Visualize Your Vulva

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

Your clitoris runs along your pelvic floor muscles. And so when your body kicks in with muscle memory through Kegel exercises or whatever, your body kicks in before you're having an orgasm. And it goes, wait, hold on. I know how to do this through muscle memory and I know how to do it really strong. So let's just have this mind blowing orgasm.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, how well do you know the vulva? The vagina? Well, in this episode, I'm joined by four guests for V101. We're talking about how to take care of your vulva, the importance of strengthening your pelvic floor, WTF is up with menopause, and so much more. My first guest is Op Gyn, author of the Shiology book series and an expert in all things women's sexual health, Dr. Sherry Ross. She shares the importance of getting to know your or your partner's vulva and vagina, the relationship between insecurity and porn, solutions for painful sex, and of course, squirting. Next, we Have Mary Ellen Ryder from Yarlap who joins me to talk about the importance of the pelvic floor muscles. Did you know stronger pelvic floor muscles can make for stronger orgasms? It's true. Finally, the founder of Taboo, Natalie Waltz, and her mother, Ahud Debas, helped me demystify menopause and discuss how masturbation can help increase your libido. Intentions with Emily for each episode, Join me in setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to give you insights into aspects of female sexual health and the vagina and the vulva that often get overlooked. If you have an email you'd like to send me, go to sexwithemily.com askemily. All you gotta do is include your name, your gender identity, your location, your age, and how you listen to the show. All right, everyone, enjoy this special episode.

Dr. Sherry Ross, aka Dr. Sherry, is an OB GYN, author of the Definitive guide to Women's Intimate Health Period, and the sequel. Let's continue the conversation. She's a health expert. She's been a passionate advocate for women's health for over 25 years, and she's received nearly every top doctor, super doctor and patient's choice award in the United States. And you can find more about her@drsheri.com welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you here. I feel like I can't believe our paths have not crossed because you really are part of this vagina revolution, and you've been such an advocate for women, creating such powerful resources and products. So could you tell everyone about yourself before we get into all the questions?

Sure, sure.

Well, first of all, just grateful to be on the show. So I'm just an OB GYN private practice, Santa Monica for over 25 years. I love what I do, and I always say that my most important conversations are when a woman's legs are in stirrups, because that's when I get to hear all the good stuff. And a lot of my creations have really come from the need that I see is missing for women in sexual wellness. My books really came from those conversations. It was beyond our bodies, ourselves. I just thought, you know, these are. This is stuff I have to write down.

So your books are fabulous. First off, the definitive guide to women's Intimate Health period. And then the shequel. Let's continue the conversation. And I felt, when I looked at them, like, finally, I have a resource now to send all the women in my life, like, this is your present, no matter what age you are.

I love that.

And so I love that your book is all things V. It's like the healthy V, the hormonal V, the benched V, collapsed V, divorced V. Thank you. And we are just walking around. Women don't want to look at themselves. I mean, I was thinking, so many memories came back to me. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I was living in San Francisco, and I had a male gynecologist. The one question was like, are you having regular sex? Are you using protection? Like, how many partners do you have? And I always felt so grateful. The years that I had a partner, one partner. And then there's some years, I'm like six, you know, and I was like, in my open stage, so I was like, you know, all genders. So I. But I felt shame. And it was just. That one question was just like, okay, can we get past the part about my sex? I don't want you to think I'm sexual. His hands are in my vagina. So it's just like, we don't. And I always say this on my show, we don't want to talk to our doctors about our vaginas. We don't talk to our friends about it. We don't even want to take a look. Right? So you really get women to not only take a look with a mirror, but you get them to really understand the importance. It's so empowering to know your vagina and to understand it and to keep saying the word, you know, that's right.

I mean, you know, she's our best friend, like our BFFs. We have to nurture them. We have to get to know them and empower ourselves. And, you know, listen, it's a cultural issue that we are all fighting to stand arm in arm, do grassroot movements together, you know, to change this conversation, because we are taking back our bodies slowly but surely.

I love something that you said. And I think we should just start with the vagina in general. I've heard you say, treat your vagina like you would the skin on your face. And I thought, yeah, I would never use the same soap on my face. I don't even use my body soap on my face. But with the vagina, we just kind of skip over it. So what don't we know about taking care of our vagina?

I always say, this is a very delicate area of skin. There's sweat gland, there's hair follicles. And women are confused how to take care of this area. So if you just use it as the same way, use special cleansers, hydrating creams, and moisturizers that you do your face that you would use on your vulva. And that's how we have to start caring and thinking about this very important delicate area of our body.

Right.

And can I use my same products on my face or on my vagina? Or do you think we have to use different products?

I think you sort of do because it's all about the PH balance for so many things that we use there. So there's special products that are made for the face that may have retinol in it or different ingredients that you may not use on the vagina. And some of those products used on your face can also be drying. So, you know, anything that's not cared for, moisturized and cleansed can get dry. Dryness leads to itching, irritation and painful sex problems. Exercising, shaving, lasering, whatever you're doing down there is drying out the skin.

Yes, it's dry. It does get dry. It really does. I mean, you don't realize it, I guess, because we're not looking at our bodies and you've looked at a lot. And I also love people should check out your visual vagina library@drsheri.com yeah, you guys, if you want to know, you guys are often saying to me, I don't know what a whoa, what's wrong with you? I'm like, they're like. Vaginas are like snowflakes. They're all different. And if you don't believe me, go to your website and look at it. It's such a great resource to illustrate the different kinds of vaginas and vulvas that women have.

The visual vaginal library VVL I did it with my first book and I wanted it to be show and tell. I wanted women to be able to, you know, to see what I was talking about. If you have a vaginal tear and you're having painful sex and you look at your vagina, you see a big tear, then you go to the VVL on my Dr. Sherry site. All of a sudden you're like, oh my God, I have that, or an infection or, you know, how big are my lips?

I'm wondering if you saw with the ubiquity of porn, probably when the smartphones end up in our pocket, like 2005, did you see an increase in women asking about their labias? And is there something wrong with my vagina? Am I not normal or has that been happening?

Yes. The answer is unequivocally yes. I mean, everyone's. How do I get the perfect vagina? Or what I'm noticing is that the boyfriends are commenting. And in fact, the perfect V was my first chapter in the shiology book, because this was new, this whole conversation.

And you do this so well in your book, Shiology and all your materials, that there's nothing to be shameful for. Your vagina's fine the way it is. Like, the more confident we are with it, it's gonna be fine. But it is that one partner that might shame you or say something, and then it's just gut wrenching. You know, you're like, oh, God, you just want to take it away.

And I'll tell you, I mean, there are people who do, you know, have a long labia. There are people that are out there, but. But for the most part, your vulva is beautiful and uneven. Just like our eyes, our breasts. Anything in twos, right, Emily? Anything in twos?

Yes, exactly. Everything is uneven. That is so true. Women. Now, what about squirting? See, I just want to ask you the questions that I get asked. Can every woman learn to squirt?

Hmm. It can be hard sometimes, but I think the G spot and other spots in the vagina where these liquids are coming out under the, you know, that little Skene's gland area. I think we all have the capability. I mean, they say up to 70% of women can squirt. Maybe it's not the one we've all seen of the porn arc that goes about 10ft, that porn.

Exactly. That's not gonna happen.

Right? But you know, you get wet, and sometimes you get more wet than other times, and you're like, oh, I'm sitting in this new puddle on my bed. I mean, that is squirting as well, wouldn't you say? I think there's just different.

Yeah, it is squirting. We all get wet. It's just that we think it's gonna be like this geyser, like, you see before, like, come and spread your vagina. And it's not. But do it for yourself. Cause you wanna learn, not. Cause your partner's like, hey, can you do that cool thing that you're gonna squirt all over the place? I don't want that. Have you found that in the work that you're doing? Is there any universal thing that you found in all these years that is just a. Like what women just really need to know? If you're like, this is what women? I want you to know this about your vagina.

Well, I want them first and foremost to look at it. I will see women in their 40s and 50s who have never looked at their vagina, and they're almost embarrassed. But I'm always like, oh, let's just look together and I'll pull it out. But I mean, the clitoris, the road to success. I mean, you have to know where it is, what's your anatomy. I think it's so important to know. And then I really think it's important to know how to care for your vagina, how to clean it. And vagina, meaning vulva and vagina. I think this is what's also been a problem for us, is, you know, it used to be vagina meant everything, Right?

So let's talk about caring for the vagina.

Yeah.

What is the best? Because I actually have your incredible. This moisturizer. Let's care for it. What do we do? What should we do? And what.

Yeah, I mean, listen. The vulva. Yes. You need to clean that area and all the little crevices and under the clitoral hood and the opening of the vagina, you need to clean it because of all the bacteria that's nearby from the rectum and the urine and just sweating and the hair follicles. So you need to clean that area. And then what I love, and I used to tell women all the time, extra virgin coconut oil. Soak in it. Soak in it. Soak in a bath, because it is the greatest hydrator around.

So I get a lot of questions from listeners, and I would love to, if you could help me answer some of them here. This is from Grace, 37 in Kentucky. Dear Dr. Emily, I was wondering if you could speak on perimenopause. I think I may be going through it, but when I've spoken with my gynecologist about it, my last two annual exams, she's been dismissive, saying, you're kind of young for that. I realize I'm young for it, but my mother went through early menopause at 40, and I'm approaching 40 myself. I have symptoms like hair loss, anxiety, mood swings, heavier than normal periods. I used to feel cold all the time. Now I'm hot. I have occasional hot flashes and night sweats and occasional vaginal dryness. My monthly menstrual migraine seem to have gotten better. Should I have blood work done? Is there some kind of way to know if I'm starting perimenopause? I've read mixed articles saying Hormones are changing so much during menopause that testing isn't accurate. Should I assume I am? I think knowing would help with my anxiety. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. And I just want to say that I get. And this came in last night. Really? What should we tell Grace here?

Yeah, first of all, I just. My heart goes out to you. You know, you are not alone. And perimenopause. So it's usually you're 10 years before menopause. Now, if the average age of menopause is 51, usually your 40s. But, you know, listen, it definitely can be happening in someone in their late 30s. And you're describing exactly what perimenopause is. All the symptoms. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, depression, anxiety, heart palpitations, panic attacks, you know, hair loss. And you're probably having regular periods. And your FSH and estradiol, which are the hormones. Hopefully she's checking. And if she hasn't, your doctor should. And they're probably going to be normal. No big surprise. But that is perimenopause. And I think that we are not treating our perimenopause patients correctly because there are remedies that you can use and it doesn't have to be hrt, hormone replacement therapy or the pill. There's some great herbs that work so well with science behind them for just these symptoms. So passionflower extract and chaste berry are amazing. Alone, you can do each of those alone and to treat a lot of these symptoms. And there was a, you know, our Menopause Society meetings had a poster, like a science poster, looking at passion flower extract, recommending it to our breast cancer patients who can't take estrogen. But it's a really great way of treating a lot of these symptoms because we know, you know, the eye of the storm is coming.

Yeah. Giving you back the estrogen. Because that's what we're talking about, is that as you start to lose estrogen, the lining of the vagina walls become thinner, less lubrication, all those things. So if you can take hormones in a healthy way, like, why not. It's 10 years. We're talking 10 years perimenopause. And then menopause is when you don't actually don't get a period for a year. But we're talking 10 years, women, at least 10. Right. Or give or take.

But perimenopause is it. And, you know, again, if you are taking care of your vulva and vagina and you're hydrating it, I will Say this. I'm a very big fan of hyaluronic acid. And we do use it for the vagina inside and outside. And our Urge Intimates has it in the formulation because it is so good for hydrating the cells. And menopause is so hard and drying. And it begins in perimenopause. There are hyaluronic acid that you can use inside instead of estrogen. They've done great studies, Emily, looking at estrogen and hyaluronic acid just inside for vulva or vaginal atrophy. Dry thinning of the tissue. And hyaluronic acid did great. I mean, it had the same benefits.

Thank you for this. This is good information. Don't you have wearable dilators that you've created? I do.

I do.

It's amazing. I was like, you make wearable dilators like that? Women can just wear around and do the dishes. Let's. I mean, I've talked a lot about women going to pelvic floor therapists, but once they get treated, they could just wear it on their own. Like, talk about the process of wearing a dilator.

I am a huge advocate of sexual wellness. And, you know, what I was seeing was a. We weren't offering enough conversation and knowledge, but we weren't offering enough solutions. And the traditional dilators were these long dilators that you'd have to lie on the bed for 20 to 30 minutes two or three times a week. And patient said to me, she's like, if I'm laying down, I'm either sleeping or I'm dead. So, you know, there was a time factor. And so I said, we need to make them so you can wear them. Because at least if I'm sitting in a chair, I'm working out or cooking dinner or, you know, even reading a bedtime story to my child. I mean, you're stretching the entrance, which is where a lot of women have discomfort. And it's not just about the loop.

Yeah, I love your dilators. I was, like, so excited they exist. You know what I was thinking? It's like, if you were my gynecologist, I would be excited to go, Dr. Sherry. But we think about it. We think, oh, God, the gynecologist is like going to the dentist, and I just got to get in and get out. But I want to encourage everyone listening who has a vagina and a vulva to be like, I get to go spend an hour, like, with my power source with somebody who is an expert in this area. I'm excited to go to the Gynecologist, I get to ask these questions so it helps my sexual health and my wellness. Like, I want us to be like, yay, I get to take charge, you know, so let's take responsibility for our own pleasure here and our own vaginas. Let's talk about more of the causes of vaginal pain, because I really, I get asked this every day and it feels like it's even more so lately. So what are the causes of pain that we don't really realize?

It's a very long list of potential reasons. I think, you know, the most common that I find is vaginal dryness. Women aren't getting adequately lubricated. You know, not enough foreplay, because we know how that works. You know, it takes a woman 13 to 20 minutes of an orgasm, and for a guy, three to five. And, you know, there's not enough of the warm up. And women need the warm up. So that tends to be the most common reason. And of course, we look to using lube and making sure and communicating with your partner, you know, that you might need to be more revved up. But also if you are stressed or you drink a lot of alcohol or you're smoking cigarettes or using antihistamines or birth control or antidepressants that can also affect your ability to naturally lubricate. I think infrequent intercourse is another one that we just don't talk about.

Well, how do you define infrequent?

Well, that's a great question. I mean, if the average is once a week, let's say. But you know, infrequent is once a month is infrequent in my mind. But I'm talking more if you're in between relationships. And, you know, if it's birthday and anniversary sex, that's infrequent too. But this is where, like, dilators to me are so important, because I had a patient and she was in her, you know, late 40s, and she said, I haven't seen my husband in two months. He's been working out of town, and I know I'm going to have painful sex. And she said, what can I do about it? And I said, well, let me show you how to use these dilators. But what's nice about it is they come in smaller sizes and they're just not so intimidating. So you can definitely use them twice, three times a week. You leave them in for, you know, half hour. And she called me, she's like, oh my God, I'm having the best sex ever. And she said, I don't have pain. We didn't have to go through that. I didn't get a bladder infection.

So when I hear those stories, it makes me really happy. Yeah.

Can we explain real justify what a dilator is in case people don't know? Because I got all excited about your dilators, but we didn't even explain what they are.

So dilators are to stretch out the entrance, the opening of the vagina to make anything that you put in there later not. Not uncomfortable.

And it could also be tampons or penis or a finger or whatever it is. It can just. And also it gets you in. If you're someone who's not having frequent sex. I just love the idea of wearing it. For how long do you ask? Suggest people wear it.

So you can wear it for 30 minutes, you can wear it for 5 minutes.

What about people who have repeated UTIs or yeast infections? They always want to know, like, why me? Why is it just your ph? Is it something new?

Assuming it's with the same partner and you're having regular penetration or regular contact. Because even if you have a steady relationship, but you're having penetration sex once a month, you're more apt to get a uti.

So it's really taking a deeper dive into knowing the why. Recurrent yeast infection. Recurrent gardnerella bacterial infection are common. Women in the 40s to 50s especially. And I'm convinced it's due to the hormonal changes that affect the ph balance. But there are, like, boric acid capsules that you can use to neutralize and keep the vagina acidic, because that's what you want. Or there are some really great products that are preventative for UTIs that have D Mannose in them that sort of prevent the bacteria from latching onto the bladder. So there are things that can be done. It's not just throwing antibiotics your way. There are things you can do.

Okay, well, thank you for all the work that you're doing. I have to ask you now, Dr. Sherry, the five quickie questions that we ask all of our guests. Okay, ready? What's your biggest turn on?

Passionate kissing while listening to our favorite playlist in the background.

Oh, okay. Biggest turn off. Oh.

Not showering regularly.

What makes good sex?

Just love.

Love. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Get that mirror out. Know your body. Learn to masturbate. Before you have any sexual experience. Know yourself.

Number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex.

How great it is when you take control of it.

Yes. Dr. Sherry, thank you so much for being Here, where can people find you?

Instagram. Dr. Sherry R. You can find me ellentubeladyparts and also my website, Dr.sherry com and I would love to continue our conversation. Emily.

Definitely. Dr. Sherry. We're gonna put all of your information in the show notes and thank you, Dr. Sherry for being here.

Thank you for having me. Emily.

I'm gonna take a quick break. Thank you for supporting our sponsor. Stick around. I'm talking to Mary Ellen Rider from Yarlab about how to maintain a strong pelvic floor.

Foreign.

I'm so excited for my next guest, Mary Ellen Rider. She's here to join me. She's the co director of Yarlap, which you've heard me talk about for over a year. It's a wellness device to treat urinary incontinence and improve sexual performance through your muscle control. A Yarlap is an FDA cleared device. You simply insert it like a tampon and Yarlab does Kegels for you safely and effectively. Find more@yarlap.com y a r l A P. I love your story, Mary Ellen. Welcome to the show and thank you. Thank you for making such an incredible product that so many women vulva owners need. And I just thought it was a time to have you on because we get so many emails from people too saying, what was that thing you talked about? And then also, what do I do? Would I sneeze and pee and urinary incontinence and the whole thing. And then when I got to hear your actual story, I was like, we just got to bring you on the show. So thank you for what, the work that you've done, really for women. But tell me please just like, how did you get interested in pelvic floor health?

My dad is a medical device engineer and he designed this device. And I was working for Women for Women International as an intern and I saw that when women as a society are happier, society itself is happier. It's kind of the root. And I didn't know a lot about incontinence or the pelvic floor at all and realize that my closest friends had it too.

And in their 20s.

Yeah. And nobody wanted to talk about it and nobody wanted to call it by its name. They were like, I laugh a little bit and then I pee, but it's totally normal. It's fine. And I was like, no, it's not. It's not normal.

So first let's just kind of explain and break down what we're talking about with urinary incontinence. Like, so let's just explain kind of what goes on.

Imagine a hammock. It's a bunch of muscles that zigzag like a hammock across your pubic bone to the back of your spine. And it holds everything together into its natural position. Right? Your bladder, your uterus, your visceral organs, all into its natural positions, the foundation. And these muscles, over time or through repetitive motion, like running or jumping, childbirth, pregnancy, weight, hormones, so many things, the list goes on and on. Can weaken them, or if we never engage them properly, they atrophy, they weaken from lack of use, and these muscles then start to sag. So your hammock starts to sag, and everything falls and shifts from its natural position. And you have these things where you have instances of laughing, coughing, sneezing, jumping, and you pee a little bit, or you have a random urge to pee and you involuntarily pee. Right. It's kind of like a hug, a really tight hug on your bladder, and you can't control it. And that all comes from your pelvic floor muscles losing that tone.

The interesting thing is women of all ages, so you always hear, you know, we often hear, like, after childbirth, obviously, your pelvic floor is disrupted. You have a human come out of your vagina. There's going to be some stuff. But also, just even without childbirth and women, you said, even in their twenties. So how would you explain that?

There's a big misconception where people are like, well, I run and I'm very active, but I don't think that my pelvic floor is weak, but I do pee a little bit. And that's all correlated. It's all interrelated. Just because you run or you do squats or you do yoga doesn't mean that you are engaging your pelvic floor. Exactly. And so there's just different ways to exercise the body. And I think we often neglect the pelvic floor. And it's extremely important to make sure that those muscles are engaged and properly toned.

Kegels are great and you should still do them, but this, like, does them for you.

Yeah. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. We're basically all told to do Kegel exercises. And then we're told because of that, we have these benefits. Right. So we have point A and point B, but we don't really know how to get there. And we go online and we try to read these instructions, and they don't make sense, or we end up using the wrong muscles. Right. And so the rlap, what it does is it just does everything for you. It takes that guesswork of am I doing the right muscle group, Am I doing it correctly, Am I doing it for the right amount of time? All those questions are taken care of for you. And all you have to do is just sit there or lie down or walk around once a day, three to five days a week. The RL apps got you completely set. It just sends that signal directly to your pelvic floor muscles to engage and it feels like a firm handshake in the vagina. I mean, everybody has a different sensation, but that's the most common one.

I went away for a week and this is great for me because it got me in the habit. But I took a little self vacation away and I packed my R lap. For me, I felt a difference after doing it for about 10 days. It was like a week I was doing it and I felt that they were stronger. I didn't have any of the sneezing and pee. And here's the best part, is that when you're strengthening your pelvic floor, those happen to be the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. And you've probably heard this from reviews and stuff. My orgasms were stronger. Like sex was better. Masturbation, they were stronger, different. Is this what you hear from women?

Yeah. Your clitoris is like an iceberg, right. So you only see like 20% of it in the bulb, but it runs along your pelvic floor muscles. And so when you're orgasming, you feel like a clenching, a pulse. That's your pelvic floor muscles. And so when your body kicks in with muscle memory through kegel exercises or whatever, like it does with the yar lap, your body kicks in before you're having an orgasm. And it goes, wait, hold on. I know how to do this through muscle memory and I know how to do it really strong and I know how to do it really well. So let's just have this mind blowing orgasm because it's all interrelated.

Yeah. Seen studies about women like dragging bowling balls through their kegel. Have you ever seen that woman?

She like drags big objects. Like they're not, it's not like I'm bringing this like small little piece across the table. It's like I'm towing cars across like a rail line.

She tows cars with her pelvic floor muscles that are very strong. So what I love about this, this, this device is that it's just. Yes, I could sit, do my kegels or I could wear a yoni egg and all the things, but this is just fast tracks and I want, like, quick results. That's the thing. Also why I'm obsessed, because it doesn't take long. Just be consistent. Okay, so what about women with pain? Studies have shown that 80% of women are going to experience pain at some point in their life during sex. And some women, it's all the time.

Yeah. If you do experience pain during sex, talk to somebody, whether it's a sex therapist, your doctor, your general practitioner, to see if your pelvic floor muscles are tight. Right. And they need to learn how to relax. So a lot of people think that cable exercises are a one size fits all miracle exercise, and that's not necessarily true. They're fantastic. I love them. But for people who have super tight pelvic floor muscles, clenching already tight muscles isn't going to do any favors. So the Yarlab does offer relaxation programs to teach your muscles to relax. But sex should not be painful. And sometimes those are big indicators that that pelvic floor muscle is tight. And you should probably talk to somebody to see if pelvic floor relaxation exercises is the more accurate path for you, because I think that that's really important. I think that it's often neglected where we're like, okay, we have to clench them, they have to be tight. But what about people who have it and it's already tight? What do they do?

Right. Exactly. Also, I always say you could also find a pelvic floor physical therapist.

Yes. Yep.

That's a game changer. When I first learned about that profession. We've done a lot of great podcasts with Heather Jeffcoat, who is a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can look for those, but we talk about that. Listen, if you're experiencing pain during sex, that is not your lot in life. Doesn't have to always be painful. You don't have to suffer.

I think that that's a big thing. That women were kind of. Or vulva havers or whomever. Anyone has been basically told that this is like the cards that you're dealt with. And that's not true. That is not true. And the R Lab, we do actually work very heavily with pelvic floor therapists because we're all in this together. Right. We're all trying to. Trying to figure these muscles out. And we do strongly encourage people, like, if you do have pain or there is something up, like you just feel something's different or weird, definitely talk to a pelvic floor therapist. If you have that luxury.

Absolutely.

Oh, you are a dream. Mary Ellen, thank you so much for the work that you do and your family and your dad. People will love this. Try it out. This is going to make a lot of vulvas happy and healthy.

I think so too. So thank you.

Thank you for being here. Mary Ellen, where can people find you?

Or you can find us@yarlap.com y a r l a p dot com. You can shoot us an email or a chat or whatever. And also on our Instagram at Yarlap Y A R L A P underscore.

Okay, Marilyn, I'm going to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests.

Okay.

What's your biggest turn on?

Biggest turn on is the back of my neck. I don't think that a lot of people really give that area a lot of love, but I think it's really important.

I think so too. Biggest turnoff.

This is going to sound terrible because I think communication is extremely important, but, like, a lot of talking. I don't want to hear, like, your agenda or about your day. I know that sounds terrible, but, like, I'm here for pleasure and like, communication is great, but I don't need to know about, like, your workload and all this other stuff.

Are they like, oh, I got to get back to that, that email. I just got an alert. I got to send my boss that PDF.

Yeah. And they're like, just like reiterating what they were doing the entire day. I'm like, wait, what are we doing?

That is not foreplay. Okay, what makes good sex?

Your pelvic floor muscles.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Sex.

Sex doesn't necessarily mean love. And that it's okay to use plenty of lubrication. Like, it's okay. Lube it up.

No shame in the lube game. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That your pelvic floor muscles are incredibly important to the whole thing. I think a lot of people compartmentalize them where it's like, there's intimacy, health, and then there's sex. And in reality, they're all intertwined. There is no hard line separating the two.

All right, well, thank you so much, Mary Ellen, for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. This was so fun.

When we come back, I'm talking to Natalie Waltz and Ahud Dabas from Taboo, all about opening up the conversation about female sexual health and self care.

Natalie Waltz is the founder and CEO of Taboo, the first sexual wellness kit Made for menopause, the kit features a lightweight, discreet massager and organic healing lubricant designed to help you confidently kick off and maintain your sexual wellness routine. Natalie was inspired to create the product after a conversation with her mother about sex and physical and emotional changes that take place during menopause. Natalie's mother, AHU Dabas, is also on the show with us. Not only was she the inspiration for the company, but she's also a mother of four and currently studying at the University of San Diego. You can find more@heytaboo.com that's H E Y T A B U I'm so excited that you're both here. Let's talk about Taboo because it is a beautiful sexual wellness kit made for menopause. And I know you were inspired to create this product after conversation with your mother. So welcome both to the show. Can you just walk me through this conversation?

Absolutely.

It's not a conversation I ever expected having, but it was actually started off by an old friend of mine reaching out to me to tell me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who talked to her mom about menopause. It was so removed from me, but she was really struck by the sexual health side effects. Things like 90% of women can experience pain or discomfort during sex. So much so that 50% just stopped being sexually active altogether in their 50s. And these numbers were so big, they really caught me off guard. And I tell people I truly don't know what came over me, but I hung up the phone and I texted my mom and I said, hey, do you or your friends have pain or discomfort during sex? I still have the screenshots of these text messages because it was just like ha ha's for days. And when we got through all those hahas, we had a really sobering conversation. You know, she knew exactly what's happening to her body, admitted it wasn't just physical, but deeply emotional, really affecting how she feels about herself and her relationship with my stepdad. And I was quite stunned. You know, not only did it dawn on me that this was the first sex talk I've ever had with my Middle Eastern mama. Like, she was born in Syria. This isn't table talk for us, but I do talk to her at least once a day. And I was troubled by the fact that she had no idea. I had no idea, rather, that something so meaningful was happening.

And you were 30 at the time, right? Or you're 30.

I was 30. This was last year.

Last year.

Wow.

So. So, okay, what were you feeling when you got that text?

Well, you can imagine. I thought, oh my gosh, she must have either fallen on her head or she's drinking. Like, what kind of text is this? Like Natalie said, it's not a conversation we've ever had. And the best way I can describe it is, you know when you hear that song that just says exactly what you're thinking, but you just can't. Like, you've never said those words out loud. And it almost like it was a confirmation of so much that I was feeling but never had spoken about, you know? And so she literally just opened the door for me to have those conversations.

Yeah. Well, that's really. I love that you guys had never talked about sex before, so. Never. It had never come up. Not once? No.

I mean, to be totally transparent, my boyfriend and I moved in together and that was an issue. And we're engaged now and mama still pretends like we don't sleep in the same room so we don't talk about sex.

What I love about your product is it really is so beautifully designed and it's such a great ease of use. I have it right here. I love that it's warming, it feels good. It makes you feel okay with yourself that you're just going to take some time to get to know your body. Can you talk to me about the process of creating Taboo? Because it's. I hadn't seen anything like this in my 15 years.

How it happened was really that there was that initial text exchange and some phone calls with my mom. And then that quickly precipitated into a focus group that we had at her house with a bunch of girlfriends was this big, beautiful room full of women, many of whom were not born in this country and their first and only sexual partner is their husband of many decades. And they were of the mind of, I don't care if you're feeding me. I don't talk to my husband about this. I don't talk to my doctor about this. I'm not going to talk to you about this. I consider these ladies my aunties. But it was like anything when you create a safe space and somebody starts to share, it was as though the floodgates had opened. And it's funny how so often we're talking about vaginal dryness, but then we get into what it means to be a woman and what it feels like to be a woman in your post fertile years and how brands treat you, how your relationships treat you. And so it was so much bigger than perhaps the physical manifestation. Manifestations of symptoms. And I remember feeling at that moment that I don't know what nerve we've struck, but there's something really special here and I just have to learn more. So I started talking to anyone and everyone I could get my hands on. But what was really fascinating on the treatment side were what providers were recommending to women either in concert with hormones or instead of. And so what I heard over and over again was the phrase use it or lose it. All these providers telling women that regular sexual activity was a way to both treat and prevent many menopausal symptoms like vaginal dryness, atrophy, incontinence, low libido, you name it. And that meant that these providers I was talking about were telling women to go out and buy a vibrator lubricant and kind of think of sex differently. Think about it in terms of introducing it into their overall wellness routine. And I thought of my mom and I thought of that room of women like my mom still can't say the word vibrator out loud. It's uncomfortable for her, so she's just not going to do that. And so that's kind of a challenge and opportunity we saw with Taboo was could we create a brand and a product experience that really celebrated honored sexual wellness as we age with products and services that feel more akin to what you would expect from like a high end skin care brand than a sexual wellness company. And we created this sexual wellness kit and what I think I like most about it is that educational component. So we just don't give you the tools and then walk away. You a detailed guide of why it's important, how it's connected to your health.

It's really unique because it's a massager and it warms. Can you talk about the decision to have it warming? Like how did you figure out that this is what we needed? Because we do. Absolutely.

The reason between the warming system was to help stimulate blood flow and that gets harder as we get older.

Yeah, this is half, almost, maybe more than half the population are going to go through this menopause, perimenopause. But it still is really, really taboo, if you will, which is tabu is your product. But I love that you're just taking all the shame out there. I would. What do you feel about this?

In the past it's been when you go to the doctor and you become at that age, there's that conversation of, well, you're just at that age. This is what happens when we get old that you just got to accept this as part of aging. And to understand that there. No, there's a fix it. There's a way to go around it.

Right.

I think that conversation shift is so important, and it will take a lot for people my age and a little bit older to change mindset on it, but I think it's happening slowly.

I love that. What I found with my friends is that eventually it comes, you know, because it's me. So everyone talks to me about everything. I'm the open thing.

But.

But really, it's like they've tried hormones or they haven't. Or sex hurts, or they have dryness, they have pain, they have low desire. What am I missing? Night sweats, weight gain. And yes, you can attribute to perimenopause or menopause. But I hear from women too, in their 20s and 30s who are having pain, they have low desire. And so having this conversation, I think we need to have it with women of all ages. But it does definitely change a little bit more intensely in your. Whenever you start menopause, early 40s. And it can go on for. I love that they're like, it could go on for 10 years, 15 years. Yeah.

And I think for me also, because you feel something's wrong with you, right? Like you're not performing the way you used to, but you're, you know, you love your. Your spouse, you're into it, but your body's not reacting the way it used to. So you feel like there's something wrong with you. And if you don't have the knowledge of why physiologically this is happening to you, your mind can go elsewhere. You could be like, oh, what's wrong with me? Am I having different feelings? You know, and that can be frustrating for your partner also. So understanding that it is not something wrong with you mentally, it is something wrong with your body. It's just changing, and you need to just adjust to it. Is also. I think it's like a relationship savior.

I also think that you bring up a great point in this idea of low libido, and I think that this is something I've learned in the past couple of years, is that our libido is in a constant state of change throughout our lives. Just because we experience a dip in libido at some point in our lives doesn't mean that can't go back to up again. And I think I'm discouraged by, you know, girlfriends of mine who are not even in their 30s yet who go see their doctor about low libido. And the first thing they prescribe As a shot they take before sex rather than things like masturbating, you know, to increase libido. And it just seems odd that we would jump to those types of solutions before just using the thing that comes so naturally to our bodies as a way to help, you know, change the way that we're experiencing desire or how, you know, prevalent desire is in our everyday lives.

I want to talk about we're reconnecting to our bodies because maybe we never were really connected, maybe we never masturbated, maybe we were in a relationship and we just wait for our partner to initiate. So this is really a tool to help women just reconnect, even if it's for the first time. And just to kind of explore in a way that feels safe. Yeah.

And also honoring the fact that it does feel good and that it's okay for it to feel good and that there's power and pleasure. Right. As well. But staying away from goal oriented thinking. And that every time I use this thing I must orgasm or something has to happen. It's like the practice alone is very therapeutic. And the more you do it, the more your body is going to react. And so we recommend women, you know, introducing this into their routine. Use Taboo two to three times a week and they just set aside that time and this is their time. And, you know, hopefully over time you continue to do it for yourself. Perhaps you introduce your partner sometimes, but it's not necessary. But really, just being really intentional about that space and that time for yourself I think is really powerful.

It's true. It gets into a routine. The other thing we're talking about is desire too. Because desire is something that changes throughout your lifetime. Maybe you're on certain medications or the pill or after childbirth. And again, I hear from women all ages who just aren't really in the mood anymore. And that's something that maybe it takes a little bit more effort to get yourself turned on and aroused, but that's okay, you'll get there too. So we're just relying on our, our mind. Like we respond to something to get us turned on. We don't just get head over the head with, oh, I can't wait to have sex with my partner right now. We need to keep sex top of mind, continue to touch ourselves, continue to feed ourselves with things that make us feel sexy. And so I think that we can't be afraid of doing a little bit bit more, a little bit extra. And this can start at any age. I think the more you make it a habit of being connected with yourself, the more likely you're going to carry that through your lifetime.

I totally agree.

You guys want to help me answer a question as well?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. Well, I thought this would be especially all the research you guys have done, this would be a great one to answer. I thought this was so interesting. This is from Trish, 47, in Illinois. And she says, Dr. Emily, when people talk about painful sex during menopause or perimenopause, what does that feel like? Is that stinging, burning pain from micro tears in the vulva, skin, vagina entrance because the skin gets thinner? Is it more like cramping? Is it only pain during intercourse? No one describes the pain. No one talks about this. I don't really have anyone in my life I can ask these things to. What is the pain? And I thought this would be a great one to talk about because I know you've talked to so many women. Natalie, same with you. Ahud. You've talked to your friends. So I want to say yes, Trish, all of those things I was going.

To say, I was going to say, Trish, all the above is what I've heard that, you know, burning, itching, bleeding. We have a lot of women that report that even if, you know, they try to put any use any type of tool, they bleed right away. And that's just because their vaginal walls are really thin and they're tearing. And a lot of these women that I've spoken to experience this when they're walking around. It doesn't have to be just when they're in the act or trying to have intercourse. It can be when they're just walking down the street because their parts are just so sensitive right now. And I think that can be a combination of things and it can be extremely painful. I've had women explain that trying to have intercourse feels like knives going into your vagina, which is not pleasant to even think about. But over time, if you continue to work at that and treat it as a muscle and you can see that start to change.

Absolutely. There's just a lot more treatments. There was nothing like Taboo before. So I just want to say that everyone be patient. We've got a lot of solutions on our site. Everyone should check out your site. It is hey, Taboo. T A B U. I love this. You such a beautiful product. It's so light and easy to use and easy to manage and easy to stick with it. It's just such a beautiful routine. And thank you for being here.

Thank you so much, Emily. This is such a pleasure. And you are absolutely wonderful.

Well, thank you so much for having us and opening up this forum to just kind of share with you.

Yeah, it's such a pleasure. Thank you for being here.

Thank you.

Thanks so much Emily.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of the this episode, they will too. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex, what sex toy should I try? And so much more. Sign up for Weekly Emails I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com there's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep Sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep and, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus Use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sexwithemily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.