Why Do You Lube Me Up, Buttercup?

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm giving you all the details you need to know about lube in order to find your perfect match, and I'm taking your calls and emails. Topics include progressive parenting, so getting your daughter a vibrator, yay or nay, anal sex positions for everyone to enjoy, and yes, I'm even talking to you first-timers. So you want to have sex but you're too tired, how can you get yourself in the mood? And ways to keep up with your multi-orgasmic partner, because who doesn't want prolonged pleasure? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my, do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check us out at sexwithemily.com and wherever you listen to podcasts. Oh my God, we love when you subscribe to the podcast. It really helps us. Leave your reviews, tell your friends about the show. If you heard something on the show that you like, share with them. We love that. We release the show 3 times a week. You can also find me on SiriusXM radio. It's Stars Channel 109, and I'm there 5 nights a week, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific, and it's been amazing. I love reaching you. You can also call in even if you don't have Sirius, 888-947-8277, or get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm. Find us on all social media. @sexwithemily across the board. Okay guys, enjoy the show. As you might know, you heard me say, my dream is a lube on every nightstand, and here's why. It's because, and I talk about all different kinds of lubes, and a lot of you email me and question and call, you're like, but which one do I get and what's right for me? And I get it. But first, let me just say this. If you are still holding on to this stigma and you still think that lube is when there's a problem, like, oh, it's just dry discomfort, better get that old bottle of lube under the bed. Like, no, you're wrong, because lube actually enhances most sexual, I'd say every sexual situation, whether you're alone, with a partner, every sex act, you add a few drops of lube. I'm telling you, it enhances experiences. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. And also, your wetness level is not an indicator of arousal necessarily. You could be super wet and you could be turned on, or you could be wet and not turned on, or you get a little bit wet and then you dry up. So, here's what you do. You use lube every time you are masturbating, touching your partner. Don't lick your hands or spit in your— that is not sanitary. People do that. You've had guys do that, right? They like spit in their hand and they're like, pfft.

Oh my gosh.

Gross.

It's horrible.

They lick their hands. Where's the hand been?

Oh, it's so unsanitary.

Don't do that. That's unsanitary. So what I'm gonna show you how, and then I talk about different lubes and then you're like, well, what's the difference? So I'm gonna show you right now. First, I'm gonna start with water-based. This is pure water-based lube and this is women's formula. And this is good for people who have sensitivities. You're like, I don't know, I get rashes, things happen, it's weird. This is great, especially if you're using toys like silicone toys, it's great. And you want to use water-based because it's not going to break down the materials. I think it's pretty safe just to say like, and it's called Nude, and I love this brand. It's been around for 30 years and it just has a really good feel to it. You do have to reapply it more often as an all water-based, but just more like a safe bet. Okay, so then silicone lube, that's a whole different category. And I got to say, when lubes first Somewhere along the way, silicone lube got like a bad rap and I think it, I don't remember who, maybe there's someone like anti-silicone brigade or something and they're like, "No, it's horrible." But I'm telling you that it's a really, silicone lube lasts longer. So, here's the thing with silicone. It lasts longer, it's more moisturizing, and you just need a few drops. So, this is Uber Lube. I always talk about this. When I say lube on every nightstand, like, hello, put that in your nightstand. It's a beautiful glass bottle. No one has to know what it is if you're up, if you're worried about thing. And it's just, it's easy cuz you wanna pump. It's easy to pump. So you just need a few drops and you can use it with condoms, but you're supposed to be wary about using it on silicone toys, silicone toys, cuz it can break down the silicone over time. But also just make sure that you clean your toys as you should all the time. So this is not sticky, doesn't leave a residue. It's like really soft on your skin. And again, you don't have to like keep stopping and reapplying. And also we use it here in the office on our hair. It's like good for frizzies and flyaways. And it really only has one ingredient. So that's what's awesome and we love it. Flyaways, it works. I just used it before the show. How does my hair look?

Gorgeous.

And lube, I use it for lube. Finally, you guys, okay, Woo More Play. This is an oil-based lube, coconut oil. It's love oil, actually. I am obsessed with Woo More Play. It's organic personal lubricant, but it can also be used for massage like all over the body and it tastes amazing. It's all natural ingredients. And I just friggin' love this, you guys. Bump and Grind, Hanky Panky, Gettin' Busy, Lust and Thrust. So it's really, I mean, it has like vanilla extract, like it has, it just, and it's also like, it just, it smells amazing, it tastes great, it makes you want to have sex. You wanna massage with your partner, it tastes, it has like vanilla extract and it's just, I love it. You don't have to wash it off. Michelle uses it. And Michelle, Michelle, okay, this is what's, first of all, let me just say this. It is so sexy and you know Lauren and Michael, Do you know Lauren and Michael from Skinny Confidential? Of course, if you know them, they're the sexiest couple and they made this lube. So I was like, of course they make sexy lube and have sexy times. And I freaking love it. It's smooth, it smells amazing. Like I got this, they sent me one of their like testers when it first came out like a year ago. And I was using it with a guy and he was like, oh my God, that's all I ever wanna use again. So it just feels good and you can like massage each other, which I think we all need more touch and more massage anyway. And most of us, rush right through sex. So even for example, Liza who just called in, she's like, what can I do to get out of my rut? How do I spice it up? For you it might be, I just brought some massage oil, babe. Remember we used to massage each other? Or maybe you never did, but stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive, probably the number one killer. And if you can do something to put you both in the mood, like relax, like you put some of this love oil bad boy all over your body and your skin and like Michelle's rubbing herself. I'm like, I am. Just talking about it. So Michelle, one night we like sent her home to try some toys. And we gave her this and she's like, "Oh, sorry, I just used it and I had an orgasm without even using the toy." So, that's how good it feels and it's play. You play with your partner. So, that's what we got you guys. Oil, yeah, you have to be a little bit careful with condoms unless they're made out of an organic material and again, it rubs into your skin like a lotion so you feel really good and it leaves you feel soft and amazing. So, all of these are great choices. We've got Pure, Uber Lube silicone, and the Woo! More Play Coconut Love Oil. So you guys can check this all out on our site or call me with any lube questions. And just so you know, also Indiana University, we have to thank them for this study that said when you add just a few drops of lube to every sexual experience, women were 80% more likely to orgasm. So, what else do you need to know? I don't wanna be a pusher, but lube, it works. So, thanks. Bye, Instagram.

I think one of my favorite things about Woo! More Play is that after every time I use it, I don't feel the need to like wash up right after. It's that smooth sensation that I still feel on my skin. And yeah, like you said, it tastes so good.

It tastes so good.

It tastes so good.

It's like vanilla.

Yeah, and it's moisturizing. You put it on your hands and it's nice and moist.

I'm moisturizing it now.

You are.

So that's your little lube lesson 101 for all of you who have been asking about it. 'Cause I know for some people it's a new concept. Like they're just like, oh, lube, really? Like from the '90s when you get a drugstore, it's gross. You know, it's like, no. There's some really good innovations in all the sex things that exist for your pleasure.

Okay, let's talk to Lisa, 49, in California, because she wants to know if she should give her 16-year-old daughter a vibrator.

Hey, Lisa, how you doing?

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. Good question.

So, um, I am 49 years old, calling from California. I have 3 amazing babies. The middle one is a girl. Okay, run to the closet, run to my bedroom. I'm at home doing dishes.

Okay, so, okay, you take your moment, get, get cover.

Okay, I'm like running down the hallway. Okay, so I'm in the back of my closet now.

Okay, okay, perfect.

So I would like to be a progressive parent. All right, um, I came from the home that you just didn't talk about anything. I just found you 2 months ago. Um, I am absolutely addicted to you every day, Monday through Friday. So I thought to myself at 16, I had thoughts of sex, although I wasn't doing anything. And then it occurred to me, because my first boyfriend was a nightmare, um, that I should buy my daughter a vibrator to show her how— or introduce her to a vibrator and let her do her own thing to figure out how to pleasure herself before she becomes addicted to a boyfriend to give it to her. Yeah, I mean, is that Is that yes or no?

Okay, that's a maybe. So here's the thing, I think it's a good idea, but I would first talk to her about pleasure and masturbation and see if she already touches herself, if she already does it. To me, I would just want to make it a very comfortable, like, you know, that if you do, I just want to talk to you about self-pleasure and masturbation and self-love. Because if she's already doing it, just letting her know that it's okay and not shameful, she might be okay. She's like, okay, Mom, that's You know, so I think, and if she isn't, if you just hand her a vibrator and you're like, go to town, she might be confused too.

I don't know, but I'm gonna guess it's a no.

Okay, because that's how I was, but I wouldn't have known what to do because I never even heard about masturbation until I was like 20, and I was having sex, and I didn't know. It didn't occur to me for some reason. For many people it does. So we don't know yet about your daughter, so I think you just have to start saying, you know, I want to talk to you. I'm not— I just You know, did you masturbate, Lisa, as a kid? Do you have any stories? Okay, so you could tell her. Oh, you didn't? Okay.

No, I was completely like, no.

Right. Well, I think I didn't either.

I didn't have sex until I was 20, so I was pretty— yeah, I don't know, slow compared to everyone else.

Well, have you talked to her about, um, about pleasure at all yet, or masturbate? I'm sure you've probably talked to her about—

no, I have not.

Oh, not at all? Okay, she's 16. So this is— I would do this first, and I know it's uncomfortable, and you've been listening to the show, you know, but like, I think it's really just a matter of saying, I know this might be uncomfortable. I gotta talk to you about something. We haven't had the talk yet. I know you learned a lot about your friends, you know, from your friends or porn. She's probably seen porn. Like, you know, she's probably out there and just say what you might be missing is this, is that, you know, I don't want you to be going out there and doing things just so boys will like you and blowjobs or whatever. But I would— the part that's missing a lot is pleasure. And for women, the way that you really learn to, to know your body and to enjoy sex when it happens is to figure, is to figure out what feels good. And you can even show her, like, I wish we had this already, but like something like the clitoris, and you could pull up a diagram or a, there's a website called Scarleteen that has some good information for kids and be like, this is the clitoris. And she'll be like, ugh, mom, no, no. And I'd be like, no, like this won't be a one-time conversation, Lisa. But I think explaining that it's, that that's how she's gonna understand her pleasure. Um, Oh My God Yes, OMGYes.com is also a great site for young women. And it actually, you can like touch the screen and it shows, right? Is that what it is? You can like touch it and you can learn how to touch yourself by touching the screen and like figuring out masturbation techniques. So it's like, I think you could buy her vibrator, but not, not right away. Like, I think let's see how she reacts.

I like slow and progressive.

Slow and progressive.

Yep.

Keep it, keep it going. Like even if it's once a week, like you get her comfortable, she can come to mom. I think the big missing gap is about women and their pleasure and owning their sexuality because that's how they feel empowered when they're like, I know what an orgasm is and I know what I want and I know how to give it to myself and I'm not gonna wait for anybody else to fill me up, because I know how to make myself feel good. And it's, it's also a boost of confidence too. And it's good for us to know what feels good and to have orgasms. So start there.

I will do that, and I will call you back and say, you know, that's perfect.

Okay, Lisa, you know I'll be here, and I'm so glad you found the show. Thanks for calling, I really appreciate it.

James, who's 30 in Indiana, he wants to try anal with his wife, and she's not all the way on board.

All right, hey James, Hey, how we doing? Good, how you doing?

We're good.

Okay, good. Okay, tell me what's going on. Oh, is your wife there? You said we're good. Is she there?

Yeah, she's in, she's in the car with me. Oh hey, what's up? We're on our way. Uh, well, I'm on— I'm not on speaker at the moment. She's just kind of listening along with me.

Oh, I want her on speaker. Can you go on speaker? I need her. It'll be so much easier, James.

I'm gonna save you a step.

She doesn't feel comfortable.

Okay, she has just— I wanted to listen because then I'm gonna save a step. For you.

Okay.

Why would you tap that? Explain. You gotta explain to her. Let's just do it together. Knock this out.

All right.

And we gotta go to break in 3 minutes, so— 4 minutes.

Okay, that works.

All right.

Hey, James. Hey, wife. Um, just nod. No, hey. Okay, so your question is—

So my question is, is I'm on board to try anal, but my wife is not fully comfortable with it.

Okay, makes sense. Very common. So why is she not comfortable with it? She's never done— I'm gonna assume either she hasn't done it before Or she had a bad experience. Okay, got it. Makes sense. Most of what we hear is that it's painful, it hurts. She probably had a friend in college who pooped all over herself. I don't ever say the word pooped. I don't like shit either.

I don't say something messy happened in a situation I don't want to be in, right?

Okay, that's why. Or it's taboo, or it's just an area for exiting, or it's gonna hurt, she's gonna hate it, and whatever, whatever. Yeah, get that. So that's a lot of the fear around it, and she's never done it. It's a new— it's a new area, and it's very taboo. So, here's the thing, for many women it is really pleasurable. It can feel great if you do it right and you do it slow. So, the most important, my best anal, beginner anal advice is when you guys are fooling around, having sex and playing around, just to kind of explore with a finger. Have you done that yet?

A little bit, not too much.

Alright, so that's where you start, a pinky finger and lube. So, get some silicone lube. We love Pure, P-U-R-E. Go to our website. And get some good lube. And you just use a few drops on your finger and you start to rub on the outside of it, warm her up, because there's a lot of nerve endings on the outside of the anus, right? You rub around, see how that feels, and then, wife, you can report back and be like, oh, good or bad. Go slow. Maybe one night, just your pinky all the way in and out, and then you see how that feels, you know? And then you just make sure that she's relaxed, and then you could, then you could try it. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, that worked.

Then you could try and see how that is, and then you could get a toy, then you could use your penis. Tries some positions, and the most important thing is for her to breathe, relax, to already be aroused. So it helps for her to have an orgasm already, like have a clitoral orgasm, or have sex first, or intercourse, I mean. And like, she just comes already because then she's more turned on, she's in her body. And then for many women, they can actually have pleasure through it because your penis, if you have anal, will stimulate her G-spot indirectly. For some women, that's really pleasurable.

Yeah, right. And then my thing is, I don't— like, we, you know, with the situation that, you know, we want to try it and we just We don't know, you know, what's the best way to position ourselves to get all the way, you know, fully aroused.

Right. Okay. To get it fully inside, you mean what position? Well, there's a few different positions. I think a good beginner position is with, um, like she, you think it's doggy style, but I don't think that's the most, but when she's, when she's like spooning, when like the spooning position. So if she's like lying on her side, and then you're coming in from the side, you know, spooning, but your penis is doing— you're not just cuddling, there's more than that. So yeah, so then that way she can still control it, the depth penetration. You can go slow, it's still really intimate. You can be kissing her, kind of checking in with how it's going, you know, she kind of pulls her knees up. Yeah, just play around with that. Um, or missionary. Missionary is great too, with a pillow underneath her pelvic area to lift her up a bit.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, it's kind of hard because I'm a 6-foot, uh, 4 guy and she's like a 5'2" woman, so it's a little bit different.

Yeah, no, I got you, dude, but I've been there, you know what I mean? It all works out when you're laying down. You're all right, it all figures out. Use some pillows. Okay, thanks a lot, guys, for calling.

Let's talk to Vanessa. She's 45 in Arizona and she wants to know how to initiate sex when she's tired.

Oh, Vanessa, hi. That's tough, right?

That's the last thing. Can you hear me?

Yes, I got you.

Okay.

Hi.

Well, hi. The thing is, is that when I'm tired, it's like I'm doing like the cooking and the cleaning up at the end of the night. And, um, um, you know, just come home from work, go right into cooking and stuff, and then picking up, making lunches, and he just sits here. And then I think like By the time I get to the room and I'm laying down, I don't really want to initiate.

Of course not. That sounds exactly—

because I'm tired.

Well, does he ask— is he initiated? Is your husband partner?

No, I think he knows that I'm tired. He doesn't really initiate. Like, his initiation is, is like rubbing on my boob or something like that.

Sorry, I think it's such a trigger for me. Don't rub my nipples right away. He likes morning sex. Why don't you—

no, like, then I go to sleep and then I all initiate in the morning because I'm, you know, I'm wide awake and I'm not tired anymore. But how can I get him to, like, help me out and then now want to initiate and have sex?

Yeah, well, exactly. This— okay, so this isn't really about sex. We need your husband to help you out around the house with the kids and the family. You're in resent phase. You're like, you don't even want to have sex with him, he's not helping with anything. I see, but you're a giver. You're like such a good caretaker, Vanessa. You have the kids and the thing, and then you're calling me and you're saying, how can I initiate? When really we need him to friggin' take care of the kids and empty the dishwasher and help you with dinner and do the dishes and give you a back rub before he grabs your boob. Like, that's what we need.

Like, I did say to him like last night, because I was doing laundry and cleaning up and washing dishes and doing laundry at night, and then I was like, I got 10 different hats on right now. I can't, you know, I gotta go get my own phone. Nobody's gonna get my, my phone from the living room for me, you know. And then he kind of maybe got the hint a little bit, but I don't want to initiate anything just because, you know, I'm tired.

Have you guys been together, Vanessa? Vanessa, how long have you guys been together?

Uh, 19.

19 years. Okay, Vanessa, this sounds—

and then he'll say like, oh, the kids, the kids help you, have the kids help you. And I'm like, No, no. Yeah, he mopped the floor, he would look like a little bit more sexier to me.

Vanessa, you've settled into this role of— that is your thing, is you're angry at your husband and you've been angry at him a long time for not helping. But then you're in this comfortable, you know, being the caretaker and the, the, you know, provider, um, of love and support in the family is not— yeah, Vanessa, you know this, right? Like, you gotta get— you guys got to go into therapy. You got to figure out if this is going to go the distance or not. You haven't communicated with them in a long time, and there's some way you've kind of— or not enjoying, but your identity is around being the, the victim in your relationship. And I'm saying this in a loving way, but I feel that this has been in your story. If we've been friends for a while, like, I think this has been happening a long time, right?

Mm-hmm.

So yeah, Vanessa, I mean, that's tough because I doubt— like, yeah, so I feel like We gotta do something different.

Once I get into it, like, once I get into the mood of doing it, then I'm like, like, why, why did I not have sex like yesterday? Because it's so great, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know, I appreciate you.

No, I mean, you weren't even asking about that. I can just feel it, Vanessa. I just want you to, like, I just want you to talk with him, maybe. I mean, here's the thing, let me get— let me think of the positive side, Vanessa. Maybe he wants more. Maybe if you, there's something that you guys can exchange here. Cause sex is an exchange of energy, right? And maybe there's a way that he's like, well, you're not initiating sex or we're not having enough sex. So it doesn't make me want to help. But I got to tell you, if you guys like, like, you know, you could just let them know how, you know, I'm sure you have told them, but if you're like, you've gotten to the point where you're so angry that having a lighthearted conversation about like, when you do the housework, it makes me want to go down on you or makes me want to have sex with you. It turns me on. You know what you should do? Go to take the love language quiz. It takes 2 minutes and it's a great place for couples to start. I'm guaranteeing that your acts of service and you might be words of affirmation, like you, meaning you want him to do things for you and he's not doing it so you don't feel loved and attracted to him. And he might want you to give him a back rub or buy him gifts. There's 5 love languages. We can put it in the show notes or just Google 5 love language quiz. And that's what I can help you with tonight. But I'm here every single night, Vanessa. So, Choose one thing and do it differently tonight. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. Oh, it's 5lovelanguages.com. Thank you, sweetie. Have a good night. Thanks for calling, Vanessa. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we're gonna get into your calls.

Let's talk to Josh, 31, in South Carolina, and he wants to know how to have another erection right after orgasm.

All right. Hey, Josh, how you doing? Okay, good. All right, so tell me what— so you want to tell me what's going on?

Well, me and my wife, we do our business and then she's ready to go again and I'm not.

Yeah, you know, it can be more challenging for men, the refractory period. You know, it takes you a little bit longer to get hard again. So what you could do is you could, um, She might have to, right after you ejaculate, take the pressure off yourself. She could start to kind of tease you again and play with you and kind of get you turned on again. You could go down on her for a while. It might take you a little bit longer to get hard again, but you could practice it. You could also practice it, you know, prostate orgasms can also help you orgasm without ejaculating if that's what you're into. So really it's about, yeah, there's also like a tantric practice where men don't actually ejaculate. They have orgasms orgasms without ejaculating. That's a much more advanced practice. But I— yeah, I mean, that's really it. You just got to be patient and maybe just get turned on again, you know. But women can keep going because we could have multiple orgasms, one on top of the next one next. So I would like ride that with her, and then— and then, yeah. Have you tried any of those things? Right? Yeah.

Uh, no. I know in the past when we first got together before we got married, it was, uh not an issue because you're a little bit older now.

That's why. Were you like 25?

Uh, something like that.

Yeah, that's the last time I had that with a guy too. He was 25, 24. He kept going out like 3 times in a row. I was like, really? But I'm sorry to tell you, Josh, the older we get, just doesn't happen like that. So it's really a matter about just being patient, getting turned on, getting her off, and then coming back to it. You could also try tantric practice, prostate. Yeah, that's what I got to say. Try it out. All right, Josh, thanks for calling Sex with Emily. I appreciate it. We'll talk to you soon.

So Karen, who's 42 in California, has a question about the intensity of orgasms.

Oh, okay. Hi, Karen. Thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? Hey, I'm so good.

Thanks. I have a question. I'm great, thank you. I have a question. You know how sometimes orgasms are good and then sometimes they're off the chart?

Yep.

When— what causes that? And when I have the ones that are off the chart, it sounds crazy, but I see lightning bolts in my, my eyes when they're— when my eyes are closed. Is that something I should be concerned about?

No, no, it's just like energy. And no, I, I don't think you should. I think that sounds amazing. I think that, you know, we see certain patterns and colors and lights. And no, I don't think you should concerned about it, but you tell me what's happening during the times when you're having those intense orgasms, because it's different for everybody, right? So is there more foreplay? Are you more relaxed? Are you in a different position? Are you with a partner? Are you alone? Like, tell me more.

I think it's, it's, it's, um, kind of all of the above. If for sure, if my partner goes, my husband goes orally, yes. Or if he uses a toy, But sometimes you do that and they're just like, okay, that was it. But sometimes they're like, whoa. And I thought, okay, something wrong with my brain.

Oh no, no, no. Well, it's also different times of month, like different times of month. We are, um, our hormones levels shift. So it could be our orga— we might be more able to be aroused and turned on and orgasmic. And then other times a month, like it just, it just changes. I mean, that's what I, I have to think that it's probably just being a woman and how our body's changing all the time. And if you can't place a different, you know, a time or place, that's, you know, but I think it's next time maybe you have, um, have one, think about it. You're like, why was it so good? And then you might realize though, actually, oh, I was breathing a lot deeper this time, or oh, he went down on me for 20 minutes and then we had sex, or I was fantasizing more. So maybe next time it happens, think about it. And then, because I think that we can actually train ourselves or learn to have whatever kind of orgasms we want, actually. Um, if we really pay attention to our body and we pay attention to like, that's why I want people to masturbate and to like breathe and play with different touches and movements and toys. So I think do experimenting and playing with yourself and with your partner will help you realize what those come from. But if you're not, you know, I think it's really nothing, nothing to worry about at all. It's just, they're always a little bit different. Some months your periods are bad, sometimes they're not. You're orgasm— as soon as you're turned on, you're not. So that's how it is. But I'm glad you're having intense and then just really good orgasms. That's amazing.

Yeah, I definitely think there— I definitely think the more— like you always say, it takes time for women— when there's more playfulness and kissing and touching and all that ahead of time instead of just like, you know, come on, let's jump in it like quickie.

Oh, for sure.

The longer intense play is when those wow ones—

Well, there you go. You got it, Karen. So that's— I agree with you. So we— because women, you know, I think it's just important, like, it's like my public service announcement. Like, if you are worried your partner doesn't want sex, they're not turned on, women, we, we require foreplay. Not a suggestion. It's actually a requirement for us to get turned on because it's, it's also how our body works. Like, we need to like tune up. We gotta start like revving up the machinery. I feel like a lawnmower, like, you know, like we're like slow cookers, right? So men are like frying pans, so we need some time to warm up. So if you just come into sex quickly and we're like, I wasn't even turned on yet, like, I literally wasn't turned on, I didn't know you were coming. So we need that. And then the anticipation, and then the teasing. Sometimes when you, when you're teasing, and just whenever the more you can draw out all the playfulness before sex, I think we're gonna have stronger orgasms. For sure. More pleasure.

Awesome.

Yeah. Okay, thanks, Karen.

I'm here for you.

Thank you for sharing. Thanks, Karen. Thanks for calling.

All right, let's take this email that came in because I like this one.

Okay.

Okay, this is from Rachel who's 47 in Idaho. She says, I'm recently divorced, so is the man I've been seeing for about 2 months. Both realize we aren't ready for the long-term relationship, but we found friendship in one another and felt like the sex would be good. He pursued me relentlessly for 2 months I loved every minute of the attention. We finally had sex. We talked about it several weeks before, communicated likes, dislikes, bucket lists, all of that. Well, the sex was mediocre at best, which I was okay with because it's been a long time since either of us had sex and there was a lot of buildup. But since then, he hasn't really called or texted. He usually texts me good morning, good night. I feel like the pursuit is over and now I'm feeling weird. It wasn't meant to be a one-nighter. How do we move forward from this?

All right, so I just wanna know what, okay, there was a part of this email though. Okay, so here's the thing, right? That Jamie, I read this and I thought, okay, so he's not, she hasn't heard from him and it wasn't, so the sex was mediocre. And that's just the part I wanna key in on. We don't know why you haven't heard from him, why it was mediocre. Like he might not be reaching out 'cause he thought you weren't into it. And I think that you cannot judge a relationship on the first time you have sex with someone. And I don't, I think this is something that's really important for you guys to understand that the first time you're out with someone and you kiss them, even the second time you have sex, it's awkward, it's new. It's very rare that it's like the amazing best sex ever. And sometimes it's even like awkward and stumbly, and maybe someone's nervous. A lot of people are nervous the first time, but this is the kind of stuff you could work on. Like, maybe not forever, like I'm not saying you need to go out with them 100 more times, but I bet if you, Rachel, go out with him one more time and follow up with him and you try it again and you're just like, me, seems like you guys have been great communicators and he was pursuing you. The thing I don't love here is that I can't tell, is like, he pursued me for 2 months and then all of a sudden we had sex and I was gone. Like, he's not following up as much.

That I don't like, depending on what— but he could just be really embarrassed because who knows what happened, right?

Exactly. So if he's embarrassed, that could be it too. I'm telling you guys, I think I don't like the game playing. If you don't hear from someone and you wanna hear from 'em, like, figure it out. Just call and get your answer. Like, be like, should we meet up again? Should we not talk about the sex? Like, here's what doesn't fricking make sense. If you go to him, let's say you went to a concert. Let's say you bought him tickets to a concert, Rachel, for example. And then you went to the concert and it was a really bad concert, right? And he was like, let's say, you know, he really judged you on the music and he was like, God, that was bad. But maybe you guys would, no, back up. Maybe you left the concert. It was a bad concert. You would talk about the music. First of all, you'd be like, You could let him know, well, I love this band, but you're right, this wasn't that great either. I didn't think so. And then you talk about it. Maybe you loved it, Rachel, and he didn't. You would review it. You would talk about it. You probably wouldn't judge on someone's music alone. You'd be like, oh, maybe there's another concert to go to. But you would review the activity that you did that evening. If you went to a movie with someone, if you went to a restaurant. But if you have sex with someone and it's awkward and weird, we all like tiptoe around it. I say Rachel calls him and say, hey, yeah, that was kind of an awkward thing, weird sex. I thought it was, but I loved our time out and I think we should try it again. Like, why is that a weird thing to say? You just exchanged bodily fluids, may perhaps, probably touched each other, you insertion, very intimate act. Why can't we just call her? Why can't you just call and talk about it? And maybe like, oh no, that wasn't it, I actually got back together with my ex. Or I'm so glad you called, I thought you would never want to see me again. We never know why people don't call or why they do this, so just find out. You're not always gonna get the answer, but yeah.

Do you find that when there is an awkward sexual experience that if you're feeling that way, the other person probably is too?

I think so, yeah. I think that if someone's feeling that way, if it was super awkward, that someone else is too. So if it was awkward but totally doable, like if someone comes too fast the first time or if someone can't orgasm or you've, You get weird in the middle because you're nervous about something. Like, I think if there was still a connection, sex can make people do weird things. So sex can make you not be your best self when you're with someone new. So yes, I absolutely do think that.

And then, um, what about people that do pursue really, really hard and then drop off though?

Yeah, okay, you guys, there is a trait. I have to tell you this, I think watch out for the people, men or women, that pursue you so hard Like I found that to be a red flag. Like these are the ones that usually crash and burn. Like if someone's coming on so strong and they're like, they won't let go, they keep emailing and texting and calling and pursuing and pursuing, pursuing. Typically, A, they don't really even know who you are. They're just attracted to the idea they have of you. And there is a certain, like, I just want to win this person, not even consciously, but I find that he's just coming out of divorce, this guy too. He's pursuing her really hard. I'm sure you're coming out of, you said you're coming out of divorce as well. The problem why this is tricky and why we often, believe me, I've gone out with men who've pursued me really hard. I've done this a lot in times, but I, I'm telling you in my history or dated them, you can see that it's usually kind of dysfunctional and it's not really about you. It's that they like the chase. You like the attention. But the reason why it's hard to spot and why we fall into it, like I have, we love the attention. Feels so good to be pursued. It feels so good when someone's like, I'm so into you and I can't wait to see you. And like, you know, especially if you, you're interested in them. It just feels good. But that's another thing that we tend to not see, that that act can actually be a red flag.

Is there a way in the moment that you can address, instead of like calling later, like, hey, the sex, like, or whatever, like, sex was awkward, or something, whatever happened, like, can you just address it afterwards? Be like, hey, just so that you can get it out in the air, like, I'm cool with it.

You mean like let it, um, get on the open right after it in the bedroom? Because you're saying I can't, or in general?

Well, yeah, because I mean, if you're like right after it happens and it finishes, you're both probably sitting there with the awkward look on your face.

I think that's when you're allowed to talk about it in the bedroom. If it's an awkward look and you guys are both like, yeah, that was kinda weird, how are you feeling about it? I think that's okay, yes. Even though I always say talk outside the bedroom, if it's just like a new person you're with, you'll know when it's right to talk about it in the bedroom. But if you leave there and you both can't look into each other's eyes 'cause it was so awkward, I think you just got, we all have to stop worrying so much about what other people are gonna think and just say date stuff in the moment in that way. Like, it's so true. I'm feeling this is awkward. Do you feel this date is awkward? Like, I've just started calling stuff out. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, but like, let's just call it. And then how great to find out if you're wrong rather than harboring all these things and trying to figure out so many things on our own. All right guys, hope you enjoyed the show. Let me know what you think of it. What topics would you like to hear? And send me your questions. Always thanks to my amazing team: Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.

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