Turn Ons and Turn Offs with Hannah Cranston

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? My man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the Kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can easily subscribe to the podcast. I love when you subscribe and you can also review me on itunes. I so appreciate your reviews. And we, you know, we work hard here to give you really great shows, useful, insightful new information. And, you know, I'd love a five star. But, you know, do it. Do what you will. I appreciate it. It also follows on social media. It's exwithemily across the board. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and Facebook. And then what else do I want to tell you? I want you to go to sexwithme.com podcast and you can see our entire show archive, summary notes. All the stuff we talk about in today's show will be really easy for you to follow along because you guys often email me, like, what was that thing you said? Or what was that toy you mentioned? Or that article? It'll all be up there. And also subscribe to my weekly newsletter so you can stay in the know in all things sex and relationships. Also, you guys, just so you know, week left of masturbation month, and I would you still have some time, you guys. You have until May 31st to email me your favorite masturbation routine. Do you have a special ritual, a A toy that you just love? Do you have, like a music or a scent or like something that really turns you on? Like, what do you do in your masturbate? Because we want to learn. We want to know. And if you submit that to me to feedbackextwithelmy.com if you're over 18 and you can submit it before midnight on May 31, you can win a masturbation month prize. We'll be selecting winners, and my trusty team here at Sex with Emily will pick one. Four. Actually, you're going to get some very pleasurable packages as I'm sure you can imagine. So. Okay, thanks, everyone for joining me. I have a special guest here today, the beautiful and smart Hannah Cranston. Hi, Hannah.

Hi. How are you? I'm fine.

I'm so excited that you're here. I'm good.

I'm so excited to be here.

I know, it's super fun. Okay, so Hannah, if you don't know who Hannah is, which I can't imagine, she's the host and executive producer of YouTube's think tank and a regular guest host on the Young Turks, contributor to Huffington Post, PopSugar what else? What don't you do, Hannah?

I mean, I don't know. I'm excited. I think this is my first in studio podcast. I've done podcasts over the phone, but this is my first in studio.

Oh, my God. This is so fun. Welcome to my studio.

Thank you. It is beautiful in here. Guys. You have to see this. Are there, like, pictures? You have pictures up on your social media?

Well, yeah. Well, we take. We do a lot of snaps during the show and we do them after the show also on Instagram and all that stuff. But we. No, you know, it's so funny. Okay, so in my mind, we moved here about a year ago, but I'm still. It took us a while. It was a white box and there was nothing here. So I feel like the outer area we've done, but this part, I still feel like it needs work. But I'm glad you. You know how it is. It's so close to my heart.

Yeah.

But I feel like I'm glad you like it. I like it. It's beautiful.

Good vibes.

So thank you. It is good vibes. Right? That's what I want. Good vibes, good energy. Good vibes. I'm glad you're here. And I loved being on your show. It was for Valentine's day on your YouTube channel, which is crazy. Like, gabazillion downloads. Yeah.

You did so well. There were so many views because you had so much great information to share to get you back on the show.

I know I would love to do that. And it was the Valentine' and we talked about what to do, what not to do, toys and stuff like that. And that was a good time. So I will come back and you can follow her. Also, Hannah Cranston, C R A N. I should spell it because Hannah can spell, like 16 ways.

That's true.

It's true. H A N N A H, C R A N S T O N For Twitter and Instagram. Hannah Cranston, host for Facebook. This is all gonna be on our website. So. Okay, what the hell is going on with you? What's the latest?

Yeah, the latest is obviously doing Think tank, and you guys can check that out. Think Tank, where we talk about basically whatever is going on in the news recently. Some current events in the political sphere. And then I've been doing some fun Facebook videos for the young Turks that really kind of delve into some more issues. Like, today I covered mandatory minimums, but I've also been looking at, like, sanctuary cities and what really these terms mean. And how people can, like, learn more about what is being talked about in the media.

Well, I love that you do it in such a fun way, too, because you're really fun to watch. You're smart, charismatic, and it's like, there's so much going on now with politics. For better, for worse. I know it's mostly worse, but you make it very digestible for people if they haven't been following. Like, just go check out Hannah and she'll tell you about it. And then she's, like, fun to watch and smart. So it's good, Molly. I mean, it's good. I'm just, like, watching. Watch. I was laughing out loud. Yeah, I do that. I do that. So I laugh with you. So that's cool. So everyone should check that out. And I want to talk to you about. There's so many things, but first of all, when I saw you last, you had just started dating someone. Right. So you're.

I am seeing someone. The same guy now.

Got it. Good, good, good. Because I wanted to talk to you about some. So, like, your generation. So millennials. You're a millennial. I'm not a millennial, but I feel like this is this generation that everybody. We're spending more dollars than we ever have. I think, studying your generation for everything from, like, shopping habits to, you know, political views, but also a lot in sex and dating.

Yeah.

And relationships.

Yeah.

Everyone's, like, fascinated about how you guys. It's so. Either it's just so much more visible now because of all the apps and all that, or you guys are. I don't even know what it is, but there's an obsession with the fact that, like, you know, that you guys aren't. They're saying, you know, you're. You people not having relationships. You know, jumping right into sex, not even caring about relationships. But it's about sex or it's about. I don't know, like, that. That relationships are, like, obsolete. Not for you, but what do you. I mean, do you. What's going on? Yeah.

So it's really obsessed. It's. Well, I mean, we're a great generation to be obsessed, but I think it's really interesting because the thing is, is, like, we're actually having sex with fewer partners than generations prior. So I think it's sort of conflated, I guess, in the media with the fact that we do don't have as much stigmas around sex, so. Because we are a lot more open about sex, and there's not all of these, like, sort of barriers and like confines trying to hold us. And you know, women are allowed to be more free with sex and things like that now than they were. I think that's where people get the idea that we're like just like sleeping around. But in fact, like, we have fewer sexual partners than our parents generation, which is really interesting.

Exactly. No, I find that really interesting because that is what's come out. It's not that you're sleeping around. You might even just be, you know, maybe going on. Lots of. Going on a lot of different dates or dating sites, but not necessarily like having sex because it's. You're right, it's been around or you have a lot of information about it. Is that what you think it is? You're like, yeah, I could have sex any time, but I'm kind of focused on my career, I'm focused on my friendships. Like, why do you think that that's not as much of a thing for you?

Yeah, I mean, I mean, for our generation, I think part of it is because more of us are going to school. So I think we're putting off that. And I think there is the Internet. Right. And so you're not as, like, you don't have to be as curious physically because you can sort of look at some of the information online. And now we have better like comprehensive sex education which shows that like people actually sort of delay sex anyway. So I think those are some of.

The reasons that we're how was your sex education? Like, how did that look?

Well, I went to a relatively liberal west Los Angeles private school. So my sex education was like very thorough, very comprehensive, very sort of like pro choice, all of that, which was great. Cause I mean, I went to an all girls school.

So it was very.

I mean, I think I had a great sex education. Plus I had like really open parents. So when I ever had a question or anything like that, I would just sort of ask them. And they were always.

Do you remember like your first question to them?

I believe so. This is actually a very funny story. I will share it. So I was at a friend's house when I was like in second grade. And we came across her dad's like, dirty magazine, his dad's porno magazine, back when there were magazines. And we were looking through it and she explained to me, she said, I think my dad has this. Cause he never sees my mom naked. And that like, was like, well, I have a very naked household. So that to me, like made no sense in California. Yeah, you know, it made no sense to me. And so I Explained it to my mom when I got home. She was like, well, honey, they have three children, so that's not the case. And then she sort of explained explain sex to me, you know, at a very young age. But I think because she was just so open with it and didn't try to, like, lie to me or, like, tell me some euphemism or anything like that.

Right.

I always just had a very open relationship with her. Yeah, it was super healthy.

I love it. That is funny. She's like, you never get to see my mom. That's the kid's mind. I love that. The way of, like, thinking about it, you know? Yeah. Oh, that's sweet. And I love that. That is kind of a good attitude, though, for parents. It's like. And I'm gonna be doing a lot more about this because I'm. One of my obsessions really is about educating young people around sex, and especially young girls, because we're not told anything. I mean, I was told nothing. So even my parents, they were open. They were like, if you have questions, you can come talk to me. So I always felt I was open. But I feel like the big thing was I didn't even know what to ask until there was, like, a problem. Meaning that my friends were like, you haven't had an orgasm yet. I'm like, what the hell is that? Like, it didn't even occur to me to masturbate. Like, it wasn't even like, oh, I should try this just didn't come across in my head. So, yeah, that's what happened to me. Masturbation. Now I realize, whoa, what the hell was I missing? And we are gonna go shopping in the sex toy closet after. Just so you know. All right, so I was watching your videos on YouTube. Cause they are so fun. And I literally was, like, hours laughing, like, what are you doing? I'm like, she's so funny. But you did the one about five. So it is a lot of political. It's technology. You do a lot of stuff, but you also talk about sex and dating. And you talked about five things guys do that girls hate.

Yeah, that was a. We had to really shorten that list.

Exactly. Right. Well, we can talk about what's missing from this list. And I think I kind of agree. I think this is really funny. So one of them was guys who are like, I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I swear to God, I'm a good guy.

It's like, if you have to say you're a good guy, you are Not a good guy, right? Yeah.

If you feel like you gotta lead with that, like, there's something wrong. People are like, I'm really funny. I'm really funny. Don't you think I'm funny? Same thing.

No, it's the same thing with, you know, certain leaders of the free world who are constantly talking about how much money they have and how great everybody is. Like, if you really have to overcompensate that much, there might be something underneath the surface there.

Exactly, exactly. And even on dating profiles and stuff, when guys are like, I'm a really good guy, and, you know, just like, it's. There's so many. But we're gonna get in dating apps soon. But I feel like that's, like, a buzz thing, right? Like, if you say you're a good guy and what else do guys do on the stand?

My favorite thing is guys who will write, like, on dating apps and thing. Like, I'm a great guy, so, like, don't be a whiny bitch or something like that. And it's just like, what? That's a little ironic there.

Exactly. That's what I was gonna. The guys who, like, diss women, right? Like, don't. Yeah, exactly. What's this whole. My friend's really upset right now because he says on all the apps, speaking of things that guys do, he's upset, upset because all these girls are going, like, no hookups. I don't wanna just hook up. People feel like they have to say that in their apps. He's like, well, if they say they're not gonna hook up, they probably will hook up. I don't know. Like, that's douchey.

But, yeah, I mean, I guess it depends on the app because I think different apps have different sort of reputations.

And so I think if there's, like, an app that you're on that may have more of a hookup reputation and you are looking for something that's more serious, you don't want to be constantly bombarded with, like.

That's what I think, too. But the fact that he was like, I doubt that women just, like, a lot of don't say things like that, but don't. Yeah. At least he wasn't saying on his app. Okay. So also putting other women down to lift up his girlfriend.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to. If you talk about another woman poorly, I think that is sort of like. Especially if you're talking about, like, esthetics or anything like that, I think that's an indication of your respect. For women in general, just like how you, like, look at a guy and how he treats your mom, because that's how he's going to treat you. I think it's the same sort of thing if you're looking at a guy who's critiquing a woman's appearance so harshly and negatively.

Specifically, too. Yeah.

Like, I think that's how they probably. That's the lens that they're looking at you with. And I don't think that is conducive to a positive relationship.

Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I think that's something to watch for women. It's funny because my mom, she didn't give me a ton of advice, but what she said was, look at how he treats his mother and that's how he's gonna treat you. Did your mom tell you that, too? Yeah, 100%. She said that. And so I was like, huh? And it's really interesting, like, when I'm out with somebody's like, yeah, my mom saw my sister. I don't really talk to her. I'm like, doot, doot. Red flag. But then if he's like, you know what? I don't like here. And this is like. I think this is kind of an LA thing. Or maybe guys are just more vocal about it here and they didn't do it in other places. But when they're like, she's an 8, she's a 9, she's 10. Like, guys who rank. I know you guys are gonna do that with each other, but I don't want to hear it. And so do you hear.

I don't want a guy to think about any woman in terms of a number.

Exactly.

Or a letter or none of it. I don't want any of that.

Right. It's true. And also, I want to say to a lot of women, because I've had a lot of friends who've gone through this, and it is a form of being, like, psychologically abusive. If you're the guy who is criticizing your appearance or telling you that you dress differently or do something differently or, like, you know, your skin's messed up or they're pointing things out to you, I just think that that is just a really bad sign to be in a relationship like that where there's this huge focus, you know, women we all can get concerned about. We have our own insecurities. Right. And we're trying to move, you know, it's not just about our looks. We're trying to, you know, we do our best to move through things and stay positive. So if you're the guy that's making you feel bad about this stuff in any way, I think you gotta get out. Yeah, I agree. No, you're too. We don't even realize it. Sometimes it's sort of this insidious, you know, they're dropping these things and like years go by and they're like just shells of their former selves. So I think if women. If you're in a relationship. And that sounds right to you right now, I just did you a favor. Yeah. Okay. This is another one of all my exes are crazy.

Yeah, There's a common denominator there, bro.

Right, Exactly. You are the common denominator. I feel like I can't meet a guy who said, who does. I feel like every guy says, yo, she was crazy. Like, they don't even realize. Like, almost like, well, if she's my ex, therefore she's crazy. It's.

No, yeah, no, I mean, that's a. That's a real big issue. Because like, crazy is one of those terms that I think guys just sort of ascribe to women willy nilly. Because you don't often hear like, oh, my ex boyfriend was crazy, unless he was like legit a stalker.

Right.

But guys can just sort of apply crazy or bitch to women. So willy nilly. And obviously, like, there's so many detrimental effects of that in the way that it is, I guess the way that it sort of describes and disregards, you know, in the entire, like, mental illness community and things like that. Like, it's just like a sick term that guys just sort of use to. To delegitimize women and whatever their needs might have been or whatever their issues might have been in a relationship, like.

It'S effed up totally. And I. If you guys are using that as your default, I think that you should stop and look inside because there's takes two in every relationship and you had a part in that, in the demise of it. Like, there was something that you did and she did and just didn't work together. But it's not because she was crazy. We don't believe you. And in fact, now you look crazy.

Yeah. And just to add on to that, I think guys who talk a lot of shit about their ex girlfriends in general.

I'm not into. Like, I think if you are such a person who can have like a loving and romantic relationship and then something, you know, goes awry, and then you can turn around and say nasty things about them, that's not somebody who I want to be involved with.

Absolutely. And same with women. Women do it too. Yeah. And you're, like, talking about your crazy ex or whatever you say, like, he was an asshole. He was a jerk. Like, I just think especially the first dates or first. When you start dating someone, like, no need to, like, dredge up the past. Okay, so what do you wish was on this list? That wasn't anything come up? I think girl. Guys do that. Girls hate, hate so strong. There's so many.

I know.

I'm trying to think to like, okay, I don't like when guys say, well, Kari, this is a personal thing. But when they pretend that they're not, I think there's this whole, like, casual playing it cool thing. So how about like this when guys like, oh, I didn't check you out on Facebook, or I didn't listen to. I have this whole thing where they like, oh, you have a podcast. I didn't listen to it. But then they say things where I know that they listened or they have done a deep dive maybe, but they pretend they don't know anything or they don't care. Does this happen to you if you. Yeah.

So I've definitely had people who've, like, revealed later on that they, like, checked out my YouTube or checked out my social media, but tried to play it cool. Like, just be honest with what you're doing. And I think that goes across the board, like, from the outset. Like, be honest if you've, like, snoop somebody, but also be honest like, if you're into somebody. Guys try to play it cool. Like, right off the bat, be like, oh, I'm not really that interested.

Can we talk about. That's like the game playing. Yeah.

I'm not a game player.

Not either.

And that really just, like, rubs me the wrong way. Like, the second I feel like you're starting to play games. Like audios.

Exactly. Do you feel like, okay, so I'm sure. Are your friends single dating? Kind of everything across the board.

Yeah.

So I'm sure you talk to your girlfriend.

Good little mix.

Yeah. So I feel like there's this whole to also. Because everything is texting now. Right. And so I feel like there's this whole. Even. This is the basic games, but don't double text wait as long. Have you heard of the wait?

Yeah, you have to wait longer. No double texting. I heard one when I was dating dating last year that you shouldn't have a date, like, especially in the beginning on Fridays or Saturdays, because those are like prime nights. And you're going to indicate that you're too into the person or whatever. So dates have to be on Sunday nights or Tuesday nights.

No. No one wants to go. I work.

I work. I'm sorry. Like, I'm not having a date with you on a Sunday night.

Exactly. You can.

You can meet me on the weekend when I have free time. Thank you very much.

Right. I don't know. Yeah. So I feel like. I just feel like it's. I mean, there's games have been. Been around since the beginning of time, but I think that if you're with someone, you're just honest and you're yourself and you're with somebody and, you know, I think it just saves you a lot of time. I think it makes us crazy, all these, like. And also with texting, no one's really talking, so then there's all this stuff that's happening that we're not even understanding what the other person's saying, and we jump to conclusions. So. And they're not always helpful. I've done a lot about talking about dating apps in the show because I kind of feel like you can't go anywhere without people bringing them up. If you're single, no matter what, if you've been in a relationship for a while and you've just broken up with someone, you're like, what the hell is going on? I don't know how to use these apps. If you, you know, been married, maybe divorced. I have people who are, like, in their 40s, 30s, 20s, like 50s. Everyone's using apps. And I just think that this interesting piece came out that talks about it, but it also gets into, like, relationships around sex and communication, all that stuff. So I wanted to talk to you about this. So this is our sex in the news. It's how dating apps have changed modern relationships. So sometimes it's hard to remember how single people met each other before dating apps. Like Tinder did. We just go out to bars, just bang our friends when we accidentally lingered too long at the house party. That made me laugh because I'm like, yeah, that actually used to happen. I try to think back to, you know, I'm just started doing the dating app. So I think back to it. Like, it was all friends parties. If you went to a party, you were committed to that you were at that party for the night, you'd meet your friends, friends of friends. And way. A lot of the apps do that because they show you your mutual friends and stuff. So that's one reason why it's changed, though, because we go to a party, you might hook up at somebody. But now we're. A lot of us are swiping and we're on apps. So this says, like, the trend is we aren't really looking to date, per se. So asking for a little help finding a partner is hardly new. Where would Patty Stanger of the Millionaire Match Baker fame be if we didn't need expert advice? And I think this is interesting what Tinder changed, racking up 1.54 billion swipes a day more than any other platform, like, literally any other platform, was that it never actually said it was a dating app. So that's really smart marketing. It's, like, killed the stigma of online dating, but not being about online dating. What do you think about that?

No, I mean, I think that's really interesting, right, because, like, for our parents generation, like, online dating is like, such like, if you don't have any other options, you've exhausted all of your options.

You had to go online. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. And so Tinder was that first sort of like, oh, I can just look at other people. And it made it so much more simple, and you didn't have to fill out the online form and all that kind of stuff. And so I think in a way, it sort of, like, circumvented all of that stigma. Now I think it has its own stigma with the whole hookup culture and the whole hookup aspect of it. But I do think that this is, you know, spot on that it didn't. It was able to sort of like, destigmatize sort of online dating apps by just, like, simplifying it.

Simple. Like, you can just swipe wherever you are and just keep going, going, going. And I think the other thing is it says that women can be adventurous in any way she chooses. So since it wasn't called a dating app, and you don't have to say, I'm looking for a relationship, you can just be like, I want to meet someone. That you might figure out that you want to have a lesbian affair or, like, have a threesome or have, you know, maybe you want it just friends.

Or, like, you don't want to meet anybody. I mean, I think for every woman who's gone on these dating apps, like, I think it is the best confidence boost in the world. And it's fun and it's a game, and, like, you can just talk with other people even if you don't want to meet up with them. I think that for a lot of people, that's an option, and I dig it.

Did you. Did you ever you did the apps before you met by. Yeah.

So when Tinder first came on the scene, I tried it, and that was, like, very overwhelming. Very, very quick. Tinder's like, that's. That's a minefield. Right. And then, you know, as I. As I got older and more apps became available, I used Bumble and then I think Hinge before they went under the.

Like, the. Where'd they go? They.

I think they. I think you have to pay for it now or something. I actually have no idea.

I did it for like, a minute.

Yeah. Yeah. So Bumble, I think, was the one that I used most frequently when I was on the. Was it on day to day?

Right. But it can be, you know, it can be overwhelming. But it also says here. So it's very efficient. So. But you can also be. Because if it is a numbers. Gaming. Dating is a numbers game in the sense of you want to be out more, you got to be meeting people. Even if you don't want to be on an app, then that's fine. But still, put yourself out there. Like, put yourself out there a few times a week. Say yes to invites. I would say, like, you know those invites you get on Facebook that you might not go to? You're like, I wouldn't go to that. But then you're thinking, well, I'm single. I'm not meeting anybody. You could. That's a numbers game as well. You go to party, you can meet a lot of people. But when you're on these apps, you're like, I could just keep swiping and swiping. So in a way, it's efficient, but also it becomes like an addiction to novelty without substance. So you keep wanting to get these matches and matches, and you're like, well, there's. I keep matching people, and you get that serotonin rush, that dopamine high, and you're like, oh, I don't really need to, like, settle down to kind of commit.

I think it's twofold. I think that there is, like, the component of it that people who are using these dating apps actually are in more committed relationships than people who, you know, refuse to use dating apps, which is really interesting. And then I think the other component of it is something that Aziz Ansari talked about in his book Modern Romance, which I loved.

Such a good book.

Yeah. And so he said, like, people are constantly looking for that bigger, better. Right. You're constantly looking, okay, like, I'm happy with this person. But is there something better online? Is there somebody who's taller or Smarter, hotter, whatever it may be, whatever you're looking for. And so I think it's a double edged sword.

I do too. I do too. I think like, and it's funny though, because I remember even before apps coming, and I feel like that was always an LA thing, but I think it's everywhere. The bigger, better deal. And I remember coming here like 10 years ago for work and you're like, oh yeah, everyone's looking for the bigger, better deal in la. I think that's, you know, maybe that's everywhere. But also with the apps, there truly is, you can open a date that was a good date, but there's 30 more people I can match with.

Yeah. I mean, I didn't meet the guy that I'm currently seeing on a dating app, but when I was doing the dating apps, if I, what I started doing, which I think really helped me be more present with my dates, is that once I like swiped and I like was connecting with somebody and we were gonna plan to go on a date, I stopped going on the app until like it, you know, dissipated.

That's good.

Yeah, because then you're not like talking with other people and it's distracting. Like you wanna be present with that person and then if that doesn't work out, then you can go back on. But you don't wanna have it not work out because you're like, oh, well, maybe this will work out with this guy or, or this girl or whatever it may be.

Right. Because you're like, there's no like end game. You gotta think about like, what do you want? And I understand also the dating. Through the process of dating you do kind of learn what you like and what you want and what you don't want. Yeah. But then also eventually I think time to like, maybe try being in a relationship and maybe that's not happening as much because we're not really prioritizing it. We're not really, we're just enjoying the dates. I don't know, like, what are your friends saying?

Yeah, I mean, I think people, I think people who just say like, oh, they just want to go on dates and just meet people, I think they're lying, frankly.

I don't want to tell my life story again.

I think everybody really wants to actually meet somebody who they connect with. Right. I think that, I mean, we can say that we want to date and we just want to have fun, but at the end of the day, like we don't want to be in, you know, in bed alone or alone, you know, going to the grocery store, whatever it may be, we want that partnership, and we want that feeling of connection. And so I think that's at the core of. Especially people who are so overzealously claiming that they are only in it to just have fun.

Have fun, right? It's not that fun. Like, I don't want to tell you my life story. Can you just Google it? Right? Don't listen to my podcast, but you can Google my life story.

You know what's fun is watching Netflix on my couch. Like, that's fun. Going on dating, dating is not fun. But having somebody sit next to you and watch Netflix on my couch, that's perfect.

That's exactly what I want. It's so funny when I think of my. We broke up a while ago, like, a year and a half now. A year and a half. And I haven't really. I just started dating again, like, a few months ago. It wasn't because I was, like, home devastated. I mean, he's awesome. It was. It was an interesting breakup, but, I mean, not like a horrible breakup, but I usually was always dating. I was like, I'm gonna take some time. And I actually did what I always advise people to do, which is after a breakup, take time to figure out what you want and prioritize and, like, just take some time for yourself. And I realized when I think back in our relationship, we did a lot of great things. I'm like, I just want someone I can sit and watch TV with. And I know that we did other fun things, but I love cuddling on the couch. I mean, who doesn't, right? That's. No shame to that at all. Okay, so. And then I have a date. I was gonna say, like, I've been dating, but I do find it a little overwhelming. But I've been talking about this a lot on the show, and I'm sorry, you guys. I'll be in a relationship soon, and I'll talk about that perhaps. Do you. Girl, I am doing me. Like, I'm not again. I think it'd be nice to find someone, but I don't put that pressure on myself either. So I think I was always in relationships. So now it's a really interesting time. And I just think. But I think the date. I'm just sort of obsessed with the dating apps thing because I feel like people who are single and are confused by it and they don't want to do it. It's kind of like saying, I want to lose weight and, like, I'm eating healthier and I'm Doing all these things, but you won't exercise, you won't go to the gym. Like, I almost feel like this is this missing component of, like, you should just try it. Like, go on an app. You don't have to do everything on the app, but you still go out. But why not try it?

Yeah, 100%.

And people ask me about it all the time. And then also the last point of this was the sex interview. So what they said was during this match, Match.com says there's singles in America survey that a lot of young people now don't want to spend time going out with somebody unless they get to know them physically first. You can learn a lot about people between the sheets. Are they kind? Can they listen? Do they have a sense of humor? Millennials are using sex as an interview tool and even a courtship tool to jump start the relationship. Have you found that? I know that. Not for me.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm very old school when it comes to this. Like, I want to build up. Yeah, I want to build up the relationship. I want that emotional connection, the talking, all of that stuff before I even get close to the sexual component of the relationship.

But, like, I feel like, right, okay. And I'm the same way.

Yeah.

But these girls, like Jamie who works with me, she says, you know, she's like 23, and she's like, oh, I'm way more comfortable just having sex with a guy than even talking to him. Like, I think I'd rather get to know that. That feels comfortable. And then I'm more comfortable talking. So I'm just wondering, like, oh, so you're like this, this millennial in the study?

Yeah, I mean, I definitely know people who want to, like, what's the phrase? Like, try, like, do a test run with the car before they buy it or, you know, try the milk before they buy the cow. I don't know, there's like some weird. There's gotta be some weird analogy.

I think I'm mixing the milk. Mixing again. Why buy the car if you get the milk for free and then test drive the car before you buy it?

Yeah, I mean, I know there's people like that and there's guys like that too. I've come across, like, when I was dating, and I move like, very slow in that sphere. And I remember a guy telling me, he was like, well, don't we think. Don't you think that we could, like, connect more and, like, move to, like, the next part of relationship if we do have sex first? And I'm like, not for me.

Right. But thanks for watching that.

But you could do that with somebody else. You're more than welcome to. I'll see you later.

Right, Exactly. Right. You're like, I'm out. Yeah, it's true. Right? That's. Yeah.

But there's people who think like that.

Absolutely. And not. Not judging. But I also think that, you know, no judgment how people get along. I mean, if that works for you because you're like, I want to feel comfortable because it is true. I think before you're making like a really serious commitment to someone, you want to have an idea, like how it feels to go for a ride on that pony, on that cow.

Ride that pony, if that's what makes sense.

You want to see if it works. And like, is there chemistry and all that? Because that's like a really, you know, that's a really big thing. But take it at your own pace and don't be pressured into sex and pressured into something because you feel like you should, like, check that box.

And I also think, like, that could almost sometimes, like, mess up your sex life a little bit. Because, like, if you're looking for chemistry and if you're looking for whatever you're looking for in a sexual relationship, I think some of that builds up with the emotional connection.

It does.

And like, when you're talking about like what you enjoy and, and like things like that, and a lot of that comes with like, comfort and like building a foundation that is sort of like intrinsic and having a more like, I don't want to say meaningful, but a more like well rounded relationship.

Absolutely. No, that's. That is absolutely true that it does. It does matter because I think also for women, especially for women, that the more like safe and comfortable we feel with someone and the more that we feel like we know them and that we can trust them, like, the better sex we're gonna have and that can. That happens over time. Like, I don't know, maybe like I've had, I don't know, one night stands. If you really stop and think about it, they're great stories. Maybe it was fun, but, you know, I feel like I was drunk. I don't remember. And it's a great story, but was it not the best sex of your life? Typically from like a quickie or something or quickie with. Or a one night stand or a quickie. One night stand. Quickies have to exist in the world, but typically those aren't the best either. I think you need time to warm up. Like, I feel like the Thing with the quickie sex is that it's exciting, it's fun. You can move, but you're not. I don't know. For me, I'm not gonna have an orgasm. Like, it's in six minutes, but it's fun. We can check the sex off the list. I'm not saying that's all go for two hours, but you understand what I'm saying? Okay, so that's what we're gonna do. Sex in the news. Anything. Any other final. Final words about that? I'm trying to think. I've been. If you have anything final. But I just think that you guys. I think it's. I think it's interesting what's happening right now, and I understand it's overwhelming. I do think that stigma of the hookup apps is there, but I never really understood it, because if you could say no hookups, that could work, but no one's got to go into your head. No one's gonna make you hook up with them. It's like, I never found that guy. I was like, oh, I thought you came on a date with me. We have to hook up. So I just don't want people to feel that pressure and think, like, I'm not gonna do it because it just means that you think I'm gonna hook up because you have a choice.

Yeah, I mean, you. You do have a choice. Obviously, like, with the dating apps and, like, meeting strange people, you should, you know, be careful and, like, do your due diligence on whoever. I mean, I think that's important too. Like, do your due diligence, which is also available with, you know, the Internet and things like that. But just, like, how we have so many options with, like, the news sites that we look at or where we buy our clothes online or whatever. Like, dating is just sort of within that. And so I think we are getting, you know, more comfortable with it. I think the stigma is going away. I mean, there's so many marriages now, and people who have met online.

Three to five. Yeah.

It's absurd. So, you know, might as well join the party.

So true. And I've also heard that, like, three out of five merit. This is gonna be dark. Sorry. But they end because of Facebook. Like, I feel like people cheating people find that their partner is. I was gonna say get off Facebook and get on the apps if that's what you're gonna do. Don't go after someone else's wife or husband. But I've been just hearing these things about, like, old high school boyfriends coming back and that relationships are ending as that. And I'm actually hearing it in real life.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing is, like, with these sort of apps and like, when you're looking for the bigger, better, or with Facebook or whatever it may be, there's always, like, somebody on the back burner, whether it be like, an old flame or if somebody that you're sort of, like, looking onto to see what's next. I forget what it's called. Oh, I think it's called, like, a cushion. That's the new.

That makes sense.

Yeah. It's like you have, like, a cushion. So if you're starting to feel like you are, you know, it's getting rocky with your significant other, people will get themselves, like, a cushioned person to cushion the blow when they break up and they have somebody on the back burner.

God. It's like your safety score or something. Be present. Be in your relationship. Exactly. That's one way to not be present. I could see that. I could see that. Just you guys. Yeah. If you're in a relationship, like, be in it. That's the thing. So many people have, like, one foot in, one foot out. If you're gonna spend, like, be efficient. Be an efficient dater. If you're in it, like, just be in it. What's that like to be completely present with the person you've chosen to date right now without swiping, without checking out your ex from high school on Facebook. See how that goes. Try that out. Okay. Hannah, you're awesome. Hannah Cranston. We are gonna give a shout out to our sponsors now, and then we're gonna get onto some emails. I get a lot of emails from my listeners. I would love your help answering the questions. And thank you, everyone, for supporting my sponsors. I love them and thank you. I hope you do, too. We'll be right back.

Okay, emails. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing. And there are so many ways. Now you can ask me the questions and get this, guys, you can text me your question. Text Ask Emily all one word to 797-979. That's Ask Emily. A S K E M I L Y. Your normal message and data rates apply. You can also submit a question from the sexwithemily.com website just via the Ask Emily tab and do that. You can also leave me a voicemail. You guys, your voicemails haven't been that great. So if you want to leave me. No, it's true.

I'm going to Start leaving you voicemails. I'm going to call you at like two in the morning when I have like a sex question that I need answered as well.

And I'll call you. You can, anytime. My friends, I do that. Like, they know when you're, like, you're always talking to your friends, giving advice. This is not my personal email. Sorry. Hannah's gonna get that. But you guys leave me a voicemail. 818 asksW1. And at the beginning, we started this last year and people were like, they were so great, articulate. Was like a minute or two and now they're just. What are they like? Sex. I don't know what they are. I'm not listening. But they're very long. You could even draft it out first and ask the question. But you can be succinct and ask the question. And we will read that. So. And no heavy breathing because we'll just delete it. Oh, also include. I gotta talk about one thing. I just remember. Include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. All those things are very important, especially your age. And you can always change your name. I'm cool with that. But we need to know age. It matters. Dick pics. I want to talk about dick pics. So I was thinking of people. Heavy breathing. Yeah, I feel like we don't want them, we don't need them, and I get them. I was watching another one of your think tank videos on YouTube about, like, you were joking around, but you're like, I get them. But why? Why are we getting them? We like your penises, like in person. But I'm not sitting here ever going, oh, I wish I would get dick pic right now. Like, never happen.

Said no girl ever.

Said no girl ever.

Yeah, I mean, the thing is, I think it's like a power thing, right? When guys send it to you, the DMs, and they're sort of like exposing themselves to you.

Without your, like, consent essentially. And you're just sort of like, open a dm and you're like, oh, right. And it's not. It's. We don't like it. You may have a very lovely.

I'm sure you do.

And your lady or male or whomever must, may appreciate it. And that's fantastic. But, well, we all really need to see it.

Dick in the Wild. Just showing up when you're like, oh, you know, look at this nice guy. He's asking me a question about his marriage. Oh, and then there's a dick pic in the next One. We don't want that. But it's funny because my friend was in town this weekend from Chicago. She's visiting me and she's married, has three kids. It was like a getaway weekend. So fun. And she, you know, I was doing my snaps and going through stuff and a dick pic came in and I deleted it. She was like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, that was a dick. She's. I saw that. Well, that wasn't. I'm like, I just delete it. She's like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. And then, like, another one comes. She's like, let's go look for dick pics. And so it was just amazing to her that that's like, part of my job. I'm like, well, I don't have to delete all of them. My staff gets a lot of them. Sorry, guys. But also, it's just. I think so that was very funny thing. And also, I will block you if you send me dick pics. I'm not encouraging it, but I think.

What'S the end game? Like, sometimes I get some like, hey, like, check this out. Or like, hey, I live in this state. Like, do you think I'm gonna see your, like, disbodied, like, disembodied penis and just be like, you know what? Forget this life. I'm moving to Oklahoma. We're gonna have a family together, and this is gonna be happily ever after. Like, that's not gonna happen.

I'm buying a plane ticket now I'm out the do. Yeah, it's really not gonna happen. I feel like for a lot of guys, it's like they, they love. They're so excited. Like, kind of like a cat. Like a, Like a cat or something who brings in like a dead mouse and they're like, oh. And they come in if you have a cat. Like, look at my mouse. Look at my mouse. I'm so excited that I killed it. And you're like, oh, yeah. Like, that's great. I think men are like, it's my penis. Great. It's so great. I love it. Do you love it? Yeah.

But I have a feeling that the guys who are sending DMs or snaps of, like, peanut. Maybe snaps is different, but like, DMs, like, I am not convinced that they are sending pictures of their own penis.

Every single day because I've never seen.

Like a, you know, an average length penis, like, set. They're always like, absurd.

Right?

You know what I mean?

Like, just getting them from that's what that's like. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't investigate them that. That carefully. But. But you're right. They're never like. I'm not, you know, I get what you're saying. You can tell if it's a different kind of penis they're sending. Like, they're plagiarizing. What is it called? I guess they're plagiarizing people's dick pics. Okay, whatever it is, don't steal dick pics. Don't send your own dick pic. Okay, let's get into emails now that we cover that really important subject. And women, you should not send pictures of yourself either. Even if they're solicited, ever. I never have. Especially with your face.

I think if you want to send a picture and it's like, consensual and somebody's asking and you're down for it and you're old enough to not feel, like, pressure to do what you will, but I feel like, don't do it unsolicited.

Don't do it unsolicited. But even. Okay, so this is a whole nother topic, but Which I won't get into. But I think even if you're in a relationship or casually dating someone, that's like this currency. If a guy asks women, like, I should send it, but I just want you to know that the second he gets it, he's gonna turn to who's ever next to him and show it. Guys, they do that. Yeah.

No, I mean, I've been there.

I've been that person. I'm like, I don't need to see that.

Yeah. I think that. That women do it too. There's a risk that you, you know, should be willing to. To deal with if.

Just be cool with that. Just know that if you send it and it's empowering and you love your body and that's. You could send it, but just know that it's not private. Right. Yeah. Haven't heard about that. Okay. Would you. You know, we all know what happened with the. What was it? The icloud and all that stuff. So.

Yeah, the fappening.

Fappening. Thank you. Hi, Emily. I'm not crazy about sleepovers, and I definitely don't like it when a man cuddles up to me while I'm trying to sleep. When a guy does sleep over and I explain how I don't enjoy cuddling, they think I'm kidding and do it anyways. How can I get it across? I Don't want to be touched when I sleep. Better yet, how can I get the guy I'm dating not seriously to leave when we are already laying in bed together and it's the middle of the night? I don't want it to come off as I'm just in it for the sex. I just don't do sleepovers. Julia, 22, Florida.

So I'm not a big sleepover fan either.

Really?

Yeah. So I totally get this. And I think it's really honestly about having that sort of, like, open communication, like, with a guy I'm seeing. Like, we talk openly about, like, I just don't sleep as well when there's somebody else in my bed. There's nothing wrong with that. That's nothing against him. That's nothing about me. It's just, like, I really. I like you, but I also really like sleep.

That's the thing. I think you guys not do sleepovers or just on the weekends every once in a while.

Yeah, just on the weekends. Not on school nights, right?

No, because you got to bring all your stuff over, and, like, I forgot my shoes. You got to run back and forth. But I feel like sleep issues has become a whole thing, because I don't feel like sleep issues have. They've gotten so much worse that people just really are so tight, like, need their beds. Neither really. I feel like I didn't. I never heard questions like this before. And I think, like, we're not sleeping. I think we're drinking too much coffee with too much anxiety, too much stress.

Yeah, that's a possibility, too. And I think with, like, the cuddling thing, because I used to hate cuddling. It was so not my thing. I felt like it was, like, stifling. I felt like it was holding me down. But I've found that with the right person, that you start to like it. Yeah. So, like, with the guy, like, I never really liked cuddling. I didn't like being held. I didn't really like any sort of, like, a lot of physical affection. But then with him, like, we are so, like, absurdly, like, like, physically affectionate with each other and, like, cuddly. And it was. And it was okay. And it was, like, natural for both of us. And I like it now. So I think it's, like a person.

It could be a chemistry thing, a comfort thing. Maybe you, like, feel safe with him and you feel. Cause it's an intimacy thing. So, Julia, so when you're cuddling, that is. That is a very intimate act. I mean, you're having Sex with them. But also cuddling is like, you feel a connection to them, and you feel safe, and you. You want to be with him. It sounds like none of you said, this guy's not very serious and you want him to leave. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. And also, not wanting to cuddle or do sleepovers is, if that's where you're at right now. But I just think you got to be honest and just say to him, listen, this is so fun. I love having sex with you. I'm not. I really need. Like, it's hard for me to sleep with other people in the bed. This has been fun. I like you. I don't want you to, like, think about it any other way. I just, like, really need my sleep. I gotta get up early. And, you know, I'm super psyched to hang out with you and have a good time. Have them go. I mean, let them know ahead of time so, you know, they're not, like, taken aback and you're not, like, kicking them out. You can, like, let them know this is amazing, or tell them no at dinner. Like, I got an early day tomorrow. That's what it says.

I think you should be upfront. Like, especially as a woman, we're so concerned that our needs are so, like, absurd or so, you know, excessive, and we're gonna call it needy. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with having your needs and communicating them. I think that's actually really important. And being okay and not thinking that you're needy and saying, these are totally acceptable. I just am aware of what I need from a relationship, and if you can't fit that, then I'll see you later.

I think that's a great point. I mean, Julia, you're 22. I think it's. I love that. I think that's great practice for you as well, because, Hannah, I love that point. I think that we're so not comfortable communicating, and we put them on the back burner. We think, like, we want to be liked, we're going to be judged because we are often told that we're excessive and we're extreme. And so I think that when it comes to relationships and sex, which is mostly we talk about in the show, is we give people permission to ask for what they want and to be okay with it, to feel comfortable that it's also. It's practice because we're not taught how to do this. So, Julia, the sooner that you just start saying, hey, listen, I want you to do this, like, with the guy that you're sleeping with tonight, Julia. I'll just be like, hey, so. Or this weekend. So this was fun. I want you to know that. Just. And don't explain it. Just be like, I have a hard time sleeping with other people in the bed. This is really fun, but you're gonna have to leave in the morning. Done. Stop talking. State it. And it's gonna get more comfortable, not only in your relationships, but in everything else you do. And no apologies. Remember we talked about that.

No apologies. Don't say, I'm sorry.

Don't say I'm sorry. So it's funny. So I'm remembering when I saw you on the show. On your show. I tried. I say that around here, too. I was like, you guys just. Women just automatically say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And I really try not to. Although I still do it, but at least I'm more conscious that I do it. And I think that men are going around, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Because we're always apologizing because we think we're too much, taking too much space. I just think it's a good practice for women to just. And I know that I've probably done it six times, say perhaps, but I'm working on it. And there was one more thing. You told me not to. I remember this.

Don't say. Just.

Just.

Yeah, I just think I just wanted. Da, da, da, da. Don't. That's sort of like. I guess. I don't know the right word, but it essentially is saying that you don't think that what you have to say is worthy of asserting it in a more powerful way.

Exactly. It's, like, already, like, taking a few notches down. Like, I'm just asking because I wanted to see if it's okay. No. No, Joss. No sorrys. I could end the show now because those are two really good examples, but I'm not going to go ahead. I'm not going to end it. But think about that. And for guys, too. If you're saying I'm sorry. Hey, Emily. I recently dove deep into online dating, and I'm having a blast. In the past, I've been pretty reserved about my sexual partners, but now I'm ready to try some new things and not be such a prude. I recently met a guy and hooked up with him after three hours of meeting and two glasses of wine. Before I knew it, he was going down on me, which was great. But when it came to my turn to go down on him. I got nervous. I'm super paranoid about STDs, so when it comes to doing the deed, I always use a condom. But it feels awkward to use when during a blowjob. So my questions are, is there any way to bring up STDs to a guy you just met without completely killing the mood? Are condoms necessary in general? What am I risking not using one for a blowjob if I go down on a guy without a condom? Have I already exposed myself to whatever he might be carrying to negate condom use for sex? Natalie. 29, Hawaii. Okay, Natalie, you do gotta bring this up, because talking about safe sex, I think is so important. And again, something that you gotta practice. It's not easy. None of us want to talk about it. I get it. We're in the mood, and it can be a buzz scale. So I think that you gotta bring it up when you. Not on the first date, but when you know things are gonna get like, you know, could happen that night, or you're gonna go, this was one day. Always have. Gonna get hot and heavy. Heavy petting. Simon always says, happy pet. Would you guys happy petting in the backseat? So I think that. Be prepared, I guess bring your own condoms, which is great. I love skin condoms. They're amazing. And yeah, I mean, here's what I think.

So, like, if you. Whenever you want to have sex, I am all for it. Right? Like, as long as it's consensual and you feel like, in a great mood, like, do your thing, girl. But you're also, like, about to let a person inside of your body or put their body part inside of your mouth. So if you are not comfortable enough to talk about whether they have a sexually transmitted disease, I don't think you should be comfortable enough to let their body part inside of you wherever you put it.

Right? Absolutely. That's a great.

That's my.

That's my thing. So. Right. So how would you. How have you done in the past? When do you bring it up?

I bring it up before we have sex. I have never had a sexual relation with a man without asking about his STI history and sexual history before.

And then does he. If he's like, no, I'm clean. Do you trust him? And then go without a condom?

No.

Have you always used condoms?

Pretty much, yeah. I pretty much always use condoms. Yeah.

I mean, I think they respect. Maybe guys are hoping you're not gonna ask, but you have to, like, really, like, they. If they don't ask, it's not because it's probably because guys like, oh, it feels better without it doesn't matter. Like, how does it feel with an std? So you can't tell by looking. And you can do your best and ask about the history. And what you could get is. Here's the other thing, you guys. I don't want to bring it down, but you can get STDs from a blowjob. You can. And from oral sex, you can get, like, hpv, chlamydia, gonorrhea. So you want to protect yourself. I get that Dental dams and condoms during blowjobs don't sound fun. I don't think that a lot of people do that, but you could. You could wrap a dental dam around it or a condom. But I get that you. You know, I don't know anyone who really does that, to be honest. But that is. I hope, if you are really that concerned about it, then you absolutely should. But definitely, definitely during intercourse. And know if you give them a blow job without a condom, it doesn't mean that you should. Oh, I'm safe now. Because whatever you're going to get from the blow job, you're not going to get from intercourse. It's not true. So you can still, like, there's semen. There's more of it inside of you. There's more things that can happen than just contracting it through your mouth. So just use condoms. Just bring them with you and ask it. I'm telling you, the guys, there's. He's with you, he wants to have sex with you. And if he's. Guess what? If he's turned off by the fact that you brought it up, his history and using condoms, he's not the guy for you. Right.

And also, like, if you think about, like, a guy, if he has the choice whether to, like, have sex or get head with a condom versus not at all, I think they're probably gonna choose the former.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Guys love the head. They love the head. I'm just whispering. Okay, great. So thank you, Natalie. Okay. Dear Emily, my wife and I have been married for over 15 years. We didn't talk about sex, as in not even saying the word sex. That is, until I was ready to leave the relationship. I guess we both figured we had nothing to lose at that point. Once we actually talked about it, I discovered that my wife felt like I bullied her into having sex every time we did it for about 10 years. Needless to say, she doesn't enjoy it. However, we both want to stay in the relationship. I'm a little mad at her for not speaking up. Although in her defense, I probably wouldn't have listened. But I'm also furious with myself for being so selfish and for not picking up on the signs which seem so obvious in hindsight. I want her to have a good, healthy view of sex again and of our relationship in general. How do I even begin? Thanks. J38, Texas.

Yeah, that's. I mean, that's a tough one. I think women have this, like, really messed up view of sex because we're told for so long that we're, like, not supposed to enjoy and if we do, we're a slut and all these, like, silly things. And so that when you get in a relationship and you get married or whatever, then all of a sudden you're supposed to be obsessed with it. And so it's like you get so many mixed messages before, and then you're supposed to turn around and have a completely different viewpoint. So you're obviously going to have, like, some complexes about sex. And I think it's really important to have sort of that open communication and be like, you know, listening to. To sex with Emily so that you can.

Yeah.

So that you can, like, learn how to have those conversations and figure out what works for her and how you can feel like you're having sex and everybody's like, super excited about it.

I know, exactly. That is interesting about how we're brought up, that we have to always like it and then we don't. And we're so confused about sex. I mean, my thing is that we just. Here's the thing, Jay, is that we are not taught to prioritize sex in relationships, which is something that I talk a lot about in the show, is that we talk about everything else with our partners. We talk about buying a house together and should we raise children and what religion should we raise them and what color couch should we get? But sex is something that he did not utter for 15 years in his relationship because we don't know how. Just like we don't know how to talk about STDs. And so I'm just saying, like, you gotta start talking about it early on, right away. It's never, ever too soon to talk about it. But what I love about this email, Jay, is I just wanna thank you because a lot of people can and probably really they'll really benefit from your story because I think they can relate to sex kind of going, you know, falling by the wayside after 15 years. But what I love about you, Jay, is that he was Able to see his part in it. And I saw your internal struggle. Cause you're like, I'm mad at her for not telling me, but yet I feel like, you know, I feel bad that I bullied her. And I probably wouldn't have listened anyway. So that was like, a very mature statement, Jay. So, like, I love that. And I understand that you feel selfish and how you let it happen, but. But you're so not alone. Because it's very rare and very remarkable that you've come to this place. So now it's all about repair. Because there's been a lot of stuff that, you know, I want to say there's been some damage that's been done. And it's hard just to pick up and say, okay, we talked about sex. You know, let's start having sex again. I just love that you guys are talking about it. And the reason why a lot of couples stop having sex is because. Well, for a million reasons, they don't talk about it. But also resentments build up. So it sounds like she. You know, it could be something from years ago. It could be not even just one thing, but maybe she felt bullied and then she told you, and then you, like, did it again. And then she just built. She's like, I'm. I'm just gonna avoid it. Cause you're saying, let's have sex tonight. Why. Why are you on your phone the whole time? You don't wanna have sex with me? I mean, I don't know how you bullied her. I'm sure it was like a verbal bullying, and it made her feel bad about herself. And so there's other issues at play when people stop having sex. Typically it's. Cause it's a symptom of something else. So it's not just like, the sex was horrible. It's like, maybe she. You guys have kids and she was, you know, stressed out and who knows what. But I just want, you know, you guys aren't gonna be able to snap your fingers, and you're gonna start having this mad, passionate sex again. I'm just telling you, like, I'm telling you how it is. But I think it's important for you guys to go back and remember the connections that you had at the beginning. Because we all love that honeymoon phase, like that early part when things were so amazing. And it's really hard to get. You're never gonna get back to those first six months to 12 year to 12 years, to two years. Because that's kind of biology speaking. But you can get Back to getting to know each other again. Like I would say to you, J, take sex off the table for like a month, the two of you. I know that seems like crazy, but you've been having, you know, not a lot of sex the last 15 years anyway, and you can start to kind of get to know each other again. Like if you take sex. And I think this works for a lot of couples when sex becomes a problem, but especially for you guys, start kissing, start the foreplay, start like doing massages and exploring like what other erogenous zones are like your kids. Like you're just sort of not kids, but you're newlyweds or you're just starting to explore again because you can kind of channel that excitement again. You know that having. I'm telling you, you can't have sex. So it's like the forbidden. So now you got to focus on her breasts and you got to focus on different erogenous zones. Maybe you didn't know that her left nipple was more sensitive than her right nipple. So just slow down, take the pressure of sex off. Go back to kissing. Like kissing is the first thing dating.

Like take romantic date night and try to connect and communicate and start the communication that's like not around sexual first. And then that'll slowly lead to something that's more physical. But like she needs to feel connected to you emotionally first, I think, or physically. And then feel like she can open up about talking about what works for her and what doesn't work for her.

Right. No, I think that's a great. That's a. All these things matter. Dating, getting out of the house, taking vacations. Vacation sex is great. Like taking time away. Yeah. Maybe go on dates, special dates once a week. And don't have sex like that. Start to bring that now if you guys can't get past this stuff, jay, like, because 15 years is a long time for these resentments to build. You might need some therapy. Nothing wrong with that. I think every couple in a long term relationship need a little therapy. You need someone else to come in and say, hey, you guys have been having the same fight for 10 years. Here's another way to think about it. Boop. And they do that. So again, no stigma with therapy. So great advice there, Hannah. Thank you, Jay. Let me know how it goes. And Jay, I'm glad you guys made it this point. So it's just going to get better from here, I promise. Can we have a virgin question? Dear Emily, I'm a 25 year old virgin. I've been a Very sexual person. I enjoy watching porn and I masturbate regularly, but I have delayed having intercourse until I was with a person who I was comfortable enough with. I'm crazy in love with my boyfriend, and I know this is the person who I want to have sex with for the first time. He knows my personal story and is very understanding and accommodating. While I know my body well in terms of sexual gratification from my solo experience, I really don't know what to expect from a partner. What advice can you give me? Love the podcast. Faithful Lister Lily, age 25. Miami Lily, I love you. I really was reading this. I'm like, I want to hug. Lily, you're amazing because I'm sure you're a loyal listener because you took the time to get to know your own body. And this is what I always tell women and men. You guys think you know your body. You probably don't as well as you could. But for women especially, we think someday my prince will come and so will I. I'll be with this guy. The orgasms are going to flow, and it doesn't always work that way. So I want to help reframe your question, because she's asking, what can I expect from it? And I don't think it's about what to expect from a partner. I think it's more about what do you both want? Which is something for you both to discuss. Because when you have these expectations of having sex for the first time and you think it's going to be like, unicorns and flowers and amazing, like, not typically. Not the first.

I don't know anybody who's had that experience for the first time.

Do you remember? Like, do you?

Yeah, I mean, I think it's, you know, especially if you're, like, younger or whatever it may be. You know, it's. It's awkward.

It's awkward. Like, it's not going to be right.

But it's awesome that she's already comfortable with her body. I think that's something that's a huge issue, is like, when. When you're not comfortable enough with your own body, and then you're like, next to somebody else who's naked and they're not comfortable with their body.

It's just like, oh, my God, it's a disaster. It's like, where of these parts go. I totally. I totally got it. And so I think, like, use a condom. Go slow. Go really slow. Like, do all that. You said you've been very sexual. Do all that stuff. Like, I don't Just jump right into the sex. Talk about it, about ahead of time, about what you, what you guys both want. But it sounds like, you know, he's your boyfriend and you're with him. I mean, I think that you're in a good place because acting. What to expect. Again, expectations are what will really hurt us a lot. We have these expectations that we think it's going to be amazing or all these things, the fireworks are going to go off. Like, Like, I'm gonna tell you right now, that's probably not gonna happen. So really just reframe. Like, what do you guys both want from it? Make sure you use protection.

I think you have so much control over that. Right? Like, if you are comfortable with your body, like, and you have these quote unquote expectations, like, show your man what you like or tell him what you like. And then you can sort of like have a. Have a pretty big role in what?

The outcome. Exactly.

No pun intended.

Exactly the outcome. Who's coming? I mean, I love this because that's. I always talk about mutual masturbation. You can just show him and be like, babe. Because he probably doesn't know. I mean, even if he's had sex before, I'm telling you, guys of all ages have no idea. And every woman's body is different. We're like snowflakes. So if you put 100 woman in a room and they're all masturbating, they would all be doing something different. Their fingers would be moving in different directions. They might be using inside, outside lube, no lube, toys, who knows? But it's all different. So there's no way he could know your body for all of us and. But for Lily. So I would say show him. If you're in the moment, you're like, oh, I remember this feels good for masturbation. Like, move that way. Put his hands where they need to be. You'll be great. It's gonna be a good time. Okay, we've got another question here about porn. Hi, Emily. I love your show and I'm actually listening to you now. I'm happily married. We have amazing sex and always have and lots of lube on the nightstand. Backstory. I've been masturbating since I was a little girl. I love it. And I've always been super in touch with my body. I and pleasuring myself. Even married, I make plenty of time for self love. I love porn and watch fairly regularly with and without my partner. During this past year, I've been watching a more dominating genre of porn. Than I ever imagined I'd be attracted to. I've always enjoyed girl and girl, but now all I want to watch is aggressive domination of women. My orgasms are so much stronger and I get super wet when I watch this more taboo porn. As soon as I have an orgasm, I immediately want to close my laptop because I feel terrible about what I'm watching. I would never want a man do these things to me in real life, but I can't help but being turned on by this. Is this normal? Why do I love it so much? Thanks for touching on such unique questions and allowing for a safe space to ask them. Communication is a lubrication. Warm wishes, Ashley. Ashley, this is a really great question. I think a lot. I talk a lot about fantasies and porn and all this stuff, and there's a lot of fantasies that we have are things we watch in porn that we don't actually want to happen in real life.

Yeah, I think that's like the biggest thing for people to remember is that your fantasies don't necessarily mean that that's what you want to live out in life. So from that article, I mean, from that question, it sounds like she's in a heterosexual relationship, right? So girl on girl. I don't know if you necessarily want to live that out in life, but that's not as stigmatized or you don't feel as, like, dirty as, you know, watching something that's more like dominating. So I think you can just, like, approach it in the same way. It's just because you don't want to. Something turns you on doesn't mean you necessarily want to live it out or you should feel, like, dirty about it. I mean, there's like, there's a lot of different kinds of porn. You know, there's.

What kind of porn do you watch? We said we could talk about this, so.

So.

Well, on Think Tank, we cover a lot of different kinds of porns and what different people are into. Right? So, like, incest porn is really popular. There's clown porn, there's giant test porn. Like, I think people who are watching this don't necessarily want to have relations with their mother. Right? But there's some, like, something about it. Some like, Freudian thing or whatever it may be that turns them on. They don't necessarily want to have sex with a giant. Like, that's not even a realistic sexual outcome. But the thing is, is that these, you know, you can't really, you know, decide what turns you on. And so that's okay to be turned on. What it is by what you are and accept yourself. Don't judge yourself just right.

Don't. That's the thing. It's this shame and this guilt, which I always hear from a lot of men, actually. They're like, oh, I masturbate, then I feel awful after. And I, like, shut the laptop. So that's funny to hear. Not funny, but interesting. I mean, to hear this, Ashley, because I just want, you know, there's a lot of shame that we all, like, hold around sex that we're, you know, could come from religion, from childhood. We just feel bad about it. We feel like we respect our partners and are we cheating on them with porn? But I think that actually fantasy. Having a healthy fantasy have. Having a healthy fantasy life is a cornerstone of having really great sex life. It's really important to be able to, like, think sexy thoughts and get yourself in the mood for sex. And I love that you're masturbating. So I feel like, you know, this is kind of an extension of the. The whole, like, domination thing. Like 50 shades of gray, for example. Women loved it. Why? It's not because they wanted to date Christian Grey per se. They didn't want to be in a dungeon and be hurt, but they kind. They liked the idea of being taken by a man. A man, like, lusts after you so badly. He has to do everything just to have you. It's kind of like that. That whole, like, we want to just be taken. We want to be worshiped and adored and all that. So it's. It's not. It's. This is very common for women to be into this kind of porn, Ashley. So there's really nothing wrong with it. It just. It doesn't mean that, you know, necessarily, like I said, that you want it. And also you. If this is something that you're interested in, some kind of, like, domination, but not necessarily what you're seeing, you can easily, like, use handcuffs, try a blindfold, you know, watch it with your partner and be like, that was cool. And there's might be some of this that I want to take away. Like, maybe there's part of it that you. You do want, but if you don't, that doesn't matter either. I just think it's actually that great that you found some things that really turn you on and that are intensifying your sex life and will also bode well for your regular sex, for your sex life. Beyond masturbation, it's healthy to have things to pull up. There's a lot of women who are like, I don't know what turns me on. So I think you're in a good case scenario, Ashley, and totally normal. That's why you love it. You're fine. Keep on going. Ashley, it's awesome. That's what we got time for. Hannah, you're awesome.

Thank you so much for having me on the show. This was so fun.

I know, it's really fun. Really fun having you here. You're amazing. You're doing great work. Everybody has to check you out all over Hannah Cranston. Yeah.

It's very simple.

Yeah.

YouTube, come say hi on Instagram or Twitter, Hannah Cranston. And then on Facebook, Hannah Cranston host.

Exactly. This will all be on the site. Check out. We're gonna do a little video right now. Check this all out. Thank you everyone for listening to the show. I love you all. It's been so great, you guys. Thanks to all of our new listeners. We've had so many great new listeners. Hearing from you has been amazing and thank you to my amazing team and thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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