Why Your Partner's Sexual Past Is Haunting Your Present

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There's some people who get off on hearing their partner's past history. Or they just like to know it. They like to understand where their partners come and they can kind of separate it. And they're like, okay, good to know. And then there's other people like Ben who's like, I can't stop thinking about all these other partners and it's making me feel insecure. And now I find myself having these unwilling judgments against my partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. The hotlines are ringing and we are answering. Today, producer Eric and I are diving into all your juicy questions, from navigating discomfort around a partner's sex sexual history to finding a third for a threesome. We're also discussing how to prioritize solo sex during stressful times like divorce and tackling premature ejaculation when you've been building arousal all day. Today's callers are asking the real questions. How do you get past intrusive thoughts about your partner's past relationships? What's the best way to find like minded people for group play? And how do you restart your relationship with pleasure when life feels overwhelming? My intention is to remind you that sexual satisfaction isn't one size fits all. Whether that's exploring new relationship dynamics, working through sexual challenges, or simply reconnecting with your own body during difficult transitions. Every question deserves a thoughtful answer. And Every person deserves to feel confident in their sexual choices. All right, let's dive into your calls. This is from Ben. He's 64 in California.

My girlfriend is a 48 year old female. We've been dating for about a year. I was in a long term marriage, 20 plus years and then divorced and was single for two years prior to meeting my girlfriend. She was in a marriage for 12 years and then she was single for 13 years before meeting me. My question is about her past dating life and I know this is my issue, but I need help getting over it. She told me about her past relationships. I asked her not to, but she wanted me to know about her. And she told me over the course of her 13 years of being single, she had 12 or 13 different relationships. She told me about having a fuck buddy. She told me having one night stands. She told me a story about basically planning first date sex and then it didn't work out. And these weren't all sitting in one session telling me the stories, but they just came up over the course of the first few months of our relationship. Telling stories about herself. I'm having a hard time getting over it. When I'm with her, it's not an issue at all. But when I'm not with her and my mind starts wandering, I keep thinking about all of these different relationships we had. I'm wondering if our age difference is part of that. There's no other issue in our relationship because of our age difference. We have a fantastic relationship and our sex life is wonderful. I'm just wondering if it's normal for a woman in her 30s and 40s to have so many relationships and so much casual sex or. Well, I do know it's my issue, so I just like to throw it out there. And if you can give me some tips on how I can just get over this because I love this woman dearly. Thank you, Emily.

Ben, you're so thoughtful and self aware and I'm sure you are a wonderful partner. Few things here. I like that you brought up the part about the age difference because I do think there's a generational thing going on here. It is a different time now, Ben. Women really are playing around more, they're experiencing more. They're not feeling this pressure that they have to just be in a relationship or jump into a relationship when they're young. And I advise people to actually take time to learn their bodies, what feels good to them before we jump into a relationship with somebody where we're not compatible in a lot of ways. And Specifically sexually. So I think that's one, one thing that is a little bit different now. We do have listeners all over the country, all over the world. It definitely varies from place to place. Some places are more conservative and people are marry young and stay with someone. But overall, I have to say that there is more experimenting going on right now. It is pretty common for men and women, a lot of people I know, to have more partners than they might have 20, 30 years ago. I just want you know that it's nothing about her character. Like, I don't, you know, maybe your mind's thinking, oh, she's really advanced or she's really slutty, or does she have a sex problem? Like, I don't think so at all. I'm telling you, this is more common and I like that she was out there understanding herself, especially after being in a long term marriage. So the other thing here is, I know you said you asked her not to tell you and she did. So that's something that I would address here because maybe she needs to understand that if you make a request like that, you really like don't want to hear it. Because I've heard this go both ways and it's pretty much split down the middle. There's some people who get off on hearing their partner's past history or they just like to know it. They like to understand where their partners come from and they can kind of separate it and they're like, okay, good to know. And then there's other people like Ben who's like, I can't stop thinking about all these other partners and it's making me feel insecure. And now I find myself having these unwilling judgments against my partner. And so I would just let her know that this has been hard for you. I think it's okay to share this with her and say that it's something that you're working on. You understand that this is a you thing and not a her thing. But maybe she could just limit the conversation about it. You asked her in the past and you just really don't want to hear about it. What you would love to do is spend more time focusing on your relationship, maybe talking about your own sex life. But you don't necessarily want to hear things from the past. The thing about what to do about these intrusive thoughts that you don't want to have, the best way to handle that is to practice replacing those thoughts with more positive, helpful images or stories. So every time you start to have one of these thoughts, you could say, you know, What I'm going to focus on what I really cherished about my girlfriend. I'm going to focus on our sex life. I'm going to focus on the things that make me feel, feel really good about our sex life. And then I'm gonna maybe even think about what I want in the future, what else we could do together. So you're filling your brain up with feel good memories and thoughts and you're actually working to enhance the relationship you're in now. This is a practice, this is a spiritual practice and it takes some time, but you could even keep a list of notes in your phone that say the things that you love about your girlfriend, things about your sex life, things about. So you can just start the practice of replacing with more helpful thoughts.

I know a lot of people have problems with their partner's past sexual histories, but just in trying to think about the other side, just like any other part of your life, you want your new partners to get to know you in the fullest possible sense of like telling stories from your childhood or just telling them things about your life. And I feel like if you are someone who's had a lot of sexual experiences and you want to do that with your new partner, I think I would have a hard time not sharing those things. But if my partner told me that it made them uncomfortable, then I think I would have to respect that.

Well, I like that because there's a nuance to it. So there's. Yeah, I had, you know, a few relationships before us and this is what happened to them and this is why we broke up. So I think it's okay to tell some things. But I don't know how much detail she gave him. But it sounds like she got really specific. Like I even wanted a one night stand and it didn't work out. And so I think being just clear in a case by case basis with every partner with about what they want to know. Because I'm with you, I do want my partners to know everything. I'm like, here's my history and my childhood, what's happened. But I can also suss out my partners and know like, I'm not going to tell you about this crazy threesome I had unless you asked me about the threesomes I had. So I don't volunteer it. I think the best way is just to kind of say like, I've had relationships, here's what they meant and here's where I am now. So I think you got to baby step, reveal information while also being a good like you Got to read your partner's cues, and you got to say, are you. I always ask partners, are you okay with this? Are you okay if I share it? Because I've just learned that, again, it's split. Some partners want to know everything, and some partners just can't get it out of their head. So sounds like Ben probably does want to hear everything out. Perhaps he wants to hear a lot of other things, but in this particular area, because of his conditioning, because of the way Ben, maybe you grew up. It was like it was a different time. People just didn't sleep around. They didn't have multiple partners. And so it's just a new way of understanding human sexuality as it is today in 2023.

I know you've talked about having partners that you would want to have threesomes with and then some partners you're like, oh, no. For our relationship, I'd rather just keep it the two of us. If you were to talk about a past threesome you had or something, and you're sussing out your partner, would the partner you wouldn't tell be the same as the partner you wouldn't have a threesome with, or does that not necessarily align?

I don't think they correlate. But it's interesting because we do get a lot of emails from people like, my partner had a threesome before, and they won't have a threesome now. So I think that there are some partners I think that might really want a lot of threesomes, but they don't necessarily want to know what you've done in the past. Maybe they'd say, have you ever had a threesome? And you say, yes, but they might not get into all the details. So I think it's color specific. Exactly what color was the hair? Where'd you meet them? Did you give a blow job? Did they go down on you? For how long? What kind of orgasm, you know? And again, I have been partners who want to know everything, and some were like, nope, I don't want to know. So I don't think there's a correlation between someone being really sexually adventurous and wanting threesomes and wanting to try a bunch of things and the partner that wants to know everything. Also, this brings up this conversation that we get asked a lot about just body count in general, which I don't even like that term because it's been making it sound like, how many people have you, like, killed? They equate sex to, like, murder, basically. But I just don't think you ever have to feel pressured into sharing anything with your partner about your sex life if you don't want to. So I'm just kind of talking about the other side of it that a lot of times we get pressured from our partners to say, like, what. What happened? Tell me all about it. And if you don't feel comfortable doing it, you're allowed to say, you know what? I just really want to focus on the sex that we're having right now and talk about what we're both into, but doesn't make me feel great to talk about the past. So that's the other side of it, too. Just. It's always okay to say what you do want to hear, what you don't want to hear. You get to decide in every situation. But, for example, Erica, if you were with somebody who's like, I don't want to hear it first, you can ask them why. Tell me more about that. What is it about hearing about my past that doesn't feel good to you? I'm just curious. Remember, it's always great to get curious, because maybe if Ben's girlfriend said, what is it that you don't? Why don't you want to know? He would have said, I don't know if I could handle it. I don't know if hearing about your past would feel good to me, because then if I was his girlfriend, I'd be like, oh, got it.

Because then she could still keep her pastor herself, but say, hey, I want to try these things with you.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then for you, Erica, if your partner said that, you could ask them, why don't you want to know? Tell me more about that. And then you could say, okay, well, I just like you to know about relationships I've been in and what happened. Like, I found that in my past, my partners were always really controlling. It's really important in a relationship to have an equal power dynamic. For example, you could ask, would you be open to hearing about what I've learned in relationships? You could get more specific about it, because maybe they go, yeah, I love psychology. I just want to hear about your sex life.

Right. That feels so powerful to have those conversations out in the open.

Yeah, I think they all should be in the open. It would serve us so well to just check in, get specific so we know that we're not going to hurt our partner's feelings while also being able to strengthen a relationship. Thank you, Ben. Let us know how it goes. This is from an anonymous male, 35, in California. Hello.

And my wife actually showed me this podcast and you know, I'm a huge fan of it. I love the positivity. I love how you break everything down. And I just want to tell you about what's going on with me recently. So my wife is very open sexually. She pretty much anything, any role play I want to try, any sex act I would like to perform or something, she's open to it. So I say because of this, I pretty much think of scenarios or situations pretty much all day. In doing so, my member actually becomes, like, sensitive or tingly. So when it comes time to actually perform the act, I finish quicker than I would like to. My wife is very polite about it. She never has an issue with it. She never really said anything about it. Typically, we start with oral, and she usually has an orgasm. So that might help the situation a little bit, you know, on her end. However, on my end, I just, one, feel a little embarrassed that, you know, this is happening. And two, you know, I would like it just to be longer just from, like, the buildup of, you know, thinking about it all day. We've been together for eight years, and early in the relationship, when we would have sex, my wife would actually say that it lasted too long. So I don't know if I subconsciously, like, I have been thinking about that. I don't really know what to do in this situation because it's becoming more frequent that this is happening. And, you know, it's just a little embarrassing. I don't. I know you usually don't say medication. I know I'm 35 now. I don't know if that's old or not, but it's. I don't know if this would be the time to start looking into pills or anything like that. It's not like an erection thing. Literally, when I'm thinking about it, it feels like I'm edging almost all day. And so when I actually perform the app, it just happens a little quicker than I'd like to. So any help would be great. Thanks, Em.

Well, this is a really interesting question because a lot of times when men come too quickly, it usually is going on most of their life. It's rare that they last too long and then they don't last long enough. This is a different scenario. It sounds like your wife's having pleasure and you're having pleasure. And so the thing that's missing here, healthy conversation with your wife outside the bedroom about, let's talk about our sex life. How's it going for you doing the sexual state of the union? A little check in and then you can just say, I've been feeling like I might be coming too quickly. And I think about that a lot. What's your take on it? What do you think? So I think if she's like, babe, I swear to God, I want it over with, I have my orgasm. Then, you know, we don't want to create problems where there aren't problems, which is what we tend to do a lot when we don't have check ins with our partners. Also, you're saying that you're. It's going quickly. I'm wondering how quick it is. Is it a minute, is it five minutes, is it 10 minutes? Because the average sex act between a man and a woman lasts between, I think it's like six to 10 minutes. I think for many of us we'd like it to be a little bit longer because we know vulva owners take longer to orgasm. But not all. Especially if she's getting off right away. I would gather more information about it. The second thing is like you're edging all day. You literally are edging all day, meaning you are getting aroused and then you're bringing it back down. You're not letting yourself have an orgasm. And edging is actually a really powerful tool for people to feel a real heightened arousal and a real intense orgasm. When we sort of bring ourselves up to the point of orgasm, bring it back down. Because that is one of the tips I give people for lasting longer too. So you can understand your ejaculatory control. But for you, it sounds like it's going over before you want it to. So I'm wondering if there's some other things that you could do to prolong it when you're with her. Like maybe she goes down on you first, gives you a blowjob, then you go down on her. I'm guessing here that you orgasm during penetration quicker than you want to. So. So maybe role play lasts, you know, a little bit longer and there is more of a buildup. I'm not sure that there's a problem here. And no, I'm not a fan of medication. I do like promescent, which you might want to try. It's a delay spray that helps men last 60% longer in bed if they put it on like 10 to 15 minutes before sex. It doesn't transfer to your partner if you wait. And it just allows you to last longer with a little bit of numbing, but not too much numbing that you don't feel anything. So that could be one thing you could try. But first I want you to gather more information and have a healthy conversation about sex. This whole, like, lasting longer is a case by case basis. Like, everything was sex. I can't unilaterally say that every person on the planet wants sex to last longer. In fact, many people want it to be a lot quicker than it is. It doesn't have to always be long, but there is a certain value placed on this lasted longer and bad thing. And like a lot of things around sex, I hear this, that's out there, but what's actually true for me? What do I want? What feels good for me?

Well, first of all, I think that's super hot. But he's that aroused thinking about his partner all day.

I really do love that you have this really active, healthy sex life with your wife.

What can that say about dirty talk and like, foreplay outside the bedroom?

This question is inspiration for other people right now. This is the sign to send your partner a sext, a sexy text. What you're thinking about, what you want to do to them. You can't wait till they get home. These are all the little things that help build our arousal, enhance our connection with our partner. When I say foreplay all day, these are the kind of things I'm thinking about. So to me, it feels like this is a good gig you got going here. But I would get more information about the lasting longer. And then once we find out what she says, you can always circle back and we can go from there.

For all the couples who might want to try sexting throughout the day, but that hasn't been something that they've done. I feel like that's a really hard thing to start fresh, one with a new partner. But two, if you've been with a partner for a certain amount of time and that hasn't been your dynamic or something you do. How do you start that up from scratch?

Yeah, I love that. That's a great note. Because some people, like, people tell me they listen to the show and then they try a new move, and their partner's like, where did you learn that? Are you cheating on me? Right. So where does this sexting come from? So you could bring it up over a dinner. You don't have to send it right now because maybe you'd have to explain why all of a sudden you're not talking about the shopping list or who's driving the kiddo from soccer, but you're talking about their penis. So they'll be like, who took my partner and stole their phone? I love this as a conversation to have Next time you're having your conversations about sex and say, would you be into sexting? I kind of thought it'd be hot because I was at work and I was thinking about how hot it was last night when you were grabbing my ass. How would you have felt if you got a text from me today at work and then suss it out? You have the permission now or you have the go ahead. And your partners might be even expecting you to send that sext. Now, if you are with someone new and you're not sure if they're into it, I think the same rules apply. Say, would you be into this? Or I was thinking about you. Oh, my God, I stopped myself. Brian was sexted you yesterday because I couldn't stop thinking about you. And then if they're like, you should have, you can be like, really? That's the thing about sexting is that if we don't know someone very well or they're not used to it, what if they're using the phone for work? You just gotta check in because it's not for everybody. But I have found once we clear all the permission hurdles, that sexting is a really fun way to stay connected, enhance intimacy, get yourself both aroused and turn on for the next time you're together. And it's also a fun way to sort of explain. Explain what you want, what you're looking forward to, so your partner already knows, like, oh, that's really cool. You liked when I did that. Or this is what's gonna happen when we see each other next. So it's a fun way to sort of have conversations that might be harder to have in person.

And for any of you who are like, I don't know what the hell to say over text, we have a sexting guide on our site with scripts.

I love our sexting guide. I'm glad you brought that up. You guys have to check it out. It's a free guide like all of our guides and just go download it. We've got the emojis to use. We've got how to say it, when to say it. We'll link it in the show notes. But if you want to get your hands on it now it's sex with emily.com guides.

Get on it, guys. It's so good.

Thanks, Anonymous. We appreciate you. This is from Bianca. She's 26 in Florida.

My question is, my partner and I would like to explore into having a threesome. We've talked about what we agree on, what we don't agree on. Now the question is We've downloaded a few apps that we've heard of to meet someone, but I don't really think we actually find someone now. We haven't really been at this for quite long, but we've been kind of searching maybe for two months or so. And I'm not saying I'm picky, but you know, things happen and they just decide not to meet with us or whatever the case may be. Do you have any recommendations of where I can go and either a meet someone you know at a bar or something or do you recommend an application that you are aware about and maybe I'm not. Any suggestions and tips are greatly appreciated. We are looking forward to explore this fantasy for myself and he's looking forward to it as well. Thank you so much and appreciate any feedback.

Bye Bianca, thank you so much for your question. And we do get this question a lot more lately than we used to, which I love. And I think that means that everyone's opening up now to more sexual experiences. They're willing to try new things. They realize that the world is going in that direction. For some people, monogamy we know, isn't just a one size fits right all. So I love this. I do get though it's hard to find a third person because that's more fraught. You meet someone random at the bar, it could be more dramatic. You don't know if they're being safe. Maybe they're friends with your boss. I don't know. Just it's hard in your, you know, towns can be small, you know, in every town. I don't know exactly where you are in Florida, but in most towns now you could find play parties. And play parties are basically parties where there's always different rules but you have to apply. A lot of times it's couples and single women. Although I do hope that's changing and opening to everybody. And there's usually a higher vetting process. And then in these parties you go to, you know that there's people there who are more open minded and people do play, people do have sex there. People find a third whether they're looking for a man or a woman or they want to swap in their relationship. And there's also no requirement. When you go to one of these parties, it's not like you show up and you have to play. Maybe your kink is being a voyeur or an exhibitionist. And so there's really all kinds of fantasies that you can live out in these parties. For some couples, they just go and they get turned on and then they want to go like to a private room and have sex or go home and have great sex. Because again, it's just one of these new different things that you can try in a relationship. But again, this would be a great place to find someone who's more like minded, really just go online and search, play parties. In my area, if you have a sex toy store, physical brick and mortar store you can walk into, they probably know about this. So there are resources. They're just a little bit more hidden.

And we did an episode on sex parties earlier this year and Emily talked about her experiences. You guys have to check it out.

I went to a Valentine's Day sex party last year. We had a blast. Check out that episode. We can also link it in the show notes because it sort of walks you through what happens at these kinds of parties, which is really, really fun. Especially if you find a place that you just feel like it's more like like minded people. And you'll know, but it'll be certainly an adventure. But also, there are a lot of apps these days. I don't know which ones you tried, but if you haven't tried F eeld F E L D then you haven't tried everything. Now I've been talking about field about 10 years when they launched because it was such an innovative app that was really just for people looking for different kinds of relationships. So really for anyone looking to explore sexually, particularly in this exact scenario, that's why it was created. So 35% of field users are part of a couple. So basically that means that a third people are into different relationship structures or group sex encounters like threesomes. And when you do find someone field, I suggest there's a few things that you talk about with your partner beforehand. Remember, before we have any kind of sexual exploration with a partner, it is so important to cover some of these things. What are your physical boundaries during the threesome? Is anything off the table? Maybe you just can't imagine your partner kissing somebody or you don't want penetration, or there has to be condom use, has to have you lubricant, you want to bring your sex toy along, has to be someone you definitely don't know and you'll never see again. These are the kind of things and I want to remind you that I'll go through a few of these questions, but they also evolve. Many couples set some initial boundaries in place and then they talk about it after they have like a. A play by play, like what worked, what didn't. And then can you Continue to adapt them. But there is a lot of talking in these kind of arrangements. Also, are there emotional communication boundaries as well? Do you really want to give out your last name? Do you want to talk about what you do for a living? Or would you rather just say, like, well, we find you hot, you find us hot. Let's go. Let's not share any details. That could be another agreement. For couples, another big thing to discuss is, are they sleeping over? Is this person going to share a bed with us, or is it like, we're going to pay for their Uber home? Or you're renting a hotel room and you're all going back to your places? That's a big one, too. Because for people who want to have a casual sex partner or a third, an important part about setting a boundary is saying, we're not going to do sleepovers. We're not gonna see them more than once. If we do, it's once every three months. Because when people say, well, it got too intimate with this third and it got really weird, that's because they start treating this person like a friend or another lover. And if you really just want it for that night or for playing, you gotta be really specific about your boundaries.

You know, sometimes in the moment, it could be like, oh, well, it feels so right for them to just sleep over. Or it feels so right for, like, just to engage in penetration. How important do you think it is to really stick to the boundaries you set ahead of time? Or if you both feel like you're on the same page, do you think it's ever okay to kind of change the rules?

I think that the rules can change, but they have to change consensually with your partner. I would say if you feel like, you know what, should we have a sleepover? Should we have this person, you know, penetrate us? You want to stop what you're doing and say, like, you know what, we're going to go have a chat for a minute. And I think, honestly, the third person in your bedroom is going to understand that as a couple, this is, like, a really big moment for you and that you need to be on the same page. And then if you both consent, you know how to communicate with each other, and you really know that your partner is telling the truth. And you both decide, you know what? Let's have this person sleep over. They seem really cool. We're liking them. We both feel really good about it. Then you can change the plan. Never in the moment, because you thought your partner gave you a nod to go ahead with it, and they didn't. That's when things get really tricky. And you know, Erica, we have gotten questions from people who say, like, my partner said they weren't going to do this, but they got caught up in the moment. This can happen frequently. The other thing is you want to watch your drug and alcohol intake. Well, you all know that drugs and alcohol and sex go hand in hand for many. It also lowers our inhibitions, and we might also not be making the choices that we would make had we not been too drunk. You want to watch that, especially the first time. You just really don't want to be too wasted. That's when you hear all these like, help, we had a threesome and our relationship is over kind of stories. I don't want that to happen. Everybody, a great place to start. Before you do anything, it's really hot to dirty talk this and role play. When you're with your partner intimately and you're having sex, you could talk it through. Like right now, I'm picturing that, you know, she's in the room with us, and I'm picturing her going down on you, and it's really turning me on. That's really hot. You know what you think is happening, and in these moments, it's getting you the closest you can be to actually experiencing it. And why I love this is because then you can check in with yourself. It's becoming even more embodied because you're with your partner talking about it, and if you get a pang or you get a knot in your stomach and you really get you to think about it and you think, you know what? I actually think that the role playing is enough for me. That didn't make me feel great. Or you could say, you know what? That really brought up for me. So it's just another layer to put into this whole equation before you find yourself naked with someone you've never met before.

And going back to what she said about finding people in bars or messaging people who say they're down and then bail the night of, I feel like that's where an app like Field really shines. Because people are there with the exact same intentions as you.

That's exactly it. You know that these people, if they get onto Field, they are clear in their intentions, their desires, what they want, and they have their own set of boundaries as well. They're thinking, I don't want to sleep at someone's house, or I want to make sure that we keep our emotional and sexual boundaries in place. They too are on a path for More connection and more exploration. But they also want to do it in a safe place where basically everyone's vetted, everyone's signed up, it's just a lot safer. And I think the challenge with meeting someone in a bar randomly is that you don't have this layer of protection. You don't know what their intentions are. You don't know anything about them. And while you could also get swept up in the moment at the bar, you might be thinking, I better keep my wallet close. Like, I don't know this person. Do they have an sti? You know, so just like anytime we make safer choices during sex and to vet someone, it allows us to be more present and in the moment with whatever sex act is happening. So that's why I just think the more you can find a place where people are all like minded and there for the same thing, then once you find that person, then you can just kind of relax more and let go and let the night take you where it's supposed to go. Please let us know how this goes. I've got a good feeling about it because they've also been searching for two months. I think they're ready.

Oh, you got to get on that.

You got this. Thanks, Bianca. You know, speaking of field, I've mentioned them so many times on the podcast before for many, many years. But they actually reached out to me and they said, you know, we are noticing that there is now a radical transformation that we are seeing with our field users. And they actually coined a term for it. It is called the Field effect. Get this. Turns out people do change. And their stats have shown that 62% of field members evolve their sexuality, their interests within the first year on field. They join and they spend a year on the app and they really have the time to explore all of their fantasies, their kinks, like what they've been looking for in a partner. What I love is that there's like a truly a transformation happening. Because if you think about it, somebody who signs up for an app like Field is like, oh, I had a thought about this, but I don't really know how to do it. But I want to do it in a safe place and I want to do it. People who also also want to explore their sexuality and their sexual experiences. And so I think that people are becoming more and more open to different kinds of relationships right now for several reasons. I think people are understanding that monogamy is a choice and not necessarily a requirement for everyone. Right? There are ways to be in a relationship, many ways to be in a relationship, and we get to choose what works for us. And people are finding that there's a lot of different things that work, work. And probably because there's more people talking about it openly on social media, I'll be out with random couples or people at a bar, and they're like, oh, guess what? My partner and I are open. That didn't happen five years ago. I think that people are raising. They want to expand the sexual and emotional satisfaction in their lives. And they know that while their primary partner is wonderful and in their life for many, many reasons, they're not going to get those needs met with one person. Maybe they have a fantasy or a fetish or a kink, and their partner's just like, I'm not really into that. But after a lot of discussion about boundaries and what we like and like, we're actually going to, you know, agree that we can explore it with someone else safely and consensually. But going back to the field effect, field asked me, have you known anybody, you know, personally who felt the field effect? And yeah, I do. I mean, I probably recommended this to a friend of mine five years ago, and she and her husband have been together for 15 years. They had two kids. The kids were a little bit older now. And she said, we've been looking at our town, but there's really no one who's into this kind of thing. We think we want to have a threesome. So I said, go on field, See who you find. And I remember talking them through it and their profiles. It's like five years later now. And they have found a third partner that they actually do see regularly within the boundaries. I think they only see them in Vegas and one other place. They've decided over time that their relationship has evolved, and this person has actually become a trusted friend now. But they have these really incredible experiences where they brought in a woman, then they brought in another man. The thing that I love is that the intimacy in her relationship with her partner. Fifteen years when we started talking about it, she was like, I don't know. I'm bored. This relationship is what I want. I keep fantasizing it with other women. And at first, he didn't want to. He was like, I don't know if I want to do this. But through this process of being on field, they were able to really explore in a safe way where they were actually both getting their needs met. Because now her husband is like, I love seeing you have pleasure with this woman, and I know this thing that you wanted. And then he also has pleasure with her. Not only does it enhance their intimacy and their trust, now it's like fodder for their sex life. So now they like talk about, like, remember that last time we saw her in Vegas? And that was really hot when this thing happened. It's like you're built in porn, like a new spank bank that you both shared together about something that happened in the past. Because now they've so many more hotter memories and experiences that they share together that they can now use in their relationship, talk about it, and then continue to expand and grow. I just can't say enough about Field. If you're like Bianca and you're looking for a third or you're just like, you know, I've got these fantasies, I got these desires, I have these kinks that I want to try, then I just can't say enough about field. Don't hang up because we'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors.

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This is from Nathan. He's 45, in Denver.

My question is, I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly. She is the same age as me. We're both divorced. We have an amazing sex life for the most part. We've been together for three years now. The thing I'm struggling with is I have no problem helping her get to orgasm with clitoral stimulation and toys. But she doesn't seem to be able to orgasm without toys or clitoral stimulation, which I understand is normal. But before, when we were talking, she had told me that she doesn't need that. And subsequently I've found out that with every other partner she's had before me, she didn't need clitoral stimulation. I can't help but internalize it and think that it's something that I'm doing wrong or me or my size or I don't know exactly what it is. But she says it's because emotionally she's never been this attached to someone and with the emotional connection, it's harder for her to let go. But I don't know any information or thoughts you have on that, I would really appreciate it. Thanks, Emily.

All right, Nathan, thank you so much for your question here. So what I'm hearing you say is that you have a lovely sex life, you're in a good relationship. Every time she orgasms, it is with clitoral stimulation and a toy. But she mentioned along the way to you that that wasn't the case in the past. She's saying that it's happening now because she feels more connected to you. First off, there's really nothing wrong with only orgasming through clitoral stimulation and toys. In fact, that's how the majority of vulva owners are going to orgasm, through ample clitoral stimulation and toys. Much rarer is the woman who can orgasm without either one of those things. In fact, even if you are able to orgasm during penetration, it's usually because your clitoris is closer to your vaginal opening, which means that it's having more stimulation. So a lot of the orgasms are from clitoral stimulation. Anyway, I'm not sure that for her saying to you is that she didn't need clitoral stimulation or toys in the past and she was always orgasming with someone is the whole picture. Not that it all matters so much. Like you don't need to get into the nitty gritty of that. How did it happen? What positions were you in? Because I just think there's some nuance here. What I'm hearing is you don't have so much a problem with the toys and the clitoral stimulation that you have to do. It's that you're concerned that you're doing something wrong and that your penis is somehow inferior and that everyone she dated in the past had much different anatomy, were better lovers. And you're creating stories. That's what I'm hearing. I'm not sure any of that is true. It probably isn't. We often tell ourselves things that aren't true all day, every day. And so if you want to get more clear on this, have a conversation with her. You can let her know how it's making you feel. The part about her feeling more attached to you and having an emotional connection that's really loving and that's really self aware and I think that's actually really beautiful. And so maybe the path to go here is to have a conversation with her and say, well, I love that. I love that we're so connected and so in love, but what could we do to allow you to let go more? Sounds like you were able to let go more in the past because you weren't as concerned or connected with what this person thought, for example. But what a practice to learn. Like, I want you to let go and like, let, let's take this sex life to another place. Let's continue to explore together and see if she's open to that.

Yeah, I'd love to dive into that component. She can only let go when she's not emotionally attached to someone. I think that's pretty common because I know some women especially who feel more empowered when they're having sex with someone they don't really know because it's kind of like, oh, they can be whoever they want to be. But then how do you have that same freedom when it's with someone who knows you really well?

And so maybe there's something beneath that to say, how do we get to explore while also being emotionally attached? And that's the practice. That's where like the really fun work is. It's like, what would be required here for you to be able to let go? Maybe there are some other things. Maybe there's blindfolds or some kink play where she's just receiving and you're dominating so she could really let go in that way. Or there's just some other elements. There's some other places to go in the relationship so she could feel more free to let go without a vibrator. But again, sometimes our bodies change over time. Maybe she's on a certain medication and it's harder to orgasm. I'm just wondering what else might be going on. But again, this is your challenge, not hers. Sounds like she's happy and satisfied, but that's why I really thoughtful conversation with her would. Would help you get more information. I understand letting go with the partners, but the fact that the entire way that she orgasms is very different is just interesting to me. So I would find out more about that. You can ask her. Would you be interested in learning how to let go with me?

Because I feel like blaming it on anatomy just kind of skirts around the emotional part of it.

I think so too. So I really don't think it has anything to do with your penis or your skill set as a lover. She's already telling you it has to do with more of her thoughts and the way she attaches. So let's go there. Let's learn to get closer while also letting go.

And going back to Emily's first point. It is 1000% okay if she only has orgasms through clitoral stimulation and toys for the rest of her life. Nothing to worry about.

Totally fine. Zero things to worry about. More common than is discussed that we see in movies and television, literally. My mission is just to make sure that you all have a lot of pleasure in your life. Consensual pleasure that feels good. And it doesn't matter if it comes from a toy or mouth or hand or finger or penis. Let's just all find the ways that we can have more paths to arousal and pleasure. All right, thanks for your question. Thanks, Nathan. This is from Anonymous. She's 35 in Los Angeles.

My question is about how to prioritize your own masturbation when you're going through really hard times. Like, I'm in the middle of a divorce. I'm going to be moving in with friends until I can find a new job. So it's like I'm under so much pressure, and the last thing that I really want to do is masturbate. But I know that I've read all these articles about how it's super healthy to regularly masturbate, but I just feel like, mentally, I'm just like, not in that space. But I know that it would be really good for me. Are there any suggestions you have about just how to, like, get yourself maybe in that headspace? Like, get in the mood with yourself. And also, like, if you're going through a divorce, like, I struggle to fantasize, like, now that I've lost my partner. He was like a big part of a lot of my fantasies. And so, like, I'm curious, like, what you'd suggest in terms of how to like, explore new fantasies and new things when maybe you're like, not in that headspace. Maybe I'm pushing myself too much and too hard with this. But I just think it would be really good for me to masturbate and I don't want to just like do it and it's like robotically, you know. But yeah. Thanks so much.

Thanks for your really thoughtful question. It's rough going through divorce. It is really stress and anxiety producing. I'm glad that you found a place where you can kind of get settled and land with some friends first. I love that you've been, you know, reading articles. We've got a ton on our site about how healthy it is to masturbate, to give ourselves self love, to prioritize our pleasure in that way, to keep our pilot light lit. Because when we get out of a relationship or not seeing someone, sometimes we tend to link our sexual selves to a partner and in this case it would be your ex. So if we can start to create a new relationship to our sexuality by touching ourselves and creating new fantasies and new ways to please ourselves and a new relationship essentially, that's really going to do well for your future when you do want to start dating again and you do get out there. So I think it is important and I love that you're asking this question as far as how to make it happen when pleasure is the last thing on your mind. Think of it this way. Think of it as just as pleasure. You don't have to think about masturbation. What can you do in your life right now that is bringing you joy and pleasure? How can you prioritize those things? Because pleasure begets pleasure. So if you're in a place where you are doing things that make you feel good, your body will be more at a place you'll be able to calm your nervous system so those receptors are more open for pleasure. So just looking at your schedule over the week and thinking like, what can I do that is actually pleasureful? Now when it comes to masturbation, I think just taking the pressure off yourself, but also thinking like, this is something I actually want to do. So maybe it's getting yourself a new vibrator that you really like the way it Looks, the way it vibes, the way it feels, you know, on your body. And finding time where you are, maybe you're taking a bath, is a great way to sort of calm and be more in touch with ourselves. Have your vibrator charge and ready to go and just start to explore and play and say you're going to do that one time a week for 15 minutes and just, just see how it feels. So then you could take the time to explore and play with yourself. And you'll find that once you do this, have an orgasm, you're going to remember why it feels so good. You're like, oh yeah, the orgasm part. So I feel like it is important because sometimes when we wait too long or too much time goes by, it can be really hard to get back into our bodies again. Even if you can't work out for a while because you're really busy, it's better to say, I'm going to go on a Thursday, you know, 30 minute walk once a week rather than doing nothing and then waiting six months. So or every day I'm gonna do 15 minutes of an exercise. So the same thing goes for masturbation. So as far as like creating new fantasies, find some porn, some, like female ethical porn, like Bellesa is a great site for finding some ethical porn or thinking about things that like turn you on and reading some erotica, listening to audio erotica and finding new sources to fuel your fantasy could be also a great way to start to rebuild and learn what's turning you on now at.

This point in life and reconnecting with yourself as a sexual being, orgasm aside, I know she's obviously read all the health benefits of orgasms, but sometimes it's just helpful to feel what it's like to be naked again and sensual when maybe you're in a phase of your life where you just want to be covered up and in baggy clothing all the time. I know I've definitely felt that Emily and I talked about that. I feel like anytime I've gone through any kind of separation, I just don't want to touch another human being or myself for like six months. But when you do start to touch yourself again, it reminds you of this other identity that's inside of you and this other person in you, this other way of being. And once you tap into her again, then she becomes more familiar.

I think what we're saying here is just to take the pressure off yourself a little bit because you're in the process of the separation right now. If you find yourself doing Something that feels robotic, make it more sensual. Take a look in the mirror. Look at your body. Get reconnected with yourself. But it doesn't have to always be about the orgasm or the masturbation part. So really, what we're talking about is just a journey back to yourself and who you are today and however that looks and just making a time of the week to be with yourself.

And I know we've talked about in the Hand Play episode how hands can set the tone of the sexual energy with a partner, but even with yourself, I feel like I often forget to caress myself during solo sex. And that's something that you talk a lot about of, like, don't just go straight for your genitals. Like, touch your whole body. Seduce yourself. That is where the sensuality aspect of it comes in, versus, like, I need to masturbate more.

That's definitely a way to make it more sensual and less robotic. And also, one more quick hack is I leave a vibrator in my shower. I get a waterproof vibe. Leave it in there. So it just reminds me, oh, I haven't used that in a while. Maybe I should do that. It's just there and ready to go. All right. I think she's got a lot there to go on. You're gonna find your way here, and I'm really proud of you for getting out of a relationship that wasn't working and finding a new path right now for yourself. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And, hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.