"What Happens When You Stop Reacting and Start Responding"

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And I know our the way our we function as a unit. Like I know if I gotta go to the airport I gotta tell her it's a half hour before and then I know she might make it on time and if not, she's gonna have to pee before we leave. So I'll be right there is at least 15 minutes. So you just gotta learn how to communicate with you. I'll be right there.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today I'm talking with comedian Adam Ferrara about the communication skills that have kept his long term marriage thriving. We're diving into the messy realities of relationships. How to stop walking on eggshells around your partner. Why worry isn't the same as responsibility. And what it really takes to choose responding over reacting when your emotions are running high. Adam shares his journey with anxiety add and learning to separate his thoughts from his identity through meditation and therapy will also help a caller navigate a tough situation. She's losing sexual attraction to her boyfriend of two years despite loving everything else about him. And she's been messaging someone else for that missing spark. Will explore whether sexual chemistry can be built or if some relationships are missing that essential foundation. My intention is to show you that great relationships aren't about perfection. They're about two people willing to learn each other's patterns, communicate clearly about their needs and keep choosing to do the work together. All right, let's get into it. I love when Adam Ferreira's on the Show. He's the host of the Adam Ferreira podcast. 30 minutes you'll never get back. It feels like five. That's how good he is, right?

Emily Morse, of course, is one of my favorite episodes, and I'm glad you had me back, sweetheart. Thank you.

Oh, I love it. I love being on yours. We did a podcast swap. You know, we did do that, but Adam, we're going to take a call. We can help out. Brianna, 25, in California. Adam's in a successful marriage, and I've got some years here to help. What's going on, Brianna? How can we help you?

I am kind of in a predicament here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, got back together with him the next day because I felt like it was the wrong decision. But the reason why I did in the first place was because I, as shallow as it sounds, and it makes me so sad, is that I'm just losing sexual, like, attraction to him. I feel like our chemistry in the bedroom is just off. I've tried telling him, like, hey, I want you to be more confident and aggressive, and he's tried, and bless his heart, I love that about him, but it's just, like, it's not happening. I. I know it's not bad. I kind of have been messaging this guy, and, like, I don't see that guy as, like, relationship material. I'm just getting that, like, sexual, like, teasing, like, satisfaction, and it makes me feel. And I. I love. I love my boyfriend so much. And, like, that's why it's kind of like, okay, like, I decided to, like, stop doing that, first of all. But, like, I. I want to, like, work on that part of our relationship because literally, like, everything is perfect about this guy, except he's not, like, my typical type, and the sex is just not okay there.

I get it. Brianna, let me just tell you this. So you're 25 years old. You've been together two years, you said. And let me just tell you, this is what happens in lot of relationships. Many, most relationships, by the time you get to two years, there won't be as much of that passion and that excitement and that chemistry you had at the beginning of the relationship. That's what happens. And so what couples. What I do is I help couples figure out, well, what. How do you talk about? How do you communicate about sex? So the thing is, I'll bet that he wants to do. I bet he wants to be more. What did you say? More aggressive or more assertive? He doesn't know how, like, you guys are still, you know, you're 25, figuring it out, and so is there a way that you could if you wanted? And I appreciate. I know what you're saying, too. I was you when I was 25, and I wish someone told me that this is what happens in relationships, and you have to choose to work on it or not. You know, So I think that it's always attractive when you're dating someone. Like, this would happen to me. I date someone for two years, and this is common. And then you meet someone else, and then they're really into you, and then they make you. You get that excitement, those butterflies, that newness that you did not feel early on. You don't feel anymore with your boyfriend. So you think, well, it must be this guy. So I got to tell you, it's not probably about the other guy. So either. You have two choices here. I would say you could go back to your boyfriend, which you did, and you could choose to. To say, you know what? I realize that we both choose. Could work on this together. I don't mean to tell you that you need to just start initiating or doing different things because you have to learn it together. And then you could say, let's figure out together what feels good to both of us. Let's. You go to my website. We have something called a yes, no, maybe list you could download. It helps couples figure out what you're both into sexually. It helps that conversation. A lot of couples listen to this show or my podcast, so I think that it's more about. And you're learning, too. So the 20s are, you know, learning about yourself and your body. And so, you know, I know that he's great. I also.

Yeah, he does, like. Like. Like, I want someone to, like, go down on me and, like, you know, do some, like, no finger action. He'll do the fingering, but, like, he won't go down on me. Like, just, like, the biggest.

Well, that's a deal breaker.

And there's. Okay, right? Like, I'm like, oh, my gosh. And, like, he'll. I even said, okay, like, in the.

Shower, like, I have a question. Do you go down on him? Do you give him blowjobs?

So I'm a giver, and I have stopped giving him blowjobs and doing hand things. 1. Because he's never come. Like, when I give him blowjobs, and he says, because he gets too excited for that. He wants the vagina. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. But, like, that personally never happened to me. Like, you know, where guys never come when I'm giving him a blow job, but like that. So that kind of was disappointment. But not only that, but he's, he's very selfish. In the bedroom too, where I'm like, okay, you like? And I told him, I was like, hey, you're the bedroom and I need you to like, put me first. And he'll ask me like, what do you look like? And I'm like, well, I just like you to be confident and just do whatever you want to do. Like throw me around. Like, you know, be aggressive and like, whatever. I don't, like, I'll say no. But like, I just want you to just like, like dominate me basically. And he's just kind of not. He's just not giving me anything to work with. So that's the frustrating thing. It sucks. It's sex. Like, we can always work on that. But like, you're not. If you're. I don't know, because everything else is perfect. I'm like, I don't want to throw away this great relationship when it's just this one thing, you know?

Well, it's bigger thing. I mean, you're saying that he's. I'm not going to get Adam's take on this too. Adam, he's, you know, it's a lot of sex talking.

Has, has it ever been good and deteriorated or has it never been.

It's never really been good.

Oh, that's the issue. You're trying, you're not trying to fix something. You're trying to create something.

Yeah, right.

If it wasn't there in the beginning, you're not going to get it back. Like, because he hasn't. Doesn't have the information. He doesn't. He probably doesn't know how maybe eventually her learn to be a great lover, but the fact that he has a germ thing and he won't go down on you, like, maybe some guys don't like it because they might not know what they're doing and they feel inadequate or they. But if he just won't do it to me, that's just a no go zone. And now you're not giving him blow down.

First of all, the thing, the thing that you said, Brianna, that you should be commended for is I was doing this and I stopped because. So you have a vagina and a conscience. Good girl. So. But what if you put yourself in the mindset and ask yourself the question, do I want to build this with him and are you willing to do this with me? That's the question. If you rephrase the question, it's not like you got to get back to something that wasn't there. Do you want to go forward and make this better? Here's what I need. Here's a way we can do it. I'm open to any other way you might have. And then you work on it together.

Yeah, he's right, Dr. Adams.

It's not a problem. It's something to be accomplished.

Yeah. Okay.

It's an effort. Yeah. That is such a great way to put it. You could say to him, yeah, let's do this together. Cause you're both in it together. It's not up to you to figure it out and then see if he wants to work on it together. Cause they guarantee you both have a lot to learn together. But he has to be a willing participant. I don't know how. You sound very evolved, even conscious, like Adam said. And a vagina. Does he have the emotional maturity? Does he want to. To work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you word it like that. If he's like, I'm not interested, or we shouldn't have to work on it, you know, Then you'll know.

Yeah.

See if he's down. And you guys could figure out he's a guy for.

First thing you do is like, listen, I need to learn things about me. Will you help me? Because he's going to. He doesn't want to know that he doesn't know.

Yes.

Right.

Don't. Yeah. Because you don't know either. Let's be honest, Brianna. You probably are still discovering your body and what feels good to you at 25.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Like, I mean, definitely there's, like. That's why, like, I want to explore things. And, like, you know, I. You know, I think in the past couple years, have started getting into lube and, like, doing different things and different positions and, like, even trying to masturbate on my own because I'm like, oh, I'm just not into myself that way. There's no way I can get off. And to this day, that's still, like, a work in progress, but I feel like it's getting better because I have no other choice right now, because I'm not getting any satisfaction right now. But yeah. Yeah.

So this is exactly it, Brianna, if you don't know it. Yeah, it's. It is about your journey, too. Figuring out what feels good to you and your body. And you're absolutely right. Going on that journey. And I like what Adam said about do you want to come with me and help me figure it out? I haven't had an orgasm in this way. Or I'd like to figure. And then I think when you enroll the guy, you're like, look at this. Let me show you what we could learn on my body. Let's do this together. That maybe he'd be more down than saying like, you don't know this. And you're, you know, you know, you need to ask for directions here. You know, I don't think that men like to be told that necessarily.

I don't even want to ask directions driving. You think I'm gonna ask directions for this at 25?

Exactly. Definitely. So that you so much. Yeah, that's how I hope this.

Well, Brianna, I'm here every night. I've got a lot of podcasts about this. A lot of couples listen to my podcast together, and they get inspired. Turn it off. Go. What do you say? Emily said here. Should we try to have the conversation this way or try this position? But I think this is a good first step. Try to have the conversation, see if he's down and then call me back. Let me know. I'm here for you every night.

Thank you so much.

Of course. You're welcome, Brianna. Thanks for calling.

They can't be happy.

So fun Sex with Emily will continue after this quick word from our sponsors. Listen. This debuted number one on iTunes. His comedy album. It's scary in here, and it's really good. So I have to say, I'm sort of like, how do I not listen to. I don't know about comedy albums? I haven't listened to it in years, and I listened to it as, like, prep, and then I was totally into it and laughing, and it's like little small bites of Adam. Very articulate. You can get them for free on all the platforms.

That's right. It's free and it's worth it. And a lot of it was about my anxiety and about the way I'm dealing with life and.

Yeah, well, that's the thing, is that it is about your anxiety, and it's pre quarantine. So I'm glad we're checking in now. How is your anxiety, Adam? Farah?

Oh, my God.

Tell me, because I can relate.

Okay. Thank God you're here helping people, and people have this outlet. My issue is I beat myself up. I turn my frustration in on myself, and you should do better. And there's that loop in my head. That's why meditation. I'm too wound up for meditation. I don't think your mantra should be, look what you did, look what you did, look what you did. So I'll tell you what. Tell me everything that I found that really, really helped me was the phrase worry is not responsibility. That. That got crossed up in my head because my dad was my hero. He was the one that took care of the family. And you wanted to emulate the man of the family. That's just the way I grew up. And my father was worried about feeding everybody who left these goddamn lights on. I mean, it was the whole. It was everything. You never let anyone outside this house know. We talk about in here, I'm like, pop. The windows are open and you're screaming, they can hear you.

Right?

So it was always worrying about feeding everybody and taking care of everything and make sure everybody was protected. It was the projection of my parents fears on their children was part of it. But the rest was just that, you know, it can be a cruel world and you gotta look out for yourself. So I got the message that worry was responsibility because I was emulating the behavior from my dad. So when I learned worry's not responsibility, it freed up the fact that I don't have to be this anxious.

You don't have to worry.

I don't have to worry that much. To be a good man of the house, you know, the man of the house has to be aggravated, worry and take care of him. No, he doesn't. That's just the wiring in my head. So that helped me a great deal. Worry is not responsibility.

Wow.

What are you worried about?

That's a really good one. I have a different thing. Well, I. Okay. So much like you, Adam, I have the negative self talk as well. But it's like mine says. It's so funny you're saying this because I went through this this morning. I'll take my therapy notes that are right in front of me because you're never done. It's about. I worry about everything. I worry that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough. So the opposite of that is like, I am enough. That would be like the affirmation when you try to flip it. But I do this EMDR therapy about that. So it's like, I'm not doing enough. I'm not good enough. I won't be able to do this. And it's constant in my head that I am constantly. I fuck something up. A big one is I'm not gonna follow through. And you know, here's something I can Say to my whole team here. Cause this is a big thing about work. I worry that I'm. Cause I'm ADD like you are. And I have been challenged for a long. Getting stuff done and follow through in details. Like, I love, like you said before, like, I'm good at my job. I love helping people. But can I remember to put the keys back in the bowl? Can I. Do I have systems and organization? No. And then I feel I don't always follow through with things, and my team knows that. That's why I have an awesome team. But then I often feel like, oh, they just think I'm not doing enough. So then this is what I came up with today. Do you mind if I process my therapy with you?

Adam, please do. Let it out, baby.

What I came up with was, oh, that it's okay. That just because these things happen to me, that I'm. Oh, God. This is. I didn't mean to go here today, but I'm not a bad. Like, it doesn't make. It's not a bad thing. It's not like a. People know me. They expect me. I'm a good person. I have good intents. And they probably know Emily. Like, that's why my assistant gets a copy of everything. I'm not gonna see it or read it. And it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Like, I'm not a bad person because I have these skill set. ADD doesn't mean you're lazy or stupid or not successful or not. All these things that. In fact, that's what makes me unique. Perhaps.

Sure. Let me ask you this. When you get something done, do you feel better about yourself?

No. Okay. The other thing is. No, I don't opt for a moment and then I think of what else? The 10 things I didn't do.

Yeah. Okay. So it's like a comic focusing on the one person not laughing.

I do that, too. Thank God I can't see everyone's face on zoom right now. Thank God that I can't see them, because if they're not right, I would be worried.

So they're plotting against us. You don't trust me. I'm looking at them.

They're going, what? What? What? But that's what I think about. But, Adam, I love that you turn into humor and all the things that you do. And I know it's not easy being a comedian and artist, but I think it's. I think you have.

Here's the thing I just wanted to ask you, because I have this about thinking there's salvation in achievement. Thinking about my identity lies externally from me. If I. It's if, then, if I do that, then I'll be happy. If this happens, then this will be, you know, bullshit.

Okay, so it is bullshit. That whole. Once I get the house, the wife, kids, the family, then I'll be happy. That is true. So we know that intellectually. And you're right, I have that same thing. And then. So appreciating your successes in the small moments are what'? So it's like the moment by moment. You have to just be like, it is enough. I am enough. It's okay right now. It's not about achievement. So does that mean that you've let go of achievement at all?

Oh, I can say this shit, but doing it fucking hurts. No, I know intellectually, I know my anxiety comes from future thought of something that hasn't occurred yet. And my regret comes from depression and things I should have done. There was a bit on the album called anxiety and depression. The polarity of that, where I'm running back and forth between those two energies, that's where that is. To be present in that is to not worry about the future or regret the past. I'm right here, right now. I'm here with Emily Boxes and we're having a good time.

Exactly. Do you know this is exactly. I've got my yoga pants on still. Listen, the thing is, is that we. When you are present, the stuff that you're worrying about in the future and the stuff in the past cannot exist in present. So do you think that's why you like doing standup? Right. And when you probably feel great when.

You'Re doing a podcast, that's the only time I am fully present and you're a vessel is when it's coming through you. When I'm a live audience, no net, I'm improvin', and it's just coming through me. I'm not there. It's just whatever needs to come through me will come through me. And you're a vessel to somebody else. And I have. Most comics can have that Spidey sense where they can read a room. You know, you can feel an energy in the room. You get it when you're talking to a guest, you're like, this is going nowhere. You know, you can see.

Exactly. These are the best. Yeah, he gotta go. Sorry. Adam, thanks for being here.

No, but this bastard. I'm dying out here.

It's two hours a night, though, that I feel fully present with everybody. And I love. I love helping People. So that's. That's exactly what it is, Adam. Okay, so it is true. So then the mic goes off and you're done with your show, and then you're with your family or something happens and then you feel. How's it going at home?

Home is great. Because my wife understands my wife. Is best move ever made in my world, in this Thai world, is marrying this woman. This is. She's. I rang the bell, and anyone listening, you're gonna google her and you're gonna think to yourself, this guy's batting over his head. You're absolutely right. So she understands me, and she becomes the barometer of myself. I need to self correct. If she's not happy because I've done something, my job is to make her life better. Because I live in better. I live better in service of life, in service of the queen, you know, you. Okay, how do I make this life better? This is my job. So if I scream and yell, which is old behavior that she's not used to, I'm like, that. That doesn't. This no longer serves me. I gotta fix this. I gotta put that down. So that makes me happy. Knowing that making her happy makes me happy. And again, it's external fulfillment. But if I'm gonna go down, I'll go down with a sword in my hand, fighting for the queen, you know, so that's funny, Adam.

That's good. So you feel like you. So she. So when you go back into the screaming and yelling like that stuff with therapy, you kind of don't do that as much anymore. I try not to.

It's more coming from response because I grew up reacting. Italians are emotional people, and then they're loud, emotional people. And it's not really happy. Nobody lives at the end of the opera, Emily. You know, everyone's dying. So this is the culture we grew up in. So in learning the difference between reacting and responding and where those two impulses belong, reacting belongs on stage. Cause that's when you're not thinking. You're totally present, and you're reacting to the moment. Acting is reacting. So when I'm working, that's when I turn that switch on, open that door, and I can be. Just be there when I'm home. I got to respond from choice. And the choice is to be a better person in a relationship with somebody else, not just by myself. You know, it's not. It's not about me when I come home. It's about this family that I got to take care of. And I've taken on that energy, as you know, being the man of the house. And it's not to discount you ladies. You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourselves. I think you're underpaid, and I think any decisions regarding your body should be made by you. But let's be clear. This isn't about you right now. It's about me. So someone better help me right now.

Everything is touching, dope.

Tell me what my control issues.

Ooh.

I really got to address my control issues because there's no fucking control.

There is no control.

Yeah, right now you're just like, oh, okay, I guess this is gonna happen whether I want it to or not. How am I gonna deal with it? And let's deal with this right now. So what helped me was the blame. Look, I can blame myself for a lot of shit. I'm codependent and Catholic, so I'm double fucked. But there's no way I'm responsible for this, so I can let myself off the hook for this.

Yeah, you're right. You're so right. So you've been married for how long?

God, let me see. We lived together for so long. So I say we've been together since like 2006, maybe 2000. Okay. You're three sitting around in there.

It's a long time.

Yeah. So we've been together long enough to know that we're the ones. Whatever comes up, we're gonna fight to get through it. So that's why I. I'm very lucky in that sense that. That this is something not only I want to fight for, but I want to keep making better.

Well, Adam, did you guys ever go to therapy together or.

We did once and we all decided it's my fault, so.

Exactly.

Now we did. Look, look, she. Here's the thing that. That works for us. Emily's. I know her crazy. She knows my crazy a lot better, but I know her crazy and I know our. The way our. We function as a unit. Like, I know if I gotta go to the airport, I gotta tell her it's a half hour before. And then I know she might make it on time, and if not, she's gonna have to pee before we leave. So I'll be right there is at least 15 minutes. So you just gotta learn how to communicate with you. I'll be right there. That's 15 minutes. Don't yell for another 15 minutes. Don't ask for 15 minutes and she's gonna pee. That's the reason that there's a little. A little settee right by the front door, because that's where I sit with the dog, looking at it, going, it's 15 minutes. Don't be impatient. So she's got to know that, you know. So I know that about her. And she knows that when I can't do. I can only do one thing at a time because of my add, so I'm flying all over the place. So she knows if I'm on the phone talking to somebody, she can't ask me a question. She can't get my attention because I can't do it. I'll fizzle out, and I'll short circle.

Exactly. So can we talk about that? Having a partner, having ADD and then having someone. A partner who can sort of handle it. I'm the same way. I can't be distracted if phone calls come in. The other day in the office, like, Colin was playing good, great music, chill music that I like. And I was like, I can't read and have music because it takes me out of the. It's not easy. I mean, having a partner who supports you and got you like that just knows you're crazy.

Just knows that she's gonna need this. This will make her feel better. I know this will be there for her to get. She's got to get the engine running in the morning. So I get up in the morning. I come up first, I make the coffee. I give her about an hour, then I go back upstairs. And now she's got her little yeti travel mug she likes. So I put her coffee in the travel mug so it stays warm. I put it by the bed, and I go do what I got to do. So when she wakes up, she's got a cup of coffee, she'll come down, say, good morning. She's already had a cup of coffee in her, and her day's better. So her day's better, my day's better.

Yeah. Adam, that's. That's great. So you just had those communication skills built in, but you had to learn. I just like a lot of couples.

No. So I had to learn all that.

You do have to learn it, even without therapy. But you guys are willing to work on it. I just feel like we hear so many, you know, couples calling who've been together 20 years, and they. They still are having a lot of the same arguments they had early on. You just don't learn how to resolve.

I had to ask myself the question. I'm like this. I was in a relationship a couple races before that were at the same point, you know, when I was Younger. That didn't work out. But what really helped me with my wife was it was the difference between have to and want to. You know, it was like all the other relationships I had before my wife was like, I gotta do this. I gotta do this. I gotta. I don't want to go and do this. This is like, no, I want to do this. I want to get rid of this, because this is worth fighting for. This is what I want. I want to make this better. So when you're coming from want to, you got a lot more energy about you. And when I realized it's not working, you know, my attitude isn't working.

Is there anything that keeps coming up again and again? You're like, oh, this fight? Or now, it just. It just kind of doesn't have the same.

Yeah, I have no patience. I have no Emily. I go from zero to homicide in three seconds. I have no patience. When I say, can you do this? Is it done yet? That's the next sentence, and it's not. I have unrealistic expectations of how things are supposed to work. So that's what I got. I have to learn patience. It's like I was on a car show for years. I like to drive fast and do stupid shit in cars.

So that's the ADD thing too.

Yeah. Anytime you put an input into the car, let's say you want to slide a corner, you're going to pull the E brake, you're going to load up the first, you load up the suspension, which means you shift the weight of the car to one side of the car. You pull the emergency brake, and the back end comes out. But you have to allow the car time to respond to the input you put into it. It's a dance. You become one with the car. It's two tons. You're throwing two tons around. So you know, that's big car, you know, a big Cadillac, you're throwing two tons around. So that's part of the way I've learned to have realistic expectations of feedback. Because you have add. Like us, we want immediate. Oh, there it is. Oh, I got that hit. I got that hit of feedback right there. Now I can turn my attention to this way. If I don't get the feedback here, I'm turning my attention to get that feedback met. And that's part of ADD is you're looking for feedback.

You're looking for. So you just gotta ride it out. It's what we're saying.

Yeah, you're looking for, like, the thing, the separation of the impulse and the feeling to your choice of acting on it is what I'm learning.

It's that moment that sweet before you react. It's that moment in between that you have to. What's happening before? How do you stop yourself from reacting and searching and going to the next thing?

Yeah.

Oh, Adam, so helpful. We've got to take a quick break, but when we come back, Adam shares how he deals with his negative thoughts. Is your brain constantly reminding you of all the mistakes you've made? Adam and I will tell you what to do about it after this quick word from our sponsor. Sponsors. So a lot of what we talk about in the show is how we handle our emotions. How do we learn to communicate with partners? And especially we're talking about. We both have add. And I'm always suggesting people need therapy and meditation, but you're saying that you're in a good practice of medic meditation, not medication.

That's why I started with medication. Yeah. Add. And first of all, they give you speed. Yeah. It's so based. Amphetamine. And it's expensive.

The.

The Adderall. It was like 120 bucks for a prescription. And I asked the doctor, I go, what is this? He goes, it's amphetamine. I go, I can go to Port Authority, get a bag of whites for $30.

So then you would take it? Yeah. No, right. Not as effective. But training our mind, which is where a lot of the destruction comes from, is the things we think. So you wake up and you what. What kind of practice is it you said you do?

I got off the pills. Right. So I got off the pill. I got off the antidepressants and everything because it just, it wasn't. It wasn't working. I wasn't feeling right. It wasn't feeling well. I was too jangly. So I started a practice of just meditation to understand how to. Because I figured I knew it was the mind because the thoughts just kept racing. So one book I read. So it's a way of disciplining yourself not to react to the thoughts you are not your thoughts. That's the first thing I had to learn. So then just as you separate and you get like a 30,000 foot view on your bullshit, you can sit in a place right now, I can sit in a place where I can recognize the impulse of the thought and the thought triggers the emotion or the feeling, and I can choose to act on it or not. So you're coming from a place, from choice. I don't do it well all the time. I don't catch them all. But I'm more aware than I was before. So when you. When you sit in a place where you could observe your thoughts, it puts you in a neutral setting, but you don't get there right away. Because the first time I was observing my thoughts was like this. I see you, you motherfucker. You're the one that's making me yell, scream and yell. But you identify with your thoughts, means you act them out, you engage with them. If you can just see them and not judge them as, I'm bad for having this feeling I'm worthless because I haven't done this. Why am I. It's not right to feel that. It's all judgment. Shit.

It's all judgment.

And that judgment, yeah, all that judgment triggers a story. Look, pain in life is mandatory. The suffering is optional. The suffering is. The shit comes from the stories we tell ourselves. Because you don't get something done and you can't find your keys. Emily's bad. And now you caught Matt Loop.

Exactly.

And then everyone. And then Colin's sitting there going, ovi, pull her out of the hole. We got a show to do. That's what they do.

They call it the rabbit hole. My sister's like, don't go down that rabbit hole. Pick a happy rabbit hole.

Megan, go get her.

We're all.

30 second break, you know? So you still got a show to do.

I can't find my keys. But, Adam, I want to get specific here. Your practice. Is it just a breath meditation? Is it a word it started with?

Right. Right now it's. Right now. It's a breath meditation now. Because to eliminate the words, it started with a mantra. It started with this, but eliminate the words. And just to go into the space and to. Best way I can explain is cultivate a felt sense. All right, So I can feel. Cultivating a felt sense. It's your gut. It's your gut. When you feel, you know when something's right and when something's wrong. So if you cultivate that felt sense, that's a higher. It's pointing you to that kind of feedback with the world we live in. Rather than sight, sound, smell, all that other stuff, we're just. We think that those five senses are identity and the thoughts that are connected to it and what we believe in. If you separate yourself from a belief system or any kind of system and just kind of sit and observe shit, then you can. You can just be, you know, being comes from. There's no wanting, there's no fear, and there's no, there's no fear and there's no desire. Fear and desire, the one that causes the stories in my head, it makes you suffer. I have to get that. If I don't get that, I'm a piece of shit. How did I miss that? It's my fault, you know? And then if you look backwards, how could I let that happen? So you're never really present. You're never really being. So I started with a breath meditation. I started with a mantra, and now I'm at a point where I still use the breath just to start the machine and just to sit there. And the best thing that I ever found for 20 minutes is a great book called Natural Meditation by Dean Slider. That's the book that really clarified everything.

Okay.

I had my podcast as well. But if you're gonna start it, all you gotta do is say, I'm gonna sit in this chair. All I'm responsible for is to put my ass on this seat for five minutes, three minutes, that's it. That's all you're responsible?

Start with that. Even if you do it for a minute. Yeah, no, it's true. And I've been meditating. It's funny, it's like, it's like working out. But I, you know, when you're in a roll with it, you're great. And I've been probably first meditated 25. I think it's 25 years ago. And then I go in and out. But mostly I do it every morning. But I, yeah, it when I don't do it, I notice that it's, you know, I'm off. But I think you're so right, what you're saying about your gut. Trusting our gut, we have all the answers. So by meditating you're just more aware you don't have the same reaction. So does it helps your anxiety though too? You're saying, are you less anxious?

It helps my anxiety because I'm less anxious because I don't feel like I need to control the outcome of the future. And if something happens, it wasn't my fault. And if something happens, I'm cultivating my trust in my ability to overcome. So I'm moving myself out of a fear based identity and reality. Like, oh my God, what if. Fuck, what if, you know, what if. What if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle. It doesn't matter. You're putting yourself in a position where you're gonna just drive yourself crazy, you know? So it's having. My wife says, I'm cultivating trust And Italians don't really trust too well. You know, we're born going, yeah, I'm not. It's like the DNA thing. She wanted me. She wanted me to 23andMe. I said, I'm not giving up evidence without a court order. I'm not trust anybody. So that's what it is. It's coming up with that felt sense that, okay, this isn't my fault, and I'll be able to overcome what's thrown my way.

That is it. That is it. It is really the best tool. Especially right now, when a lot of us are feeling even more anxious. Some people, Adam, believe it or not, are having anxiety for the first time.

Oh, welcome.

That's what I feel like. I'm like, welcome to the party. How's that going for you? And it's like someone who's been, you know, had it. Had it in my entire life, which they never used to call it anxiety. What did they call it? 20. I just. Or add, calm the fuck down.

I remember I was talking to my shrink. It happened to me in the fifth grade. And I remember that summer. That summer when anxiety hit. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I didn't feel right. I was in the fifth fucking grade, Emily. And it hasn't gone away.

Exactly. What'd you feel in the fifth grade that made you anxious?

Fifth grade. I did something. I got into a fight on the school bus on the fifth grade. Like one of the last days of school. And this guy wasn't much of a fight, but I did the best I could. This kid just kicked my ass. And everyone was laughing at me. And I was humiliated. And it was one of the last days of school where I felt, you know, humiliated. And that humiliated feeling sat with me that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school. Cause I'm like, I'm gonna go right back on that bus and have to go back into that fight again. And everyone's gonna humiliate me. Everyone's gonna point and everyone's gonna laugh. And that's when I realized, this isn't. Why is this happening to me? So even at that moment, I realized that I could observe that thought because it was aberrant. It was alien to me. I never felt it before, even though I was a kid. But I had a kid's mind where I'm like, this isn't right. This isn't. So I had that separation ability that I didn't know I had. And meditation and therapy helped me cultivate. I'm still a mess, but at least I know why.

Well, that's the thing. At least you understand it. That's what it does, you guys. And everyone just thinks that therapy isn't worth it. You don't need therapy. I'm always pushing it here. I'm always trying to explain to people that it's. I don't know, maybe people still think, well, Megan said I'm crazy or they're going to send me away. Yeah, there's a stigma. Or we think you're insane. It just gives you life tools.

Yeah. They're not gonna send your way. You're not crazy. Everyone's fucked up. You just don't know it.

We are all fucked up. People who think they're not fucked up are the most fucked up.

Those are the people that pick up an axe and wipe out the whole family one day. Stay away from them.

It's so true. And it helps your work, it helps your comedy. Do you feel like. How do you feel, Adam? Your comedy's been during. Like, are you. Are you flourishing? Are you feeling like, ugh, I'm doing more.

I'm doing more, and I'm trying to do more out of wanting to produce rather than, holy shit, I'm scared and I gotta do something. So I'm trying to come from a place of. I had this opportunity as an opportunity to create. I've never been more fucking busy in my life. You know, I'm really busy doing shit. But I'm not going out on the road, I'm not leaving the house. So the feeling I have to remind myself is, you are working, you are producing, you are productive, but you're not. I'm used to getting on a plane every Thursday, flying in the radio Friday morning and do the morning news on Friday. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, get on a plane to fly home. That's my work schedule. So that's how I know I'm doing something. I'm actively moving. So I had to remind myself that even though I'm not leaving the house, I am working. I am producing. I am. And again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That's your self worth. That's your value.

Adam, this is good. I feel like I'm getting a second therapy. See, we all need it, right? Even though I go this morning. Adam, this is great. I gotta ask you, Adam Ferreira, the five questions we ask all of our guests. Yes, our five quickie questions.

Go ahead. Biggest turn on the way my wife's hair smells. The biggest turnoff, the way my feet smell.

What makes good sex?

Communication. I like. I like it when. When. When there's a lot going on.

Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. This is. There's two people in this relationship. It ain't you. It ain't just you.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

It ain't dirty. It's only dirty if it's done correctly.

I love it. Adam. Adam. That's real. Okay, so tell me. People can find you. They can come on your. I want to wish I could go to St. Louis if it wasn't so cold and there wasn't a New Year's Eve. I would be fun to see you. You would be a good time on New Year's Eve.

I do like collective events, so. Yeah, it's at the helium in St. Louis for new Year's Eve. My podcast is wherever you get your podcast, the Adam Farrar Podcast. And my album's called It's Scary in Here. And I want to thank Emily for having me on to help me plug my shit and have some more.

I love it. I love it. And I have to come back on your podcast.

Please do.

I would love it. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.