The Mask of Masculinity with Lewis Howes

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend, cuz? My man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so blood.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com check out our website. We're updating every day with great content, blogs, videos, everything that you need to have better sex relationships and be a better version of yourself. Cause, you know, let's be honest, if you're not having great sex, things sometimes aren't going so great in your life, especially your relationship. So this month, it's still October, and guess what? We are talking about sexy trick or treats. I know it's Halloween and we want to, you know, we want you guys to make it your own. So if you email me by October, actually, we're going to give you till November 1. I want to know your sexiest tricks. Like, is there. Do you have a go to move in the bedroom that works for you every single time? Have you mastered, like, multiple orgasms? What is that for you? Like, what is that one thing that you're like, ugh, I got this. Or a treatment? Is there a favorite rabbit vibrator? Is there something that you need to have in the bedroom? It's like a requirement. I have to wear these sexy underwear because they make me feel the best. Or a lube, you know, you know, I talk about the treats. So let me know your sexiest trick or treats by November 1st. Email me feedbackexwithemily.com Put Halloween in the subject because we get a lot of emails and you know, we're gonna give you amazing sexy prizes. Cause that's how we roll. So happy Halloween. Thank you so much. Before I get to my next move here, my next step, I have got a fellow podcaster, author, extraordinary man, Lewis Howes. Hi, Lewis.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too. I'm going to give you everyone your whole rundown in a minute. But I'm going to talk about how important it is. He has a podcast called the School of Greatness. And it is a great, truly a great podcast. And I was just about to talk about how important it is for people to subscribe to podcasts and why that makes a difference in our lives.

It's really important. It helps a lot. It helps get the message out there. You have a message that tries to help people live their fullest lives through sex, through Sexuality, things like that, you know, being in their body. And if people don't subscribe or share, it's hard for you to impact more people and really leave a lasting mark on those people. So it's important to subscribe and always share your biggest insight and biggest takeaway from every episode.

Every single one.

Share it out. Email a friend, text a friend, let them know. And have them subscribe as well.

Exactly. God, you're so hired. That's good. Thank you. Also, you guys follow me on social media because that's always a good time. It's sex with Emily. Everywhere you go, I am there. I promise. So my guest today is Lewis House. He's an old friend. It's funny. You walk.

What do we mean? 2011.

2011. Was that when the show was hot sex? Book launch. Because you were really into hot sex at the time.

That's right.

No, that's. We could actually. Funny getting that story. But I met him six years ago in New York. We had mutual friends and. But now he's a best selling author entrepreneur. He created the School of Greatness. And the podcast came first. Correct?

Podcast came first and then people just wanted more information and I put together the book.

They did, Right? He's got a best selling book. And it's kind of built around the philosophy that's encouraging people to go deeper with themselves, become the best version of themselves in all aspects of their lives. And so you interviewed truly great people who had a lot to say and it was very successful. It still is very successful. Your podcast and your most recent book is a departure from that because you've had a lot of success. And we're gonna get into your old story, but it's called the Mask of Masculinity. How men can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong relationships and live their full now before you like shut off. You're like, vulnerability. What? That's for chicks? No, no. We're getting into all of that today. So congratulations on your book. I really, really enjoyed it. That's what Lewis is here to talk about today, about a lot of things.

I'm excited to be here. It sounds weird hearing your voice and being next to you. It's like I'm in the podcast for the first time. It feels. I know you hear your voice as a listener. You're like, wow, now I'm actually.

Now you're here in it. How is that?

Very meta.

You know, right? It is. I know. And I was just. Yeah, I listened to yours. I know. I'm really glad because we talked about this a Few years ago. And it's funny, I was thinking about. God, there's so many questions for you, because I know you've been through a lot since I first met you. We were actually on a reality show together.

Yes, we were.

In 2011.

I was kind of forced to be on it. You were getting paid to be on it as one of the stars.

Barely, but. Right.

And I was kind of manipulated. Yes, I was. A mutual friend of ours said, hey, come out to this thing and support my friends and, you know, just be there as my guest, a friend of mine. And I was like, okay, but I don't want to be on this show.

Right.

And then right away, like, literally when I walk in the door, she's like, meet Amy, and you should take her on a date and this and this. And I'm like, what? Who is this?

Why?

First off, no, I'm not really interested in this person. And no, not on tv.

Right, Exactly.

And the producers are, like, wooing me and wowing me and, like, will you please ask her for her number? Will you please ask her?

I remember this was at my book launch, too. Your book launch would never film any of this. They cut out the book launch part. But they were all about that.

Right. You're like, I'm gonna promote all the books.

Great. I didn't sell goddamn book from that. But. But Lewis kept up with. He went out with Amy. There was three. And again, we're not trying to get you to watch the show, although you could if you're really interested. I think it's an iTunes, but it's about three single dating experts. Do we practice what we preach? It's called misadvised. It was on Bravo, and Lewis got fixed up on a date. And I didn't know that it was a whole thing getting you to go out with her, but that's how we met. And then we ran into each other here after we both moved to la and you had your podcast. But I think it's funny because then we were. Cause now you're, like, removing your. Your masks of masculinity. And then maybe your masks were still on.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've always worn a lot of masks. I think as a. As a driven, achieving, you know, athlete, I want to.

Yeah, let's tell. Let's hear your story. Because not everybody. Let's pretend they don't know you. Some people don't know you yet.

Yeah. From Ohio. And I was just very driven to achieve in sports. And I'll talk about why in a second. But my entire life I wrapped my identity around being a great athlete. And if I.

I was a sore loser. And so I just drove to always win in sports and to get bigger, faster, stronger. And it worked. You know, I was great in high school, college, I played professional football for a little bit and then I got injured and for a couple years was in Ohio on my sister's couch trying to figure out, you know, who am I? My whole identity was wrapped around being an athlete. Now I can't be an athlete. Like, what do I even know about life or anything other than sports. And so was, you know, trying to figure life out as like a young 20 year something guy and started getting into business. I had a lot of mentors who were kind of guiding me and eventually kind of took off in this one business, sold it and realized that things still weren't working for me. Even though I had been successful in sports, made a lot of money in business and sold this company. Eventually after a number of years, I was still like, why am I just insecure and unhappy and afraid and jealous and comparing constantly? And I turned 30, moved to LA. I guess I was 29 when I moved here, but I was around 30 when I was going through a very toxic relationship that I didn't have the emotional capacity as a man to say what I needed to say and to remove myself from the environment. The intimacy was so powerful for me. The intimacy, the sex, the connection there was so profound that too much that was the problem. I was like, I was like, if I leave, I may never have this again.

Okay, like this. That's what everyone thinks when they're actually like, I. Yeah. But then.

So for 5% of the relationship was powerful in those moments. The other 95%, it was like the most toxic, volatile experience of my life. That was so stressful. And I was always on eggshells, right. It's just like, didn't matter what I said, what I did, what I looked at, didn't look at. It was like I was wrong, you know, as a man in the relationship. And so all I was trying to do was please the relationship, like please her to make her feel happy. Because I think most guys want to make their partner happy.

Yeah, they do.

And when they're not happy at them, they say, okay, well what can I do to make you happy? I didn't have the emotional vocabulary and language on how to express myself, so I started to express myself with anger. I started to get defensive when someone would attack me online or tweet at me. Something about Whatever. I would respond back for days to defend myself. I would go play basketball and work out to kind of get this aggression out, this like, frustrating feeling I was having. And anytime that anyone on the mean streets of West Hollywood would step to me on a basketball game, I would like to scream at them, shove them, like I wanted someone to fight me. I was like, bring it on, let's do this. And then no stakes game of pickup basketball, right?

Because you just. Right, you just got to get it out because you can't talk to your girlfriend about anything.

And so all these things kind of came to a head when I got in a really bad fight, you know, four years ago. I beat the crap out of someone on a basketball court. Like, it finally happened where I instigated someone enough, he hit me. And it gave me, like the right in my mind to fight back.

Okay.

And it was just bad because you.

Were not a fighter before this. You're saying the aggression was coming out because you weren't able to deal with some of the emotions.

And I mean, the last fight was like in high school or something.

Right, Right. Okay.

Yeah. No, you know, I played football. I was able to hit people and get away with it because it's legal. You know what I mean? So it was my ability to do that. But when I didn't know how to express myself, I was like, well, what do I do?

Right?

How do I get this out there?

It's not even like conscious, obviously. It just not be conscious.

So this was a moment in my life where I was like, things are not working. I am achieving financial results. You know, people looking at my podcast is taking off. These things are working. Pretty much every goal I set out to do, I made happen pretty much everything.

Right.

You know, I could get great looking girlfriends. I could, you know, make money. I was like, figuring it out, but I was suffering constantly inside.

How did you know you were unsettled? If you had all these great things, what did it? You're walking around feeling angry.

Yes.

Feeling less than comparing yourself to others.

Shameful, guilty, embarrassed.

I mean, like the whole imposter syndrome, maybe, like, I have success, but I don't really feel like it or. No, you don't go through it.

Here's what I realized is people didn't actually know who I was, that I was constantly projecting a false sense of who I was in the world. I acted like I had it always figured out that I had the answers, that I was smarter than I actually was.

Oh, I thought you did. Oh, damn. Okay.

I was projecting A false sense of masculinity. To try to look good and to try to be okay in the world. I started to, for the first time ever, like, ask for feedback, you know, I was 30 years old and I was like, okay, all these things aren't working. After this fight, I was like, ran back to my condo in West Hollywood and, like, was in my bathroom washing off the blood on my hands. Like, blood is all over the court and the police department is like, right across the street. And I'm like, I could have lost everything in this moment. This one stupid decision to, like, respond in this way, in a weak minded way by allowing myself to hit someone. It's so weak if you think about it. And what if someone had a knife? What if the cops were there and I went to jail? Like, all the things that I've worked hard for my whole life could have been over or could have had, like a mark on me in some way. And I remember just looking in the mirror at myself, just, like shaking. I was like, what is wrong with you? Why are you this way? Why do you always respond with anger? Why are you always frustrated? Why are you always, you know, defensive in sports, but then in relationships, in every area of your life?

And you were still in this relationship at the time? Kind of still.

I was like, trying to get out of it, you know what I mean?

But, like, lingering, because women end relationships typically because men are like, trying or.

They go, I was a coward. It was terrifying to me because I was afraid to be alone as well. And I was afraid I would never have that intimacy again. And so I did, for the first thing, I was just like. It was kind of like. It wasn't total rock bottom, but it was like emotional rock bottom.

I was gonna say, was it your emotional rock bottom?

I remember I literally was sitting in my apartment for two weeks and I watched 88 episodes of Weeds. You know the show Weeds?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I literally didn't leave for two weeks. I was just like laying. I mean, I got up and did whatever, got food every now and then. But I was pretty much in my bed watching Weeds every single day.

This was the one thing on.

It was the thing on. I just watched a couple of them.

And I was like, really cooked, whatever.

I was from the beginning. And I was like, oh, there's 10, 10 seasons. Let me just go through them all. And I just, like, wouldn't sleep. I just watched TV all day long. It was in my escape for me, right? And I started to ask for feedback. I was like, okay, Enough is enough. Like, I'm sick of feeling this. I've got to change my life, otherwise I'm probably always going to.

You asked your friends for feedback, your family.

I started asking friends, I started hiring therapists, I hired coaches. I was like asking my closest friends.

Like, like, tell me why I'm the most fucked up.

I was just like, you know, what are the things that you like about me, they enjoy about me? What do I do really well? What are the things that I don't do well? I was just like, on all spectrums. Give me feedback. I was a demand for information about who I was and how I showed up in the world. Because before that I never wanted feedback or criticism.

We often talk about emotionally unavailable men, which is sort of the umbrella term, I think, for a lot of different emotional challenges that men and women have. Emotionally. I've been. I've been known to be emotionally unavailable. I think your book deals with a lot of that. Dating any man that you ever thought, he doesn't quite get it, it'll be in this book. So what you're saying is you were asking them. So before that you were that guy, you're like, did I ask you for free? Did I ask you for that? Like, if they ask. But now you're like, tell me.

So there's a demand for it.

Yeah. Were there themes? The themes?

Absolutely.

Okay.

I mean, pretty much that I'm was a coward on every area of my life.

Coward. Was that the words they used?

No, that's the word I used.

I know, I know. I want to hear it. So I wouldn't think they would use that.

I think the feet, namely, I was very defensive, that was very guarded, that I was angry and I was like, what are you talking about? I'm like the most loving, joyful, happy guy. Like, I was always came from a place of like, smiling and happy and joyful. But when moments of frustration came to me, it's like I only had one switch and that was to defend myself, to protect myself. Again, I was talking to therapists, coaches, I was like asking everyone. And I went to this workshop, it was a five day workshop here in la. Emotional intelligence training that had a lot of games and exercises. It addressed the areas of our life that weren't working for us. So there's like 50 of us in this workshop and this trainer was like, going through different exercises and games to address the areas of our past that we still hold on to that keep us from living a more meaningful, fulfilling, rich life. In relationships, in our career, everything and we're going through a lot of these things. The first few days of, you know, our parents and the example they said and how we grew up like them, and whatever breakups we've gone through, divorces, people have gone through, the things that we've been holding onto that still hurt us and how we have these triggers and reactions. So for three days, people are opening up and expressing this, and I'm kind of opening up, and I'm acting like I've got it all figured out, but I'm talking about the different challenges I had growing up. And at day three, the trainer goes, okay, we've addressed everything from your past. Now we're gonna move forward to create a vision for your life on how you wanna live moving forward for the ultimate relationships, the ultimate career mission, everything, your health. But we can't fixate on the past if you wanna live a powerful future. So I was like, cool. And so he goes, if you haven't said anything you need to say yet, now is the moment. Otherwise, we're not going back. So you need to say it now or kind of forever hold your peace.

Mom just got anxious. Okay. Yeah.

And so I'm sitting there again. There's 50 of us in a room, and I'm. And I'm like, you know, I talked about my parents going through a divorce and, like, everyone in this room. And I talked about, you know, feeling like the youngest of four not having the attention that I wanted. I talked about being, you know, picked on and bullied and picked last and being, you know, in the special needs classes my whole life in school and just feeling insecure.

For learning.

Yeah, for learning in school. And, you know, I talked about my brother who went to prison for four years when I was eight years old, and how I didn't have any friends during that time. What about that moment when I was raped by a man? And it kind of came in my head and I was like, huh? Yeah. That time when I was five, when that man took me in the bathroom and raped me. Why have I never shared this with anyone? Why have I always held this a secret? Why has this always been the thing that I've never wanted anyone to know about me? And I just. For whatever reason, in that moment, I stood up, walked at the front of the room, and for the first time, told the entire story as if I was right there. And I couldn't look anyone in the eyes when I told this story. I was so ashamed of myself and so embarrassed by what people would think about. And I sat down and it was like, I just erupted with tears. I just erupted. I couldn't control myself.

I can't imagine.

Yeah, it was just like. It was so terrifying to let people see me.

Yeah. And so this is something that you would completely repress in the sense of it. It didn't come up for you.

I always knew it happens. Of course, I always think about.

It's in your body.

Like, I always think about it.

But you're like, that was the one tab. Like, that would never come out, Right?

It would never come out. And people would always ask me stuff about, you know, why are you so. This and this and that.

Yeah. You have a lot of deep conversations. People are asking and they're revealing, but I would never.

I never told them that. I just didn't want people to know.

Never. Right moment for that. Tell them.

And it was the most challenging thing because. Because I was terrified. I ran out of the room afterwards because I couldn't stop crying. And I was just like, I feel embarrassed. I'm scared. I don't know what these people are thinking about me. Luckily, there was two women on either side of me who were like, holding me and crying with me that I felt like, okay, I'm somewhat safe in this moment. But I was just so embarrassed that I ran out of this kind of hotel conference room, went across the street. There was like a wall. I put my head up against the wall like this and was just like. Couldn't stop crying. And after a few minutes, it was like one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me. These men who were in the room came up to me and started holding me, hugging me. And they were like, you're my hero. They were like, I've never seen a man do what you've done. Just did here. Like, people are like, man, I've been judging you this whole time. I've thought of you, of this other guy.

You know, you're a coward. Right?

Well, you know, I led with my ego a lot. I led with ego. I led with ego a lot. And they were like, gosh, I've just been judging you and now I trust you. And some of the guys were like, you know, I've been sexually abused and I haven't told anyone.

Right. It's so common.

I haven't told anyone and my wife doesn't know. And you've given me permission to go tell my wife and have that conversation. And, you know, I'm trying to figure out a way to bring this back to sex, because that's what this.

No no, honey, no, no, no. This is about, this is sexual abuse. But listen, we don't need to listen to this.

You know, if you want to have the, the greatest sex and relationship in general, if someone doesn't, if your partner doesn't know, like the things that are most vulnerable to you, then you don't feel safe and you don't feel like you can trust that person. And therefore you'll probably never fully emotionally expose yourself in bed and sex and something will always be holding you back. It may be powerful, great. But that intimacy where you look in someone's eyes and you both orgasm emotionally, spiritually, physically, like that is unbelievable connection.

No, it is. This is perfect. So what you're doing here, because I want to say what I'm hearing in that, is that this moment of. We all have secrets and things that we're ashamed of because we get into a relationship with someone and, you know, we always bring like, what do they call it? Like your first date, like your representative. They say first few dates, like the best version of yourself or sometimes for a few years. And there's certain things we just were like, well, I could never reveal this about me, but this person won't love me, they won't like me. And a lot of times we haven't reeled it to anybody or maybe just our best friend. And that's what true intimacy is. And, and you realize that it. All the, all the power that you've given this, whatever the thing is that you're repressing, all the, all the energy you've given it, once you like, release it to the world, right, it no longer has power on you. It releases you. It's freedom.

It was instant. I mean, it was terror. And I was scared and unsure of what was going to happen because I just didn't think I was allowed to say those things exactly. But what happened afterwards was like, it was unbelievable freedom. You know, it took some, like, weeks and months for me to fully process. And I was. Started telling my family, I started telling my friends one by one, because this group really encouraged me to start talking about it more. Just like the relationships I had with my family, my family started saying things that I never knew about them, you know?

Right. Because you were able to tell them. So that's the thing. It's not even about relationships with. It is about, you know, romantic relationships, intimate ones, but with your family and your friends, when you start to, to really, you know, reveal this stuff, you realize that, like, it makes you. And that's how we talk about it. Specifically, the mask of masculinity, because men feel like it will make me less manly. I won't be a man if I'm.

Vulnerable, emasculated if I'm. I'll be a girl.

I'll be a chick.

I'll be a. Less than a girl.

Right.

I'll be gay. I'll be whatever the names that kids called me growing up.

Right, Exactly.

It's like, I don't want to be less than a girl.

No. God, no.

Or considered a girl.

Exactly. Right?

Yeah. So that's. A lot of guys have followed this pattern. Not all guys, where they don't feel like it's cool or okay to just share their feelings. And you were talking about before we jumped on you guys, as girls talk about this every day. You get together in groups and you're like, I'm going through this right now.

I'm stressed out about this every day. I talk to my girlfriend. I mean, I'm lucky. I think a lot of women have this, so. But we are socialized from the time of. We're babies. Like, women are just more social creatures. The way we create. We make eye contact, all that stuff. And I feel like with my girlfriends, we do. I have the same 10 best friends throughout the last 20, 15, 20 years, and they're all San Francisco or all over the world. But I talk to them, and we're not like, hey, what shoes did you get? What makeup? We're like, okay, what happened with your husband? What's going on here? And we get into it. When I was 26 in San Francisco, I'd go to therapy every week. And after therapy, every Tuesday, my best friend Mary and I would meet at Whole Foods, and we would sit at the bulk food. We'd get the thing. We'd sit there, get coffee, and we would just process our therapy for years. I mean, it's like, I've been so. Women naturally do this. Men, not so much. You get together.

So I think 50% of men feel like they don't have a guy friend they can share their. Their stuff with.

And so they get it from women, sort of. But then the women are constantly frustrated because, like, he's not available. He's not available. So what I wanted to do today is because that's an amazing story about how you were able to open up, and I'm sure your relationships have all improved. You were able to end that toxic one, and I think you're in a healthy relationship, right?

Yes.

And it's not just. It has to be trauma. Although There are so many men. I'm glad you have. One in six men have sexual abuse.

One in six men have been sexually abused. That has been recorded.

Exactly. It's so hard to get.

Yeah.

But there's one in three women.

Is it one in three? One of four. One of three women who's been. Yeah, I'm sure more have been sexually harassed in some way or grabbed or whatever.

We'll talk about that day. Right.

But when I look at just this year alone, if you think about what's in the media this year alone, besides the hurricanes and the flooding and the natural disasters, what are the moments that come to my mind are, first off, Charlottesville, which happened, and angry men marching who feel unsafe and unprotected and don't know how to express themselves emotionally and verbally. So they march and attack with anger. I'm not getting into politics here, but the dis. Ease from the political decision making and reactions to anything that happens in the world, the reactiveness, the defensiveness, the guard, you know, the guardedness, the needing to be right, needing to win feeling that is happening in our politics. Again, a man, the Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein, yes. Last week, two weeks ago, and now the Amazon executive or whatever. The sexual harassment, the sexual abuse that happens, the domestic violence that happens from people in the NFL or pro sports, Vegas, the Vegas shooting. A man who's just like, I can't express myself verbally, so I'm going to just unleash and spread my anger on the world and then end it all. These instances that are just in the last six months come from angry men or men who feel unsafe, that feel like they don't know how to express themselves. They've never been trained or they don't have the emotional capacity to. And listen, I'm right there with these men in a sense of like, I've been angry and reacted in ways that are very defensive and guarded. Now, thankfully, I've never sexually molested or done these things or killed anyone up.

On the basketball court. So it's not like next time, next year could have been, who knows? But you get it. That's what we're saying. Well, wait, we're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, God, there's so much more to double into. I think that a lot of guys and women. You know what I love is that your book is also for women.

Absolutely.

Listen, you're gonna recognize yourself and women. If you're dating a man, you'll be like, oh, yeah, that's what it is. And we're gonna tell you how to deal with it. Lewis Howes book is the Mask of Masculinity. Also, thanks for supporting our sponsors. I love them. I never talk about products or surfaces or anything that I haven't used that I'm not actually obsessed with. So thank you for keeping the show free and supporting them. And we'll be right back.

Okay, Louis, we're back. I've got so many more things to talk to you about. This is exciting. Okay. Mask of Masculinity is his book. So this, what we're talking about is like this classic journey towards self awareness, right? Like, we, a lot of us are driven by goals, certain ambitions. Once we get the job, the car, the house, the wife, then everything will be perfect. We're going to be happy, we're going to be successful. And then you get there and then you're like, huh, I still feel empty. Something's wrong. I mean, it's a classic, right? It's a classic tale of self awareness.

I forget the celebrity that said this. I don't know if it was Jim Carrey or someone that was like, I wish everyone in the world could become rich and famous and realize that's not, like, the key to.

No. Well, there was a great quote in your book that I pulled out, actually.

What'd it say?

Whatever success you're after, someone has already achieved it. Deluded himself into thinking that just a little more of it would make him happy and solve all his problems. Guess what? It didn't. Y. So everything that we're chasing and we think, we look at that person. If you're looking outside yourself to achieve, they're so happy. They're. If I just make a little more money, if I only meet this person, and everything's gonna be great. And the bottom line, everyone can tell you, mystic, psychic, the Buddha. Anyway, wherever you go, it comes from the inside. It comes from all this stuff. But I also think that we are talking, you know, I think there's a lot of women who are a little more self aware about this. I'm not saying every woman on the planet, but for men who are listening, going, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I haven't been abused. I mean, my life is actually really good right now. Like, I don't even really know what you're talking about. And I can tell you that if they just called me for five seconds, I could probably. We take callers sometimes, too. Yeah, I think I could get to that in a. I could get that in five seconds. Like, have you Ever dated a woman who was like, you're not really emotionally available? Or I feel like when I'm with you, I'm kind of alone. Or I feel like you don't really share things. Like, babe, we talk all the time. So those people, those guys maybe who.

Are like, well, here's the thing, here's the thing. These masks represent.

Part of our, what we think is our identity. They represent our, what we think is our self worth, you know, for me, I was picked last in fourth grade on a dodgeball game where there was two captains, two guys that, to come back to the story from the beginning, there was my fourth grade teacher said, okay, we're not going out to recess by ourselves. We're gonna do like a class dodgeball game. And he picked two of the popular kids to be the captains. And they chose one by one, right? There was like 30 kids in the class, let's say 15 boys, 15 girls. I can't remember exactly. And I'm thinking I'm one of the taller kids, you know, I'm probably going to be picked one of the first. And they go through one by one and pick all these guys until it comes down to the last two guys. Me and the nerdy looking guy who had, you know, the glasses and the pocket square and that kid, right? And I'm like, there's no way they're not going to pick me before, after this guy. And they end up picking this other kid before me. And so I'm the last boy to be picked. But then something happens. The next picker picks a girl and then picks another girl and then picks another girl until it's down to me and the last girl in the class. This girl can barely even walk. She's like so uncoordinated. I'm like, there's no way I'm going to be the last one picked. And they picked the girl and by default I go on the last team. I don't even get picked. So I'm less than a girl in my mind, in like my fourth grade mind. And I said, never again will I get picked last. So whether I was sexually abused or not before this, I said, never again will I be picked last. And I'm gonna become so big, so fast, so strong, so.

Valuable that people always have to pick me first in sports. And it worked. I trained myself every single day starting then.

Like in third was third grade, fourth grade, fourth grade.

This like negative fuel to prove people wrong, like, drove me every day. And I had that chip on my shoulder and it worked. I was, you know, a great athlete in high school, college, you know, everything else like that played professional sports. And I proved those kids wrong.

And who even, yeah, and who even knows if you would have played sports? Who knows those pivotal moments, right, where you're like this are those.

Here's the thing, I proved all those kids wrong and anyone else wrong who thought I wasn't good enough or whatever or had like something for me, I proved them all wrong. But man, every time I lost at anything, I was the worst loser because it was like an attack on my identity and my self worth. If I'm not going to win, then people aren't going to accept me. And the worst loser, the worst winner, you know, I rubbed it in their faces and it never felt good. I achieved these big dreams that I wanted and when I would achieve them, I was like, why am I still not fulfilled?

Right?

It's because I was driven by this false sense of identity, right? And then again, when I lost, when I wasn't able to play football anymore and I got injured, my self worth was wrapped around this idea of being an athlete. This is what happens with men who wear, who have the material mask, you know, when I was broke on my sister's couch for a couple of years, I was like, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I need to learn how to make money. And I started researching. I found mentors who are millionaires. I was like, I'm going to obsess over this. I'm going to focus on getting nice things, everything. And it worked. I made millions of dollars, I built a business. I was like, you know, had access to things and the money was never enough. Like I was living in scarcity. Like when, and then when the money started to go down in my bank account, I freaked out.

Right, Exactly.

Yeah. My self worth was wrapped around my net worth. So some guys, you see that, they always need something else to.

So you went from like athleticism from being number one with that to money. And I think it's interesting, your stories because even, well, this was up until four years ago, because your school of greatness, you're on your book. There was a chapter in your book, you were saying, like, you're on this book tour and you have everything and people are signing up and your book sold out.

Everything I wanted.

Everything you wanted. And then you're in your hotel room, lonely, going. And I guess I have to say, like, I. And even as a woman, and here's the other thing, women have these masks as well. I can't tell you how many times I mean, I've gone through this. I thought, like, even when I met you, doing misadvised for me, it was more about. It was never like I wanted to. It was never about fame, it was never about money. Except I was super broke during misadvised. It was like living on a friend's couch. I had no money.

All you girls were, I think, right?

Yeah, totally.

Julio's broke. Everyone.

Yeah, we're all. And I was like. But I just. I just love how I. I know doing this podcast is my passion. I love. I mean, it still is helping people and people listen to it. So why aren't I making. I just kept doing it. My parents like, you're crazy. I'm like, but it's so close. For me, it was about how can I make this thing happen so it could be sustainable. And it wasn't. And it wasn't so much about like, you know, now I finally can, like, I have the money, I have a lot of things I wanted, but sometimes, you know, yeah, there's still that. Now I have all that. I put all my energy to that. And then, you know, where's my community? I left them in San Francisco, you know, so there's always going to be little things, but the more aware you are now I know, like, what's missing and where you go. So we kind of flip around these things in our life, but I guess just the more self aware you are, that's it about where things are at. So now. So you did the book tour. So you did win from athleticism, then athlete, then the book tour. And then you're like, whoa. And then you had this breakdown.

Well, then I was in the, you know, wearing the sexual mask.

Sexual mask.

Well, I can't be with one woman because I'm getting all these women. You know, my whole, my whole childhood, high school, no girls liked me.

You know, you're one of those that never ends.

The guys are like, dumb kid who was in the special needs classes. You know, my brother was in prison when I was 8 years old till I was 12 for selling drugs to an undercover cops. So I didn't have the parent. The parents in my neighborhood wouldn't let their friend, their kids hang out with me. So I didn't have friends. And I was like dumb in class. And I was like 6, 4 when I was 8. And I just looked goofy and all these things. So now I have some financial success, I have some athletic success, I have this book success. And like, women were desiring me. And I was like, oh, now I need to get mine and I need to like, show my self worth.

I gotta get this bag some chicks. Yeah, Yeah.

I gotta prove to myself that, like, I can get this right.

That's still empty. This is like so classic, right? Guys go through these cycles. I know. So, yeah, you go through the cycles, you got all the money, then you can get the women, then you get the job in the cars. And ultimately it's all freaking empty until you love yourself, know yourself, and become vulnerable and real. Like, I've, you know, I guess, long time ago, I realized I. I don't. I don't remember when, like years, but it's like I can't even have. It's hard for me to have those people in my life that are superficial, that they don't really know me, they don't connect. I just. I am. Wherever I go, you know, there I am. Not that I'm always. I'm always learning and stuff, but I think for men it might be a little bit different in the sense of. Although there are men who've done a lot of work, but you're like, if I'm vulnerable and I show you this weakness, I am a weak man. Like a mask. And a lot of that is like, I'm less than the whole thing. So what I want, guys understand or listening to. And women again, if they haven't gone through this, like, what is the catalyst? Like, I want. What I like about the book is it's set up in a way, if you will find yourself in one of these masks. And I think we should go through them, you know, but if they haven't hit their emotional rock bottom, you know, why should they. Why should they read it? Because I, you know, I want them to get there. It's really hard, but to get you. Because I always feel like for me too, it was being completely broke, trying to live my dream of this sex with Emily thing, which everyone thought was crazy. You, you know, what are you doing? And I thought, no, I have. I have to do it because it's like so important. It's gonna change the world. And it was crazy. But I'm glad I stuck with it. That was my thing. It was. I kept pushing it and made it happen in a lot of ways. But then I realized that there were other things that were empty. Like, oh, I can help everyone out. There's a relationship with relationships, and I don't have one of my own. So.

Yes.

Point is, I've been there. Yes.

This is the challenge. You know, everything was working in my life on the outside. Like I was getting results. When people gave me feedback, I was like, screw you, you're not doing this in your business. You're not doing this, you're not, you know, or whatever. I was like defensive. It's really hard because people start to look at themselves differently when there's, they go through a divorce or a bad breakup or a health scare or a near death experience or someone close to them dies. That's when people start look and be like, let me, you know, look at my life and see how do I want to live. So it's hard to get men to be aware and look within when they don't feel like they need to.

Right.

That's why I think this book is going to be powerful for women because women have a massive influence over men and intimate relationships whether they think so or not. And when you can understand the man in your life who might be disconnected or might be focused on this or on that or is defensive or always needs to be right and win in your arguments or puts down people, whatever it may be, or it's always telling a joke, it's just constantly funny.

Let's talk about some of the masks because that's what I was going to say. A lot of times there's the rock bottom that like someone dies or you're, you know, you lose a job or you lose a loved one and that's when people seek help. And I always was thinking about this, like maybe that's just what needs to happen. I think that's what I was trying to say about like I told myself I would never be able to do business. Right. I was like, I'm just doing a podcast to help people. I don't understand business. But then it became this need that I had to do it. And there's some people like, like my dad died, I had to go in it when suddenly when I was 20, I had to go to therapy. Like things happen that were really hard but for people. So I'm wondering like what pushes someone towards self awareness if they don't have that and maybe whatever. That was my point. But let's just talk about some of these masks because they might realize that they're in it. So I've got them here. But you probably.

Sure, sure, yeah, yeah.

The material mask is huge. Like for me, guys driving around, especially.

In la, it's like you said, like.

Every guy, like the nicer the car, like I don't want to go out with you. And that's True.

Listen, I. You know, I have friends who have private jets and who have amazing cars and, like, own islands, literally, right? And. But they're so humble and they're giving and they're. They don't make it about showing it off. They make it more about, like, sharing.

An experience, sharing it.

And let me live a lifestyle that inspires you not to, like, you know, show you how good I am. And so there's a way that you can approach this. You don't need to make it, you know, not. You can still have nice material things and live luxurious if that's what you want. But if it's just to prove to yourself that you're worthy of something.

Just an age thing, though. It's like a younger man, probably person's game. Like in your 20s, you kind of, like, you think that's what matters, maybe.

And then it's so hard because I.

Can'T tell guys if they want to get the first watch and the first car. Here's the thing for women, the designer bag. You know?

Exactly. I mean, it starts with, like, the classroom, the experience. It starts with the athletic experience. You know, when you're on a sports team or you're in a classroom and you're just walking through the halls of the guy, you're going to see other guys saying things about you or saying things about other people. Or if you're, like, emotional or crying, they're to say, stop crying. Stop being a little girl. Or don't be a pussy, don't be a fag, don't be whatever the word is that they're saying. And it's like, if your mom is like, you know what, honey? Today I want you to practice, like, being very giving and open and loving at school. Like, go. Go in and, like, really be kind to the other kids. And you say, okay, Mom, I'm gonna go do that. And you're kind and you're loving, and you see a couple bullies bullying another kid, you're like, hey, guys, don't pick on him. And then they take you and shove you in the locker or do it or beat you up. You're like, okay, this doesn't feel good. And I need to protect myself. I need to arm myself.

That's what men are living with all the time. I totally get that. So these ma. So these are the masks, the athlete mask, the material mask, the sexual mask. Aggression. Men are using aggression. The joker, the funny guy. Or, like, I love hanging out with him. He's a great texter, but takes you a few Dates. You're like, but he's so fun. But he said nothing. I know nothing about this guy. I mean, I know all these guys. The invincible guy, you know.

Yeah.

The guy who's got this, you know, the. Know it all. That's so annoying. Mansplaining kind of mansplain to them. God. The alpha mask, that they're just the alpha man. I just can't take any of these guys. I see them, I guess, experience.

I've been all these.

Right. I was gonna say every man is. Right.

Every man. At least we would lead with, like, a dominant one or two. Right. Every man does and. Or has. And I'm still aggressive time to time. I'm still competitive. And we need to win in arguments sometimes. Luckily, I have been working on this for four years for myself. And now it's funny because I was in the airport last week trying to get somewhere, and I missed my flight. And I literally wanted to punch a wall because I was so furious of what had happened. And I was going to make it about the TSA people and them, like, making me take forever and double all this stuff. And I just felt like they weren't helping me. Like, the customer support there wasn't helping me. And my old way of being would have been like screaming, making a scene, throwing a fit, punching something, kicking something. A trash can. Storming out of there and feeling angry the rest of the day. And so I was like, smile. I was so furious. I wanted to just automatically go to that place. And I just started, like, smiling inside because I was like, isn't it fitting that I'm writing this book about masculinity? And here's a great test for me.

How do I want to show up in that moment?

How do I want to show up? Do I want to show up and act like a jerk to this person and to make a scene and make it about me? Or where's the lesson? And can I recommit to my vision of what I want to do right now and who I want to be and walk out of here gracefully and, you know, yeah, it sucks. Yeah. And I did.

And you catch it in that moment, and it might happen.

Awareness.

Right. It's aware.

This is all about self awareness, awareness, and it's practice. You know, every morning I practice meditation. You don't have to, but you can just practice for five minutes saying, how do I want to show up today when shit hits the fan? Not sure if I'm allowed to swear when stuff happens. How do I want to respond? So in the Morning, I will talk about the things I'm really grateful for and how I want to show up. And I'll say, you know, what if someone cuts me off today? What if someone says something to me? What if someone tweets something negative? What if someone. I feel attacked by someone. How do I want to show up? And I train myself before adversity happens. Because it's going to happen almost every day.

Right. And for other people, it could be other things. How about whatever.

What if my wife says this to me? How am I going to respond today? As opposed to constantly getting defensive when I smile and give her a hug?

Right. How about that? Exactly. You're listening.

And I think you know the definition of the Alpha mask. If I, you know, it's not the man who is like, can always puff his chest and always be the loudest, you know, the ultimate alpha silverback gorilla. The most impressive one to me is the one that is so, like, big in his energy. Does he?

Right. It's not even about how he's just.

So graceful and confident with his energy that when a couple of other monkeys are screaming and fighting, he doesn't have to, like, beat his chest and run up there and like, show how big he is. He can literally just, with his energy move people away and diffuse the situation and bring peace and harmony back to.

The moment you're going to create.

A lot of these men is the alpha, ultimate Alpha.

You're absolutely right. Men who are like, right, they're self aware, they're authentic. They're not being competitive. They understand intimacy, connection.

Yeah. And I think it's like, listen, we can be competitive, we can be like manly, masculine, like aggressive in moments that are okay with that. But when it's hurting other human beings, you know, and it's just to prove yourself that you're worthy or something, you're really. It's not helping you long term.

No.

Yeah. Still be a man. Wear a beard. Do all these things that you want to do.

Okay, we have to get into questions in a minute, but that's what I want. Let's just. Yeah, because you're gonna help the people here. Because we love helping our listeners. But I feel like the bottom line here, really, if there is that I recognize so many men in here. You've been all of them. I think men float between all of these and that, I can't tell you. I keep thinking of it as the emotionally unavailable umbrella, male umbrella. When people say to me all the time, like, why are there no good men? Why are there no Good men, and perhaps men are saying the same things about women, that's fine. But what I seem to see, and I've dated a lot of them, if they haven't done their work. So years ago, I decided if a man hasn't done his work, and I talk about this on the show all the time, that I believe that everybody needs therapy in some sense. Whatever that looks like to you. You know, it's been 12 gazillion shows. What I like about your book, the Mask of Masculinity, is if you guys read this, then you're going to kind of understand what I mean by saying that, like, why doing the work is going to help you not just in your relationship, but in your job, in your relationship with your family. And if you've always thought, well, I didn't really get what you mean, what kind of work I need to do, like, what, why, or what's gonna drive me here. I think this is gonna help you. And I love that you have advice for women here who deal with men. It can be a sister dealing with a brother. Like, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but the kindness for everything. Exactly.

I think that's a great place for men to start. Whether you read the book or not is irrelevant to me. It's just a matter about how are you going to work on yourself so that you can heal.

Exactly.

How are you gonna do that? Whether it's listening to this. Well, you know, I want you to, but. But, you know, like, have a conversation. Have a conversation with, like. After you're done listening to this, here's something you can do to show you that you're working on yourself. Take out your phone and text someone in your life that inspires you, that makes an impact in your life or that you appreciate. And text them one to three sentences of why they mean something to you. Something specific about who they are.

Specific. I like that. What they do, your compliments, your words.

And send them a nice message. It's like a way of expressing vulnerability through a text. That maybe you don't acknowledge people enough. It's something small to get started and then continue to have a conversation. Find someone. I always say, start by writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I think eventually we're going to have to talk it out and express through our words. But write down those things in your life that really upset you and then ask yourself, why do these upset me? And here's the thing. If you want to be a powerful man. If you want to make the most money in the world, have the best job, get the hottest girl, whatever these things are. If you want these things, then you.

If you want them. And you want to be happy and fulfilled.

Exactly. You will write these down and you'll ask yourself a simple question. Why do these things have power over me? The ultimate man or human being does not allow for past things to own him, to control and consume his energy and his thoughts. He has power and control over being sexually abused, his parents fighting with him, whatever happened, the girlfriend dumping him. He doesn't allow the past to consume his mind and control him. I think Dr. Martin Luther King said something along these lines. I can't remember specifically what he said, but that he doesn't get angry when people were, you know, attacking him or saying racial things about him because he's like, I'm never going to allow that man to have power over me.

Yeah, exactly. It is a choice in every moment.

That's it. And if you want to be the ultimate man, you won't be defensive and guarded all the time. You'll learn how to grow into being loving, graceful, and live in harmony.

It's true. Like you're doing right now. Great example.

Trying every day.

I know.

Failing constantly and trying.

We're never done with it, but I think it's a. It's a book that makes can easily. I don't know, they digest, get into it. Like I said, it's just everyone needs to do their work, and I think this is the way to do it. Thank you. I like it. Okay, I've got five questions for you.

Bring it.

These are the quickie questions. And then we're gonna get into other people's questions. Ready? Lewis, you gotta. You can't think about these too much.

Quick answers or how long am I quick answers?

Don't think about it.

Five, ten seconds.

Yeah, like, not even.

Okay.

But no press. No press, because I don't.

You know, I'm in.

Your biggest turn on.

Is this the PC doesn't matter.

Or it's a sex podcast. Let's be honest.

Biggest turn on. Oh, my gosh. I don't know what I want to say.

It could be eyes. It could be. It could be, I think, voice. I mean, helping you.

I had a lot of different things, but the first thing comes to mind after the. The other things I was thinking about, the first thing comes to mind is when a girl. When a. When a woman sees my dreams and fully supports it, as opposed to, like, Holds me back from my dreams. It makes me so turned on.

Got it. It turned you out. Yeah. When I'm supportive, being seen and supported. Okay. Biggest turn off.

When they get jealous or insecure. When I'm going after my dreams.

Oh, okay.

Because I'm like, you don't get me. Yeah.

Craziest place you've gotten busy. Unique place.

I don't know. Back of cars, bathroom in a club one time.

Got it. Not that crazy, sexiest part of your partner's body or anyone's body that you. A woman's body.

My partner's pretty sexy. I don't know. Just when she bends over. I don't know if she turns me on.

Awesome. What's the one thing that you wish you could tell your current or all future partners about your body's needs? What's the one thing when you're with a woman. You have a girlfriend now, but what does she need to know about your body?

When she connects to my eyes, everything opens up.

So true. Window to the soul and a lot of other things.

I mean, listen, I like when anyone goes out on me, but you know.

Who doesn't like a little blowjob now and then? Little blowjob. Okay. Got it. That was very good. We're gonna get in some emails. Thank you, Lewis house.

Yes.

You having fun?

I am.

Good.

I love it.

We're going to the sex toy closet.

Let's do it.

It's really fun. Okay. Let's answer some questions first. Okay. Hey, guys, here's the deal. Guess what? I love getting your questions. We get hundreds of them. We try to get back to all of you. We really do. But guess what? When you text us, it's not only easier for you, but we're going to answer your questions first because we want more text. Here's the thing. It is so easy because you're on your. I know you're probably on your phone right now listening to the podcast. So you go to your phone and this is what you do. Ready? You type in 797979. Like you're texting a phone number, right? Like a real. It is a phone number, 797-979. And then you type Ask Emily one word. That's it. No, no hashtags, no nothing. Just Ask Emily. You do that. You press send. Guess what? A second later, boom, you get a link. You click on that link, and it's a form. And that form says, hi. Ask me your question. It's so easy, you guys. We're not gonna, like, sell it or spam you or text you weird things like free ipods or something. Remember we used to do that? The free ipod. Do they make us anymore? We would never do that. That's a fun way. You could also go to our website, sexwithelmily.com and send us an email there via the Ask Ask Emily tab. As always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Hi Emily, I really enjoyed the show. I've been listening a lot lately. I've been with my wife for almost six years and we've literally experienced every issue imaginable minus cheating. But I won't go into details because it would fill a book. She came to the relationship as a survivor, both physical and sexual abuse. And during all of this our sex life was pretty normal. We found some semblance of balance and saw our issues falling away after after moving cities and starting over. About a year and a half ago, we basically stopped having sex. She said she needed something but couldn't articulate what she wanted. I was confused and hurt and thought it might be because something I did. I wanted to take action. So I started reading books and articles about game theory. I read a lot about dudes preaching to other dudes and how to get more women. Terms like alpha and beta were thrown around. I was told to appear more like this guy and not like that guy and she'd be fun falling at your feet, begging for sex. I bought into this heavily, but here's the catch. None of it worked. I think it may have caused more trauma by trying this. This brings me to my question. Can you talk about toxic masculinity? The way we treat our partners could be potentially damaging and have consequences that I don't wish on my greatest enemy. How can we avoid this and be more aware? Thanks for your amazing work. I will eagerly await new episodes while I devour past ones. We've been actually been repairing our relationship as we to listen listen to your podcast. Thank you. Ryan, 27, Seattle Wow. Thank you Ryan so much for your email. I thought that this would be a great one that Lewis, how you could help me with here because. Well, first of all, it sounds like he read the game or something. I love the Neil Strauss is great. He's a good friend of mine and I love that he was in your book. But yeah, he read the game like that wasn't working and he wants to talk about being like the Toxic Man.

This is challenging because you know, again we go back to high school or college or whatever. When you see like the hot girl with like the bad guy, the guy that treats her wrong. Or you have a girlfriend and maybe has a boyfriend that's like. Treats her like crap, and you're like, why are you so turned on by that? Why are you so attracted to that? Or why do you stick around? So I don't know. You need to explain to me why women stick around with that, Because I've never understood.

Well, I'm not. Women need to do their work as well. So typically it's because if a woman have something from their past, it's a familiar pattern. So maybe, you know, her dad was a philanderer or maybe, you know, her first relationship was with a guy like that. And she also probably has low self worth. There's things. I mean, there's. There's a lot of reasons for it, but typically, most things. Most of our patterns in life and in relationships can be traced back to very early childhood memories of what happened. And we just tend to recreate those patterns. Or it could even have been our first heartbreak, our first love, and they were kind of a jerk. We kind of go after that. But typically, a lot of the reasons why we pick bad partners is when we're feeling like we're half a person and we need someone else to fill the other half to make us whole. And the best place to time to find somebody is when you actually are feeling more whole. Whole. Yes.

Yeah, it's smart.

So that's what I gotta say about that.

Yeah, that's tough. I think you gotta. I mean, listen, everyone's different. So I think asking her what turns her on, asking her what makes her feel alive, asking her what he could do. Say how he looks at her and what makes her feel the most sexually desired.

Right.

And then lean more into that. And that might be a challenging conversation to have, but.

No, I think so too, because I feel like you're reading these books, you're doing these things. What about talking to her more? It sounds like you guys have been together. Yeah, I kind of need to. It was our long email. You've been together for six years. It's your wife to me. Stop reading these books on your own. Do this work together. You're living with her and just being. Let's figure this out together. Maybe you guys read books together, you take classes together. You said she sought regular therapy. Maybe it's time for your own couples therapy. And I'm a huge fan of sexual therapy. Oh, my God. I know some. Some great therapists in Seattle. I know some great sex therapists. In Seattle.

I'll give him some advice, too. I mean, I had a girlfriend that, in the past, that wasn't as, like, sexually open, I would say. Not that I was, like, wanting to do kinky stuff, but just more like emotionally sexually open. Just always felt, like a little closed off. And I felt like it was affecting the way I felt. So I started asking her, you know, I want to. I have a request. There's some things that I would like to ask you about and what I like. And I'd love to learn what you like as well. That would turn you on, that make you feel open. Because I feel like I'm not getting everything that I want and desire as well.

Right.

And it worked. It was scary because you don't want to offend someone or hurt someone or make someone feel bad or whatever. So it took me months of not asking because I was like, well, we'll figure it out or I'll learn.

No, it never figures out. That's a. Yeah.

It's just, like, asking. And I was, like, very specific. I was like, when you do this specific thing, it drives me crazy. In a good way. When you do this. When you look at me this way, just to, like, embed these suggestions.

Exactly.

And then she started doing it, and I was like, damn, I feel good.

Exactly right. And I think that it is. It's talking about, like, what are the things that. What really turned you on? What are you looking for? What? You know, I always love the bucket list thing. Like, you each write down the three things that you both want to try and you exchange a list.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, I love that one. I mean, so there's a lot of different ways you guys could do it together. Because when you said she stopped having sex with you, there could be a lot of reasons for that, but I think that you might be trying to figure it on your own and really, like, she's going to have to be part of this equation because you're not gonna read her mind. Hi, Emily, thanks so much for your podcast. I've been listening for two years. I'm seeking some advice about comparing yourself to a partner's ex. In my case, a girlfriend's ex. I find myself dwelling over men before me, and it's giving me anxiety. Perhaps they had bigger muscles and bigger everything. Was their sex more adventurous? Was it more pleasurable? I give my girlfriend what she requires emotionally, and we have great sex. I just can't help but compare myself to other men. Any advice or discussions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Dylan, 26, Chicago area. Yeah, I mean, we all get insecure, right? In relationships, I think that men also have a really hard time thinking there was ever a penis that came before them.

The worst feeling, right?

Like, you're like, there were other penises. And they ask about it. They're like, how many? And they're like, oh, my God, there were that many.

So much has shifted for me in the last couple years. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's like you're in LA and everyone's talking about open relationships. Maybe it's like a different conversation out here. I used to be so jealous and insecure of the guys that girls dated in the past. Like, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to hear about it. I didn't want to, like, know what positions you're in or what happened where. And it would, like, drive me nuts when that, like, was in my mind. If I knew something had happened, it was like, God, I couldn't get it out of my mind. And I hated that feeling. Comparing and always trying to, like, one up the last guy or something.

Exactly.

And for some reason, something had changed in the last few years. And I think that happens when we don't want to be alone and we don't want to feel like she could leave for someone else or someone better. And I used to always feel that way. Like, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want them to leave me unless I left them or whatever. You know what I mean? And now I've just come to a place where I'm like, you know what? I can be with my girlfriend now and I cannot be with her. And it's. If it doesn't work out or she wants someone else, I want her to be happy. I ultimately want her to be happy. And if it's not with me or if she had fun in the past, I want to embrace that.

Right.

And it's, like, hard to do. I mean, it took me 32 years of my life to get to that point because I was the complete opposite. I felt constantly conflicted when another guy ever touched her and that guy was around still or whatever, they were friends. It was like, no, you can't be friends with me. But I think it's just like, inner peace again, working on, like, working on this.

What is his message? Do we know? I'm not laughing spot here. But, yeah, he's kind of talking about his insecurities right here. So that is being vulnerable.

But, yeah, I think it depends on how.

I don't know.

It could be. Could be stoic. If he's not expressing it to her, it could be stoic. Could be even alpha as well. I mean, the alpha is the one, right?

She's got muscles.

Things that the alpha is the one who's like, I'm gonna protect myself. I'm gonna, like, prove that I'm, like, the bigger man.

Exactly. I mean, I think is that we all do get insecure. Insecure. And I'm wondering, like, is there something in you that's making you insecure? Did someone say something to you once that you feel like you have a smile? Because he said his penis. He's like, well, maybe his penis was bigger. There's something that you're thinking that you're not good enough. And I'm going to take a gander here, Dylan. I'm. This is probably coming out in other areas of your life as well. Probably in your work relationships where you're just not feeling like you're. You're fully yourself and so. But your. Your girlfriend's with you. You guys are having great sex.

Yeah. I love.

You're emotionally connected. There's actually no problems. The good news here is that the problem's in your mind and your thoughts. And those thoughts aren't you. That's not necessarily you. So you can easily change this. You know, the past should be her past. And I think when you find yourself. You do a little trick when you find yourself thinking those thoughts, take yourself into the moment and think about, like, this connection that you guys that you're having with her. And then just be grateful for something that you have, a connection you have with her. And that's. That's hard work.

And you also just gotta be confident in yourself. If you are constantly insecure, that means you get to work on your inner confidence, your inner peace. Like, what are you afraid of?

What's the worst thing that can happen?

And what have you not embraced? Yeah. If, like, you're afraid of. You've got to really embrace those fears. And then you can walk around in your relationship and be like, you know, if this doesn't work out, like, I'm okay. It's going to hurt and it's going to suck, but I'll be okay.

Exactly. Cultivating confidence is the most important work, I think. Top three things we all need to work on. So thank you, Louis.

Thank you.

Fabulous having here. This is so fun. It's been a long time in the making.

This was very powerful for me. So thank you for letting me share.

Me too. It was really great. I'm really happy for you. I'd love to see you growing into this man that you are and setting a great example for men and women out there.

Always looking to improve on my flaws.

It's true. It's great. Or just challenging yourself. We all have flaws. If we did. Here's the thing, like, why do I have all these things? I'm like, we are put on the planet. That is our job is to deal with our flaws, our childhood issues, our insecurities. Like, couldn't we just look at it like our other job? Like, really, that's truly. If we didn't have. I don't even believe you were like, I got a perfect childhood. Guess what?

Something was missing.

Something. Something's happened. Not because, not in a negative way that I'm always looking for the downside. It's just. It's just kind of the reality. So, anyway, thank you for bringing this to life. Your journey is going to be. Is going to continue to be enlightening and inspiring for so many men and women. Lewis Howes, check him out. He's at Lewishouse across the board. And this will all be on the podcast on the website and all that. And thank you to my amazing team. I love you all.

Yeah, Team.

Don't I have a great team?

Yes, Team.

Oh, my God, they're so great. Thank you, everybody. Thanks to Ken, Jamie, our intern, Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. And just thank you everyone for listening. I love you. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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