Who Do You Attract & Why?

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about having a type when dating and how science actually backs us up, because believe it or not, there are patterns and traits that may go overlooked. And I'm answering your calls. Topics include: yes, opposites do attract, but what if we're really looking for is another version of ourselves? How to get your husband to put the dirty in his dirty talk. What does it really mean to be asexual? And learning new ways to spice up your sex life is really exciting, Trust me, but sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. How do you pace yourself while still keeping it hot? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so drunk.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You can check out our website and all of our podcasts. We do 3 podcasts a week. So thanks everyone for subscribing and checking them out wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also find me on SiriusXM radio. It's Stars channel 109, and I'm there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific, and you guys can check it out. You get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm, or just call in, 888-947-8277. And you can find me on all social media across the board. It's @sexwithemily. All right guys, I hope you enjoy the show. Let's talk about types for a minute, all right? There is a— which makes sense— there is a consistency among people's current and past partners, and partners are less like we are. So, you know, we're like, oh, he's just like me, I like her, she's great. Typically that's not true, which makes sense that we would date someone who's not like us, but then we would date that person over and over and over again. The reason why I like this, because it was like a very like detailed study, like they talked to your current partner, like your exes, and they went back and they like, they did like double blind.

A little scary though, someone talking to all of your partners.

I know, I'd be like, I kind of always—

I always kind of want to do that, but like behind one of those like interrogation mirrors. Yeah, like the two-way mirrors.

Yeah, exactly. So you can— I would love to. Yes, exactly. That's something— I think there's a lot of information in our exes. That's why I'm friends with them. Like, I feel like you could learn a lot, right? So they sampled their current and they sampled their past partners, and some of the questions were like, you know, I am usually modest and reserved. I am interested in many different kinds of things. I make a plan and carry it out. And they would find that the degree of consistency from relationship to relationship suggests that we do have a type. Now, why does that matter? Like, why is that important? Well, we might date types because it's the same type. Like if you ever say, like we were talking earlier in the show, like your picker's broken, right? That's what we like to say is like, oh God, I keep picking the wrong people. Like every woman I date isn't available. Every guy I date is a jerk. We hear all these things. I mean, it's typical to, to what I would say is if it's unhealthy, you probably know. You're like, this type isn't good for me. Maybe it's an addiction, maybe it's, um, someone who's abusive, like even verbally abusive. A lot of times we're attracted to what isn't healthy. It could be— most things are patterns from our childhood, which is why we all need therapy. So it's some kind of unhealthy relationship maybe that's playing out, but for whatever reason we get locked into a type that we find arousing, and then that's the person that we date. Now, some Sometimes that can be a good thing. Not all traits that repeat themselves are unhealthy. Like, for example, if you constantly date people who need more nurturing, or you need— you like to teach things and you seem to date people who need the nurturing, or you like to teach them how to cook or how to get— be more athletic or help them with whatever, you're a helper, and that, that feels good to you. So maybe that could be a helpful trait. However, they could also be negative, right? They're like I said, like if you always date addicts or people who are abusive to you. So I think What you have to do then, if you keep finding a type that's not working for you, is this is when I say when you, when you end a relationship, it's so important to take the time and like look at what actually worked for you, what didn't work for you, and like get specific. And then you can like even— I think it's so great to write down things that you love, traits that you didn't. And then when you're fighting, like what even— like do your own sexual history, your own partner history. Here's the last 8 guys I dated, women I dated, and like what was good, what was bad. I think you're going to find the same things here, but you can do your own research. Like, okay, I definitely want I definitely want someone who's generous, and I definitely want someone who's loving, who likes touch, who's outdoorsy, whatever. But I don't want someone who works all the time, who's an introvert, who doesn't work out. And then you could kind of— it'll make it so much easier when you move out into the world. So, um, just so you know, it is true you have a type, and you also have the ability to choose it if you want.

I found that my type is like, I think I find these different guys there. I'm like, oh, they're so different. Like, they have different jobs, they have different, like, values, they have different things. But then at the core of them, when get to know them, the more they lack maturity is emotionally. That always happens. No, but like really, so like they're very much more feminine than I expect.

More feminine?

And not in a bad way.

Is it feminine or is it more not emotionally?

Well, they're not, I guess feminine is the wrong word. I guess they're more like needy emotionally. Like they try to play they're not, but they are. Or like I always have to end up being like the one that's like not complaining about the feelings and the things.

But what if you did? What if you did bring in your feelings more into it? See if you change who you are, if you change your behavior in response to them.

So if I was more emotionally involved in the beginning, yeah, that they might be less?

Well, then like in that case, partners might not be attracted. You might not be attracted to the same people right away. It's like homeostasis, like we change our behavior and people change around us.

So, oh, that's so scary though.

I know, you gotta feel stuff, you gotta be vulnerable like right away.

It's so hard.

Yeah.

Okay, no, but you're right. That makes sense. I guess I know that, but I don't want to do it yet.

I know, you're not ready yet. That's okay.

What's a good way to kind of trick yourself into thinking that or believing that vulnerability is a safe zone? Because I feel like a lot of us struggle with that.

I think you have to, it's a really good question. I mean, you have to like practice it. You have to know that like whatever your vulnerability is, it allows you to be more real, more authentic, and more lovable. If there's something that you're hiding from, a lot of times even from ourself, but from our partners, like, and I'm not saying it all comes down to the first date, but your loved ones, the things that we are so shameful of and the things that we hide and we think no one's going to love us and we're not lovable, you'd be surprised at what magic happens when you actually tell your story, when you're actually honest and real and vulnerable. And, and that's where the magic in life happens. And then you find someone who actually like, receives that and nurtures it. It's like, oh, thank you for sharing that with me. I see you so much more now. I don't know, like, our biggest fear is that we're going to be open about something and then everyone's going to abandon us and leave us, right? And sure, that could happen. Not everyone, but people could be like, oh God, you're too much for me. Oh, I don't want to hear that. Well, then that's not your guy, right? But the more you practice— like, that's what I want to tell you all, is that we're all holding back with this fear, this crazy fear that people are going to leave us if we show them who we really are. But don't we want to be who we really are? Like, eventually we're going to be who we really are, right? Yes. So just then you practice that everywhere you are, and, and then life is a lot easier. I mean, really just makes a lot of sense. Yeah, like, and I get it too, like, it's different at different ages and all that, but like, I'm just telling you, it shouldn't be. Like, the more you start practicing that, you're just gonna be able to move through it and find the people that can—

are accepting of it too.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's true.

I have a question about types.

Yes.

So I feel like me personally, I want to find someone who's most like me, very similar. Do you— I mean, some people are like opposites attract, but in what way though? Looks. Like, I like dark hair, light eyes. Like, I like someone who is able to have an intellectual conversation, but I also like someone who likes to be quiet at the right time too. Like, I don't like to be talking all the time, which I found out earlier, but Right, okay.

So I, I mean, but honestly, like, I think you could still find someone who is very much like you in those ways but very much unlike you in other ways. Like, I also think that's something like, to me, like, yes, like, there's certain things, like, to me, that's not the things, like, that seems like basic things that you could pretty much find. Like, maybe they won't have light eyes and the dark hair, but you could definitely— they will perhaps, maybe not both of those, but definitely like I think those things are important. You want someone who isn't talking all of the time and someone who is— what are the other things? Who's smart.

My main question is, I would never not date anyone who's smart, you know.

Do you feel like you're—

we're looking for the male versions or female versions of ourselves? That's more my question.

I think some people are, but I, I don't think that— I mean, I think, I think some people are, but I don't think I would. I don't— I think I'm just looking for energy, like who am I connecting with. I don't necessarily think that they need to do all these things that are like me. But I also wonder if it's like, is it about like reproduction? Because you're like, I want to make good babies together.

I do want my kids to look like me. But the other thing, the other thing is I just feel like when you have to compromise, the more you have to compromise with whoever you're with, that just creates more situations where you guys could fight. So for me, it's about I want to be happy with this person, and I know I'm not going to be happy if I have to compromise all the time, like what we do, what we listen to. So for me, my type is very much me but the male version, right?

I mean, you know, hey, some people you always hear like, you're dating yourself. I don't think that's wrong, but I also— the thing I get worried with you is that it's so— that you're, you're so specific about the needs that like, I think part of you might be surprised that there might be some blonde guy that, that, that might not talk a lot and be intellectual and that You know what I'm saying? You will find it, but to me, I don't wanna ever compromise if I'm gonna be with someone for even a night that is annoying to be with because they're talking too much or too little or whatever my things are. So to me, that's not just like you, that's just things you prefer. So I think reframing that, like, no, it's important to me that someone's smart and we have a good conversation. I don't wanna be talking all the time, that would drive me insane. I don't want, that to me isn't necessarily saying they're just like you except for the dark hair thing, which, I understand that.

I can give or take on the, like, I do have a list.

Physical stuff.

But I can, like, obviously I know not everyone's gonna have the same list, but when it comes to type, I just feel like, I don't know, some people go for like the opposite.

Well, I mean, it could be refreshing. Well, 'cause I'm seeing someone kind of right now that's very similar to me, and I'm finding that it's refreshing, but also a lot to take in. 'Cause I'm like, oh my God, like, you are, like, you know, your friends are constantly hitting you up, and like, you do like talk a lot, but then it's like, it's just, it's, I'm like, oh my God. It's like, 'cause there are the parts, the annoying parts of me that I'm sure to other people are coming out. So I'm like, okay, like I'm starting to figure out like, can I, do I really want someone so similar? And like trying to, you try to eventually find the differences so that you, 'cause it's like nice to learn something new, you know? So at least that's how I see that. It's good to a degree, but you gotta have a little.

I don't even think of it like that. I think about, I mean, I understand things that I want and that I don't want, but I think it's just really that you're so specific with it that maybe there has to be a little bit of loosening up around it. Because the longer the list, I think you can have whatever you want, but it might not come in the package that you think it looks like, or you might not know right away. Yeah, yeah, that's what I think. But I think that everyone wants people, you know, you'll figure out what you want when you, you'll figure it out when you know it, when you find it. But I'm also saying just be careful that you're not, you're not keeping people away because you think they're not a certain way, but maybe they will, and if you give them a chance, it's interesting.

I give them all a chance. Just for the record, my ex-fiancé was blonde, and that's very much not my type, so there you go.

No, you know I have my things too. I don't think you have to necessarily compromise. I'm not saying you need to compromise. I'm just saying also have an element of being open to things don't always look like what we—

Like you being open to people that are shorter than 6 feet tall.

I was thinking that. I don't wanna say that, but I can't. I can't.

They're all gonna be tall.

I'm not 5'11", I know.

Not even, what about my height? I'm pretty tall, I'm like 5'10".

Is it still too short? 5'10", yeah, I know, it's just not attractive, I get it.

I could do taller.

Everyone has that thing that they're like, that's what I'm knocking it based on. That's the deal breaker. That's the thing, and I think that's fine.

I think it's fine to have, yeah, I don't know. Do you think the more specific, 'cause you say you really know what you like, like for Kristen, she really knows what she likes.

But that limits your choices.

Why haven't relationships worked out?

Right?

That's a great question.

My number one answer would be that I don't wanna settle.

Okay, that's fine, you're 30.

And I feel like it's been the wrong time with some men. Like they are not ready for it.

That just means they're the wrong one. I don't know. Well, 'cause timing is a real thing. I think timing is a real thing, but.

I got some more time.

Yeah, she's got time.

I think it's— no, I think it's important to be specific on like your— what you— I mean, the lists are great, but it's a kind of list that's a very more of a like, um, it's like a thought. Like we've talked about writing down like your, your— the things that you're— your non-negotiables that you want a partner, they don't. It sounds like you've done that. Yeah.

Do you believe that opposites attract? Like, well, attract, but do you think—

do you believe opposites work I think everything can work, like, you know what I mean? There's so many variables, it's hard to say. Like, they're so opposite. And then people who are like born in the same town and live next door to each other their whole life, and they're exactly the same. So I think love is— there is no— love is not formulaic. Relationships, and even sex isn't truly in so many ways, but especially love. Like, I think you've seen everything work across the board. Like, I like typically people who are opposite. Like, I— because I think— why I think that's interesting, and when we say opposites, like, what does that even mean? You'll probably find when you say opposites that there are core things that are actually really similar, right? But on the outside it looks really opposite, right? So, you know, but I think typically we like the opposite because it's novelty and it's new and exciting. We constantly learning, like, we're so different, oh my God, our backgrounds are so different. So typically I have dated people who were very different from me and where I come from, but, you know, all different things have worked. All right guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back, we're going to get into your calls.

All right, we have Jessica who's 40 in Florida, and she said that her boyfriend does not like dirty talk, but she does.

Okay. Hey Jessica.

Hi.

Hi, thanks for calling. Okay, so tell me what happened. What's going on with your boyfriend? You were like, talk dirty to me. He's like, no. What happened?

Uh, yeah, so we've been together for years now, so I'm pretty open and he is pretty open, but I'm still much more so than he is. So when it comes to me wanting to talk dirtier, which is more vulgar, which is something we definitely don't do during normal daytime. He, uh, he's not really— he doesn't respond back. Instead, his is more of a, like, loving talk, right? He's like, oh baby, making love, that's okay. Yeah, but not when, like, you want to have sex. So, you know, I would think I'm gonna get crazy and we're gonna get drunk and then I'm gonna say what I want to say and the next day he'll pick up on it and do the same, but it doesn't work out that way. So I get like, frustrated. I don't like the words he uses.

Oh, right. You're like, no, that was the anti-turn-me-on word, right? You're like, that just made me lose it. So, okay, so here's the thing about it. I'm sure that he wants to please you and talk dirty to you. It's that you've been together for a few years, you said. And so the problem is, is that you just doing it once or twice, he's not going to change a lifetime of not knowing how to talk dirty and how to start it, right? It's like when people call in, they're like, I don't know how to initiate sex because I've never done it. We're like, just initiate sex. So it's kind of the same thing. So I feel like, um, have you talked to him ever outside the bedroom, Jessica? Like, hey, I think dirty talk would be hot. Or was this more like in the moment you kind of upped the ante?

I kind of, I've kind of said it, but not like Like, you know, I beat around the bush maybe too much. I could, but it's still awkward for me because it's not a word I'd even use.

I know. I mean, I think he just— first of all, our partners never— we always think our partners are mind readers and they never pick up on our hints. Like, they just don't. And so, but then that I understand why also you get upset because we're like, how do they not know? So that's why I'm telling you they didn't pick up on it. He's been having sex with you and probably his entire life the same way, and a few times you threw in like you know, some dirty talk. I was gonna say like fuck me, whatever. He was like, ugh. It might have freaked him out, might have been the way he was brought up, and he's never done it. So I think what you have to do, and this will help you in every area of your sex life, Jessica, the next time you guys are together and it's chill and you're hanging out and it's a chill, remember, the sex talk is not a stressful conversation, and just like, you know what, thinking about you and our sex life and I love what we're doing and I want to talk about dirty talk because it's one of my fantasies and I know it might be awkward, but there's some words I find really hot, and then just make it playful with him and laugh about it, Jessica. Jessa, can you do that? Because I know this sounds really like scary right now, but if you're like, this is the words I like, and then you guys could do a little role-playing like over wine at dinner or like when you're out or wherever talking about it, could you give him some suggestions and like you guys create your own list with that and not specifically say, and I don't like the words he used, but try to go more of my way?

You could say yes, I don't like it when he like refers to pieces of my body the way he does.

Like, well, yeah, like, give me example. Like, does he say pussy and you don't like it? No, you like pussy. But what else?

A her?

He's like, she's so pretty.

Okay, something like that.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, that's just weird.

You know what you could say? You could look at him like— I don't know if he's like a touch guy or what his love language is, but if you like— let's say he's touch and you look at him and you're like holding his face, you're rubbing his arm, and you're like, you know what, babe, I— let's say he has touch as his love language, right?

Or—

and you're just like— and you're— or it's words, you're like, you're so sexy. When you say these things and you'll be really hot, like if you say like, babe, I want to like lick your pussy. I'm like, I kind of like that better than like when you say her. And when you're doing that, you're like looking in his eyes and you're like tracing his face with your hands, or you're like touching him. And when you're doing it in that way, that's like very positive. I mean, just see how it goes. I think you're going to find that this is the best way to communicate literally everything when you're speaking your partner's language and you're saying it in like a way that's calm and explaining it to him.

So I think, and for me not to feel embarrassed to do that? What do you recommend? Only because like in the moment I would be okay. I'm going out of my boundary, but I know that's what I like.

Right. But in the moment it doesn't work. In the moment of sex, you mean?

In the moment I would be good at it, but like sitting down to talk about it.

Well, here's the thing. Don't make it like sitting down to talk about it. Make it like you guys are hanging. Do you guys ever have conversations that are just like, when you guys feel the most comfortable with each other? Do you guys have like a date this weekend or this week? It's 4th of July. Are you going on a road trip? In fact, One of my best advice for having a sex conversation, I don't know if you're gonna have kids in the car, but like literally in the car because you don't have to make eye contact, but it's still intimate because no one can hear you. So that's a great time. And you could even say to him, babe, this is awkward. I'm going to tell you right now, I've never had this conversation, but I know I love you so much that I, I really think it's important. We, I'd love us to talk more about our sex life and what we both want. So if you make it about both of you, like, let's talk about what we both want. So then here's the thing, Jessica, this isn't just about your need. And, and also, and then you're just like, listen, this is, I want I want to talk about dirty talk. And you say, I know this is a little bit awkward for me, but I've been thinking about it. And just be honest. And I can't promise you that you won't feel awkward and you might not stumble and it might be, and you might giggle, but that's okay. And then you get past that and it gets a lot easier. And also remember, this is not the only time you're going to talk about it. You've been together a long time, so it could be one conversation and then you bring it up again because who changes from one conversation? Like zero people had one conversation about something with their partner and it changed forever. Like especially learning a new skill like this. So go, go easy. Don't tell yourself that this is the one shot, okay, Jessica? Just say, "I'd love us to start talking about our sex more." That could be the first time. All right?

Sounds good. I'll go ahead and give it a try.

Okay, keep me posted on everything, Jessica. I will be here. Thank you so much for calling.

We have a Mike on the phone who's 45 in New York, and he needs help on how to improve his masturbation sessions.

Hey, Mike. Happy to help.

How can I help you?

I'm so good, thanks for calling in.

Yeah, I'm, I'm 45. I am happily married, been married for 23 years, and I really enjoy masturbating still.

Great.

But, um, uh, when I'm with my wife and we're having sex, I have absolutely no problem at all getting an erection and, and coming and ejaculating. But when I masturbate I have a really difficult time now getting an erection.

Interesting. Okay, so when did this start? Because you said you've always masturbated.

Yeah, I have. I've always masturbated, and, um, and regularly, often. But now, as I've gotten older, it— I don't do it as often, and I've had to introduce different things to, uh, to get arousal. And, um, and when I, uh, when I do it. And, um, but, you know, such as I, I do have a, uh, a panty and a pantyhose fetish.

Okay, cool.

That I've had since I was probably like 13 years old, to be honest with you. Um, but it's just getting harder and harder now for some reason.

So even the panties aren't working anymore? Like, if you take them out or you wear them or something, that's still not doing it for you?

Um, it does. I mean, um, I, I do enjoy wearing them, right? And, uh, and, and shopping for them and stuff like that, right? It's just, um, I just don't know. Well, here's the thing.

So tell me what happens when you— so you go to masturbate, and do you start, like, do you start thinking about things? Are you watching porn? Are you thinking about— are you touching yourself? Have you, you know, What's— what happens?

Yeah, definitely, um, uh, watch porn. I like to put them on, um, and touch myself, and, um, I just don't reach that, um, I mean, it happens, right?

What if you don't use them? Like, what about if you—

you—

it sounds like— because does it, does it feel good, the sensation of the underwear, like the, the fabric?

Absolutely.

So what might be cool then is to try some sensation play with some other things. So a few suggestions are going through my mind, getting like a masturbation sleeve, like something?

I actually have. Okay, I do have a— I do have a Fleshlight.

And how's that feel?

Um, the— I actually prefer the Fleshlight Quick Shot.

Oh yeah, we love the Quick Shot. It's easier cleanup.

I think the quick— yeah, and I think it actually feels better than the actual sleeve. Yeah, to be honest with you.

Okay.

Yeah, it's just, it's just, um, I mean, that works, but it's just, you know, sometimes it is a little time-consuming, to be honest with you.

Right, right. What else? I'm trying to think about some other sensation plays. Like, if you use some— play with, like, hot and cold lubes, or like the, the lubes that we have that have the different, um, or like textures. Like, what if you played with, like, cold and hot sensations? Um, like, there's hot and cold lubes, like, they're tingling. They're a little bit of, like, a tingling sensation. Could feel good. Um, have you ever done any prostate prostate play? Have you ever been curious using a prostate toy?

A little bit, to be honest with you.

Okay.

I mean, I've been a little curious. I, I just don't, you know, I really don't understand because it's like when I'm, when I'm with my wife, it's just, it's excellent because she, you know, she, she actually helps me out and she actually buys stuff for me. So it's like we're pretty open, we're pretty open that way.

Okay, I love it. What about mutual masturbation? Do you guys ever do any mutual masturbation?

Yes.

Okay.

Absolutely all the time.

Um, I'm trying to think. It sounds like it's more like a mental thing. Like, how many times has it happened? Because I'm wondering if it's just been a few. Has it been going on for a while?

Um, I think it's probably been going on more or less in like the last, um, probably a year or so. A year, a year or two years.

Okay. Has anything else changed in your life? Like, are you taking medication? Any stress?

Not at all.

With more stress than usual? High stress?

Yeah, probably a little more stress, yes.

Okay, um, do you ever do anything for, for that, for anxiety or for stress? Like, do you exercise? Are you, you know, are you healthy?

Yes, absolutely healthy. Pretty, pretty active.

Definitely active.

Do you use lube when you masturbate? And do you ever use different positions? Do you ever do like standing up or in the shower, doing things that are just like out of your routine?

Um, um, yes, uh, lube. I sometimes— lube is like just too sensitive sometimes. Like, it's just— I, I know that sounds probably weird, but it's like just nothing sounds weird to me.

So it's literally nothing. So I'm just trying to think of it. It's a mind— like, what about like some new— we were talking earlier in the show about like, you know, using— do you ever like fantasize about your wife or go back to things you guys have done in the past, or create erotica together? What if you guys, like, you know, did some videos of you guys having sex together and you watch that? Or you said she helps you when you're together. Can you ever hear her words in your head when you're masturbating? Can you ever, like, pre-plan your masturbation session? Like, I feel like it's almost like an athlete going into something and they didn't do any prep, right? Like, they just show up and they hadn't been training. And it feels like you, you going in your bedroom right now and just starting, or whenever you masturbate, is now attached to anxiety for you because you feel like it's not going to work. So what if you create some kind pre-masturbation ritual where you're getting yourself turned on in the mood. You start thinking about in the morning and you're like, it's going to go this way and this is what I'm going to do. And, and it's all like, it's all, it's really like a, um, uh, what's the word? Like you are manifesting masturbation. Like you're really thinking about how you want it to go down and all you're thinking about is how it's going to feel, what you're going to think about, what toy you're going to use, what lube you're going to use without the like, because right now if you have, don't have sex in your mind and then you walk into your bedroom, put your pants on, you're like, oh shit, it's not gonna happen, you know what I mean? So it's like getting yourself all revved up for it.

Feel that, um, I, I like the, the verbal aspect of it, like hearing it and communicating, and, uh, I, I guess like talking, talking as it's happening, right? When I'm with my wife, I find that to be the most erotic part of it, to be honest with you.

What if— okay, so I don't know, she could record something for you, like, oh, she— your wife could Your wife could record her voice talking to you. Like, what if she did that? What if you recorded one of your sex sessions? Would she care? Would that seem weird?

Probably not.

I mean, I honestly, if you know what works for you, I am all for you being like, do you mind if I record this on audio? Or I don't know.

I agree with you. And it's funny because I, I mean, in, in that moment, like, I could hear the same— like, if she told me a story, I could hear the same story 100 times. And it would still work.

So why don't you have her record some of her best offs? I had a boyfriend like that. He's like, tell me about the time you had that threesome, or tell me about this. And they always want to hear it. He never got old. He's like, tell me that story again. So I hear what you're saying, and you guys have been together for 23 years. So what about when you guys are hanging out at home, or maybe she's driving in the car, she could talk into her phone and record them for you? I think these are a lot of different things. I think you got to reframe it, and it's all going to come back. You're— you're 45, you're young, nothing— doesn't sound like, you know, you have normal amount of stress. 'cause we all have it. And as long as we don't make this a problem, we make it more like a new challenge that you're gonna work on with your wife together to make your, you know, bring back your great masturbation. And then it'll also probably help your sex life, which is already amazing. But they'll help, they'll inform each other. All right.

I appreciate your help.

So, my pleasure. It was fun talking to you. Thanks, Mike.

We have a Kristen, 45, in Illinois, and she wants to know what the meaning of being asexual is.

Okay. Hey Kristen, thanks for calling.

Thanks for taking my call.

Of course. So ask away.

Well, I guess my main question is that I was in a discussion with my, my sisters and my good friends, and I haven't been in a relationship for like probably 3 and a half years, and that last relationship was my first relationship with a woman, and I've had relationships with guys before, but You know, it's one of those things that I justify myself being alone now is just because I'm extremely busy and I just don't have a desire to be in a relationship. But I, you know, I kind of got, I got called out as, I think you have to be asexual. You're 45 years old. You know, I've been told by my sisters and, you know, it's like, I, maybe my sexuality is like a little bit more fluid because my last relationship was with a woman, but it's not like I'm actively seeking right now. But like, you have to be asexual if you're not in a relationship.

No, asexual is a thing, but it's like 1% of the population is asexual and they don't have sexual feelings. They might have romantic feelings, but we know, Kristen, that you can be sexual and that you have been sexual and you were out of it. You know, and it is true that for most, you know, most of us sexuality is on a spectrum. It's like the Kinsey scale. So you don't have to decide if you want to be with man or woman. It sounds like, you know, that that's just that. I don't think we have to define that. That you're— if you're— where you— who you're attracted to or what, you know, we don't have to put a label on it. But what I'm going to tell you is that like as we get older, it's true, you're 45, so maybe there's like some hormonal changes happening and it's just not top of mind. But that— right, but I always say, you know, the brain is the largest sex organ, so we have to get our brain on board for sex, you know. And this is why it's important to keep all that self-love and masturbation. I'm telling you, sex Sex begets sex. And so if we don't— if we don't— and I'm not going to say if we don't use it, we lose it, because you can never really lose it. But you got to keep it going, just like working out, right? If you go to the gym twice a year, you're not in great shape. So getting— and then once you start to like get acquainted with your body again, orgasms, touching, then you'll start to feel more in your body. You'll start to feel more sexual again. And then when you're out in the world, you know, you might find yourself being attracted to people and putting that energy out there because it is all energy. It really is.

Exactly. And that was pretty much my discussion, but it just kind of got me thinking because I'm just like, well, wait a second here, you know, is that— I mean, I think I know what the, what the street definition of asexual, just pretty much like you just don't— yeah, you don't have a preference and you're just kind of like— you just— they basically calling them, my friends, my sister's thing, you're just like giving up. But I'm like, no, there's such a difference. I know there's stuff that's hormonal going on and you guys just don't have just situational. I just don't have the energy and I just don't have a desire, you know. Of course, every now and then I'm like, it would be nice to have, you know, have someone to be in a relationship. I miss that aspect, right? And it's not even man or woman, it's just— and that's just kind of a human being, you miss that. But it's not like I'm defined or I'm searching.

And that's actually not a helpful conversation. It sounds like that could be a sister conversation to have, but it's not helpful. You're not asexual. You, you know, you would already know if you were asexual. It would have been something that's been, you know, with you for your lifetime. So right now it's just, you know, you're on a little break. But if it's something that you are interested in, I think, like I said, just keep your sex top of mind, you know, in, in the sense of like, you know, I don't want to add another thing to your list, but taking time, masturbating, getting to know your body, putting yourself out there. But there's nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for taking my call.

Of course. Of course. Thank you, Kristen. Thanks for calling. That's what I'm here for. I want to set your mind at ease. That's a lot of what we do.

All right, we have Tony, 43, in North Dakota. He's been trying to do things with his wife who's overwhelmed by bondage and toys.

Okay. Hey Tony, thanks for calling. How can I help you?

Hi.

Hi.

Well, um, so we did the— I introduced a lot of things that you brought up in like the yes, no, maybe test.

Okay, great.

And so some of the things that we were brought up is self-pleasuring, bondage, uh using toys and everything. And I'm just wondering if we are overwhelming ourselves and blowing our minds too much with, uh, all this, uh, sex.

Well, tell me what's happening, Tony. So back up, so how long have you guys been together?

Uh, we've been married for 14 years, going on 15.

So tell me what—

so lately, marriage was kind of sexless.

Okay.

For the last couple years. And, uh, after I started listening to you, I brought up some ideas and she was very excited about it.

Okay, so then what happens? So you started getting some toys, and then now I'm trying to understand. So right now you think it's just too much? Now you guys are like, like, you have like a— well, tell me.

Just, I'm afraid that it could be too much. I don't know yet. I mean, we're very excited, but I guess I don't want to go full steam ahead and then suddenly hit a wall.

Well, have you talked to her about it? I mean, like, how's it going? When did you guys start getting all the toys and stuff?

Um, actually, a couple weeks ago we had a— um, we talked about it a week before that, but a couple weeks ago we really started getting more intimate and, um, taking things to a newer level, which has been so great for us.

Um, I'm so glad.

I was just worried. I was just worried. Uh, you know, we're, we're breaking out of our shells.

This is great. So I think this is— yeah, well, Tony, I think that's amazing. I think right now you're just experiencing that fear because you're like, wow, I thought our sex life was just gone. I was so good that it's scary that it could go away, and you're afraid you're gonna mess it up because it does feel so good. I mean, if you—

I mean, some of the things were like, I haven't experienced a lot of these things, you know, like we are trying to do this bondage and, you know, we— I just found out that we're using something the wrong way. I mean, okay, you know, we're still inexperienced.

Okay, no, of course. Well, tell me what— I mean, I could definitely help you with that, but like, there are some basic— are you guys really interested in some, some bondage, like some BDSM? Are you into, like, submission play? Is that what you guys are— what are you guys doing?

Yeah, I mean, we're, we're doing that. We're— it's all across the board. We're, we're trying to explore everything. I mean, she was even down to oral sex. She was very hesitant, and now she's very open about it now.

Okay, well, maybe you just slow it down. Tell me what you were using wrong. First of all, tell me what you got, because I want to help you with that. Because believe me, that happens though. People always call in, they're like, I got the toy and I charged and I put it on, you know, we got to help people sometimes. We're glad you purchased it, but tell me what, tell me what it is. We're going to walk you through this because I think maybe we do have to slow it down a little bit.

Well, I mean, like, she had a couple toys that, uh, she just opened up that she's had, and we thought they were broken, um, but she has, uh, I don't know, it's like a rabbit, I think. And then we got me, uh, uh, sorry, a C-ring that has a vibrator on it.

Yep. Okay, perfect.

And, uh, then we got some bondage stuff, so, you know, just trying to explore and figure out how to do it all.

Okay, well, we're kind of, we're kind of old school, and we're, we're—

our expectations were always the old ways and just trying to please each other.

Okay, well, I think so. It sounds like you guys are like, I love that you got like all the goods, you know, you got all the equipment and you got all the camping gear. It's like you're going camping, you got all the gear, but then you're like, but we don't have a map and we don't know where we're going. So it sounds like there might be a little bit time to kind of slow down and maybe, um, do a little bit of research. I gotta tell you, there's got to be some— I mean, some time where you guys are talking about like some safe words. Like, is she going to be dominating you? Are you dominating her? Are you like— maybe just take off— you said you did the yes, no, maybe list. Maybe start with one thing, um, okay, at a time. Was it— now what was it? I need to know what you were using wrong because I'm here and then we got Coyote here a little. She's, she's the Surgeon General of sex toys. Was it the cock ring? Was it the, was it the, what was the thing?

Yeah, I don't think we're doing it. Well, I don't know if we're doing anything wrong. I mean, she's, she's being pleased more than she's ever been, and I'm so excited to do that. Okay, but I don't know, it's all new to us, right? I'm just trying to find, like you said, that roadmap.

Yeah, well, I feel like, I feel like, what is, um, have you guys talked about it outside the bedroom? Have you said, so what'd you think about last night? Or is this just more— yeah, okay, good.

It's been, it's been more amazing than we've ever done. We're excited to explore more, you know, to the point where your dream of having lube in every corner— I'm gonna try to get some lube for us.

And you know, it's actually lube on every nightstand, but every corner—

I know.

Yeah, no, you're adorable.

I want to send you some lube.

Yeah, no, it's Sounds like you're just having a little bit of like, like I'm trying to think, Jamie, what we could do, like maybe some scenarios that you got play. So if you got some bondage stuff, it's just fun to start with a blindfold, right? So some dominant submissive play when, when she's blindfolded, and then you could kind of play with some different sensations. You could do some massage, you could do some, you know, some tickling using some feathers and different things like that's kind of a nice easy way to kind of ease into bondage. 'Cause once you get more advanced, there are safe words involved. We have a bunch of great blogs on our website, sexwithemily.com. We could put a few on the show notes for you right now. But it sounds like she's having pleasure. She's been happy with it. So I'm trying to get to you, Tony. Is there something that's kind of not working for you? 'Cause I'm not quite getting that right now. Or is it like, did something happen? You're like, yeah, tell me.

I guess I've been trying to focus on her more.

You're not getting your needs met.

Well, I think I am. I'd like to get a little bit, maybe more. Okay. And, you know, I know on the beginning of your show you, you're talking about toys, and I don't know if there's anything for men, but I'm just trying to think of what I can have that we can have together.

Okay. Well, okay, so that sounds great. So you're like, she comes first, like we always say, like you've taken care of her. So now it's like, Tony, what, what's interesting to you? So you've got a cock ring, that's kind of a more of a couple's toy, but you could wear that during intercourse and that will that could feel great to you and allow her to have an orgasm, perhaps, and just some more pleasure for both of you. But you might want to look at, if you're interested in a masturbation sleeve, something like the Hot Octopus is a really fun toy. The Pulse Duo, the Pulse 3, is a great toy that she could actually use as well and rub on top of you with that. There's a grinding set you can put on your penis. It actually oscillates. It's not really a vibrator. It twirls around your frenulum and it feels feels amazing. And that's more like if you guys do some mutual masturbation, like she could use her rabbit and then you can use this hot octopus toy. And it just, I don't know, I gave it to a guy once. He's like, Emily, I haven't left my apartment in 2 weeks. I'm like, oh my God, it's amazing. So you might like that. You might also like some prostate play. That could be fun for you too. If you're interested in that, I've got some toy recommendations.

Yeah, I mean, I was originally saying no to that. And then I, when we did that test, I said, well, maybe.

Oh, okay. So that was a maybe on your list. And Naros has a great thing, the Guidant line, which is great for beginners. So, I feel like maybe you guys can pull out that yes/no/maybe list. Remember, these conversations that we have with our partners, the sex talk, is not a one-time conversation. We have it over and over again, but it becomes like a hobby. It's like you guys are sharing something together. So, maybe when we hang up or she comes home tonight, you guys can actually say, talk to her about some things that you'd actually like to explore some pleasure of your own. And maybe you'd like to be dominated in some way. Maybe you'd like some of the bondage gear used upon you, and you could also get a toy and play with that. We've got a lot of stuff on our website. So really, it's about doing some more research, you know, like how we become, you know, more educated around sex is definitely like a lot of couples listen to my show together. They find that very helpful. Um, so for some people, it's reading, you know, get some books, do some, you know, knowledge, get some knowledge so you feel like feel like you actually have a little bit more behind what you're actually doing. And I think you guys could do it together, and it could be really hot to kind of figure out scenarios together. Another fun thing to do is, is when you guys are together, you can actually like roleplay dirty talk. Like, I'm picturing this is happening, I'm using this toy in your anus and we're playing and I'm tying you up. And that could be a way of actually experiencing it, you know, well, not actually having to do it, but you're talking it through and see what really turns you on.

Okay. Okay.

All right, Tony, keep me posted. You know that I'm here every night. All right, guys, thanks for listening to the show and supporting the show. We appreciate when you share this with a friend, when you subscribe, all of those things. So I appreciate you and my team. Thanks to Ken, Michelle, Kristen, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.