Vibrating Histories & Relationship Mysteries

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm giving you a little history lesson all about the vibrator. Plus I'm answering your sex related questions. Topics include the vibrator origin story, where it all began, and how they progressed to what they are today. You're gonna find this fascinating. So you started seeing another woman, but your wife doesn't know about it. How do you get out of such a messy situation? What to do when your husband has an odor around his parts and it's not the pheromones. And how to go from monogamous to polyamorous with your partner of 52 years. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sex sexwithemily.com you're gonna love our site. Google your questions there as well. You can do that. There's lots of great blogs and posts to help you have better sex. You can find me five days a week on SiriusXM radio. I'm on Channel Stars 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. And you can also get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.comsxm or. No problem. Just call in and ask your question. 889-478277. Social media across the board is at Sex with Emily. Are you really not following us yet? You can actually see us and see what we've been doing here. And there's a lot of great sex tips. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show. It's a little history lesson. So this one is about the evolution of the vibrator. I just think it's a fascinating story. And I think people don't often know that the vibrators began in the Victorian era. And the reason why was because women were suddenly, every time a woman had something wrong with her, like she sneezed or she had a cramp or she was tired or, or she had a headache, she had something going on, they called it hysteria.

Ridiculous.

They called it hysteria. And it could mean that she had anxiety, fainting, sleeplessness, irritability, nervousness, and a tendency to cause trouble for others.

So you mean just like living like.

A woman was living? Right, exactly. On the planet. And, and also on the list, excessive vaginal lubrication and neurotic fantasizing, because that was not normal at the time. Okay. That's what was happening. So they called it hysteria. And it had a lot of different manifestations throughout the years. And doctors spent years and years, like, diagnosing women with this, like, faux condition. Like, oh, must be Hysterica. She's hysterical. That's where we get the term hysterical female from. And they'd offer all different kinds of treatments. And so the treatment, the very first treatment they did was they actually, women would like, line up. I mean, there must have been a line around the corner because they would go to doctors and the doctor would use their hands to stimulate a woman's clitoris and bring her to orgasm. And mysteriously, all the symptoms went away.

And so from these doctors diddling all these women.

Oh, diddling.

Their hands hurt. Their hands started to hurt. And they're Like, I can't be a doctor anymore. I can't do surgery. What am I gonna do if I'm like getting all these women off? They're lining up around the corner, they're going across country lines. Cause they're finally having orgasms, you know, and it helps with everything. So then they invented the vibrator. The vibrator is born because of hysteria. Ridiculous, right?

Oh, my God.

And so. And so, yeah, it was a clinical stimulation from the doctors. Then they got the husband's in and the husband's hand started to hurt. So this is what happened. So the vibrator was invented and it is 1869. The 69. Get it? The first vibrator. We always have to make that joke. Even though the first vibrator officially gets patented by Dr. George Taylor. He called it the manipulator. And it's a steam powered engine. It's like. Like an engine, right? Like affixed to a platform with a giant dildo attached. I have to look this up. It's like, look it up. And if you guys. There's. There's actually a vibrator museum in San Francisco at Good Vibrations on Pl. You have to go to the vibrator. Yeah, Go to our Twitter at Sex with Emily. We'll tweet this out. Check out these things. It's like. It's actually like the first household appliance actually was the vibrator. So it became. Yeah, I'm trying to think where else. What the fuck do you see?

Was the first. So the 1880s, it was the first battery powered vibe that this thing that obviously went into.

Yeah, I'm gonna tweet it out right now.

It looks like a torture device.

It does like a mini iron lung or something.

It looks like that. Yeah. And then the next one looks like kind of like a mixer, you know, like a kitchen mixer. Mixer.

Mashed potatoes.

What? Yep. So 20th century, the vibrator was the fifth household appliance to go electric. That's pretty amazing, you guys. I mean, if you think about it, because, you know, we know sex is always at the forefront of the invention of new technology. You know, the laptop, the phones, and the. The Beta max going to. Because of porn. So now fifth household appliance. And it is still a medical advice. The 1920s redesign starts to pick up because of adult films and because of porn. And then in the. By the 30s, they were a little more compact. Like you didn't need like three men to carry it into the house. And it came in a lot of colors. And there's a fun. A lot of fun attachments. And they're still called personal massagers. Right now. The Magic Wand is one of them. Now, you guys, the Magic Wand is still the Cadillac of all vibrators. The Magic Wand has been around for 50 years. So the Magic Wand, you can check it on our site. And I can just tell you how loud this bad boy is. The first one was plugged into the wall. Okay, this is it on its.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God. It's so loud.

It sounds like someone's mowing their lawn.

Is that coming from outside or in here?

Okay, so then. But that's the highest. Here's the lowest. The lowest. Anyway.

Still fucking crazy.

So it's crazy, you guys. And it is a massager. It is like. It does actually feel really good if you put it on your shoulders.

But now there's a bunch of different models. They did release it from its cord about five years ago, and it became wireless, which is amazing. And they recharged. It became rechargeable, and now they have the plus anymore, which is this one. This one? Yeah. This is the plus that plugs in. Another pioneer was the Rabbit vibrator. So in, like, 2005, was it. The Rab Raider was on Sex and the City. And Charlotte said, you know, they went to the store and she's like, buy. I think they go to, like, Baby Land or something, and she buys a Rabbit vibrator, and then she takes it home.

And.

And the Rabbit vibrator is what we always talk about. We always often talk about dual stimulation vibes. So dual stimulation vibes mean that there's an internal vibrator, an internal thing for internal clitoral nerves and for the clitoris. And she doesn't come out of her house for, like, a week, and she's like, oh, my God, I'm addicted to my vibrator. And people are like, oh, my God, there's a vibrator on television. I mean, that wasn't that. That was like, the year I started my show. And it was like the vi, you know? And that was. Even then it was battery operated, so. Toys have come such a long way since I even started. All the toys, most of them had batteries. Like, for that Rabbit, you needed four AA's.

I know. I have one.

You still have it?

Yeah. You gave me one.

I did.

When I was an intern, still.

Oh, okay.

I used it once.

And then I gave you, like, the one when I started.

Well, no, then I got the Nova we vibe, which is like, okay, so.

The Nova is like the souped up version of the Rabbit. The Nova is by we Vibe, and it's a dual stimulation vibrator. And they just like innovated the fuck out of it. And they were like. It has these little. The. The little. The. The rabbit ears part is not rabbit rabbit ears anymore, but it has this little curvy thing that just. The best part about it, why it's so innovative, the Nova is that it doesn't. It doesn't lose contact with your clitoris.

Yes.

So you can keep moving in and out, but has this curvy angle. You just Google it. The Nova, we'll put it in the show notes. Everything we talk about at sex with emily.com Click on the show notes. So that was pretty innovative. And when you used to buy toys too, they all came in these boxes with, like porn stars on them. And they were just. I mean, toys are much more friendly now. They're kid friendly. They're. They're body safe, and they just look a lot different now. Another pioneer that I would say it's the biggest one in years was 2013 when the Womanizer came out. And that wasn't just what. That was six years ago now. Wow. Six years ago. And it's pretty. You guys, this is the thing. After all, these toys definitely got more efficient. And they got their battery. They're rechargeable when. So they were all, you know, making advancement. And we're going to these trade shows and everything kind of looked the same. And then the Womanizer. So the Womanizer was invented by a couple in Germany. And they are. They literally were just like trying to think of something that would. He's like, I do this thing. I met him once. I'm not gonna do the right accent, but he's like, I do this thing to my wife, and she liked it. And I was trying to figure out how to make a toy that would do the same thing. I'm like, I love that. What a husband, like going after it.

Right.

So the event of this, it's patented. They use a patented pleasure air technology, and it is a game changer for vibrators in the last decade. So essential. It emits like a super soft suction and vibration. So it's like it's kind of feels the air, makes it feel like it's kind of suckling, sucking, or like nibbling on your clitoris. And it's not just for your clitoris. You can move it all over your labia. It's really cool on nipples. I wonder if this One comes charged. Okay. This is the spot.

There it is.

Just like a man.

So it sucks. And now if I put my finger on it.

So I feel like if you are going down on a woman and you can know how to roll your Rs, probably really good talent.

Yeah. Yes. And blow at the same time.

Yes. It's gonna be really hard. And you have to do some mouth exercises for somebody to work it.

Also, it's the sucking.

Like, literally, I've had to tell every guy who's ever gone down on me that you need to have the, like the sucking motion of like, that toy.

Yeah.

So when you gave me that, it was so life changing.

Yeah. So you told you show them you're like this toy.

I have.

They're intimidated. So we're easing into it. I haven't found the right person to bring it in yet.

Got it.

I still have to tell them how to act like the woman.

You haven't yet told them?

No, I told them I haven't shown them the toy.

Right.

But I do tell them.

Well, it is good because I think the thing is, is that women. Here's the thing. And this is not. This is not like, you know, anything negative towards men and men's skills. How the hell would you know? Women aren't great at always as explaining what they want. Sometimes we don't even know what we want. But what I can tell you is, is that like slowing down, doing a little bit of sucking and not like a. Like you're trying to like suck something out of a straw, but it's like a light, like a nibble. Like, kind of like you're making out with her vulva. You're like, kind of like nibbling and like using your tongue in different ways. This just sort of is a game changer. You have to use it with lube. I think lube with it is a game changer. And it is. It encompasses the clitoris without touching. It stimulates. It's also the thing about this. If you have a super sensitive clitoris, this might be the right toy for you because it's not actually touching it, although it does. It is. It is.

Just don't turn it up all the way.

Don't turn it up. Do it on low setting. There's also another one that was great this year. This came out this year is wearable and shareable vibrators. So the Moxi vibrator came out this year. And this one is so cool. It's a wearable panty vibe, as they call it. Which.

Panty there's just some words. Panty vibe. But that's what it is.

It's an underwear.

It's called moxie. And you definitely have moxie if you're wearing this toy. So it's a very, like, sleek contour shape. You. You wear it in your panties. So this part is going inside of the top part is kind of nestling in your clitoris, and your. Just right there.

Just like.

Like how you put a pad in your underwear next to your labia, and then it has a magnet that. So it's secure. And then there's a remote, an actual physical remote. And there's an app with the We Connect app. You could wear it and your partner can vibe you from anywhere. They could control it with their phone. So you could be in a restaurant, you could be at a party, your partner could be in Australia, and you could be in New York, and they could still be vibing you if you launch the app. It's very. It's awesome. So it's just. This is also fun. When you're bored in your relationship, which I think most people are, they get to that point, buy a toy that could be just what you need to, like, spice it up.

Yeah, I like that one too. Because it's quiet.

Yeah.

Oh, because, like, I'm not sure.

Vibrant.

Yeah. That one might not be.

Oh, my God, this is so powerful.

Okay. Well, it's loud when you put it on a microphone, but when it's in your pants and you're walking around the grocery store, it's very.

I just wore it out for. Did you do that?

No. Yeah, I did. I also got hit on while I was using it, which was kind of weird.

See, that makes sense.

But it was like, not.

This is the Moxie.

Not by someone attractive and was very old.

But you always get hit on in the store, don't you?

No, by old men. Like, no offense.

No offense.

No offense to anyone out there, but.

Like, no offense to old men.

My age gap right now, I cap it at 38. That's where I'm capping it.

Yep.

Mine's 52.

Really? Yeah.

Guys in LA, they look really young. Plus, I'm 32, so, like, that's 20 years. I gotta give them some time to grow up.

Yeah, they usually buy 52. They're grown up and then they're just on the way out. Just kidding. I'm there. I'm joking, you guys. No, I'm about there. Let me just tell you, this is that men and women, we take a while to mature Especially, you know, sometimes into their 40s, even men are like, I'm finally getting it. We all evolve at our own pace. Okay, next we have. This is fun, the history of the vibrators. Did you know any of this hysteria, all of this because women were not having orgasms. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not just sitting here, like yelling from the rooftops like women, you gotta masturbate. You gotta learn what feels good, understand pleasure, understand your body. Because you guys, orgasms actually really, really good for your health. And it's good for your mental conditions. It's good for your mental conditions, whatever various conditions you have. I mean, it can help anxiety, blood pressure. It's good for sleep, apparently.

Sneezes.

Sneezes.

I like headaches too. I feel like I used to get.

A lot of headaches. Yeah. And you're not getting them anymore. No.

Wow. Because you wrote her a prescription of masturbation.

I did. She did. Freaking did. Oh, my God, I really did. Okay, the Zumio.

But I don't. Where'd I. I think I dropped something. Okay, so the Zumio is awesome. So the Zumio's new. And the Zoomio. Okay, so this is why I love the Zumio. It looks like an electric toothbrush. And a lot of women's first toy was actually an electric toothbrush.

They even make a reference to that in that movie Booksmart.

They do?

Yeah. That was directed by Olivia Wilde.

It was on my calendar. I didn't watch it.

You have to see Good Boys too, because without giving anything away, these young kids, they keep stumbling upon sex toys and they don't know what they are. You have to see it.

Okay, Put it on my calendar. I will.

All right, back to.

I need like a schedule to watch tv. That's my life. Watch this show tonight, Emily, because I never watch tv. Okay, listen, guys. The Zumio, okay, so it's a self pleasure tool. It's obviously why I love this is because it stimulates so many different erogen. It's really powerful and it stimulates different erogens. It's got a pinpoint. It's got a little like.

Looks like a. Like an inch long point.

It's a Q tip, but purple.

It's a Q tip. Exactly. It's like a purple long Q tip vibrator toothbrush. But you can use this, you guys. And what I love is that it's. You can actually get in there and stimulate so many different nerve endings. So there are 8,000 nerve endings in your Clitoris. And so just imagine this. Like, what you already know is possible right now. Like, you might know, oh, there's this one spot. And other spots feel good, too, in there. But a lot of women have areas that are. We've never really touched, and we haven't awoken, if you will, in our entire. Like, maybe we had. And this is true, you guys, for women, like, you might have had, like, a tampon, but you put in once and it hurt. And you might have, like, an area that's kind of like a zone. I like to call it, like, a dead zone, if I could think of a better word for it. But this, like, this, it restores collagen, and it stimulates collagen and blood flow. So wherever you put. It's kind of like a medical device. But it gives you incredible orgasms. You, like, can just wake up your vagina, wake up your vulva. Like, go into the clitoris, play with all the different areas, all the nerve endings. It's just freaking cool. When I saw this and a listener called in and told us about the Zoomio, and we hadn't heard of it. It's just really cool sensations. And we just put something on our YouTube. On our YouTube. Well, that, too. Our Instagram showing it, if you want to know what we're talking about. The Zoom Yo. So there you go. That's the Zoom Yo. And that's the thing with toys, you guys.

The newest vibrator, though, is around your neck.

Oh, thank you. I have a new announcement to make. A vibrator necklace. This is by Crave, and it's called the Vesper. And I've always loved this necklace. And it.

So go to. How do they go to my Instagram right now or. Yeah, but it is a. It looks like a little bullet. Like a little. Like a pen. Maybe a little mini pen. And you wear it around your neck, and it comes in three colors, and it is. We have it rose, gold, and gold and silver. But here's why I love. These are, like, a special edition because I put three sayings on them. So these are special Sex with Emily Vespers, and it has three different sayings. One of them says, mine says, meditate, masturbate, and manifest. The other one says, turn me. Oh. It says swe, and it's very subtle because I like screaming at you. And the other one says, turn me on. And then our third one says.

I come first. I come first. And you can order any color. And why I love it is because it's such a bold, like, to Me just. People are always like, that's a really cool necklace. I just wear it like I layer it and I wear it in different places. I wear it all the time. But it's bold. You're taking care of your own pleasure. It's for men and for women. Like, I think guys look awesome in this or have it for your partner or whatever you would like. But it makes a statement. You care about your pleasure. You care about, you know, your orgasms. You. You care about your, your, your sex life. And it's badass. And it looks cool.

Conversation starter.

It's a great conversation starter. Like, I feel like when I and I've been wearing it, people are like, what is that? That's so cool. Like, tell me about it. And then you're like, it's a vibrator. So if you're out and you're ready to mingle, I'm telling you, people will ask about it because it's like, it looks cool. Like, oh, that's just. And then. And you could also, if you're like, I don't want to say vibrator of this person, this guy in the grocery store talking to me. You can just be like, it's a pen. Bye. But for most people, it's a really good conversation starter and empowering as. So I love it.

I love it too. And it's like, it's lightweight, it's simple. Also low key. Could be used as a weapon. Oh, you clock someone in the eye with that.

It has so many uses.

I'm not saying like you're just gonna walk up to someone and like hit them. I'm just saying if, you know, no vagina women gotta be careful walking around.

No, it's good.

It is good.

I don't have mace, but I have mace.

I guess I was thinking the magic wand I always think is a weapon.

Well, duh.

She walks in as a bam. Over their head.

You know, it's the real weapon.

Oh, you can poke their eye out with.

This is the Enjoy wand.

Oh, the enjoy wand. That's the wand.

Kill someone. Yeah.

That's like a stupid.

You're not coming back from that.

No, I would kill you with my dildo. I mean. But you guys, this is the thing about the product. It's. You is the other thing. I know, it's. This could be like you could poke someone. It kind of. It kind of feels like they could have macedon it too. It is multi fours.

It's also like bold and sophisticated and looks incredible.

Yeah, like, it's very Classic.

It does. It pulls your outfit together right now.

It did. Right now. I look like I got my outfit, I got my, got my life together here. It's also, guys, it's a 26 inch chain. It also is. You know what the coolest thing I love that it's rechargeable usb. So just like plug in your computer and I had mine, I charged it. It stays charged for like months and months. And I have a friend who wears it every day. She's wearing it for like a year and she's like, every, every time I have sex, I just, I just have to use it. I whip it out. I'd use it like her boyfriend's. Yeah, it's awesome. You know, he's got one. So anyway, they're fun. You guys can get them as well. You can order them. Sex with emily.com Vesper we're going to take a quick break and we come back, we're going to get into your questions.

Okay, we have Lenny, 36, in New York and she wants to know how she can get back into oral sex with her partner.

Yes, hi. Hi, Lenny, thanks for calling.

Thank you for taking my call. Okay, so I've been with my husband, we've been together since 2007. We just had our first baby a year ago. She's a year. And in between our relationship, we were off and on for a few years. So I've been with other men. But I guess the long and short of it is that when we first got back, when we first got together in 2007, oral sex wasn't a problem. I would always go down on him and I always avoided it after, I'd say the first, after the newness of things because he has some kind of smell to his area that I can't get past.

Okay.

I don't know what it is and, and I enjoy it. I enjoy oral sex. I, I just can't bring myself to do it. And I, I with other men in between our relationship, I have no problem. And I, I really want to be able to perform it. I just can't even.

Is he circumcised or uncircumcised?

He is circumcised.

Okay.

He's tried washes, powders, I mean, he's tried everything and I don't know, it's like a must. Whiskey, foul smell that I just cannot get past and I don't know what to do because they really.

He's tried. So you've told him this like you've actually, he knows it he's working on it as well.

Huh.

Has he ever gotten checked for anything? Like, has he gotten checked out by his doctor? Like a urine? He could have something like a, an infection. Okay.

But they just kind of chalked it up to this is your DNA, this is your pheromones, like that, this is who you are. And it's kind of defeating. I don't know.

Second opinion. And you're sure like how many times did he go.

He's only seen one. I think it's, you know, I feel like maybe he feels.

I don't know. And maybe he just feels like it's.

Emasculating to have to do that or embarrassing.

Yeah. But I think, I mean that's not how, like it's just, I don't know. That's. He could have an infection. I mean he could have a uti, he could have a yeast infection. He could have something else going on. I mean, I, I, I don't know. And it's really like he can't get rid of it. It's not just hygiene. If you guys had sex in the shower at least could you give him a blow job in the shower to till he figures it out? No. It's just bad, huh? I mean.

Yeah. I can't, I can't bring myself to do it. I, I gag. Has he over the smell?

Not you know, like where like right when you put like his whole, his whole area, like his groin, his balls.

I would say it's more around the ball that it's just like a, it's like a, like a sweaty smell but like right out of the shower.

And does he use good? He scrubs. You're saying he scrubs and he uses. He ever exfoliate and like scrub Is.

That area even when we've showered? Like when we shower together. I watch him and he, he doesn't have a scent to him any, anywhere else.

Yeah. That is just really. I would get another penny. I actually don't, I literally, I do not know what, what that could be if it's not something like an infection. Because I know if he had, if he was uncircumcised, I was like, oh, it could be smegma. He might not be cleaning underneath the foreskin, but what about like you could use a flavored lube. We, we've got these. Oh my God. This muse is this amazing flavored lube. It's like, it's like friggin mint chocolate and creme brulee and they taste really good. You could try doing something like, that it does make oral sex traits. There's salted caramel.

We do have one that we've used. We. You know, we really use a lot of toys and loops, and we're into, like, rings and a lot of things, but there's just nothing that can get past this.

Okay, what if you spray something on it? Like, you know, like, you could, like, rub in some kind of, like, scented coconut oil. Like. Yeah, they could use, like, the Wu More Play massage. This is this amazing coconut oil lube that we're obsessed with that you could, like, massage in. It's like vanilla. It's. It's oil. It's like. It feels really good. And he can massage it, and coconut oil is healing also, like, he should go to a health food store. Like, maybe he could take some kind of. Like. Like, there could be just something wrong with. How's his diet?

Horrible.

Okay. Does he smoke and drink? Does he take medicine? Does he on drugs? Is it. You know, it's all that stuff, honey, that's coming out of his skin. But he eats a lot of meat.

Yeah, you know, like a lot of wings. Beer, pizza, burgers.

Yeah, that's it. Does he drink? He probably doesn't drink any water. Okay, well, that's what it is. Okay. He's not a healthy person. And so until I bet you if he changes his diet in a month, you'll be giving him blowjobs all day. I can't think of a better incentive for someone to get in shape and to get their life, you know, to start eating healthy.

Hey, Lenny.

Especially if this is the guy you want to be with, you know what I'm saying? You want to be with someone who takes care of themselves. So tell him I said that. Tell him it's the food he's eating, because I believe you. Tell me all that. Yeah, absolutely. I should have been. My first question, actually, was wondering if he took supplements, but now. Yeah, there you go, Lonnie. Go do it. Okay. Yeah. Get him healthy. Okay. Thanks a lot.

All right, we have a Bill who's in his 60s in Pennsylvania. He's in a situation where he cheated.

Oh, hey, Bill.

Hey, Emily. Nice talking to you.

You too. What's going on, Bill?

My situation. I got into a situation where I wandered, and.

Now the person that I wondered with wants to take it further. First it was just.

You know, sex with a friend with benefits. Now they. She wants me to leave my wife and move in with her.

All right, Bill, so what do you want?

I don't want to do that.

Okay, so what, you know, why do you think you cheated? Why do you think you cheated?

Well, I was. It was a situation where. I don't know, I was just.

Okay.

It was offered then.

Right. Okay. But how long have you been with your wife?

40 some years.

Okay.

Yeah. That's a long time to be with one person. So do you feel. So how. How are things with your wife right now?

Well, that's the problem. She's dropped off sexually and I haven't.

Right. And you guys have talked about it and you've tried to bring your sex.

Life back to life and she's like, not interested.

Right. See, this is what happens in relationships when, you know, both parties are not participating in the health of their sex life. But, Bill, I mean, do you. Are you asking me? Because I understand you're saying this woman wants you to leave your wife for her after you've had sex with her once. But, I mean, I don't think that's a good idea. Do you?

No. This has been going on for like six months.

Oh, you've been cheating on her. Okay, I thought you said you just happened. So six months. So obviously 40 years. You're with one person. This is very, very exciting to be having sex with someone else. It's going to feel so you're going to have all those chemicals flying, the feel good hormones, all those things, however that can be, clearly, that can easily be intoxicating, but it's not necessarily, I think, the healthy thing to do unless you're ready to leave your wife. So what's your question? Is your question, well, you know, how.

Do I get out of this situation without causing a cause? She's threatened to spill the beans.

You gotta come clean to your wife. Maybe this will be the thing that brings you back together again. If you very carefully talk to your wife and say, you know what, you have to end a bill. And you can tell her you already told your wife, you know, see how she goes when you end it with her. But I think either way, you probably should because it's gonna be in your mind. So it's better that you tell her than she tells her. And I think that that should not be a reason not to do it. And, you know, our partners are pretty resilient. Relationships can be resilient if you handle this in a way. Now, I don't know your wife, and many times this can go wrong, but I can tell you this, that if you just say, I, I'm ashamed for this thing that happened, I'm. I'm really Sorry. I've had this affair and, you know, we haven't. We. I. I know that it wasn't the right thing to do. And I really hope that we can go to therapy and we can work on our relationship and rebuild the trust and learn how to be intimate again. Because it's really important to me to connect sexually. I feel like we're roommates and, you know, you gotta do it without blaming or shaming or making her feel bad. Um, and just let her know that you love her and you're very sorry that it's hurt her and she's gonna be. And there's actually a. You know, there's actually really good protocol to kind of go through when this happens. I think you should see it there. I think you have. I know you have to see a therapist. Because when trust is broken in a relationship, it's really hard for couples. Nearly impossible for couples to rebuild it on their own.

Okay. Thank you.

You're so welcome, Bill. Let me know it goes. I'm here for you every night.

I mean, if she's threatening, you just gotta do it.

You gotta do it. You gotta get ahead of that. Get ahead of that. And, like.

You don't have an affair with someone who's not going to do that. Can't you tell who would do that?

I mean, I don't know. I don't know. It depends too, because it's like, I feel like. Well, to be honest, I was recently in a situation where I found out I was the quote, unquote mistress.

Oh, but he told you.

No, no, that's what I'm saying. He told me five months later.

Right. Jamie was dating? Yeah.

I mean, I wasn't like anything. I wasn't like, at first, in the beginning, I actually really liked this guy. And then I was like, you know what? He's just hot and fun. So, like, he's not the best communicator. So let's just, you know, I'll just fuck around with him once in a while. And the last time we're hanging out, like, he just comes. He's like, so I kind of have a girlfriend. And I'm in my mind completely. Just like, oh, so, like, you know, we've been dating multiple people. Like, oh, so you tied the knot with someone specifically? Like, you're, like, exclusive, and that's why you wanted to hang out, because he wanted to tell me in person. So I'm like, oh, did you recently get together? And he's like, no, we've been together for like, a year. And it still didn't click to me. I was like, oh, so you're in an open relationship, right? And he's like, no, she has no idea that you exist. Just cheating.

Just cheating. Plain old cheating.

I just started laughing, like, just cracking up. And I'm like. But it's like, so I don't know. But you never. You can't tell with people what they're going to be like. I had no clue this guy had a girlfriend.

No, I mean, but like, someone's going to go psycho. Like, someone who's like, I'm going to tell your wife. But I feel like I'd always have. That's what I meant.

Well, that's what I'm saying. But, like, you never know how someone. Who. Someone really is on the inside. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, he might. He might not have, like, even thought.

Yeah.

And she. He himself could have been saying all this really nice stuff to her.

He could have been like, I want to. He. We didn't get his whole part when he's like, this is the best sex I ever had. I wish I was.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

No. Yeah. You don't know. You don't know. But the thing is, there's my take on it. Affairs, you guys, it is true that people. I don't think that affairs are the end of the world. I think we've all go. I used to say, like, oh, if someone cheated on me, I would break up with them. No, I don't know what would happen. To be honest, you guys, I think that in a lot of relationships, couples come back from it. It actually can make them stronger. They're like. Because then you realize that usually the cheating happens. If they were still having sex and they've been communicating for 40 years they've been together and things were healthy, it wouldn't happen. It typically happens in relationships where things have fallen apart. You're not healthy, you're not communicating. You might even be having lots of sex. So it's not always about the sex. It's about a lot of things. But that's why you have to keep the health of your relationships strong. So I think in these cases, you know, if it does fall, you know, the affair can actually, like, if you go to therapy, can rebuild, and if it doesn't, you know, it can also. Some people can never get past it.

We have Russell, 52, in Texas. His wife of 15 years wants to enter into a polyamorous relationship.

Hey, Russell, thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. How are you?

I'm good. Thanks for calling. So tell me what's going on.

Okay.

I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a truck driver Monday through Friday. My wife's always said she's bisexual. I hate to shift gears on the show. Like.

No, you're. Dude, this is. You never shift gear. It's all sex.

Okay, well, she. My wife's always claimed to be bisexual. We got into a relationship 15 years ago. There's been, you know, no women in her Life now for 17 years. Well, she recently asked me if I would mind if she had kind of a girl on the side type thing. And I was like, okay, that'd be fine. You know, long as I'll take pictures. Haha. Being a typical guy thing. Well, she actually found a girl and they. They pitted off. She went to see her a couple weeks ago and came back with like hickeys on her neck and all ecstatic, you know, like newfound love type thing. And I'm. I'm really not sure how to handle this. I mean, she says nothing's, you know, I'm not, you know, not giving her something she needs. And I, I take care of, you know, everything. Great. She loves me, but she has a lot of love for this girl too. Is it supposed to freak me out? I mean.

Yeah. Okay, so here's the thing. It does make sense that this would be freaking you out in the beginning because you've been with your wife for 17 years.

15 years.

15 years. And you've never seen her with another person. And it's somebody that she's showing affection to and interest and she's got hickeys and she, she's really loving spending time with her and you're on the road a lot. And so. But. But here's the thing, is that. So this makes sense. And I think you have to talk to her about it too, because this is what happens. It's like what our last Clara said.

Was it Kim or Ray? One of them was talking about how when you couples who make this work. Oh, Ray was saying if we had done it 20 years ago, it wouldn't work. But when couples do it, you talk about it and you're like, that wasn't. He said he got through it. It's uncomfortable. So you say, you know what? I know that I said this and I'm happy that you're having this experience, but it's making me feel. And then explain what your feelings are, Russell. Explain to me the feelings. Let's walk through this. What are the exact. You Afraid she could, like, leave you? You're not enough.

No, just. I don't know. Just the newfound love is always so exciting and so, you know, just over the top and, you know, she's just all. I. I don't know. It's like a different person. There's. I mean, after 15 years, you're not the, you know, the huggy, touchy, laying in bed all night talking kind of relationship. I mean, we're still very much in love. We still, you know, have date night and have open communication, but it's just.

Right. You just gotta set boundaries. Here's the thing. It just started, right? So the thing that you have to do now is just start to set the boundaries and say, okay, this is what. These are The. How many days a week would feel comfortable to you, Russell? Maybe. Maybe you don't want them to have sleepovers. Or maybe you. You would feel better if she limited. She.

She lives 400 miles away, so my wife will be going there for like a week at a time, like during the week.

A week is a lot. Maybe a week is too much for you right now.

Well, that's just it. I'm on the truck all week.

Okay.

And that's. Yeah. See, it's. It's kind of a. It's kind of a complicated situation.

Well, here's.

I mean, because I always said I was cool with it, but now that it's happening.

Exactly. This is exactly what happens, Russell. So. But here's my question for you. Do you feel that when you do see her that you're getting your needs met? And if not, what else would you need from her right now to make you feel.

Yeah, I feel like I am. I mean, it. It's actually hurt. Our situation kind of improved as far as on her end. I mean, she's more upbeat and she's, you know, more happy. And she said if she felt like a side of her was being suppressed, okay. And now she's open, now she's available to explore that side of her, so she feels more whole. But I mean, if I shut it down, then there's going to be resentment for me.

Right.

And. And I don't. I don't even know if that would leave it. I mean, because the relationship can never be what it was because this is in the open now.

Right?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Oh. The real your relationship could never be what it once was.

I don't think it could. No. Now that I know that she has the ability to love another as strongly as she loves me. You know what I mean?

I understand. But is it, is she in love with her or is she just like. How long has it been going on?

It's only been going on for two weeks now.

Oh, Russell.

It's more of an infatuation thing right now.

It's an infatuation thing. Listen, it's a new.

Yeah. The brand new relationship.

Okay. So that's what it is. It's. It's been two weeks, she's in a new relationship. It's exciting. It's been 15 years since she's been with somebody else. So this is what happens in open relationships is that people have a primary partner and then they have a secondary partner. And that partner is one that, that you know that with a secondary partner you boundaries as well and you're the main person that she like. The things that you guys would. Might be interesting is for you guys to kind of learn more about this because. Because love for many people who aren't poly. I know people have four or five partners besides their part. Their primary. Right. But there's no. They're in their partners, their main person. They're in love. They've been to. I have a lot of friends who've been open. They're together 20 years and they have partners. But they do not fall in love. They don't with another person. Like in the same way. They don't hold them in a different regard. I mean love. You know, I think we all can love many people, but not in the same way. Russell, that you guys, you know for the time you've been together. And I just think you have to be honest with her though, and not even shutting it down, but I think being vulnerable and it's only been two weeks so you're looking at a 15 year relationship. And then the last two weeks she's having pleasure and having. Having the newness that you guys haven't had in 15 years. So all this makes sense. Russell, all of this is totally, completely normal. And you sound like really healthy and you're handling it in a really mature way. But I don't think you have to deal with this on your own. And I do think you could be careful with your language and with your wife. I don't know what your com. What your communication skills are like, but just make sure say I love seeing you happy. I don't, you know, I don't want you to feel like I'm shutting this down, but I need you like, you know how it's making me feel. There's a very safe gaming if you guys are having an open relationship, people practice very rigorous honesty. And they're constantly. I mean, the people. I know that you're talking every day about these things and these emotions. So what could really happen is, Russell, you might find that you guys actually get closer if you learn to really expand your intimacy in the way you talk about this. Okay? So don't feel bad about sharing emotions and telling her how you're feeling. And maybe you just need some more reassurance from her. And I don't know what you need yet, but you figure it out as you go along. Like Ray said, it's like at the beginning, it wasn't easy. He said that 20 minutes ago. It's not supposed to be easy. And I know you couldn't have looked through all of it beforehand, but. But right now I just need you to. One step at a time, go talk to your wife and have some real feelings about emotions and vulnerabilities. Okay? And I'll be here every night, Russell. So call me back with the neck. You know, the next step, the next conversation.

Sounds great.

Okay. Thanks, Russell. Yeah, 888-947-8277. That can happen. It's true, it can be hard. Emotions and boundaries and all the things. But you have to, if you can get through this, part of it could really strengthen a relationship. And if you don't, you realize it's. You abort the mission. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you for sharing it with a friend, for rating us and reviewing us wherever you listen. I appreciate you all so much. And thanks to my great team. I love you, Ken, Kristin, Elisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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