What’s Your Sexual Fantasy?

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Couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better. More pleasurable sex, more orgasm, stronger connection. But it's awkward, Janet. People don't often do it, but that's. That's just my mission on the planet.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you've got a sex fantasy and you're ready for it to become a reality. That's great. But let me be the first to tell you, this process is part art, part science. The art, that's your erotic self closing your eyes, imagining hot possibilities. Maybe it's taboo scenarios and taking the time to discover what turns you on. But the science, that's where we have to get tactical and think with our heads as well as our loins. On today's Ask Emily show, I take your calls on fantasy and give you practical advice on how to fulfill them. So let's say your partner has been hinting at a cuckold scenario. How do you go about finding a third and how do you manage expectations for all involved? We get into that. What about play parties? How do you ensure a consensual environment, making sure everyone feels safe in the context of an orgy? I've got thoughts for you. And finally, what if you don't have any fantasies? It's common, but you actually want some? Is there a way to get more creative? Yeah, there is. Right this way for some sexy self discovery. All right, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention is to clarify the role of fantasy in your relationships and to figure out your own unique way of cultivating a rich fantasy life. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, the Top Sex Myths yous Need to Stop Believing is up on sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, do it. Call my hotline, 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or just message me sexwithemily.com Ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

We have JR. He's 33, from Arizona.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm fantastic. I'm very starstruck right now.

Oh, hello. It's nice to meet you. Thanks.

Nice to meet you, too. I have been following you for, I like to say, since you were on with Dr. Drew, I think Loveline, possibly.

Oh, yeah, Loveline. Okay. Yeah. That's a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's been a while.

Thank you. How can I help you? What's going on?

What I was asking. So my wife and I have been married for over 10 years now. We've had. We have two little boys. We have a, you know, an eight year old and a four year old and I. We always like to keep things fresh when it comes to our love life in the bedroom or just in general. We are very sexual beings toward each other all the time. We love each other and I love her to death. She's like my. My everything. What I struggle with more than anything is, is that I want to fulfill her fantasies. And I can't find a way for her to tell me what they are. If there is anything. And when I do ask her, she just is. Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. And I am a. I'm a giver. I Like to give. I like to, you know, ask those questions and everything because I want to make sure she's happy. And I know she is, but I just. That's my block that I have is how do I get her to let me know? What else does she want to do? What else does she want to explore? Is there anything else she wants to explore or have we tapped into everything?

Yeah. Well, here's a great thing about sex. I don't think we ever tap into all of it. I think there's always more. However, let me tell you this chair. Some people don't have fantasies. Some women fantasize, some men fantasize, some don't. Totally typical. For those people, I would just suggest you got to go out and find them, which is fun. You can think about some of her past. Like, you could ask her, what are the most memorable times you've had sex? Because in that answer, you'll be able to find out maybe, why was it memorable? Was it cause we were on vacation? Was it spontaneous? Did something happen that was different? You know, there's some kernels of information in there that could help you lead a trail to what, what she's into or what turned her on. You know, you guys could read erotica together or watch porn. Do you have fantasies too that you want to try that maybe might turn her on?

Right. No. And that's. That's what we've talked about because I, of course I have fantasies, right? And I talk about it, and she goes, well, let's do it. Let's try it out. You know, I'm all about it, you know, and we do. You know, it's just. It's hard in between kids, you know, like, you have kids all day, you're running around. So it's like when. And. And I don't like planning like Tuesday at 4, we're going to do this. And that's not how we are. We are more spontaneous, and if it happens, it happens. But I will say we're very active. We.

Okay, good.

We have sex at least five times a week. And I'm not saying intercourse, but, you know, as far as overall. And we've been married for 10 years.

Now, so that's really impressive. I love it. So you're just saying you want to expand and you want to grow. There's a great book on this coming together by my friends Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harrell. And why I like this book is because it gives you homework together to kind of figure out what was your earliest sexual memories, what really Turned you on. What was the first time you had sex? What was the most memorable? Yeah, it just helps you guys communicate and it's a really fun book. I think that can help you both go a little bit deeper into your sexuality because so many of us have, we have blocks or we just. She's busy being a mom or she doesn't even know what's on the menu. You also know an easy way is our yes, no maybe list which is on our website, which so people love that it has 80 things on it from like kissing to cuddling to spanking to pegging. Is it a yes? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And then you guys can like teach, take that quiz and like swap lists. So there's different ways to get it going. And typically it is a conversation outside the bedroom. Do I do date night still? I Hope with a 4 year old.

And an 8 year old, yeah, it's difficult. But I, what we do is I, it's kind of funny. I will look at the kids to bed and I'll have her dress up and I'll dress up and I'll do like a candle at dinner out back. We can. So like I try to keep it like, you know, okay, we're on a date night because all of our family's out of town. We don't have any family out here. They're hours away. So when they do come in town, we do sneak one in. But for the most part it's hard. It comes far and few between and.

Trying to find the right. Can you guys afford. But it's really important. Like there have been actually studies that have shown that couples who have a non negotiable date night every week have better sex, more pleasure, more. All these things that have a better relationship because it has to be that time that's like your non negotiable. So maybe you could find a sitter once, make you make that a priority. I know it's hard to find one, but it's important.

Yeah. And that's, I think we just need to dive more into like actually truly finding one. You know, I mean there's gotta be something out there. So I just think we need to take more effort into finding a sitter rather than maybe some, maybe one will come by, you know, like, yeah, find.

A sitter, talk to your friends, talk to your friends with kids and say do you have anyone that you like? And that's how it gets started. There's sometimes there are also some apps too that you help find. You babysitters and I think that that would be a really great first step. Couples just forget and then years go by and they're like, we've never been without the kids. It's been a year, it's been two years. And it's really important for you guys to nurture your own relationship as well and give that time.

That's awesome. Yeah, no, that's fantastic. I didn't even think about like the use of the erotica reading and everything like that. She's a huge reader, so that would be awesome. That's great. Tip.

Get some erotica. Rachel Kramer Bustle. Like Google best erotica. I think we have some on our website. And just start reading. Read her in the tub or something. Make it a sexy night. Have her lay down and you'll give her a massage and read to her. You know, just see what gets her going because you'll start to know when her body starts to move, she gets turned on. So yeah. I love this.

That's awesome.

Yeah. Let me know how it goes.

Okay, I definitely will. Thanks for taking time.

Of course.

So great. So thank you for everything. I appreciate it again.

Yes, of course. I'm so glad to see you. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I love that they're a happy couple. Things are great. They have sex five times a week. But remember, sometimes it's not about how many times a week you're having sex. It's about are you both getting your needs met. Is it quality sex over quantity? But they seem very happy. They just have to have some more conversations. And I hope this has inspired some of you right now to get a babysitter if you don't have one. Because it is so important to still prioritize your relationship with when you have kids. When life happens, you have to always say, we are doing this date night. It's going to happen and we're going to do everything we can to make sure it happens. Even if you leave and go around the corner somewhere, it's just important to get out of the house. Agree that you're not going to talk about the kids. Continue get to know each other and have those conversations that you had at the beginning when you fell in love. And that's going to help everything. It's going to help your turn ons. It's going to help you guys connect more. So I'm a huge fan. This email is from Anna, 22 in London. Hey Dr. Emily. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for two months now. We've gotten into the swing of engaging in phone or FaceTime sex. My boyfriend's really good at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we are on the phone. However, I get a little quiet and don't know what to say, but would love to contribute. I try to think of what I'd want him to be doing to me or what an experience has been like between us in the past, but I can't ever get the words out to properly do it any justice. Any tips? All right. Yes, Anna. Well, I think what you're saying here is that you're doing a lot of things that I recommend. Talking about something that's happened in the past and something that you want to happen in the future. Well, what you're saying here is that doesn't work for you because you just can't get the words out of your mouth. So here's what you need to do. Practice your dirty talk voice. Do it in the shower or when you're driving or you're getting ready and you're looking in the mirror. Practice saying it out loud like you are an actor and you're preparing your lines for a scene because it's a new part of yourself and it's not fake and it's not wrong. And there's no problem practicing. If you guys are thinking, oh, that's gonna make me feel worse. Not at all. It's gonna make you feel way more comfortable when the situation goes down. And you can also, maybe when you're masturbating, you could practice your dirty talk voice. When you're alone, you can think about, like, what would I be saying right now? And just practice. There's no one around. They don't have to hear you. Maybe you could listen to erotica as well. That's a great way to hear how other people are doing it. And then you could stop it and you can listen to it and make it your own. Deepening your voice, talking slower and just being really, really descriptive about what you want from your partner and saying, I remember the last time we were together, I can't stop thinking about the way your hands felt on my ass. You could even write it out, Anna. You could write these things out that you might want to say and then practice them. So that's what I'm hearing from you. It just takes a little bit of practice. And once you do it, it still might be a little stressful the first time, a little anxious, but once you get the words out, you're going to be so impressed that you're able to do this, and you're going to be a master dirty talker, sexter, facetimer in no time. Feel good about this one, Anna. Let me know how it goes.

We have Laura, 32, from Iowa. Hi, Laura. Hi. How can I help you?

This is so exciting. So my partner gets really turned on when he thinks about me with someone else or could have the opportunity to see me with someone else. And I want to know what the best way to introduce a third party into that is because I love that and I'm fine with it. And I get turned on by the fact that he wants to claim me after more or less, which I think is so hot. But I want to know how to still keep it light and fun with introducing a third person and then exiting a third person.

Okay, first, so is this third person a man?

Yeah.

I'm assuming he wants to watch you with a man. Do you want to know about how you can find someone? Go out finding a third?

Yeah, because we've talked about it before and he's thought about, you know, us going out and approaching someone. But I feel like that's kind of risky because you don't know what the reaction on the third party is going to be. So I want to know how to find someone. But then in my mind I picture like that third party exiting and it just being asked to again. So I want to know what the best way to go about it is while still keeping it like sexual and fun and not like awkward radio silence.

You know, it's such a great question because you're like, well, I, I want to have sex, but I don't want to connect with this person. Like, I don't want to have like we're not going to cuddle, we're going to have leave. There's like play parties you can go to. Do you know of any play parties in your area? There's a website called FetLife F E T L I F E. There's apps like even the apps like OkCupid and there's another one called Field F E E L D and even there's one called Also open. These are all sites, websites that can kind of help you find a third partner. So you can even like say what you're looking for. Exactly. You don't have to show your faces and then you would meet with this person. So that's one way to do it. There's also like there are play parties. So I'm trying to think if there's like a meetup for play parties and how you. Cause you're in Iowa. So I'M not sure if there's as many other are in la. Like in la, there's like a. Probably a play party going on right now, but it's a little bit different. I know, like probably in Iowa, but I'm sure they exist.

Yeah.

And so it would just be. Do you have any friends who have been open or a little kid?

Yeah, I've had friends in like kink world, if you will. So I'm sure they would know.

So I would just ask them. It just takes one person. Like once you find one person. So then they have parties that are play parties and you have to be invited to go. And usually it's couples and single women and there's different kind of rules around there, but that's where you guys would just start getting comfortable with other people, you know, around and seeing if you like someone. So however you find this third, though, and you first you want to know, maybe you FaceTime them or you go out for a drink first, you get to know them. But if you're like, I don't even want to know them, then you would really be clear about it and you'd say, this is exactly what I'm looking for. Like, once you put it out there what you're looking for, as far as just finding a third, you'd say, we're not interested in any kind of other hanging out after. It's really just for the sex. And you're just clear, this is a boundary. Tell them what your boundaries are. Include everything that's off the table, and then ask them if they've heard what you've said and have them repeat it back. And you can even ask what they're into and what they'd like out of the situation. And then it's just like, clear. And then you get to go about your business.

Yeah.

You will find someone. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just a matter of saying people do this all the time. Like, oh, I don't do sleepovers, or I don't feel great with penetration. You know, I don't think we can make out like people. It's. You're allowed to have your boundaries and state them.

Do you think? Because not like in my head, I think I probably need to set those boundaries with my partner too. Right?

Yes.

And that's probably from my triggers from previous relationships where I'm like, what do you want to see? This is really for you, you know? And what are you okay with? What are you not okay with?

You said that you've talked about it like dirty Talk it or has he explained to you. Okay. So that it's probably pretty exciting, explicit. And so I think that you just want to clarify and say, I want to make sure that you're okay with me having sex with someone in front of you. Is there anything off limits? And then you guys should also have a safe word. I would recommend that you guys have your own safe word where you can communicate in case. We can dirty talk, threesomes and kinks all we want, but when it's actually happening, sometimes you can get in the moment. It can be like, no, I do not want this to happen. So.

Right.

Definitely talking to him. And it sounds like you're, you know, making all the right. You're asking all the right questions here.

Yeah, because I want. I want it to be enjoyable and this is new for me, but I want to do it for him. So I want to make sure that it is enjoyable and nothing can fall through the cracks to ruin the moment.

Okay, well, what do you want out of it? Are you doing it just to please your partner or.

I think it's exciting just because every girl wants to be wanted, so to be wanted and then wanted more. I think it's really, really hot. So I'm excited for that. But I am so sexually pleased with my partner that it's like a fantasy for him. So I want to make sure that, like, I'm fulfilling his fantasies so then he can fulfill mine.

Right. Okay. Yeah. No, it sounds like you guys have a really fun relationship and you're really open and talking about these things. So I think that it's just really conversation, you know, communication, lubrication and talking and maybe even writing it down because sometimes people don't always hear things that you're saying. And I would have a good contract if you want to be safe and you want it sounds like you guys are. Have great communication, but it's really good to like cut a seed of writing because this is what we're agreeing to. And it can be really hot to go back to and read it sometimes, but I love my idea. Okay, good. Check out those apps. I would talk to them about it and have fun. And now I want to hear how it goes.

Yeah. Well, hopefully I have an exciting update for you soon. It's birthday's on Friday.

Oh, can we do it by Friday? You got some time?

Yeah, it's only Tuesday.

I think you'll be able to find what you're looking for. I feel good. Okay. Thanks, Laura.

Thank you.

Of course. I appreciate it. Thank you for calling In.

Absolutely. Have a good one.

You too. Bye. So what Laura was talking about there was. We call it a cuckolding in the business when a man has a fantasy about seeing his partner with another woman. And I know it's not for everybody. I know a lot of you think, oh, I would. I would lose my mind if my. If my woman was having sex with someone else in front of me. Oh my God. Well, guess what? It's not for you. This is for some people. It is a fantasy. It's common fantasy. And what I love about this, whether it's a threesome, bringing another woman or whoever you're bringing in, it's important to have really clear boundage with your partners, to talk about your yeses and your nos and to make sure that you are both on the same page, that you're both attracted to the person. If it's going to be a threesome in this situation, you know, I think that she's thinking about it. All right. Hey, don't knock until you try it.

Hi, Janet, thanks for calling. How can I help you?

So I'm calling because. So my partner and I, we. We have a good sex life. And he's. He's very kind and considerate and a considerate lover. But he asked me, he's asked many times past, like, what my sexual fantasies are and wants to know what I want to do and what, what he can do to make me happy and stuff.

And it's.

The frustrating thing for me is that I'm already fine or happy with the things that we do. And I feel like I'm not very creative. And so I feel like it's. And again, it's not that, you know, there's like a whole huge amount of pressure or whatever, but I feel like I. I don't really have any other real fantasies. I grew up in a pretty strict Catholic, you know, home sex before marriage was not okay. Masturbation was really wrong and stuff. And so I feel like that's played a part in my creativity, I guess. And so I feel like I'm not very creative. It's not that I'm not open to ideas. I just don't have ideas. Does that make sense?

I got it. Yes, absolutely. You are in the perfect situation right now because you're open and you're willing, but you just don't have any fantasies. And that's really common. I hear this from people all the time. Like, some people's brains are more creative sexually and some aren't. And that's all. Okay. Now you get to go deeper into what you do. Like, maybe it could. Here's a few prompts for you that might help you figure it out, because it's a journey. So, first thing, I would be honest with your partner and say, I don't have a lot of fantasies, but want to go on a ride with me? Let's figure out what they are. You can start to think about some of your most memorable sexual experiences. Even you could even that for yourself. And just think about, what was I the most turned on about? And, you know, or maybe with this partner, was there a night that was particularly hot? Was something happening? And so you can kind of look at your own sexual history and think about things like that that might just kind of get you to start thinking what's hot for you. Maybe it was unexpected or spontaneous, or you were dressed up or you were outside in nature. You know, maybe something happened. Start to think about some really hot moments also, you know, maybe you guys could read erotica to each other or find some hot sex scenes in movies or watch ethical porn together. Like, Bellesa makes some great porn for couples. And so I don't think there should be any shame that you don't have any. But I think you might have some fun trying out what your turnout is. What do you think about that?

So that's.

Thank you.

Those are really good suggestions. I appreciate that. I feel like, I guess maybe talking ahead of time, because sometimes I feel like in the moment, I'm like, I don't know, like a deer on the head, lights or something.

Oh, well, though, here's what my. My thing is that I always tell couples to. To talk about this stuff outside the bedroom so it doesn't happen in the moment. It's. It's timing, turf and tone. I always say, like, your tone has to be light and curious and open. The turf is outside the bedroom. Maybe when you're going on a walk or you're having dinner and the timing is when you guys are feeling good, you're hanging out. You're not fighting about something or talking about something else. So in the moment. A lot of us can't answer stuff in the moment, but that's why you have to say, you know what? I want to talk to you about our sex life. Here's what I think is really hot. And you ask me about fantasies, but I tell you I don't have any. But here's what does turn me out. Or here, would you like to explore with me? Let's figure it out together. So just know that Some people do, some people don't. Nothing wrong with you.

That's very helpful. I appreciate that. Yeah, I feel like he has some ideas that he doesn't, you know, that he. That maybe he's afraid to share with me. But I'm open to a lot.

I just.

Oh, well, this is great, Janet. I think that he probably does have fantasies. And that's the other part of this, is to say, here's my fantasies. What are your fantasies? And that's how you're going to find out what he's into, what you're into. So this is going to be great. It sounds like you already, you know, you're getting a sense that he's got some things he wants to talk to you about. So maybe he does. And then remember, you get to ask questions and say, tell me more about that. Oh, that's really new for me. I haven't known that. Tell me more about that fantasy. Cause it might be something that you're just sort of haven't heard of or don't really understand. Just say, tell me more about that. When did you first have that? How would it go down? What would it look like? And the couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better sex. More pleasurable sex, more orgasms, stronger connection. But it's awkward, Janet. People don't often do it, but this is my mission on the planet, so I promise it works. Thanks, Janet. Okay, guys, this is like the basic. This is like what I talk to you guys about all the time, that it is okay to have these conversations. It's okay if you fantasize, it's okay if you don't fantasize. It's okay if you're afraid to have this conversation. It's okay if you love talking about sex. It's okay if you've never talked about sex. It's all okay. It's just finding ways to talk about it in a way that is not shaming and blaming and healthy. And it's really in all the name of being a great lover to yourself and to your partner. Partner. It's the most important talking we can do. This is from Jesse, 34, in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, heterosexual cisgender female here, and I absolutely love your podcast. I enjoy sex with my boyfriends, current and past, but often can't orgasm unless I'm fantasizing about someone else, a past lover, someone in my life, an imagined lover, having sex with me instead. This isn't a shared fancy or kinky game between my partners and me actually I'm sure they'd be hurt if they knew that. Generally when I'm orgasming really hard, I'm fantasizing about another man. I'd like to be present and emotionally available to my partner while enjoying sexual intimacy together. But there's clearly some block that I can't figure out. Help. Alright, Jessi. Well, let me tell you this. It is really, really common to have fantasies about someone else. In fact, in a study conducted by the Journal of sex research, 80% of women, 98% of men fantasize about someone other than their partner. What I'm hearing is it sounds like a little bit of disassociation. If every single time you're with a partner you have to fantasize about someone else. It means that you are disassociated from the situation with an intimacy really, you know, being really intimate with the person that you are with, that's really challenging for you. It sounds like to orgasm. So I feel like you are in a practice of you're getting close to orgasm, you're with someone else, and your mind goes to, now I gotta fantasize about someone else. So it's gonna take a little bit of rewiring and undoing that pattern. The best way for you to figure out how to be more connected to the partner you're with is to actually engage with that partner in a way that will enhance intimacy. For example, it could be some dirty talk that you're exchanging back and forth during sex. It could be a little bit of role playing, some dominant or submissive play, some bdsm. Maybe it's just some light kinky bondage where you they tie you up or blindfold you. What I'm saying here is that when you are actually engaged in an activity with the person you're having sex with, you're more likely to be present and focused on that partner. And so your mind doesn't have time to wander into the past and to think about somebody else when you're truly feeling intimate and connected. And the thing that I love about acting out fantasies with partners and role playing and why I talk about this stuff so much is because it's a way to ground you in the present moment and to feel again feel connected with the person you're with. So that's what I recommend for you, is having some conversations with your lovers before you have sex and just to letting them know what you're into. And then it might be fun to play with some other scenarios because I think you'll find that when you are engaged in some fun play in the moment, you won't have as much time to go to your habits of the past. Okay, so let me know how it goes. Jesse thanks for your email.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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