Touch Me, Please

We need touch.

We need it for our development. We need it for our emotional, physical health. Especially if you're social distancing together, you know, there is the power of the 20-second hug. The longer that you hug someone and hold on to them, the more physical benefits we're going to have. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes. They call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's show, we're answering your questions. We've got your calls and your emails, and I've been hearing so many of you, so I just wanted to get into it. Some questions we're answering is how do you get back out there and date when you're newly sober, how to bring the excitement back into a sexless relationship, and how to introduce new techniques and toys into the bedroom. Oh, but first I'm going to tell you about what I've missed the most during COVID the last year and give tips how we could get more in touch with ourselves and our relationships. All right. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, let's start off by setting an intention. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to the episode? How could this episode truly help you? I do it for every show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to prepare you to enter into healthy relationships in this new world and also how to get rid of the people and situations that no longer serve you. All right, everyone, enjoy the show. Before I get into your questions, it's been a year since lockdown started. And so I've been spending time thinking about what I've missed and how I'm going to show up in this very changed world. Specifically how it relates to human interaction. So there's a few things that I've been thinking about that are helping me prepare for it. I have a sense they're going to benefit you as well, whether you're in a relationship with someone or yourself. So the first thing that comes up for me is the concept of touch. So when I think about what I've truly missed is the ability to touch and hug other people. I mean, physical touch is my love language. Maybe it's yours too. And being deprived of it has probably been the hardest thing. I miss hugging my friends. I miss hugging people, touching people. I'm very touchy, even with my friends. You know, we sit close to each other and we're touching less, but it's not only because of COVID You know, social media has been so detrimental to touch since we started spending more time on our phones. That is distancing us from other people, being physical with other people. I mean, you used to always see people touching and hugging and hanging out together, but now we're, our hands are on our phones. We're walking, we are holding our phones. So we've already been distanced before this, but then you throw COVID on top of it and there's something called skin hunger, which is essentially, that's a real condition and that's a deprivation of touch. We need touch. We need it for our development. We need it for our emotional, physical health. And so how do you know if you're touch-starved? How do you know if there's skin hunger? Maybe you're feeling more depressed or anxious or you're stressed. Are you just feeling less satisfied in your relationship? You're not sleeping well. I mean, now I know right now it's hard to tell cuz a lot of us have been feeling anxious and stressed, but those are some signs. I always remember hearing this study about in the mid-'90s, there were these scientists that traveled to Romania to examine sensory deprivation of children in understaffed orphanages and the touch deprived children they found had strikingly lower cortisol and growth development levels. For their age group. So what does that mean? There were a bunch of kids in a space with only a few adults. They weren't getting their fair share of touch. They were getting nutrition, but there's other things happening. And that is an extreme example, but there's some other studies I can cite. They were looking at preschoolers on playgrounds and they went to Paris and they went to Miami, and the kids in Paris were getting touched more by their parents on the playground than the kids in Miami. The kids in Paris, they found, were less aggressive with each other than in Miami. And they found that when the kids were touching and hugging each other, they were less aggressive, both verbally and physically. So I just find the science of touch really interesting. If you've been thinking, well, yeah, I want to get more touch. I mean, right now it might be safe to book a massage, go to a hair salon and get an extra scalp massage. I love doing that. I mean, this is why I try to book a massage at least once a month. You know, get your nails done, ask for the extra, you know, the extra touch. And how do you get more touch from loved ones? So maybe you've been feeling this in your relationship. You can sit closer to them. You can hug them, especially if you're social distancing together in the same pod. You know, there is the power of the 20-second hug. The longer that you hug someone and hold onto them, the more physical benefits we're going to have. And I think whenever you can, whenever it's appropriate, If you touch someone, it'll encourage them to touch you back. You could also dance. I mean, put on your favorite music, stream a dance class. I mean, dance church, that's a thing that's been going on and it feels so good to release. Spend time with animals. Also, you guys, you know, when you do yoga and other exercises, they give you pressure stimulation. So when you're like doing a handstand or you're stretching and your feet are on the floor, I mean, those are all ways to simulate touch. When you're applying pressure to different parts of your body through exercise. That's my note on touch. Can't wait to get out there. I also got a dog, which I'll talk more about at some point, but that's really helped me. The second thing I've been thinking about to get us all ready for going out there is just our relationships. You know, we talk about spring cleaning and we're gonna get rid of stuff that doesn't serve us, but what about your relationships, right? Haven't you noticed that during the pandemic you thought like, who do I really wanna see? Who do I miss? Who are my real friends? Or maybe you even looked at your romantic relationships, but who are you gonna get in touch with literally? And who are you gonna let go? Which relationships are you gonna let fall by the wayside? I always think about toxic relationships. How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship? How do you know if you should end a relationship? So here's some signs. You feel worse when you're with them. When you're with them, you maybe dread seeing them, and then you get home and you're like, oh God, that was really bad. They left a bad taste in your mouth because they don't really celebrate you. They don't ask questions about you. They don't seem very interested in anything you have to tell them, and they might even feel really manipulative. You know, if they're gaslighting you, which is a behavior where essentially they're making you feel insane. Every time you say something, they're contradicting you. You don't have to live with relationships like that. And after you see it, maybe you just feel drained. They're like an energy drain. I mean, you know those people in your life, and sometimes we just forget that it's not always that way. So I just wanted to say, this is like a little wake-up call for you. You don't have to be in a relationship that makes you feel bad, is keeping you from your friends and your family. They're not celebrating your achievements. They make you feel smaller and they're constantly questioning everything you do. In fact, you don't need anyone in your life like that. And you don't have to wait till this pandemic is over. If it's over, it's over. Just think about it, you guys. If I want you to kind of check, because we can all give a chance right now to start new. It is a new world that we're entering. We've all learned a lot of lessons in the last year. I know that I've learned a lot besides just needing touch. I really have looked at relationships and what I need and what's important to me, and I'm just encouraging you all to do the same. Not only spring clean your house, but spring clean your relationships. I just wanted to share that with you. Happy, uh, one year in the pandemic. Thank you everyone for being here and listening to the show and sharing it with a friend, and for all of your questions and your calls. I love you all. And also remember, you can always email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. I'm gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, Jennifer wants to know how to get back into dating. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom.

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Let's talk to Jennifer, 35, in Canada. Hi Jennifer, thanks for calling.

I just basically wanted to know if you had any tips to get back into the dating game. I've been single for about 3 years now. I got out of an 11-year relationship which I believe it was toxic, you know. I was just in it to be in a relationship, if you will, um, and then I decided, you know what, I gotta take care of myself. This relationship isn't working, um, so we kind of decided to call it quits, go our separate ways. And, um, I was just trying to figure out how to get back into this dating game, especially since recently I've discovered, if you will, being on a couple of Facebook groups and just discussing with other people, that I am demisexual.

Yeah.

So yeah, I need to have, um, an established connection with somebody in order to be able to hop into the sack them.

Like an emotional connection.

A romantic connection. I just need to connect with that person on some sort of level. Like, even if they're freaking hot, you know, my plumbing is not gonna work. You know, I need to connect with somebody.

Yeah. Just explain to people, there's something called demisexual, which means that, you know, you really want to have an emotional connection, a real connection with someone before you have sex with them. Another one is sapiosexual. You want to have an intellectual conversation. You know, your partner's use of words and language really turns you on. And it's all sort of I mean, I do the same thing. Like, our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So that makes sense, Jennifer. I'm exactly the same way. I need to have that, that connection. So I understand that, Jennifer. So how do we go about— because a lot of people aren't going to lead with their heart on their sleeve. They're not going to lead with vulnerability and emotion. And so we got to look at is how do you find somebody where you can sort of turn the conversation towards something that would be a turn-on to you? And sometimes it's asking challenging questions or asking revealing questions. What if you controlled the conversation and you started asking asking questions that could elicit some of this more vulnerability, because I, I know people say, oh, the apps are all about sex. Everyone wants sex, but not if you don't allow it to go there. You know, you could ask 'em like what I'm looking up this app right now that I just downloaded. It's, it's so great. It's by the Gottman Institute and it has these love cards, like, you know, what's something you wanted to achieve? You know, it's like those 36 questions from the New York Times. This study, like, what to make anyone fall in love. And there's questions like, if you could sit next to anybody at dinner, who would it be? What is your one memory from your childhood that dictates, you know, who you think you are right now? What makes you feel the most competent? What's your favorite food? You know, what's your favorite way of spending an evening? And you could sort of have questions with them that allow you to get more real and open. I just think it's about you controlling the conversation, you know?

Okay.

Some of the questions here, it's like, Who's the most fascinating person you ever met? What are you obsessed with these days? Are you a morning person or a night owl? What would be your dream job if you had enough? And not that those are emotional per se, but they get people talking. Many people are having video date, the video chat, they're setting it up and they're not doing anything until they look at them and they have a real conversation or they set up a date where they're each having a glass of wine on either end of the screen and they're having real conversations. I mean, you're 35 years old. I would think that you'd be meeting people who are a little bit more serious, but because I don't think it's all about sex.

I hope not. I mean, it's great that it's all about sex when you're in a relationship, but not to start off your relationship. You don't want it to be based on that, you know. You got to have that good connection sexually, of course, but you also have to have that emotional connection. You have to have the same values, the same outlook on life, in my opinion anyway.

Yes, you're right, you should. So why don't you find out about their values? Find out what they're into, what makes them happy, what What do they prioritize? What are they looking for? I don't, I don't think it's too soon to ask about those things. What are their favorite ways to spend a Saturday? What's their dream vacation? You know, you could just say, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm looking for a committed relationship with someone right now. What are you looking for? I'm not looking for casual sex. You could even say demisexual, need to know who you are before we sleep together. Like, need to know, need to get my heart racing, you know, before we, or my mind racing. If you message someone on Facebook, you could say, hey, want to take— I loved what you were saying in the chat. Let's— you want to meet and go for a walk? Do you want to—

privately? Yeah, yeah, let's talk privately.

I think it's really flattering too when someone reaches out and they're like, I really want to get to know you, let's have a chat. You know what I'm saying? And then you get to control the conversation. But I do believe you'll find this person, and it's okay. I think it's totally okay for you to get what you need. I think that some guys just default They still think that women want a dick pic or want, but I haven't heard any of that lately. I think most people I know want a more of an intimate connection.

I get that the guys are proud of it and they should be, but like, don't show it off the first second, you know?

No one's sitting around right now, or women that I know, saying, I wish I got a dick pic tonight. That would be awesome. Right?

Unless, unless it's asked for by somebody they know and that they trust.

We want a consenting dick pic, but not just a dick pic in the wild.

Exactly.

Like, I didn't expect this dick pic. Yeah. So I would just say it'll happen, but know that it will. The clearer you get on what the values are that are important to you, then you can guide that conversation and just vet people, figure it out. But you will like figure out who they are and, and not telling yourself that everyone's gonna be, make it sexual. Cuz I don't think that's true. Some people will, but not all of them. You'll find someone who's actually interested in you and what you have to say and sharing who they are.

Awesome. Thank you very much.

Of course. Thanks, Jennifer.

I appreciate it, and I love your show.

Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Thanks, Jennifer. Thanks everyone for emailing me. You know, you can always send your message through feedback@sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com/askemily. Super easy. All we ask is that you include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. All right, this is from Nathaniel, 35, in Spokane, Washington. Hey, Dr. Emily, my wife and I are in an open relationship, and it's going great. We love trying new things sexually. We perfect them with our other partners before bringing them home. We do this because we want our sex together to be amazing every time, which has been working out fantastically. We initially opened up because I wasn't bringing anything new to the bedroom. She was getting bored and frustrated with being the only one to spice things up. She frequently asks me to use my hands, and I do, but it's the same routine. I'm struggling to find new ways to be sensual and sexual with them while we're having sex. Please help. All right, Nathaniel, I am here to help. I really enjoyed this question because it's so specific. Like, I'm so— I'm doing the same thing with my hands. And so I wasn't sure if at first if you were referring to when you're actually like perhaps stimulating her vulva, she wants different moves. Um, but that would be more on her, I think, to show you, or that could be that. So if that is what you mean, let me just say that because I have a lot of other ideas for your hands, but I would just do some you know, masturbation sessions where you're just focusing on her and seeing how she touches herself and what feels good to her. But I'm gonna assume you just wanna play with some other sensations. So there's great finger vibes out there. ZheShu makes this finger vibe. It has a little band on it that attaches to your finger. So essentially, whatever you touch, your whole hand vibrates. And it's a really cool vibrator. I got it last year and I was blown away by it. And then you could use some warming oil, some massage oil, and then you could use the vibrator over that on your hand. You could also use like a loofah, you know, like as a glove, they make those loofah gloves and you can use that to kind of massage her back or in the shower. Cause I was trying to think about sensation play and what feels so good with touch is when we play with hot and cold and we play with different sensations. You could even take a necklace or something like a pearl necklace or beads, a scarf and blindfold her and just sort of tease her with different sensations. So remember, all about your hands is— I suppose you could also ask her for clarification of what she means by that, but maybe it's different pressure with your hands. I love using massage oil every time I have sex. I love using massage oil or like a massage candle that makes everything feel great. And sensation play is a really fun way to play with different temperatures and sensations. Like, you could do ice cubes in your hand, you could use a warming oil, you could put warm towels in the microwave even warm them up. That feels amazing. And just kind of put it over her back, and then you can massage over those towels. So just play with it all over her body. So let me know how it goes, Nathaniel. This is from Kate, 29, in Pennsylvania. I've been in a relationship with my partner for a decade, married 4 years. After a few years of dating and very regular sex, things have all but dried up. It's been over a year. I'm dying and also crying over this. When I bring it up to my partner, she claims she doesn't know why we aren't intimate. I know that it's a team effort, but after so much rejection, I just got in the habit of not initiating. Do you think this is grounds for ending the relationship? Please help. So you're 29, you've been together for 10 years since you were 19. That is a long time. Have you ever, Kate, talked to your partner about why she thinks you guys aren't having sex and what would be interesting to you both to keep it interesting? And like, is it still important to both of you? Is it's still something that she wants to work on. Could you have a conversation with her from a place of curiosity and kindness and just, you know, let her know, not in a frustrating place, cuz it sounds like you're really at your wit's end now, but just say, I really want, you know, sex is an important part of our connection and I miss it. Can we kind of figure out what would be a way to get it back on track? So your question is, do you think this is grounds for ending a relationship? I believe if you have really tried to talk to a partner about your sex life and they say, I'm not interested. Our sex life is over, we don't need to prioritize sex, I just— we're best friends. I think that's a problem because clearly you still want to have sex and prioritize it. And I think that relationships that go the distance, they work through these ebbs and flows and they decide that they're going to figure out how to be intimate in a way that works for both of you. You've also been together for so long. I'm assuming this is your first— maybe your first relationship or your first serious relationship. I mean, it's such formative years that you've been together. So there's also the possibility that maybe you've grown apart I'm sure you've grown up a lot and learned a lot. And so this can happen. And so if you wanna get therapy, if you've never had therapy, that would be a great way to go and figure out if you're on the same page about your values and where you wanna go. If you're together, you know, for the next decade, you could also check out our new FAQ section on our website that kind of lists a lot of the questions that you ask. There is one about sex drive and libido that you might wanna check that out. That could be really helpful to you as well and help you get started. What I'm also hearing is that it's been going on for over a year. And sometimes couples get into these places where they keep having the same conversations and you don't even remember why you're fighting anymore. And that's why I love the idea of seeing a therapist because then they just kind of help you in an amazing amount of time, like just maybe a session or two, regroup and get deeper and really cut through all the BS and be like, what is really going on here? You might be surprised after 10 years together, how much a session or two with a therapist could really help you have some breakthroughs. and then you'll be able to answer the question, should I stay or should I go? All right, Kate, thank you for your question and best of luck to you. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much for your email, Kate. You got this. Okay. This is from Rachel, 21, in Utah. Hey, Dr. Emily, me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year and I want to introduce him to my vibrators and other toys, but they intimidate him. How would you introduce toys to a man that grew up in a religion that told him sex toys were the tools of the devil? All right, so this is the deal. I like to think of this scenario, which is very common. If we grew up in a home that wasn't open to sex and wasn't open to masturbation, it takes education first. So getting him to understand that when you use a toy, it's not taking away from him, it's not replacing him, it's just an additive. It's a, it's another sensation, something that feels great on all of our nerve endings. And you can also let him know that it feels great on him too. I recommend that you guys sit and listen to some of our podcasts together, that you maybe give him some reading. You know, we've great articles on our website about toys and how to use them with a partner. The education part includes just getting him to think differently about it, that his beliefs, you know, maybe there's another way of thinking about it. And the next thing is empathy, because you have to also have a little bit of empathy for his situation, which I'm sure you do. But it's really hard when we grow up indoctrinated in a home where for the maybe the first 18 years of his life, he heard all these messages around sex. You don't just leave those at the door when you move out or when you get into a relationship. So it's a little bit of just understanding where he came from and working with that. How does he learn best? Giving him this education, but also being kind. And then exploration. I think that if he might be willing to use a toy, if you get him there, that to show him that even a little hand vibe, a handheld vibe feels great on him as well. Right? Vibrators feel great all over our bodies, but specifically on a penis owner, you could use it on a shaft, his balls, balls on a lower setting. Sometimes vulva's like, er, a lot more intensity, but the penis might want a little bit, just something different. Remember, variety. Play with it, play with him. I have found, and I've been with partners who are also reluctant, who are like, we don't need a toy, or is that going to replace me? Once I show them how it feels on them and then they see what it does to me, they are on board They're asking for it by name. They're like, bring that womanizer next time. You know, it's like it's getting over their limiting beliefs or their beliefs that no longer serve them. So that's the exercise there. Okay, Rachel, thanks for your email. Be right back. I'm going to talk to Mark, who's got questions about nipple clamps, among other things. We'll be right back. Let's talk to Mark in Arkansas. Hi, Mark. Thanks for calling.

Hey, Dr. Emily Morse.

Hello, how can I help you?

Yes, my wife and I are here and we have 3 questions to ask, if you don't mind.

Of course.

We've been married for 10 years and we thought we'd spice things up a little bit. We went to a sex toy store and we bought almost $400 worth of items. It's been fun, but one thing we bought was the nipple clamps. She wants to try. We bought the adjustable one and it still hurts her. Like we tried to adjust it as much as possible, but it still hurts. Is there anything she should try? Anything you can suggest?

Which ones did you buy? There's so many different kinds. Does it have the little screw that you turn on the side?

Yes.

Maybe have you tried moving them around the breast and putting them in different areas? Because there are so many erogenous zones on the breast. So maybe just— they don't have to literally be on the nipples. It could be around the bottom. It could be around the top. Of the breast. I mean, it could be like around the areola. I would just play with it. You know, that's the thing about toys is that they're not— you can use them and gear, I guess, sex accessories in different ways. Just get curious. And maybe again, she might have super sensitive nipples, but I think that's okay too. Just play around, see where they do.

She was saying that it's possible because since she just was breastfeeding about, what is it, 3 years ago, 3 years ago, could that be a reason or that has nothing to do with it?

Absolutely, it could. I mean, if you don't— maybe there's a blood flow challenge, like perhaps maybe her breasts are more sensitive. I've heard that women do, that their breast tenderness does change, you know, after they, after they give childbirth, after they breastfeed. So that could be it as well. You could also use some lube. I mean, maybe massage them with your fingers and like start the blood flowing again, because perhaps there hasn't been a lot of activity there. So there are a lot of nerve endings, and maybe just softly use some lube, or maybe some CBD lube that has some healing properties in it, and just sort of gently use your hands and massage around the nipples and kind of see if you could wake them up.

That could be it.

Sometimes we just have to move through it and kind of get the blood flowing again.

Okay. Our second question is about anal douches.

An enema?

Well, yes. We've heard mixed things about that. We just want to know, is it healthy to use? Because I've heard that it sometimes messes with the chemistry inside.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you asked this question because the same goes for vaginal douching as the enema. You don't need to— if you buy it in the store, you got to pour out the solution, the vinegar or whatever comes in it. And then if you, if you want to clear it out, which is, you know, up to everybody, usually we know when we're clean or we've gone to the bathroom, but I recommend filling it with warm water instead of whatever comes in it because that stuff isn't so great to put inside of you and then flush it out and just, you know, use it twice or something and go through it and see how that feels. But warm water over the toilet, that's what I recommend.

Okay, all right. And our third question is the difference between edging and an orgasm for males, for me specifically, because I seem to have— I think I suffer from PD, premature ejaculation. Yes, but I can go, I can continue to go on, and I seem to ejaculate almost 6, 7 times.

How old are you?

I am 34.

Okay.

I thought I was edging, but now I'm thinking, am I actually ejaculating? I mean, is it actually an orgasm? And is it— because I didn't think it was possible to have this many within an hour. I mean, I could actually go for more times, but I just want to— wow, after the 6th or 7th, I just want to be done.

That's, that's pretty incredible. So are you ejaculating all those times?

Yes, I mean, not, you know, the first time a lot comes out, the second, third, and the more times, the less comes out. But yes, there is some that comes out and I have to keep wiping each time.

Oh God, Mark, that's, I mean, I, that's incredible to me because I don't hear that. Usually I hear that for men in their 20s when their testosterone's really high, but to come 6 or 7 times, your refractory period is really quick. Um, for a man, because for women, you know, they're a lot faster, but for men typically not. So, and then when you do edge and women can do it as well, coming up to like, let's say 10 is ejaculation and 1 is nothing. You get to like a 7 or 8 and then you bring it back down again and you try to repeat that a few times and then you ejaculate. That ejaculation, the time when you do let go is supposed to be a lot more intense. And then you also could start to train your body to, to come when you want it to rather than coming on its own. Although I don't see that there really being a problem here. Yeah, I mean, if you're able to go and go and go, that's just impressive. And that's it. Yeah.

Yeah. It obviously feels good to be able to do that many times, but it's also kind of frustrating because my wife, for example, if she— there's a certain position that where she feels like I'm hitting the G-spot, she wants me to continue on and on, but because of the PE, you know, I can't because I'm about to ejaculate.

Ejaculate. Let's talk. Yeah, I understand that. Okay. Thank you for clarifying that. So I would recommend that doing the stop-start method and starting to train your body. You could do that with your partner or with your wife or on your own. You could do your Kegel exercises. These are all the things that help to strengthen your pelvic floor, right? That helps. The other thing is Promescent, which is a quickly absorbing delay spray that helps men last like 65% longer in bed. And you apply it like 10 to 15 minutes before sexual activity, and it can help you last longer. That's the only, like, one that I would recommend. But I also like men to work on their own control. And also, sometimes it is about, you know, a pattern. You know, I would assume that, that, Mark, you— this has been something that's been happening since you started having sex, that it happened quicker than you wanted it to?

Yes.

Okay, so I mean, typically it's a learned pattern. It could be something to do with— I know this is when I'm— you don't have experience lasting longer. And so something about also maybe using Promescent gives you a confidence or security knowing that you can last longer. That's what I've heard men tell me, but really it's just about that. It's about practicing and also going to your partner. So realizing that if I do come too quickly, that making sure that your partner's pleased. So going down on her, stimulating her, even if it's for a few minutes, that I find that when you take your attention off of your own erection, your own orgasm, your own erection, that it'll come back when you're focusing on her. When you're giving to her.

Right, right. Yes, and I've done that, and it's been great, but sometimes she wants me to continue, but I just can't, because it's just— and I think it's a mental thing, because— I do, too. —when she does things like moan, it makes me finish even quicker, so I kind of tell her to please be quiet so I can last longer.

Well, that's true, though.

That's the thing. I don't know. It's strange.

No, it's very common, and so I would say— I mean, I like what you're saying, because I do believe a lot of it is our mind, which is a good thing to know that it's just anxiety. It's a patterned response to orgasm and to ejaculation. So I would say that you guys could do maybe some mutual masturbation together where she's getting off and you're getting off and you're both edging yourselves because then you could, it could be a practice because for women, when we delay orgasm, uh, we do the same kind of edging thing where we go up to like an 8 and we bring it back down and we go back up and down. Then when we finally do have an orgasm, it's the same thing, that much more intense and powerful. So, if she would like to join you on this journey, or you could do it when you're masturbating, but I would start to just understand your arousal and ejaculation responses. So, yeah, well, let me know, Mark. Have fun. All right. Thank you so much. Yeah, you guys sound like a good time. Thank you. Bye, Mark. Okay. This is from Kat, 28, North Carolina. I just started listening to your podcast after your masterclass was featured in the New York Times. Mind blown. This is exactly what I've been looking for. I have many questions, but I'll just share what I'm going through. I'm 28 in Northern California. I've been through a lot this past year, almost 1 year sober. I take therapy and my recovery from alcoholism and codependency seriously. I haven't had sex in 2.5 years because of trauma from bad long-term relationships. I'm having a hard time trusting people, but now I'm in a phase where I'm ready to start exploring pleasure. I bought a couple toys for myself, started listening to erotica, and went on about 1 virtual date a week. From dating, I realized I want to sleep around and explore different people and have fun. I'm graduating from graduate school in June, but I have 4 roommates and I feel like I have enough physical, mental space to take on sexual adventures. I do take COVID precautions seriously. Can't have guys or maybe girls over at my place because of my roommates. Please help me. Where can I put all this newfound sober sexual energy? Is it possible to date around with all these restrictions, both real and imagined? I'm so frustrated. Thank you so much. All right, Kat, thank you so much for your email. First off, I'm so proud of you that you have been sober for a year and that you worked on your codependency. That is not easy. It takes a lot of commitment. And the fact that you didn't start drinking during the pandemic— hard times we've been through. And I understand this, how much work it takes to get sober, to go to the 12 steps of recovery So I'm just blown away by you. It's not easy. And it even sounds like you've done the work around, you know, when you start a 12-step program or you start getting sober, they often recommend not to have sex for a year at least. And it sounds like you know yourself really well. And this is the kind of work that's going to just help you so much in your future relationships and in your life. So as far as the COVID concerns, you know, now a lot of people are getting vaccinated and and that's gonna be happening soon. So I think you can just have questions with people and make sure they got vaccinated and they're safe, or you can continue to do outside dates or ask them what their protocol's been, you know, are they being safe? But also as far as going out there though and dating again, and you wanna date around, I think it's great that you know this about yourself. I would just try to find someone you trust, maybe go out with them a few times, have some more FaceTime dates, dates, maybe go for a walk with them and don't rush it. Because I've found that for me, when I'm in a casual sex phase of my life, it really helps with people that I actually like and I trust. I'm not really into the one-offs, sleeping around, and especially if you're sober. Like, I feel like when I've done that, I definitely was drinking more, and those are the nights that it works. So I would think someone like you who's very much in your power right now, it would be best to build the tension with someone. I don't know why it seems we all rush into sex right away. Not that one-night stands can't be fun and But make out with somebody and then just tell them that's what you feel comfortable with right now. And then continue to talk to them and get to know them. So I think that there should be no rush and no pressure. Of course, I don't like when people feel pressure that they have to give into sex or someone's not going to like them. Let me tell you, if you're with a partner or someone new who says you feel that you have to have sex with them to make them like you or to accept you, are to please them, that is no reason to do it at all. What I'd love to see everybody do is to really learn to pay attention to their own desire and their own needs and then make decisions from there. So I think the more honest you are about your program and what you're working on, I think you'll be more likely to find some suitable sex partners. And I think being honest about where you're at in your life too, about what you're looking for, will be super helpful, Kat, in this journey. So again, congratulations to you and let me know how it goes. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating, on relationships, you can email me feedback@sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com/askemily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex, and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com/guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because, hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.