Valentines, Vibrators & Vulvas

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily.

What can you do to make sure that even if it's for an hour, you focus on your own pleasure? Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual.

All right, Valentine's Day right around the corner. Listen, whether you're living your best single life or maybe you have a special someone, I just want to set you up to have a sexy love filled day. Even if you don't want to cash this in on Valentine's Day, I know that in this episode you're going to get super inspired to take some of these suggestions and use them throughout the year. I. I'm sharing some of my hot tips for creating an ideal date night. Regardless of who it's with. Could be with yourself, a lover, a partner. I cover everything from toy recommendations to thoughtful personal gifts you can give yourself or a loved one. I also Answer questions about how to prep for anal sex, how to get back into dating in your 40s, and why your wetness doesn't always equal arousal. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. You could do it. It helps you just kind of really get the lessons of whatever it is that you need to learn from this show. So it could be, oh, I want to get some ideas for what to do when I'm alone on Valentine's Day. My intention is to help you create love filled romantic moments, whether it's on Valentine's Day or just Tuesday night. All right, Enjoy the show.

All right. It's February, and I always know because I go into the drugstore and then you see the hearts and the candies and all the things and you think, okay, it's Valentine's Day and this is the month that we're celebrating love. Or maybe it's the month where you're like, God damn it, it can't. Valentine's Day cannot pass quick enough. I don't have a partner. I think it's stupid. It's just a Hallmark holiday. And listen, I'm with you. I was reflecting that this is my 16th Valentine's Day show going into the 16th year of sex with Emily. So I, I've covered Valentine's Day and talked about it a lot. But I'm going to tell you this. No matter what you choose to do with Valentine's Day, if you choose to participate in Valentine's Day or it's a day that you are, like, not that into or maybe you're not in a relationship, I believe that is the one day of the year that's asking you to focus on, well, first love. And it could just be the love to yourself. Self pleasure, self love, self care. What can you do for yourself? But also a day of sex, just like in Halloween, you know, it's that one day you can dress up and wear something that you maybe wouldn't wear any other time of year. I feel like Valentine's Day is like, okay, you want to try something new in the bedroom? You want to try that new toy you got for yourself? By all means, go ahead on February 14th. So if you're going to be by yourself, which is totally cool, I'm right with you there. What can you do to make sure that even if it's for an hour, you focus on your own pleasure? Just remember that we really need to have compassion for ourselves and make sure that you make a plan to do something Whatever makes you feel good. Maybe you have a gift certificate to a massage and you haven't used it yet. You know, go, go get a massage. Spend time with your friends. Invite your friends over to watch a movie or something that, you know, make. Make you laugh. Get your favorite food. Splurge on something that you' of holding back on. Because, listen, we all work hard. We're all trying to make it through this challenging life. Get yourself something that is the ultimate act of love. Giving yourself an orgasm. Plan for it so you don't find yourself feeling down. Now, if you're in a relationship, there's always this pressure, right? You think you have to be a mind reader and figure out what your partner wants, or you have to figure out what to do because you don't have plans. But I think we should just all chill out on Valentine's Day this year. Make it less stress and more about love. I think that having an experience together, a shared experience around Valentine's Day, goes so much longer and means so much more than a really expensive dinner and some flowers. That's what I think, and that's what works for a lot of couples. And it's a great practice, too, because I think the reason why we don't have these special sexy nights at home is because we don't really know where to start. We're nervous to have the conversations. We're kind of happy with missionary position anyway. But if you plant the seed and you say, hey, Valentine's Day is this weekend, let's plan on doing something together. You could even do the yes, no, maybe list that we have on our website, which is a brand new yes, no, maybe list. And you could download that and you could do it together. And it asks you all these questions. This could be your precursor. You could do it if you could do it right now. And then on Valentine's Day, you choose a few of the sex acts that you've agreed upon that you both want to do, right? It has everything on it as anal and oral and cuddling and kissing and spanking. And maybe you'll find that you both want to talk dirty more. And then you can say, okay, Valentine's Day, we're going to try one of these things. And you can also fill out the yes, no, maybe list on Valentine's Day. I'm just trying to give you all the elements so you can whip this into whatever Valentine's Day recipe you want. But I love the idea of, of trying out something new using our yes, no, maybe list. Perhaps downloading our brand New Pleasure Planner, which is on the site. And you can download that. You can fill it out with your partner and start to think about all the things that gave you pleasure in the last year. What was the most memorable times you had sex? What are your fantasies? What do you want to try in the next year? And you could sit and fill it out together while you're having some sexy appetizers and having a glass of wine. And. And just remember, if you do go through the Pleasure Planner, like, remember to plan things like vacations or dates or, you know, schedule dates. Schedule sex for eye care. I mean, listen, if you schedule sex, you know what's gonna happen. So looking at something like the Pleasure Planner, you can say, okay, we're going to know that Saturday nights, unless further notice, that's gonna be our nights. And Wednesday morning, think about what kind of fun conversation starters. If you're with a partner, you probably haven't been talking about it lately.

And.

And make it fun and light. It's those little romantic gestures. It's taking things outside the bedroom and making your house a playground for a fun, sexy night. So I also want to tell you that we have a gift guide that we put a lot of energy into this year. A lot of time making sure that we covered the grounds for something for yourself, for your partner. And we have a whole range of things. No, it's not just sex toys, though. Those are on there as well. And I thought, what if I kind of walk through some of those things with you and we create special date night. So the first thing is you always want to set the mood, right? Even if restaurants are open where you live. I just think, save your money and do something fun at home. I love the idea of creating a picnic in your living room and getting all your favorite foods or cooking a meal together. You know, this is a night, if you're in a relationship, plan on seeing each other. But I think we don't have to make it so difficult. We can say, you know, you know, let's meet at my house and get here at this time. And then think about setting the mood, lighting a candle, have some food ready to go and have all those sensory elements out. Maybe it's like I said, it's a candle. It could be some of your favorite foods. You could have a playlist. Maybe you could make your partner a sexy playlist of all the songs that make you think about them. And you play that, you know, light a candle. Something that we have, which, you know, that I love, are massage candles. That's Also in our gift guide, we have one by Maude, and they make delicious massage candles, which are probably one of my favorite sex accessories. Cause you light it, it sets the atmosphere, it smells amazing. And then you blow it out and you pour it on your partner, and it is just a delicious, sexy experience. Maybe that leads up to a massage later in the evening where you're pouring the warm massage oil on your partner and then you're using, like a vibrator over it. You know how good that feels. A vibrator over the warm oil. And then you can rub your bodies against each. Plan a night that you both are looking forward to. You know, I always say foreplay all day. You can be texting about it. You could plan to wear something that makes you feel sexy. You can each show each other your favorite movie that you both love. Maybe you could show each other your favorite sex scenes. Maybe it's the first sex scenes you saw as a teenager that really turned you on. Share some of those intimate things that you've never shared with anybody. You could each bring over your favorite desserts that maybe you've never had together. You could bring over your favorite appetizers. Make it something that you isn't. Isn't too planned out and not stressful. But you're both sharing the things that have given you pleasure that maybe you haven't shared with each other. And obviously, if you've been together a long time, maybe you've already done that. I just like having a lot of different things to play with. So it could be toys, it could be different foods, it could be music, massage. Just do one thing different. Maybe you want to be tied up. Another thing I love to talk about is bondage tape. Bondage tape is this really cool reusable. It looks like electrical tape. You can easily use it to wrap around your partner's wrists, or you can use it around their mouth. You could use it around their feet. And it's just like an easy way to get into some kinky play with your partner. You could blindfold them, and you can get some of the Muse flavored lube and have them guess the flavor. And if they don't guess it, you can spank them. The Muse lube is also really great for oral sex. I'm telling you. The mint chocolate, the creme brulee. You could also get a board game. There's one called Truth or Dare for couples. Also one in our gift guide. We've got a few games on there. I just love the idea of if you haven't Used a toy with a partner, then this would be a fun time to get one you can share together. Toys are there to help you have pleasure, and they enhance intimacy, and they really connect you with a partner and with yourself. Jae Joo has a great couples kit. They have a G spot vibe. It's so cool. They have this really great kit. It's a G spot vibe, and it's also a cock ring. And this G spot vibe is a small little vibe, which you think, well, how could that hit my G spot? You know, I don't love the term G spot. Your internal clitoral nerves, but it's the lower thirds right near the vaginal opening that has the most nerve endings. And so this toy is super compact. It does hit your spots. And then there's also a penis ring. So you could even chip in and get this for both of you and say, hey, I've got a cock ring. I've got a G spot toy. I've got some lube. Maybe you get some used lube. I mean, what a great night to do some oral with some mint chocolate lube. I mean, hello. Happy Valentine's Day. That's your chocolate. Get the mint chocolate lube and wrap that up in a box. Oh. Another gift for the penis in your life is the arcwave. And the Arc Wave is the latest new toy from the makers of Womanizer and we Vibe. They use that same pleasure air technology that we love about the Womanizer. And you use it on a penis. So it's a stroker, and you could wear it as a sleeve. And it stimulates the frenulum, that super sensitive part on the underside of your penis. So if you're just someone who's like, I just want to get my partner a toy if they have a penis, check out the arc wave. It just came out, and it's pretty awesome. And then there's the yarlap, which is another great gift for yourself or for a partner. It uses auto Kegel technology. So essentially, you know those Kegel exercises that your doctor's always telling you to do, but you don't remember to do them? It strengthens your pelvic floor, helps you have stronger orgasms. You could do it for 15 to 20 minutes a day, 15 to 30 minutes, five days a week. And it is a game changer for your sex life. You just lay back, you put it inside of you. It is not painful. And it uses, like, electrostimulation to help you build your pelvic floor. And you don't have to go anywhere and Then maybe you can give yourself an orgasm just to, you know, thank yourself for doing something that's good for your sexual health and wellness. And I don't think enough of you. Take baths together. When was the last time you did that? You could try the Playboy CBD bath bomb. Have you ever tried a bath bomb? You literally drop it in your bathtub, and then you're getting all the healing properties of the cbd and it's really sexy to use together. They also have an intimacy gel and an arousal spray. Oh, and a lot of toys these days are waterproof. Bring those in the tub with you. I mean, if you just had some delicious chocolates, you ran a bath, you had some candles going, you had some music, maybe you get in the tub and you read erotica to each other. I'd say that's a pretty excellent Valentine's Day and see where it goes from there. If you're on the CBD plan, we also have the Brown girl Jane, day and night drop. So it just gives your skin some extra love. And they have these tinctures with CBD and other cannabinoids, and they just really help your skin and helps you reduce stress and inflammation, helps you sleep better at night. We also have a masterclass subscription. If you haven't. You guys could watch my masterclass together. That's a fun thing to do on Valentine's Day. I also love. We have a wine club on here. We have. These are not sponsors necessarily. These are just things that we like. I think a wine club and the Womanizer is a great gift. They have the Lily Allen Liberty. And just remember, you know, there's my Valentine's Day suggestions for you. But I really think we should try to have Valentine's Day all year long. So whenever you're listening to this, try to think about what could I do in my relationship to make sure that we're prioritizing our pleasure, that we're connecting with each other, that we're communicating and we are in a healthy place. And if we're not, well, we're going to plan to get there. But, you know, I'm here to help, and I love you all. Thank you for following me on this Valentine's Day journey again. Happy Valentine's Day. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, I'm answering a call about cheating with Dr. Jennifer Fried. Just a quick note. Jen and I answer the first call together, but the rest of the calls are just with me. So in case you wonder where Jen went, she's on a lot of our episodes, But I just really wanted to share that call. All right, we'll be right back.

Let's help Jessica, 21 in Arizona. Hi, Jessica. You're out with myself and Dr. Jennifer Fried. How can we help you?

So I'm in a relationship with a guy who is 29, and we have been dating for a little bit over a year. We were living together for a while as well. We both have a child, but unfortunately, so far in the relationship, he has not been able to stay committed to me, and he has cheated multiple times. He likes to log into all of my social media accounts and monetarize if I am talking to any guys. And I can't follow any guys on anything. I can't even talk to anyone, family, friends, or cousins that are males. So I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him with his insecurities. I mean, I don't do anything. All I go is do is go to work. I just don't know what to do.

Jessica, honey, I'm so glad you called in. This sounds like a really, really hard relationship. It's been a year, and you already know he's cheated on you, and he's. He's. He's trying to get you to, you know, separate you from your friends and family. And so to me, this is just. You know. And of course, you sound like a. You know. You know, you really want to help him, and I'm just. We got. We got to help you because it sounds unhealthy and toxic, and just. Even just the fact that you found out he's been unfaithful, that was one piece of it. And then he's telling. He's saying.

And then he tells me it's a mistake and that he's sorry and he won't do it again. But then literally, a week later, he does it again, and I'm just. I'm so tired of it.

Okay, well, I'm. I'm tired of it for you. I don't think this is good. It's only been a year, and you're living together and you both have kids, and it sounds. It sounds really messy.

I think that this might be one that we got. I don't know that there's any saving this relationship. I'd like you to kind of focus on you right now, if you can. I mean, I just know, right, Jen? I mean, we've heard about these kind of things. It's the distancing her family and friends and jealous and trying to control. He's trying to control her.

It's a hostage situation. And that's really. Jessica. So unhealthy for you to be a trustworthy person that's not trusted and to be with somebody that's untrustworthy. That's about 5,000 red flags at once. And Emily and I would like to do a quick rescue and get you out of that.

Yeah. So how can we help you do that?

Because I already moved out. Just because I don't want to deal with that anymore.

Great.

And now he's messaging me that he wants me back and of course. And that I'm fully responsible for ruining everything. That's my fault. So I was like, no, Jessica, we're.

Here to tell you that there are literally. The gents had 5,000 red flags. I can't even count. I can't even see. All I see is red right now. And it's really unhealthy. So, of course, you know, he's a master manipulator. I have here in the note that it says that he cheated on you 14 times. You didn't mention that on air, but someone wrote that. That's. I don't even know how you've timed him during a global pandemic to cheat 14 times. And. And then what he does is clearly he's really good at getting you back.

He would use his. His child as an excuse to not have me over.

To kind of catch hints of it. And I would find girl clothing in the house that wasn't mine.

He's not your guy.

One night, because I was feeling crazy, and so I did it. And then I found all of that stuff.

Right. Well, Jessica, this has to be. You moved out. Of course he's coming back around. This is the manipulative. I don't know, narcissistic, whatever he is game that they play because he can't stand to lose you. But it's like. It's like to get you back and the same things will. It will. Like, we've seen this pattern so many times. It's sort of a classic pattern, which is the good news for you, because I can tell you with all certainty. And Jen will back me up. This is not someone that's gonna change. You're 21 years old. The sooner you can distance yourself from him and start to really kind of cultivate your community around you, whether it's friends or family, I'd love you to block him. I know that's a lot. I don't think you might not be ready for that. But there's no way he's gonna be bringing good into your life. So how can we support you in making those moves to separate him? Because I. I know that this is not your guy or your relationship, and I can't imagine people in your life think so.

No, my parents do not like him at all. They told me from day one that they think that he's just with me because I do have a good job. He's relied on me to pay every bill that he's ever had.

Oh, Jessica, please. Jessica, you have to do me a favor. I need you to cut this guy off. I don't see the benefits. There was. Literally, you keep. Jessica, I don't know if we have you on for another five minutes. I don't know what you're going to tell me. I can't even imagine how this could get more disturbing. You're supporting him. He's cheating on you. He's telling you you can't talk to friends or your male cousins. He's getting you to unfollow people on social media. You have a son. You have responsibility, your son to create healthy environment. And you have a great job, and your parents don't like them. Jessica, I need you to leave this relationship. He's not your guy. And you're 21, and I don't want you to now develop a pattern of this with guy. You know, this is what happens if you stay a little bit too long. I would just love you to work on yourself right now, because the more you can work on yourself, you'll be a better mother, you'll be better at your job, and then you'll be able to, you know, kind of heal from this and then attract partners that are healthier. I'm not sure what was attractive about.

Haiti, because I. I really haven't dated since I had my son. And this is the first relationship that I've had since the father of my child.

Yeah.

So I was like, well, maybe. Maybe he's just, you know, making mistakes or this and that. And I just. I kept making excuses for him, excuse after excuse. And so I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna call tonight and ask if they think that he's gonna change. Because if not, I. I don't want to stay in that relationship with somebody like that. I'm tired.

He's not gonna change. He's not gonna change. And he's got a lot of issues. He's got a lot of problems. He's abusive, manipulative. I've never Seen anyone like this change. And you're. You. You. I want you to really just kind of. And I. I guess I understand too now that, you know, three years without, you know, you've had a baby, you haven't been with anyone. Sometimes we forget. It just felt probably so nice to be desired by somebody, you know? We've all done that, I suppose when we, you know, and I understand that, but I. I guess, you know, you can just say the sooner you get out of this, you'll be able to see this as well, and then make better choices with the. The next time. But, you know, don't.

Yeah, I've thought about it a lot, but that's not someone that I want my son to be.

No.

And they, they do learn. Even though he's young, he's. He's still going to catch on to what, what's happening and he'll learn those habits.

Yeah.

Do it. I. I don't want my son to be like somebody like that.

No, you do not. You. You do not. And I don't like, you know, the way he's treating you. And it's just. It's not healthy. Right, Jen?

I just want to say, Jessica, the best part about this call is that it's a new year and you're 21 and you're capable and you're smart and you're attractive. And when we make a big error in judgment with a lover, the best thing we can do is go, I don't want that ever again. And reset and commit to our health. And so it is your turn now to become the woman you want to be that would never put up with this ever again. Go, Jessica.

Yeah, this is it.

Jessica, I appreciate your guys time so much. Okay.

Of course, Jessica.

I feel a lot better.

Oh, I'm so glad. Jessica, we got you. Okay. Take care of yourself. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to Rich, 34 in New York. Hi, Rich.

Hello, Emily. It's so nice to talk to you.

So I just talk to you, Rich, what's going on?

It has been three years since I've had sex and I've started talking to this guy that I really like and I'm just kind of nervous about it. And I was wondering, since it's been so long, should I try a butt plug, which I've never tried before, or should I just use lube like usual and just go for it?

Oh, you mean you like it because you think that it's closed up, like you want to make sure you're You're.

Yeah, it's been a while. And my ex fiance, it was strictly oral. He did not like sex.

Oh, hence your ex. Hence, he's your ex.

Oh, yes. And a bunch of myths. And listening to you helped me decide to leave him. So thank you for that.

Oh, Rich, that makes me so. I'm so glad. Well, here, I think that you should do. Listen, if you haven't had sex in three years, this is what I would recommend. Yeah, get out the butt plug. But for your pleasure, right? Like get into your body again. Masturbate, walk around naked. Celebrate yourself and get into the sexy mindset. Get into your body. I have.

I've been. I listened to you a few weeks ago and you said something about how every day you should masturbate for a month and try new things. And I've been doing that and I found something that Just blowing lines.

Tell me.

Wait. I need to know what you found out. Rich, this is good. Don't bury the weed.

A few things. I realized that if I just put my finger on this one vein on the. Underneath my dick. Sorry, penis.

It's fine.

And I just keep rubbing that. I will orgasm with just a finger.

Is it nearing?

I've done this thing where you put your fingers underneath your balls and you press a little hard right before you ejaculate. And that's been explosive.

Oh, my God. Okay, Rich, so what you're talking about, when you apply pressure to your perineum, which is like your taint, that area beneath your balls. When you do that, you're actually indirectly stimulating the prostate. So I actually encourage all of you to try that at home tonight if you have a prostate. This is amazing, Rich.

Been masturbating with lube more. And now I realize I have way more pleasure in my head than I ever did before. And my nipples too, for some reason. Like in the past year, that's changed.

Oh, my God, Rich. That's a. That is incredible. So you've been using lube and masturbating. So, yeah. So, okay, why not try a butt plug if that will give you and if it feels good to you. But I don't think that there's any concern. I think that the. You'll be fine to receive, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it if you're. And also what I think is good. I mean. God, you're such a. You're like a sexual Olympian right now. I'm. I'm so impressed with everything you've done.

Quarantine. There's not much to do.

Yeah. But most people just masturbate in the same way and fall asleep. But you're like, no, I'm gonna actually go slow. Be mindful about my masturbation. See what I could learn. You've got. And this is what I tell everybody, that you're. We have so many erogenous zones and secondary erogenous zones that we never look at. And you found spots on your penis, which I believe that men love their penises. They're obsessed, so why not go exploring? So thank you for setting this example for everybody. Yeah.

Thank you very much for all the advice you've given me over the past year or so.

Oh, Rich, I'm so glad you're listening. The other thing I would say, though, is you might be worried about it when you're about to have sex, so why not use the butt plug? Then, you know you'll be ready. Right. So it's one less thing to kind of worry about if, you know, if you're doing test.

Because I've been webcamming him and he's extremely big.

Oh.

And I. We both have the same.

We both like rough but passionate stuff. So that's why I was more nervous just because.

Okay.

I like to get rough.

Oh, okay. So you want. But you could also tell him to go slow and rough. Right. Like you'd say, but first I need to go slow.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's what. Like, that's why I like the passionate part where you slow down and just kiss.

Like.

I love that.

I love that too. Well, remember, with anal, always go slow and breathe and use a lot of lube. That's like my top advice anyway, so.

Yes. Water based. Water based lube.

Water based or silicone.

Okay. Have you tried that one yet?

I actually recommend silk. I think silicone lube. I love pure pjur. It is. They make actually a st. A lube called Analise, but all lube, just lots of it. Yep. Let me know it goes.

All right. Thank you.

Congratulations. Can't wait. Okay, thank you. Of course. Thank you, Rich. Thanks for calling. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break.

I haven't done this in a while, so I thought it was time because we get so many incredible emails from all of you that you send to feedbackexwithemily.com. so if you want to send me an email, you can send one through our website or the feedback and always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. And I'M cool if you change your name. No worries. This is from Nicole, 44, in Canada. Dear Dr. Emily, My ex husband and I had pretty terrible sex from the start. My low libido, his erectile dysfunction and the shame that accompanied it and poor communication all contributed. I didn't realize it was a deal breaker for him until it was. By the end of our marriage, he was telling me that I was no longer attracted to him. He was attracted to younger women and asked me to consider an open marriage. He, after we split, found out he had cheated on me, including a year long affair. Shocker. And even we were talking of reconciling. He was pursuing other women, including the woman he's now with who's 16 years younger than me. I've done a ton of work to reflect on where things went wrong in our marriage and what I would want a new relationship to look like. A healthy sex life is one of those things. But my self confidence is shot. Even when I attempt to masturbate, I hear him saying I'm not desirable. And then I think about him with his younger, more attractive girlfriend. Total mood killer. I want to tackle this emotional and mental block. I think it's the reason I haven't met anyone new. I'm confident in every area of my life, but I feel like I come across insecure and undesirable to men. I find a hard time believing a man would find me attractive when he could have a 25 year old. I really want to be in a happy, healthy relationship and I appreciate your advice. All right Nicole, so this is a really hard situation and I'm sorry you went through all of this. You did say that you did your work and I'm wondering what that looked like because to me, therapy such a game changer for you. If you haven't had deep work around, what are the limiting beliefs? Where did they come from? But the other thing is I always talk about work and doing work outside of a relationship. But you know, sometimes we do some really incredible work in a relationship. So what I think would be important for you now is to just start dating people and practice showing up as your confident, secure, best self, whatever that looks like. That self that you're at when you're hanging out with your best friends or people that you don't find attractive. The reason why I think that you're repairing your, you know, the broken trust you had and your insecurities might come in relation to someone else. Even if it's not a relationship, just dating. Because I think that part of Feeling desirable is finding people who actually find us desirable. And since you haven't put yourself out there, you're not realizing how desirable you are. And so I could tell you all the things I love to do about self confidence, which is like writing down your limiting beliefs and then writing something, you know, having it in a notebook or having in your phone something you read every morning that are like, I am a desirable, smart, healthy woman who deserves love and pleasure. And that becomes your mantra that you just say day in and day out, you will start to believe that. But it also helps to start just put yourself out there and realize that none of this is true. You know, of course, I mean, I could say the same things, that every guy who's with me in his 40s, 50s, wants to be with someone 25. I mean, that might be true, but I don't, you know, I have moments where I think things like that. But I just, I don't want to spend a lot of time there because I just know that, sure, that will be true for some, but not for all. There's some men in their 40s or 50s who, who actually don't find that as interesting. They want a woman who knows herself, who's mature, who they share, you know, more common life goals with and we're in the same places in our life rather than somebody who is in a different part of their life, who might be harder to form a long term relationship. We all want different things, we all find different things attractive. And so you could start by, you know, just going out to lunch with people you find interesting or going on dating apps and practicing dating. I always liken this to when you're looking for a job and you're going on interviews. And I remember learning this in college and they said, just say yes to every interview. Even I remember like taking an interview with a car company, like a rental company, their corporate offices. I'm like, there's no way. I, this is not for me. But I just practiced because I didn't really care if I had the job. I just knew how to go in and take interviews. One time I got a job. I remember, I'm just remembering all this time. With me, it was in college, it was my senior year and Macy's was gonna fly to New York if I wanted to work in their like buyer's program, which I didn't wanna do, but I did wanna go to New York for the weekend. Sorry, Macy's, but I just, I got in the interview and I was like, I'm going to practice taking interviews. And so I recommend that you do that with men. Not to sound like I'm not listening. You're using them because you might find that you really like someone. But if you take the pressure off yourself and you get to show up as the wonderful, fabulous Nicole at 44 as you are, you're going to realize that you're going to have new things to fill your mind with, like, oh, I had a connection to someone and this is how I felt. You'll have new experiences around men. But right now you just sound like you were really in a terrible situation with your ex. And of course it made you feel insecure. But I just want you to get out there and see how desirable you are. Thanks for your email, Nicole. All right. This is from Anonymous22 in Pennsylvania. Dear Dr. Emily, I've noticed that when I get ready to have sex, I have trouble staying wet. I know I'm turned on, but down there I'm struggling. I tend to drive quickly and I get embarrassed. And my past partners think that it's their fault. Again, I'm turned on. Just not down there. What do I do? Am I doing something wrong? All right, so here's a deal about your wetness. Who were raised to believe is that we should always be wet and that if we're turned on, we're wet. And that's going to be an indicator that you're aroused and ready to go. But that is not true. This is what I need you to understand is that women's wetness level is going to change throughout their lifetime, different phases of our life, and it's even going to change throughout the month. There might be times of the month where you're wetter than others, depending on your ovulatory cycle. So this is a matter of also educating partners. Again, it's like a lot of our partners feel bad because they, especially our male partners, because they don't understand this. But I think just letting them know that you've learned some new information and it just means that you have to add some lube. And you know that I recommend that everybody tries lube in every situation, every sexual situation. Masturbation, hand jobs, blow jobs, oral sex. Just have the lube on your nightstand. We love pure lube. Pjur. They make lubes for all different kinds of occasions. And Muse lube is great. It's a wonderful flavored lube. Their flavors are delicious. But I think that you don't have to do anything. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong. You just need to educate your partners. And so when you add a lube and I like silicone lubes too because they last longer and you don't have to reapply as much, but when you add it, you're not only does it gonna feel better, you're not gonna have any tearing, but you're going to have more orgasms because studies have shown that women who use lube are more likely to orgasm. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily and I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blog. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me 8894 stars. That's 888-947-8277. Get a free 30 day trial at sex with emily.com sxm. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com/emily morse Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithelEmily.com.

There'S one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health, magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but quality of Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement. It's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free, and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.