Totally Unwaxed w/ the Stallone Sisters

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People can actually improve upon kissing. And they might be kissing you like how they kissed their last girlfriend and their last girlfriend wanted a lot of tongue and sleep. Weird swirly things that you don't want. Oh.

Yeah, look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual sex.

Today I'm joined by hosts of the Unwaxed podcast, Sophia and Sistine Stallone. We talk about how to get the most out of dating apps, how to spot red flags, what to do after a bad first kiss. Cuz I happen. They also asked me for my top masturbation techniques if I believe porn watching is cheating. Also on the show my inbox I get so many questions from you either through Instagram, which is Sex with Emily, or you email me feedback sexwithemily.com and I was like, I want to get to all of you. I do. And just so you know, in 2021 we are working towards that. We will be able to get to so many more of you. But to help make sure I got tears, I thought it'd be fun to answer as many Questions I can during my new Rapid Fire segment, so I answered a bunch. I cover everything from prostate play to what to do when your partner takes too long to orgasm. So let me know what you think of that. All right. If you have any questions about sex or dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or message me on social media, which is Sex with Emily. Okay, Intentions with Emily for each episode, let's start off by setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? I do it for every show, and I thought you should do it too, because it helps you ground in this. So it could be. I want to get better at spotting red flags. My intention is to give you new tools for your dating toolkit. All right, Enjoy the show.

Sophia and Sistine Stallone. Hi, ladies. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having us on. Okay, so you just joined the podcast world.

Yes.

And your sister's doing a podcast and you're living together in a quarantine.

Well, what better time to start a podcast than a quarantine? You know, we're 247 on top of each other. Not like we couldn't live more close with each other. Now we're gonna work together. Yeah, it's great. It's going great.

This just keeps coming up, right? We've all been, like, quarantined, especially in la. We're not sneaking around much. Do you think people are secretly going on apps? Are people having sex? Like, what have you guys found?

Oh, I've been not secretly going on apps. I've been outwardly public with me going on apps right now. We really wanted to have a little quarantine boyfriend. That would have been nice.

And it's just not happening.

I don't know what it is about the dating apps, but. Or, you know, guys stay in la. I feel like a lot of guys are not super confident. Maybe it's just me, but we just. As much as guys always say they love a confident woman, we love a confident guy, too. And, like, no one makes the first move to message or slide in the DMs. If you match and I don't know why don't they?

Don't. Oh, God, you guys, it's not easy right now. Okay, so I know you boyfriends before, but your sex life. Yeah. What do you guys need? Because I know you said you listened to my podcast before. What's the sex like? What's going on?

Nothing. But I was Saying to Steve, I was like, the one thing I want to know from Emily is, like, the basics. I feel like everyone forgets. How do we flirt? How do we make the first move? Kissing tips, I feel like. Or how do we even initiate the kiss? Like, what do you do when someone's a horrible kisser?

That's a great question. No, let me tell you about that. We could start with kissing, because let me tell you this is that dating is a muscle. Flirting is a muscle. Sex is literally a muscle. And if we've gone months and months without that, it is awkward at first to be on a date. You're like, oh, I'm just used to being home with my sister in my sweats, and now I'm with a. How do you flirt again? So. So you know what's so funny? I always get that asked this, and I used to believe that if someone's a bad kisser, it was, like, grounds for dismissal. Cause you're like, well, clearly, that's what I do. Okay, let me give you another way to reframe this. People can actually improve upon kissing. And they might be kissing you, like, how they kissed their last girlfriend, and their last girlfriend wanted a lot of tongue and some weird swirly things that you don't want. Oh.

Yeah. So what you could say to them is, like, me show you. This is a little trick. Like. Like, I want to show you how I want to be kissed. And then show me how you want to be kissed. And then, like, if you get into a relationship with them, then you, like, work it out. And then couples are like, oh, it's like, dancing. And then it becomes, like, amalgamation of both your kisses. So it's a deal breaker. I like, shape not good kissers into good kissers. They're just nervous the first time. Yeah.

But. Okay, do you have any. Go to moves yourself? Like, is there any, like. Yeah. Like, is there any, like, sensitive spots? Or, like, do you have, like, a move that you always use? Like, guys, yeah, give me some new.

Like, I don't.

I need more.

I feel like I just don't have ammo.

God, we have so many erogenous zones on our body, and not just, like, the ones that you think about, like, our breasts and our, you know, penis vagina, but our. Our neck, like, the nape of our neck and our ears and our lips. So I think sometimes we get. Just get into the kiss, and you want to make sure it's fun to bite their lip and, like, blow in their ear and kiss their neck and use your hands right Kissing is about your hands. So you're not just getting into. Are you getting turned on?

You're making me miss. You're making me miss kissing right now. I haven't been with a guy in, like, mindset. Dang it.

Well, tell me then. I want to know from you guys, what was a bad kiss? What happened?

This guy was chewing on my lips like chewing gum. And I had. Remember, I came with. I had purple and blue. I was bruised. It looked like I got insane filler.

That's bizarre.

I don't know.

We just ate, so I was confused. It was terrible. Mine felt like he was blending a.

Smoothie in my mouth.

It was like.

Like the tongue was going, like, around him.

When you have to wipe your mouth after a kiss, I think that's a bad kiss. You know, it's like they forget that it should go into, like, a progression, like, tease a bit and then use the tongue and then go back to it.

Well, I love that you said that, because let me tell you this. The best. The best everything, whether you're going down on someone or you're kissing them, is the tease. You start slow. You. You kiss them, you pull away. You, like, kiss their ear. You, you know, bite a little bit. You don't, like, eat their lip. So you can also set the pace, too. If you find that someone it's okay to. To in your most seductive way, would just be like, hey. Like, hey, let's slow down. I want to enjoy this. I've been thinking about this. Or however you would say it in your language. And then I used to let the guy set the pace for everything, because I just. First off, I didn't know. I thought that that's what it was about. That if he had pleasure or I was following along, then it was like, I was a good partner. I was good in bed, everything. And then I realized that they don't know either. Like, the dudes don't know. And so they really don't. No. Right? They don't. Did you guys ever think that. Did you think that guys would just kind of know what made you feel good or that?

Totally. Because I feel like the biggest problem was, like, we didn't know what made us feel good ourselves. And so you put a lot of pressure on the guy to go out. They don't know you. You have to figure it out. Or like, how am I supposed to figure it out? I think you have to figure out yourself first before you can even ask. Yeah, but then. And then sometimes you're like, oh, they should have Known to tease, or they should have known to, you know, do foreplay and all this stuff. Things that you already know. So then you automatically judge them. Like a bad kiss?

Yeah. Okay, well, I'm telling you, they do not know. And not only don't the guys your age know, guys in their 30s and 40s and 50s, many of them do not know. I thought that you get out of the zone, you'd be like, okay, well, at least now you know someone knows in their 30s or they've been married for 10 years and.

Right.

Most people have never thought so.

How. Emily, I have a question. How do you drop a hint? I've done this with. With my ex before, and he didn't know how to do something, and I didn't know how to straight up just tell him what I wanted. So I put on a movie that actually, there was a scene that instructed exactly what to do with, like, Jason Sudeikis explaining it. How do you drop him without having to that.

Without having to, like, pull out the movie, you're like, wait a minute, I've got it. Come here. We're gonna play this movie. It's an art. Because a lot of times we just. We don't say anything, or we say it in a way that's, like, annoying. Like, could you just learn this already? Or why don't you ever go down to me? So the art to it is casually, when you're chilling and hanging out, when you're not in the bedroom. Because having a sex conversation in the bedroom most often doesn't work. Because when you're turned on and aroused or, like, if you have an erection, you're, like, not in your mind. You're, like, in another place. Because you literally have hormones and things that are raging. So you might be more enraged by something. You might interpret it differently. So when you're hanging out and it's casual and you're having a drink, you'd be like, oh, I wanna. I can't stop thinking, you know, again, in your own words. But the tone is casual and curious. So I was thinking about, you know, last night. You know, that was hot. When something was good, you have to name something good. Like when you. That was a hot makeout. Like, I love. We were so turned on when we were making out. Like, I was thinking about that this morning, and I've been figuring out my own body and what feels good. And I've been like, I have something that I've learned about my body, and I wanna show you. Here's what feels the best to Me. And again, it's like a compliment sandwich.

It's a sexual compliment sandwich.

This is what I always say. It's the sexual compliment sandwich. So you say to them, here's a good thing. Here's something I love, here's what I need. Like, here's what would be great. And then you wrap it up with, yeah, and so I think it'd be really hot and I'd love you. Tell me, what do you want? Like, I want to learn from you. Right.

Right.

Now, this is also something that we have to practice because you probably haven't had those kind of conversations with any guys you've dated. Most people haven't.

I think I just get too, too nervous. I'm pretty vocal about it. The difference is Sophia has long term relationships, whereas mine are like one month to three months. And then they just, you know, never really stick well because they're not that good.

It's harder in shorter term relationships. I mean, it shouldn't be. My goal is that like having sex with someone. Talk about it, be that. Be the woman that teaches them that this is what it's all about. Because there's like a movement now and I, we should lead with the pleasure because the. I'm telling you, they've been watching porn. There's no conversations about what people are into. It's made by men for men. And that's how most guys in your generation have learned about sex. So no woman's ever talked to him about it, I guarantee it. And then we're. You're afraid about it because you're like, I don't want to. I've never seen this before. So if you start with like, this is how it's done, like, she comes first. This is what I need, this is what I like. And you do it earlier, even with the guys that you're like, I don't know if I'm really that into them. Practice. You know, they always say, take every job interview. Even if you don't want the jobs, you can practice. Practice makes perfect. Yeah, exactly.

Just tell them you're a job interview. I'm just trying to get to the bigger picture.

Exactly. Practice talking about your sex life. But I really feel like we get all these calls from people all ages who are like, how do I ask for what I want? What do I do about toys? I want to ask you guys that, what is toys like with your age group, your generation? Are people like using toys? Are they into it?

It's so interesting because most of my friends don't and they Don't. I mean, I'm still shy about it. Like, I still don't even know what I'm doing, really. But all of them say, all my girlfriends, absolutely not. We don't touch a vibrator. It freaks them out. They say it's intimidating.

Yeah.

None of my friends use it. And I actually started in the beginning before even, like, considering using it. I would buy it for all my girlfriends as gifts for their birthdays or Christmas or just something just because. And I would say, oh, it's a gag gift, like, as a joke. But really, they all end up texting me, like two months later going, thank you so much. It was sitting in my corner and I just kept having it to stare at me. And it's kind of funny now. All my girlfriends use it.

Do you talk to your friends about masturbation? Like, do you guys have orgasms? Do you have pleasure? Yeah.

Well, it's so strange. I think it's just my girlfriends are very uncomfortable about talking about it. And it's weird cause I'm an open book with them. But I'm not gonna spill all my beans if they're just gonna sit there in sile. But it's funny. I'll just bring up a thing. I'll be like, oh, yeah, like, when was the last time, like, you had sex? Like a general thing.

Right.

It becomes like the topic of conversation over dinner for like hours and hours. And everyone loves to contribute. And it's. I think that was like the factor that really made Sistine. I open about talking about it, especially with each other, was having one another.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Some people still think it's really awkward to talk to your sisters about it or even your family. But I think that we are. Having said, there's really no sex education in schools right now. And mostly does have sex education. It's like, don't get pregnant good. Don't get an std. But we never talk about pleasure and your clitoris and your body parts. None of that. Nothing. So what about, like, what about you have a younger sister too? Help her?

Yeah, I mean, we try. We always try to do it. What we kind of learned at that moment, like what we felt like she needed to know at the time when she ever has conversations that she wants to bring up to us or, like, topics or more than happy to explain it to you. But she's lucky she's got two sisters. I'm the oldest. I had to figure it out on my own. I have no idea what I'm doing.

There's still stuff to figure out. You know, I think you're never really done with it. You're never done learning. If people choose to be on a journey to understand their bodies and what makes them feel good. Because that's what I want. That's what I want for you. And I want that for all humans and definitely, like, women in their 20s, that it's the time. I wish I knew. So how can I help you? I know you're not having sex now, but this is a great time to prepare for it when it happens. Because it's gonna happen, right? Yeah.

I find it hard to sort of get in the mood when I don't have a significant other with me. What are some ways to sort of.

Like, jumpstart that engine, make time for it and say, you know, you make time to, like, work out or to meditate. It's like, this is my time. I'm gonna have my own space. I know you guys live together, but maybe you could each go into your separate rooms and have time.

But.

But you.

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, like, you need to.

This one, like, Sophia, I need. I need my time. You need to leave the room. I die.

This is what I'm saying. It's hard because you're like people. My parents come home or my sisters or my. My roommate. But what gets me in the mood mostly is when I'm. I work a lot. I know you guys. I was listening to your show too. Like, you're workaholics. You work hard. You're anxiety. People are having anxiety more than ever now. When we're anxious and stressed and busy, we're not going to get turned on. So it's almost like keeping sex top of mind. We have to keep our own pilot light lit. So making the intention that, like, I'm going to make my sex practice part of my, like, practice. Because the more you get to know your body and all that, you're going to. You're going to just be more in the mood for sex. The more you masturbate, the more orgasms you have. You're also learning about your own body. So for me, I just start to, like, I have my toys out, right? Like, if my toys out of my nightstand, like, I'm thinking about it, right? I also make sure that I, like, I have a steam shower, right? And that's been a game changer. And I never used to have time to use my steam shower because I was working all the time. But now I'm like. And you might have A bath. For many women, that's it. And it's not just people think you take a bath and it's like, oh, it's self care. No, it actually calms your nervous system. Like if you're anxious and stressed, you get into a warm bath, even for 10 minutes, you're like, ah. And then you're in there and you're breathing. Because it's our breath that keeps us from not being connected. And I go in now and I know it's like part of it. Like, I go in the shower, I breathe, I come out, and I'll just like listen to like an audio erotica app. There's these really cool. Because for me, I'm not a huge fan of some porn. I am, but I was gonna say, yeah, ethical porn. Like, I love Erica. Lust makes porn that's by women, foreign women. So a lot of porn is like made by men from the male gaze. And it's not actually anything that turns us on. So I don't know, like, it's really just like thinking thoughts that turn you on. And then just start to experiment. Touch yourself. Like, use lube. Lube is like a game changer because lube is not only like, it gets you in the mood. Cause it's slippery and it feels good. You start to rub it on yourself. The friction, like on your clitoris. That'll get it going. And use a toy and just start breathing and give yourself time. It's a multisensory experience. Like planning a date for yourself. Lighting your favorite vanilla candle. Like so your senses are going. Your favorite playlist.

So you need to sort of get all of your ducks in a line. And then. Okay, then the magic happens. I have a lot of porn related questions. Because you robbed porn. Okay, I guess I'll start with the first one. A lot of my girlfriends don't let their boyfriends watch porn because they consider it cheating. Which I think is bananas. Like, I think that's insane because this girl on the screen looks nothing like you. I mean, do you. What do you think about that?

Yeah, Well, I think that it's really common that a lot of women think that. I love that you're bringing it up because, listen, people are going to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship. It's the most natural thing in the world for. For we all accept men watching porn. And I understand that, but just because I understand the jealousy. Because for a lot of women it's like, oh, I. I assume that I want to look like that. He wants me to look like this girl in porn, right? And I don't. But I just say, take all that energy of obsessing that it's cheating and go back to, like, well, you deserve pleasure as well. You go home and get your masturbation on or go find out what turns you on. But it's not cheating. It's a release. Men do it in relationships. They do it out of relationships. And that's why I said my revolution that we're all starting here, the pleasure revolution, that women. The more that we could just stop worrying about that and understand that it's a release, it's pleasure. You're understanding yourself.

It's just a feeling. Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. I have another question for you.

Yes, I got another one.

I got a bag full of tricks here. Most of my girlfriends, and I know Sofia can attest to this, don't enjoy male female porn. They're all straight females. But they do enjoy.

Two women.

Lesbian porn. Yes.

Why is this such a popular thing amongst straight women?

Yeah, it's really. I would say that's the most common type of porn for women. It's because it's about our pleasure. It's with a partner who knows your body. So you're watching a woman in ecstasy being pleased by another woman. That's what we all want. Not necessarily the woman, but we want a part. If you're with a man, we want them to be, like, ravishing us and into us and know what we want. And we don't have to be awkward or weird and, like, ask for it. They just. I think it's beautiful. We all kind of agree that women's bodies many. You know, it's amazing to watch, but it's relatable. It's not threatening. We don't have to be like, it's another job. I should be giving a blow job right now. So it's this. Receiving an ecstasy. Yeah.

Right?

I mean, that's. Oh, that's interesting. Okay.

I never thought about it that way.

That's. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. They would always bring that up to.

Us and we're like, oh, okay. Like, that makes sense now. That makes sense.

Is that what you guys.

I don't watch. I don't watch porn. It's just. It's too. I don't know. I just don't. It doesn't do it for me. It doesn't do it for me. Maybe I haven't explored anything. I think I need to explore more options.

Yes. Try this and Jane app. There's also one called Triquin Q U. I N N. And you go to these app. It's actually try Quinn isn't an app yet and Jane is an app. And it's like they have like woman on woman scenes. They have women and they're like reading like a 10 minute story or there's like a guy reading a story and you just are listening because I don't know why you. Stories.

How does that work with stories? What is. How does that work?

You listen to like. So be like, oh, so I. I came home from work and I was waiting for my boyfriend to come over, and then, you know, I just took a bath and I got out of the shower and he came in and I was so, you know, he came in and he just said, you know, lay down. I want to give you a massage. And, you know, you just hear them tell a story like that, like an erotic story.

So you use your imagination.

Yeah. And you just lay back because I think it's really sexy to hear someone else just talk about that. Also gets me in the mood. You guys, thank you for being here. Sophia and Sistine Stallone, where they can they find you? Everybody tell them.

Sophia Stallone at Sistine Stallone on Instagram. On Instagram, Twitter, all the platforms. Wax podcast. Emily, thank you so much for having us on.

Thank you for being here. I adore you guys and I'll see you on your show soon. Stick around. After the break, I talk to Sherry, whose partner takes a long time to reach orgasm.

Let's talk to Sherry, 58, in California. Hi, Sherry. What's going on?

Hi. Yeah, Hi, Emily.

Hi.

I started dating someone recently, like in July, and we've had sex, you know, a few times. But when he first started, he couldn't have an orgasm. He said, well, he hasn't had sex for a while, so maybe that's the reason. Right. So we keep trying and he still hasn't. And I'm, you know, giving him like, blow jobs like crazy, and nothing's happening. He won't give me any feedback about what I'm doing wrong. I never experienced this with anyone else, so I know it's not my technique.

Yep.

At least normally. Okay.

Yeah.

Well, you got to tell me what I'm doing. I'm. I'm down here for like a half an hour, 45 minutes, and like, it's like, it's quiet as a church mouth. It's like.

It's a grind. It's a grind. Sherry. It sounds to me like he's a delayed ejaculator. That's why the blowjob gets a bad name, gets a bad rap, because you're like, this is a fucking job, Sherry. I bet you he's a delayed ejaculator. And that means that that's a condition that men. If it's like premature ejaculation, this is the other side of it where you actually. And it's for men who last. Typically, I don't like to put time around it, but it is about 30 minutes to an hour. They. They just really cannot ejaculate. And delayed ejaculation, there's a lot of different causes for it. We don't know exactly a lot of things. It's mental. It. It could be something physical, but it's actually one of these conditions and it's very common for men. Actually, I hear about delayed ejaculation. Yeah, it's pretty common. I was with a guy once too, Sherry. Same thing. And. And I was like, what is the problem? I'm really good at oral. I. I know what I'm doing. This is. There am I not. What happened? And I come to find out that, like, this was something that he's like, oh, no, it happens. Whatever. And then my friend happened to have dated. Just remembering this now. My friend had dated him like two years earlier. And one time I was like, what's the deal with Bob? I'll call him Bob. And she was like, oh, my God, he never comes. But see, we did. But that's what it is. So, Sherry, I would. Yes. So I would say to him, so is this something that's, you know, I'm curious. So tell me, has this been something that happens to you often? Because it's really. Sherry, we all worry when our partner has an orgasm, it's our fault. And typically it's not unless you're actively not trying, you know, to satisfy your.

No, I'm trying.

Okay, I hear you, girl. I hear you. I'm exhausted for you. 45 minute blowjob, you got a nap, you know, you need to take the day off work. It's a lot, A lot. So, I mean, Sherry, this is that.

He said it's happened before, but, like, we've been trying this for like a couple of months now and nothing has happened. Not on an everyday basis, but, you know, once or twice a week or whatever, you know, on a regular basis, and nothing's happened.

Does he orgasm during. During intercourse, during penetration?

No. No.

Oh, none of it. You haven't seen a drop?

No, not. He's not with me. He told me, he says he is masturbating. His orgasm during masturbation, but not that.

Well, it could be. Also.

It's not my fault.

It's not your fault, Sherry, I am telling you, you have the doctor's certified. It's not your fault. Seal of approval here. It's not your fault. Has nothing to do with you. He's a delayed ejaculator. Now, you could, if you're into this guy, try a vibrator on his penis. Try. Maybe if he's into prostate play, you know, get a cock ring that vibrates.

Tell me that. I asked him, like, what do you fantasize about? Like, we can try. I'm pretty open. Like, I'm willing to try anything, you know, and he won't even tell me. He said, what am I going to do to you?

Yeah, I know. I think that he doesn't have the experience. I know. Well, you know, Sherry, this is what I'm here. This is why I have a job. Most people have never talked about it. Whether you're 58 or 18, nobody ever talks about it. So he's probably. And I'm going to be honest, is he in his 50s as well? He's probably had this for his lifetime. And I would. I'm going to imagine 51. Yeah. I'm going to imagine that he's never talked about it to anybody and that it's always been a source of shame for him. And he doesn't know what he likes because he hasn't maybe had healthy sex relationships because it's always so much stress for him because he can't come.

Well, I know he's. He's has. He has two children, so he's obviously, he's come twice.

He's definitely ejaculated twice. I don't mean that, but I mean, like, he. I mean, yes. I mean, he's probably has. I don't mean that he's never come, but I think that this problem maybe since his divorce or since he's been with someone, or maybe his wife was used to it. Maybe it. It was onset when in his 30s or 40s. But it is an issue. I mean, it could also be like other health problems. He could be taking medication right now. That could impact it. There are some things that could impact impacted. Like if he's on an antidepressant, I would get more information.

This is like we never. He's never ejaculated. We've been together. We've been together. I know. At least has sex at least. At least 10 or 15 times, maybe.

Oh, that's A lot of times. That's a lot. How about for you? Are you having orgasm? Are you having orgasms and pleasure?

Yeah, he'll go down on me and very loving and, you know, attentive. But like, I feel like I'm at times like I'm wasting my time. I don't want to say wasting my time, but I'm not doing, I'm not using my time productively.

Well, don't. Yes. The 45 minute blowjob to somebody who does not ejaculate from oral. I would say also not efficient. However. Is he having a good time?

I don't. I'm not really sure because he's not verbal. Let me tell you, when we do have sex, he's so quiet.

That is so hard. I hate when someone does. Yeah, that's tough.

Okay, well, we have. Now we have a whole. We have some things to discuss the next time you see them. You could say, I want to talk about.

Discuss it with him. Yeah, I don't have any, I don't do any clues, you know, non verbal clues that you got to tell them.

You got to say. Right.

Yeah. I've asked him, well, tell me what to do. Tell me how you like it, what you want. And he's going to be a little bit, but it's not like enough. And he. I can't pull it out of him. I'm trying to pull it out and. But I don't want to make him feel bad either, you know?

Yeah. I think that another way to approach it would to say, hey, when you guys are hanging out and it's casual and you're having dinner. Not when you're in the bedroom. Remember, timing, turf and tone. Not in the bedroom, outside the bedroom. Very casual. Say, you know, I've been thinking about our, our sex life and I, and I want you to know it's all good. I know that you don't, you're. If you don't ejaculate, it's still a good time for you, but I just have some more questions for you because I can't help get out of my head that there's something that there's something else I could be doing and I would just love to know more about this because if you tell me that it's totally. That I'm not maybe. Because you could say, maybe you're feeling like I'm pressuring you. But if you actually are telling me that it's. Let me know if there's something else I could be doing. And if not, I'm just gonna assume that we're good. Make it casual. Like, just say, let me know. Maybe he's nervous the way you brought it up. Cause it makes him feel more anxious that he's. Because he probably knows that he disappoints women when he has an orgasm. So let's just say the next case scenario is that he says to you, yeah, you know what? I actually gotta be honest with you. This has been the case for many, many years. And I actually just love watching you come. It still feels amazing to me. I'm not as attached to ejaculation. I love this relationship. Then could you just say, let it go, maybe? And be like, okay, he's not gonna come, but I am, and it's fine. It gets a kind of rewind.

I mean, you're right.

I want.

Yeah, okay.

But if you can make peace with it and you get more information that this is just where he's at at this point in his life. And you could still be with him, knowing that that's just gonna have to be the next decision. But let's get some more information from him, get a little bit more details, and then decide. But it's gonna be a new thing, you know, you're gonna have to think about. Yeah, let me know. I'll be here. Talk to him. Can't wait to hear what happens. Thank you. Bye. Sheri. Let's talk to Mary Kate, 24, in San Francisco. Hi, Mary Kate. Thanks for calling.

Hi. Hi, Emily.

Hi. Great.

Great to be heard. I definitely wanted your input on something. So I just recently moved to San Francisco from Southern Illinois. And due to moving, I broke up with my boyfriend. So my issue is I'm trying to, like, be young and fun. I'm 24. I'm trying to get back into the dating world, and it feels so forced. And when it comes to, like, any sexual attraction, these guys that I talked to, they're, like, nice and they're cool. But the only time I've felt sexual gratification is, like, when I'm thinking about my ex.

Yeah, Mary Kate. Well, that sounds like exactly the condition that happens when you're used to being with one person for a long time. And now you're in a new city and you're in a new place. So everything's exciting and new. But yet you have that. It's like. It's intimacy, it's familiarity. It's so. That's not so much that you have to be with your ex again. It's more like having new experiences. And I Think you're doing all the things that you need to do. It's just gonna take a matter of meeting somebody else to replace that thought. But also, it's like your conditional. Like, how long were you with your ex boyfriend?

So I. We had kind of a complicated relationship, but I was also only with him for about, you know, the starting, the end of last year. So this is about the time we got together. And it was honestly my first. My first, like, real relationship. And I definitely felt, like, that intimacy with him. And, you know, I meet guys out here. They're nice. We get along really well. I have great conversations. I even tried to date a guy for about three months, but he even noticed, like, he was like, you're not into pda. You're so standoffish. And it's because I really just can't picture or, like, get myself to sexually desire anybody else.

Okay. And are you still talking to your ex? Is he still present in your life?

So we kind of chat off and on. We kind of move. Well, I mean, we broke up due to me moving.

Okay.

So we still are, like, friends, and we've tried to move it into kind of a friend relationship. So we still talk on and off sometimes, but I probably haven't spoken to him in the last couple of weeks.

Okay.

Because I think the sooner you can get away from that. I get that he's a comfort, you know, to you, but I think it's really hard to move on when you're still talking to your ex. But I would also say give it time. I mean, you just. When did you move there? You just moved a few months ago during a pandemic.

Yeah. Yeah, I just moved at the end of July, kind of on, you know, on a whim. I never lived in the city before, but. Some recommendations for some good friends. It just seemed like I needed a change. So.

What a great place, though. I mean, I. First off, I mean, you sound like me, because I. I moved there when I was 22 from Michigan, and I didn't know anybody, and I moved there in September. Yeah, that was my place. And it was so exciting. But it took me a while to find my people, to find a boyfriend, to find. I had a boyfriend from college I was still talking to. And so I think it's a process. So it's like having patience with yourself and knowing that it's not a problem. It's just sort of a condition you have. He's the last person you associated with intimacy and romance, and you probably felt safe with him. So now you're with someone new and you're thinking, well, I don't want to hold your hand. I barely know this hand. And so you, you don't have the emotional connection yet. And I promise you, Mary Kate, it is going to happen. Like, if I thought of myself with that college boyfriend still, like, God, are we different people, but we tend to get just attached to what we have in the past. So the other thing I would say that would be helpful in the meantime is first take the pressure off yourself. I love that you're dating. I love that you're just going out there and meeting people. But it's okay if you're not feeling that yet. But also I want to. How's your own intimacy game? Are you giving yourself some self love? Are you masturbating? Are you having other. Are you, are you in a sexual place at all with yourself? Because then you're also linking that up to the ex. He has that power over you.

Yes. And that's definitely something I've kind of come across when it comes to like my own personal pleasure and things like that. I really can't focus on anything because I mean, like, I was in the game, I was dating other people. I was like casually dating and casually having sex, you know, like when I was younger in college. And then this was my first real relationship. So I've definitely had that. But I have no desire really to hook up with anybody. And I even like sexually myself. I'm either like not interested, not interested in masturbation, or it is all mentally focused on him or memories with him.

But see, Jeff, this is exactly. You're 24 years old. Your experience is with sexual. Just a little bit limited right now. That's what you've had. And it's a. You know, I had my greatest first love, you know, when I moved to San Francisco at 20, you know, 23. I think we met, like we get linked. It's a new experience. Experience. So it can be even more powerful the, the relationships we have in our, you know, earlier, like in our 20s. So I, I think for you then I'm going to give you an assignment because it's kind of like with, with masturbation and it's, it's a new practice as well. But the more you can just do it and be more mindful of it and pay attention to like what you're feeling in the moment. You could think about how it, like explore your body with your fingers using a toy and like, really if you focus on your breath and what it feels like to touch yourself, you can kind of stay focused in that moment. If your mind starts wandering to your ex, you could just try to bring it back to sensations because that's what's going to allow you to figure out what feels good to you. Turn yourself on. And it's kind of. I hate to say that masturbation becomes like a. Like exercising, but it is. Because I don't know if you work out, but sometimes it's really easy and sometimes when you take a break, it's not. But once you start doing again, you always feel better after. The same thing goes for masturbation. So like a mindful masturbation practice where you're just like, okay, Emily says, do this. I want to keep going. And then have an orgasm and feel that in your body and like, start to focus on that and not beat yourself up if you're thinking about your boyfriend. But maybe you could even replace it with someone you went on a date with that you weren't that into. See, that's the thing. It's that you can't picture the intimate. You might have liked one of these guys, or maybe you could have, but it was not familiar. So could you try to just. If you keep going towards your boyfriend, maybe just picture one of these guys that you're not going to be with a. Picture their face instead. Or a celebrity crush. This is. You have my permission to do this just to replace it. So your intimacy and your sex life isn't tied to the ex still. And again, you still might be. We all. It still might be for a little bit. Because I know when I'm in a good practice, I'm walking around, I'm feeling much more turned on, much more sexual. But when I go weeks without masturbating and touching my. I'm like, oh, God, I'm dead inside. I don't. I don't want to do it. I'm tired, you know, so it's just. I'm just reminding you of little steps you could take and then also not be hard on yourself because he's someone you loved and it only ended because you moved. So it's not like he was an asshole or anything.

It's harder to hate the nice ones. But, yeah, I think. I think that would definitely be something I could kind of try, you know, move things from ex boyfriend to more so. Like George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

Exactly. Brad Pitt. George Clooney. Works every time. Sure.

Okay. Well, yeah, definitely think I'll, you know, maybe focus on myself a little bit more and Being more in charge of, like, my pleasure as opposed to, like, thinking about somebody who used to be in charge of this for me.

Exactly. That's it. And then you're going to feel it when you're with someone new. You're going to know, you're going to feel like, oh, hello, body. Like you're already going to be in your groove. And then it'll be, you'll be more open, your sexual energy will be more open to actually find the person that you're attracted to who gets lucky enough to be with you.

That's.

We have some stuff. It's true. It's. I mean it. Mary Kate, you in San Francisco. I wish I could go back and live that right now. It's a wonderful city to move to. And so I would also say we've got a lot of great stuff@sexwithemily.com like, you know, beginner masturbation or mindful masturbation practices just to give you a. Just to give you a little push. So let me know how it goes.

Oh, my God. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Always been a big fan of you. So finally I got to call in and speak with you. So thank you so much.

Call anytime. Yeah, I'll be here for you, Mary Kate. I'll be thinking about you there. Thanks for calling. Appreciate you. Have a great night. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, but stay tuned. I'll be answering rapid fire questions from Instagram.

Super excited to talk to Deborah, 56, in Massachusetts. Hi, Deborah, thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. How are you doing?

I'm so doing well. I'm excited for your call. Tell me everything. How can I help?

Well, my husband and I, Bob. And he's here with me. We have you on speaker. I have been listening to you for the last couple of years. We've been together for 33 years and married for 31. And we're experimenting with some of the things you've suggested. Right now I'm interested in exploring prostate play, and we haven't done any of that. And I'm wondering if you can make some suggestions on how to get. Get started.

Yes. Such a great question. Now, wait, you're interested? Deborah, is Bob interested?

Yes, he is.

Okay. I love when you guys are calling in together. So what we're talking about is the prostate. Just for everyone listening. Men have a prostate inside of them and the anus. I'm sure you all know this, but it can also give you intense pleasure. And there's a lot of stigma around It, Right. You've heard like, oh, does it mean that I'm gay? Or it's only for exiting? No, it just means you have a part of your body that can feel amazing when you stimulate it. So a great way to start is just to start with some external. Have you ever done any external touching, Deborah, like with your finger and some lube just externally, just so you can get used to what it feels like to have some stimulation?

Well, we've done some of that and we've got some, we've got some anal plugs that we played with.

Great.

I don't have long nails, but I have short nails. And he worries about my fingernails.

Yeah, that's a thing. I mean, you could wear a glove. I mean, the thing is the nails, it's very thin tissue internally. And so you can, you know, if you have, even if you've short nails, it could still, you know, they have to be really short. I always tell people, like before you're gonna do it if you, if you're, you know, for, for men, trim your nails, make sure that they're clean, all that stuff. But if you even have a little bit of nail, you know, you could also put cotton. If they're short, they're okay. But you could also put little cotton balls at the end of gloves too, like if they're little, for people with longer nails, so the nails don't poke through.

Yeah, that's cool.

So I recommend that, you know, use a glove and then really you just. Now, do you want to start with your fingers or do you want to use a toy? Deborah? Bob, what are you thinking?

Well, actually, we ordered a toy. It hasn't arrived yet.

Okay.

We used. What's her store? We've used your store.

Oh, Good Vibrations. On my website.

We went through Good Vibrations and.

We ordered a toy, but it hasn't arrived yet.

Okay, perfect. So let's get you started then. So what you do is you insert a finger. You know, it could be your middle finger or a finger finger, the pointer finger. You just want to make sure that, you know that, that Bob's relaxed and he's laying on his back. And then you just, you insert a finger. You know, you go slowly inside and you want to use your finger in like a come hither motion towards the belly button. Much like how you would stimulate the G spot internally. So it's just sort of. And then when you're doing that, you'll find this spot and it's like a rough area, kind of like a peach pit. And then you Just. You just want to start to tap it. It with a finger. Like it's a tapping. Okay. And then Bob's gonna be giving you feedback about, you know, how it feels. And it's really just. It's like a tapping or it's applying pressure with a finger. Like, you're just sort of, you know, you could try going faster or a little bit slower, but it's. It's kind of different for everybody. So you're using the, you know, it's a stroke, too. So you're not poking. I'm trying. I haven't described this in a while. So you're stroking it. Right. So once you find it with that come. Heather motion, it's like a really slow come hither. A slow, steady, rhythmic come hither where you're applying pressure.

Okay.

And then you go slow. And you could go slow or a little bit lighter, you know, following Bob's. His response and how he's feeling. And then you could also try a, you know, a tapping. The tapping, like I said. And then just see, you know, how that goes. And you want to make sure that, you know, you can also circle around with your finger. Much like how we all. I tell everyone to kind of figure out their G spot. We'd spend a lot of time talking about internal pleasure, or the G area, as I call it, and then just go.

Yeah, we spend a lot of time on that. We just.

Exactly, Deborah. Right. This is the same kind of thing. Like it didn't, you know, the first time you were with Bob. Deborah. I don't know if he just kind of found your spot. So it takes a little bit of time. He did. That's why you've been together for so long.

I love it.

So really, just like a constant pressure, your fingers inside, and then you just want to kind of take it out slowly so you're not going in and out. I think that's another misperception that you're pulling your finger out and putting it back in. I mean, unless he, you know, he's into it. But I think it's more of a, you know, a come hither, a gentle little rubbing.

Okay, well, you know what?

Was that helpful?

Right?

That makes sense.

Okay.

You want to make sure that you just are sticking to one thing.

There's no place to get advice to get started. So I really appreciate this.

Of course I'm here for you. Will you guys let me know how it goes?

You know what? We will.

Okay. I love it. I'll be here. Thank you. It was lovely. Talk to you guys, I love getting you off on this mission here.

Emily, you're so welcome.

Have a great night. Bye, Deborah, thanks for calling. And of course, you need to use a lot of lube and reapply as needed. And by the way, a lot of you took our survey. Thank you. But what I found in it was that a lot of you aren't using lube and you just, you gotta use lube. All right, should we do a little bit of rapid fire? We get a lot of emails from you guys. A lot of dms you slide into my DMS on Instagram, which is Sex with Emily. And I just want to be able to answer all of them. So let's try to answer some right now before we end the show for the night. Rapid fire with Dr. Emily. All right, Heather on Instagram. Recovering sex drive. I've lost my sex drive. How do I get it back? We never lose our sex drive. Sometimes it just takes a little break. I think that, you know, when our brain's on board for sex, our body will follow. The best way to get it back is to start pleasing yourself. Thinking about things that arise you arouse you the more or get, you know, sex begets sex. The more orgasms you have, the more you'll baby desire sex. All right. Are twitching, spasm, twitching, spazzing orgasms realistic? My boyfriend is surprised when mine are less theatrical. Our orgasms are different all the time. But yes, it's your pelvic floor muscles that contract when you have an orgasm and sometimes they make you twitch. They make your legs twitch and it's all good. Just tell your boyfriend to sometimes it does and as it doesn't. Leah, Instagram anal for beginners advice for first time anal sex. Go slow, breathe and use a ton of lube and start with a finger. How do I help my partner become more adventurous? Since this is rapid fire, I'm going to tell you quickly. Do the yes, no, maybe list@sexwithemily.com look for the yes, no, maybe list and it's a great exercise for couples to see all the things that are possible. And maybe you'll find she's already a little more adventurous than you think. Okay. Mismatched libidos. If you're not sexually this is a. If you're not sexually compatible with your boyfriend. My sex drive is hot. Every relationship has a couple people that are mismatched libidos. High desire, low desire partners. That happens. Keep talking to your boyfriend and figure out when are you guys both going to be, you know, how much Sex is enough. Schedule sex certain times a day, all the things, but keep talking about it. Okay? All right. How do you tell a potential partner that you're a 29 male, a 29 year old male virgin? All right. I would tell them, as soon as you think they're going to be a sex partner, I would say, you know what? What? I have not had sex yet. It's. It's something that I, I really think that I would love to have sex with you. Or I'm feeling like we're heading in that direction. But remember, it's nothing to apologize about, nothing to be shameful about. It's like we all lose our virginities when the time is right. So I think that if you're with a trusting, honest, loving, supportive partner, then they're going to be okay with it and you're going to know if you are. If they say something that makes you feel bad, get out of that relationship. What's the best toy to start off with a partner without experience in toy play? I say the We Vibe chorus. It is a couple's toy that you can insert during penetrative sex. It stimulates internal clitoral nerves, external clitoral nerves, and it feels great on the penis, too. All right. I can't orgasm without doing it myself. I can't do it during sex at all. Any tips?

You know, that's the case for a lot of women. I would recommend that you do mutual masturbation with your partner because if they're there, you're going to figure out he can see what turns you on. You see what turns him on, and he's going to see how you touch yourself. So then he'll be able to touch you and move in that way. All right, thanks everybody. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up at sex with emily.com and don't forget to check out our vlogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwith emily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me Triple 894 stars. That's Triple 894-78277. Get a free 30 day trial at sex with emily.comsxl you can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com Emily Morse was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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