The Most Common Fantasy in America (You'd Be Surprised)

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You shouldn't have to be fighting for your partner's approval.

Mm, mm, no, not at all. And you don't need to change your body, you don't need to change what they want. He's telling you he wants something that's different, then just like, listen to that. And maybe some therapy would be helpful because I feel like when we hear sometimes these kind of things from our partners, we're just worried that it is you and it's something that you did. But I can tell you after many, many years of hearing these kind of scenarios like this really isn't about you and it's actually more about him.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleas and liberate the conversation around sex. We're answering more of your hotline calls in today's episode and I absolutely love these. Your questions help all of us navigate the real, sometimes messy situations that come up in our intimate lives. Today, my producer Erica and I are diving into fantasies Relationships and fantasies. In relationships, we're talking about cuckolding and why it's actually one of the most common fantasies in America. How to move on when you're still living with your ex, dealing with a partner who judges your fetish, and recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship. These calls are so important. They're about understanding our deepest desires and knowing when to stop fighting for someone's approval and start honoring what we truly need. I'm so excited to walk through these scenarios with you. All right, let's get into the episode.

This is from Anonymous. She's a female, 40, in Massachusetts.

Hi, Emily, this is Anonymous. I'm 40 years old. My boyfriend is 44. We are in Massachusetts. And my question for you is my boyfriend wants to watch me have sex with another man and he wants to be part of it. He says it will turn him on watching me. He finds me so attractive and he wants to see me come from another guy and be there in part of it. Being able to kiss me and touch me. And I don't know what to think of this. What does this mean? What is it going to open up in the future? He says it would be a one, one thing and done and no one that he knows that we would find someone safe. But I just would like to know your opinion and perhaps experience with the circumstance. Thank you.

First, you have to know that cuckolding is what we call this. Typically it's a heterosexual couple where the man has a fantasy seeing his partner with another man. That's typically how it shakes down. It's one of the most common fantasies in America for sure.

Wow.

So I'm glad this is coming up. Cause we gotta talk about it. So first let me tell you this, Anonymous. It's common. I love that you are slowing down and asking more questions. Okay. Because it is sort of fraught. Like there's bringing you to the bedroom, bringing someone you don't know. But I have a question for you, Anonymous. Number one, is this hot to you? I couldn't tell from her voice if she's into it. Would you be into this? Cause that's the first thing. Remember this with any fantasy, you both have to be on board with it. So if this is interesting to you and interesting to him, there needs to be a few more conversations and that is, you could ask him, tell me more about it. Like let's walk it through. Maybe we could dirty talk it when we're like in the bedroom or fooling around. Like let me know what this looks like. What does he picture that the guy looks like, what kind of sex acts are happening? What are you doing? Because the more you guys can visualize or maybe you can talk about at dinner over drinks, but just, I think you both have to get clear on what that scenario is and then feel it in your bodies. How does it feel? Sit with you when you think about yourself with another man? Are you turned on? Are you a little bit nervous? If you are nervous or you have some concern what's coming up for you, and have the conversation with your partner, have it all out now and figure out, like, how would you meet this person? Or more about what kind of sex acts are on the table. Is there anything that's off the table? You know, would you be going to dinner first, getting to know them? Would you be blindfold? Would this person come into a hotel room? You know, would you use your real names or wouldn't you use your real names? Would you. Would you be using protection? What kind of stuff would be happening?

Why do you think that this is such a common fantasy?

Well, there's different theories on that. It's really taboo. When you think about the list of what's taboo, right? This is one of those up there. Like, especially they have found that people who tend to lean a little bit more conservative have this fantasy over others. Because if you tend to have more conservative values, you really hold the sanctity of marriage and commitment in very high regard and family. And so to think I would ever want to see my partner with somebody else is sort of an ultimate taboo. That's one thing. I mean, there's other theories too, that it's about this sort of, I could say humiliation fantasy. Like, I'm gonna let my partner do that, and that's humiliating to the point where it flips and it's a turn on.

Right? So it's like a core erotic desire.

Core erotic desire around maybe being humiliated or seeing a partner with someone else feels very shameful. But then it flips and it's erotic. Which, by the way, is actually a healthy expression of eroticism. And especially if there's boundaries set and you're, you know, talking about it with your partner. So those are some of the reasons. And also, like he said, it might not be anything like, I mean, it might not be either one of those. It might just be that, like you said to her, I am so turned on by you, and I think you're so hot. And just to see you have even more pleasure is my core erotic desire. Like, to be that much of a giver and to see my partner take it to the next level with somebody else is just a turn on. Because to see my partner ecstasy gives me ecstasy. And we call that compersion. The term compersion sort of relates to this scenario where I actually am getting deep pleasure from my partner's pleasure. Those are all the theories why and the reason why I don't say it has to be this or that one is because it might be a combination of that. This is what I love about human sexuality, is that I'm just out here giving you all information and then you can think about which one feels right to you and lands right in your body. So then you can make some more decisions around this.

I also am curious in situations like this, whether it's cuckolding or another fantasy, when a partner really wants it to happen, the other one is a little more hesitant and the partner who wants it says it's gonna be a one and done scenario. Is that ever really true? Is that kind of just a way for them to do it once and get them to do it more? Like, what do you think about that?

This is a really important distinction here. So I think that she has to drill down a little bit more. You should ask him. Like you're saying it's one and done, but what if we both love it? What if you really love it and you can't get out of your head? Let's talk about the fact that it might not be one and done. Because now he might be saying one and done just to get her to do it. And if this has been a fantasy or let's say it's a core erotic desire of his, it might not be one and done. So I think be realistic here and just say, like, what's the actual situation here? Yeah, what's really going on?

Do you think that's ever a fair argument when trying to have your partner do a fantasy?

I think that we have to pay attention to the fact that, like, we probably say those things to get our way and to get our partner to do something, it's okay to retract that and say, you know what, it might not be one and done. Because what do we really like it? Like, we're talking about sex here. If you really like something sexual and you're going out and trying something new, like, let's leave it open that a possibility that we both love it and we want to do it again now if this actually does happen with them. An important point here is that after this happens, they need to debrief, they need to talk about where we both turned on, did we like it, what went right, what went wrong, and how would we. If we do it again, what would it look like? So it's important to sort of do a review, if you will.

Yeah.

And see what worked, what didn't. Because this is very delicate for a committed relationship. This is why Anonymous is asking this, because she's like, this isn't something that my girlfriends were taught me about at lunch today. You know, this isn't common. I haven't heard this a lot. It's new territory and we really have to, like, understand it. And so that's exactly what it is. You know, what if he's really into it? She's not. What if she's really into it and he's like, nope, I don't want to do it.

Right.

He's like, never gonna do that again. And she's like, I loved every moment of it. So when we're playing with our sexuality and with a partner, we have to be open and say, I'm not sure what's going to happen here, but we care about each other enough. We have a really solid commitment, we love each other, we have great communication skills, and we're going to figure out the way that we can both get our needs met in this relationship. And that might mean that it happens and it might never happen again if you don't.

And it can't still be used as fodder for dirty talk.

As you say, that's the best thing when people explore, people open up or they swing and they find like, it's not like it's every time they have sex. But sometimes one scenario like this playing out a fantasy once can work for like months. Dirty talk for like months or years to come. Remember that time when we found that guy? We were in Las Vegas and we got a hotel room like, that was really hot. And that could be fodder for years to come. So there's a lot of different ways you can slice this scenario here, but just make sure that you guys are on the same page and practice really comprehensive communication.

Thanks, Anonymous.

Thanks, Anonymous. Let us know how it goes. This is from Nicholas, 33, in Dallas, Texas.

Hi, Emily. My name is Nicholas from Dallas. I am 33, new, so I'm currently living with my ex boyfriend. Mainly because we have six months left on our lease and we both didn't want to break the lease or anything. We've been split up for about seven months now. And I'm kind of having a hard time, I guess, dating or Being intimate with someone else. Obviously I'm not over him, but I know, like, it's a done deal type thing. We've already had several conversations about it and everything. I'm just not sure, like, how to get back in to being intimate with other people, feeling the same sensations, everything. I know people think, oh, you're a male, any hole is a good hole. You know, that type of thing. But obviously it's not the same for me. Either I finish too quickly or I don't finish at all. And it's just not a pleasurable experience for me. Thank you. Bye.

All right, Nicholas, thank you so much for your question. And sounds tough right now to be broken up with somebody, but to still be living with them. So go easy on yourself. That feeling like you can have a clean slate and that you're fresh to go out and meet someone new and be really in your body and connecting, it's really hard when you get home every night. And your ex boyfriend, you're still seeing him every day, right? So let me just normalize that for you. That's not easy. But what you're also saying I think is interesting that everyone says, oh, it's just a hole and you're a man and no, we're all so different. So me, I love that you're able to say, yeah, I get that some people feel like that, but that's not for me. I just want to assure you that when you're ready, I believe, like, really ready. And that might be when you guys are no longer living together. Or maybe when you find someone that you feel comfortable with and you're ready, you will get the sensations back. You will learn to feel connected again. It takes time. When we're with somebody for a while and they become the person that we're having sex with. Remember, there's muscle memory, there's our brain plasticity, and all the things that get connected to the way we get aroused. He's currently your source for that. And now we're looking at transferring it so you can be with somebody else. And sometimes that's a really quick leap. You know, just because you're ready, maybe in your mind, doesn't mean that all of you is really ready. And again, because you're living together, it makes it a little bit more challenging. So I would say just go easy on yourself. And maybe you could start to expand your friend group by just going out with people and being in the experience of making new friends and seeing people that you may or may not be attracted to. But how great to meet people in an environment that feels less like, this is a date and I should feel aroused and I should be turned on, but something that's just more casual as you're getting used to being single again and being out there in the world and putting less pressure on yourself to be in a connected sexual place and a greater emphasis on just feeling connected to people out there in your community. Sometimes I feel like that's what's going to work. And it's a more holistic approach to healing from a breakup and moving on than just, I got to find someone else.

Right? A replacement, an instant replacement versus reconnecting with yourself after a breakup. What do you look like as a single person? How do you live your life? And again, I understand that's this is a really complicated scenario because it's hard to live like a single person when you're still living with the person you were coupled up with. And especially if your ex boyfriend is moving on themselves. That would be tough if, like, I could definitely see, you know, the tendency to compare yourself to your ex. And that's when we're not living together.

And now you're like, seeing him walk through the kitchen in his boxers, like, making coffee.

Right.

If he's still doing that, I mean, that's just not easy.

Exactly.

So go easy on yourself. You said you've been split up for seven months now. That's not a long time. In the overall relationships, we have to remember that we are not rubber bands. We don't just snap back. Our brains are just like, okay, now I'm ready for a relationship. No, our entire bodies are connected to this person. Our brain, our body, spirituality, physicalities. Like, there's ways that we get into the groove of being with someone, and we can't just automatically pop out of a relationship into another one.

Exactly. Enjoy your time being single. There's no need to rush to getting back in another relationship just because you just got out of one.

Right? Exactly.

Wait for the right person.

So true. There's this notion that when we're single, it's just a stopover to relationship, that we're somehow like, broken or incomplete as single. But being single is a really, I think, a delightful time for growth, for understanding yourself. And don't forget the relationship with yourself of masturbation and giving yourself pleasure. So you're not automatically linking that pleasure to your past, but you're also able to have a bridge here where you're really having great solo sessions with yourself before you get out there and date as well. It's all going to help fuel you towards the relationship that you're looking for in the future.

Especially because he did talk about he finishes too quickly or not at all. Or if you really reconnect with your solo sex, your masturbation, that'll be great.

If it's not a pleasurable experience for you, don't do it. Yeah, no pressure. Can we all just take the pressure off ourselves right now? What are you pressuring yourself for? Think about it. It could be anything in your life right now. Is that necessary? Do you need to be pressuring yourself and being hard on yourself? Because most of us do that and we don't need to when we really are able to take a look at it. So I give everyone permission right now to take their foot off the gas and let go of one thing that you're being really hard on yourself for right now.

Love that.

It's gonna feel so much better.

Thanks, Nicholas.

Thank you. Hold the phone. We'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors to answer more of your hotline calls.

Caleb, 33, in Southern California.

Hi, I'm 33 years old in Southern California. And.

Yeah, like, I just had a question about just kind of like sex and communication. My wife and I don't really have really great communication with them, but I'm also into something called abdl or abdl and I suppress a lot of things just because she's not into it or thinks it's completely wrong. Some, like, demonic and just like, wants nothing to do with it. And I thought it would be something that I could live without, but because I'm suppressing things and unable to talk about it, it might jeopardize our marriage. Like, I just don't know, kind of like what to do. Like, is it normal and is it something that I would grow out of or can eliminate or is it just because this kink is here? It's just who I am in a way. I don't know if that's really a question, but hopefully you can answer it.

Thanks, Caleb. So appreciate you and your question. So just to clarify here what he's talking about, I think that's important. What he's talking about is adult baby diaper fetish. And so what this is, we call it age play. It's a specific form of fantasy role play where your partner is embodying a different age than they actually are. So we hear that with DDLG or Daddy Dom little girl, where you're playing a little girl and your partner's playing the daddy and so in this one in particular, he wants to play an adult baby, but in a diaper and have his partner sort of infantilize him. We call it paraphilic infantilism. Just people understand what it is. Basically what he's saying is he wants to be in a diaper and have his wife partake in this fantasy, which is one that's a little bit more intense and would take some really deep understanding of the psychology behind it and what you actually need. And it's really not for everybody, which I understand it's part of a core erotic theme. A lot of us have these core erotic desire that we have since childhood, and there's things that we actually require for arousal. This might even be a fetish. So when we have a fetish, a fetish is something that's a requirement for arousal. Like, basically what he's saying is he would need to be in a adult diaper with his partner, participating in, you know, caretaking or whatever that fantasy is for him to be aroused, for him to get erection, to be turned on. If you have an adult diaper baby fantasy, it's a nice to have. It'd be really fun every once in a while to play around with this. But I don't need to have it. A fetish is required. A fantasy is a nice to have. It sounds to me like with the suppression that he's doing, it's a requirement. Caleb, my recommendation is you could take some more time explaining to your wife what it actually means for you when this desire came about, what you understand about it, how it might look in your relationship if you actually want it to be actualized. Is it once a month? What would she have to do? What's it like? So maybe there is a point where she's like, I really love you. This took me off guard. I didn't really understand it. But I love you and I will do anything that you need to be turned on. Yes, I can do it once a month, twice a month, and we could do other things. Or, you know, she might say, I hear you. I'm out. It's not my jam. It's not my thing. I really hope that you understand that. First off, Caleb, I think it's wonderful that you are able to express this to us and to your partner. And I know that if she isn't the right partner for you, that you can find somebody who will be, that will be able to share this fetish fantasy with you. It's just something that we don't talk about a lot. We might not have another understanding around it. But yeah, if this is a core desire and actually a fetish, then we're gonna have to find a way for you to get this need met in a relationship with a supportive partner.

Yeah. I wonder if your wife would feel comfortable with you working with some sort of sex worker in the sense that there are actually sex workers who sometimes don't even touch you. It's truly like to help you feel that core erotic desire. Or sometimes there are sex workers who only touch you from the neck up. Like you can set different limits.

Yes, absolutely.

So there could be a world in which you get to experience that core erotic desire of infantilization without your wife having to partake in it, or without you having to separate or go outside the marriage, or you can open up. There's a lot of different ways to get your needs met.

There's a lot of different ways. And I do know, actually some men who do pay for dominatrixes and people to sort of have their fantasies filled while their partners are like, I'm out of there. It's like outsourcing. It's like outsourcing parts of your sex life. And while that might be very extreme to many people, this is the world we live in now. There's a lot of ways to get access to people who would want to share in certain fantasies with us. This is where relationships have to start to have healthier conversations around boundaries and what's hot and what works. But once we get our head around the fact that we can all get our needs met in relationships with really excellent communication, I think this could be a viable option. If she's down with it, we just have to get her to understand that it's not about emotions, it's not about him having an affair. It's not about any of that. It's really just about getting this really core need met and she can't do it. And who knows? Like, maybe if he does find a way to get it met, then they could find other ways to please her. Maybe this will give her an opening to start exploring what her core fantasies are and her core arousal.

But I love that he doesn't feel any shame about it. It. It doesn't seem like it.

No, that too. He's like, well, I'm going to, you know, figure out what works. Yeah, I'm not going to suppress it anymore, cuz I can't. Like, here's the other thing. If you have a fetish, it's really hard to suppress it. It doesn't go away. Just Cuz you suppress it, it's going to rear its head and it's going to kind of just keep speaking to you and asking you to pay attention to it so you can have a fulfilling sex life. So that's what happens. Thanks. Caleb Ishani, 34, in Washington D.C. hi.

I'm a 34 year old female and I live in the D.C. area. I've been dating a 41 year old for over a year. We broke up back in January because he felt like we weren't sexually compatible. So I asked him what he needed. He gave me examples of what he needed. A lot of them were porn related. I also felt like he wasn't meeting my needs or initiating what I needed. So that ended up in us breaking up because sometimes he would lose his erection. I think he was just frustrated. But when we first met, we had sex like every single day for like two months. We ended up getting back together. I was working on things that, you know, he wanted out of me in sex. But it's like he would never initiate having sex with me or guiding me and telling me what he wants more of or anything like that. I'm not sure if he just thinks I'm not capable of doing it, but we ended up breaking up again. And this time he told me that he feels like he's not as physically attracted to me anymore or at times and sometimes he doesn't want to have sex with me and he still thinks that we're not sexually compatible. When I asked him what he doesn't find physically attractive about me anymore, he's like, I like women that are curvier, which I am curvy. But then he said like an example was like having muscly thighs. My body hasn't changed since he's met me. It's been the same. And so I'm just confused. I feel like, you know, I've tried to do everything I could in the relationship and you know, I was also pregnant before he broke up with me. The day before was telling me that he wanted to grow and have a family with me. And then like 12 hours later he broke up with me for not being sexually compatible and not being as attractive. So I would love more input. Thank you.

First, I just want to say that this sounds like a really tricky situation and it sounds hurtful. He's using language that is just not really kind and he's a little bit all over the place. He's attracted to you. He's not attracted to you. You're back and forth. First, let me unpack this. Okay, I'm going through your question here. First, you said when you met, you had sex every single day for two months. We all do. Okay, not to belittle this, but I just want to say this to everybody. That sex is usually great in the beginning of a relationship, and that's how usually we stay with somebody is because those early days, fueled by new relationship energy and the best cocktail of hormones is something that we all just really cherish and covet. And we tend to go back to that. We want that back, but remember, it doesn't last forever. And then we have to create a new kind of depth and a new kind of connection as we move into a relationship. Sounds like he's just saying things that are a little bit hurtful to you. And I don't really think this is about you, per se. He's saying that he wants you to be curvier and your body hasn't changed. It just sounds confusing. And then you're pregnant and he broke up with you. And, like, I just think this sounds like a little bit toxic, that whole thing about wanting you to change on a physical level. Whenever I hear things like that, I just hear people. Mostly it's about their. Themselves and him not really understanding his own sexuality right now and maybe sort of blaming you and putting it on you. It's kind of working and it's making you feel bad. Again, I don't think this is conscious, and I'm sure that there's a lot of wonderful things about him, but since we don't have the language, it's just a lot easier to say, well, you're not as curvy as I want, and you're not doing the things I want, and. And I'm in it, but I'm not in it. So I just think for you, this could just be a great sign for you to maybe end this relationship once and for all and really work on what you want sexually. It says that here you're doing a lot of servicing of what he wants, and you keep trying to do what he likes, which is very common, especially being a vulva owner in society. A lot of us want to do what our partner wants, but I think the more you can take the time to figure out your own body and your own pleasures and what makes you feel good in a relationship and finding partners who are open to having conversations about what mutually feels good to both of you instead of like, sort of leaving it all in your partner's hands to decide what's good.

Sex, the pregnancy. I think Kind of throws a wrench in it. Obviously, if you need his care to co parent, that is crucial. But I think if there's no baby involved, I would really question what your reasons are to stay in this relationship. I think that you sound like an amazing person who could find someone who loves you just the way you are. You shouldn't have to be fighting for your partner's approval.

No, not at all. And you don't need to change your body. You don't need to change what they want. He's telling you he wants something that's different, then just like listen to that. And maybe some therapy would be helpful because I feel like when we hear sometimes these kind of things from our partners, we're just worried that it is you and it's something that you did. But I can tell you after many, many years of hearing these kind of scenarios like this really isn't about you and it's actually more about him. And so the more you can work on loving yourself, keeping your own pilot light lit, and figuring out who you are as a sexual being, you're going to bring that energy into a relationship and you'll be attracting partners who are into that collaborative energy of finding mutual turn on celebrations of each other as you are today. You feel like a partner just wants you to change all the time. That is not the ideal relationship to be in. It says that they're not saying you're okay as you are. They're dating you on potential and that never works. All right, thank you so much for your question and keep doing you.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook and X. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up and sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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