The Porn Paradox with Jayme Waxman

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes. They call in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com find us on all social media exwithemily. And you can also catch me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7pm on SiriusXM Radio Stars Channel 109 for even more awesome sex talk. We give you some sex in the news. We've got guests and mostly we're helping a lot of people just call in with their sex and relationship questions. Kind of like what we do here on our call shows. Except I am live and ready to take your calls 10 hours a week. So I hope you guys call in. And if you want to try out SiriusXM, you can do that. Get a free 30 day trial at sexwithamily.com sxm so I wanted to give you guys, my podcast listeners, a little taste of what you might be missing on Sirius xm. So my dear friend Jamie Waxon came by and it was such a good conversation. We took calls. We had really good, meaningful conversations and also helped a lot of listeners. So, so I want you to know that if you don't have SiriusXM, you can still call in and get your questions answered in the moment. 888-947-8277. Any weekday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 Eastern. So I really hope you enjoyed this interview with marriage and family therapist and sex educator Jamie Waxman. And again, you want to get a free trial, you can go to Sirius XM, get a free 30 day trial at sexfemily.com sxm I want to welcome Jamie Waxman, sex therapist. We wrote a book together called Hot Sex. She works for the center of Healthy Sex and you can check her out@waxman sextherapy.com. hi, Jamie.

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

I love seeing your face.

I love seeing you too.

I know everybody else can't see your face right now.

I love seeing. I know. I'm so happy you're here, James.

Thanks for having me.

I love how we met. We wrote a hot sec. We actually. Hot sex brought us together. Yes, but not in the way you might think. Think. We actually got matched up to write up. We got paired up to write a sex book.

I say that sometimes matchmaking really works.

It does work. Right? Right. Jamie was in LA and I was in San Francisco at the time. We did the book, we did the things and. Yeah. And everyone can still check it out if they want to Buy our book.

Still a very pretty book.

It is a bit. It's right here. We brought it out in case you wanted to walk down memory lane. There's so many other things. There are a lot of things for us to talk about. And Jamie is a marriage and family counselor in Los Angeles. And you focus a lot on sex.

I do. I also have my master's in sex education and I've been a sex educator for over 15 years. So I've really liked talking about sex and I really like talking to people about their relationships and their sex lives. And I just get such satisfaction as I imagine you do, because it's so hard for people to find someone that they can talk to these things about.

So.

So to have someone that they feel safe and not judged with, it's just an honor to have that sort of role in people's lives.

Yeah, really. And Jamie, I know you're so good at it. Jamie's actually gonna be my part time sex therapist. Right. See, you're never done. You're never done. Right. It's true. We're always learning. So, Jamie, so tell me. We were interesting. Cause we were having dinner. We had a really good dinner. That was fun. I love seeing, you know, it's always fun. And we found out that we're actually neighbors, which is awesome. Cause I moved and you moved and it's amazing. So I was thinking you were talking about your practice and I was asking you. Cause I've been curious lately. We. You know, what. What have the impacts of porn been? Everyone saying, oh, it's. People think it's scary and it can change. You know, is porn bad for me? Is it good? And people like, is it. Am I addicted? Am I not? And I know that you've been seeing. And you actually see patients who come in with certain. Yeah.

With certain porn challenges, certain problems around porn. Yeah. And I want to just say, to start that, you know, everything in moderation is always a good way to look at things. Right. However, and. And also that I've been very porn positive my entire career, my entire life. Still am. And also notice that as a result of sex education being primarily porn for a lot of people, the Internet, the access people have to porn, people using porn when they're not in relationships or even in conjunction to relationships, it really has taken a toll on a lot of sexual relationships and a lot of intimacy. I mean, you can. Look, social media would be another thing I would say. But when it comes to sexual porn has really sort of. It's done a little there there's times where it can do some damage in a relationship for sure. And I see a lot of it in male clients that come on in who have erection issues. Uh, it's really common. Um, either they can't get an erection, maintain an erection, get off with a certain partner. Sometimes it's just because they've been masturbating so much in one way that that's the way that they get off, or they've also seen sex in a certain way and think like, this is the epitome of sex. And if I'm just having sex with one person, that's so. And I can't really get into it. So there's. And they're not, again, not talking about it. This is being done in secret, right? And shame and secrecy and isolation, all of that comes together and makes this. Creates this problematic use of porn.

Right, exactly. And that's the thing. I don't. Everyone guy who's listening going, oh, no, I watch porn. Is this gonna happen to me? We're not saying that because with you like pro porn in many ways, but so what happens if you see someone and he comes in, he says, you know what? I no longer can get erections with my partner, with my wife. Because watching a lot of porn, like, where do you go from there?

I mean, I start with the real like, limit your porn use kind of mantra. I'm very directive in. I think sex therapy is often more directive than a lot of other therapy. So I would ask people, I do harm reduction. Right. So I'm not going to ask you to abstain from porn use, but I'm going to ask you to maybe take it down a notch. So if you're watching it three times a day or five times a day, and this is really, this happens a lot, I'm going to ask you to watch it once a day. And then in a few weeks, I'm going to ask you to not watch it every day. Or I'm going to ask you to start three times a day and go to one time a day and whatever works with you. But we're going to talk about what kind of porn use you're doing first. That's going to be the first question. Okay. And then from there I'm going to also find out what kind of porn you're watching, because that's going to play a big part in this. If again, if you're in a very vanilla, monogamous relationship and you're watching orgies and like, you know, stranger sex and all of this stuff, well, there's, there's something, there's a disconnect going on and either it's going to be exploring the fantasy, not necessarily the reality with your partner, or admitting to the fantasy to start with, but it's really gonna. I want to make people really aware and present around what they're watching. A lot of people are just, it's like numbing it, it's comfort. So you have to be present to where you're at.

So what kind of porn? So first of all, your, your patients are comfortable telling me, talking about it?

Yeah, I mean, they, they've already find me through like, you know, my own website or through center for Healthy Sex. They're coming in to talk about sex. And that's amazing too because a lot of marriage and family therapists, they don't.

Talk about, they really don't, which amazes me.

It's amazing.

They don't get the training.

No. And they don't ask when they're seeing couples. They don't ask them, how's your sex life? How often do you have sex? What's it like? You know, how long does it last? So I really find that being able to say like, look, we'll get into this when we get into this, but we're here to talk about sex. So in the first assessment, the first day I meet somebody, I'm going to ask them questions about their sex life just to get them warmed up. Even if they're not ready to answer everything. Let's just talk about what you are able to do, what you're comfortable with and you know, you, and then go from there.

Yeah, I mean, I think that, yeah, you're right. If they show up at your door, they're, they're ready to talk about it. So how hard is it for men? Like, I feel like.

That, that they can actually, you know, stop. Is it. Do you ever say don't watch porn and then go back to the good old fashioned, using your memory, using your mind, using your own fantasy life?

I always want to go there at some point or I want to use porn in the relationship if the other person is comfortable. But yes, if you say to somebody who's coming in and is watching a lot of porn, don't watch porn. It's kind of like saying to somebody who loves chocolate, don't eat any chocolate. It's going to be everywhere around you, but don't touch it. Right. So it's really hard to go cold turkey now. There are some people who can do it and that's great. But it's going to take a lot of determination. And, you know, if you work from home, it's going to take a lot of being. There's a lot of.

If you work from home. Like, when I worked from home, I was like, well, it is my job. Like, it's time to masturbate again. Right. You've got to get an office, you know? Right. I get it.

So instead of saying, don't do this thing, say do this a little less, and let's just see what happens. If you don't do it every day or if you want to do it, you call your partner or you text your partner something sexy or. Or you, you know, go. You take a walk. Like, let's see what other behaviors we can incorporate. Because the good news is if you stop or you reduce the use, most of the time you're going to be able to go and have sex in different ways. You're going to be able to connect with your partner or partners again in different ways. But you have to be willing to do this for the relationship to get. To get healthier.

Because it got what. It's almost like we're rewiring.

Yes.

Our brain and the way that we're thinking about sex, the kind of sex we're having. And, and. And it can't be. That's the good news.

Well, I mean, even, like, looking back, if. When you go back, when you first. A lot of people first are caught with porn, they're not of an age necessarily where a lot of people would talk to them about sex. And what people will do is say, don't watch that. Don't do this. So there's no language also around it, instead of saying, what did you just see? Do you want to talk about it? Right. So even thinking about if you have people in the house who maybe aren't being sexually active but have access to poor porn, that there's a really good conversation to start having now, which is just like, what did you see? Tell me what you saw. Let's talk about it so that I can tell you what a healthy relationship looks like.

That's so smart. So people with kids, let's say. Because what was a study that came out to say today, Jamie, that kids see porn at, like, by the age.

Of 18, almost every single kid has seen porn.

But it was like young boys. It was like 5.

It says here about like 38% of men first exposed to porn by age 11 to 15.

Yeah.

And I've read that by age 18, I think it's less than 1% of men have not watched, some have not seen some sort of porn.

Right? So, okay, so what happens? So with. This is such a great point. I remember, you know, I had a family friend, his kid saw a porn at like 8, and he was googling on his phone like, you know, ladies with big titty, pretty ladies with boobies or something. And it's like, you know, what. What do you do? So you're saying that if you. If you see it because parents, like most parents would do what you said, they say, no, no, no, don't ever do that. Wait. And then I'm just going to. If I was a kid, I'd be like, let me wait till mom and dad leave, because that's what I want to do.

I mean, what kid wants to talk to their parent about sex, right? So when a parent says to me, tell you. When a parent says, tell me what you saw. Let's talk about what you saw. And then all of a sudden, a lot of the shame goes away. And a lot of this idea that it has to be secret and that I'm not allowed to do this is not there. And the kid says, well, I saw big boobs. Oh, okay. Well, what was. Why did you decide to look for that right now? And let me tell you why right now isn't the best time to be looking at this.

And then what would you say?

I would say, you know, this is something that if big boobs are a thing, right? Like, yeah. Well, I might say, yeah, as women get older, their boobs get bigger. But let's not. But right now you're too young to be really concerned about a woman's breasts, right? Like, what else is going on in your life? You're going to have your whole adult life to look at boobs. What. What makes you want to look at them right now? Well, Bobby showed them to me. Oh, well, what did Bobby tell you about. Right. So I would really keep it normalized. Normal. And just like, you didn't do anything wrong. And I want to talk to you about why right now a healthy sex life doesn't involve you ogling over big breasts.

Exactly. Okay, so what about. Because I get this a lot about parents who have kids who are of age. They're like 12, 13, but they say, well, they haven't asked me yet, so I'm not going to say anything. Or they had sex ed in school. So how. And you're right. A lot of kids don't want to talk to their parents about sex.

I might say if, like a Parent. If a kid had sex ed in school, I might say, what did you learn about sexuality in school? Is there any, do you have any questions? Is there anything you, you want to talk to me about? My, I mean, I have a five year old daughter and from a young age I've been giving her like books. Like Corey Silverberg has a fantastic book called what Makes a Baby. It's not, it doesn't go into the ins and outs of sex, but it goes into eggs and sperm and IVF and all these other wonderful ways that you can have children. And my daughter understands that women have eggs and men have sex. And I don't make it as if that's like wrong to know that's biologically, you know, a factor that's, that's normal. So I'm not using it in a sexual way. I'm using this more in an educational way.

Right. So what about when kids. Which is great. I love that your daughter's adorable. Being like, well, seeing a pregnant woman in the street. So I know how that happened. But that's such a smart way to do it. But I feel like my mom. So she always said to me, well, if you have any questions, ask.

Yeah, but no kid's gonna ever ask.

I didn't even know what the questions were until years later. And I was like, oh, mom, my friends told me I should be having orgasms. I was like 20. And then I say, I don't know, I didn't know that. Or about masturbation. So I'm wondering what could have been happened, what could have been done so I would have known about it. I mean, I wish we talked about masturbation and pleasure to kids when they're younger.

I feel like right now, Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources that you can give an adolescent teenager about sexuality. Heather Corinna has spent years and millions of people have been really helped by looking at this website and just saying, you know, if, even if you saw your kid looking up big boobs, you know, before you go there, let's go to this site where you can learn a lot of what you need to know for when you're older. I think just knowing the resources that are out there or. And also by offering the resource, your kid knows that you're somebody that they can come back to potentially to talk about this stuff. And I think that's so important.

And we also have to train parents too. That is important because so kids know that you're a resource for them and not. Because what happens is when parents are Doing the opposite, which would be shaming and blaming, maybe, or like yelling at them for the first time. They masturbate. They don't remember when they were three years old and they said, no, honey, that's dirty. Do that when you're alone or don't ever do it. That's when it starts.

And I think it's okay to say do it when you're alone, but to say it's dirty, that, you know, that might feel really good and it might give you a lot of pleasure. And this is something that you don't do in front of other people. Right, right. So, again, taking the shame factor out, being able to say, don't do this in front of somebody else. I mean, yes, you don't. Your child, you know, sitting on the school bus and masturbating. But you want to be able to say it in a way where they don't feel bad about what they did because they don't understand. They don't have that logical brain. I mean, the female brain isn't fully developed till we're 25.

Right, exactly. So amazing. So important to remember that. That we are like, we're still in. We're still developing. So if you do have kids at home to talk about them just in a smart way without the shame and blame, because we do that. So I'm sure that a lot of you see couples as well. Yeah.

And for the record, I don't actually work with kids because of my focus on sexuality, but I feel it's really important to start educating at a young age. Just. I mean, even. I remember a sex educator friend of mine saying her daughter once said, mom, I'm sexy. And her mom said, sexy is an adult word. We don't use that to describes ourselves or describe ourselves until we're adults. But not. You can't call yourself sexy or you won't be sexy one day, or don't say that. Right. Not putting any shame around it, just putting a boundary. I think it's so important to create boundaries in our lives. It's what keeps things healthy. When we're too flexible in our boundaries, we give up too much. And that comes to relationships and communication and having a healthy sex life. If we don't have boundaries, then we don't feel good about where we're going and where we are.

So boundaries are tough, though, for people. They're.

Hey, boundaries.

What do you mean by that? You know, so I'm sure that a lot of the clients, Patients. Calm patients. You see clients, patients that you see in your Practice, like, let's say, is there clayance. Is there a typical, like, couple that comes in with you that is like, there's something around this? Because a lot of what I do is how people, you know, talk about it. I'm sure that's, you know, they're coming in is. What have you seen lately? Is there anything.

I mean, I do see a lot of pain. So that caller, you had Suzanne around the vaginal pain piece, that's so normal and typical and more common than people think. I see a lot of desire, discrepancy or so.

Yeah.

So one partner has a higher desire, libido.

I would say that's the most common thing that I see too.

Or somebody wants to try something and the other person is not into it. And instead of feeling empowered by what they want to try, they feel just disempowered by the other partner not validating their experience. I think the validation of any experience in relationship or in whatever is so important. Validation from our families when we're growing up, Validation from our partners just, even if we don't agree with the experience, just being heard, seen, and validated changes everything.

So give me an example of that in your practice.

So, like, for, for example, like, you know, if somebody says, I don't want to try this thing because I think it's disgusting, right? And the other partner is like, well, you mean you're not going to put a ball gag in my mouth and, like, tie my feet up and hang me by, you know, because you think it's disgusting. And the partner's like, yeah, even just saying, okay, I hear that you think it's disgusting, and I respect that. And let me explain to you. What, why it turns me on, right? Instead of getting into a fight and. And we often go and avoid each other. I mean, that was not the best example, but we often go and avoid each other. Instead of actually try and talk about what's going on, we want to isolate and just get away. We've been hurt and we're going to reject the other person. And I think instead of rejecting, we just need to reflect back to one another what we hear the person saying and not try and necessarily change them in that moment, but accept them. And then from there work on how can we come together, right?

Because that's the validation accepting part. Because I feel like. Because sex for people, so many people associate sex with shame. They've been shamed forever either. They don't bring it up and they just. Isn't it interesting? Jamie, do you find this that you find people, they're like, well, I brought. We talked about it. And you're like, well, what did you say? They're like, well, it was one time I said, I want to have a threesome. And she said she would divorce me if I brought it up again. So I haven't. And she thought it was disgusting. Like, that's it. Yeah. So I assume forever. And then. Then maybe that partner who was scorned, like, it just becomes this whole snowball effect.

Totally. It happens all the time.

All the time. So you kind of got to go back and real. And, you know, the way that you talk about these things is that when your partner brings up sex, knowing that they're probably coming from a vulnerable. They are coming from a vulnerable place, they may never have talked to anybody about it. So as much as you can put aside whatever judgments are, just listen and say thank you. And, like, reflect.

And I think, like you just said, if I go back to my example, just being able to say, wow, it must have been really hard for you to ask for what you wanted and that, you know, to ask for the ball gag and the ties and to be hanging, you know, upside down on the chain. And I just really appreciate that you felt safe sharing that with. With me again, changing everything by acknowledging and validating that the other person has an experience that is not exactly the same as yours or desire, which is common now.

Do you ever. So. So I think that's great, because I think also talking about this is that there's ways to have fantasies come true that aren't necessarily what they think. So let's say the ball gag, for example. We'll go back to that. They might be okay with just a blindfold. Right. Because it was something about domination, let's say. So just because your partner might have said something once, like, there's ways to kind of make fantasies work for both of you.

Yeah.

Just talking through. Talking dirty about a threesome and not actually having a threesome. That works.

Exactly, exactly.

Yeah. So there's other ways to play with it. It's not as absolute, as dire as you might think. There's. This is what I love about sex. And talking about sex is that people, you know, we make it such this huge thing, and that really, by talking about it in healthy ways, where you support each other, your whole world opens up sexually.

It's not black and white. It is 50 shades of gray.

It is 50 shades of gray. Jamie Waxman, thank you so much for being here. We are going take a break, and when we come Back. I'm taking your calls with Jamie Waxman.

Okay. We're back, and I'm here with Jamie Waxon, and we are talking to you. All right, what's going on?

We're going to Gary. He's 48 in the southeast, and I believe this is the first question that's come through in your two shows about stamina in.

I love it. Okay. Hey, Gary.

Hey. How's it going?

Good. Tell me what's going on.

I'm just trying. I'm dealing with a. I don't know if you'd say a lack of stamina, but it's just that when me and my wife are having sex, I want to be able to go longer. And there's times where I just feel like I can only go for two or three minutes, and then that's just all I can do, you know, not to, you know, to come at that point. And. And I feel like that.

I need. I want to be giving her more than that.

Of course. Yeah, I get it.

You know, and most of the time we climax together, even in that short window of time. But, like, I want to go beyond that, you know, five minute window or whatever.

Yeah, no, I understand that.

Okay.

Well, you came to the right place. No pun intended. This is where you should come, gary. So you're 48 years old. Has this been something that's been going on for a while, or is this fairly new for you to not last as long as you'd like?

I wouldn't say it's been, you know, I've noticed it more in the last year or so than probably, you know, in previous or whatever.

Okay. Yeah. That typically happens with men. It could be, you know, testosterone and kind of drop in your late 40s. There could be some other things going on, but I think. How's your foreplay situation? Do you guys, like, warm each other up?

Yeah, it's more me probably warming her up than anything else. And then she wants, you know, she wants penetration at that point in time.

Yeah, I.

Cause sometimes I think for men, too, we think, okay, you should always get hard and stay hard, but you might need a little foreplay, too, to keep it going. And sometimes I think a lot of this has to do with, you know, it could be something going on physically, but typically it's in our minds. You're like, oh, I'm not getting hard. Oh, there we go. Not hard anymore. So I think, like, it's okay to say, you know, to get hard, you go soft. She, you know, she can go down on you. She can please you. So there's ways that you guys can. Can work together to kind of, you know, help with this.

Going soft. It's just not.

Oh, you eject. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, got it. You're coming. You're coming before you want to. Okay, so there's. Have you ever. So how do you ever try doing your Kegel exercises? Can really help men last longer, stay harder, longer edging during, you know, masturbation. There's some ways that you can kind of learn your own ejaculatory control for guys. Like, you know, there's ways that she could also work with you so you can learn before you're about to go over. It's kind of a practice for men. And then there's also something that we love around here called Per messant, which is a quickly absorbing delay spray that can help men last longer in bed. Doesn't transfer to your partner. These are some things that we talked a lot about on the show. Different ways. Jamie, do you see people in your practice?

I do. And I think. I mean, one of the things I might say is, first of all, what positions are you using? Because if you have like a go to position or three, maybe finding a position that isn't as enticing can get you to last a little longer. I'm not sure if that's. That's something that you've tried. And the other thing that it sounds like it might start out feeling a little bit like a drag, but is to actually stop and actually let your erection go down. And then you have to build it back up.

Right, right, exactly. That's what I was. I was thinking it's a whole host of things, but to kind of not get attached to that, but. And. Yeah, exactly. Let yourself build up before you.

And like you were saying about foreplay, like bringing it back into the middle of play, like, it doesn't have to just be four. It could be middle and almost at the end of play.

Right, exactly. Like. Right. We think of sex as so linear when I think it's really hot. When you can make sex last long time by going in and out of foreplay and sex and kind of playing with it. And that to me, you guys have been together at your wife. It could be really hot. That could be the variety that you need, you know, to kind of switch things up and not think about it as in such a linear way.

Okay, and what was the. You said something about a spray.

Yeah, it's called promescent. And promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray. You can find it, I think. Is it on our site or you can Google it? And on our site you can find sexwithemily.com. we talk about it a lot. A lot of men love that you can last twice as long and doesn't transfer to your partner. So try that out, Gary. Let me know how it goes.

I love that it doesn't transfer to your partner.

It doesn't transfer. You wait 10 minutes. People have a lot of success with it. It gets amazing. Yeah, it's pretty good. There's a lot of other things out there, but I really like promescent. So try that out and keep your partner in the mix too, Gary, with this. Talk to her about it so it becomes both of you. You guys give us a call. 888-94-stars. That's 888-948-478277. I'm here with Jamie Waxman talking about sex. This is fun.

All right, let's go to sue. She's 60 years old in Washington, and she's recently bought her 20 year old son a sex toy.

I love it. Hey, Sue. So what'd you buy him?

Hi, nice to talk to you back. Well, what he did the other day, he's, he's 15 and a half, kind of immature, but I've always been really open with him about sex. And so he came to me the other day and he was real embarrassed, but he finally said, I want you to buy me something. And he had to write it down and it just said toy. So I said, I said, sure. I tried to talk to him about it a little bit, but he was real embarrassed. So I said, you know, go ahead and look. He bought it, he had to pay me back, but I used my credit card and then it came like two days later. Well, I'm divorced and my luckily I'm a very good ex husband. We share everything about our son. So I sent him this text just saying, oh, sex toy. And I. And I let him order one and he's like, wtf? And he was just so upset. So we finally talked and I said, I don't understand the problem. He's not out there having sex and possibly getting a girl pregnant and possibly getting an std. And he said, no, I'm afraid that he'll just want to do that and he'll never want to be with me.

Right, right, right, right, Exactly. Plot twist, right? So, okay, so what kind of toy did you buy him first? Let's talk about that. What did he ask for? He said he's 15.

Yeah, he picked it out. He went to that Adam and Eve site, picked it out.

And we're fans. Use code Emily.

It's a vagina thingy.

A vagina thingy. Oh, fleshlight perhaps?

Yeah, it's fleshy. He did show it to me.

Okay.

But it's like you put your penis in it and then, you know, it's.

Like a male masturbation sleeve. Uh huh. It is.

Okay. Yes, I guess that's what it's called. And see, I've always, I was raised to be very open about sex. I've been open with him. And my ex husband is, you know, a little bit more regular. He just so worried about every little thing and so, you know, wants to control everything. I think part of it is maybe he doesn't see his son as a sexual being yet.

Right. So this is more concerned about your communication with your husband, Your ex husband. Right?

Yes.

Really?

And like, I think he should have this toy. And my ex husband is saying, no, take it away from him. I don't want.

I don't think you can take it away from him. I think that continued. Yeah, I think that it's about, it's about continuing to just talk to your, to your son about it and maybe to not get too reliant and dependent on the toy. And there's nothing wrong with. There's no shame in it. But, you know, like Jamie and I were talking about earlier, we can get so set in our ways and we think, oh, I can only masturbate with this one thing. And he is so young at 15. So I don't have a problem with the toy. It's more about using it in moderation, just like everything else. So.

Right. And I, I actually told him his dad's concern and he's very, very worried about, you know, he really wants his dad to think the best of him. And so he actually gave me the toy back and said, I don't even want it. I don't want it.

Oh, see, but that's not great.

Talk about it. I don't think that's good either. Because then it's like a shame.

It is a shaming thing. Sue. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Okay. So now we've gone to like. Yeah. Cause it is shaming. So now he's gonna think that was wrong. And it says, dad, you know, it's so hard to talk to our parents about sex. Like, when you're a boy, you can't win because you don't want it to be judged. Talk to your dad or Your mom and it's uncomfortable. Even women, it's hard. So you know, young girls. So I think that the three of you might need to have a conversation about sex. The three of you should sit down and you know, you don't have to tell your son, we're all coming together. But when you guys, you know, when he's dropping him off or you're picking up or something and say let's talk about sex for a minute and let's talk about your feelings around this because I don't want it to become a thing. Thing with him. And like, and explain like I think you really. Because sometimes we think just because you said once to him, we don't want you to become reliant on it. He might have created a whole story in his 15 year old head thinking, oh no, this is bad what I do. And so really giving more information and letting him ask questions. You're asking questions, Jamie. Jamie Wax.

I think you're on the right track there, Emily.

Yeah. Yeah. So I really. And I want this to happen soon, sue. Because the fact that he gave it back and he, because here's what's gone. He's gone. This is that he got up the nerve to ask his mom and sue, you're cool, you got it. And then the dad comes down and now it's become a family thing. So the sooner we can kind of talk about this in a healthy way and then continue to talk about it, you're going to be great and so is your son. And I think it'll bring you all closer together.

About talking about it. But I just want it out there in the open.

Well, yeah, I'm still.

I also think if you model it where you guys are just having. You and your husband or ex husband are having the conversation and maybe your son's not so involved in just watching. He's watching. You guys have healthy communication around a disagreement that could be really effective and helpful as well.

Yeah. Because then he can make his own decisions. Yeah. Yeah, I agree, Susan.

He's getting mad at his dad. And I said, I said no, do not get mad at dad. Everybody has their own opinion.

Yeah, no, I think that's great. I think you got to bring them all together here and all three of you and then have a healthy conversation and continue to have that conversation. Thank you so much, sue, for calling you guys. Give us a call. It's 888-94-stars. 888-947-8277. This is Sex with Emily. I'm Emily Morse. I'm with Jamie Waxman. We're having so much fun tonight. So many great calls.

Let's go to Peter. He's 50, in New Jersey and always your favorite. He wants to know how he can spice it up with his wife.

I love it. Let's spice it up tonight. Hey, Pete. Thanks for calling.

Hey, Emily. How are you?

I'm so good. What's going on?

Good. Nothing. So I've been with my wife literally a lifetime. Long story, and I'll leave the details out, but literally, we were together very young and still together. There was a little hiatus, but things are, for the most part, okay. We've been through a lot of shit earlier on. I feel like we've been on, like, every end of every relationship you can imagine and, you know, of issues that could happen and we've overcome. That's how I look at it. And it's. Overall, it's a great relationship. I think our sex life is, like, probably a 90 on a scale of 100.

Amazing.

There's definitely something missing, and I can't put my finger on it.

Okay.

My wife is one. She's very, very dominant day to day, right? But she's very submissive during the act of sex.

Okay.

And she. And I'm. I feel like I'm missing something that I can't put my finger on. I know that she likes it rough. Like, she likes it hard, you know, in a sense. And I feel like I've done my part to try to do that, but I feel like it's still missing because I talked to her about it, and she shrugs it off like, I'm not.

Okay, well, here's. This is good, though. So we have good information here. So your sex Life is a 90. So, yeah, I want to clap for you like a 90 after spending your lifetime together. Okay. Like, yay. Like, most couples would not be a 90s. So you're great, and you're actually trying to do what you think that she needs. So here's the thing. I get it. A lot of women are more, you know, submissive. A lot of strong women submissive in bed. You know, I understand that. And she. She wants something specifically, but she can't really put her finger on it. That's why you can't either. So I think this is a case of you guys just saying, like, it's, you know, you two figuring out together what really does turn her on. So it might be, you know, rougher sex. It might be she wants a blindfold. She might want some spanking, and she might not Even know that she just know that she wants to be dominated. So, you know, it could be a matter of, like, watch. This is where porn is. Great. Finding some porn that might, you know, kind of perusing porn. And she can show you. Like, this is what would really turn me on. This is specifically what I would like. Reading some erotica together and going to a sex toy store. I mean, there's little things that you. Because you need more information from her. You do, because you're not a mind reader. And this could be something that you guys figure out together as long as. Do you find that hot, too? Like, do you want to be the dominant one? Continue to be dominant?

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, in the big picture, I'm really not, but I do. I do get off on it, you know, when we're having sex. I think it's good. It's a good role play, in my opinion.

Yeah.

But she knows. I feel she doesn't know what she wants.

Okay.

Because it's just that she just simply won't tell me. And I've tried to pull it out of her, but you nailed it on the head with maybe watching porn. They did bring it up recently that maybe we should watch porn because. Point it out to me. What am I missing? Because I'm missing something. I want to give it to her, but I'm not giving it to her correctly.

There's also a great list in the book, screw the roses, send me the thorns. And there is a list in the back of the book, and it says both dominant and submissive. And it lists a lot of different things that you might want to try with a number system. So you could go through some sort of list like that with your partner.

Yes, no maybe list.

Yes. Like a yes, no, maybe list. This is in particular to more kinky stuff. And it's in the. It's just a page in this book that you can actually find online called Screw the roses, Send me the thorns. And it's a checklist of different things that she may be open to. And again, if she doesn't have the words to express it or she's not sharing it for some reason, and you find it and it sounds like she wants you to pull it out of her.

Almost.

Right? Yeah, that's great. That's great suggestion there, Jamie, because there are. If she can't do it, you give her example. And these yes, no maybe list. She can just kind of. It could be like, I want a whip, I want a flogger, I want a blindfold, I want dirty talk like, she could really go down that list, and you guys could do it together. And you're also allowed to find what turns you on. You never know what you're gonna find out, Pete. So I think the two of you together could kind of reinvigorate this relationship, and you're gonna get to 100. So thanks for calling, Pete. I think this is great. I think the two of you working on this together, I don't know, 105%. I want to hear. Pete, you got to call us back and let us know. Thanks for calling, everyone, and call us with your questions. We are here. 888. 94 stars. 888-947-8277. Jamie, I'm sure so many people call you with or come in to see you with the spicing up.

I actually go through the lists with a lot. Like, different lists with a lot of couples so that they have different ways to communicate, and I can be there to help negotiate when something comes up.

That is so great for couples. I love that. We should have had one of those on our site too. Like the yes, no, maybe.

Right?

Yeah. So definitely.

People don't even know. They're like, I know what I want, because she might not even really know, and that's why she can't explain it.

Yeah.

You know, so it might have. That she's withholding. It's more like she can't even put the words out. So great advice. Another call.

All right. Steve, 52, in Canada and need some.

Advice as his wife is going through quote, the change.

Oh, the change. Hasty.

Hey, guys. How are you? How's everybody tonight?

We are doing so well. We're having so much fun. Tell us what's going on, Steve. She's going through the change.

I've actually listened to your show, and the advice you guys are giving is just incredible.

Well, thanks, Steve. I'm gonna be here every single night, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8, 10 Eastern. So thank you for joining the Sex with Emily family.

Yeah. So, like, my wife is 55, and she's at least in my opinion, she's going through the change. She stopped menstrual cycle, the whole bit.

Menopause is the change that we're talking about. Okay.

Yeah. So we're like, she's. She's got a beautiful build Link. Neither one of us are overweight, you know, so we've got the physical attraction. Yeah. Just. She's not into it. Like, I'm worse now than I was when I was 18, and worse now or better now?

You have more desire, you mean than when you were 18?

Yeah, I'm a nutball. But, you know, when we. When we do, which is like three or four times a year, it's really, you know, falling off. When we do, like, she does the whole female ejaculation thing, and after 10 minutes, she's. She's wiped out. She's spent.

Mm.

And what. Like, how. I don't know what it is that I'm not getting angry at. I don't fight with her or anything like that. Very Love each other to pieces, but I just. I don't know how to handle.

Right.

How to handle her being. And it's not that she, you know, like, emotionally she wants to. It's physically, she's just not in.

Right. I mean, there's a lot of change that happens with women. You know, she could be. You know, her desire drops, and she might feel, you know, more dry. There could be more pain. There's a lot of things that can happen with women as they go through menopause. She might not even really know. So I think. Is this something that you guys are actually talking about together?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. We've discussed it several times. And again, without any anger or anything.

That's great. No, it sounds like it's. It's healthy communication. So I think that, again, there's something about, you know, for women, and it's true, like, it does change over our lifetime. There's different times in our life. We want sex more than others. But she your age as well. She's in her 50s, 52 years old.

She's 55.

Okay. Yeah. You know, it's like. It's. It's these, you know, ebbs and flows of our sex life. So I would think that maybe you guys have to change. I would suggest that you change the way you guys are looking at your sex life. So it's not so much about, you know, you're going, you know, penis and vagina sex. And it's the traditional way. There might be, you know, using toys or playing with each other, maybe more foreplay, giving her more time to kind of warm up and to feel good and to find other things that might really, you know, make. So I. Because I think it's important for her to keep her pilot light lit, to continue to feel sexual, even when her body might not be telling her that. And I love that you're not, like, shaming and blaming her, but I think she might have to get to know herself again at this stage in her life.

Yeah. And I would Also encourage you guys to share appreciations with each other every day. Something a sexual appreciation or an intimate appreciation. I really appreciate how you know your, how the shape of your body it could even be. Or I really appreciate how you give me a hug every night before I go to bed. Or I really appreciate how you smell when I wake up next to you and start to just. Just because I imagine that with going through menopause, like your self image and your self esteem and all of these things start to change for women. And so I know that just feeling like you are a sexual being and being able to be allowed to be seen as sexual and being talked about like through sexuality and not necessarily just wanting to have sex would be such an important piece of this equation as well.

Yes. You know, that's something that I have always done. Like she's a pretty girl and I, and you know, we're, we're not bible thumper people, but we, we are Christian. You know.

I tell her all the time, you know, she's pretty, she's got a very nice behind.

You know, she's. She's got all the stuff in all the right places.

Right.

I let her know and I want her to feel like she's still the hottest babe for me.

Right.

Believe that.

Yeah. Sounds like you're doing that. So just might have to be like, you know, there's other ways now to kind of look at sex. It could. And it doesn't have to be just intercourse. It could be that you guys are sensually connecting. So intimacy isn't just about the sex and the intercourse. It could be about touching, sensual massage, taking class together, like dancing class or going to your music or cooking or like doing something that enhances intimacy and not just in the sexual realm because you'll find that that could build it in other ways. And we find yourself going back to the sex anyway, so trying different things in different areas of your relationship, you know, that would make it a massage class. I always love that. I love that. Take us. You can take one online. A sensual massage course. And she's still feeling like so you guys are still connected, but it's not as much pressure.

So this the massage course you can do online?

Yeah, there's a lot of different courses you can find online. You live in Canada. You might live near a cool sex toy store that have it. I would just like google it. We could put some. I don't know if we have anything on the site, but there are ways that you guys could learn to kind of please each other.

So what's your guys website?

Oh, you can find everything at what we. We probably have stuff on the site. I'm sure sexwithemily.com we've got a lot of information up there and ways that you could find to please her. So I think couples taking a course together is a great way to go. Thank you so much, Steve, for calling in and welcome to the show. I look forward to hearing from you and let me know how it goes. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily.

All right, you guys call us 888-94-stars. That's 888-947-8277.

All right, one more call before break. Let's go to Jim. He's 31 in Indiana, and he says his girlfriend has a platonic sugar daddy.

Okay. Hey, Jim.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah. How's it going?

I'm good. All right. Platonic sugar dance. Tell me more.

Yeah. Okay, so he's an older guy. She told me this before we got real serious. He's like, look, I want to be up front and I want to tell you that I started seeing this guy. So we met at a strip club. She was a waitress, but she didn't do that anymore. But she said she met this guy, old Aries. I don't know if it's performance issue. He can't or. I mean, she said she went into. She didn't think she was ever gonna have to, you know, essentially sell her services like that. But it's just, you know, like. So last weekend she spent Friday and Saturday with him and, you know, like, I had to just see her Sunday kind of thing. So it's kind of like I'm sharing her.

Right. Okay, so that doesn't feel really good to you? I can. Are you guys in a committed relationship?

It's. We've been seeing each other for a couple months. I mean, like, really great connection. Everything else sex is awesome. Like, great personality. We get along, we click.

Okay.

You know, everything else.

Okay, so what is the question then?

How do you. What do. I mean, I. I haven't told her. I mean, I can't. I don't feel like I can give her an ultimatum because this guy, you know, gives her a lot of money for.

Time and, you know, she. I mean, I don't know. What do I. I mean, I understand.

It doesn't feel. Yeah.

I think that, you know, I think it's okay to let her know that you're having feelings around this and that you're not going to give her an ultimatum. But it's hard not to See you. You know, for you not to see her on the weekends, because you really love spending time with her, you love your sex life, you know, and. And just kind of see what she says to that. I mean, maybe she's ready as well to kind of, like, turn towards a relationship. How long did you say you've been with her?

Right around two months.

Oh, two months. Okay. So it's still fairly new, but early. Yeah, it's still early. So I understand it's kind of tricky right now, a few months in to kind of say, stop doing this. This guy's paying your rent and buying you those nice shoes and all those things. It's hard because you don't. So I think it's okay to let her know how it makes you feel, you understand why she's doing it. But it's, you know, it's two months in. So I think this has been her lifestyle for a while. But you also get to choose now if this is something that you're comfortable with. So I think letting her know that I'm developing feelings for you. I really like spending time with you, and this is uncomfortable for me because I actually just want to spend more time with you. So you could create a schedule, too, so you know when you're gonna see her so you don't feel like she's abandoning you or leaving you for someone else. You could just kind of say, like, then, you know, like, I'm seeing her Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, but I won't see her on Friday, you know, so you have more. You have more structure around it.

Yeah, we. That's what we do. I mean, I see our Sundays, and then, you know. Well, usually it's one or two nights during the week as well. But, you know, I work a normal Monday through Friday shift, so it's kind of hard. You know, Sunday, you go out and have a good time, and you can't. You know, you don't get to, like, sleep in or right up and wake up. You got to go to work right away.

Right.

And another thing that may be kind of bothering me probably is the fact that it. And I do. We do go out and have a good time when we're together. And I. I. We go to nice places and have drinks and eat dinner, and it's like. But, you know, I can't. I'm not just gonna give somebody a thousand dollars. I don't. I'm not gonna be.

Well, I don't think she's. Yeah, I mean, that's the other thing is she's probably not asking you for that. I don't, I mean, I don't think so. And I don't think that you have to expect that. Like, I don't think that, that that's just an assumption that she's gonna skip from, from, hey, you know, I'm gonna go from one sugar daddy to the next. So that's an assumption on your part that you're not comfortable with. But I don't think that that's really where she's going here. It sounds like she really does like you and she's being honest with you. I love that she's being honest with you. That relationship, it's still early on. So I think that the, the more open communication you have with her about your feelings and to stay away from the blaming, shaming, ultimatums, you guys are going to be good. So just keep talking, keep up the intimacy and see where it goes. Thank you so much, Jim, for calling and thank you so much, Jamie Waxman, for being here with me.

Thanks, Emily.

This was really fun. Yeah, let's do it again. We are going to do it again. You guys can find Jamie Wax Waxman you can find at the center for Healthy Sex and at Waxman Sex Therapy dot com. We all need sex therapists. I'm so glad you're here on this earth, Jamie. So thanks everyone for listening. Let me know how you enjoy the serious show. And just so you know, our podcasts aren't going anywhere. We'll still be releasing podcasts every week, thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com Foreign.

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