What's Your (Sex) Type?

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about different sexual personality types and where people seem to be going for sexual health information but probably shouldn't be. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, are you a giver, a decompressor, or an explorer when it comes to sex? I've got a list of sexual personality types. So you've been dating your best friend's soon to be ex husband and you're not sure how to tell her. Yikes. You're an older woman dating a younger man and he wants some guidance on oral. Are you willing to teach him? And you're heterosexual, but you've been having dreams about sex with men. Do you tell your girlfriend all this and more? Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

About shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sex with emily.com and you can find us on all social media. It is exwithemily across the board. Okay. And for the new year, Intentions with Emily. So each show, let's start off by setting an intention. I'm doing it. I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is, right now, when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of listening to this episode. Like, how can this help you? You might be thinking, I love personality tests. I want to know my sexual one. Or it could be, I really don't know how to give myself pleasure during sex, and I'd love to have some guidance. My intention for the show is I want to give you guys insight into describing how you experience sexual pleasure, what it brings out of you, and how you can use that as a jumping off point to figure out what you actually need in the bedroom. The following sex personality types were developed by Vanessa Marin, licensed psychotherapist and writer specializing in sex therapy. All right, guys, enjoy the show. We got some sex in the news to get into. It's been quite a week. Let's talk about this Reddit thing. People are turning to Reddit to figure out if they have an sti. So apparently thousands of people are going to Reddit to get a crowd diagnosis. It's a subreddit called rstd and it found that 58% of posts were explicitly requesting a crowd diagnosis and 31% included picture of the symptoms. Which just sounds like. I mean, I don't want to be just randomly sitting there and then people are posting pictures of their whatevers, their warts and all.

It's like you have to like, click in the post in the post, and then you have to click on a link to Imgur and then you have to have an Imgur account to view the photo.

Mine. I just, like, clicked on it and the photo came up.

Oh, really?

In my app? Yeah.

Oh, maybe because. Oh, you know why? Because I wasn't doing it on the app. I was doing it.

Yeah.

And I wasn't signed in. Yeah, the app.

Mine just like, I click on The I click on this as photo and I'm like, oh, okay. And then I click on the. I click on the post and then it's like, like picture in post.

There it is.

Now there's one with lips. Chlamydia, warts on lips. See? No, thank you.

Just clicked it. Oh, I'm glad. I can't see that far in this moment. But, like, the thing is, people were told. What I like is people are set told, like, get it. Get a second opinion by a doctor, but it's not stopping people from going there. And like, the only this is okay. The downside is a misdiagnosis super detrimental to the person asking. And then their sexual partners after, if they choose not to get medical treatment, they're like, oh, I've got this problem. And they found it by a bunch of people on Reddit. What I do like is it opens a conversation and lessens the stigma around sex and sti since it's such a popular thread. I mean, there's thousands of people on there who have done this over time. But I feel like the reason people are doing this because they don't want to go to their doctors because they're really embarrassed to talk to their doctors about sex. So, like, I'll just go on Reddit, which I don't recommend. No, no, it's like you're a hypochondriac and you're reading like WebMD.

Oh, yeah, that's me, right?

You get niche.

I totally would be like, wait, do I have something down there? Like right now I'll probably look. And I only had sex with Nick.

Right.

And I know, you know, we're. We're both clean and I just had an std.

But still you start to itch though, right?

And now I'm like, now I'm itchy. Oh, my God, should I get tested again? Wait, I know I'm okay, but oh my gosh, I have a wart down there too. Do I? Maybe I should go to this and ask everyone. And then I am the problem a lot of times.

Right, exactly. Right, exactly. She's like, did you see me on the Reddit?

Yeah, on the Reddit.

On the Reddit. I just love when you do that. I love it.

She's on the Reddit. But the good news is, like, there an std. STI is not a. Is not a death sentence. We did a great podcast from Shannon Tours from same day STD testing, which is, you know, she, she really talks about it in a way that I think is. Makes a Lot of sense, you know that. It's how to talk to your partner if you have something going on, and how to get tested if you have not gotten tested. You can do it in the same day. Same day STD test, which is cool.

I will say, though, on Reddit that there is a subreddit for people that have STDs but are trying to date people. So it's like a support.

Oh, that's cool.

So it's like a separate subreddit.

Do you think they use these pictures to, like, swipe, like, swipe through my. I'm thinking about, like, a dating app for people at CDs. They're like, here's my warts. What do yours look like? I don't know.

It's like the opposite of a dick pic.

Get to match.

Match your std.

Oh, my.

I wasn't expecting your lips with words on God.

I know.

Hilarious.

Amazingly hilarious.

I'm just picturing an app because I think there is an app or a dating site for people with STDs. If you're gonna be vulnerable. Here it is in all the flesh.

Well, it's smart because it's like some people might only feel comfortable dating someone. Mostly if you have herpes. Whichever. Hvsv1 or HSV2. I could see why that would work. Cause then you wouldn't have to worry about passing it off to your partner. And then they understand and you don't have to go through that awkwardness.

Yeah, no, it makes sense. You guys, listen. There's a lot of sites for everyone to say. The ones with the. Is it the farmers? Which is the most popular dating site?

Farmers only.

Farmers only. Because farmers are having the most sex. Yeah, farmers are. Have. They did a study. This was like, came out a couple months ago, but they did a study on occupations, and farmers have more sex than any other occupation. And they have more stamina because, I mean, they're doing chore and chore and all day.

Well, you know what's interesting? That ad used to run all the time when I lived in Fresno, and it was like, meat farm. Farmers only meat. Or something like that. And I was like, who's using that?

Because they also. They all live, like, 17 miles away from civilization. Yes, they do.

I know. I remember people in Sanger. People in all over. All over that Central Valley.

Like, what else you got to do? I mean, I feel like there's not a lot to distract. Yeah.

And I mean, all the houses, if you're on a farm, are miles apart from each other.

Have Some nice sex. This is why I like techniques.

Loud sex.

Loud sex.

Okay, let's. Yeah, loud. I love loud sex.

Oh, me too.

I don't want roommates or.

I know.

I don't want to live in a.

Townhouse anymore so I can have really loud sex.

Oh, yeah. See, that's what I can do.

I don't want to do that so bad.

I know.

It's true. Okay, you guys, so here's something that's interesting. Apparently there's 11 sex personality types according to a sex expert. We were reading through these and I think it's interesting. Can you spot yourself? There is the decompressor. So this is someone who uses sex as a stress reliever to blow off steam. Now I wonder if they're just saying, like, this is how they actually have sexual, like intercourse or just masturbation. Because I know for a lot of us, just like, having an orgasm can relieve a lot of stress. I like the explorer. This person's always trying to find new paths to pleasure. So they're always looking around like, what can I do? That's what can I do? That's going to be interesting and new and novel, which I think that a lot of us. I mean, it's. Again, it's. I love this just because it's like, find yourself in these 11 different types and you might be one or two or three of them, which I feel like I've been at all these different times in my life. Not all of them, but many of them. So the explorer. You want to try new things between the sheets, have fun, not take it too seriously. You're curious sexually, you're willing to learn. You crave novelty. You are exploring. Then there's the Fair Trader. And feel free to speak up here in the room. Fair Trader. Generosity and a healthy give and take in the bedroom are crucial for the Fair Trader. You expect your partner to meet your needs with enthusiasm, and you'll gladly do the same as long as they meet your needs. Needs. You want to know that your partner enjoys giving as much as you enjoy receiving and vice versa. It can throw you off in the sense that if your partner isn't into it as much as you are. So if your partner feels disconnected during sex, you get caught in your head and you're unable to enjoy the experience.

Yeah, that's. That's pretty accurate for me, myself.

But see, what about. I thought you just like receiving if you could.

If I could. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, I could, but I do get. I get a Lot of pleasure from giving pleasure.

Right.

Like. Like when I give head, like, I get so turned on.

It's like. You're a sex addict. Just kidding.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm starting to think about it. No, she's not. But I'm also the decompressor.

Yeah. Just to release stress. I feel like you are too.

That's how I like. Cause like, my only time that I'm truly fully in my body and working through anything is when I'm having sex.

Wow. Yeah.

It's the only time.

That's why I think exercise would be good for you too.

I know, but I just have to like, have like a fan hat. Oh, my God. I get exercise induced migraines.

Yeah.

So I go to a gym that has the actual, like, fans on the machines.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Fitness.

Yeah. I just need to change my gym.

Yeah.

Not that I've gone in a while.

Yeah.

But not all of them have that either. But that's the only ones I'll go to is the ones that have the fans, like right there. Because I.

Same. Yeah, it sucks. I used to love hiking all the time, and now it's like when it's hot out, like, I can't go hiking because I'll get like.

You can have sex at any point though, is what you're saying. That doesn't give you a headache.

Yeah. And I get. It's pretty vigorous, I would say.

I feel like it would be, you know, Jamie. That's true. Okay, guys, call us with your sex. Do you see yourself in here? 8, 8, 8, 9, 4, 7, 8, 2, 7, 7. So then this is the giver in your eyes. Sex is like a gift and you just want to share it with your partner. And your partner's sexual experience, their orgasm, their pleasure is just as important as your own and maybe even more so. You're very in tune with your partner's experience. It makes you feel good to know your partner can feel good and you are a giver. That also, I mean, if you're a giver, this is. This is the rub here. You have a really hard time receiving when it's your turn. I think I feel like a lot of women are like this. Probably they just want to give and they have a hard time receiving in every aspect of their life and maybe sex.

True.

Yeah. So you may feel uncomfortable being the focus of attention or just receiving it without reciprocating. I feel like that when I was younger, I might have been more of a giver because I didn't understand. I believe that men didn't really want to please me. I didn't. I didn't know. And I thought, well, they're not going to think I'm a good lover unless I'm giving to them. So I have to give a blowjob. I have to make sure he has an orgasm. I was so overly concerned, like my orgasm didn't matter. But your pleasure matters.

Yes.

And so I feel like I see that in a lot of more so women than men because we're raised to be nurturing caretakers and our orgasms are much less frequent during intercourse.

Yeah.

And since intercourse typically is the main event in most heterosexual lives that, yeah. I think a lot of women can see themselves as givers.

Young Party Christina did the same thing.

Yeah. Right. Young.

I. I always would give them head. It'd be in the backseat of a car and then I'd be like, all right, let you can come on my ass. And I'd just be like, yeah, let's do this. And then I. I wouldn't orgasm. Yeah, like, whatever.

Right. Didn't matter.

Drunk.

So it's true.

I probably don't remember if I did or not.

Right. Exactly. But it wasn't the focus. Yeah. God, I faked it so many times. I was such a good faker.

Me too. Ye. They're like, oh man, you came so many times. I was like, yeah. I was like totally faking that.

I know.

I could.

I could multiple orgasm fake.

You were a multiple orgasm faker. Yeah.

Yeah.

So I wasn't even tightened it more. I was just like Kegeling and tightening all around their penis. And I was like, ah, yeah. That's not how it sounded really.

But, you know, I'm sure you're better.

I know.

It's so easy to fool them.

It is. Well, they're always like, every woman's orgasmed with me. Every woman had an orgasm with you. Let's talk about it.

I've got the magic penis.

It doesn't work. Jamie does have a magic. Do you feel more powerful with that penis in your hand?

I kind of do.

You look good. Not a real penis.

Flaccid penis.

It's just like Jamie's never held a flaccid penis. They probably get very excited with Jamie's hands. Okay, then there's the guardian.

It's a very small hand.

I don't know, just your hands do.

Look larger in my hands.

There you go. Oh, God. You know how many men now they'll be like, I only want Jamie's hands. Okay, we've got. That's the giver, then we've got the guardian. And this means that you want to feel safe with your sexual partner. That's the most important thing to you. Maybe you had trauma in your sexual past. You had sexual trauma, and you feel that that foundation of security with your partner and with yourself is the most important thing. Boundaries are important to you. And enthusiast. Enthusiastic consent. Again, I think this is common for many people. I especially hear this from women, that when they feel safe with a partner and they can trust them, they're more likely to have the most pleasure. Then there's the passion pursuer. For you. The sex isn't good unless it's intense and it's all consuming, maybe even animalistic. You're very in tune with the energy between you and your partner during sex. You love the idea of letting go and losing yourself in the moment. And the best sex is when time seems to stand still. The passion pursuer. I think I'm a little bit of a passion pursuer. Or am I a pleasure seeker? That's next. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back. We're gonna get into your calls.

Okay. Let's talk to Michelle. She's 42, in New York. Hi, Michelle. Thanks for calling. I'm good. What is going on? Hi. Tell me. Hi.

Well, I am. I am recently divorced in the past two years. And over those two years, I've developed a really strong group of girlfriends, and we're all actually divorced now. And I started dating one of my very close friends, recent ex husband.

Okay.

And he's amazing. And I think, you know, in these kinds of things, you would hope that a partner brings out your best. Right?

Right.

You got divorced because maybe they didn't.

Right.

But I think it's kind of a thing. And I don't. We don't know what to do.

How long has it been?

Well, kind of since July, but in September, we took a little bit of a break because it was getting a little too intense for me. And I'm used to being very independent, and I just wasn't ready for all of that.

Okay.

And kind of started it back up again, and it's much stronger now than it was.

And how long have you been friends with this woman? So you. Is your question like, what do I do? Do I tell the friend? Is that your. Is that what you're asking? Because your best friend's.

Yeah, he wants to tell her.

Okay.

And I'm not ready to do that because I'm worried that, you know, it could obviously jeopardize our friendship and I need her like in my life at the same time. So it's.

Wow.

How long have you. How long have you.

You don't know how to handle it.

Yeah, this is a tough one. How long have you been friends with the. The friend, the girlfriend?

A couple of years.

Couple years. And you met the ex through her?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, and does she. What kind of place is she in. In her life right now? Is she dating someone else?

No, she's not. And their relationship as exes is not fantastic. So I hear both sides and it's really hard to stay.

Well, this is. Yeah, this is a trick. This is tricky, Michelle. I mean, listen, I think if you tell her, you will lose her as a friend. I don't. At least for now, you know, who knows? Life is long. You end up with this guy and they have kids together or something like, you know, you're the new stepmom, she'll come around. But I think, I mean, they, they got divorced, what, a few years ago. How long ago?

They're still working through it.

Oh, so it's very recent. They're not even really divorced yet.

Yeah.

Okay, Michelle, so you guys have been friends for a few years. You met the husband, the ex, six months ago, you've been dating him. They're not even through the divorce yet. This isn't. This is. Yeah. Okay, so. Are you sure? Listen, let me just say some things I've heard in here. First of all, you said you broke it off because it was too intense. And then he. For a month you stopped and then you came back and it was even better. Right, but that's like. That's happens with everything. Like you stop eating chocolate for a month and then you have a Hershey bar. It's the best one I ever had. So I'm just saying that you have this built in intensity now that you took a break and, and it's only been a few months and you don't really know this guy yet. I know. It feels like everything. I'm just telling you that you don't have all the information about this guy either. And I mean the fact that now you know things on both sides, like, she's just gonna feel a huge violation. Huge. Like, how could I trust you? Now you're hearing both things and even if you don't share what they both say, you know, So I think you really gotta. Gotta think about this. I mean, you're gonna lose her as a friend. She knows your friends.

She does know.

Yeah, well, right, but she doesn't. She doesn't know you're sleeping together. I mean, would you. You'd have to just. You'd have to be willing to break it off if you want to keep your friendship. That's just the story. I mean, unless she's, you know, I don't know what different kind of friend that'd be like, I'm just happy you found love with my ex asshole husband. I don't. I can't imagine that.

So you're gonna laugh, like, just randomly. She said the other night that she had heard from her daughter that her dad had a crush on me.

Oh.

And she said to me, she's like. She's like, I heard the funniest thing. So and so. Said that, you know, he has a crush on you. She's like, and if he does, you can have him. She's like, I'll pay you well.

Well, that's interesting. Okay, so, yeah, I think that she. I think she might know. I think that's a sneaky way of saying, like, I heard something.

Maybe.

I mean, the discussion went a little bit more off the rails than that.

What do you mean?

My daughter. My daughter chimed in. She's like, yeah, he was at the house a couple weeks ago.

He was what? She said he was.

Yeah, he was. My daughter. I don't want to give names, but my daughter had said, yeah, he was at the house a couple weeks ago.

Okay, so there you go. She knows. She's trying to get it. She's trying to get it. That's her way of doing it. She's trying to see if you're going to come clean. So I think she already knows. It's probably a small town. Everyone knows, everybody, she probably knows. So I would. I would just have an honest conversation with her, let her know what's going on. You got to do it. Everyone knows.

Do you think that makes it in a better place knowing that?

Well, you know, this is so tricky, Michelle. No, I think that you have to let her know. Either you're going to go to her and say, you might know this already, but I've been seeing your ex husband and I think it's amazing. And I'm really confused right now because I love our friendship and I care so much about you, but I really think this is something. So, you know, she might have given. Given you an out by saying, hey, I heard he has a crush on you. And she might have been saying, damn it, tell me. Like, tell me. I Don't know your friend. It just seems kind of like. But either way, I'm telling you, if you hear. Listen. I hear my ex is a cr. I'm going on the Instagram. I'm doing research. I'm detective. We figure out she knows. She might know. She has a hunch. So I think what you say to her is what you want. Maybe you could sit on this for a little, you know, a day or something. But I think you've really got to think about it, because do you pick him or do you pick her? Just. You're just. You just be honest, but you have to say what you want.

Can I wait a little longer? Can I wait a little longer to see where this goes before I, like, drop the bomb and, like, make all this drama where it might not be everyone's.

I think that everyone will find. I think that they'll find out. I think you have to tell her. I really think that's just the right thing to do. She's your best friend. To be honest, now that I'm like, she's your. You said best friend, not acquaintance. Not. Our kids are friends at school. You know, not. I knew her once in third grade. Like your best friend's ex husband. It's just not. I don't think it's cool. And if you were my best friend and you started and you didn't tell me for six months, like, I would be really pissed off. And I'm not sure he's the one. He may or may not be, but it's your best friend's ex, so. I mean, I think love is love and think people go through these things all the time. And so you gotta just figure it out. Michelle, just. I would think long and hard about it. Okay. Do some journaling. That always helps me. Call me back if you want to talk about it, though. I'm here every night. Okay. Michelle, I got you. Hang in there. That's a tough one. I'm, like, reading, looking at, going best friend. I mean, I. I feel like people know people. She probably does know by saying that.

Yeah. Intuition is, like, strong. And I would do this. Honestly. I don't like testing people. I would do the same thing. I would be like. I'd be like, oh, I heard this thing.

Yeah, I think we. I think we've all done things like that. So. You guys, I'm not. I'm not the judge. I'm not the, like, moral police here in certain ways. Like, I'm not gonna be like, you should totally do this, or you shouldn't I don't know what's right for Michelle. Like, maybe he is the one. They're, you know, supposed to be together and they found each other. But you gotta think about your best friend. Like, I. My best friends are like, I couldn't, you know, I wouldn't do it.

Yeah. Like, how did it even start, Right?

Let's Talk. Oh, Stephanie. LA51 wants to comment on Michelle's call. Hey, Stephanie.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. I'm good. So tell me what you think about this Michelle.

Well, I might have missed a couple of details while I was dialing in, but I think I've got it.

Okay.

I'm divorced. I'm divorced too. And I would say I've dated a lot of divorce guys. And especially when they're going through the divorce and fresh from the divorce, they're everything. Super intense, right? You're so excited to find somebody that you connect to with. Sex is great. It's exciting because it's kind of forbidden. It's in this case. And I don't know if it's gonna last. Now, if her friend, best friend, is at all wise to this, which it sounds like she is, I think she needs to come clean right away. Or risk the entire friendship. And not just her friendship. But if there's a group of girls.

Exactly.

Michelle's gonna.

Look, she's gonna lose all those friends. You're right. I mean, it's like girl code. Yeah. No, Stephanie, I think you're totally right. No, that's a good. That's a good thing. I think this is helpful. You know what I mean? It's her best friend. Could lose the friends. People talk about it, you know, My friendships are golden. They like, they're my.

Yeah, exactly. And if the guy is really the guy, right? Then he'll be the guy in a couple years.

Yeah, exactly.

When everything is settled down.

I feel it. I feel you, Stephanie. Thank you so much. Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Yeah. You guys, my girlfriends, like, I would not rib my friends or they're like my family. I'm not gonna fuck with those relationships. Okay. Let's talk to John, 33, in South Carolina. Hey, John. Tell me everything.

Hey, how's it going?

I'm good. What's going on?

Good. Well, you know, I am a 33 year old male from South Carolina, as you mentioned. I am what I would call a heterosexual male. And I have had. I have been with the same sex partners. I'm currently dating a serious girlfriend.

You know, it's been a few years Since I have had same sex encounters, but as of late, I've been kind of thinking about some of those encounters and I actually had a dream the other day just. Well, it's just, you know, as. Like sometimes when I go to sleep, I think about those encounters. And then as well, I had a dream the other day where it was my serious girlfriend and she happened to have a penis. I guess.

Okay.

And in that dream, you know, I. We were in a. In a car, but I. I let her in, let that penis enter my mouth in the dream, and then woke up next to her. But, you know, I'm just really confused, trying to figure out kind of. Yeah, you know, what's, what's the, what's, what's going on? What's the kind of best way to deal with what I'm experiencing?

Well, I mean, John, thank you so much for your honesty here, for calling in about this. Because I gotta say, John, there's really not a problem here. You just had a dream about, you know, a penis with your girlfriend, and there's no problems unless you've been feeling that lately you've kind of been wanting to be with men again.

Yeah.

Okay, so that, that's what it sounds like to me. So maybe that is a sign. And you said you're thinking about it when you're, you know, before you go to bed at night. And so really it's about. Is it the kind of thing that you're thinking you would like to, you know, we like to explore it. Do you feel like it's something that you want to talk to your girlfriend about?

We've had conversations and I've discussed it with her and, you know, she's kind of aware. And of course, it's one of those things where we just don't really talk. Talk about too much.

Right.

But it's, it's, it's. It's been discussed. And I guess what I'm having troubles with is, you know, I am. I'm wavering or trying to figure out, like, just how, you know, how I want to progress or regress, I guess, is maybe the best thing, because I.

Think you're just getting more in touch with. Yeah, no, I don't even think it's a regression. I think that we all ebb and flow with our sexual desires or sexuality. It's a spectrum, as Kinsey said. So, you know, I. You don't have to, like, put any labels on it, but that was a part of your life. And now you're. You love this woman, you're with. You're really committed to her, but you still have other sexual desires. Right? Which is totally healthy. So I feel like it might not be so black and white if you could maybe go back to your girlfriend and talk to her and let her know that, you know, I've been having some of these, you know, fantasies again. And. And, you know, how would it look to you, John, when you think about it? Do you think that you would like. Would you like her to be there? Would you like to have a threesome with another man? Would you rather just have a date with a man and come back to her? What? Do you have sex with a man in your perfect John scenario?

Yeah, in my perfect John scenario, it would be where I don't think I could do it where she was there. You know, I just. I feel like that would take away from our kind of experiences and encounters that we have. And yes, I do. I love her very much. But, you know, I. There's. There's times where I think back to those.

Right.

Back to those days, I guess.

Yeah.

And it's. It's.

It's very common because you think about it before you go to bed. So that's also going to be the thing. But I do think this is like a primary sexual urge for you. Like, so, John, I'm thinking about this, and it's like, I just. First I just want to say I'm so glad you called in because it's got to be so confusing. And, you know, how long have you been with your girlfriend?

Three years.

Okay, I'm just gonna recap real quick, though, that you've been with her for three years in the past you've been with men, and now you're thinking, God, it's coming up more and more before you go to bed. You're thinking about it, and then you had a dream about, like, you know, being her with the penis. And you're like, what's going on? What does this mean? And so, John, I just want to say that just means that, like, a part of you, your sexuality that has felt good to you in the past has been maybe a little repressed by you. Maybe you're just like, I'm really with a woman, and if I'm with a woman, then I can't be with a man. And then that's confusing. But the good news is it's 2019, and I think that there's a lot more acceptance around this and a lot more. At least I'm here for you, to tell you that it's okay. To want both and that really, it would be a matter of having a really just like, healthy conversation with your girlfriend and just saying it's, you know, I love you. This has been coming up for me lately, and perhaps you guys could even do some, like, I don't know if you'd be ready for this, but do some role playing around it. I don't know if you're interested in her wearing a strap on. I'm not sure what your pleasure is, what your fantasy is.

Yeah, no, I. We've done that. And I would say that that is, you know, more what I kind of found is my role when I did. When I did do those experiences.

Okay.

And I think maybe that's why it's so confusing, right? Just because, you know, I don't. I. In this role, I'm more of the dominant and instead of being in that more submissive role, I guess. And so just. Yeah, it's super confusing, you know, And I think I definitely. I definitely at time think I prefer that. That. That kind of role.

You'd prefer the role of being dominant or the role of being submissive? No, submissive. Got it. Okay. So. So maybe just be more savvy. You don't talk to her and say, you know what I've realized those times when I'm more submissive, it really turns me on. I love being submissive. So I just feel like maybe we could kind of work that in more to our sex life. And maybe, John, maybe you'll find that just that will be what you need. You don't need to be with a man, but that feeling of being submissive is what you want. You know, there's feelings that we have, want to have around sex often, and we don't identify with them. We're just like, oh, I want this after that. But maybe you just want that feeling of letting go and being submissive. So that might be it.

Yeah, well, we've done that. And it's. It's. I think you're. You're close, and that's, I guess, why it's so confusing because we. Luckily, I have a very open, you know, relationship, at least with understanding with her and where she understands that. But, you know, at this point in time, it's. We've done those things, yet I'm still having those. Okay, well, fantasies or dreams or thoughts.

Yeah. Then it sounds, you know, it's. Well, it sounds to me like then it's time to have a conversation with her. It sounds like she's a loving, accepting girlfriend and maybe listen I think that we've generic view of what relationships are. We think it's monogamy or it's over. But I'm telling you, there's a lot of relationships that are really healthy where you get to explore in like a non monogamous arrangement where maybe you are able to have sex with men outside the relationship, but she's still okay being your girlfriend. Maybe there's things that she wants. Maybe she's got some ideas about how she could enhance her pleasure. So maybe you guys could have just like a really healthy conversation around it that doesn't get solved with one conversation, John. It's ongoing, but I feel like I don't. The answer isn't there yet. But I think with more healthy communication and talking to her about it, you will get there because you deserve to have your needs met. We all do. Okay, John, that.

How do you recommend about having that conversation if we've kind of dabbled around it? How do you. What's the best way to, you know, tell her that that's what I feel like is needed or wanted?

And I think just explaining to her that, that it's a, it's a fantasy that you have to be. And you don't want her in the room though you said so I think you have to. Okay, so John, I think what you have to do is just say I've been thinking a lot about our sex life and our relationship and you lead with all the things that are really things that you mean. Do you want to stay with her? Do you want to be with her? John, Is this the woman that you want to be with? You're certain fear like marry her kids?

Yeah, I mean that's what I. That's the plan.

Well, right, but is that what. Right. Okay, so you're. And you're also. Yeah. How old is John? 33. You're young still, John, so I feel like you don't have to decide that. I'm just trying to understand where you're at on this whole thing. But I feel like it's really saying this is really hard for me. Babe, I love you. I love our relationship. I know we haven't talked about this much, but for me, having a healthy sex life and having an open communication with you is so important, I think for both of our pleasure. And I've been thinking lately more about men and I don't. I love you and I want to be with you. And I'm trying to figure out if there's a way that perhaps I could experiment and I'd love to know more about what you want and then just see where it goes from there. Explain to her what that might look like. Or maybe you just open up. The first conversation is. I think that's the conversation, John. You got to do it. You got to be honest with. And hopefully you're with somebody.

And, you know, we, we've, we've, we. We've kind of had it. And it's, it's threatening to her.

Okay? So if she's threatened by it, that makes sense to me. And so maybe for a lot of people, listen, when. When something comes up that's uncomfortable, our first reaction is to be threatened, is to doubt it, is to say no. But if she might need some more information around it, like, what would that look like? It doesn't mean that you don't love her and you don't want to be with her. It would be once a month or it would be once a week. You know, I don't know what it looks like for you, but for her to understand that for you, it's not a lu. You don't want to marry a man. You just want to have sexual experiences with the man and then perhaps explore with other things that she's interested in. But, John, it's just gonna start. I'm not. Can't tell you that it's gonna be easy, but you're allowed to be vulnerable and real and tell her that, you know, it's not easy, but this is what you got. You know what you wanna say. Just like you called into the show, which is so brave and awesome, John, and I'm here for you every night. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much for your call, John. I appreciate it so much. Could talk to Anna, 48, in New Mexico? Hey, Anna, thanks for calling.

Hi there. Hi. Thanks for taking my call.

Of course. What's going on?

So I am, yes, I'm 48 and I'm dating a guy that's 30, which is kind of different anyway. But we've been having sex for a while now. And this weekend he asked me the question. He said that he wanted me to teach him how to perform oral on me. That he had only done it twice. And the second time that he did it was he had a bad experience and he'd never wanted to do it right again. And so, like, we're getting at that point where, you know, we're more comfortable with each other. And so, yeah, he asked me.

That's amazing. I love that he asked you that. Okay. And you're like, so do you know what to tell him? Have you ever taught anyone? I don't. Okay, so do you know what you like or like during oral sex?

Well, yeah, I kind of like what you guys were talking about. I kind of like, you know, teasing a little bit. I hate when a guy goes, like, straight to the cliff.

Yeah, that's the worst over.

Yeah, it's like, too much, and it's like, teasing is awesome.

But I guess I don't know how to tell him to touch me or how to, like.

Right. You know, this is such a question. Yeah, I mean, Anna, I think that this is a really. Will be such a great experience for both of you to be able to literally show him. You could say, this is the kind of touch I like. You can show it on his body. I like it when you. You could take your hand and rub his inner thigh and say, this is what I love. When you rub my inner thighs like this. And. And you can explain things to him about now, as far as going down, you like. Do you like your labia? Do you lick? Do you like when he kind of. When he waits to get to the clitoris, do you enjoy fingers? Like, where do you want him to start with his tongue? You could even do it to him, you know what I'm saying? Like, when you could use his penis as an example of licking, even though it's not a vulva, but you could just show him and touch him in the way with the same pressure that you like. And then you guys could build from there. And then when he's doing it, and you ask him if he's cool with feedback, and then reinforce the things that you like. Like, that's good. That's good. Maybe a little softer here. And, you know, I love that he asked, so you could just say, I've never taught anyone this before, so let's learn together.

Oh, that's awesome. I feel like I have a good opportunity to kind of. I hate to say this, but train so many people.

No, you're the second woman who told me this. No, you should train. I think you're gonna be doing him the best service ever. I think we need armies of women training men how to go down on them. That would be amazing, because men don't know. So you're doing a good service for yourself and the country.

Really, Anna, you know what? He just came.

Well, what's funny about that is that.

He was deployed to Afghanistan for four months, and he just came back. And I'm teasing my friends. They're like, give me a hard time because I'm dating such a younger guy and I said I'm thanking him for his service, like it's my duty as an American.

Exactly. See what I mean? Yeah, it all comes back around and you're helping other women, the future women that he's with, they'll be like, oh, how'd you know? Oral. Anyway, it all works out. Thanks, Anna. Let me know how it goes. Call me back if you need any more tips. I can help you along. You like the show? Well, if you do, rate us right now, wherever you're listening, give us five stars if that's how you feel. And you can also rate us, review us on itunes. Super helpful. And if there's any more topics you want to hear about on the show or any of your questions, you can always email anything to feedbackexwithemily.com thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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