Therapy: The Relationship Game-Changer

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Going into this stuff that you might have buried is not painful. It's like liberating. It's like, oh my God. Here are answers to who I am. It's like my operating system. Why I move through the world the way I do, why I choose these certain partners, why are these relationships, why I'm the way I am.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Just like going to the gym improves your body, while going to therapy improves your mind. And bonus, couples counseling can radically improve your relationship and and your sex life. So why do some people absolutely refuse to go? Well, on today's show, I'm giving you the therapy lowdown so you can decide whether you should try it or if it's the right call for you and your partner. I'm talking signs. It's time to look for a therapist. Pros and cons of solo therapy versus couples counseling. Whether sex therapy is right for you and what to expect from a typical therapy session, including budget, friendly Options. Plus, I take your therapy related questions on porn addiction, sexual trauma, and what to do if you tried to improve your sex life with your partner but they cheated anyway. I'll write Intentions with Emily. I want to start by setting Intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. What do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to give you a deeper understanding of therapy and counseling so you can decide whether this is the right step for you and how you might go about seeking it out. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily My Wife Cheated is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Okay, before we dive into everything therapy related, I just want to reiterate that I know the cost of therapy can be a barrier towards care, but I will be sharing resources at all price points so you can all get the help you deserve. Also, if you're looking for a sex therapist, American association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and therapists, it's called asect.org, a-ect.org, it'll be in the show notes. You can check that out as well. I probably recommend therapy to you all at least once per episode, if not more. And I always hear myself saying, go to therapy. And I started to think, well, maybe you have some ideas around therapy or some judgments around it, or maybe you think it's just not for you and it's confusing to you what therapy even does or maybe even want to try therapy, but you're not sure how to get into it. Well, today's episode I'm covering all of those things, you know, because therapy can be so helpful. It's life changing. Helpful. It really is. I've been going to therapy for years as I've talked to you about and I actually asked my listeners, we asked on Instagram and I just found this fascinating. You guys are brilliant. You really were able to encapsulate how therapy has helped you. But I saw some common themes that I thought might be inspiring for you because they sure were for me. So Some of the answers are learning compassion for yourself. That's a big one. Learning to go easy on yourself, how to cope with anxiety. A lot of you said that. I mean, remember, anxiety is not just some random thing right now. Like, everyone's got anxiety now and then I feel like a lot of you have anxiety. In fact, so many people who didn't have anxiety before the pandemic now have anxiety. So think therapy, yes, can absolutely help you cope with your anxiety. A lot of you said boundaries. Setting boundaries with everyone in your life is a must, and you learn that through therapy. This was another key takeaway. That therapy allowed myself, someone said here, to actually feel emotions instead of seeing them as being too much. You know, we are not taught how to feel emotions by most of our caregivers. They're not expressing emotions. Their parents didn't express emotions. And so a lot of us block them. We keep them inside. But learning to say, like, not only is it okay for me to express my emotions, but I'm not too much, it doesn't make me too much for others. In fact, I will find people in my life who will welcome my emotions. But first we have to welcome them and feel our emotions oursel. Somebody else said, medication is a tool. It will not fix everything you have to put in the work. So, yeah, therapy or going to see psychiatrists and therapy. Medication is a huge part of dealing with a lot of things in anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, many things. But it's not just you pop a pill. It definitely works stronger with talk therapy. How to feel my feelings. So not only do we learn that our feelings are okay to have, but how do we actually feel them? You know, I remember when I first went to therapy, I was 25 years old, and I remember a therapist said to me, where do you feel this in your body? I think she was asking me something, and I said, I'm just anxious. And I remember her saying to me, where do you feel that in your body? I want it to run out of the room. And I don't think I went back to this therapist because I was so confused by that question. That's the blocked version of Emily at 25 years old that did not know how to feel feelings. Like, what do you mean I feel in my body? I think my feelings. But remember, if you ever want to understand any of this, there's a great book called the Body Keeps a Score that talks a lot about this, but basically it says, like, our issues are in our tissues. So if you experience any trauma, you didn't learn how to express emotions. They are stuck in our body. So remember, there's lots of different modalities of therapy but that one I wasn't ready for yet. But a lot of my therapy is based around what am I feeling in my body. Cause our body is constantly giving us information about what we're actually feeling and what's going on in the environment. So that's a really big one. Another one said, understanding what my body and emotions are trying to tell me. You guys get it? Someone else said, I learned I lacked certain skills because they weren't taught to me. Join the club. Self love. You learned. Another one said, we all have anxiety and some handle it better than others. That is true. How important self care is, it's part of the self love path. I mean I love it's a lot of you learn self compassion and self love. Mental health is just as important as being physically healthy. We have to do the work every day. So true. You could be going to the gym every day. You could be eating healthy. If you are not managing, focusing on understanding your mental health, none of that other stuff matters. Mental health is so crucial and that's what therapy can help you kind of learn to understand it. Learn to work with your mental health. Learn to celebrate your mental health. I don't need to instantly react. I can take a breath and respond in an adult manner, ask questions and ultimately understand. Oh, that's a big lesson you guys. The power of the pause. I have a posted here on my laptop that says pause. You know, a lot of us just instantly react. Again, that's a learned behavior to respond to something immediately. But to learn to take a deep, deep breath and pause. Oh, such an important skill to learn. I can change my thoughts and break cycles. It is true. You learn to recognize that your thoughts are not the truth. That's just so important, you guys. Your thoughts are a version of the truth. And maybe it's a version of what you think is the truth in the moment. But most of you realize that I am programming my brain right now and I am serving up thoughts that don't serve me and I don't have to believe them. Another one of you learned you can't change other people. You can only change how you let other people affect you. Someone else said that my trauma wasn't my fault. It was liberating. Finally, the things that made me feel crazy actually just made me human. I love that. And a lot of you listen to this show because I think you have let me know that you just feel like everything's okay that you're not alone. So many of us silently suffer alone and think that we are doing something wrong or we're moving through life wrong, or we're the only ones who have trauma, the only ones who have anxiety are the only ones worried about how we're doing in the bedroom. And the truth is, we are all in this together, which is, you know, bringing it back to why I started this show. I started this show so we could all share our experiences and learn together. Thank you to the listeners for kind of letting me know what you got through therapy. So on today's show, I'm going to get into a few things here, Therapy versus couples counseling and giving you some context. So first, here's some interesting research stats that I found on the efficacy of therapy and our attitudes toward it. I thought I'd share from the Gottman Institute. Couples therapy can create a positive change for 70% of couples. And these changes actually last. That's why I'm always telling you guys to go into therapy, because if you are a couple trying to solve a problem that you've been trying to solve for a while, you're having the same kind of arguments over and over again. I'll get into to hear this stat that has been positive for 70% of couples. Well, hopefully that gets you to think. Another one we got from the Knot.com, another stat was 51% of millennials said they attended counseling with their spouse. So remember this, if you're married, millennial couple, and haven't been to marriage counseling, apparently you're in the minority in your generation. So as you can see, therapy teaches you new skills like active listening, empathy, emotional insight, and then eventually become second nature. You won't always be thinking like, am I actively listening? Am I being empathic? Because therapy really is one of the most effective modern tools we have for improving relationships, including the relationship with ourselves, which is the most important relationship. And I think that Covid did a ton to destigmatize therapy. Well, first, there was a national conversation about mental health, and it also exploded our virtual options because a lot of you used to tell me, oh, I don't have time to go to therapy. I work 24 7. I can't get my partner to go to therapy. But making therapy more accessible and in many cases, more affordable during the last few years was great. So that is such good news for us as a culture. But let's talk about is therapy right for you? How do you know? Well, first, here's some signs it might Be time to get a couples therapist. Maybe you're in a relationship right now and you're like, you know, things aren't terrible, but they also aren't amazing. Here's a list of signs from the Gottman Institute. And since they've done so much research on what makes or breaks a couple, fascinating research, actually. I trust what they have to say on the subject matter. Signs include escalating conflict and nasty communication habits. There's contempt. You're saying things to your partner that are just not kind. They're things that you wouldn't have said a year ago, but now you're saying them. Another one is emotional distance and feelings of loneliness. I can't tell you how many of you are here from that. You're in a relationship, you're with your partner, you're living with your partner, but you still feel lonely and you feel separate. Another one is falling out of love. I. E. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Trust and commitment issues like difficulty relying on a partner, feeling like they're not really going to be there for you. Sexless or low sex, marriage abuse, if there's been any abuse in your relationship, any affairs, addictions, alcohol, drugs, porn, all of it. Definitely affairs, too. Let me go back to that for a minute. Remember, if the trust has been broken in a relationship, whether someone was having an affair or it was about money or your partner kept saying they were gonna do something and they didn't do it. When trust becomes compromised in a relationship, I highly recommend therapy to rebuild it. It's really hard on your own. Another thing is difficult. Childhood upbringings that have emotionally wounded partners makes it difficult to trust your partner or stay engaged with when conflict arises. That's also a great time for individual therapy first, because, you know, it's difficult, you guys, and I'm going to break this down in a second, but I personally believe we could all use some solo therapy and some couples therapy once or with a partner. But it really helps to get that solo stuff down. Like how did my family of origin and my primary caregivers impact who I am today? Again, not blaming your parents. I'm sure you know a lot of you. Like, I had the best upbringing. My parents are the best. Yes, they are. Your parents are the best they could, but all of us. It is not blaming your parents. It's literally understanding them, understanding they did the best they could with the skills they had from their parents. There will be some things, some patterns that got set up in your childhood that are impacting who you are today in wonderful ways and in ways that are also straining your life. And so that's what therapy helps us recognize those patterns. So you kind of say, this isn't mine. This is my mom's voice in my head. This isn't me. And then you get to disentangle it. You get to decide, like, I'm going to figure out who I am. That's a lot of therapy. So another thing you can think about if you want to know if you need therapy, this is what I hear from all of you. Here's some questions you can ask yourself specifically when deciding whether or not to pursue therapy or couples counseling. Ready? Am I sexually satisfied? Do we get stuck in the same arguments again and again? Am I willing to change? Here's a big one, you guys. Do I want to save this relationship, or have I already made up my mind that it's over? So, essentially, are you committed to making it work? Okay, so now you know some signs to look for and questions to ask yourself when deciding whether or not to look for a couple's counselor. And let me just say this, you might think you made up your mind to leave the relationship, or you might think, I know it's not going to work, or I'm pretty sure it's not going to work. And I would always say that if you're on the fence about it and you're not quite sure that before you decide to end a relationship, I always want to make sure that you've done everything. You haven't left any stone unturned. And I truly believe that if you have not tried therapy yet with your partner, you actually haven't done everything you need to to figure out if this relationship is right for you. What to expect from couples therapy. Let's start there. So a lot of time couples enter therapy not because of one person causing problems. It's not like, well, this person cheated or this person has a mood disorder, or she's always mad at me, or he was never there to help with the kids. It's because of a dynamic that's hurting both of you. So here's what you could expect to get out of couples counseling. You will work on communication skills, which will help you navigate conflict more effectively. That's just really what it is. You are really learning how to communicate and develop a language where you can actually hear each other. Because remember, active learning, learning to say what you mean, mean what you say in a way that your partner can understand. These are the tools you're going to learn in therapy. You can rebuild trust after a betrayal. You can expect that now. If sex is your issue, you're definitely gaining some insight on what you're looking for in your sexual connections. Please go back and listen to my recent best of episode with Celeste and Danielle, who talk at length about core desires, our sexual movies, what we actually require for erotic connection, and then how to get those needs satisfied with your partner. You'll definitely, in therapy, be able to address old hurts, resentments you've been dragging around between the two of you, and how to heal them. I hear this all the time from couples. Well, they were never there when the baby came along or you didn't protect me from your dad at Thanksgiving. He said those terrible things to me, right. Six years ago or a year ago. These are resentments. And then resentments build up over time and they get much more intense and they get stronger. And it's really hard to heal them without going to therapy. Therapy helps you excavate these hurts and resentments before they get really big and out of control. Here's what you need to know about couples counseling. The therapist's client isn't you or your partner. It's the relationship. It is the dynamic that is your relationship. They're not there to take sides. They're actually there to evaluate the health of the relationship and make it stronger. They want what you want. They're not taking sides. I promise. I always hear this people, oh, my therapist loved my partner more than I did, or I was my therapist's favorite. A great therapist, you might be thinking that, but they're not choosing sides. They really want you to win and they want you to win in the relations. Solo therapy. Listen, in addition to. Or maybe instead of couples counseling, like I said, you might decide to go to solo therapy. So let's get into that.

So what you can expect from solo therapy, a very supportive professional who holds you in high regard. They're empathic and they're kind. I have seen many therapists over the years. Like I said, I had that first experience when I was 25. She was a little bit too much into embodiment and feeling things in my body. She would have been great for me 10 years later. But then I went to a talk therapist after that who just did traditional talk therapy. And that was the first time I remember learning that. All these ways that I felt that I was, like, messed up or that I was really hard on myself or that in fact I was like, oh, my childhood was great. I had all these stories and this narrative about my childhood that I realized that like. Like, it did. It helped with self compassion. Like, it helped me realize that a lot of things I was struggling with, like my parents, divorce, my father's death, relationship with my brother, like, all these things that I just kind of accepted as my life. I realized that there's all these patterns in my life and relationships in my life that had gotten me to this age of 25, 26, let's say. And the way I was dealing with others were a direct reflection of things with my family. And I just realized, no, it wasn't always easy. There were hard things. You know, a lot of us want to sweep it under the rug and be like, no, my life is great. Everything was fine. Yeah, my parents got divorced three times and my dad died, but I'm fine. Look at me. Like, we want to paint the best picture. We want it all to be fine and kind of sweep it under the rug because we got to survive. I'm a survivor. But I realized I had to unpack some stuff and it wasn't painful. That's what I want to explain to you guys. Going into this stuff that you might have buried is not painful. It's like liberating. It's like, oh, my God. Here are the answers to who I am. It's like my operating system, why I move through the world the way I do, why I choose these certain partners, why are these relationships, why I'm the way I am. That was one of my first steps in therapy, was that kind of therapy I did in my mid-20s. If you want more information about how therapists tend to approach their work, there is a wonderful book you can read by Lori Gottlieb. It's called maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. And she tells stories about herself as a therapist, and she sort of lifts the veil of what a therapist is thinking and how they operate, as well as her own experience going to therapy. And also a super painful breakup. It's a great book. Therapy also is like an open forum to discuss whatever is on your mind. Everything goes. It helps you heal from past hurts. Maybe there's a diagnosis on your mental health. Like, maybe you're like, oh, I, you know, was I have anxiety or depression. I remember finding out that I had add. I was like, oh, thank God. That's why I can't focus. Stay on task, get things done. Remember things, you know, like, I learned ways of coping with it, and it was such a relief. To identify personal behavior patterns is like, just, oh, like, this is what it is. It just gives you Distance and allows you to work through things in a much more linear fashion. And you're not alone. You essentially have a partner to help you move through life in a much healthier way. You definitely learn new communication skills that you can use with others, like setting boundaries. And yeah, you might also get a prescription for medication like an antidepressant or anti anxiety meds. And you got to think of medication like a cast. It's holding things in place, but the deep healing happens underneath. And that's where the therapy comes in. I also want to mention sex therapy, because a lot of you do ask me about sex therapy and you're like, what is the difference between sex therapy and regular therapy? So I just want to explain to you what the difference is and what happens during sex therapy, if you decide to see one. And there's definitely different approaches to all different kinds of therapy, but sex therapy focuses on couples dealing with intimacy issues, like, you know, if there's performance anxiety or specific sexual challenges, relationship problems, communic. And the success of sex therapy, though, relies on both partners being very committed to the process. And a lot of sex therapy is also homework. So you can practice changing deeply rooted sexual patterns that you want to change up. And you can do it at home. So there's like, educational stuff. There's like reading together. And the homework can include things like playing with toys, role playing, watching porn together, learning how to actually communicate about where your sexual needs are. There's a practice called sensate focus where you relearn how to touch each other in ways that feel good to both of you. Because again, since we get into patterns and we're like, I don't like this touch, I don't like that touch, but I can't explain to you what kind of touch I want. So you build up, you go back to beginning touches, intermediate touches, and just where you want to be touched today. Very helpful process there. And sometimes sex therapy can include sexological bodywork. And if you're curious about this, check out my recent podcast, Maximize youe Orgasm with Dolly Josette. I also hear from a lot of you wanting to go therapy, but your partner will not. And if that's the case, I have a great Ask Emily article on my website. How do you get your partner to go to therapy? With tips on how to navigate that conversation, which can be tricky. I hear from you all the time. I want to go. My partner won't. What do you do? Okay, but maybe you have trauma from your past that's hurting your sex life. But therapy seems Very intimidating or unaffordable. And to lots of people, therapy also carries a stigma. It's like a confirmation that you're crazy or you're insane or they're going to send you off somewhere to insane asylum. Or if you're going to couples counseling, it's like a death sentence for your relationship. Neither of those are true. But those myths still prevent a lot of people from seeking the help they need. Finding a therapist is a process, but you definitely have to look at cost, convenience, comfort level. You know, looking for a therapist is kind of like dating. Like, I always suggest that you go see two to three therapists and see who you actually like. Because you get stuff out of each session, even though they might charge you for that session. I think it's totally worth it to find someone that you actually can see being in a relationship with, because essentially it is a relationship. Now let's talk about cost. So if you plan to pay for therapy through your insurance, your first step might be to look through your plan's provider network. It's a great idea to find out if you whether your plan limits the number of sessions you can attend each year. So if you can use it out of network therapist, it is important to call your insurance and find out. A lot of insurance gives you free sessions, like 20 free sessions a year. So just find out. It's just a phone call away. If you have health insurance, either through your employer you're paying for it, you likely have therapy coverage included as well. And your community may also have resources to help you. If you're a student, your school might provide access to a counseling center. If you're employed, HR might offer a list of therapists available through a workplace, wellness or employee assistance program. There's also online resources that can help keep costs down. And for couples who find traditional therapy too expensive or you find it too expensive, I get it. It's not for everybody. Not all of us can afford therapy. I highly recommend Ian Kerner's book, tell me about the last time you had sex. Dr. Kerner. He also wrote she comes first, which is a great book. He explains how you can decode and rewrite your relationship with sex script and bring your erotic self into the bedroom to transform your sex life. These days, there's a lot of awesome organizations have popped up to make therapy more accessible. Like therapy for black girls or therapy for Latinx. Okay. Convenience online therapy way more common than ever these days. Still, some people prefer in person. I think it's great to see a therapist in person. At least to get to know them at first. There's also apps that allow you to do video therapy. Phone therapy. And how frequently you go is largely determined between you and your therapist. But as a general rule, I advise you go weekly, at least at first. In fact, commit that you're gonna go once a week for three months. That's when you're really gonna start to see the change. It takes a while, and your first instincts might be like, I'm done. Stick with it. You're gonna start to see results. And finally, your comfort level. Ask someone that you trust, Someone who you look at as mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, someone you respect. Ask them about their therapy experience. If they have a reference for a therapist, you know, this can help you get ideas about who you might be a good fit with. All right, so now you've got a ton of information about therapy, including how to know when it's the right time, whether you should go to couples or solo, and what to expect and how to find one. When we come back, I answer your questions about how therapy can change your sex life.

This is from Laura, 33, in New Jersey. Hey, Dr. Emily. Thank you for everything you do on your show. I've learned a lot and really enjoy the content. I'm reaching out to ask if you have any good resources for someone in my situation. I've been with my husband for a few years, and we have a great relationship, including a good sex life. We have amazing sex. I think about sex. I get turned on. I plan sexy surprises, I buy toys, I prepare for intimacy, and I get really into it. Yet more times than not, I do not act on it. I will think I want sex, and my partner will come for me, But I turn him away and ask myself why. I believe I have some intimacy issues related to sexual trauma from my childhood. I know I have a lot more sexual energy that's just dying to come out of me. I'd love to connect with a sex coach or a therapist who can help me unblock my sexuality, making me more receptive when my husband does the things I want him to do. After looking around my area, I realized I don't know where to start. I don't know who's the right type of person to help me. I'm overwhelmed but very open to taking a step. Do you have any suggestions of where to begin? Do you how to find good people in the area or someone who can even help over the computer? Thanks. Okay, Laura, thank you so much for your question. And I want to get you some help here so you're in New Jersey. So yes, you will definitely find some good help there. And where I would start is your own health insurance, if you have health insurance, and see if there's any providers in your area. And you know, you talked about sexual trauma, and I just want to remind everyone, everybody, that if you've had any kind of trauma, especially sexual trauma, it really does impact your ability to have a sexually healthy relationship for many of you. And even though it happened a long time ago or you think you don't really think about it anymore, you've moved past it, that's typically not the case. Typically, there's something that has happened during that horrible experience that's going to limit your ability to have the kind of intimacy and connection that you really want. And you already know this, Laura. So I would look for somebody who specializes in sexual trauma or trauma therapy, like someone who does EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. That organization is called mdria.org we'll also put that in the show notes. Another great way would be if you listen to the show with Celeste and Danielle. We talk a lot about embodiment because there's a lot of stuff that gets sort of stuck in your body and it sounds like your brain's on board for sex, but your body isn't there yet. I would also recommend talking to a friend. Is there anyone that you know that seems like they've had a good experience in therapy? Maybe they'd be willing to give you a referral. So that's where I recommend you start. Thank you so much for your email, Laura, and I'm sending you so much love and wishing you so much luck. Okay. This is from Doug 41 in Minneapolis. Hey, Dr. Emily, how do you know when it's time to get therapy help for potential mental blocks? I was raised in a house with very little sex talk and lots of religious talk. I was a virgin till I was 32. I still have lots of anxiety about my pediatrician penis working during sex. The few partners I've had haven't really had a lot of issues. It's been seven years since I've had a partner now, and I'm feeling very unsure and anxious. I don't feel like there's a physical problem. I can get it up for porn and occasionally have morning wood. Another part of this is porn use. For a while, I've been feeling very defeated and just let my porn usage take over almost daily. I recently found new hope that I will find someone again, but I want to be ready when the time comes. So it sounds like you've moved past a lot of the childhood conditioning of growing up in a religious home, being a virgin till you're 32. These are a lot of things that unfortunately they don't just go away because you had sex now or you're 41 years old and you left home 20 years ago. The seeds of our childhood runs through our veins all the time. You're still hearing your parents voices. You're still probably feeling in some ways that it's not okay to be sexual, that you're violating some bond that you have with the universe or with your God or your family, and just not okay, even though you know it's okay. So maybe every time you are watching porn, you have a guilt feeling after, and you've also been feeling in your brain that something's wrong with your penis when there's no evidence that there is. And so I would recommend some talk therapy and to kind of see if it's anxiety that you're experiencing. Maybe there's like some breathing exercises you can learn. And maybe you could see a sex therapist as well so you can learn to really connect with your body. If you're realizing that you're drawn to so much porn right now, to me, that's taking you further away from the connection you need with yourself and the self compassion and the self love you need right now, Doug, because it hasn't been easy. Like, I can imagine that being a virgin Till you're 32 isn't easy. I can imagine that growing up in a place where sex wasn't easily talked about isn't easy. So to have a therapist that can kind of help you understand where you came from and who you are now as an adult and learn to connect more deeply with your body and with your breath and with your anxiety, like, letting it go, maybe not using porn for a while again. Porn has some great uses. I do not totally vilify porn, but when it becomes everything, like that's the only way you can masturbate, but yet you're still having these feelings. I think maybe finding a sex therapist that can help you kind of detangle all this stuff and work towards building a healthy relationship with yourself and your body, that is the first step. You need to eventually bring that partner into your life. But let's, when you're single, clear up a lot of this stuff now, so when that person comes along, you'll be ready and raring to go. All right, thanks, Doug. This is from Carla, 29, in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been with my husband for three years now. I've known him for four. I recently discovered my husband cheated on me with a prostitute a month ago. He tried to lie about it. I had trust issues with him before, but it was only text messages to prostitutes. This time I had full confirmation. He did go to meet her. Our sex life is not the best. I have a higher sex drive than he does. I'm more of a passion or rough with music, all the vibe. But he's more of a quickie, get in and get out type of guy. So for a while I've been sexually unsatisfied because I don't have a sexual connection with him. What frustrates me more about his cheating is that I find it unfair he got to have his sexual satisfaction, didn't trust me enough to tell me his sexual desires. I tried spicing things up before, toys, lingerie, sex games, but he's just not into it. He says I make sex too complicated and he's tired from work. He claims he doesn't have a fantasy and says he's fine with our sex life. But clearly it's not the case or else he wouldn't want to see a sex worker. We're currently in our second session in couples therapy. My therapist said he might just want a transaction to get in and get out without complications. But that makes me feel more unwanted and basically my husband wants to put zero effort in the bedroom. All right, Carla. Wow. A lot going on here. It sounds like it's been really hard and probably really painful. I am so thrilled that you have found a therapist and that you're both going together. You're in your second session and the 10th session is going to look a lot different. So please do not quit. I love that you got it all out on the table here and it sounds to me is that like you both have some challenges connecting on an intimate level. He is more about the hidden. Quit it. Maybe he didn't have a lot of practice with intimate relationships, long term relationships and sexuality. And it sounds like he might be burying his head. The fact that he wants like hit it and quit it, it's a transaction he doesn't want to put into work into your sex life. He sees it as just something to get in and get out is definitely a belief system that he has. And I'd love to know if that's a pattern that he's willing to work on. Listen, just because we are a certain way doesn't mean we're going to be like that forever. Right now, what I'm hearing you say is he doesn't want to put the work into relationships. He's more transactional. But that, again, is his learned behavior. What we need to understand is, is your husband open to going deeper? Is he willing to do the work to get some more emotional understanding, emotional depth, work on these intimacy issues. He's in therapy with you, and I hope that you're gonna see that he's gonna start to look at himself and figure out ways he can be a great lover to you, so you can be a great lover to him as well. But he has to be willing to put in the work. And I'm hopeful because he is agreeing to go to therapy with you, which is a great sign. He could also be like, I'm not the work. Put your sex toys away and I'm not going to therapy. Just accept that I'm going to go see prostitutes now. There's also something to work on here with the trust. You said you already had trust issues, so there's just a lot to unpack here. I would definitely start with some of the trust issues. When trust is broken, it's really hard to feel safe and intimate in a relationship and to fully let go sexually. I mean, maybe that's part of what's turning you away from sex, that you've tried to spice things up with toys and lingerie and then you feel rejected. You feel like he's not into it, and that's really hard to keep that going. You're like, well, I'm not gonna bring out the toy again if I feel rejected. So I would really get into that dynamic as well and find out, like, did he mean to reject you? Is he really not into it? Is there parts of toys or lingerie that's a little bit threatening to him? I'm assuming maybe he's in his 20s too. Just know this, you guys probably just don't have a lot of experience being in long term intimate relationships. He's probably bringing everything that he's learned about his sexuality to the table. You're bringing what you've learned about yourself, and now you get to work with a therapist on building your sexual relationship together. And hopefully what it's going to look like is starting again, letting go of all the stuff from the past and figuring out how to touch each other, how to talk to each other about sex, what your core erotic turn ons are, what feels good to both of you. And maybe you can just again, leave the past on the table and say, right now we are here to rebuild and begin again. Because the truth is, once the trust is broken in a relationship or an affair happens, it's okay to say, you know what, Our relationship is over. It's over. We're never going back to how it was. But the beauty of that is now it's time to start again. You get to build a new relationship, starting now. So hopefully that's what you're seeing. It's going to enhance your intimacy, your sex life, your connection. I really hope that you start to see progress and change soon, Carla, in the next few months. So stick with it and keep me posted. Thank you so much for your question and sharing with all of us.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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