They Call Me Bond; Bondage

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking about bondage. Ways to break into it easily and to do it right. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship question. Topics include easy ways to tie your partner up without breaking the bank. So your partner wants you to be more dominant, but you're just like, what? Now that you've had the sex convo on trying new things, how do you come knock, knock, knocking on the back door properly? We're gonna tell you. Why do you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people? And how do you surprise your long distance love with the ride of a lifetime? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry it shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad for you feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. do that right now and find us on all social media. It is exwithemily across the board for the new year. For each show, I wanna start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you, do the same. Okay, what do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, think about, like, why you're listening and what you want to get out of this episode and how you think it might help you. And then when the show's over, you can think about it again. I've found that setting intentions before I do things, you know, really help information sink in, like whether I'm taking a course or I'm going to lunch with a friend or I am going to work out. I'm like, what do I want to get? Why am I here? So, for example, it could be like, I just need a new idea for the bedroom, or I want to be able to fulfill my partner's domination fantasy. My intention was to give you guys some more tips to engage in power play and bondage. Because for a lot of couples who, you know, are looking for variety in the bedroom, where you get distracted during sex, this can really help anchor you with your partner and have more intimacy, actually. So that's my intention for you all. Enjoy the show. Bondage. People always want to know, like, what does it mean to tie my partner up? How do we figure out this, like, consensual. Consensually tie each other up? So bondage means to be as restrained for erotic purposes. Essentially, the B in bdsm, which is bondage, discipline, sadomasochism.

I like being tied up. And also, even during my wedding, actually. So my husband brought.

He.

Yeah, during our. Because we got married in Hawaii. But he said he was gonna bring some rope. And of course, it's not like your typical rope, you guys. It's not like you're, you know, the kind you see. That's all, like, looks like it would hurt you or something. No, you could even use something that's, like, material that you would use for, like, yarn or something like that. It doesn't have to necessarily be your average. Like, you think some rope you used to tie a boat with or something.

It's not like, thank God.

Yeah.

Boat rope seems hard.

Exactly. Not like that, but yeah. So he would. He used actually this very like a yarn. It was almost like a yarn. It was very soft. It felt very nice. Because he knows I don't like things that like would scratch or anything. And he tied up my. My breasts and so that he bas. Put it down the center of them and then tied them apart somewhat so it didn't hurt so much. But it was more like tying them so they were separated. Almost like it was a bra in itself. And it was like a halter. It was very cute. I'll have to show you pictures, but yeah. And so that was kind of like a bondage that we would do like that night.

So he restrained you by tied and your hands were also tied?

Yes. So that's the thing. It tied to my hands as well. So it was very.

Because you have breasts. Like for me, I mean, I have some. But you couldn't tie it. You could. That wouldn't work for everybody, right?

Exactly.

There's no breast anchors, but that's amazing. So had you been. So tell me. Because what we're gonna talk about, you guys, is bondage is a very popular kink for people. And I think. Yeah, we make it so difficult. Like just use some string. Use some bondage tape. We actually have some bondage tape here. Which. Nick, are you there a call screener. I really wanted to tie you up in New York so badly, but we were so busy that I didn't get to. And I wanted to use this bondage tape. Cause it' so freaking cool. Have you seen this before? So let me tell you why I love bondage tape. Because it sticks. It looks like duct tape. And it comes in different colors. There's like red and black and purple and. But it's. It's reusable. But it also. It sticks to itself. So let's say I had my two hands here.

Oh, this is nice.

Yeah, it's really nice. So give me your hands.

Okay.

I'm going to tie you up. So you go like this. And literally, you guys, it is my favorite thing. I think I discovered this like 14 years ago when I first. I'm like, that's still my favorite thing. So there you go. Look at this. So it sticks to itself. You can just break it. You can use your teeth.

Yes.

But it's almost like a decal. Okay. There it works. But you could even make it tighter. Right, right, right. So you could wear this around your. You could do it in your hands. You could do it around your. I could blindfold you, right? I could blindfold you. I got a stand mic and do bonding. I have to tie someone up while being on the mic. This is a first. Okay.

Turn around so you know what I'm saying? And this is it. So watch. She's got a blindfold, and this tape is, like 12 bucks a roll. And it's reusable if you want to.

Y' all are doing great, by the way.

And it doesn't stick to its hair. It doesn't stick to the hair. It doesn't stick to yourself.

Look at her.

She's a natural. Is it like you're at home or something? Is it like your husband? Is this fun?

We're either gonna kidnap.

Oh, my God. You could do it around their mouth. You could do it around the legs. And it's for you. Like, how great is body? So easy. And you're all like, I don't know how to do it. Do you want to come out of this? Okay? Okay. But don't you think it's. Would you use it? You're very good at subject.

That's actually really awesome how easy that came off, too. That's actually what I love about it, too, is that it's not like duct tape. And it actually doesn't stick to your skin, so it doesn't feel like you have something that's so sticky.

Right.

That you would be. It would hurt you. It actually is not. It doesn't hurt any at all. No. Which is nice.

It doesn't. Yeah. I put over your hair, she has this long. You see Christina's hair? She's the most beautiful Lux. Every day I stare her, and I go, how is her hair? So perfectly long. And the highlights and the things and the thickness. Good jeans. But yeah, you just do it. And it's really easy. I also love sports sheets. Makes great Velcro handcuffs. I think in our mind, we make it. We think it's a big boat rope, or we think it has a locking key and you gotta, like, lock up the handcuffs. But no, it's just so easy to do. And it's just hot because you're feeling right. Restrained, or you take away eyesight, then everything else becomes more heightened. And so I think it's, you know, popular for a lot of people. And that's. I want to talk about, like, beginner bondage. So you want to make sure you've consent. You don't want to just, like, whip out the bondage tape, be like, hey, babe, I'm just Gonna. You want to talk about it ahead of time, and you want to pay attention to your body. Like, how does it feel in the moment? What are you enjoying about it? Can you let go? I mean, I think that the great thing about playing with bondage is that. Is that. And like, it's, you know, dominant, submissive play. Power play is that you actually get. The person who's being tied up gets, like, kind of let go a little bit, and. And you can sort of. You let go in the sense of you're not doing anything, but also you are feeling much more in your body, because when you take away movement or eyesight, you're feeling more. And you're also feeling more connected. That for people who have, like, ADD and their mind wanders. I'm raising my hand. Is that you. Sometimes you're in a power play with your partner, so you're just feeling. It also can be really more intimate. It's not as disassociative. A lot of people kind of go in their minds and, like, fantasize during sex, but this is like a very connected, intimate issue.

Intimate act, definitely.

Right. With your. With your husband, too.

You feel like 100% it's more intimate. And that's what I think I love about it, too, is because. And we switch so I can tie him up as well. And that's the thing. It's like, we both get to see how that, you know, dominant and submissive relationship can be and switching because he's so dominant in his work and I'm so dominant in my work. We like being submissive, both, but we also like to dominate.

Did you feel that it was something had. You always had a sense that you could be bothered switching?

I didn't. That's the thing. I always thought I wanted to be submissive. And then Nick got it out of me. He was able to pull out from me being more into my dominant side. And what's so funny is all my gay friends said, we knew you had it in you. And I was like, oh, my God. I had no idea there was this other side that I could do that too.

I love it. I mean, I feel like in your marriage too, like, this is what you guys. This is what I want. I want all of you to go a little bit deeper in your relationship just because you think something isn't possible. I could never go there. When you're with a partner where you feel safe and you're actually having really healthy, helpful conversations and you feel safe to explore that, you're like, let me Try to explore the dominant side. And if it didn't work, it would have been okay. And then him giving you permission to maybe. It's awkward the first time. I'm sure you weren't, like, standing up there with a whip.

No, no.

Right.

And now I have. I have floggers now.

She's got the floggers and the whips, but not the first time. So I think also, you guys, another thing you can use is a spreader bar. And this is like a. It's not only great for, like, binding your feet, but it also adds in some, like, power play. So you can put your. Michelle was using it earlier that you can, you know, put this around your legs. I can't do it yet.

I think you should do it.

I'm wearing a dress and shoes. Okay.

She took it to your ankles and then take off my shoes and then put it to your hands. Yes.

So, yes.

Michelle, don't shoot up my skirt. Okay. This doesn't fit on my toes, but. So a spreader bar is hot. Because, you guys, it's sort of like it's power play. You have your hands, your feet. I can't. We've never done that. And my dress is your ankles, too.

Don't worry.

My ankles, and they're spread apart, and it's just another power play that. You said you have a spreader bar. Right. Christina at home. Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Multiple.

Why am I doing this? And.

I am dominant and submissive.

Yes, you are multifaceted.

So that's what happens.

Multifaceted right here.

Okay. But you could also put your hands in there. You probably just have a bar or.

No.

Do you have everything?

I have one like this that you have that where you can put your ankles and your. Your wrists around. And I also have one that's just for your legs. So it actually just keeps them spread. And so that way, you know, it's almost like, in a way, a little painful, which I'm okay with. And then having to, like, you know, stay in that position while you're trying to have intercourse or sex or, you know, being dominant, submissive.

So what part of it is painful? The actual. Your legs are.

Because they're spreading.

Because it's all spread.

Right.

So it's kind of like you are open. Like, your partner's essentially saying by you wearing the spreader bar, like, you are open to me. I can take you in any.

I can leave you. I can come back, and then I can leave again. Exactly. Yeah. But it's really hot.

Yeah. You guys, this is all hot stuff. This Little Beginner Bondage 101.

I've never heard of a spreader bar. No, not before this.

I mean, I've always heard of handcuffs, but I was like, spreader bar?

Yeah, it's hot. I mean, I've had people specifically be like, you're gonna spread a bar? It's like a niche thing. It seems like it's sort of niche, but there are people who definitely know what a spreader bar is. So I was like, we gotta grab the spreader bar for today's show. We also have the door jam cuffs, which are just really cool cuffs that if you an attachment, they can fit over your door. So you just close the door, and it keeps you in place. So, like, this. This goes around the door, which is cool because you can shut any door. You know what I'm saying? This goes on the other side of the door.

So there's two different ones, two different cuffs.

And then.

And they have, like, these, like, little bars at the end and those. And then there's like, these wrist Velcro bondage wraps that you can put from the door.

This would be over the door. And then I would be, like, holding on, holding on, like, to the door. Like, that's just so I can't go anywhere when I'm like. And it's Velcro, too. These are sports sheets. It's just. Velcro is smart. Works. You're like, there.

I like that sound on the mic.

Yeah, we should play with.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Ooh.

We need, like, some whips in here too. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

I keep playing with it. I forgot where I was. That was really fun.

Yeah. You guys. Beginner bondage. We also have some information on our site, sex with emily.com. some beginner bondage kits. We also have. I don't know, just people. I feel like it's really. If it's something that is interesting to you. Submissive play, power play. Do some research. Find some. We have tons of stuff on our website. Listen to. We have a lot of podcasts about this issue. If you go. We have tons of podcasts. Sex with only dot com. I feel like. Just don't. Don't write it off until maybe you do a little research and maybe there's, like, kernels of it. Maybe you find some porn that depicts scenes that this is where porn is great and good to be like, oh, what does bondage mean? And then say if it's something with your partner that you've been thinking, I want to do. You can show them a particular scene and be like, this is what I had in mind. Or listen to some shows we have and blog posts and all those things. Just educate. Research, you guys. Educate yourself and research. That's how you become a better lover and better communication. It's important.

I agree.

I just wanted to say, though, like, it's not like you get these toys. It's not like Nick had toys immediately when we were starting this either. So I know that sometimes people are like, oh, I want to do this, but I don't have anything. But that's okay. Like you were saying, reach. Research is so important.

Yeah.

And you can go ahead and find out more about that.

Research is me search. Like, when you research, you're researching yourself too. Oftentimes we're figuring out, like, what. Like, what you actually like. And I think that a lot of people are faced with a position where they're like, I know sex could be better this than this than it is right now, but I don't know what that means. So they think, oh, I'm just gonna shut down or I'm not gonna talk about it. And I actually started a podcast 14 years ago. Cause I knew that sex could be better than it was. And so I. My whole. This is research. This was my whole life of research sitting here talking to you guys. So do a little bit. Find out what's interest. And you're so right. I don't care if you buy a spreader bar or tape. You could use a handkerchief, you could use a necktie. You could get creative. You could use a T shirt. You know, like, tie your partner. You don't have to buy a goddamn thing. Right, but that's a great point. You can start just by researching and looking into it or trying something around the house. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your questions.

All right? We have Katie, who's 24 in California. She wants to know how to be more dominant in bed.

Hey, Katie. Oh, you called the other night, I believe, right, Katie?

Yeah.

Thank you for calling.

Yeah, I called a little late, though.

Okay. No, I'm so glad you called. We got you. Okay, what's going on? Tell me.

So my husband is dominant in bed, but he sometimes wants me to be. And I'm just. I get really shy and I don't know what to do. Like how I should go about trying to do it.

Yeah, it's a great question, Katie. So. Because why would you know if you've never done it before. And so you're in the position that a lot of people are when our partner tells us they want something, and we're like, I don't know what that means. Like, I'm not sure what it means to be dominant. So my first thing would be to ask him and say, can you, like, let. Walk me through a scenario or show me what you mean? How would you like me to be dominant? Because that also looks different. Does he want you to tie him up? Does he want you to spank him? Does he want verbal dominance? Does he want you to verbally use dominant words? Does he? So I think you get to totally ask here and say, you know what? I would love to get to know more about this. Tell me what that looks like to you. So there's nothing wrong with you. You don't know. And I was gonna ask Christina here, because Christina is her husband. You weren't into being dominant. Right. And then he kind of taught you. You didn't know it was gonna be your thing. And then how did you guys learn that that might be helpful for Katie?

Yeah, I actually did exactly what your advice is that I asked him what is it that he liked? I asked it if it was something that he. And he told me he likes to be humiliated.

Okay.

And so that's when I discovered. Oh, okay. And then what is that kind of thing that you want to be humiliated? But do you want. He's like, I want to think of you being with, like, another man.

Okay.

And tell me what you would do with him. And that's gonna humiliate me. And so he just wanted me to talk more verbally.

The verbally.

See?

Right. How would you know? Like, you didn't know if he wanted handcuffs and to be spanked, but it was more verbal domination.

He wanted more verbal domination.

Okay.

And he does. Like, now it's progressed to more, like, I can also. You do bondage, and I can also do other things with him. But it gets more. As they, you know, we both discover together, and it's actually very beautiful.

Expanding. That is really beautiful. I love all the layers. Feeling back with Christina, sex life. So, Katie, does that make sense to you? Does that. Could. Could that be helpful to have just some more conversations? Maybe he can show you some porn that he likes that have some scenes in it that show what he's into. But you in no way have to be nailing this right now.

Yeah, I think I just. Because I. I get, like, shy and embarrassed almost. So I think asking would probably be better. Yeah, I just don't know what exactly.

And I'm telling you, you shouldn't. You don't have to know, Katie. You shouldn't know. Don't beat yourself up. Of course you're embarrassed. You know, it's okay. Like, you're shy. You haven't done it before. It's a new skill. And it's okay to ask a lot of questions. You could tell them, say, I'm really shy. I'm embarrassed. This is hard, but I want to know. And then keep asking, well, what does it look like? What does it look like? And then you'll get more information.

And I wasn't perfect the first time either.

Oh, right.

I literally actually laughed a lot because I felt weird about it. But then I got more comfortable and he was cool about it, too.

Right? Because sex is funny, dude. That's the thing. I think we all try to be so perfect, you know, we think everything has to be perfect. I think a lot of us don't try new things because it's not going to be perfect. And especially with sex, it's so scary to try something and be like, what if I make a fool of myself? But I'm giving you permission that it won't be perfect, Katie. You might laugh. It might not happen. You might feel awkward, but on the other side of it, we have Christina here, who's in a really healthy relationship, and they keep expanding and growing. And so that could happen with you, Katie. And I think it will just have some honest communication.

Yeah. Awesome.

Awesome.

Thank you, Katie.

Of course I'm here for you. Glad you called back.

I feel like, yeah, there's so many different things to be dominant. Like, how would you know if someone didn't explain it to you? Because there's so many different ways.

She's 24. I wouldn't even know that. I know you're like, but. Because it looks different to everybody. I didn't think that you were gonna say humiliation.

Right, Exactly. And that's. I didn't think that either. Cause I automatically go to what I've seen. Seen in movies. I automatically go to what I've seen in, you know, TV shows or something where it's like, oh, I gotta put on, you know, latex, and I gotta put. I gotta get a whip and I gotta put a blindfold on you.

Right. You want me to be a dominatrix? Maybe you want me to pee on you. I don't know.

Exactly.

Exactly.

But then you just asked, right? And then you love them and you're like, I can figure this out. We're doing it together. I love that. Thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, of course.

All right, we have Carmen, 64, in Arizona who wants to ask about anal toys.

Hey, Carmen, how you doing?

Hi, how are you? Dr. Emily?

Hi. Hi. I'm good. Thanks for calling.

Thank you.

I wanted to thank you because thanks to you, I had the first talk ever about sex and toys and it was so wonderful. We're going to go to a store to buy some toys and it brought us closer. You have no idea how amazing. We've been dating two years and it's just gone up our level of, you know, closeness. So thank you for that.

Yes, of course. I remember. You're 64, right, Carmen? 64. And how old is he?

Yes, but just by listening to your program, just by listening to your program, it's just been amazing, which is even better just by listening to the show. So my question is I about anal because I had anal sex with my ex, with my first husband, and sincerely, we were very tipsy and I really enjoyed it, but I never wanted to do it again. I thought it was, I don't know, perversion that I. What's wrong?

Yeah.

And so then with my boyfriend a few like 10 years ago, I really tried to like, he, he.

Here's the thing. Carmen tried it and I. Yeah, well, here's the thing. It's mostly people have bad first time experience like that. They're drunk and they're like, oh, no, wrong hole. It goes in or you know it's going in, but you don't use lube and you don't go slow. So the most important thing is for you to be turned on and warmed up to use. A lot of us, actually, you're asking about toys. It says here is that there's the. The BE Vibe has a beginner anal kit and it has different size butt plugs to build up. It has amazing lube. It has a lube shooter actually to help move the lube long. So that might be. It has a beginner guide to anal. That's literally the best beginner guide I've ever read. It's like very easy to read. There's pictures. I would start there because for many women, Carmen, they don't realize they can actually have pleasure through anal because they just had a bad time, they had a bad experience, they never tried it again. It can actually give you a lot of pleasure if you do it right and slow down. How about that? Carmen?

I really. Well, the only time I. Well, excuse me. The only time I enjoyed it was the first time. But I didn't want to do it because I thought there was a mental block on. This is not good.

Right? It's taboo. Oh, my God. I'm a bad person. Yeah.

But I really enjoyed it. But I never wanted to. But then now, 10 years ago, when I tried again, I couldn't get to like it. We tried it a few times.

Great. But now you're going to try it, right, Carmen? Okay, well, now you'll try it. Try the beginner kit. Awesome. Thanks, Carmen.

Let's talk to Dee Dee, 38, in California. She wants to know why she goes after guys who aren't available.

Hi, Dee Dee. Thanks for calling.

Hi. How are you?

Great. I love this question. Tell me more. Tell me everything.

Thanks. Okay. I mean, I don't start out that way. I really don't try to, like, go for guys that are emotionally or physically unavailable, but it just tends to happen. And it happened to me recently with a dude who just moved here. And I don't know what it is, like, what the trigger is and why do I keep going for these guys?

Well, they. You said. Well, you said at the end, you find out that they're all mostly unavailable. So there's a pattern. Is there anything that you notice with them that. Are there any similarities to the situation, to the setup?

Sometimes it's. They don't live here. And I don't know that first. And I had stopped trying to date guys that don't live in California, but this last guy dated was moving here. And even though I was kind of like, I don't really want to start that, we just. We had a really good connection. He came to visit me and we just kept going throughout the summer. And it was until he got here that I don't know what happened, but he's just.

He wasn't available either. So you said, I'm trying to date guys who don't live here. But you don't find out. I mean, you probably find it out in the first five minutes of meeting someone.

So here's what this last year, right. You didn't tell me for like a.

Week or two, but that is, if they're not here, they're not. They're not available. But also, Didi, here's what I found is that typically when we date people that aren't available, it means that we're actually not available. We are not emotionally available. That it's it. That it's that you have to do the work. Deedee. On opening up, being vulnerable, figuring out what you Truly want. Not just going after guys you might find attractive or hoping they like you. It's more like. I'm just curious. Have you done some work on yourself? Have you had therapy? Have you looked at your last. Your past?

Yeah, definitely. Meditation, blockages, definitely. You know, I know how it stems from childhood.

Yeah. So what have you found out? So I don't think. Because I don't think this is some, like, mystery. Like, it's randomly. Guys who are emotionally available are knocking on your door. You know, I. I think it's something that you're attracted to and sometimes we gotta stop and go, wait a minute, this feels really familiar. He doesn't live in la. Or he's not opening up about how he feels, and then you cut it sooner than later. But then maybe also it's. Have you ever taken a break from dating? Like, from actually not looking?

I did.

Okay.

I actually did. Throughout. Earlier this year.

All right.

Right.

And I. And then even when I was talking to this dude, even though he wasn't here, like, I was just not on the apps or anything, I was, like, focused on business and stuff. I was like, hey, you know, if it works out with you, it works out, but I'm not gonna date anybody for the summer.

Okay, so now where are you at? So now you're just feeling like, what? Like, do you not trust yourself to go out and date right now? Are you feeling like, how can I help you?

Well, no, now. Now I'm really cool. Like, now I'm actually dating. There's a lot of interest in me, and I feel really confident in myself. I'm just worried because a lot of friends are like, well, you slept with that dude so soon and all this, and I don't know if that.

I don't think.

No, I don't think it is either. Listen to me, your friends don't know because I'm telling you, we all get to set our own rules. Only, you know, did it. Did you not feel great when you woke up in the morning and you slept with him? Was that. Did you feel like, ah, that was a mistake.

No, it was great.

Great.

Everything was great.

Then you did nothing wrong, okay? I'm telling you. I think it's. If you felt like having sex with him and it felt great, awesome. But if you were pressured into it and you did it because you thought he would like you, then no. But my rule is that. And I don't have a lot of rules, my suggestion is always, you know, if we've. I really don't. People like how long should I wait? Or how many times should we have sex a week? You know, I'm not going to tell people because then they get all caught up with numbers. But what I am going to tell you is sometimes we have sex right away when we meet someone. And the only thing is for some people, we get really attached to them and then we don't really know them well enough and we just kind of think about the sex and like the oxytocin. You know, you have an orgasm and you've like. Or even just sex.

Yeah.

Those love hormones and they bond us. And then we can't see all the red flags waiting in the distance. Cause we've like, we've had sex with them. So sometimes it's kind of good to like be like, you know, make out and then be like, I'll see you again and then kind of let that part. Cause kind of that's the. The buildup and the tension is. Can be really sexy too. Is I think that can be really hot till we get to know someone. So all I'm saying is maybe you just want to slow it down and, and, and really after date, think about how did they make me feel? Would I. Did I get, you know, you know, ask them questions and just kind of slow it down and maybe also go after somebody that you wouldn't necess that you're. Because often when we just see that person across the room, we're like, yes, that's my person. I only want this person. And that's been your type for so long. We got to shift it and do something different and try someone else. Just try it on.

Yeah, definitely. I hear you.

Okay.

I've tried dating. I'm dating different ethnicities right now. So.

Awesome. Diversify. Get out there. Thanks for calling. Let me know how it goes. I'm here every night. Good to hear from you, Deedee. Thank you. I just. You guys, typically, it is true that if you can keeps casting blame on someone that they are not available, they're not available.

Me. That's how it happens to me all the time. I'm like, oh, I find all these emotionally available and people.

I'm totally not Exactly. You're not available. You. That's okay. But it's like, that is assurance. Because when you are truly open, your heart's open, you're vulnerable. You. You are vulnerable. Those people won't be interesting to you. They won't be meeting you where you're at. It won't even be. You're like, we are speaking different languages. So that's the truth, people.

Carlos, 35, in Texas, he wants to know how to spice it up with his girlfriend.

Hey, Carlos, thanks for calling. How can I help?

Hi, Emily. I was calling because my girlfriend, well, my long distance girlfriend, she's coming over for the first time to see me. We've seen each other before, but this is the first time she's coming here. So I just kind of wanted to see if you could give me any. I want it to be a romantic weekend and everything. I want it to be spicy. So I just wanted to see if you had any hints.

Oh, okay. Well, Carlos. So how long have you guys been seeing each other.

Other for about two years.

Oh, okay. It's great. And so what did you. I mean, I need some information here. So what did you have in mind? Like what. What has been something that. Have you ever done anything like this before? Plan something? Have you guys had a romantic night that sticks out in your head?

Yeah, I mean, going over with her. Yes. But this is the first time she's coming here. And, you know, I've taken notes, you know, obviously from the previous shows that I've listened to, making sure my place is clean, my beds are. My sheets are washed.

Yes.

Thing I've got the skin condoms. I got the muse lubrication, the moose. Whatever it's called.

Oh, my God, I love this. You got the flavored lube.

I'm taking the muse.

Yeah.

I'm taking notes here and there. So I just.

Okay. Wow. Well, you're doing so well, Carlos. We're all like smiling in here and like clap. We. We love you. You're doing it all. So I think having a plan, like, maybe something kind of like a surprise when you. Is she there for Friday? Saturday.

Sunday, yes, on Monday.

Okay, well, I think it might be really nice to pick her up and have it like take her to dinner somewhere that you. Here's the choices. You could do a dinner at your house. You could set up your place with candles and you get some really sexy finger foods. And you could make like a picnic in your living room and put down some soft blankets, some wine, and like get some of her favorite foods. You know, you could even just go to, you know, grocery store and get some things and put them all out in a tray and maybe like, honestly, I don't know that I believe in. Well, aphrodisiacs are. There are some truth to them, but like getting some figs or some. Some chocolate, some of the oysters, just some fun finger foods. Maybe you guys could Even feed each other. And you could play some of your favorite music and light candles, like I said, and just have a place that's kind of like a picnic in the house or one. And that. You could also do a. And then you could do some, you know, some fun, like massage or some, you know, blindfolding. You could do. Have some. Have you ever. Ever done anything like that? Maybe that's for Saturday night. Cause Friday night you could also. So you either have it come right to your house, and you could also, you know, plan a great dinner. But I think. Do you want some sex tips? Is that what you want? Some scenarios?

Yeah, just anything. I mean. Cause I. That. I mean, the picnic idea inside the house is a really good idea. I even think about that.

Okay.

But, yeah, I just want just any kind of tips that. I just really want this to be a great weekend. So.

Okay. Have you. Do you know which turns her on sexually? Have you guys had any talks about your fantasies or things she wants to try? She.

We haven't really talked much about it. I mean, previous. Before. I know she likes the slow burn. You know, she likes making out. You know, she likes me touching her.

Perfect.

She likes going slow at first, and I love that, too, so I have no issues with that.

Okay, so this is great. What I think you could do is I think when she comes in, you just make it about like you're gonna feed her, take her, you know, take her shoes off. Maybe she wants to take a bath when she lands. I don't know. You know, whatever she's into, so she's relaxed, have her favorite, and always have. This is going to sound super cliche, but I believe if you always have chocolate in your house and your refrigerator, have ice cream, have a chocolate bar in your freezer. I just love dessert. So having things like that, that's. Just always have that in your house, Carlos. But I think what you could also do that would be fun is if she likes the teas and the burn. Like, I think that you could get a blindfold or you could just use one. You could use a sock or a necktie, and you could say, like, I want. You could blindfold her and you could, like, feed her some of the food and, like, ask her, know what she's tasting and what she's feeling. And you could just also carry that over into later. I think something would be fun, is to massage her and blindfold her and kind of tease her and do some sort of, you know, sensation play. You could put, like, ice cubes and get some. I Mean, you've already bought so many things, but you know, a massage candle is really fun. Or just playing with different textures. Like even like, you know, a necklace or, you know, you could use a. What are some other pervertibles? Like feathers? Pervertibles are things we find around the home that can be used for sex.

Like a spatula.

A spatula. You could spank or clean spatula. And you could kind of tease her with those things. And I think blindfolds are awesome because when you take away one sense, everything else becomes really heightened. And it would be really hot if she had blindfold. And you could like take an ice cube sensation that you blow on it and you could play some games. Sex games.

Yeah. No, I like. I mean, that's our already a lot of help. So I'm good.

I got you.

I don't want to be boring. I didn't want to be normal.

Yeah, that's already. Any of those things would be awesome. But now you have to call me on Tuesday or Monday night after she leaves and let me know how it goes. That's it. That's all I ask you. Okay. Have fun. Okay. And go to our website. We have tons of stuff on our website just about this very thing. How to spice it up. Sensation play. You guys. SexWithemily.com is a. Is a treasure trove of information. We've got 14 years of blog posts on every question you've ever asked. So go to sexwithemily.com, search your question. It will be. I love that question.

I would love any person.

Right.

Even if it was a friend.

Next time you come over, I'm gonna blindfold you. Okay.

Feed me strawberries.

Yeah, but. Right. Isn't that kind of nice? You guys, what do you think about that?

I love that. I want Nick do that tonight.

Well, is there anything else, you guys? Anything been done to you that you've found hot or that you'd like someone to do to you? We've got some women in the room. Hmm.

I like going out. I love. Can they go out and then come back?

Well, that's why I was teasing. I don't know her well enough to know if she wants to have a nice reservation at restaurant when she gets there.

Right.

But maybe they haven't seen each other. Like get right to the sex.

That's true.

So Saturday night, have a dinner from.

My long distance relationship. I just wanted to see them right away.

Yeah. You're like, I don't want to sit through a restaurant.

I did not want to.

I Want to have sex.

But building the tension up is really sexy too.

Did he say he bought the moxie?

No, he said muse.

Muse. Okay. For some reason I thought because that would be fun to play with. It's a remote control panty vibe that they could take into the rest the of or anywhere. Yeah.

I love it.

I love sexy dating. I think that we just appreciate efforts, men and women, something different. We all crave novelty in something. You know, in relationships, no matter how long you've been together, trying just one thing different. Like that. Like a blindfold makes a huge difference.

Yeah.

I mean, I had my pre. My most recent ex do something nice as a surprise. It just kind of went wrong because I was not, like, wearing the proper attire for something.

Oh, right.

Cause I told him, I was like, really? If you surprised me. So we went and we, like, took those bird scooters and he's like, I know you've been wanting to ride those. And so we're like, like going to this bar that we always go to and to pick up food. And it was just gonna be like this really nice night. And I was like, I'm wearing sandals. I'm wearing a shirt that's gonna blow open in the wind. I was also taking a month off of drinking. I was just like, I appreciate the effort. It would have been great, but this is the best.

You didn't look at the details. Yeah. You have to know where read you.

But the thought that counts. It was nice. I appreciate it.

Yeah. Cause he wasn't planning.

Rate us, you guys, rate us. Review us. Wherever you listen to the show right now, look down whatever app you're using to listen. Give stars leave a comment on itunes. That totally helps us. We release three shows a week. Also sign up for our newsletter. We do give awesome newsletters. People love our newsletter, so check it out. And thank you everybody for listening to this show. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created. With 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals, it provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better Think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to dependent depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potentiometry, potency and performance. Go to qualialife. Com sexwithemily for 50% off. And here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I a life.com sexwithemily thanks for qualia for sponsoring this episode.