The Sex Lives of College Students

I want to normalize people talking about sex. When you're with someone, whether it's one time or five times, and you're like, how was that? What? You may wear breakfast after if you do. Breakfast.

Yeah, right. You're like, I got eggs here. Let's go. Let's go get brunch. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what do you wish you knew about pleasure when you were younger? Maybe it's how to please yourself. I wish I knew that. Or the signs of sexual incompatibility. Or maybe you just need permission to break up. I answer your questions all about sex in college. From making casual hookups more stimulating to embracing queerness in the heteronormative spaces to simply finding your people, I give the advice we all wish we could tell our younger selves. I also asked for your hottest college sex stories and you absolutely understood the assignment. All this and more on today's Best of Show Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to tell you what I wish my younger self knew about sex. But even if you graduated from college years ago, this advice can help any anyone navigating sexual unknowns to be more confident with their pleasure. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, A Submissive Guide to Being Dominant is up@sex with emily.com. check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's show is presented by Promescent. I'll tell you more of why I'm such a fan of their quality products at the end of this show, so stick around. All right, everyone enjoyed this episode. Foreign.

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Before I get into your questions and calls, here's a few things I wish I knew in college. Oh, so many things. I mean, I think that hookup culture is definitely thriving, Although some people think hookup culture hasn't really changed and it's always been there. But I just want to define what I think hookup culture is. It's not so much everyone's having sex with everyone else, but more of a normalization of people having one night stands or hooking up with people without being in defined relationships. So I just want to encourage all of you to pay attention to what you want and, and you don't have to fit into what everyone's doing. Don't have sex to check it off the list. People are gonna get drunk and have sex and that's real. But what I wish I knew in college was more about orgasms and pleasure and my body. And I'd never masturbated before. You know, I know a lot of you and I thought this too guys were gonna like me more if I hooked up with them. You'll find your people. I promise you will. You know, college really is the perfect time to explore your sexuality and, and experience a lot of different things and figure out what you like. Maybe it's the first time you've been living away from home without your family, so you really are able to experiment sexually. But here are some quick, easy rules to follow that will help you and your partners have more pleasure and just kind of minimize all those awkward situations. Get to know the person first. Not just me, but studies have shown that the more connected sex we have, it's definitely the more pleasurable and masturbate play with yourself, Figure out what you like. Don't be shy to try a toy and to start getting your sex on. It's so nice to know and be enthusiastic about the situations you're getting into sexually. Consent can be sexy. It really can. I mean, think about all the pressure that comes from not knowing what your partner wants. So again, the more know yourself, the more you can practice enthusiastic consent. You should be sane, which means sober and ongoing. Every time you get to consent to what you want. Just because you wanted something last time doesn't mean this time. Also, think about what you're looking for and be okay communicating that. If you're not interested in a committed relationship or you're just looking to date around, have fun, be honest, be kind, and set expectations with whoever you're with. My first caller is Riley, 21 in Chicago, who loves everything about her boyfriend, except he's pretty vanilla in bed. Hi, Riley. Hi, how are you? Thanks for calling.

Thanks, I'm great.

How are you? I'm good. All right, how can I help you?

I am in a close to two year relationship with my boyfriend and we're both 21 and it's like our first serious relationship. We started dating prior to the pandemic. He's a great boyfriend, like overall good relationship. However, he is so vanilla with sex. And I have tried everything. And when I tell you I have tried everything, I mean, we've probably had a conversation 30 plus times. I am on him all the time. And the thing is, he has no fantasies, he has no desires. Like, he is just satisfied with plain sex. And I have tried to be okay. And I have tried slowly, everything. So for example, like, it took a year for him to choke me. To, to use even like a tie in bed. Okay, this is this crazy. And the thing is, he's willing to do it because, like, I've talked to him how you've like, said I should all this stuff, but it doesn't turn me on if I have to ask him to do it. And the thing is, he'll do it once and then not again. Yeah, then I have to ask again. And the thing is, like, I'm not going to marry this guy. He's a good boyfriend, but it comes down to like, I don't know if I should stay with him. And when I'm like this young and I'm not gonna marry him or not because he's not gonna change. And I. I've never been with a man with such a. Not that's a bad thing. But like, average sex desire. Like, I've tried everything. Like, I've sent him photos and lingerie and the response I get is cute.

Okay, honestly, Riley, you're so funny. I, I, here's the thing. You guys are both 21. Maybe he's not asexual. I mean, that's just, that just happens. I know that we are told that men want sex all the time and you send them a naked photo or they're going to flip out and oh my God, they're going to get in their car and drive right over. But, like, it's just, you're finding out right now, which is amazing, that you are not sexually compatible, that you have a growth mindset around sex and he does not. And to me, he might be your best friend and you love him and it's been a great relationship, but no, I think that this is, and you know, you're not going to marry him. You're not telling me. Well, I really want to have kids in the next year. So I think you kind of have your answer. You want somebody who's like, adventurous and open and wants to try things and wants to have conversations. It sounds like you listen to the podcast, so I don't. You've been having the conversations and you've been really trying. But I believe that most people have that mindset around sex. Like the people who feel like I don't want to try anything new or they're a little bit shut down about her, a little bit more vanilla. There's a lot beneath the surface. Could be the way he was raised in, in a religious home. He could have been shamed for something sexually growing up, we just don't know. So he'd have to go in and do his work and he'd have to want to change and then he have to go into therapy and unpack it, which I believe is our entire. Everyone's should go on that path. If you don't go on it now, you're going to go on it later. So what I love is you're 21 and you're figuring this out. So. No, I say you have your answer. And I don't think it's just about the sex. There's probably other ways. Right. And the other things in the relationship.

Too, that just, Yeah, I think I'm just so comfortable with him. And I, I tried to break up with him, but he, it is hard because he is good, my family loves him. And I think I'm afraid because I'm like, is it wrong for me to walk away to want this. Like, my girlfriends who are single have so much fun and like, these experiences. Like, she's like this guy whipped out like, these bed restraints and like this chest full of toys. And I'm like, holy crap. Like, I would kill for that. Like, are you kidding me? Or explain my dream right now. And like, the best that I could.

Get is like, well, the grass, though, is greener. Let me just tell you that. It's like you think when you're single, there's going to be all this great sex. And I think that it's great. Yeah. If someone whips out a thing of toys and stuff, that's fun. But making sure that you're getting your pleasure too, and you're getting your needs met. Because sometimes the sex just ran. A lot of random sex could just be random sex and you're not really connecting people. You're really drunk and you don't really remember what the is going on. You know, like, you don't. But I don't think it's an either or or that's going to be so much better. You're going to have. You're going to be calling back in a year maybe with some other questions, which is totally cool, or maybe a few months from now. But it just sounds like you might have outgrown this. You've learned the lessons you need to learn. You're having conversations with them about sex in a healthy way. You're not just saying, no. I'm like, why don't we try this? Or why don't you do that? You're, like, listening to what he's into and he's like, I'm not. I don't think about it. I don't masturbate. So, yeah, I mean, the next step, if you said you wanted to stay with them, I'd say, well, then go into therapy together. Start talking about these things. But I don't think this is your problem to be fixed. It sounds like you're ready to go out and fly, have some freedom.

Yeah, I think I need to hear it from you, honestly, because that's what I've heard. A lot of people just hard, obviously, but.

Well, I'm glad I can. I can sign on that there. Co sign that. That's what I think it sounds like, you know, and he's going to be brokenhearted and you're going to miss him and maybe you'll go back and sleep with him again. You know, you do things. But I think it sounds like you. You should take some time of just exploring who you are, sexually and otherwise. I'm sure you've grown in two years that you've been with him too.

Thank you so much. I love your podcast.

Thanks, Riley. Have a good day. Appreciate you. Bye. When you get to a point where your partner just says no, like, I'm not into sex or I'm not into talking about sex or I'm not talking about our relationship, if you're someone who's trying to have a conversation with somebody that you want to build something with and they just shut you down and they're not willing to open and up and discuss, to share and to grow, I mean, how much work do you want to do on it? Now I get. Once you're married and have kids and you're parenting together, there's a lot more at stake. But in your 20s or 30s or whenever you find 40s, if you're just on a path right now to find a partner and they are already saying, I don't want to talk about it, I'm not going to invest in sex. I'm not going to invest in conversations. Well, you have your answers right there. The people who just don't have a growth mindset around sex and don't want to talk about sex, like, there should be a dating app for those people. But all of you who listen to the show and realize that there's a whole world out there and the only thing that's keeping you from having incredible sex and connection is communication. You know, you. You know that, like, that's totally possible for you. So I don't often say just like, yeah, you should dump this person or break up with them, but, you know, the case is pretty clear. I think that that's some pretty great binaries. If your person isn't into talking and shuts it down, you have no other choice but to go find someone who will. This is from Clover 21 in North Carolina, and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily. I have an easy time getting turned on and getting off when I'm home alone. The whole time, I'm thinking about the guy I'm seeing and how hot he is. However, when we're in person having sex, I'm so in my head thinking about it if I look okay or if he feels good that it makes it really difficult to orgasm. How do I really focus on being in the moment and not get caught up in how I look, what I sound like, and how he is doing every single second? Second. Thank you. Okay, Clover, I love, love, love that you're asking this question. At 21, because this is a practice, one that so many of us need to do. I didn't even know at 21 that it was okay to focus on my pleasure. I literally only thought, what does my partner want? What looks good to them and what feels good to them. And it really is a challenge to be truly and deeply present with one person. If you really, you know, you like this guy and you want to kind of practice being present, you could tell him how much you think about him. When you're home touching yourself, you could dirty talk it to him. You could text him and say, I've been thinking about you. And you can get really specific on what you're thinking about. Then you'll be more engaged and present in the moment, especially if you do it in real time. You could also practice some mutual masturbation. So you're both getting off together and you know he can see what feels good to you and you can see what feels good to him. It's just one of my favorite show and tells is mutual masturbation. And finally, my great trick for you is when you're getting distracted and you find yourself pulled away from the moment because you're having these thoughts is to remember my five senses rules. And what you gotta do is focus on your five senses in the moment. What are you hearing in the moment? Maybe you're hearing some a playlist. You're listening to your partner's breath. What are you smelling? What are you tasting? What are you touching? How did your hands feel on their skin? What are you seeing? And when we anchor our ourselves in those five senses, we can't help but be in the moment because our mind can't wander when we're truly present and focused on we feel. And focusing on the senses is pleasurable. You might have to do it a few times or ten times while you're having sex, but eventually it'll become a practice and you'll be able to ground yourself in the present moment. All right, Clover, thanks for your email and let me know how it goes. This is from Hunter, 19, in Detroit, Michigan, and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a virgin in college. It feels like everyone around me is having sex. I'm confident with myself and I don't feel the need to lose it to appease other people. But with that said, I've received a lot of shit from my decision. What's your opinion on virginity? Why is there such a stigma? Also, I want to hook up with people, just not have sex. I often lose guys Once they know I'm not willing to put out, how can I still have fun while also staying true to myself? I love your show and thank you. So here's the thing, Hunter. First off, I don't like the word virginity. I'd like to call it a sexual debut because virginity just has all these connotations that most of them aren't true, that we lose our virginity to someone else. It's not about empowerment and it's not about a debut because that's when you get to decide that you're ready to express your sexual self. And people are always going to try to get you to do what they're doing so they feel better about themselves. Promise this is going to continue until adulthood. It's like when you're older and your married friends start asking, so when are you going to get married? There's going to be pressure, but the people who are your people are just going to accept that you are doing you. And the guys that you lose are your win and their loss. Because I'm telling you that the pursuit of sex over connection gets really old really fast. And when there's so much emphasis right now in college on hooking up and blacking out, there is very little room for having great pleasurable sex. I'm so glad that you love the podcast, which means that you know that the most pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience come from real connection and real trust. So it's not that your peers are wrong, they're just going along with the crowd. Or maybe they just, you know, haven't really questioned why it's important for them to have sex right now. But I believe that you're making the most excellent decision about being you and staying true to what feels right. I promise that you will find people that don't just want to have sex that will be interested in a hookup that doesn't lead to penetration. It's not just about that penetration. And you, Hunter, get to decide when it's going to happen and who's invited. Let's talk to Benny, 19, in Los Angeles, who's wondering how to make one night stands more pleasurable. Hi, Benny.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good, how are you? What's going on?

Not much, I'm just most of like, my like sexual activity in high school is always in like, relationships and stuff like that where there was a lot of time to like, figure out what each person liked and what people didn't like. And now that I'm in college, there's most of the times I Hook up with you, it's like once or twice maybe. And so I was thinking like about how to make like those experiences more enjoyable.

Yeah, it's a great question. So you're saying if it's just a quick hookup or a one night stand, how do I make that great sex for both of you? That's a really good question. Well, first let me say this, that studies have shown the best sex we're going to have the most pleasurable sex, the most connected sex, is not sex that's random. And that it's actually, it's the sex with. It's when it's with someone we trust, someone we can totally let go and be ourselves. And I can show you all my crazy sides and we know each other, so. But if you're with someone, the one night stand or it's just, you know, it's just going to be casual, I would limit. If you want it to be quality, I would limit the alcohol. Because what I'm seeing in college campuses is that you get blackout drunk or you get drunk or you have sex and it's just a random hookup and it might be fun. Like it's like, oh my God, it was a surprise. We hooked up in the bar, we had sex in the bar bathroom or we had sex outside, you know, whatever. Like we went sex in my car, whatever. The crazy stuff you do in college. And that's all great stories and they're really fun, but for sex, that's like amazing. And if you're with women, like it's a little bit different. Like for women, I would say that the way you're always going to make it an improvement for I don't want to speak for every woman, but the majority of them is by slowing down, going three times slower than you think. And that's with kissing. That's with undressing her, kiss her slowly, go down on her first. Not waiting for her to give you a blowjob first. Now I get that some college women aren't comfortable with guys going down on them. That's kind of what I hear. Cause they haven't had a lot of experience. But even if it's just not with your mouth but with your hands and you get to know her vulva, like, get to know her vagina, her vulva, like turning her on, telling her she's hot and you're attracted to her, if you really are. And I think that that's the whole foreplay thing we talk about. Lots of us even just crave that early stage when it's anticipation. Is it going to happen? So my advice would be communicating, slowing down, calling after, not just ghosting.

I feel for a lot of experiences. It's like, it's not much more rare, but it's definitely more rare in like a college experience in general for like, girls to actually, like, finish from like a one night stand. And so it was more of like, they don't. One question in my mind, if there's something like. And I know there's no like, oh, do this and every girl's gonna finish forever, your whole life, you're done. So I guess it's more just like curiosity of like. Cause there's times, there's a lot of times where I feel like if I'm having sex with a girl, I'm like, oh, it seems like she's about to finish. But I'm not really sure what I should do to like, right. Like, if I'm not in a relationship with a girl where it's like, I'm like, oh, I don't really know what I should do right now to really make sure she finishes or something like that.

Yeah.

So I wasn't sure if there's any.

Like, there's no great. Every woman's different. But I would say the longer you can focus on her pleasure, whether it's with your fingers or your hands or your mouth, and asking her what she's into, what she likes, I think that's how you know, because every woman's different challenges. Most young women don't know what they like. They don't know what they want, and they may never have had an orgasm at your age.

I know there's times where, like, I'll go to a party and then like, I end up having sex with a girl and then I would text them, we'd hang out, and then it'd be like, okay, I guess this isn't going to happen again. So it was just something that they.

Just because they were drinking or whatever. What do you want right now, Betty?

It's very clear to me that, like, when I'm happiest and when the sex is the best and like the connection is the best is when I'm with the same person for.

Yeah, no. And I think that that's exactly how we opened this is it. That's. That's the case for the majority of people is that if you want to have, like, depth and you want to have a really connected sex that's hot and you know each other's vibes and bodies, it's going to take a little bit while you don't just, like, walk in and know someone. So there's no, like, magic moves I can tell you. I can say, though, if you're doing something that looks like it feels good in the moment, if it's working and she's like, that feels good. Or don't stop, keep doing that.

So it's not like. It's like one of those things where it's like, if it looks like it's feeling good, whatever you're doing, like, don't go hard or don't go fat.

Like, don't go hard. Yes. So she says, don't stop. It's like, don't move, don't change. Don't do anything. Yeah, okay. But I have to say that I love that you're so thoughtful and that you're asking these questions, because I think that many. Again, though, you're in a difficult place. Cause I think a lot of women haven't done that work yet to figure themselves out. But I think if you, like, pay attention and you're present and you maybe limit your drinking just to a little bit so you can remember shit. But I mean, the main thing that I can tell you, what I tell the people of all ages, like, it's communication. It's paying attention. It's just being. I think, like, being a good lover is actually paying attention and that you're both really investing to those pleasure. Communication is huge. What I'm trying to say. And you can help me now because you're. You're in college and this is where I wanted to start. I want to normalize people talking about sex when you're with someone, whether it's one time or five times, and you're like, how was that? What? You maybe have breakfast after if you do. Breakfast?

Yeah, right. You're like, I got eggs here, let's go get brunch. But I think it's just like, so what? How was it? Like, it was really hot. So I want to ask you a question. Seemed like you were really turned on. It seemed like you were about to have an orgasm. Is that true? Have you orgasm? Have you masturbated? And I know this sounds like they might not be ready for that. I'll bet you might be the first guy that asked them. But I asked how women. I tell all my listeners to do this because, like, why can't we talk about it, right?

There's been times where I know the sex was, like, better in the moment. So it's like, I'm more comfortable do that. But I feel like it's almost more important when I feel like, oh, that wasn't great. But, like, let's see how we can improve that. Like, I can ask. It's like a better time to act.

Exactly that. But it's all great. It's all great to ask. Like, if it wasn't, you could say, okay, I want to be honest. I know it's our first time. I've learned that it's not great. The first time we were drunk or whatever, you seemed uncomfortable, but. But yeah. Was that. In that moment, I felt like maybe you were pulling away. Is that right? And then she would just feel like, oh, my God, you paid attention and you cared, and that's actually how you're gonna learn.

I guess there's definitely a lot to be learned too. If it's like, there's times I've had sex where the first time, like, girls, they were just like, oh, that was so good. Like, usually I have sex, it's really bad, but I don't really ask questions like, why, Like. Or I probably should be like, why was. Why? Are you saying that was great?

Yeah, so tell me what was good about it? I just want to know. Like, I want to know what made it great. And she. Yeah, how fun. And then you're good. That's how you become a better lover. Because then you're going to take that data to every other person you sleep with and you're just going to get your. First of all, you're going to get comfortable talking about sex with your lovers. And you're also going to learn a thing or two. You're not. Again, everyone's different. Everyone wants something different. But, you know, just. You might get useful tips because having sex with a new partner is. You kind of pull from all your tools. Like, after you have a lot of sex with people over time or relationships, you. No, you think your toolbox, you're like, oh, oh, that one time that one woman liked the thing I did with my tongue. Or she liked when I kissed her, spanked her. You know, it's like. But you don't know. So you're just going to be gathering data. And so now just more research and more being present and being a good guy. You seem like you are okay.

All right.

Thanks, Benny. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling in. Bye. Bye. I love Benny's call. Listen, it is never too soon to start learning about sex and communication. I wish I had a boyfriend in College at 19 who was like, how was that for you? Did you like It. What did you. What were you into? I might have been encouraged to masturbate a lot quicker and to really think about my sexuality and to think about what I wanted. So I think that this is for everybody, all genders. You should feel comfortable if you're going to have sex with someone and you're naked in a room together, which is a pretty intimate thing to do. Should also feel comfortable talking about the sex. And, you know, I feel you should do it outside the bedroom when you're at brunch or hanging out again. But I think that it's interesting information to get together to learn about yourself. It's like performance reviews. But you could think of it as in a positive way. Right? Remember these reviews, you're like, well, you sucked at this or you were bad at that. You try to keep it positive and you try to just keep it light and hear some constructive criticism. But, I mean, it's such a great opportunity because you're going to learn how to ask for what you want. And you're also going to have the practice of healthy communication. And we're always learning. We're never done learning. Whether you're 19 or 39, this is a practice I want everyone to engage in. Starting today. After the break, I'll be sharing tips with callers I wish I had when I was their age. So don't go anywhere.

Foreign.

This is from Zoe, and she's 19. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm wondering if I could get some advice. Me and my boyfriend are 19 and we've been together three years. We have a healthy relationship with open communication and great sex. However, last night he said he wants to experience other sexual partners, but he doesn't want to lose me. He's never had sex with anyone else and neither have I. It was a hard conversation to have, but I opened up the possibility of a threesome or group sex. I don't want him having sex with other people if I'm not there because I don't want an open relationship or for us to have separate lives outside of each other. But I don't want to lose him and I don't want to break up with him. I'm also not comfortable with him having vaginal sex with another woman. I'm not sure what to do because our relationship is thriving. He just doesn't want to miss out on casual sex that many other people in our age group have. What do you think would be best for us to do? We don't want to lose each other. I'm not sure how to Navigate. Let me know. Okay. I totally understand where you're coming from. You're in love. It's great sex. Why rock the boat? And I do think at your age, it will be harder to have an open relationship without having the wisdom that comes with being with multiple people. This is your first lover and your first serious relationship. But as hard as it might be to hear right now, it might be best to break up or to separate and experience other people. Because, again, navigating a threesome and you're already having these feelings around him. Being with other people is going to be difficult at this time in your life, especially because it's your first boyfriend. I just think that trying to do it to please him and then having these workarounds that you don't want vaginal sex, but you, you know, you understand that he might want just to play with someone. I think it's going to be really hard, and it might delay the potential inevitable, which is that you're both gonna wanna experiment with other people at some point. And I believe that you're gonna want that. And I think it's actually important too, because what if you only had pizza for dinner, right, Your whole life, like, age, like 10 to 20, and someone's like, do you wanna try chicken? And you only eat pizza. You're like, well, pizza's great. I can have pizza, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Cause it's all, you know. And then you're like, chicken, what? And then you try. You're like, oh, maybe I could mix in some chicken. And then you start tast. And that's kind of what happens with our sex life. We get really connected. You have an emotional connection to him and intimacy, and you love him, and you're best friends and you know each other. Part of being in our 20s is learning who we are as sexual beings, what turns us on, what feels good, what do we want sexually? What do we want in a relationship? And you'll find that dating other people, that maybe there's things that you didn't necessarily love about this relationship or things that you'd prefer in another, but you didn't have the experience to know and to ask for it. It's like when we stay with one person for a long time before we've dated other people. We don't know what's on the menu. We don't know the other flavors, the other tastes, the other meals. And that is what sex is. It's about going and trying and exploring. So even though separating from him could really, really hurt, it will set you up to be free on your own journey. Thank you, Zoe. This is from Mary, 21 in New Hampshire. Hey, Dr. Emily, new listener here. So I don't know if you've answered something like this. I love your podcast, by the way. To give you some background, I dated someone from 16 to 18 years old, and he ended up cheating on me and said it was because he felt we weren't having enough sex. It was kind of a lot to hear at 17 years old, and now it's just embedded in my brain. I spent my college years not dating, but having sex with different people a couple times and leaving it at that. That's what I wanted to do. But now I'm ready to start actually dating people when I'm struggling, because I'm feeling like if I meet someone when I'm out and don't ask them to come back with me, it's just gonna end with that. I'm ruining my chances of making genuine connections with people because we end up sleeping together. Then it just becomes a hookup, and then I don't want to end up being labeled as clingy because I asked to see them again. I feel like my generation does everything backwards. We have sex with people for a while, then start dating, and I don't really want to do that. And I'm feeling weird about it. Maybe I'm not meeting the right men, or maybe it's me and I'm giving off this vibe. I just want to sleep with them. I don't know. I'm hoping you can give me some words of wisdom. Thanks, Dr. Emily. All right, Mary. Well, you nailed it. Listen, the earliest messages we hear about sex and yours was at 17, and usually it's something negative. We hear about our sexual performance or who we are in a relationship and you heard were not having enough sex. So when you were 17, Mary, it did get embedded in your brain that, oh, well, that just means I'm gonna go out and have a lot of sex, which you did, but now you are questioning it, which makes sense. And so I just wanna say it's great that you understand your patterns and know you wanna change. You know, and to change your patterns, you have to change your beliefs. So your belief system right now is that you're someone who didn't have enough sex, and also that you're only valuable to men because you have sex with them. Those are beliefs that you have, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're true or they still serve you. So now you're looking at guys you meet as through this lens of, well, if I don't invite them back with me, they're not going to like me. And if I do invite them back, they're going to think I'm clingy. And none of those are necessarily true. We can't say that every man's going to think that. Sure, there might be guys that think you're clingy or guys that won't call you, or guys that won't be into you if you don't sleep with them. Those are not your people. I would say the majority of guys would like to wait and get to know someone and have a connection. You're not going to meet them, though, if you're leading with, I'm sexual and this is what I can give to you. So you could also practice going out for a drink with somebody or just meeting with someone and saying, oh, I got to go. Because then when you got to go or you have a plan scheduled, you can't really hang out that much longer. Even if you tell them, like, let's say you go on a date and you say to them, oh, I got to leave. I have a dinner at 10, or a meeting, going to my friend's party at 9, you know, then you have an out. Then you can see whether you like them or not. It leaves them wanting more. You already had a plan. And then you get to decide, do I actually want to be with this person? To address your question about, you know, giving off that vibe that you just want to sleep with them, you might be giving off that vibe because it's all, you know. So you believe men are attracted to you because they can sleep with you, which means you might be leading with sexual talk or flirtations. So just know that you can still flirt by acting interested, making eye contact, leaning more towards them than away from them, and it will still show them that you're interested in them without, you know, feeling like you have to make out or have sex. You know, there's some great power in anticipation and delaying sex. I think it's just way underrated. But I do believe your generation does feel that we're gonna have the sex and figure it out later. And I'm here to tell you another way that, yeah, the power of waiting, like I said, waiting till you have sex, just knowing there's a little interest and letting that build towards the next time is really, really hot. Keep them wanting more. And then remember, you're deciding if you want more. And what this sounds like is maybe you've been oriented towards thinking, well, I want them to want me, and it doesn't really matter what you want. So I'm also going to encourage some healthy masturbation. Mary, understanding your body, maybe you already do, but if your pattern has been just having a lot of sex and leaving, I just want to make sure that you're rounding that out with truly understanding your body, what feels good to you, and how you get the most pleasure. So when you do end up meeting a guy that you want to sleep with, you already know what you want, what you need, and you're listening to the podcast so you'll know how to communicate it. All right, thanks for your question, Mary. I appreciate it. Let's talk to R in New York who's curious about how to navigate the college hookup culture as someone on the asexual spectrum. For those of you who don't know, asexuality refers to having a low or no interest in engaging in sexual activity. Hi, thanks for calling. What's going on?

Yeah, so I was interested in talking about how people that identify on the sexual spectrum, as well as people who identify a part of the trans asterisk community, can go about finding their place within things like college hookup culture or within such as, like a heteronormative sex obsessed environment that I have found myself in while being in college.

Well, you're really. I mean, it's such a good question because you're really at the forefront of change right now. I mean, this just. In the last few years, everything about sexuality has changed. Now, I think it's because of your generation. So being part of the movement, part of the change is not always that comfortable. But tell me what's been going on. Like, give me a little bit more information, I can see if I can help you. What has it been like there?

I would say it's most definitely hard not only discover if someone is queer. Like, I'm usually in relatively more conservative leaning environments. So if I were to approach someone, I risk being harassed or being attacked if I'm wrong.

Do you think there's any groups on campus, like any queer groups, clubs, things like that, that you will find peers?

I was gonna say there's two groups that have to do with queer life on campus and then I'm trying to start a third.

Good.

I surprisingly haven't really found a lot of people who identify in the LGBTQ community.

Right.

I guess my main issue is like, as someone who identifies in the asexual spectrum, I know that it's so othered and so invalidated by like Media and usually the type of curriculum that individuals are taught, whether it be through sexual education or just through general classes in high school.

Yeah.

If I am to approach someone, regardless, they don't know what to make of me, which then makes it very difficult to even try to approach someone.

I would say, really, and this is what I would say to anybody, no matter who they're trying to date, is that it's about finding people that you connect with as friends. And then when you feel safe in that group, that's how you meet other people that you might be interested in and saying yes to events. And I love that you're going to start your own club or just go to the other ones and see how it feels. Once you're in it, I think you're going to know more what to do because I understand the fear and I understand hate crimes and all that scares me too. And it's a small school, but I think that you're also getting comfortable in a new environment. Right now. I just think it's more about finding your tribe. Maybe, maybe this won't be the campus where you walk up to people. Especially if it's very heteronormative. Gender studies classes. Like I just always think I found my people by doing things that I like doing. I found my like minded people by engaging in activities and events and going places where I like doing things and I felt comfortable. That's how I found the people that I liked.

Cool. I guess like the one major thing is we're not really taught about sex education. So not only am I going into a situation blind when it comes to like queer life, I'm also going into a situation blind when it comes to normal, just like sex education. So I guess like one of the main things that I've struggled and struggling with is I don't know the signs of like, I don't know how to flirt. I don't know, like the basic signs of like the dating scene in general. Like I don't really have personal experiences with intimacy other unless they are platonic.

Yeah, I mean sex education is abysmal. We don't teach it in America. Definitely in public schools we don't. And you know, only 17 states require the sex education to be medically accurate and were woefully uneducated. And especially when it comes to queer sexuality, we're not there yet. And I just could say that like a lot about flirting and attraction and chemistry comes from like learning yourself and finding people that you do connect with. It's a practice. But it's also has to do with doing our own inner work. And I just think for you, have you been in therapy in your life? Have you done any work? About all the stuff from childhood that comes up, I just think that the sooner you can get into therapy, because we all need it. I know I started at 19 in college, and I'm so grateful that that gave me, like, I was able to pair that knowledge of what has been holding you back or what happened in childhood. Everyone's parents did something not in a bad way, that's we're here to work on those issues. And that coupled with, like, a knowing of yourself and a confidence in who you are and what you stand for, what you believe in sexually, otherwise would help you, I think, start to express this to others, you know, And I think you can also just look at your close friendships right now. This is what you do know. You do know you've close friendships, even if it hasn't been sexual or otherwise. And do you know what qualities are important to you and those people? Do you know, when you meet a friend and you like them, like, you know, it's kind of the same. I mean, honestly, when you're dating, that's the same thing. Like, it's sort of like you want to be with good, kind people that share some of your values. So I want you to take the pressure off yourself a little bit. I get it. Because it's like you're like, I want to figure it all out. But I think there's some, like, letting go and experiencing it in the moment. And I think that the less we're focused on, like, how do I meet people and what do I do? When you're really yourself and you show up as yourself, wherever you go, whoever you meet, you'll find that you'll attract people to you that are more aligned and that you want to be with.

Okay, well, thank you.

Of course. Yeah. Thank you for calling in. And I wish I could tell you that there was one place to go, but that's my purpose. I'm trying to provide sex education to everyone. And maybe in your studies, when you start figuring stuff out for yourself, you can start sharing your knowledge to the world, because we need it. All right, thanks for calling in. Best of luck. Bye. I really appreciated that call from Are. It's really tough to be a college student now. Let me just say this. The hookup culture, you know, that this expectation that you should go out and be sleeping with people and get blackout drunk. And I wish if I could just impart something to everybody who's in college right now. And that would be to find your people, find your community, find your friends, and know that you shouldn't show up as an expert in anything yet in college, but about sex or relationships or dating or love. And it's such a great place and opportunity, such a Learn who you are within those contexts and the more you can learn to be present, start a mindfulness practice, be in therapy, and start to learn your Learn who you are as an adult. Maybe the first time away from home, the more likely you'll be able to attract the right situations, people, places and events to your world. Okay guys, there's a lot to learn, but really it's about paying attention to your body, slowing down, and simply experiencing college sex for yourself. And so I actually asked my Instagram followers to share some fun experiences they had during college to give you some inspo we asked what's your hottest college hookup story? And here's some that we got I texted a guy across the lecture hall to meet me in the bathroom for a quickie during class, someone else said, Having sex with a professor. Another person said I had a threesome on the graduation stage with my girlfriend and her best friend the night before commencement. Having sex standing up in a handicapped porta potty at a concert. After a few drinks, me and the boys had a wild sexual wrestling match. Grappling, sucking, biting. Someone else said, I snuck into my school's basketball arena after hours and had sex in the middle of the court. My college girlfriend let me fuck her roommate while she pegged me that in college, in the middle of a party upstairs in my frat house, we got so sweaty we ran across the hall naked to shower and continue threesomes at a Halloween party. Nobody else there realized, yeah, Halloween parties are pretty nutty. That's a way to get away with a threesome. Went to a sex club for the first time and participated. Most liberating feeling ever. Lost my virginity on a one night stand during spring break. I worked in a bar and ended up sleeping with a girl in the keg room during my shift and my boss walked in. I had a threesome with my girlfriend and a hot TA in the TA's office. Everyone have a hot TA. I had a hot TA, got a blowjob at the library and the girl said she'd swallow all the evidence. All right everyone go out there, be safe, use protection, masturbate, understand your bodies and ask for what you want and don't have sex that you don't want to have.

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That'S it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. SexWithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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