. And the truth is, we are all in this together, which is, you know, bringing it back to why I started this show. I started this show so we could all share our experiences and learn together. Liz Goldwyn is a writer, artist and filmmaker. Her new book, Sex, Health and Consciousness, is Acting out now. Find more information on Liz and her work atthesex ed.com. liz Goldwyn, congratulations on your new book, Sex, Health and Consciousness.

Thank you.

I think it's such an important book. Thank you for being open and vulnerable at your own experiences. Because I think so much about sexuality is like we talk about sex and people want to check it off the list. And I learned this tip, or I did that thing. But you really talk about your own journey from like an inner felt place. Because it's not just about talking about sex. We have to feel sex, embody sex. We have to be more vulnerable around it. So it's a great example of that in your book.

Thank you. Yeah, I feel like people have a very one dimensional idea of what sex is in the book. I liken it to drawing with like a 12 Crayola box. We're not even at the 64 Crayola box or the 120 Crayola box. So people think of sex as something that has to do only with penetration or between two people. But as you and I were talking about, sex is an energy. It's a life force. It's your creative energy. It's so much more than just the act of an orgasm with another person or even with yourself.

Yeah, it's that deeper feeling, knowing and being in touch with ourselves and maybe listening to you. Like, I understand that, but there's so much that gets in the way. Like you didn't just wake up and feel the energy. You talk about this in your book Sex, Health and Consciousness about like the journey it takes to start to understand ourselves sexually and get rid of all the stigmas and stereotypes 100%.

But from a very early age, I did see other people's sexual energy. Like, I saw how much sex seemed to drive the adults around me, and not in a positive way generally. Even in my own family, I saw how much. My father, for example, was very much ruled by sex. And my mom had a lot of trauma around sex. So from very early on age, before I could really understand intellectually or emotionally what was going on, it was almost like a color that I could see or like it was like a gray color. And I could see that even now I know that that also sounds pretty hippie out there, but I could see that with a lot of people that sex energy is ruling them instead of getting to the bottom of it. And even when I got older and started having sex, I wasn't conscious of how to use that myself. You know, was sort of looking at other people and thinking, oh, they must have it figured out. They must have this sex thing figured out. I think for the first, like big chunk of my career, I was researching burlesque and then sex work. So the darker sides of the energy of sex. And I think this book for me is like the light, because I think you have to have both I think so much of the way that we operate and the way we talk about sex, unfortunately, and I'll. Our culture is trauma based. It's not pleasure centered and is fear based too. Like, if you look at what's even going on politically, like, not only in our country, but around the world, so it is focused on the darkness, but yet we don't want to talk about it.

But we need to talk about it to get us to this place where we can all sort of. I guess it is a reclaiming and understanding our own energy because we all have it, which is the good thing, right? Like, not everyone. I think what people can take from this, like, you have your energy right there with you now as you're listening to this, and then just a way of like understanding it. Recognize, make, take a deep breath and feeling it. I love that you have some great exercises for people. Just kind of like tap into it. What would you love people to kind of take from this? Like, what would be a first step?

So let's do it together.

Okay. I was hoping we'd do an exercise.

Let's do it together. I think a good first step that I think I talk about in the introduction of the book is breathing into your genitals. So what does that mean? Let's just take a deep breath now.

So I think most of us don't really think about what our genitals are up to, except if we're going to the gynecologist or getting a prostate exam or having sex. But it's like a part of our body that's again, tends to rule most of our decision making.

But.

But right now, how. How many of you listening are aware of how your genitals are feeling right at this moment?

What I love about this is that a lot of us are completely disconnected. And then we expect that when we go to have sex with someone, that's the only time we pay attention and we're like, why aren't you performing? Why aren't you. Why aren't I connected to you? Or why would I feel anything? Or why aren't I wet? Or why aren't I hard? And all the things. But if you think about it, if you are literally not connected every other moment of your life to it, you think you're just going to like, turn on. You know, it's like you need. But walking through life and being more. Even if it's just a few breaths a day. All right, that's a roundup of some favorite moments from the podcast this past year. If you Want to listen to more of the episodes featured in this podcast. They will all be linked in the show notes and I'd like to thank all of my guests. You are wonderful. Thank you for your time and your insights and all of you called in last year to have your questions answered. You're so brave and you know that when you ask a question in this show that it helps so many of our listeners. So I'm grateful for all of you. I'd like to also thank all of our partners and sponsors for making this show possible. And finally, I'd like to thank the Sex with Emily community for making this year just incredible. And I just want to thank you because I'm heading into my 18th year and I would not be sitting here being able to do this job without all of you. For listening and for supporting the show on all of our platforms forms. And I'm just super grateful and I hope that for all of you, this new year brings you more sexual fantasies, new ways to orgasm. And of course you gotta tell me about it if you find new ways to orgasm right? We're all in this together. And also more open conversations around sex with your partners. And most of all, those conversations about pleasure. Because really, that's what this is all about. Remember, pleasure is productivity and pleasure is present. So I'm wishing you more pleasure in the new year. And thanks again everyone for listening to the show. Happy New Year.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me in YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739. I'll go to sex with emily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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