What’s Your Safe Word? Anna David Talks Addiction and Sex

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because there you will find my podcasts, all my blog posts. You'll find a lot of useful information that will help you have better sex and relationships. You should also sign up for my newsletter because it's actually not really an annoying newsletter at all. In fact, people like my newsletter. They come up to me and they're like, I like your newsletter. And who the hell says that? Because most people delete the goddamn newsletters. So sign up for that. Check out my post. Also, I would love if you followed me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I answer all your questions on Wednesdays from 12:31 Pacific Standard Time on Twitter for half hour. Whatever questions you have, I will answer it in 140 characters or last, which is which. I kind of like it because I'm kind of add. I can put it all in, right.

Anderson, you got to put that limit on you there.

I like the limit. I wish I.

Otherwise you write like 10 pages.

I know exactly. That's my problem. How you doing, Anderson?

I'm good. I'm sorry if it sounds like extra white noise in here. It's cuz the AC is broken and I got a fan.

Well, how come it's not broken in here?

Because I know I'd love to trade with you right now because you're a wavy little thing. It's cold fast. I'm all chunky over here. Sweating.

I turned it up to 74 though. We're going to be sweating soon. My guess, she'd probably look even hotter when she sweats. I have Anna David here.

Anna David is an author. She's written several books and I will tell you all about them, her books, her titles. We'll get into all that in a moment. She's got a podcast that you have to check it out, called After Party Pod. And she's a creative afterparty group. It's a company dedicated to trying to show addicts, sober and non sober alike, and the loved ones of addicts, what recovery can be like. She's also written a lot about sex and dating, and that's actually.

Well.

Okay. Anna might. Hi, Anna.

Hi, Emily. It's so good to intro. Can we talk about how long ago we met?

Yeah, we met a long time ago. Like, we were 22.

I want to say it was something like that in San Francisco at a party, because we were dating brothers.

Right? Okay. But I didn't. Here's a story about Anna David. I didn't know that you were dating his brother.

It was very brief.

Okay. But I was dating this guy for like a year. And Anna's super hot. Okay. And she was really hot and confident, and she was just there flirting with my boyfriend all night. He was flirting with her. He was into you. Okay, fine. He was into you. Yeah.

First of all, both. Yeah. We don't need to get into. But they both had girl names. That was just interesting.

I know. They had girl names. Yeah.

I was not ever flirting with.

Okay. But I thought I was just so nice. Yeah. Well, for a second, I was like, what? But he was like, into, like. And I never seen him have that look with anyone but me. So I was like, Anna David. And I always remembered your name just because that. And I think I only met you once. Cut to five years ago. We were on SiriusXM together on a show.

Yes.

And you're.

It was. It was the show I used to host on Maxim Radio. And you walked in and I completely knew who you were. And you go, we know each other from San Francisco. You did not share with me that I was flirting with you.

You were, because you were hot. And of course, I'm a chick. I'm like, I really loved him at the time, and that's how I first knew you. But now I know her for all her amazing accomplishments, and I'm so impressed by you, all the stuff you do. And in fact, my intern today was so excited she's not here, but she has read a bunch of books.

Really?

She's so excited and she wanted to come, but she had to work.

I love her already.

I know. Me too. I was like, I love that.

But can we also talk about how we reconnected in a Shoe store?

Yes.

How? I didn't know you moved from San Francisco. And no, we were not in a shoe store. But you were buying shoes to go away to Mexico or something, right? And I saw you and I said, emily, Anna, we went through this whole thing, and you. I just was like, her life continues to be fabulous. She just moved here. She's like, buying shoes to go to Mexico.

Oh, my God.

No, you're my idol.

Oh, you have my. See, that's my mutual adjuration society.

No, but it's really true. I mean, I've watched you build something and see it through and become this sort of CEO of your life and your business and multimedia. Forget Howard Stern, the king of all media. Here's the queen.

Oh, my God. And I mean it.

And you know, when I was starting my business, I asked you a bunch of questions.

Was I helpful?

Very.

Okay, fair. Well, I'm always here to help you. I didn't even feel like you needed my help because I go to your website and I'm like, oh, my God. New York Times, Bellingham, New York Times. Best selling author, Party Girl, and Bought and the nonfiction books Falling for Me. Reality Matters. By some miracle, I made it out of there. Two Tales of Lust and Love. Which is your most recent.

Yes. Yes.

So, I mean, you've done so many things.

It's really tiring. Those books. I don't know. I mean, you did a book, you.

Know, it's so hard. No one promotes it but yourself.

It's so hard. And I never want to do it again.

You never want to write a book again? No. So now you're focused mostly on After Party Podcast.

Yes. Well. And After Party Chat, which is the website that goes with it. So I got sober, I guess, 13 years and eight months ago. Nine months ago. And increasingly so I wrote a book. Whatever. I always talked about how I wanted to write a book and change the world and do all these things. I never did anything. And then I got sober and I realized I could write a book. Well, basically, a girl I knew who's sort of a nemesis wrote a book, and I thought, you if she can do it, I can do it. That was my motivation.

Okay. Did you always like writing? Were you always a writer, though? Because you're such a talented writer? Was that always your thing?

It always was my thing. I mean, I majored in creative writing in college, but that was because I was a party girl and it was really easy. You know, I.

Hence your first book. Yeah.

I didn't actually think I would do anything with it. But so I did always like writing, but so I just being sober, I thought, well, I can't write a book. And then I thought, well, I could write three pages a day. And if you do that, I can't really do math, but in nine months or something, you have a book, right? Like your baby.

Yeah, it is your baby.

And that one was great. It's the other five that I regret.

I know it's painful. And I was talking to someone. He's an agent. He actually reps writers. And he was saying that, like, every writer thinks it's painful. Like they hate. Like, you love it, but you hate it.

Yeah, I just hate it. In addiction, they say it starts off fun, then it gets to fun with problems, Then it gets to just problems. And with book writing, I got to just problems.

I think it's true with addiction, too. You're so right.

Yes.

That's like everything. You're right. Yeah. So I've always thought I should write another book, but I just really like talking and doing it. Don't you love doing the podcast? I do.

I do. It's really, really fun. So basically, I started this website last year, and I decided to do a podcast and knew nothing about it. And then I sold it all in January. And so now it's a much better situation because I'm paid to do it.

That's great. To do anything.

Paid to do anything is great.

Especially you're creative. Right.

Nearly going broke doing books. And so the podcast is just one. I do five posts a day on this website. So the podcast is one of the five posts on Friday. So I love.

And you write them off?

No, but I'm responsible for them all. So I have to come up with all the ideas and assign them and edit them, and then I write a bunch of them.

Oh, my God, you're busy. That's a lot. But do you like writing blog posts, though? Like, because that's kind of easier. Are you still all of it do.

No, I do. I just don't want to write books. I like writing anything but books.

Right, okay. Got it. We won't make you write another book.

I'm not sitting here right now.

No, no, I definitely don't do that. But then we met, so let's go back to the beginning, because when we met, like you, you were writing about love and dating and sex. That's another thing you got tired of.

Yes, but I don't get tired of the topic of addiction and recovery. But the thing is, I felt that I got pigeonholed as that I never wanted to be writing or talking about sex and hate.

What happened to you then?

It was a complete accident. I was writing. I worked for Premier magazine and I was writing, you know, celebrity profiles and I was really into writing about movies and stuff. And then this girl, literally this girl, like cold, called me and said she was the sex columnist for New York magazine at the time. She said, I want to do a story where I trade dating lives with a girl in LA and then we write about it. And would you want to do that? And I sort of. I say yes to every opportunity I make sure. And then she sold it to Playboy and then the story ended up becoming this huge deal. I never done anything like that.

What if you traded? Did you have to go to New York for a few months? Yes.

So they fly you to New York for a week. I stayed in her apartment. She set me up on dates. And then I, you know, met whoever I met and wrote about it. Super fun. Completely bonded with the Playboy editor when I was there. He said, let's shoot you guys for the magazine naked. Like you can definitely see my. It's like ass. I am just wearing a G string. But it's shot in such a way that you just see ass. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But it was six pages of photos. So you don't know this?

No, I know nothing about this. And I want to doubt. Can people Google it?

No, you can't find it online. And I was in another time and both issues are collectors issues because Pam Anderson was on the COVID of one and Carmen Elector was on the COVID of the other.

Wow, nice.

Which is a big deal, dude.

That's huge.

So. So because of the six pages of photos. And then this was like a 4,000 word story. And then it was optioned and made into this reality show pilot. I know, I thought this happened on every story. I didn't realize.

Right. Right now everyone gets a reality show made out of a story. No.

And I was a producer. I had an office on it. Unfortunately, the show's terrible and was not picked up. But. But then. So that was such a big deal that suddenly I had a TV agent and people are calling him and going, oh, she's a sex, dating and relationship expert. And he's like, yeah. And so that was. That was. That was how it happened. And then attack of the show, the show called on G4. On G4 and they said, will she come in and answer sex and dating questions one day? And so I did that. And I didn't know they were revamping the show and then they hired me and I did it twice a week for three years.

It was really popular and people loved you.

You know, I certainly didn't know anybody in my day to day life who watched it, but I got a lot of email. You know what I mean?

I bet you did see a lot of dick pictures, too. I do.

I still get. I still have a folder called Creepy on my mouth. Do you have that? No, but I should. You should. Oh, my God, you need it so much more than I do. Well, I feel like I get creeped out a lot easier than you do.

Yeah. I'm like, oh, another dick picture? Yeah. What creeps you out? What's creepy?

There are some. I really wish I had my computer with you so I could. Because it's the. It's a wide variety. Here's what I don't like. I still get these, okay, men who write and say. Say that they're writing because they're too big for their wife, but they're really clearly writing to try because they think you're gonna be like, oh, my God, can I please have sex with you? Do you get those?

Well, I do. Well, I get a lot of guys who write in and they truly are too big and they're like, talking about their girlfriend, but I don't think they're hitting me. However, I do have a friend. Not a friend, an acquaintance from where I grew up in Michigan. I hope he doesn't listen to the show, but he. All the time, he's like, I got a really serious question. Like, my penis is just too. And I know he's, like, hitting. He's kind of sleazy. He's like, my penis is too big. And, like, not sure what to do because every girl I date has a problem with it. And I'm just like, I ignore him. I'm just like, use lots of lube.

Yeah.

That's all I say. Like, use lube. Be careful.

And it's not always that great, by the way.

But then I hear that he's telling people that we're dating. I'm like, all I do is give him advice about his big penis. Yeah. Like, I'm not.

But I do want to clarify. I don't think everyone who sends that email. I just.

No, right. No, I'm just saying people really do. Right?

Oh, I know people do have the problem. I've tried to have sex with those people. I know that they have that problem, you know?

You tried to have sex with people with the. So it actually worked.

Not with anyone who emailed me about it when I've happened upon them in my regular life.

Okay, so when you were writing about dating and sex and doing the tech of the show, which was. Do you feel like you learned stuff, or did you.

I did. I also felt very unqualified, so I would pursue, you know, that school in San Francisco I got an associate of sex education.

The one I went to.

Yes.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

We talked about this at one point. And then I, you know, I joined the American association of Sexuality Educators. Counselors.

Therapist. I'm sure you were in that.

And I really, you know, tried to educate myself as much as I could because I. Because I would get emails from people that were like, Dear Dr. Dave. And they really thought that I. You know, I never passed myself off as any kind of a therapist or anything like that. But that really grew into this thing that was almost unmanageable. I was doing lots of spokesperson jobs, and that's how we were kind of running across. I would go in for meetings, and they'd go, oh, Emily Morse just left kind of a thing.

Right, right. You and I have definitely run in the same circles. That's true. That's true. And I appreciate. Because you've recommended some things to me as well.

That's true. Because I don't.

You're like, I'm out. Yeah.

Whenever I get.

Bye.

Do you ever say yes to those? I never know. You know what?

So I think one of them. I did. I can't remember what it was, but I did. Ye. A few of them I've, like, said, yes. I'm interested. And I appreciate that.

Of course.

So. So now. Okay. Are you single now? Dating.

I'm dating. Didn't I say we weren't gonna get into this?

Oh, we're not. Okay. I know. What is the difference? Can we just talk more generally?

Yeah.

How about dating here? La, Los Angeles versus dating. Because you were in New York for a while.

Mm.

What do you think is the difference?

Well, it's much better in New York, of course, but living there is so much more miserable than who cares, Right?

Exactly. Kind of balance. It sort of cancels each other out.

You know, my thing about it is that la. Living in LA is so pleasant. It's. We're not cold. There are lovely people. There are all these things to do, so the need. So being single isn't so bad. It's actually kind of wonderful. Whereas being single in New York is. You better attach yourself to somebody not only for warmth, but just like to get through those long winter months.

Yeah, that's true. It's like that. Like, in the Midwest as well. Yeah, but people always say. But they. How about the mentality. People say New York guys are looking for the bigger, better deal. Or in la, they're looking for the bigger, better deal. And in New York, the guys work too much. And they're.

I found in New York, I mean, I definitely. I was never single the whole. Like, I lived there for three years, I was never single. Whereas here, again, I'm.

I love my lady life. Me, too.

I really. My friend was saying the other day, she said looking for boyfriends is so much more fun than having boyfriends.

That's so true.

I know.

It's like, the grass is always greener once you have one. You're, like, so boring after the first three months. I know. Because we have a lot going on, too. And if anyone infringes upon my, like, I gotta work, like, no, you work too much. I'm like, okay. And you call me too much.

Right? Exactly. You don't work enough.

Exactly. Maybe you get a job and then stop calling me.

Are you dating anybody?

You know, a few people here and there. But nothing, you know, nothing. That since we had lunch a few weeks ago.

We had lunch. There was someone that we talked about.

I mean, I'm pro. Yeah, I'm still. I still see him sometimes, and I have a few.

I'm not.

I'm not in a commitment phase right now.

Right.

Or have I ever been?

Yeah.

I was gonna say, since my boyfriend loved you 20 years ago.

Exactly. It's hard for me to wrap my head around you caring about a boyfriend, flirting with someone.

I was. I loved him.

That's so cute.

He was, like, the last person I ever loved.

I know it's been a long time, Emily. That's why we have to have lunch way more often. Dude.

Okay, can we just talk about this?

Yeah.

I've had your birthday present.

I know.

That's so sweet. She works across the street from me. Not, like across and down the street, but I could see into your window.

Directly across the street.

Yeah. And she hasn't come by because we're both so goddamn busy. No.

And we scheduled that lunch, like, a month and a half ahead of time. I was shocked. Shocked when we both did it. And then. Yeah. And then I said, tomorrow, I'll come by your office.

Right.

And that was.

And, like, even my sister Lauren's like, is Anna coming by? I'm like, I'm not gonna bother. We'll See her on the street.

Well, you're the only person who understands why. I totally get it. 15 minutes to walk across the street.

Honey, I get it. But how is it going? So. So you started writing about addiction and covering. Was it soon after? No. Well, you've been sober 13 years. You've been sober.

It was when I was four years sober. I started writing Party Girl. And that was, you know, it's a novel, but it's so my story. So I just kind of fictionalized my story and had this amazing time. I wrote it in nine months. I had the easiest time ever selling it, sold it to Judith Regan, and it was this amazing thing. And again, kind of like that Sex and Two Cities, that article for Playboy. I was like, this is what it's like with every book. And it was so not like that.

It's so not like that. You've just had. You've had good success with that.

I had, yes. Party Girl was. And the problem with writing and a lot with this, you know, doing anything, is that today so many people criticize you. You know, I can never write again the way I wrote with Party Girl because I didn't have all the Amazon nasty reviews in my head and all the things I know. And now I'm starting to get them for my podcast.

Really? People. Well, people. You always get that. And it's so funny because I try not to read them. I really don't. But we. A few years ago, I tried to charge for my podcast because I've been trying to make a living at this for years.

And you have succeeded.

Yes. I mean, yes. But I. So we decided to charge for it for, like, a few months. And I mean, I so. So Menace, who's my co host, and as the show. And he said this last week. I'm gonna say it again. If you guys like the show or you don't like, I don't care. Well, if you don't like it, don't go to itunes. But if you do like it, go to itunes and review it and just say that you like it and you listen, because that would really help me because people were angry and they can't believe you're charging.

So there was a lot of like, oh, that's so.

Yeah. But people also say, Emily talks too fast. Her voice is annoying. Like, I read that stuff, and I'm like, but some people really like me.

Yeah.

When I started becoming more public with, you know, doing anything that's public, I thought, okay, well, people like. I first thought about Sitzkill and Ebert Right. Thumbs. They wouldn't even agree on movies. Sometimes it'd be like, thumbs up, thumbs down. I'm like, okay, so half the people are gonna hate me, and half the people are gonna like me. That's pretty good. Or I think people hate Oprah. People hate dogs, puppy dogs. People are gonna hate me, and it's fine. So I just try not to take it in because I feel like I'm doing the best I can. And I really want to help people with their lives and their relationship. Like, truly, it's not. Cause I think I'm. It's gonna make me famous and whatever, rich. Because I'm happy, but just. It feels good. Just like how you get tired of addiction.

Yes.

I never tire of sex and relationships and dating.

Yeah. I really don't meant to do it.

Because I meant to do it just like you're meant to do what you're doing. So you started doing your podcast.

But I will say this. You know, I think that the Amazon critics, and in general, I mean, I've read the. When I was on Attack of the show, like, I read the nastiest things about myself. And I did learn to just either not read it or let it sort of brush off.

Right?

But it's funny because the podcast I care so much about, right? And people will email me and say, I just wrote you a really nice review. So then I go to read the really nice review. But I will say, the two negative reviews I've gotten have only two.

Honey.

Well, there's not that many together.

Okay, so go review and listen to it, then. Review it.

You don't even have to listen to it. Just go right now. I'm kidding. But they were really helpful. They were really harsh and really helpful. You know, one said, she talks over her guests. She talks too much. And I think it was true. And then another said she was criticizing my vocal abilities. And I was like, honey, I get paid to go to colleges and talk.

Do you?

I think my vocal abilities are okay.

Yeah, I think so, too.

But she talked about certain facials. I mean, sort of verbal tics. And I'm more conscious of them. And I think she's right.

Right. Okay, that's true. It is true. And people say I cut off my guests, too. And they've been saying that. So if I do, I apologize.

You haven't done it to. But.

Well, no, but people do say that. And they say, I talk to you. I read that. So it's true. It is helpful. And I've been doing it for so long. Maybe on like 2000 podcasts. I used to. Not even. I think, I think I still do this too. But I used to not even finish my sentences. Like, I cut myself off. Like, okay, any guess? If I cut you off, I'm sorry, but I cut myself off. Like, I have a change of thought in the middle. And I used to have an intern. This was eight years ago. And she'd hold up a card. Her job was just to be like, finish your sentences, finish your set. Like it was the training.

That's hilarious.

I don't know. It was a nervous thing.

No. But I think that's why I like talking to you so much. I was noticing two minutes ago that you talk really fast. And I talk faster than anyone I know and I'm always criticized for it, so.

Me too.

So I think our brains kind of work at the same speed.

They do. My brain works faster, I think, than I can speak and I can process thoughts. And I've always been a fast talker and it's something that I'm really trying to work on.

Yes.

Because it can be annoying to people too. And they're like someone like one of the reviews said, I can't even understand what she's saying clearly.

10,000 to 15,000 people that download it every time. 10.

Right.

So she can chill out. But yes.

So you're so addiction and recovery. So how is that. So 13 years.

Yes. Yeah.

Almost 14. Yeah. That's amazing accomplishment because most people are addicted to. To something.

Most. I mean, that's not to say I'm not addicted to other things still.

What, coffee?

Well, process addictions. Like these, These things that you're in the. You know, that, that you're always kind of doing whatever they are, whether it's like an unhealthy relationship with food or sex or technology, you know, full on workaholic, full on technology person.

A holic. Me too.

With the phone and never, you know, never sucks. But I think like love and relationship. My thinking is not sane always around it.

Like, how so?

Well, I think that I.

Well, I, you know, I haven't been like, we were just talking about like, like, you know, I was madly in love like decades ago. And I think that what I will do is I will say there's something wrong with me, you know, rather than I'm building this huge career. It's. Everything happens the way it's meant to. And I have. But I have like really black and white thinking. And then I sort of. I feel like we talked about this, but it was off air. So it doesn't count. But, you know, it's like, I would. You know, I have certain expectations. I know that there have been people that I could have just sort of settled for, which I think a lot of people do, and I don't. I envy that.

Me, too.

I just wish I could do that and not. I don't know, it's like, I don't feel like I'm expecting some Prince Charming, you know, but.

But is it that this is exactly the thing? Because I don't know. I mean, I'm in the same boat. I've dated. I don't date assholes. I don't date jerks. I date really nice guys. And they're not, like, abusive. They're not mean to me. You know, maybe I have one or two bad ones, but I got rid of them within a month. But mostly they're like, great guys who love me and they're sweet to me, and I'm just like, I'm not there. I don't feel the same way you do. I can't, or whatever it is. And then all my friends say to me, I said, well, so maybe I'm just not meant to be in a committer. That's not my lot in life. And I've also never been focused on it. I've never thought, like many women, we're very. I don't think. I don't know many women like us in the sense of who they are totally oriented towards finding a lover, finding a partner, settling down, having children. And for me, it's always been about what is the bigger picture? What's going to be my footprint in life? How am I going to change the world? And truly.

And.

Because I knew that would be so satisfying to do what I love, get paid for it, and be able to, like, make. Because I always, like, felt like my dad didn't love being a lawyer and my mom raised me never to rely on a man or anyone to take care of you. So I thought, okay, well, I better love what I do if I'm going to be working my whole life. And so for me, it's been this journey to finding what I love.

Yes.

But now that I found it eight years ago, it's been, like, building it and trying to, like, sustain it so I could have a life.

I know. And then when is it big enough?

Right? When is it big enough? And when do you have it? When can you take the break and have the.

I know, I know. And I mean, I know. I don't know if this is just Boring for listeners. But I will say that, you know the thing about your mom saying always be financially independent. And I looked my. I don't know if anyone said that to me, but I looked at my parents marriages. Oh my God. My mom settled and if he didn't have, if there wasn't money involved, she could have done so much better. And I know I internally said that, that I will, you know, and I do think I'm. It's not that women who are financially dependent on men, there's something wrong with men.

Nothing at all.

But. But I think if you don't want to do that, then the priority of doing that, it becomes less.

Right, exactly. So I'm like, why do I need it? Why do I don't need them? You know, And I've dated guys with money, without money. And I'm like, oh yeah, it'd be nice to, you know, go on these trips or have them go take me shopping. But it didn't trump everything else. It wasn't as a priority for me.

I know.

So. But it's funny because then you still were giving relationship advice. And it's funny, you said at the beginning you felt like you were the expert. You weren't the expert. People were calling you the expert. And that's how I felt at the beginning too. I was like, you know, I started getting phone because I started doing a live show in San Francisco and I get callers and I know what am. If God knows I have enough therapy and I've read enough. But then I read every book on the song under about it. But I still felt. Now I finally feel like I'm a doctor, got my doctorate, I can be called the expert. But it took a while, you know? Yes.

I mean, but I also think making it specifically about sex and less about relationships because you, you can and you have become an expert. Whereas with relationships, I would just always feel like, you know, people would say to me, we don't want some lady who's been married 20 years giving us.

That's not exactly. You're out there dating.

Yes. I mean, my whole message has always been, you know, I. All my advice comes from my own experience, you know, and I have made these mistakes. So I can, I can predict any mistake you could make and tell you what my experience has been.

Yeah, exactly. We know our. Because we've done so much work on ourselves. Yes.

And been on so many dates.

So many dates. Any. Okay, so I know we're not talking about your dating like now, but are there any good stories or Anything that's happened that you can share or anything that really influenced you as far as in any of your. Your writing lately? Anything that's happened to you that we could that.

Well, I'm trying to think.

God, I. I know. I didn't mean to set this bar. We can't talk about my dating. It's been. It's been a little not that exciting lately. But. Yeah, I mean, all I've been doing lately is working. I am going to go to Indonesia to visit some rehab. But that's what I mean. You know what I mean?

It's work, but Indonesia? Are you going to Bali?

I don't even know where it is. We're still working it out. And I speak at colleges. I'm going to Alaska to speak in September in Wyoming. Do you do any of that?

You know, I'm starting to do more. I did a workshop at Hustler here, but I'm going to start doing more speak. I really want to do college campuses.

Yes.

Yes. It's just like on the list of all the things I want to do.

It's a whole thing. But, yeah, no, I mean, my focus is basically this company was bought in January and until December, you know, he's my owner, is like working me to the ground. And now we finally have ads that we're getting, so it's actually profitable. But it has been a grind.

I know. It is a total grind. It's hard, but I'm proud of you sticking with it. So after. So it's about. Do you interview people who are going through who are.

Yeah, for the podcast, I interview sober people. And I have. It's mostly comedians, but I've had, like.

Who have you had on.

I have had Marc Maron. I had Paul Gilmartin, Jimmy Pardo. This week I had.

My God, why am I blanking? Well, actress. I've had Kristen Johnston. I've had Mackenzie Phillips, writers, Jerry Stahl.

I. Wait, who is John Heffern? Was the one I had. This week I'm having Alonzo Bo. Do you know who that is? Just like I said, they talk.

But do they all talk about their. Yes, they, like, reveal everything. Because you're so open. People who are.

Well, takes one to know one, but yeah, it's. I did not know what I was doing at all. I was recording them on an iPhone. And I. I remember that when I.

First met you, like, I'm using the iPhone. I'm like, cool. Yeah.

And I. And I had. Great. I just asked people. I mean, these were all pretty much People I knew, and then I got the equipment and. And, you know, I definitely have learned as I've gone. And now it's. It's because it's hard to know when you're interviewing somebody. Am I that what we were talking about? Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? Because sometimes to be of service to the show, I should shut up.

Right.

And yet I always think I need to make it better by talking. And it's, you know, and then I'm not in the moment. And the best conversations are the ones where you can just even forget that you're doing a show. Like, I just.

And you'll get to that. No, see, that's what I. I mean, I think that I often. I probably cut people off in real life. It's the truth. Because I just think about it, that I'm doing a show. I'm not like, oh, what's everyone gonna like and want to hear right now? So I guess I don't really think about that, but I want to talk about. Well, we've taken a quick break now for my sponsors, but when we come back, we got to talk more about sober sex. I've always wanted to talk about that because I know I have a lot of people who are sober and are afraid of getting sober, and they talk about those experiences. But also people think they can never have sex if they're not sober.

Right.

So I want to give some tips on that, but first we have to. And then we're answer some emails.

Great.

Because I think that you can really help some people that have emailed me about a lot of different things that we will cover. But first, I'm going to tell you a little bit about my sponsor here. Thanks, everyone for supporting the show and my amazing massage candles. Okay, I made them. I shouldn't call them amazing, but the truth is they kind of are. A massage candle, do you know what it is? It basically looks like a regular candle, but it instantly turns into massage oil. You light it and the oil pools, and then it's not waxy or sticky or hot. It's just super romantic and sexy and it's. It helps you massage your partner and get. It helps your partner get in the mood because let's face it, how many times have you ever, like, asked your partner, like, to get asked a woman to get you to give her a massage or you've asked a guy's giving. You know what I'm trying to say? Massage is a gateway to intimacy. And I feel like one of the biggest killers of people's sex drive is actually the fact that they're so goddamn stressed out. So a massage candle, they're aromatherapy, they smell amazing, and when you pour on your partner, it's. I mean, I gave it to my best friend who's been married for 15 years when I was in Chicago this weekend. And she said they had.

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You said she was married.

Oh, I thought you said she was the mayor. I'm glad I said, ya.

She's married. And she said that they had the best sex they've had in five years. You've used the candle, Anderson.

The candle's pretty sweet. Yeah, because it just.

You give a massage, it feels great. It's soothing. And one guy wrote me, my girlfriend was skeptical at first, but agreed to try the warm oil on me first and gave me a back. Rubbish. Then I reciprocated and we had amazing sex. She could not stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. And I'm convinced the scent and the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex we face. We have faced lately.

It's. It's actual Spanish fly. It is Spanish fly. I would. I would go on a limb and say that 95% of people, if there's more than one person in the room and the candle's lit 95%, they get intimate. Yeah, it's 95%.

It's true. Have it lit before someone comes over and be like, oh, hey, baby, want a massage?

It's like, no dinner. She just starts taking off her clothes right there.

Exactly.

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Oh, I'm so glad I wore makeup.

You look beautiful.

I think we should talk more about sex.

We have not talked enough about sex. I know.

Sorry.

Okay, so I want to talk about. Because I have a lot of friends who are sober, and I worked, really worked. But when they got. Two of my best friends got sober together, they didn't even know each other. And then I introduced them, and I went to them to a bunch of meetings, and I just saw how their life was so transformed. Like, I even had a therapist once. I'm like, I'm not addicted, but I want to do to the 12 steps.

Oh, everybody should.

Everybody should. I think it's amazing. But the thing that was so hard for them, I think for a lot of people, is being sober on a date. Being sober, that first kiss. How can you have sex sober people? Just blows their mind. Like, oh, have a glass of wine. So was that. Is that something that comes up a lot for people that. Because my friend was so nervous on dates when she first came over, she'd make me go with her because she couldn't talk to men. It was her first few months. And I'd go with her. I'd be like, do you know? I'll call her Stacy. Stacy used to, you know, work in retail. And she was the. Like, I'd have to sell it. Cause she's like, no, Emily, I'm not kidding you. I become mute around men. I'm like, you're not mute. You're the funniest, most outgoing I'm mute. And sure enough, she couldn't talk. She kept getting up with us. So anyway, it is hard for people. It's us.

Did you going along really help matters?

I think so.

Didn't they just like you sometimes?

I know just once. But no, I think it helped. I was very. Not, like, not dressed down, not flirty.

Not like me with your old boyfriend.

Yeah. That wasn't like you trying to, like, be a whore and steal her boyfriend. Just kidding. He probably just liked you, and you were hot and I was jealous, so it's cool. But what is that look?

Well, that's. For me, that was not a big thing. I had never had sober sex before. I mean, when you're in relationships, of course you have sex, sober sex, you know, in the morning or the day or whatever it is. But, you know, I pretty much. When I lived with a boyfriend, for some. I mean, I didn't drink every night at that point, so I had done it, I do think. I don't know. I think I did the opposite, which is. I dated more. I got so into cocaine that mine wasn't really drinking as much as I was holed up in my apartment alone for three years doing cocaine with, like.

Two cats for cocaine every day, a.

Lot when I had it, until it was gone. So it would be like a two year.

And then say, I'm not gonna do it.

Then I. Yeah, and then every month I'd go, I'm not gonna do that anymore. And then I would quit for three weeks or a month and go, well, no cocaine addict can quit for three weeks or a month, so I'm obviously not a cocaine addict. It was a terrible, terrible cycle. And so I got sober, I went to rehab, and I started, you know, I got in the program, and suddenly I'm surrounded by boys, and they're cute, and they're, you know, talking about the same issues I have. And so they say, don't date in your first year. And I'm like, excuse me, I'm finally around people again, and they're cute. I. And I sort of ignored that advice. And I got why they. They said it. Because my choices, you know, my picker was very, very broken. The picker?

The picker. You were picking the wrong kind of men.

Oh, yeah. I was really drawn to those, like, dirty, tattooed boys. There are a lot of them who are sober.

So in aa, you were drawn to those picker boys? Yeah, to those picker boys. Bad picker boys, yes.

But I. I was very comfortable. I think I was far more Comfortable dating. I knew how to kind of throw on that Persona or whatever, and I was far less comfortable making female friends and being real. And then I think that Persona or whatever, I got my comfort by talking to the men and getting attention and all that.

Right.

I'm sure you did. You were like the new girl on the scene. But did you. Did you then honor. You didn't honor the one. You're sober?

No. No.

What about your sponsor? Did you tell them?

Yeah, I mean, she was cool. And the girls I sponsor now, you know, I'm like, you'll pick the wrong people. But I'm not gonna tell you not to do it. I mean, I. You know, and misconceptions about program is. It's like if somebody tells me I can't do something, it's just gonna make me want to do it.

Right.

You know, I don't drink or do drugs because I don't want to do that. You know, it's not that. It's not willpower. It's not because someone told me not to. It's a real complicated thing. But keeping it about the sober sex, I think that I was. I was not that freaked out about it. I know that people are. But mean sober sex is a million times better.

You remember it well, you can perform better.

That's the thing, is people would say, you know, I dated this very famous guy who wasn't famous then when I was in college. And so my whole life, anyone who knows that is like, how big was the stick? And I literally have to say, I have no idea.

Cause you don't remember? No. Who's the famous guy?

Oh, I'm not. I'll tell you off air.

You can't tell me now?

No.

Okay.

Got it.

So he's famous. You don't know if he had a big dick? Can you just. Not at all. You don't remember.

I do. I do.

You remember?

I would remember if it was small. It was Matt Damon. We never talked about that. No. Oh, yeah.

Dated Matt Damon in college.

Yes.

Do you still talk to him?

No. No. Our last conversation.

How's your penis? Know it?

Yeah, exactly. No, I mean, he was lovely, but our last conversation was him calling me. It was always like, he was up against, you know, he was up against Leonardo for a long time, and then he was always up against some guy who would always get the part, you know, before. And so then Ed Norton was his big competition, so he was up for the Rainmaker. And he's like, I'm up against Ed Norton again. Like, I don't think I'm gonna get it. And then he calls me. He's like, I'm the Rainmaker. And that was the last conversation I ever had with him.

We just lost touch. We broke up then, like, he's like.

No, we weren't together there. We were very good friends for a long time after we dated. We dated in college, so.

So where'd you go to school?

I went to Trinity, but I had a Harvard fetish, and it was an hour and a half away, and my. My brother went there. My dad.

Did Matt Damon go to Harvard?

Yes, he did. He was not. He was living in his. Did they call him dining clubs. The fraternity. So he was living in his dining club then because he was making this movie called School Ties in Lowell, Massachusetts. So he was not enrolled at Harvard.

At the time, but that didn't matter. He lived at Harvard.

Yeah.

I used to have a school thing too. Like, Ivy League hot. I'm like, wherever do you go to school?

I know, I know. It gets me so turned on. It's bad even now. Ivy League.

So was he a good lover? You don't remember? It wasn't bad.

We were in college. How.

Who was a good lover in college? Nobody's a good lover in college. That's why people listening to the show have to understand. I've actually been writing a lot of good stuff lately, I have to say, if I say so myself. I wrote something for men's fitness, and it was like, the 10 reasons you're bad and bad for men. And it's gotten, like, 8 million shares on Facebook and all that. So check out my. Oh, like, my sexuality page on Facebook. And. And your. What's your Facebook page?

Oh, Anna David. And then there's after party.

Okay, so you want to like that, too. Yeah, but. But. So. But people, they're in their 20s. They're. Or like, when people. Like, I never had good. No man ever performed oral sex on me in my 20s. That was really good at all.

Oh, that was good.

Never in my life did you know. I'm still waiting.

The first time I had that, I. I was a junior in high school. Sorry. And my boyfriend. I knew about a blowjob. Like, I knew somebody had shown me on a banana. Like, the total cliched, like, Fast Times at Ridgemont High kind of a thing. I had never heard about a man going down on a woman. So when he did that to me, I was like, this is the best kiss of my life. That's what I thought.

I mean, I was you didn't even know. We didn't know then. It was different.

Didn't tell us anything.

And anal sex? Anyone ever tried to have anal sex with you in college, like.

Oh, people have. I've never gone there.

Yeah, people. It wasn't terrible.

Have you never had anal sex?

I mean. Well, no. Now I have.

Right.

But then in college, it wasn't a thing.

Yeah, no, it wasn't really a thing.

Now it's like porn. Everyone's watching porn and they're doing all the things.

It's like acid. I never needed to take it to know I didn't like it.

Right, you never did. So you just did coke? Mostly. And drink. Oh, I did every other drug except for acid. Yeah, I did acid at a Dead show.

Yeah. Or San Francisco. You couldn't help it.

You're from San Francisco too, right?

Yes. Yes, Marin County.

Okay. That's why I met you at a party at Simpson beach when you were flirting with my boyfriend.

God, I wish I remembered this.

Well, you were probably drunk.

I was probably.

I didn't know that. I just thought you were, you know. Okay, so. I know. But now, do you date guys who aren't sober?

Yeah, I do.

I mean, I don't discriminate. It's, like, hard to date an active alcoholic. But mostly, there's a lot of guys who don't drink. But I'm in a phase now where I'm into dating sober guys again. At first I was like, too much like you.

In a way.

They're just too crazy. And they've got so many issues. Exactly. Too much like me.

Right? But no, but I'm saying because you're sober, they're sober, you're part of the same thing. It's so familiar.

Yeah, no, that part's good, because you speak the same language, but they're a little nutty and they've got a whole bunch of issues. And sober people were so dramatic.

Yeah, but here's my question about that. Are sober people really that much nuttier than everyone else who's numbing themselves with something that makes them not seem as crazy?

Well, I think that people have their medicine and sober people don't. I mean, that's the idea about addiction and alcoholism that I truly believe is that it's sort of humanism to an exponential degree. So it's like we all feel scared. We all feel like, you know, fearful or whatever it is, or these people don't like us. But in the alcoholic, it's exaggerated so much that it becomes like, I can't handle how I feel. I've got to change it right now. And so then you start alcohol, drugs, whatever does that for you. And then it turns on you and it starts doing the opposite. And then you have to stop. And so you have to learn how to deal with those feelings that you've.

Been repressing or that you. That you think the drug's helping you.

With that they once did.

Yeah.

And that quote unquote, normal people don't have. They don't get so desperate that they have to learn this new way of living.

Right.

But I did. I did think of something fun to talk about is like on the topic because I was being so secretive about my dating life.

That Damon was a pretty good. Yeah, come on.

You're getting.

I like it. It's good dirt.

No, but I want to talk about.

And then I'm gonna call him after ya.

Okay.

Tweet him. Just kidding.

No, no.

The best lover I've ever had.

Oh my God. Tell me why. Why was he the best lover?

He's so incredible. He's still my fantasy.

Tell me what made him the best lover.

He's amazing. He was put on this earth too.

Does he live in LA and he's single?

He lives in New York.

Okay.

And. And I met him when I lived there. God help me if he listens.

I don't know.

He's very sexual apparently. But maybe he doesn't need to listen because he's what made him the best lover.

Oh, God. Well, you know, I think that what it was because I used to like, try to figure it out with my therapist. Like, what is it about this guy? Great.

I want to know.

Well, okay, well, one thing is he was the one person I could have casual sex because I met him and he was in it. I don't want to give up too much. He was like in an open relationship. He was not available.

And I didn't want to date. I was just like, that couldn't be my boyfriend. So all that stuff that you kind of carry around with you at a certain age where you're like.

Or at any age, is he the one? Is this and that if I do.

This, is he not going to respect me? And will I not be the girl who wants to take him to mom or whatever, it is gone. And so. Okay, well, so this thing. So he had written this story. He's an amazing writer. So he had written this story that he sent that he showed me that was about this guy who had this belt and he drilled an extra hole into It. So that it worked perfectly to tie up. To tie a woman's wrists up against bedpost. But, like, mild bondage, you know, just with this thing. And. And then we have this plan, and he came over, and I saw that he was wearing, like, he. I somehow I figured it out. And so then he did. So he. He, like, kind of takes it out, and he's like, your safe word is yellow. And I'm like, I am really living. I have a safe word. You've had a safe word, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

I was just like, I'm so excited. And then I found out yellow is a common safe word.

Well, red, yellow, green, usually. Red is stop. Green is keep going, and yellow is like, caution. I'm not sure.

Okay. Yeah, I thought it was original that he never.

Okay, yeah, so it was hot. Most women, it's like Fifty Shades, right? You want. It feels good to be tied up a little bit.

Okay. But his game, it was all this, like, power stuff. I mean, obviously, that's what it is. But then what he did. So then he's, like, blindfolding me, and he's like, whatever you do, you cannot beg. And I'm. And I go, that's fine. So then, like, he was her kissing me, and then he would, like, whatever. Go down to me, whatever he was doing, and then he'd, like, leave the room. I'd be like. And he's like, I said, no begging or I'm gonna leave. Like, oh.

It was. So how long would he leave you for?

Not long. It felt like hours, you know, but. And so. And then, you know, in bed, how you're. You sort of try to. So that was. That was over. And I was like, oh. And he wouldn't sleep with me after that. That night.

Why? Never again.

No, because it was like his power and control thing. It just made me want him so much more.

Oh, my God.

No, this guy.

So before that, though, what made him the best lover? Was he great at oral sex?

So that was our first night.

Oh, that was your first and last night?

No, no, no, no, no. He wouldn't have sex with me that night.

Oh, because he wanted you to keep thinking about him. Yes. Okay. That is so key, because I always say that the keys to great sex and the reason why people stop having great sex when they're in committed relationships is because it's all about the mystery. The anticipation, building desire, the teasing. That's what women want. So when you walk in the door with a raging boner and you take her pants off and trying to stick it in. And we're not warmed up yet. We're gonna reject you because we're not even turned on. You're not being considerate. What you can do is take that boner and go take. Take down that blood in your boner and move it to your brain for a second and try to seduce us. So then we are begging for it.

Yeah.

And so he knew how to do that.

He knew how to do that. And I think that women who, you know, think they're really in control and are really in control in their lives. Like our dream and fantasy is to have somebody be strong enough to take that away.

Exactly.

And so.

And to be desired and cherished because it makes you feel like they want you so bad or they're. Yeah, they're worshiping you. But in a way, I guess he's leaving you. So that's.

But yeah, I mean, it was a little push and pull, and I. And you know, in bed, you know how you kind of start to direct people, you know, and he was like, shh. And I loved that. He just sort of ignored me and knew better than I did.

How are you directing them? Do you give instructions?

Well, it's just sort of like to the left.

Like, beyond to the left, to the right.

And then. And then we made a plan and. And I went over there, and it was daytime, too. And he just, like. Kind of like I didn't even get in the door. And he was like. He just threw me against the wall. And then we had. That was the first time we had sex.

Right. See, that's hot.

Oh, yeah.

See, sometimes we do. We want to be. But that's a turn on because.

Because what had preceded it was that entire thing that I.

You've been thinking about it all week.

Yeah. And I didn't. I was like, this is atypical. He's not giving it up. Maybe he won't for a while. And so then it was.

He's still. Talk to him. Yeah, yeah.

And he'll be like, send me a picture.

Right. Do you send nude pictures?

I've only done it to him.

Wow. Okay. Is he still in the open relationship?

Oh, I don't even know. I mean, he's better as a fantasy than in reality. When I go.

So many guys are.

I know, but when I would go to New York, we would just. Just have, like, a plan.

That's fun. I like those things. I mostly like the emotionally unattached sex, but that's me.

That was the only one I liked it with.

I like that story. Okay, we're gonna get into little emails here from the people. So thanks everyone for emailing me. Feedbackexwithemily.com I love hearing from you. And I've got another expert here, whether she likes things. Dear Emily, I am very educated about sexual health and open minded sexually, but have a hard time emotionally accepting my boyfriend looking at porn while he masturbates. We have a great relationship, respect each other's sexual relationships with ourselves and love mutual masturbation. I know that men tend to need visual stimulation and that it is separate from our relationship, but as a rape survivor, I have a hard time dealing with the sexual objectification I see important. I can logically understand why he uses it, but emotionally, it makes me upset that the man I live with, the man I love and have been with for three years, can objectify women. It hurts me and makes knots in my stomach when we talk about it. We try to talk about it together. We haven't come to any solutions. I've tried viewing feminist porn, but it wasn't for me. I thought if I could find porn for both of us to enjoy, maybe I can understand his alone time. But the whole culture makes me uncomfortable. It has helped me listening to some of the interviews with porn stars on your show that seem to enjoy the work, but I'm still upset about it. I don't know what to do to accept the habit. It isn't fair for me to ask him to. To stop. How do I get used to it though? Thanks so much for your help and all your hard work. Sex with Emily. I'm a longtime lister and active recruiter trying to get all my friends listen to your podcast. Desperate for a healthier sex life. Megan. Well, Megan. Okay, well, thank you so much for being a longtime listener and I love hearing from you and I really want to help you here. So here's the thing about. Well, first let's talk about your abuse and that you're a survivor of rape. And I'm just wondering if you've had any help. Have you sought therapy? Have you, have you worked through that? Because if it's something that you haven't worked through yet, it's going to keep coming up in your life in different ways. If he wasn't watching porn, it'll just, it'll show up unless you. You deal with it. So you seem very evolved and I don't know how old you are, but I hope that's something that you've worked with because I could see if he stops watching porn altogether. It's going to surface in another area. So that's one thing. But I got to tell you that you're not alone. That many women do be alone, feel threatened by their guys watching porn. They, you know, feel like they're not as sexy as the porn star. And they feel like, you know why they don't get it? Because they're like, well, I'm the best sex of his life. Why does he still need to masturbate? But the thing about men and porn, that it's. It's not about what he's not getting at home. It's about variety. It's about novelty. Start turning him on. A lot of men just enjoy the sexual release that porn can deliver. But what you're saying here, though, that you still feel like it's the objectification of women, which I understand because you are. So you were objectified and you were abused. So I don't even know if I could talk till I'm blue in the face here about all the reasons why men masturbate to porn. And it has nothing to do with your relationship. It's just men's brains are hardwired for being turned on. It's about, like the propagation of the species. It's about, you know, online porn being so readily available right now, and there's all these opportunities and if you can somehow become less threatened by porn and realize that, like, it's not your replacement and he's still really hot for you, not ashamed, then you'd be more easily talk about your sex life. But I just feel like going back to your. Your abuse and your past, it just might be hard for you to accept until you work on yourself and I don't know, in porn addiction, doesn't sound like he's a porn addict because that's a whole nother thing. You probably see Anna in your. I know you're in.

Yeah, no, that's definitely. But there are. You know, usually the porn addicts are not having sex with their girlfriends, doing mutual masturbation because they can't get off.

Exactly. That's when it keeps getting to be a problem, is when you. When it takes over your life and you are powerless over it. Right. But more often, I believe if you guys really talk about it, maybe you take it away from the porn and you. I don't know if you've shared your abuse with him. I'm assuming that you have and you said you tried female friendly foreign porn. I would check out Good Vibes after dark. You know, goodvibes.com I always talk about that, but they have this after dark, and you can just buy it by the minute. And they really do. It's not just feminist porn, but it's like female friendly porn, couple porn. I mean, there might be stuff in there for you, but again, I think this, like, no porn is going to work for you. And if you really love this guy, he's your boyfriend. Is it your husband?

He's your boyfriend?

Boyfriend. I feel that even if you leave him for this, most guys watch porn. And I went through this in my 20s. I was dating a guy. Not the guy that you tried to steal from me, Anna, but this other guy. And it was the first time I had a guy who was watching porn. And at first I did, I was like, this is the best text of my life. I was like 25, but he watched porn. And I really felt threatened. I really felt like I was shocked because I didn't know. And I feel like there's a lot of women in these shoes who just don't get it. How do you feel about men watching porn?

I don't have a thing about it. And I also don't think it's really anyone's business in a way. Like, my advice would be, you know, in any relationship, there are things that we keep private. Not everything is up for discussion. And I think that's his business.

Right. Can he do it without telling? I mean, and you know that he's doing it, but what if he promises to do it when you're not around or you don't walk in on it? I mean, I don't. I don't think you can get him to stop without him, like, hiding it from you. And then that's where you're gonna find it. You don't want to be that woman. You don't want to be that chick that's getting him to stop it. And if. If you do work through your issues and there is a way that you can somehow learn to enjoy it with him. Maybe you just watch romantic films together, but the thing about that, watching porn together, that can be helpful. Technically, you're not supposed to learn anything from porn. Guys should not be watching it, learning how to do things. It's visually set up, so it's appealing. But a lot of times it leads to other things. When couples can watch together, they can think, well, that turns me on. That doesn't. And I'm wondering if you could change the way you think about it. You said you've listened to some of the shows I've done with porn stars who actually are doing it with. They're not doing against their will. And if there's a way that you could turn it around as, like, an entertainment and as a way to really spice up your sex life together, there's things that you could learn or there could be, you know, porn. Porn, you know, moves. Certain moves. You go shopping to a sex toy shop. Have you ever tried toys? Are there other things that you could do together that could make it interesting for you and just kind of let, like, it's almost like he's not gonna change. So you have to change your expectations of him. Just know that he's gonna be watching porn, and if you break up with him, the next guy you're with is probably gonna watch porn. Not every guy watches porn, but it's more common than not, especially now, because it's available everywhere. But again, if you didn't say the thing about your past and your abuse, I would. I would say you. You just. Is there a way to find really something you like? But I don't think that you're gonna get through the. Until you work on being a rape survivor, and that's through therapy and working on it. But I don't think you're gonna get him to stop watching porn, and I don't think you want to.

Do you like porn, Emily?

You know I do. I don't mind it. I like it. I think it's fun to watch with partners sometimes.

And have you never watched it by yourself?

Oh, I have watched it by myself, too. Do you watch it by yourself?

Yeah.

Where do you go?

Like, only if, like, I was going through this thing where I was like, my relationship with the magic wand was getting to be unhealthy, and I was like, to wean myself, and off of that, I just used porn. I'm like, an oral sex that's, like. What I want to watch is a man going down on a wall.

Yes. It's hot, right? Isn't oral sex your favorite thing? How about when a guy goes out on you? Is that your. Do you love it?

I do. Well, they're doing it right.

It's hard to find a guy to do it right.

Yeah.

Do you have any tips for oral sex? The best sex, oral sex you've had. What was the guy doing?

I wish I knew. I think with that one guy, he's just got special lips and a special tongue. But I think soft over hard. Feel out the woman. See what she responds to. You know, when a guy sort of says, like, women always tell me how great I am, at oral sex, it's like, oh. Because that's a guy who thinks there's a formula for every woman. And it's very, very individual.

Every woman is different. But it is true that the rule of thumb is always go softer.

Always go softer. Yeah.

Yeah. But guys don't know that.

And then. And then I think a little finger, you know, tongue combo is pretty good.

Yeah. Little G spot action. Yeah.

Or it doesn't even have to be G spot.

Just put your fingers in. But not every woman likes it, but many do. I was talking to this about my guy friend last night because I talk about oral socks all the time. I'm sort of obsessed with it. And he's like, most women do, like, a little finger inside, but not all.

That's interesting.

Yeah. Not at the beginning, though. No.

And here's another thing I had a guy do recently that. And I always talk about this, but guys never do it. I just wish that guys would listen. Listen to my show and then ask me out because I do give all these oral sax tips. But it's like, don't go right for the clitoris, but spend the time, like, with her lip, like her labia on her lips, her inner lips, outer lips. And don't go right for clitoris. Her inner thighs.

Inner thighs. Yeah.

That's. Just rub her inner thighs and she's putty. Like, make her. She is begging for it. So you're not going right in for that. I'm glad you know where the clitoris is. But don't go right for it.

Yeah. I do find that men that are great kissers are often great at that.

Yeah. And if you. If you. I agree. And if you. If you're a little uptight about oral sex, you're not sure. Just make out with her vagina. It's kind of like that.

Yeah.

In that soft way with your tongue and nib a little if you want to. But I do think that it's kind of like making out. But take, take, take it. You know, pay attention to her, though.

The best making out tip I can give, by the way, I'm putty. When a guy put. Just all you have to do is take your hand as you kiss her. Just tilt her head. Keep your hand on her face.

Yes, I.

Every woman loves it. So few men do it.

I know they do it, like maybe once at the beginning, if that. I love when a guy holds my face and my neck is such an erogenous zone. Like, for most women, like, rub my neck and put your hands on my Face.

Yeah, I agree. It's not good for, you know, skincare, but it's so great. It's both, like, sexy and sweet at the same time.

I agree. That is a great tip. I love it. Well, Anna, we only have a few more minutes here, so is there anything else that we. We can find you at Afterparty Pod?

Find me at Afterparty Pod. See the site at Afterpartychat. Annadavid.com has some stuff.

I have this. All your books, all your things. All the books.

I have this branding class that you.

Oh, you're teaching a branding class? Yeah.

Well, it's 25 videos. They're between like five and seven minutes.

Perfect.

I know. And it's on everything from, you know, starting a podcast, writing a book, speaking at colleges, writing for magazines. Yeah.

And people sign up for it, you.

Buy it, and then you can watch the videos whenever the hell you want.

Oh, my God, that's really cool. Annadava.com and then on Twitter, Annabee.

Exactly.

We like to tweet each other.

Yeah.

And you should check her out. And everyone check out our podcast and review it and review mine as well. And thank you, Anderson, for being here with me tonight.

Thanks for having me. Per you jam.

I love you.

I love you. Hey, Larry. Larry David, your grandfather.

Grandfather. He's my uncle. No, I do have a Larry David who is like a used car salesman.

Who'S in my family, but it's not the Larry David. No.

I tried to tell Larry David how funny it was that we both had the same last name and he didn't think it was that funny.

No, he's like.

He looked at me like I was insane.

Did he give you that look or where he looked down your nose and went, all right. Okay.

Not even quite that nice.

You tell me. You start with Matt Damon. Okay, we are going to your. Anderson, anything else happening in your podcast this week?

No, no, it's good. Good episode, though. Very good show.

Which one?

All of them. Film Vault After Disaster.

Okay, that's all I'm trying to say.

Come see us.

Okay, everyone, thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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Yes, flashlight.

You know what your intern's doing? Your intern, what's her name?

Which one?

The one that has the flashlight.

Madison.

Madison, yeah. You know what she's doing? Sometimes she goes to bed before her boyfriend. She doesn't feel well, she has a headache. She's tired of him coming in and sticking her in the back with his wing. So she's been putting his Fleshlight on his pillow. I know when she goes to bed.

And she's so happy and he's so happy, and now she wants.

He comes in and he sees his.

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