Trust vs. Lust

And when we get ghosted, and we've all been ghosted, or, you know, we've had people disappear, they say it takes half your time dating someone to get over them. So this guy deserves like half a day. But it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong. I just think we got to move on from this. You're listening to Sex by Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Trust. It is the glue of relationships, even the more casual ones. Can I trust that this person is safe, that they're not going to hurt me? Can I trust myself that I'll know how to navigate the situation? These are the questions we all ask ourselves, even if it's subconscious. Our bodies and brains regularly scan for danger. But when you're wearing rose-colored glasses, sometimes the red flags just look like flags. So on today's Ask Emily show, I take your questions on trust and safety because we know safety is the precursor to hot sex. So what happens when you're having mind-blowing sex with a partner but catch them chatting with sex workers online? Or what happens when you've been love bombed by someone who isn't what they seem? Or maybe you've had past relationship trauma and don't trust new partners to take it slow with you. Finally, do you trust yourself to facilitate a hookup? Do you trust that you can help a partner heal from sex negative messaging? These are the questions I'm exploring today, and trust me, by the end you'll walk away with some great tools for sticky situations. Intentions with Emily Morse. Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you lay the groundwork for healing if you're dealing with or have ever dealt with trust issues in your relationships, cuz I promise you clear those out and better sex is on the horizon. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Have More Sensual Sex, is up at sexwithemily.com, and also check out my YouTube channel and subscribe for more sex tips and advice. If you wanna ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX, or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily. Emily Morse. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, we have Jamie 44 in Utah. Hi, Jamie, what's going on? Thanks for joining today.

Thank you for having me. I'm a big fan.

Oh, I'm so glad. I so appreciate you calling in. What's going on?

So I wanted to reach out. Let me just give you a quick background. I'm 44. I've been divorced for 3 years and I'm— I've been dating a new guy who's a little bit younger than I am, who has never been married. And he moved in with me about a year ago and things are going very well. We have an incredible relationship, incredible sex life. In fact, we have a lot of sex, like every day. And over the summer we bought an iPad together and I discovered how much he actually is looking at porn, which is fine. I'm fine with that. But I discovered he's been chatting online with women, you know, where you pay money and then you get the tokens. To make them do things. So I decided to reach out to you because coming off of a 20-year marriage, dating a little bit younger guy, everything is seemingly wonderful. We have an incredible sex life. I'm pulling out all the stops. Everything seems really exciting and happy and fun. I'm questioning myself now though because I discovered this on the iPad. I've since gotten my own iPad, right? Because I guess it triggered me in a way. I just, I felt like I wasn't doing enough for him. But I guess my question and why I'm reaching out to you is, what, how do we feel about this? Because to me it feels that's not right.

Yeah, no, I, I feel that it's a really great time to have a conversation with him about it because what you're saying is he's on something like OnlyFans probably, which is very common right now that people can— he's paying to, to watch someone masturbate, or he's chatting with them, right? And that's a next level way of masturbating, which is a very common thing that a lot of people are doing right now. What's it making you feel right now? What is it making you feel?

That it's making me feel like I'm not doing enough.

And I understand that.

I, and I, I feel— I mean, I don't feel like jealousy or anything like that, but I'm definitely like What am I not doing to keep him satisfied when we're already very sexually active and we have so much fun together? So everything seems great from my perspective. So why would we need to be chatting online and paying money? I've done some things recently that I'd never thought I would do, but, you know, I'm enjoying it. So that on my end, you mean sexually, right? But on his end, what I don't understand why he needs to do this.

Okay, got it. No, I totally— that is such a valid concern about it. And well, first, let me just tell you this, that masturbation is part of being sexually healthy. And people masturbate in relationships, they masturbate when they're out of relationships. And sometimes when people are having really satisfying sex, they masturbate more because sex begets sex and it feels so good and he just wants more and more. So I just want you to know that it's really common. But yeah. Oh, what'd you say? It's what?

I said best news all day.

Okay, good. Yeah, I can feel your attention. I just want to give you a hug and just tell you that because we don't know that. And it's so common that we feel like, why do they need to masturbate if they got me? And I went through this too before I knew this. I would get jealous, you know, when I was in my 20s. I found a guy was watching porn and I was like, oh my God, but we're having the best sex of our life. So I think it's really just about a conversation. Have you guys ever talked about masturbation together?

Yeah, all the time. We talk about it all the time. And in fact, at one point I said to him, and I made up a story, and I was like, hey, you know, one of my girlfriends is, is really worried. She caught her husband chatting online with other women on a porn site. And he was like, oh my God, I would never, that's cheating, la la la. Okay, I was like, uh, okay, well, but then I didn't do anything about it. I felt like I would embarrass him, so I didn't want to say anything.

So this would be another conversation to have because I have to say to you that, that let's now address what's actually happening. Is this chatting with women online with porn sites online. That is another level. And there are many women who I could see why that's gonna make you feel jealous or be confused. And I think you just gotta ask 'em, say, we are sharing this iPad and I, I just want you to know, like, I, I think masturbation is healthy and I'm totally cool with you masturbating. But when I saw this, it did make me feel, and you can only speak from your experience, it made me feel like I wasn't doing enough and that maybe you needed more from me. And so maybe you could tell me, Don't even ask him if it's real, cuz you already saw it, you know it's true. So just say, maybe you could tell me more about your decision to, to do this, to chat.

Right.

Can you tell me what it does for you, what it feels for you? Because I'm just curious and I know this is gonna be hard because you're angry and you're hurt. I mean, I guess if he lies and makes an excuse, I mean, you see the thing, like it's, who else is it? You share an iPad, which also feels like he should know that.

You could, sometimes we do.

It's actually really surprised me that he hadn't deleted his search history though.

Yeah. You're like, dude, if you deleted your search history, history, like most people, we all do that. We all do that. Like, why are we deleting our search history? But I think that just finding out, we're getting curious. And has there ever been other things in the relationship, whether you felt was off or trust or—

just in the beginning, to be married for 20 years and completely out of the dating scene, and then to get together with someone who has been single his whole life. And then, you know, we got together. I, at first, I was very sensitive to the other women that he was friends with and his social media. But I've totally gotten over that, and I feel really, really confident in our relationship now.

Okay, good. There hasn't been any other— okay, good. So you trust him? No, nothing.

Totally trust him.

Yeah. Okay, good. Okay, so this is more information. As we like to say in the business, you got to get curious. And now you have more information about him and his porn habits. If you just saw he was watching porn, would that be as alarming as the chatting?

No, because I wouldn't care.

See, I get that. So this next level, you say, I'm cool with porn, I understand that, but this is a next level thing. I'm just curious. What it's about. And he might tell you, like, I could imagine some things he might say is, well, I don't even know what happens, or it helps me with stress. We all masturbate cuz it helps us with stress, or it's a release, or it's a fantasy. Or so again, I'm not as alarmed with his, the frequency of his masturbation as it is this part of it. And the fact that he did shame somebody else for doing it when you brought it up. Right.

Okay.

But he was also responding to your, like, can you believe her boyfriend did that? So he was like, oh shit, this will never be safe. So then he didn't feel safe. I mean, he probably— like, what would have been great if he's like, yeah, I've done that. That would have been— he actually would have been great if he was like, oh no, I've done that. It's actually— yeah, it's no big deal. Yeah, you'd be like, oh really? Like, you would have been fine with that baby? Oh, I, I—

yes. And I— it would have been out of sight, out of mind. But the fact that he— yes, shamed somebody else and was like—

it's a gray area. It really is a gray area because some couples are like, you know what, I get my partner, I understand them, this is what they do, I'm getting all my needs met. And I don't think it typically means like it's anything nefarious. What's happening with porn a lot now these days is it's readily available. And then being able to chat now with the person that you're watching is sort of a next level arousal. And a lot of times we have to keep elevating the arousal level of what is gonna turn us on. It's kind of risky. It's kind of taboo.

Right.

And it's readily available, especially during the pandemic. Like OnlyFans and all those sites are just like, you know, through the roof. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Thank you. You're so welcome. I so appreciate you. Thank you for calling in. Thank you. Okay. Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. Okay.

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye. Masturbation. Remember, it is part of being sexually healthy and we do it in relationships all the time and that's fine, but this is a next level. Like what is the meaning of it? And so I think anytime we are feeling hurt or threatened by some of our partner's behavior, the important things here that I've said are you have to listen, try not to be angry and just to stay curious and then listen to your partner's answers. And even if you need to step away and keep continuing the conversation if you do feel anger coming on, I think that the more we can be open to our partners and listen and understand their sexual proclivities and what turns them on, we'll be more likely to forge healthier sexual relationships all around. We have Damien. He's 28 and he's from Atlanta, Georgia. So tell me what's going on. How can I help?

I guess to make a long story short, it breaks down to my wife's masturbation routine, toys and everything that checks out. That's okay. We have a 2-year-old, so that intimate time is limited. But when it breaks down to the old good two hands, she's not for it. She's grossed out by it.

She's grossed out by using her hands. For masturbation on herself?

Okay, right.

Okay, have you ever asked her about why that is? What's her take on it?

It's simply she's grossed out by it. So I've dug deeper into that as maybe there's trauma around it or something in that relation, but her first sexual experience was traumatic but not necessarily related to masturbation, but Okay, but there could be something there.

How is your conversation about your sex life in general?

Yeah, it's open. Our kid's coming up on 2. So the drive post-kid has been a little rough on her, but I've been understanding of that because I know the hormones are on a roller coaster. But the conversation is open. It's there, and there's good common ground and understanding.

Okay. So what part of her feeling grossed out by touching herself bothers you?

I'm not bothered by it, but I think she's missing out on that. That's like a good building block of that routine. Like I said, with the limited time, you can only bring toys in somewhere to squeeze that time in. And if your hands aren't the good option, then kind of limited. Not options.

Okay, honestly, she's— but she does use toys because to me toys are efficient, toys are quick if you don't have a lot of time and you have a young one.

Yeah, you make a good point there.

Yeah, but the grossed out is interesting, and she's not grossed out by touching you, right? Like she gives you pleasure and touches you and—

She has her lanes with like she wants me to be nice and clean, which is understanding. I sweat plenty, so That's— and she's not necessarily a germaphobe, but lets everything be clean is her lane.

Okay.

Cum is not her favorite substance.

Okay.

That's not every woman.

Is there any areas that— did she grow up in an environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex, or was she told it was shameful to masturbate?

I think there's some deal of that. That's not necessarily clear in our conversation, but I I think there's a little bit of that going on.

Okay, because sometimes that carries over as well. That, that could be part of it. And if she still is masturbating though, she is doing it like she's using toys, you said she's having orgasms and pleasure?

No, I think not, not as much as a woman should.

Well, there is—

that's not my business. Then there's no magic number, right?

I think that if she uses toys and she's okay with masturbation, I think it's okay if she doesn't use her hands. I think that maybe—

remind—

does she have pleasure when you got me? Does she have orgasms? And does she have— she enjoys the sex that you guys have together, obviously, right?

Our, uh, our sex life is there with— we, we both climax.

Okay.

I think there's just more— there's— we got to get to the bottom of— there's a lot of shame around sexuality in her upbringing. It wasn't okay to be loud and proud about your sexuality and her.

Yeah, I mean, that's so common. Do you guys ever get— do you have date night? Do you have time away from your kid?

So we just recently relocated to where we're close to family, so now we're gonna be able to have a grandma babysitter.

So amazing. It's really important for couples to continue to have date night every week. Like, you're non-negotiable, we are having a date night. Because maybe on those nights you could have a more relaxed conversation with her about— and I would make rules around that, like, we're not going to talk about our kid, we're going to really just focus on ourselves yourself and connection. Could be a time where you maybe would say, you know what, I kind of was listening to Sex with Emily and I learned some of these, you know, I thought about you and I just want you to know that part of being sexually healthy is masturbation that I've learned. And I, I think that the more we listen to sex positive messages, we can eradicate slowly our early messages around sex. And I think it just takes surrounding yourself by sex positive people, hearing sex positive messages continually and just sort of, you know, she grew up in a place where it wasn't okay for 18 years whenever she left home. It takes a little bit of time, but I think you're doing all the right things here. You seem like a very loving, supportive husband. So I doubt that you're shaming her and saying, well, you really should do, you know, use your hands and you really should. Just guiding her gently and letting her know that pleasure is her birthright. You support her having more pleasure and feeling good. And, you know, maybe you go shopping for toys together and she picks out something that she's into.

And she loves that. I'll have to plan that in.

Yeah. Buy some sex positive books. You know, there's, there's some great masturbation books. Um, there's one by, does she like to read at all?

She's— she loves reading smut. We have a whole bookshelf out of the frame here of J.R. Ward's steamiest.

All right, but maybe she could get some books. Like, there's one called For Yourself by Betty Dodson about masturbation. So again, just maybe you could send her articles. There's just things she could learn about it. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things, and I'm excited for your date night, and I'm excited for you to continue talking to her. And I'm really glad that you're just having sex and she's having pleasure. It sounds like you are too. So thank you for your call. I appreciate it, Damien.

Thank you.

Yeah, let me know how it goes. I'll be here.

Have a good one.

You too. Thanks a lot. All right. Remember that we have to continue to have conversations with our partners about sex and about pleasure and about masturbation. And I think that it does— it is a process of rewiring and undoing all of the negative messages that we get around sex that simply aren't true. We are meant to be sexual beings. Masturbation is part of being sexually healthy, but being patient with our partners as they continue on their journey, you know, we're not all there. A lot of you listening to the show are really sort of at the forefront of this sex conversation. It's still very new for many people. The majority of people have never talked about sex or masturbation. They haven't even challenged their beliefs around sex or masturbation. So they're like, what do you mean it's okay? I mean, and I understand that. So we just have to meet people where they're at, continue to support them on their journey, share this episode with them if you think there's something in here that could be useful. That's how a lot of people find the show. And just thank you all for listening and, and being willing to have these conversations like Damien is with his wife. After the break, I talked to Lacey, who had an amazing first date with a guy, but she hasn't heard back from him. I hate mixed signals. So we've got Lacey, 25, from Kentucky. Hi, Lacey. What's going on?

Hi.

I recently met a guy online. And we hit it off pretty instantly. So we scheduled a day and a time to meet for a date. And we went on that date and it was amazing. We got along so well to the point that he was talking about a long-term commitment and a relationship. And by the end of the night, he was even saying crazy things like he was falling for me and saying things to me that made me believe he was really all in. So that night we had sex, and from my experience, the sex was really great. Now, I'm unsure of his experience of the sex, but the following day we exchanged a few text messages. Thought it was normal. Well, the next day he was completely unresponsive, so I learned that I had actually been blocked. So from my perspective, either he was a liar the whole time and just telling me the things that I wanted to hear in order to have sex with me, or he was telling the truth on the date and after the sex, either the sex was bad or something, and he decided not to talk about that with me. So the whole situation has obviously left me with lots of questions, but Regardless of the situation, it just has made me feel like, what's the point of putting myself out there or going on dates and doing things like this if these are kind of my options I'm left with? Either someone who will, you know, lie to me to just have sex with me, or someone who's unwilling to be vulnerable after.

So, wow. Okay, very well said. And I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I can imagine that your mind is jumping to all these places, like, why did he ghost? Why did he block me? What did I do? Like, what's wrong with me? Am I a terrible lover? But I have to tell you that this guy sounds like, you know, telling you that he's falling in love with you and he's putting on the moves. And the fact that you felt so comfortable with him, he sounds to me like he's a professional player, knows how to get women to do what he wants, and that is to have sex. And the fact that he blocked you and it was aggressive and you barely— you didn't know him To me, it has nothing to do with you, but also you'll never know. That's also the truth. And we have to remember that we'll never know. And when we get ghosted, and we've all been ghosted, or, you know, we've had people disappear, of course we obsess. But I think it was one night. They say it takes half your time dating someone to get over 'em. So this guy deserves like half a day, but it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of, of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong. And I think what it sounds to me was like a little bit of love bombing, as we call it, when they just come on really strong and they make you feel safe and they look into your eyes and they do all the right things. I mean, I can't imagine that it was anything that you did. And if even if it was, again, you won't know. But the fact that he blocked you is so aggressive. And you had a great night and he slept over. I mean, how old is he too? Is he in his 20s as well?

It's— no, he's a grown-ass man. He's 34.

34. I just think we got to move on from this. When did—

yeah, definitely. I feel more logical about it now that it's been a few more days, but, um, he did send me a text a few days later. So apparently he unblocked me to send the text and said something along the lines of, look, sorry for being a jerk, I've got to work on myself, I wish you the best of luck.

Okay.

So I didn't respond after that. Love bombing is something that I have not experienced before.

Yeah, I know, it's tricky to catch because it feels so good. Someone's seriously like pouring the most delicious cocktail of love hormones all over you, like dopamine and serotonin and all the things. It feels so good to feel adored by somebody and to feel that connection. And it's hard to spot. You're like, maybe this is real, I feel this too. And then you're bam. So I think anytime someone says they're falling in love with you, or maybe even having sex so quickly, maybe that's just something that you're gonna wanna wait on a bit. Mm-hmm. Because I always think like, I'm not one who has rules, like 3-date rule and all that stuff. Some people can just, be like, I just want to have sex. I'm going to have sex tonight. I don't care what happens. If that's you and it feels good, great. But for many of us, I want to get to know the person a little bit and maybe I'm— I love that I'm feeling attracted to this person, but let's see what happens the next time I see them. And it's really hot to have anticipation and to like get excited to see someone next.

It feels like trying to find the balance of like being vulnerable and open and sharing and knowing when to read the red flags.

Right. So I think that anytime somebody moves really fast, Or they're saying they think they're falling in love and even having sex right away. I don't know. I, I get there's just as many stories like, well, I had sex with my, you know, partner on the first date. We've been together 20 years. Like you hear just as many of those stories. So again, if there's a reason why you have to right away, but I just wait, get to know someone, especially after this situation has you feeling so tender. So what, and you've had experience in the past though that have been positive with partners? Good sex experiences.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I think anybody who's grown can make their own decisions as long as it's consensual. Feel free to do whatever you want to do. But I don't have sex super often. You know, it is— I think it just got caught up in the love bombing nature of it and the feel-good euphoria of it. But I think it has taught me a little bit about how to know myself and how, how quickly to move in the future.

Yeah. Luckily, you know, you're not pregnant, you didn't get an STD. Like, this guy's blocked, he's out of your life. And all of these things are lessons. Definitely. Yeah.

Well, thanks.

I love it. Of course. I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Bye. So a lot of times we have to think about rejection can be protection, which is a great way to reframe it. We get ghosted for so many reasons. We will never know why. And typically it's never even about us. And if it is about us too, great. That's not your person. It doesn't mean that you're flawed, that you're a terrible person, that you're never gonna find love again, even though our minds love to go there and create some drama. That's just going to keep us down and under for so long. It doesn't have to be that way. So remembering to pay attention and to go slow if that's right for you. I even recently got love bombed in the last few years. I mean, same thing happened to me and I'm a professional. I was like, but it feels so good. And we were at a connection and I'm like, it must be real. And parts of it are real. Part of it, sometimes we talk about in the moment that we feel really good about something, but Again, we're responsible for our own behavior, our own judgments. Pay attention to yourself and just try to move on as quickly as you can and learn the lesson. And don't use it as another way to beat yourself up that there's something wrong with you, but just use it as a, as a resource to learn more about the kind of partners you wanna date and get back out there. We have Rachel, 25, from North Carolina. Rachel, tell me everything. What's going on?

Yeah, I, you know, I'm getting back into the dating world after going through the pandemic. Single, solo, and I— it feels very foreign now, which it didn't used to. So I was just hoping, wondering what your advice would be in terms of starting to date and have partnered sex again after— it's like quite literally been a year.

Yeah, it's been a year. I know, for so many of us, right? I mean, what's going on? Are you starting to date again, or it just feels like you're not ready, or If you had a situation. Okay.

Yeah.

So when the pandemic started, had a situationship fell apart and then, you know, worked on myself throughout the past year and now I'm starting to date again. Been seeing a couple of guys, but you know, it just feels strange.

I know.

Okay.

So talk to me more about what feels strange to you. What is happening exactly?

I just got really used to like being by myself. I live alone, just my dog. And so now it's not only like getting to know somebody again and having to be like my public self, but also the like starting to have partnered sex again. Like, what if I forgot how to do it?

I have to say it is like riding a bike. I don't think that you're going to forget how to have partnered sex, but I do get what you're saying. I'm feeling that too, just going out socially. It's a lot to get ready and go out, like to manage conversations all around. Like, it's— we all sort of got out of practice. So we also have to have compassion for ourselves and be kind to ourselves and understand that like, it's just an interesting time. And I'm sure that probably the people that you're dating are in the same position as you, and that might be Now I'm thinking about a really interesting conversation to have with someone saying, how is it for you? Cuz right now I'm feeling like this is a new, a muscle I gotta build again.

Yeah. I haven't thought of that. I'll have to try asking.

Yeah. I think that the more real, and that's the vulnerability that we all talk about is like, that's such a vulnerable, real moment. Yeah. Is to say like, this is kind of weird. I, I've got really used to me and my dog. It's a little awkward. Or what do you think? So I think that's the first thing is seeing if there's a commonality there. And, and I feel like you've been doing all the right things. You're listening to the podcast and you said that you were pleasing yourself, that you were masturbating and doing all the things. So I think the important thing is just to be honest and be having sex with people that you feel comfortable with, that you are— are you starting to meet people online or when you're out? How are you meeting them?

Um, a little bit of both. And the situationship from the start of the pandemic has like resurfaced, but just via text right now. And so I'm like, stressed about being like, yeah, you can come over.

I don't know.

I'm just—

you want to see it again?

I forgot how to do it.

I do.

Yes and no. Like, I don't know that he's like relationship material, but like bedroom material for sure.

You want to just have sex with him? I don't think you're gonna forget. Was the sex good before?

It was good. Yeah, I think we were both pretty stressed like about the pandemic and we were both kind of in our heads, but it, it was good and I think it could be better.

Okay. Why did it end?

We just kind of didn't keep in touch when social distancing became a thing. Um, because he was working in the service industry and I actually work in public health. So it was like, we are no contact now.

Okay.

So, okay.

Well, I think that might be interesting. And just to say, I mean, even just saying like, oh wow, I haven't really been with anyone, or this is going slow and remembering to breathe and ground yourself. And I, I've found that once we start to state what's really going on in our heads, whether it's insecurities or anxieties around things, that it clears it. Doesn't become as much of like, I have to act a certain way and I have to show up a certain way. So I think that just being yourself. And so how was your— and I'm also curious about your past relationships and your experience with, with sex and being with partners. Was that something that you had?

Yeah, it was like really easy. And I definitely like never really had any apprehension around it, but now that it's been like so long and the situation, Chip and I, we would use FaceTime and stuff like that. And I feel like I got really good at that kind of like performance piece of it. And now I'm like, how do I like go back to doing it in person? I just feel like I'm gonna look ridiculous or like not be as good. Cause it's like, I, the muscle memory, is it there?

Is it not? It is. I think it, I think you don't forget. I think that maybe for a moment, but we, the great thing I can tell you too, or something to remember is that every time we're with a new partner gives us an opportunity to create a new sexual relationship. What I mean is, if you are present and you're focused on that person, your chemistry, your energy together is gonna create— you'll know what to do. It's like meeting a new friend or when you're like at work, you just, it's conversation skills. And so I feel like it's really about just being present, being seen, and, and then also just letting him know that it might be a little bit awkward. But I think that you're just, it might be something that you're really worried about overly so.

Mm-hmm.

Because I feel that it's gonna be, I feel like you're gonna be, you're gonna be just fine. Because it's like you kind of leave your body in some ways, not in a good way, like you sort of are not— you leave your mind, right? You're not— I think that when you're feeling that chemistry and that attraction with someone, that I think it's different when you're performing or you're on FaceTime. It's like the lights and you can see yourself and it's, it's a whole different— it's really easy to get in your head and be like, this looks good, that, you know, but it's not as much like being with somebody and feeling them and touching them and smelling them and all the things. So I think like it's just such a carnal, primal experience that you're just, I feel like you're going to be okay, know what to do. But if you're having anxiety about it, I would just share that. And, um, and we also have a podcast called First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome, and we talk there about how to, like, if you're doing something sexual for the first time, what to do, which might be helpful for you calming your nerves. Yeah, check it out. But to me, what helps me with anxiety the most is deep breathing, meditation.

Yeah, okay, I'll try it. I'll try to shutting my brain off and maybe talking to him first.

Yeah, exactly. Well, here's the other thing. When you said that you just want him to come in and start having sex right away, is that really what you want? Maybe that's what you had with him in the past, but is that really what you want now? Are you looking for—

No, I think that's like where some of the anxiety comes from, is now it's, oh, I want to hang out and talk first and like maybe go slower than we had in the past.

Okay, so this is it. This is what I was feeling. I actually wanted to circle back to this because you said he's just going to come over because you want to have the sex. But I think that maybe don't have him come over. I was thinking, well, meet him out to dinner, go to, you never got to do that before. Just cause I had a situationship as well. And, um, it's no longer happening, but it was all about being in my, my house during the pandemic and having sex. And it, and it ended for other reasons. But the last thing I wanna do is see him in my house. I'm like, we couldn't go out then. We couldn't go to dinners. We couldn't go to movies. We couldn't go to concerts. So I think if, it's time to test if you actually wanna be with this guy. Because I think if you have a dinner or you go to a show or you do something together, you'll already feel more comfortable. But I think it's that like, boom, I'm here. Like if someone just showed up my door now and wanted sex, I'd be like, I don't know if I'm not even ready for that. You know, it's just, yeah, even in day-to-day life. So I think going easy and stating your needs right now and saying, this is what I need right now. I'm not looking just to hook up and say it however you want, but say, I thought we'd get some dinner first. I thought we'd go for a walk first. I thought we'd, You know, I think that you'll feel comfortable because I think it's this particular situation that's making you feel like you got to perform, and it doesn't sound like it's what you want anymore anyway.

Yeah, I think that might be it. I'll try. Maybe next time I hear from him, I'll just be like, how about we go for drinks first?

Yeah, see if you actually like this guy outside of your apartment.

Yeah, that might be the problem.

Yeah, I think so. That's what's going on. I know. You're welcome. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate it.

Yeah, of course.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you.

Bye. Bye, Rachel. A lot of us have so much anxiety, just anxiety in general, and usually it's fear, like false evidence appearing real. We are so afraid of being rejected or that we're not gonna show up right, or we're gonna do something that's just embarrassing. And I just think that learning to, number one, breathe, like I said, God, you guys, it's a game changer when you really breathe deeply, but also learn to ask for what you want and really drill down. What is my fear? Talking to Rachel, it's like she actually didn't want what he was proposing. Like, I think I used to go people pleasing. I'm nice, everyone likes me. But the truth is it's really a manipulation to get people to like you. So you might as well just state what you want and let partners know if you wanna have dinner first, have dinner. And I wanna say this, you guys remember, just because you even agree to sex and someone shows up at your apartment and you're ready to have sex at your house and you change your mind, that's okay too. You're allowed to say, you know what? I was feeling like I was in the mood for sex, but I'm actually not. I'm hungry. You want something to eat? Like totally okay to switch. And I think as a woman, I never thought that was okay. I was very much raised like, well, I don't wanna get blue balls, or I don't want this terrible thing to happen. But all of that is kind of bullshit. People can handle it. We're all adults. And I think learning the practice of asking for what you want, stating it and, and standing up for yourself is invaluable, whether it's in the bedroom or the boardroom. We're gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, I talked to Karina who's having trouble dating after a toxic, relationship. My heart goes out to everyone in toxic relationships. Just know there's hope and you can heal and move on. Be right back. Hi, Karina.

Hi, Emily.

Let me know what's going on. I'd love to help you. Yeah.

So now I'm dating and trying to find a boyfriend for a few years now. And what's getting in the way of that is that I don't have the most sex-positive attitude, as my first boyfriend I was very emotionally dependent on, and so I didn't stick up for myself. I had sex way too early, and yeah, a lot of stuff happened which I didn't really want to. And so I've basically struggled a lot of times sticking up for myself and saying no to guys, even nowadays. And even though sometimes when I say no, They still ignore it and yeah, it's quite hard. And yeah, I'm working on that. And, but whenever I find a guy which I'm interested in and I don't want to overload them with my baggage and stuff. And it's hard to, to, to date if you're not in a positive mode about sex and stuff like that. And even if you ask the guys to wait a bit, they never seem to be interested in that. Okay.

Have you ever talked to a therapist about any of this stuff before?

Yeah, I am in, in therapy.

Good. Okay. I love that. I think especially as a woman, we are so not taught how to say no. We're taught that if, if we put, put energy out there to, to a partner and once we get started, we can't say no cuz it's gonna upset them or we owe it to them. And that's a practice that we have to learn to say, really be in our bodies and learn what our yeses are and our nos. Like, I know that I live a lot of my life in my head, but when I learn to feel things like somatic experiences in my body and think, what am I actually feeling right now? That our body tells us what is a yes and what is a no. But that's also a, a practice. Like, I think that there's some men who will not be interested in you if you say no, and they only want sex. But those aren't your guys. I think there are some that are gonna say, okay, I hear you. Let's take all the time you want. I really wanna get to know you. And so I'm wondering how comfortable you are showing up in relationships as yourself right now and sharing parts of yourself. And, and I think that they will be interested in what you have to say. Yeah. Tell me more about your experience with that.

So, um, on dating app and Hinge, not Tinder, because Tinder turned out to be not the the good one in my experience. And I tell them right there, like, I'm not interested in a one-night stand. And there are some guys who take that seriously, and some still trying to like have sex on the first date. It's like, it doesn't need to be a one-night stand. And it's like, that's not what I'm here for, you know? It's like, I want to get to know you first. And some take it more positive, but my experience Maybe 5% of the guys, like, who I talk to are willing to wait longer than 3 days.

Wow. Okay. Because you're doing the right things here. You're stating what you need, which I love. I'm trying to think of how we can reframe it. So by saying, I'm not interested in one-night stands, what are you interested in? Maybe we flip that and say, I'm actually interested in getting to know someone. I'm interested in a relationship. I'm interested in— and then just sort of— I think when you state, that's more positive than, like, not a one-night stand. And then also, this is the thing, there's like such a nuance to this, but there's a big difference between a no and a not yet. We don't really know how to calibrate that. Like, I think that sometimes maybe I, for example, you might be with someone and you're making out and it feels really good, and that feels good. You really like the making out or the kissing, or maybe they have their hand on your breast, but then they start to go down your pants and you think, wait, I really liked the making out. So it's a practice saying, you know what, stopping and saying, you know what, Can we just go back to kissing? I was really enjoying that right now. I thought that was really hot and that's what feels right for me right now. But sometimes we don't know. We just say no and we shut it down. It's not just a hard yes or hard no. That no sometimes can mean not yet, not right now. I'll see you next week. Let's go out again. I'm not there yet.

So using your words around what feels good to you, hearing those phrases helps a lot because I'm struggling. Yeah. With, because it's, I love intimacy. I love cuddling and all of those things. And that's for me, a big part of a relationship, obviously. And it's hard to like wanting that, but that most of the time leading to sex, which I'm not always ready for. And it was like feeling like I'm disappointing the other person and I'm leading them on or giving them false hope. And I don't want to do that either.

It's just, absolutely. Again, it's okay to let someone down. And I don't even know that you are, but I think it maybe as a pleaser, I'm a pleaser too. As somebody who wants to, I worry so much on people's feelings and like, oh, are they okay? Or I've had a lot of sexual experiences where I look back at it like, I wish I, why did I do that? And I just did it because it was easier than saying no. So I'm just like, well, I'll just give 'em a blowjob or I'll just have sex right now because it's easier than not. And the truth is I didn't know that it was okay to be like, this is not what I wanna do. Doing it in a way that's true to yourself, I think that would garner so much respect from men that just saying like, I'm not into it right now, or not getting yourself in situations where it is even intimate too fast. Like I pretty much know if I'm going back to a guy's house these days as an adult woman that they're gonna expect sex is gonna happen. And so I just won't do that if I'm not ready. Or I'll just, just gauge the situation, start to let them know that I'm not interested in being sexual. Or I really like cuddling. Like I love cuddling. Like I, it is my favorite thing. Like, Let's go watch a movie. Like, I just would love to cuddle. And like, really, then you get to stick to that. If you said that, you get to stick to it. So I think it's you, you have to like practicing stating what Karina wants and being your best advocate.

Yeah, amazing.

Okay, good.

Thank you very much for that.

Of course, of course.

It's like nowadays it seems to be so not okay to not be comfortable with blowjobs. Everyone's like, oh no, that's easy, just give it, they'll be happy. And I'm like, I'm not comfortable with it. I'm like very picky with food already. Everything that's slimy is like, I can't eat it. And I, for me, obviously also my first having to give a blowjob was forced and that also didn't help and stuff like that. But is it okay to say as a woman, I don't want to have, I don't want to do that.

Or is it like, it's all okay. It's all okay to say, I don't want to give a blowjob. And I would also look at like this fear. I think that you had someone force it on you. It's like, you know, our people are— anything's forced on us, we automatically don't wanna do it. But especially when it comes to sex, your early memories around blowjobs was that it's a forced thing. You weren't even given a moment to enjoy it. And so I think when you're with a trusted partner and you're in a relationship with somebody or someone that you just even just trust and say, I had a bad experience, like being honest, like I had a bad experience with this and I'm open to kind of experiencing again, but I need to go slow. So maybe you just look at the penis and you like lick it, you give 'em a handjob, but you're still, you get closer to it. But I think saying, I don't blowjobs, I'm never going to give one— because I hear from women 20 years older than you who still feel that way because of an earlier experience, and I don't want that to be you. Maybe you don't like it, like maybe you will not like it, and you're like, it's gross, I don't like it. But I feel like you didn't— unfortunately, you had an abusive situation where you didn't get to make that decision for yourself, and I don't want that to dictate your future about anything with sex. That's why I asked about therapy, and there's, there's a lot of like trauma work, like EMDR therapy is a great therapy. People specifically focus on this kind of work so you no longer are getting triggered in that way. I would just say be open to it, but you know, I understand why it's a no, but also saying I'm willing to explore my yes, but I'm not there yet. I think you still get to decide. It sounds like it's, it's been complicated from your earlier experiences.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I think you could just present like, I'm here and I'm learning. I had some experience in the past, but I'm being present with you and I'm, you know, with the next partner and I'm, I'm willing to learn, but I really need to go slow and have really great communication. I wanna talk about things. I wanna this to be consensual. I wanna know what you like. I wanna know what I like, and this is why, being honest.

It sounds amazing.

Okay, good. Well, thank you for your question. Let me know how it goes. Okay. I will.

Okay.

Thanks, Karina. Have a great night.

Thanks, Emily Morse.

I, I really like this call because I, I think Karina is really open and a lot of us need to remember your no. Could be a not yet. And getting that specific is so helpful because sometimes it's even like with initiating sex, sometimes we say no and we don't tell our partners, well, I'm not in the mood for sex right now, but I can't, let's have sex in the morning or let's have sex tonight. And I think that being greater communicators around our desire and around what we actually want as opposed to what we don't want is important. And working on any traumas or fears we have around things is also important because they do stick with us for a lifetime. And especially if you had abuse or trauma in a relationship, it's really important. But I just want to let everyone know that you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them sex, you don't owe them blowjobs or oral sex. And the more we can really pay attention to what our true yeses are and our true nos, and then learn to be our best advocates, the more likely we're going to find healthy relationships and have our healthiest sex lives ever. That's it for That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.