What to Know About Your ‘O’

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness and now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or their famous whisper collection. You know the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm talking all about women's orgasms. How to recognize them, how to stop faking them, because I know you do. And of course, how to have them. Topics include everything you ever needed to know about a woman's orgasm but were too afraid to ask. Or I don't know, maybe you thought you knew and you didn't know. We're going to clean up all those myths. Ways to give a top notch hand job because they never go out of style and it's my job to bring them back. What to do when you can only get off with a partner and not by yourself? That happens. And how much do women actually care about men's physical appearance? We're going to get into it all this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God. That feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, you can go to sex with emily.com we are updating the website currently and it's going to be awesome. I'm so excited. You can also, you guys, you know, you can find podcasts literally Everywhere now. Spotify, iHeartRadio, Google Play. We love when you subscribe on itunes. You guys, that really helps us. We can continue to bring you three shows a week, which has been so fun. And comment. We like that too. Also, check me out on SirusXM Radio Stars channel 109. Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm you get a free trial for SirusXM at sex with emily.comsxm and I'm sure you're already following us on social media because why wouldn't you? Because we're fun at Sex with Emily across the board and we're doing a lot of fun giveaways for Valentine's Day. But even after that, we got a whole new. I'm here with Jamie. Hello. My producer. We've got a. This is like the year of giveaways.

It's good.

I feel like we didn't. We've had some stuff to give away and now we've got a plan for it. Because I want to give pleasure to the people as much as I can. Yeah.

And it's, it's, it's the year for it. So we're gonna go full throttle.

It is the year for it. Okay, guys. So also speaking of which, Forea Awaken giveaway. We're gonna give away four bottles of Foreya Awaken from now until Valentine's Day. You can email feedback at sex with emily.com subject for ya giveaway. So here's the deal about for you. So Jamie, I just got in here. We didn't have a chance to talk, but I actually used it this weekend. I had a whole weekend of getting my sex products, toys, lubes organized and surrounding my bed and charged, plugged in, ready for action. Four is amazing. Like I know that it is the awaken, you guys. You gotta just try the CBD pre lube. And I had used it, but it'd been a while since I regularly, like, had it there. And I remember, like, I love it. And I was like, oh, I have to explain to you guys that, like, it's like you put it on like 20 minutes before sex or before for me, masturbation, some self love time. And it just like. Because then you're like, okay, well, I'm not gonna masturbate. It sets the tone. So then I'm sitting there and I'm like thinking about sex. I'm getting my toy and I'm getting into the mood and then it like it does. It feels tingly and relaxing. Okay, guys, so we're doing a contest. Include your name. I just wanted to tell them that I'm excited about it.

Oh, no, you should. I mean, that sounds great.

So include your. Jamie loves it too. Include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And then this is the other thing. I know we have to get into the show. Woo. More play. Giveaway. And I don't know if I've talked to you guys about this lately, have I Jame. Woo More play. Oh my God, you guys, it is amazing. I'm so glad that we finally got them here in the office because you guys know the Skinny Confidential, Michael Lauren have a great podcast. They've been on the show a few times and I just. They are the coolest couple and they're entrepreneurs and they talk about. She's like all. She's like head in with all the beauty products and knows everything and the way she talks about, she's authentic, she's cool. And her husband Michael, and they like work together or they're building an empire. So anyway, anyway, long story short, last year they're like, we're making this coconut love oil. It's called Will More Play. And she sent me a bottle. And it is also massage oil. And so when you use it, first of all, I got all these natural ingredients, but when you use it, it's like it moisturizes into your skin and you don't have to reapply. And it like makes your whole body, like feel good and taste good and it's brilliant and I just want you guys to know about it. So it's called Blue. More fun. But we're giving it away. You can follow me on Instagram exwithemily. Then you take a screenshot of you listening to the show. Wherever you listen, upload you upload it to your story, tag it at Sex with Emily, write one sentence. And while you love the podcast, that's It. And then we're gonna put in our story. Choose a couple people to win.

Woo.

More play. That's what I got for you. Cause I used it on myself, James. Like, it was my whole weekend of pleasure. I can't shower with it on my body. And then my skin was all smooth from this, like, I'm next level.

That sounds so smart. After, like a steam shower, you can really feel it.

Yes. No, I put it on before. Yeah. And then, like, because it has like, these things and it smells so good. It's like, really? It's because coconut oil is like this genius. Yeah, you can. Yeah, it's this genius ingredient that we're all like, I have this article, like, 100 uses for coconut oil. It's like, true. And now, Lou. Okay. We need to talk to you about orgasms.

We do. It is the year of women's pleasure.

It is the year of women's pleasure. And in a lot of ways that I'm going to get into. Not on this show, but, like, let's start with orgasms. All right, guys. So a lot of times we get these stories. I'm like, I'm glad we have stories for this. Like a study for this. But we've got a lot to talk about here. It brings up a lot of things. First, it starts with what proportion of women fake orgasms? Now, without even looking This. I can tell you that pretty much every woman has that. I know. I don't know any who haven't, like, at least once. Have you never?

No, I have.

Okay. Okay, Good. I was like, wait, you looked at me. I'm like, maybe.

No, because I was trying to think. I was like, do I know someone? I was like, I don't think I do.

Like, right? And maybe like, now they don't they with their partner for 20 years. But, like, maybe they did. So it's all. We've all done it. 67% admit it. College students. And here's why you fake it. We do it because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We're like, I know I'm not gonna come. I know you're making effort. I want you to get off. We're pleasers. We're like, we know that it doesn't happen during penetration.

Takes a while. It takes to get a good groove with a partner. So we're just like, I don't even want to get into it. I want to fake it. We also, we don't want to feel them, to feel bad when they don't. We don't want Them to feel bad. We don't want to shame them and be like, oh, yeah, you came too quickly or something wrong with you. So we just don't say anything. And we just want to be over with because we know we're not gonna come. Or maybe it hurt or maybe we already came so we fake it because then we know like, they'll come.

Yeah, so usually it's like, I mean, if it is, it's just kind of like, oh my God, like it would take too long to even explain why I'm not going to. So I'm just gonna like pretend it happened, right?

Like whenever, like, hey, babe, listen, if you had gone down to me for 20 minutes like I've asked you to, or we had my vibrator or I didn't have a headache or whatever it is, but we don't. Yeah, it's not the time. And then after is not the time.

We don't do it.

And then for non sexual gains.

So we want the guy. And I know we're talking about heterosexual, you know, deal with it, you guys, we get it. It happens all over. But to cement the relationship, like we were like, I want him to know that he's giving pleasure so I can, like, he'll want me, he'll marry me. He'll put a ring on it. He'll think I'm the one.

That's an interesting one, right?

Like put a ring on it. My fake o.

They're all circles. I don't understand that. But I do understand it's age, really. Here's the other good thing, you guys. It's age related. And this is what another. This is the great news here. So I'm gonna get the bad news out of the way. Women are faking it and you don't know it because we always, every time I bring, they're like, well, she's never fake with me. Never. I'm telling you, every guy I've dated, I faked with you there. I just said it every single. Except for the last probably.

10 years, since I like maybe 12. But I faked it before 35, pretty much. Not every time, but. So I'm just telling you. And you don't know it because you don't understand how to recognize it.

Exactly.

And women don't like. That's why. So we're going to explain that. Let me tell you this, you guys, this is the good news. As age increases, women are more likely to ask for the clitoral strokes they need. They know how to touch themselves. They know what they need from their partner, and they're like, I'm not gonna hang out here and fake it. Why would I do that? I want pleasure. You want pleasure, and here's what to do. And here's the moves that I need.

Yeah. Like, women, as we get older, just get less. Like, less likely to be insecure about it or confident. I think it's also more. It's like, we're like. Women probably at that point are like, no. Like, there's no more wasting time.

Right. Like, let's figure. Exactly. And so my mission is that women and men listening to this. You guys don't have to be a statistic. You could change the numbers. You can learn this in your 20s. Like, Jamie has learned this at 25 because she's worked me for three years. Like, when she walked in the door.

At 22, I still was probably faking.

Orgasms, the music, the whole thing. So. So anyway, that's the deal. So, you guys, we're all normal health. So here's how you can tell, if you really want to know. But this can also. Because we can fake this. So it's. It's. How does our breath quicken? Is her breathing, like. Is she, like. You know, does she have gasp or moans? Several seconds of rapid. Here's the key thing. Here's the scientific part. She has rapid, involuntary contractions of the muscles around the vulva and anus. So they're jerky motions. Hips, whole body. But you can fake that as well. The very delicate part of the involuntary contractions around the vulva. Like, you have to both be. Or he has to be, like, super in tune with. Yeah, they're not like, these gra. They're not. Unless your Kegels get steel, which help, but not gonna sense it.

Yeah, you would have to literally almost stop, probably moving so that you could feel those contractions.

Right.

Like, if you're doing penetrative sex, if you're, like, going down on her, you'd probably be able to feel it.

Right. So it's no. What? You can feel it more when you go down on her or your fingers or your mouth for sure. Which is also a great reason to become attuned to the oral. But the other signs, breath quickening, moaning and jerky hips. Very easy to fake. Involuntary contractions, not so much. But we can do these with such a vengeance, such gusto, that they can't tell. If you also think that you're seeing it in porn, you're wrong. So here's the thing, you guys. I don't Know, I feel like this is a known thing, but women moan, groan, thrash. They're climaxing. I have interviewed and talked to and have many friends who work in porn. Porn actors, they fake it. Not at home now, maybe some do at home. Typically not, but they are doing a job. It's acting. It's like. It's like seeing Reese Witherspoon in a movie. She's crying. Like she's not really sad that her husband died. Like they're at the same fucking script. You're gonna orgasm and thrash around the room right now. It's acting. I don't know. I thought Reese Witherspoon.

No, I love that. A notch.

You get it, guys. So. So here. That's the problem, too. So it's not. When you're watching porn, it's not actually what helps women climax at all. Like, there's no cuddling. There's no foreplay. There's no condoms. There's no getting the lube. There's no, like, hand holding. There's nothing. So it's not real. And so the problem is, is that women are watching that too. We don't have to get a whole porn, but women are watching that as well and thinking that's how they should act. So they also, when they're faking it, they're faking it in this way that they see important.

So it looks like this. This loop of, like, women orgasm. Like, fake orgasming in porn. And then other women watching that and being like, okay, if I'm gonna fake, I'm gonna do it like that. So men are just thinking like, yeah, that's an orgasm. That's what it looks like.

Exactly.

When really it's like, no, not at all.

And every woman's different. And I've said this, but if you put a hundred women in a room and they were all masturbating, each woman would be doing something different. So each woman's orgasm is different. Yes. There's moan. Some loud, some not. Like, there's a whole bunch of different things, but it's all different. So you gotta figure it out for your partner. Which, again, is why, like, I think mutual masturbation is cool. Cause then you're like, oh, that's how she orgasms. And he touches himself. It's for everyone. And then, you know, then you don't have to mess around with all the faking and stuff, so. And the not knowing. And then you feel safe.

Mm.

Right away. You don't just jump. Yeah, you could jump into mutual. I jump into mutual masturbation. There's no time limit here. How could you boost the likelihood of her orgasm during intercourse? So if only 25% of women. I say 20. They say 25. Are consistently orgasmic during intercourse.

Right. So. So how do we make it more likely to happen? Like, how can we help? Cause it's possible. You have to learn it, and you have to understand this. And the reason why she's not orgasm is not because if you're listening to this, not just because men are inadequate or men are selfish lovers or men don't wanna please their partners or women for that matter, it's because we just don't understand this. So I'm just telling you, let's understand that the clitoris during penetrative sex is not usually stimulated enough for her to be able to have an orgasm. Women can have internal orgasms, but it's a little bit different. And it just helps everybody to have their clitoris stimulated first before you can even have an internal one. It's not gonna happen.

Yeah, let's always invite the clitoris to the place.

Let's just always make sure. See, that's the main thing. Like, if you invite the clitoris to the party, like, early, like, right away, even before your penis gets there, you're like, I hope the clitoris is here today. Like, the clitoris is here, and she needs some love right now. I'm gonna say hello. I'm gonna get to know her. I'm gonna talk to those lips, too. Just like her lips. And it's part of the process is like, I'm gonna warm her up. I'm gonna kiss her. And when I say warm up, I. I think oral's great for a lot of women, but I'm cool if you slowly, like, caress her over underwear or, like, touch her with some. Make sure your hand, like, lube. Don't sp. Spit on your fingers. This is another, like, fingers. It's fine if you don't want to. She might not want that either. Right away, if you put some lube on your hands before you touch her and you start to warm her up and cross, like, that'll feel great too. So all that needs to happen. Hello, clitoris. Let's just always tell her, okay. But then there are some positions that can help. So woman on top. So he's lying on his back. His legs can be together. Woman's on her hips, sits on his erection.

Then she reaches down and touches her clitoris. So you still need to see the clitoris is everywhere. The clitoris is like the.

It's Kind of like the. What is it? It's like the. It's the starring role. It's the. It's. It's the leading role.

The leading role.

It's the leading actor. Yeah.

Like under credits. Yeah, they would get paid.

It's going to show up in most scenes.

Yeah.

So like the foreplay, like, during. You got to think about it during, like, intercourse, even though your penis is there, it's not the internal vagina. It's the clitoris that needs. In the vulva more so than the internal.

Yes, it is the star of the show.

Jesus. Okay, so. So she has to be. The clitoris has to somehow be involved during the penetrative sex. So either she's using her hand, you're putting. Using your fingers. She's using a great vibe. You guys are using a vibrator together. He can make a fist. I love this. So this is the other thing. A Men can apply pressure to the pubic mound while she's on top. Like just your fist. And that can feel good, too. Wait, right? Is that what I'm saying? Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Face of the junction of the pelvis or like a hand on her pubic mound and then she, like, she can play with it. So it's like leaning forward. So it's like a pressure motion. So a lot of women think they might be having an internal orgasm, but really they're rubbing back and forth. They're sliding back and forth on top of his erection when they're on top. And so that can help too. But then also the deep thrusting hits the G spot as well. So that's what it is. I think that people need to know that in depth.

They do. Well, because I think a lot of people are like, oh, yeah. On top. Because she can control her movements, which is true. But it's not just about depth. Like you said, it's about that sliding motion.

It's about the sliding, the back and forth, the movement and the speed more than the depth. Because then women bounce up and down and do the thing, which also can feel good sometimes, but a lot of it is more of a back and forth.

Yeah.

And a grinding rear entry, AKA doggy style. So you guys know there's a lot of variations on this one. Do we have a blog? Like a very doggy style variations? If we don't, that's a good one. Because I think she thinks it's just like she's a dog. Like hands and knees and he's going in and out. And then if you like. So that's the basic way that you think about it. But there's variations. Let me just tell you the basic ones. She's on her hands and elbows on the knees. She's on the bed. He's kneeling or standing behind her, reaches around and touches her clitoris. Or get it, guys? Or she reaches. She uses the vibrator. So rear entry is great for a lot of men. Love rear entry. It's like their favorite position because he can go super deep and have, like, deeper, deeper thrusts. Now, women can also have more pain in this position because it's so deep. So it hits their cervixes certain times a month. It can hurt more. This is when communication is great. If it hurts, you want to stop. And so women can adjust this by, like, moving down into their. Like, you know, having just an arch of their back up. And then they're, like, laying down in their hand. Like they're resting on their elbows, you know, their heads on the bed.

Yeah.

Or all the way flat with the women's legs squeezed together. So play with this one. But this is also just clitoris. Just part of the party.

Yeah, you still got. Someone's gotta be reaching around.

Reach around. And the spooning. Speaking of reaching around, the ultimate reach around. I love spooning. Cause it's like extension of cuddling, which is like my favorite position. And this is like the sex position to cuddling. So you're spooning, he reaches around, you reach around. You can massage your clitoris, or she can, using a hand or vibrator. And you don't need a lot of, like, you can be tired and just thrust.

Yeah. Especially if you have like a something by your bed, like a wall or like a headboard or something that you can grab onto. You can kind of use that as leverage to kind of push back while he thrusts forward.

Right, right, right, exactly.

And then that way, especially with. And it's just like a lazier position.

No, you're right. That's good. Push against the wall.

Yeah, because it just makes it like that way. It gives you that.

It's like hands on the headboard when you're on top.

Yeah, exactly.

Nice modifications. Okay, guys, we're going to take a quick break. We come back, even more orgasm talk.

Coital alignment technique. So this position has been around for a long time. People have talked about. Or the cat. So how you do this one is conventional, like man on top intercourse. Good old missionary. Usually, like your erection, it's horizontal. So this position came out in 1988. And there's another variation. This one too. But what I'm going to say is the guy shifts forward onto one side to his chest, covers one of her shoulders. So she's lying flat and he's like essentially pushing himself forward like, like on the bed. So she has to be scooted down so he has enough room to move up forward so he's like his arms out his. Once I've. Does that make sense? Right? So his chest covers one of her shoulders. With this change.

His erections move more of an up and down rather than a side to side. And like. And then so his pubic bone at the base of the penis has more contact with the clitoris. It's the same kind of like a grinding because he's up and down. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So he's grinding. And so it doesn't guarantee women are gonna have orgasms, but it significantly improves women's ability of orgasms because of that grinding motion again that she's doing when she's on top. So it's a flip. Yeah, he's doing it. And lube is great for this. And some early clitoral warm ups.

So basically it's like, it's kind of like missionary but with not so much space in between the bodies.

Exactly. Yep.

It's closer.

It's closer. You could even be like laying on top of her. Like, you could be like, like gently, like you got. You're still holding up your body weight, but you're like moving your head might be a little bit above her. It's very intimate too, and a little like slower and deliberate, but feels really good. Grinding.

Yeah.

Yeah. Good. Okay. Fascinating one. This brings me to my pilates class. You can add in a ball for extra, like extra exercises, you know, for your pelvic floor. But you can, you guys. So when the man's on top, intercourse, missionary or the cat position, if you use a small softball like a Nerf or a hacky sack, you place this between the woman's clitoris and the man's pelvis. And then his pelvis is. His pelvis is pressing on the ball. And that could increase the woman's ability to orgasms. Because again, you guys. So the pubic mound or the clitoris, like the whole opening area. For many women, including myself, if you apply pressure to that area, you could call it indirect pressure to the G spot. It can really. And also you're kind of pushing down on the clitoral nerve endings at the same time. And so in that movement of pressing down. So if you have a ball there, that's Stimulating all the pressure that. That's sort of stimulating those nerve endings even more. And, like, releasing into the. Into that area, it's more likely simulate all those nerve endings at once, and it can be really explosive for women. And a lot of women can also squirt in this when they have more attention to the pubic mound, which is why it works well with the magic wand and all that. So I think that's a really cool position, too, to play with that.

I know Those, like, little stress balls, too, probably.

Exactly. Yep. But you guys remember this is just, like. You want to go slow. This is such good intimacy, too, to try this out with your partner and, like, breathe together and play with it, because it's not gonna, like, put the ball in and get it right. It's like. Think of when you're like, I think about. It takes a while for me to make sure the ball is right under. Like, I hurt my back, so has to be in the exact position to. For my pelvic floor to be stable. Like, so just chill out with it. Try it. It might be awkward, but I think this is gonna release a lot of orgasm.

Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna try that. I haven't tried that before.

Yeah, it's gonna happen. I realized I was trying it without the ball.

Yeah. With the magic wand, when you were saying that's how you use it. Because I always think about, like, how are you. Are people really using the magic wand just because it's.

I don't think I've ever. Yeah, I was paying attention. I felt like Coyote this week. I have so many things for the Coyote show. Like, I get how she tests vibes now. So I was like, oh, yeah, this is how you do it. Okay, so here's another one called you guys, mock intercourse. Instead of inserting, he positions his. His erection, his throbbing member, to press against the sensitive groove between her vaginal lips. Okay, so we're talking about the vulva here. We're talking about the 8,000 nerve endings that are not just in the clitoris, but they're going down the. The clitoral legs, which are behind the vaginal lips. That area, for me personally, was also discovered later in life through masturbation. Toys, lube. And, like, not just focusing on the clitoris. There's a lot of nerve endings there. And so if he's hard and there's really good lubrication, this would be a great one for pur. Pure has so many goddamn lubes. I've been trying lately. Jamie. I'm Obsessed with them this weekend. So anyway, different great lubes. His shaft is pressing against her urethral sponge. His. Which is like internally, but it's on the outside. That's what I'm talking about, a urethral sponge. You guys know what that means. But it's the mound area which all things. And then his glands of his penis is crossing the clitoris. So it's like he's a. He's kind of like a dildo. Like, he's kind of like a. How do you explain it?

It's more, I guess, would say it's. It's not real intercourse, but it's like, you know, you're the penis. Yeah, he's just sliding up and down, which I'm sure feels really good on his shaft as well.

Well, that's the thing. He could come that way too. And so what's going to happen in this position and why this feels great for so many women? This is the whole humping thing that you used to do, but with your. It's like humping but with your clothes off. Is that the reason why that felt good? Is that like, it was stimulating the clitoris and then he'd have an orgasm too. Remember, like over your jeans in high school? If that happened. Did that ever happen to you?

No.

Right.

I mean, I don't know if it.

I think it might have. Yeah, I think it has. It did happen. But the reason why it happened. So what I'm saying is, is that we are such a penetrative oriented society that we think that's the goal. But as long as you wait long. Because I think what I would do a lot of times I used to be like, no, no, put it in. It's okay. When? Maybe five more minutes or ten more minutes of mock intercourse. Now that has a name. Would have felt great for me. I might have had orgasm that way. And then, you know, I'm saying he would have put it in.

Yeah. And it's like, it elevates that tease also too. That like. Okay, like, you're. I'm gonna not make you wait, but it's kind of like you're gonna wait a while before you actually do the actual intercourse part.

Yeah.

But you're gonna be so revved up the whole time. It's gonna just be awesome. Like, I know it's hard to wait, but when you do actually wait.

Right.

It's like, worth it.

You're gonna be fine. Like, you're gonna have an orgasm. You're gonna get inside her vagina. Like other things Feel good.

Exactly.

Yeah. It's all good. You guys. All right, so.

What do we got here? All right, guys. So assuming. So here's the thing, though. Even though we've told you all of this, the reason why women are. We don't. We often have challenges around orgasms still because we often don't get that. You know, we can usually climax, have an orgasm by our hand or a vibrator, but we have more problems with our partners. So orgasm is learned. The teacher is masturbation. So it's not the other way around. It's not like you learn orgasm through intercourse. Most people do not. You learn it through masturbation. So just again, if you don't believe in it or you're not, you can't be upset for not orgasming. If you haven't, like, masturbation by vibrator, I think that, like, more than half of people own one. They're going to give you more intense sensations than hands and tongues are going to provide. It's not an inferior orgasm. There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you were like, you're broken. Like, it's just that our clitorises are in different places in our bodies. Fingers just might not cut. It doesn't replace your partner. It's like you could walk to work, or you could drive to work. You could walk to work. You're going to get there, it's going to be nice scenery. I mean, to walk to work more often, or you drive to work and you're going to get there a little bit quicker. It's more efficient and you have the same results. You still arrive at work. Same thing with a vibrator. It's not going to ruin sex. It's stimulation. And it's how you can discover your, like. It's really how women can learn to figure out what makes them feel good and know that there's all these like, that their vulvas are sensitive and their clitorises are, you know, just all the areas.

Yeah. And if you're worried about, like, that you're taking too long to orgasm, this can help you out. And especially if that's just been like. If the timing of sex has always been an issue in there, it's just, why not add in something to help the process along? It doesn't mean anyone's inferior. But then instead of just getting upset because you're not orgasming, just get something that can help you do that.

Exactly. Like, no shame in the orgasm game. Like, I, you know, I was talking to A friend date. She's never had one because she's always been orgasmic. And she was like, yeah. And like, literally not just a friend, like my one, my closest friends. I was like, I think it's time. Like, she's been with her partner for a long time and. And she still realized that she had something around it. And I was like, I just, like, I never pushed her because she's my best friend. But I was like, okay, I'm just. You have to try it. Like, and then I just know because we know. No one's ever said why I'm not push or like, if you don't want one, fine. But with all the challenges we have on orgasm, had to say my part. I'm cool if you don't either.

Communication. Communicate with your partner what you've learned during masturbation. It's really important to let them know or explore together. If you have a trusting, loving partner, the two of you can go on this journey together, figure out what feels good, communicate it, and then sex therapy. You guys remember I love sex therapy. I love any kind of therapy. But if you are specifically know that, like, and I gotta tell you, sometimes we don't even realize that it's sex. But if, if you got issues around orgasm, fantasizing, shame, your body, confidence, all the things sex therapy, amazing for everyone. Men, women, couples. Okay, guys, I love answering your questions. And if you want a question answered, email us feedbackexwithemily.com include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, Jamie, you want to read it?

Mm. Okay. So this first one is from Chris, who's 34 in California. He writes. Hi, Emily. I've been listening to your show for about a year now and it's all been fun. I've been married for about five years and we've been having pretty great sex for most of that five years. My sex issue is simple. I haven't had a good hand job in some time. My wife is a great sexual partner, but I can't seem to keep hard during hand job. She often treats my dick like a joystick and can't get the right grip. I often try to guide her and show her how I like it, but she always goes back to death gripping me. In the end, I usually can't come from it. And this has understandably reduced her confidence in this area. Should we abandon the hand job entirely or is there a good way to teach her how I like it? Thanks for the help.

Oh, not the death grip hand job. Okay. Chris, I was so excited to answer this email because here's the deal. I. This is like something that's going to be so fun to fix, so easy to fix because you guys have all the ingredients. She's a great sexual partner. She just didn't learn this skill. So she's treating it like a joystick. Maybe she saw it. Who knows where she saw it, she probably never learned. So she's death gripping you. Here's the thing, we can help you. No problem. So let her know that you have this thing about hand jobs and you love it. And then you realize that during one day you were masturbating or you just thought about it like, ah, I realized that I haven't shown you how I like to be touched and I have a fantasies about it and this is that this is how it's going to feel. Amazing. And so it sounds to me like it's just the grip. And the great thing is like she just hasn't like, it's like she's been walking around with a tennis racket and no one showed her how to like serve right. So she's got her hands, she's got the intention, so she's gotta loosen her hand and make sure she's first of all, lube. You guys. Great to use a silicone lube for hand jobs or woo. More play is your hand job helper because it keeps your whole area super soft. Like my guy was like, oh my God. He was like never we ran, we just squeezed the bottle at the very end when they ran it made it all soft and smooth. So use it. It's going to be like. And you don't have to keep reapplying. So lots of lube about the grip. How you can show her this. You can just like. So I always have this thing I show people that, you know, when you like put your hand, you wrap it around your wrist and if your fingers are tightening or like turning purple, that's too tight. And then if they're too loose, it's. You can tell you just want like a soft like grip around your hands. That's what I always tell people, how to grip it. So what I think you have to do is show her, Chris, how you like your grip and then have her put her hand over it and she could feel it and then you can show like in a loving, playful way. Believe me, she doesn't want to be death grip queen. No. So play with her hands. Show her first how you like it. And then I love Dr. Sadie Allison's book Tickle his Pickle. It has the best tips for hand jobs. Like literally 100 tips. But I'm going to tell you the most important thing is that she wants to play with. If her hands are well lubricated, she can use both hands. She can have both hands sliding up and down together in unison. She can twist one to the left, one to the right, and go up and over. She can have one hand on your balls and then she could go up and down and up and down. Like, she could just, like, knead it. Like, she could just tickle the top with her tongue and then use her hand going up and like, there's different grips in different ways. So I think you just have to maybe have her hand on it with a lubed hand and then you show her some movements to get her started. Get creative with it.

Okay, so this is from Mo, who's 25 in Copenhagen. She writes. Hi, Emily. Thank you for the amazing podcast. My problem may sound strange. I can only orgasm with a partner. I masturbate often with a vibrator, but can never reach climax with a man. However, I come fast and easily. I think the problem is that when masturbating, I know exactly what's next as I'm in control. I'm a sub, so I need domination to orgasm. Is there anything I can do differently to come when masturbating? I'd love to be less dependent on a man.

Mo in Copenhagen. I really love this question because we don't get a lot of questions like this. Like, usually it's the other way around, right? And so I think this one is such an easy fix because this is a mind thing. This is when your mind is getting in your way of the orgasm. So that's all it is. Mo, we're just gonna focus, flip your mindset because you're already thinking, oh, my God, I gotta, you know, I gotta be dominated. And porn doesn't seem real. And like, when I'm with the guy, they're actually there. So it's just fantasize. Start using your brain. Remember, largest sex organ is our brain. So if you fantasize about being dominated or you watch some porn about being dominated.

If you get engrossed in what you're watching, like, you. You can surprise yourself and feel like. Learn that, like, sensation of letting go and just saying, like, I don't know when it's gonna happen, but I'm watching it. And then you can more like things to think about when you're having sex. So if you need domination to Orgasm fantasies will help you, and then you focus on the sensations that you're feeling in your body when it's happening. And then you can push yourself over the edge. So the thing here is that it's not to make you, like, you're only going to have to watch porn. What you're going to do is you're going to be able to realize that.

There'S a certain buildup of sensation that aligns with fantasy. Play with being dominated. So masturbation, it's a way of being mindful, but also with the fantasies. So while you're. You notice what starts happening in your body when you see these images. Like, maybe your breath starts quickening or you start grinding in a certain way. And then you'll just know that you link up to that fantasy so you won't have to, like, fully rely on it. Does that make sense to you? All right, you got that? So. So the thing is, you're still in control, but you're letting yourself go. And your brain is tricked into thinking you're in the submissive role, but eventually those wires are just going to become one in the same.

Yeah, this. This question was so interesting to me, and I think, like, you're so right about it. Just like, you can change your mindset. Like, you. Your mind is so powerful.

So powerful. And so a lot of these are really mind stuff that we have to work on controlling our mind during sex and during life.

Okay, and then we're going to take this last one.

So.

Is from Michael, who's 23 in Virginia. He writes. Hi, Emily. I love the show. I wanted to ask how women feel about men being overweight. I have always had an issue with approaching women in a romantic way. And the biggest reason is that the women I'm attracted to are so much more in shape than I am. And it makes me feel like a hypocrite and of less worth in their eyes than somebody else. Who then somebody else might be, which makes me insecure. I've lost a lot of weight in the past year, nearly £75. But I still have a ways to go before I'm confident with my body. I know that in most other areas, I'm a catch, but this feels. Feels like the last big hurdle I need to jump to really get myself out there. Is there a way to offset this insecurity until I reach my fitness goal? Or do women not prioritize looks as much as men think they do?

Okay, Michael, this question is brilliant because I think that it really made me think we had we talked about this, James. It's like, you know, I. First of all, I want to say Michael, congratulations on losing 75 pounds. That is not an easy feat. And you sound super determined and you are really taking your life into your own hands and I love it. And I totally understand the body confidence thing. So especially like with the weight loss, like you, you know, I have a lot of friends who've lost weight. I have a friend who recently lost like same thing, 70 pounds. And she's just like, I used to identify as like this heavier woman and now that I'm not, like you still, just because you lose the weight, you still feel like that person. It's like a whole new identity, right? And all self confidence issues are the same. Like we all have self confidence issues, but the weight, you know, manifest. But the weight one is easy because then you're changing and you're like, I thought I'd be so happy and feel great, but I'm still not always confident. And so this really is an inside job. The whole like, how do I build, you know, my self confidence and how do you like actually, Michael, learn on loving your body and knowing that like someone else, if they're having sex with you, they're attract you they made into the bedroom. And I gotta say this, this is true. I do believe that women are gonna be a little more lenient. Like I think you should start having sex now, Michael. If you find someone attractive and you're into it because you can lose weight, you might gain it back, but you're still the you that's gonna be having sex with people no matter what you weigh. And I say the same thing for women, that how can you show up to each sex sexual encounter, like being your most confident stuff and knowing that someone's in there to have sex with you, like she's in the door, she's had and that women are like, she's not going to run out, be like, oh my God, his body. Like, I, I have to say that I and I talk to women on the air, off air, everywhere we go. How many times do you hear women say he was out of shape and chubby? And I mean it doesn't happen as much as men.

It really doesn't.

I'm just gonna lay it down. It doesn't. I'm not saying women don't, but we were much more lenient and we're much more like. And this is goes back to attraction. It's not superficial. It's because like what women find attractive in men is their confidence and their facial structure sometimes and their status and says, like, are they, like, you know, have good jobs and are they passionate? Are they good caretakers? Are they funny? Do they have a good job? Can they be, you know, provider in ways. Like, there's other things that are way, way, way top. Even that thing said the other day. Women, looks is like bottom.

Yeah. It's like number nine.

Number nine on all the traits that women worry about for, like, they rated personality, sense of humor and, like, intelligence. Intelligence at the top three. At number nine was physical attraction. Men, guess what? Number one, Flippy. Number one, women. So, okay, Michael. Yeah. Little lenient. So what I'm saying is, yes, I wouldn't freak out that this. But also learn this confidence and looking in the mirror and looking at your awesome body and feeling good every day that you're taking care of yourself. And like, I love that you listen to podcasts because that means when you're ready, you know, or when you start having sex again, you are going to be such a great lover because you've learned so many tips anyway. So I think you've got so much going on right now that if you could put more of your attention on being healthy emotionally and physically and not unless on, like, your insecurities, you're going to be great.

Yeah. Because the more you focus on your insecurities, the more they're going to show.

Yep. They're going to amplify what we're doing. What we think about, what we think about, we create in our life. And the more we think about what we want, we get what we want. It's that simple. All right, thank you. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, everybody for listening to Sex with Emily. We love you all. Okay, thanks everyone, for listening to the show. This has been fun. We love hearing from you. Three shows a week. Check us out on SiriusXM. Thanks to our amazing sponsors. God, we have so many great companies we're working with now. I'm excited. Thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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