Winner, Winner, Sex Before Dinner

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right. Everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and talking all things sex and relationships. Topics include sex hacks for days, easy tricks to enhance intimacy. How to take a healthy look at your partner's porn habits and make it work for your relationship. How a family can balance everyone's needs when dealing with sexual trauma. Getting comfortable with different types of body fluids. Because hey, sex can be messy. And that's half the fun. And how to communicate to a long distance lover. It's time to end the love commute. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God. I Feel so good.

Being bad for you feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com it is a good time on our site. We're updating it all the time with posts and videos and things to make your sex life so much better. You can also subscribe and comment on itunes. I do read all of your reviews. It also helps the show when you subscribe and we so appreciate it. Also, join me on social media. It's exwithemily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter because I'm always posting. We've got a new episode. I share behind the scenes what happened at Sex with Emily. And a lot of you seem to like it, so I love hearing from you on there. So please follow me. Also, we have a March contest, so this month we're doing a oh of March contest. You know, those like, oh moments are aha, ah. Those moments when you finally figured something out and everything just makes more sense. Like the entire world comes together because you're like, I did not know how to connect those dots. Well, there's also ah moments in your sex and dating life. So what does that mean? Here's some examples. Maybe you found that spot on your clitoris, for example, that makes you go crazy and you're like, ah, that's a spot. Or maybe you finally figured out how to get a message across to your partner that you've been just wanting them to hear. You told them how you'd like to be touched and that was your aha moment. Or, or maybe you found a brand new erogenous zones. I love hearing about those. And you're like, ah, Emily was right. My forearm feels amazing. My partner licks it. I don't know. I want to hear all of them. There's a lot of different kinds of O's. Maybe you figured out, oh, you're right, sex toys, not just for women. Whatever it is, I want to hear your best O moment. So send it into feedbackexwithemily.com by April 10th. And we're going to pick four of you to win super sexy prizes that will definitely have you going, oh, oh, ah, ooh. All year long. So before I get into your calls, I just wanted to let you know, also, we've got a March video series that's all about sex hacks, so you can check those out on social media and YouTube. So why sex Hacks. Well, this is a concept I've been thinking about for a while, and it's because there's so many ways that you can really be creative when it comes to sex. To orgasms, to foreplay, just to making sex work for you and not against you. And I know I give a lot of tips on the show, but I felt like a sex hack. Like, how can we hack into your sex life and just enhance your intimacy, boost your sexual confidence, add more pleasure to sex? So here's just a few of the sex hacks that I want to tell you about that have kind of happened with me lately. And then also check out the video series. So I just love hacks in all walks of life. But with sex, I realized that my life has sort of been like the way I have sex. I'm just always incorporating sex hacks. For example, here's ones that you can use today. So think about your bedroom. Okay? The bedroom. Hopefully you've got pillows on your bed, right? I have a lot of pillows on my bed. And I don't know if you have memory foam pillows, but these are the best ones to use for what I'm talking about. So pillows are great to use during sex and they can, like, change the entire game. So if there's certain positions, for example, if you're on the bottom and you would like your pelvic to be up a little bit more so it can hit your G spot or just hit different spots or see what it feels, feels like. And guys can do this too. Place a pillow underneath your butt or your lower back, because then your pelvic is at an angle. And this way when your partner penetrates, you're just going to feel it hitting that spot. And you can play with the pillow as well. If you're lying on your front, you can also put a pillow under your stomach, which works great for rear entry positions. And honestly, I was just talking about this in the office a few weeks ago, and I realized that I'd forgotten to do that lately. And I was like, oh. So I was having sex recently. I'm like, oh, oh, hold on a minute. I grabbed my memory foam pillow and sure enough, made a huge difference. Just for certain positions, different partners. And, you know, like I said, missionary sex does not have to be boring. You can also play with toys in a different way, play with different vibrations. So, for example, I always talk about different toys that I love, and some of these are in the videos. But I was thinking like a penis ring. Like, let's say that's A great couple's toy. And I've talked about the Pivot by We Vibe that came out this year, and I love it. The Pivot is great. Cause it's a penis ring, so you wear it during sex. But it's an amazing clitoral vibrator. So I always use it when I travel because. And I have both. And you can, you know, use it that way. Or it's great to put, like, a bullet vibe on your cheek or under your chin when you're performing oral sex, because then your tongue and your cheek and your mouth is shaking like a vibrator. And we all know how amazing vibrations feel. So another one, you guys, if you want to hack a threesome, I know that's your top fantasy. It actually is a top fantasy for men and for women. So a great way to pretend you're having a threesome that actually sees if you can actually handle a threesome is to narrate it, to use sex talk. To talk like you're having a threesome when you're actually having sex with your partner. So go something like this. Yeah, she's. This woman's here. I see her, like, licking you and touching you, and you're licking her breasts, or she's on top of you or whatever it is. And you, like, play out the scenario in your mind like you're having a threesome. And I'm telling you, I cannot talk about the importance of dirty talk enough. In fact, there was a piece I just was quoted in for Men's Health that got picked up everywhere. And they just loved this one head. And they said, this is the one thing that women want more of during sex. And it was dirty talk. And the truth is, it does. You guys. There's something about speaking sexy words to your partner and describing what's happening. Because, you know, our brain is largest sex organ. So the more you can feed that. And a great way to do it again, you guys use a threesome. Use what's happening in the moment. Describe different scenarios that you think are hot. And it's a great way to test the waters and see, like, oh, that was hot. Maybe that's something I would be into. And another great way is to also watch porn. Watch threesome porn together. Because if you're like, I don't know how to describe it. I've never had one. You could watch some porn together and then describe what you saw. Because that's the other hot thing about having an actual threesome is that I know a lot of couples like to swing or Play with other people. And then they, when they're having sex, they actually retell the stories over and over again. It's like using your dirty talk as like a sexual narration of your fantasies. And the other great thing about narrating something that's happened or something you want to happen is that for those of you who get stuck on dirty talk, you're like, I don't know what to say anymore. I told him to f me harder. I told him to grab my ass. But when you have like a scenario that you guys can get into and kind of play back and forth, it's really hot. And you have to make it up because it's something that actually you talked about or you saw or actually happened. Games are also a fun way to add a little spice and a little something spontaneity to your sex life. And there's a lot of fun games, like sexy games in the market that actually help you with your relationship. They'll help you figure out what your partner's into, what you're into. There's a game called monogamy, which is like, it's a board game, kind of looks like Monopoly, but it's spelled, it's monogamy. And that shakes things up when you're in a sex rut. So it's kind of like Monopoly. You work your way towards hot sex. So it helps you communicate, adds a little romance. You use like the purple cards for passionate actions. You know, the red cards are really spicy hot. And so if you're a game couple and you like sit down and you guys play Scrabble or backgammon, why not play a board game like this? That's actually, you can, it's a real game. Someone's gonna win, someone's gonna lose. But like the loser might have to do whatever the winner wants in bed. Another one, spicy dice. This is a really fun for like, for foreplay with your partner. They're so easy. You can take em wherever you go. You can, if you're at dinner, you can do it and be like, let's play with this. Like, here's, let's set up our foreplay for later. Because there's three separate and each one has a purpose. So one has like places to have sex, like in the bedroom, in the living room, in the car. And the other one has places on the body, you know, and then the last one has actions like kiss, tickle, lick. So you roll it and it could say like, kiss ear in the bedroom. And you're like, okay, start with kissing my Ear. So it's a fun way to start. Like, hey, we want to have sex tonight. I don't feel like wondering if he's going to initiate or she's going to initiate you. Just play some games. And remember, couples that play together stay together. My last sex hack that has seen to be really popular lately, especially with friends who are like, we have date night, but sometimes we go out to dinner and I'm so full. We don't have sex or we get too drunk or we get too tired. Have sex before dinner. So the sex happens, and then you go out to dinner and you're satiated from the sex. You're not thinking about it anymore. And then you go out and you have a great night. So that was a very popular one. I thought that was kind of an obvious thing, but apparently it's not. So have sex before dinner. Play some games, play around your house. Try just one of these sex hacks and let me know how it goes. And check out our videos that we have up shortly this month. We'll be rolling them out. Okay, guys, enjoy the show. I've got some great callers and I love hearing from you all. And onto the calls.

Okay, now we're onto the calls. If you have a question, use the option that's easiest for you. You can easily text save this number into your phone right now, text ask Emily one word to 797979. You'll get a short form where you can enter your question and contact details. And if you want me to call you during a future caller show, all you have to do is indicate yes on the form. You can always submit a question from the website sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And always include information that helps me help you. Your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, and if you want to change your name, we can totally do that. No problem. We just want to hear from you. And I want to help you. Our next call is Lindsay. She's 29, from Canada, and she feels like her boyfriend is giving all his energy to porn, and maybe she's just a chore. Hey, Lindsay.

Hey.

Hi. I'm so happy to talk to you. Thank you for calling in and inviting in.

So nice to talk to you.

Tell me what's going on. Let's get some background here.

I'll give you a quick background. So my husband and I have been together for about three years. In the beginning of our relationship, he admitted to me like, that he was masturbating like Five times a day. And we were still having sex like twice a day. So he was like a basically a machine. A little time went by, he started having some erectile issues. So he took down the amount of masturbating he was doing, and that helped a little bit. But he started realizing he had some issues. Porn maybe. So he scaled it back. Long story short, as time's gone by, it went from being a lot, maybe like five, we'll say four days a week. We would have just sex in, I guess what you'd say an average sort of general missionary, kind of, you know, married. We're like intimate, right?

Sort of like typical.

But then maybe a couple other days a week we would have some more fun and like do some exciting things. And I express to him how much I enjoyed that. And then now it's been like just the same time of day, the same position every single time. And I feel as though when I'm away or if he's on his trip that he goes away quite a bit. I feel as though he's masturbating several times a day. And I just am starting to feel very bitter and angry at the situation.

So have you talked to him about this a lot?

I would say, like, we communicate overly about it, like a lot and not overly in a bad way. Like, I don't want it to be like an issue that he feels pressured or anything like that. And I've just been trying. Basically what I said was, I'm just gonna give you space to kind of work this because we're all on our own journey. I was like, you're on your journey with this, figuring out like a new sexuality. Because he's never really had a lot of long term relationships. So I was just kind of giving him space. But I'm wondering, it's like, is there anything I should be doing?

Yeah, it sounds like you really. It sounds like now you're building up resentment and so it sounds like the tactic. Well, I love that you're talking about and I love what you said. We're on our journey, man. You go, do you, I'll do me. But since you guys are in a relationship together and you're committed and you're married, I feel like there's something you have to work on together. And so, I mean, you said you're just having like missionary sex in the morning and that's all that's happening. And then the masturbation thing, I'm wondering like, does he know specifically what you need and how to please you? Because I Feel like we're talking a lot about what his needs and you're working with him, but like, you want something else. And how. How have you been able to communicate that with him? I know you don't want to pressure him. Yeah. But you. You need some certain things from him.

For sure.

Yeah.

Like, I have said little things.

Like, I like just the.

Even just really general things, Emily.

Like.

Like me saying, like, I like doggy style. You know what I mean? Like, that feels really good for me. And I feel as though he's having Ed issues in other positions. More so. And I feel like. Yeah. And I feel like that's definitely part of it. He used to like. And it's something I like. He used to like, fun choke me, fun slap. And that was kind of like something we thought we would do. And like I said, express several times. I'm like, I really like that. Not every time, but occasionally I really enjoy it. And I've always been very vocal. And it's just disappeared.

Right. So you think it is Ed. So maybe he's afraid that if he moves, he's gonna lose it altogether. Right. Is that what's happening? So it's more about his own performance anxiety? Because that's kind of what happens a lot is that I don't. He might be having some of that, like. Yeah, no, no. I mean, I'm just wondering how it. Why it would have changed and if he's masturbating a lot or he's sneaking. Not that masturbation. Is anything wrong with that. But I don't understand. Have you actually said to him, like, this is. These are the things I've been wanting? And I mean, do you ever try to get into doggy style? Because it too. You can kind of lead him along.

Yeah.

And I definitely need to take responsibility to do that more. But I do find. Because he ends up. Like, he wouldn't. He never loses it. But he'll get, like, softer and he gets really insecure. Even if he's, like, remotely soft.

Right.

I've expressed him. I'm like, I've been with people before.

Yeah. It happens. Women are not right.

It's getting.

I have no problem.

We don't trip up on it like they do. Yeah. Guys are like, oh, my God, my penis is malfunctioning. Like, what do I do? I can't live. Right. Like, everything's falling apart. So I feel like it sounds like you. You guys are of great communication, which I love. But I also think that you gotta take it to the next level. Now. And I think sometimes, like, it's more than one conversation. Like, you might've let him know a few months ago. I liked when you choked me. And then you get in the moment and he's like, it's just easier to do missionary, so maybe you need to, like, give him a plan for it. And like, literally say, like, let's talk about what, what I desire and how can we do this together? I don't even know what's going on with him. But, like, he's like, I'm not sure how to do it or what you want. And then tell him again, like, if he gets off for a second, like, that's fine. Like, he could go down on you. You give him a blowjob. There's different things that you could do. He's in his own head. It sounds like a lot, the fact that he's not willing to waver from this one position. Since you've been married for what, three years?

Mary, we've been together for three. We've only been. We've married for a year.

Okay, for a year. So whatever it is, it's like the conversations that you're having, it sounds like it needs to be like, fine tuned towards your needs and his needs. He's masturbating five times a day. That's a lot. And then having sex with you twice a day. So I'm wondering if there aren't other things going on with him. Like, I don't know how you just stop that. So if he's like, sneaking it or if there's some other, like, sexual trauma in his past. Sexual. I don't know, because I'm not seeing him. But there might be some other things going on that you guys could kind of try to work through on your own. But maybe seeing a sex therapist, we can't always solve all these things on our own. So if you guys could also look at having more connected sex and more intimacy. Because it sounds like it's sort of mechanical right now, and you might need some more, like staring in each other's eyes, breathing together, like really touching and connecting, like in an intimate way to kind of. Because that also when you do more of that stuff, like when you're looking each other's eyes or you're breathing together, you can't do anything but be focused on each other. You can't go inside your head, you know what I'm saying? Because you're connected. So I would start playing with some of those things so you feel like you're getting your needs Met as well. And you guys are connecting sexually. Sounds like there's just more exploring to do about what you both need.

Yeah. 100. And I just need to work on growing. Like, I'm so used to the men in my life taking so much control over these things. That's never been an issue for me in the past. It's always been like. So I'm. I have to, like, really kind of work because I get really nervous because I'm just have never done that in my life. I'll say things aside, but, like, I'll say things, like, in another conversation, and I'll be vocal about that. But when it comes to the actual time, I'm like, I like, don't.

I know. You're like, how do I do it? How do I move? Right. Exactly. So you're both in your head. So what might be really cool is if you have this exact conversation with them. You're like, I talk to Emily or whatever you want say. I realize that I want to initiate too. And I'm nervous. And so then it's kind of like you're both being vulnerable together. And then you're like, so when we have sex next time, I actually want to move into doggy style or I want to do whatever. And that makes me nervous too. And then if you talk about it, it's out there. And he's like, okay, I get that. So maybe I can move this way and you move that way. And it's like, you have to just like, these things that you're saying to me are the exact things you have to say to him. I mean, you might not even know, like, what that looks like. Cause you've never done it. So you have fear around it about taking. So it's okay. You say, I might be clumsy. It kind of makes me nervous. And the fact that you've even said that. Just know that might not go so smoothly the first time or second time. You might laugh. But the more you do it, you talk about it, you take all the power away and all the anxiety, and then you'll be able to kind of come together. Hopefully come together and also come together on having sex. That works for both of you. Hey, Lindsay, you got it. Okay.

Thank you so much. Yeah. I have some homework to do then.

Yeah, some homework. But it's fun homework. It can only get better from here.

Yeah.

Because you just told me all of this, and this is totally doable and solvable. Okay, Lindsay, I do too. I feel good about this. Thank you, Lindsay. Have a great night. Thanks. For calling. Bye.

You too.

Bye. Here's why I always say communication is a lubrication. Because so many of our sexual challenges are around finding the right words to communicate. And not only that, continuing to communicate and taking it to the next level. Sometimes we think, well, I talked about it, and therefore it's done. And my partner's just going to understand what I'm saying. And I think when we really tell our partners the things that we think we cannot say, that's really when the vulnerability happens, the connection and enhances intimacy. So say those things. You guys, life is too short for bad sex. So the sooner you address whatever it is on your mind with your partner that you trust and love, the sooner you'll be having amazing sex, the sex that you want and that you deserve. Okay, we're going to give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thank you so much for supporting them all. I love hearing from you guys when you're like, oh, my God, I got the lube or I got these toys. So I appreciate it. Thanks for supporting them. They help keep the show free. And I'll be right back.

All right, we have Christopher. He's 40, from Missouri, and he wants to talk about pegging orgasms. Hey, Christopher. I'm so glad you called.

Hi, Emily.

Thanks for calling me. I appreciate it.

Yeah. So nice to talk to you. So tell me about what's going on.

About 15 years ago, I've always been into anal Play. And about 15 years ago, I was having anal sex with myself, just using a dildo, and I had an orgasm. Something like I'd never had before.

Right.

And since then, my wife and I have eight years. She's more than willing to do this to me on a regular basis. The pegging. My question is, what kind of orgasms am I having? Because I've looked it up online and I can't find anything that compares to it.

Tell me about the orgasm.

Yeah, well, it's.

First of all, it's multiple. I mean, back to back. I mean, no more than two, three minutes apart.

Amazing. Okay, sounds great.

Yeah.

And extremely intense is the only way I know how to describe it. My entire lower half, my abdomen, my stomach muscles, everything just tenses up, and it's like it's trying to push back. I know when I do this to myself that if I don't hold on to the toy that I'm using, I will push it out.

Right.

And my wife has said the same thing, that when this is happening and she can feel it, she feels that the toy is pushing Back against her.

Mm.

It's not painful by any stretch of the means and it's very enjoyable. I'm just kind of curious.

Well, yeah, it's probably because you're flexing. Yeah, it's like you're flexing your, your sphincter muscles. So it's kind of like your, that your whole area is like just flexing and tensing. So it makes sense that you'd be pushing it out, right? Cause that's kind of like your whole body is, is, you know, that area, you're, you're flexing and tensing and relaxing. You're pushing it out. So that makes sense. So I think you're just, you're having a prostate orgasm. It's very different than having an orgasm with ejaculation. And it sounds like it's full bodied and the more you have them, you're having multiple orgasms. It sounds like it's epic. So are there any problems with it or you're just wondering, like what?

No problems at all whatsoever. I mean, other than having to kind of be prepared for it a little bit. Outside of that there's no problems whatsoever. I just didn't know. Like I said, I looked up online and watched other videos of guys having these types of orgasms and they typically have semen coming out and I don't, I have urine.

So that's what I. Okay, so that, yeah, so that could be like fluid from the prostate or like, you know, because you're not erect, so that's probably why it's not semen coming out and it seems like it's urine, but it could just be like fluid from the prostate because you're not erect. So that would be what it is. So I feel like that is common, you know, that it wouldn't be the same kind of orgasm you're used to, but it's all an orgasm and it sounds like you're having a really great one. Which I always tell men, experiment. Why not? Like it's, it could be this amazing sensation. I think men should just take a gander, go, go back door, check it out. I think you're going to be inspiring so many of my listeners. Yeah. And it sounds like over time too, they've gotten better and more intense and frequent and good for you.

Yeah, right.

So you find a willing partner. You're your wife. It sounds amazing. Have you got a prostate exam?

No, I haven't had one for probably close to 20 years.

Okay. I think it's important to start getting one now that you're 40 get checked out. I always recommend that doctors. So it's a good thing to do. But keep having fun. I love it. You're inspiring all of us.

All right, I appreciate it.

Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye, Christopher.

Bye.

Okay, guys, so if that's not reason enough, I'm always telling you guys, if you haven't explored, it's not a must. You don't have to. However, it's like the male G spot. Right. So I feel like the tides have been turning when people ask me, like, what's changed with sex in the last, you know, 13 years we're doing the show. And I think that men are more open to experimenting with prostate play because, hey, what if you start to have multiple orgasms and your whole body shapes and you need to call me and say, emily, I'm having these amazing orgasms. I don't know what they're called. Wouldn't that be a great problem in quotes to call me about? So I send you all on that mission this year. If you choose to accept this challenge. Go play with your prostate. We have Ashley. She's 23, from New York, and her boyfriend doesn't seem to know how to show affection in their long distance relationship. Hi, Ashley.

Hi, Emily.

Hi. So thank you for calling. Tell me about what's going on with you and this relationship.

Sure. So, yeah, there's actually, like, new developments in my question.

Great.

Yeah. So overall, he is just not really that affectionate guy. It's kind of harder since I did move from Texas to New York and he has a lot going on. Like, he's still in school, he's kind of in trouble with a dwi. So he has a lot of, like, meetings and things that he has to stay on top of. And, like, I realized if I was in his position, all of that stuff would probably come first, like, to figure out my life and move forward. But I keep trying to tell him, like, you know, maybe it's just not the right time for you to have a relationship. Because it leads me to feel like, not really like, second choice or a second option, but just like, right. Not really the focus. Not that I need to be like.

Hey, like, it's like, yeah, you guys were together. Wait, let me just get this straight, though. You guys were together for how long? A year. And then you, you, you moved to New York and he's still in Texas. Is that it?

You've been long distance for like six months. And then I moved.

Okay, so six months together in college, and now you're in New York and It's been long distance for how long? Eight months. Okay, so you said to him, hey, I get it. You're busy. The dwi. You got to take care of yourself. And then what did he say?

And he just says, like, you know, I do need to do all this stuff, but I don't want to lose you. You know? And I don't. He. I don't think he tries to make it seem like I need you to get through this, but I have been, like, really supportive of him because it kind of has brought him down. I don't think he's trying to, like, guilt me into staying with him by saying, like, you know, if I lose you through this, I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I don't think he understands that.

What do you want? But, Ashley, tell me what you want right now. Do you want to be in this relationship, or do you think that a little break would be good for you? Well, because you're talking about what he wants, and so I'm trying to get to what you want and what feels right to you right now.

Yeah, sure. So I've told him, like, you know, we just need to take a break. You think about what you want, because what I need is for you to show more attention, affection, whatever, as we.

All do, by the way. We all need that. So cool. Yeah.

So right now we are on a break because I just want him to figure it out. Like, I'm not really at a point where I just need to jump into another relationship. Like, I'm okay with, you know, taking a little bit of time, figuring things out.

Okay.

Like, ever since I was like, okay, you know, like, I'm on a break, you're on a break. Do whatever you want. I don't really care. And he. It's just like a switch went off.

Right. He's calling you every day. He's FaceTiming. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you. That's what happens.

I don't understand why it took me to, like, do this for him to, like, realize what I was saying, you.

Know, because sometimes, you know, they say, like, you don't know what you got till it's gone. I mean, this is a classic response. And so I feel like, yeah, he's going to lose you, and he wants to keep you, and I get that. You hear that? This is kind of, like, a typical thing that happens, and I don't know why it happened. You know, I'm sure he really cares about you, but he was really afraid that he was losing You. So he came back around. I don't know how long this is going to last, but what I'm asking is, does this make you feel better right now or are you still sort of like. I'm not so sure. Because what I'm seeing Ashley is you're 23 years old, you just moved to a fabulous new city, you have a boyfriend who's, you know, long distance and he's giving you attention. Now you're FaceTiming, now you're on the phone. I feel like, not that you need to go out and have a relationship right now. It doesn't sound like that's what you want, but I also don't want him to be holding you back from kind of just being you and getting acquainted to a new city and a new life. Do you have any plans for you guys to be in the same place anytime soon?

Yeah. So we've talked about him moving here whenever he graduates and that could happen.

And that's again another year from now.

Yeah.

Right. So I'm just giving you perspective. I know it doesn't feel the same, but you're 23 years old and do you want to be in a long distance relationship for a year where you're in this place? It sounds like. I don't know, I feel like. Seems like a great guy. You guys can still keep talking. He knows how to fill you up right now when he thought he was going to lose you. But again, I just, I would I urge against like unless you know for sure, like he's the one and you guys love each other. You've been together a long time and he's definitely moving to New York. But you were together six months or four months and then you moved away and now it's tense and I just feel like there's not enough evidence, enough data that I want you to be spending the next year like on the phone trying to negotiate a relationship when you could be out living your life.

Yeah, you're right.

That's my gut. Okay, sweetie, so I think you gotta just kinda do you right now. It's a great time to be. To be young, to be single, to be in New York. And I don't think you need this long distance drama.

Yeah. Do you have any advice for like what I say to him when I do this? Because I keep saying the same thing. Like, you know, we're just at different places in our life right now and I like, he can't give me what I want and he just like pushes back on that and you gotta just.

Say, you know, you have to be tough and you gotta be sweet. You gotta tough love. You know what, babe? I really thought about it. I really care about you. I think it's best for us to have distance right now. And I just. We need to have this space. We can. You know, I think honestly the best thing to do is not talk for a few months. Like I would say, like three to six months without contact. Although I understand that you're also each other's support system. But you just have to hold strong. This is you, Ashley. This is not. He'll be. It sounds like he's a sweet talker and he's gonna know how to say everything to get you back. No, this is. You've made this decision, and you just gotta say it and be honest, tough, and stick with your decision. Tell them the truth, that you need the space, and just be honest. But then you have to. You can't cave. You got to stick with what you decided. And I'm telling you, it's gonna be hard at first because you're each other's support system. But once you get through this just. And you stick to your guns, you're gonna feel so much better, I promise. And you're going to have a whole new life that opens up. I see it. Okay. Ashley. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. I feel like you already know this, so just do it. Be strong. You got this. Thanks, Ashley. Good luck to you. Enjoy New York. Okay, bye. Thank you. Bye. Ashley. Few interesting things that this brought up here. First of all, you guys, long distance relationships. If you are in a long distance relationship and there's no room, like, you don't know if you're ever gonna be in the same city again or when it's gonna happen, and you haven't really been together that long, you really should kind of take a look at that. I don't love the idea of having drama and problems in long distance relationships unless you know there's a clear break when you guys are gonna be together. Also, it sounds like there's a little bit of communication challenges around here because Ashley has a big heart. You can tell she cares so much about her boyfriend. She's saying, well, I think this is good for you to move on, and I think it's good for you to have the space, but really it's also about her and her needs. And I think it can be really hard for us to kind of stand up for what we want and what we believe in because we don't want to hurt anyone in the relationship. But I think once we do that, we stick to our guns. We say what we need, what we want. Like, it's not like there's a right way or wrong way to do it, but speaking your truth and what you really feel and you want, no one can argue with that. So that's what I'm hoping for, Ashley, and that's. I'm hoping for all of you in your relationships. Okay, we have Katrina. She's 39 from Utah, and she wants to talk about overcoming trauma and wants to welcome intimacy into her life. Hi, Katrina.

Hi.

How are you? I'm great. I'm so happy to talk to you today. Tell me about what's going on with you.

Well, about two years ago, I found out my daughter had been molested by her dad, the husband that I was married to.

Okay.

And, you know, it's been a huge trauma. I didn't want to date. My kids kind of pushed me into dating. And I started listening to your podcast around the same time when I was starting dating and stuff, and it just. It really empowered me to be able to go out and date and have those relationships. It's been great.

Good. I'm so glad, Katrina. I'm glad it can be there for you. Yeah.

Right.

But my question was my daughter. I'm worried about her because I want her to be able to have, you know, healthy relationships, and I don't know if that's ever feasible for her. I do try to talk to her, you know, open about sex and that. It's not always a bad thing.

Right.

I just didn't know if you had any suggestions on what. How I can approach her. I mean, she's just. She shuts down and she's. She's in therapy.

I was going to ask about that. Yeah. He moles. So she's 17 now, but he molested her when she was young. When she was. And you just found out about it? But when did it go on? What year? What age?

I found out when she was 15. It was in 2016, and I guess it had been going on for two years, so she was 13 when it started.

Okay. So, yeah. God. Well, I'm sorry that your family's had to go through that, but I'm glad that you had. You're feeling better. I'm glad that she's in therapy. So tell me about her therapy, because here's the thing about trauma, is that untreated trauma just continues to get worse over time for men, for women. So I love that she's in therapy right now. How's it working? Because the thing about. Not all therapists are created equal. And you want someone who really specializes in sexual trauma. And I'm wondering if that's where you find her right now. That's where she's at.

She went through a lot of therapists because, you know, she would get. Well, I don't feel comfortable with this person. You know, I would tell her, at least give it two visits. And she would do the two visits and she's like, I can't. I can't talk to this person. And it has to be a woman. I can't. I can't get a man. She won't open up to him out at all. But she has done like a 180 in the last two years. She is a totally different person. She's so outgoing. She's really blunt. Before she used to just be so withdrawn. She wouldn't talk, you know, just really quiet. Didn't have any friends. And now she's just like. She's a firecracker. She's amazing. She's like the strongest person I know.

Okay, well, that's great. So it sounds like she's just kind of thinking about the future of what could happen. There are women's groups, like for. For people who've gone through trauma. Maybe she needs, I just think for young people sometimes to be in like a group of women, like a therapy group once a week in addition to her individual therapist. So she's with other, you know, women her age or kids who have also experienced trauma might be really helpful for her because going into a room talking about it for an hour, you know, I just feel like group therapy can be. Can be really helpful. So she has like a community, you know, people to talk to.

Oh, yeah. A group would be a good idea. I didn't think about group.

Yeah, there's some great. Yeah. I mean, I'm not. You're in Utah, so. But I'm like, there's some great groups. They're really fun. No, but I mean, I think that this is a special kind of, you know, therapy that she needs. And I just think being with other people and. Yeah, I think that could be helpful. But are you seeing anything now? You said she's in a good spirits. Are you just. Yeah. So what else can I. Yeah, is there anything else going on with that?

The other question I had for you, I had to. I don't know if I can ask you the second question or not.

Please, please ask away.

I. I've been dating and I didn't Want to settle down with anyone. Because I had been in a horrible, horrible relationship. He was very controlling. He was abusive in so many different ways. And then also my daughter on top of it all.

Yeah.

So when I did start dating, I was just having casual, you know, sex and dates. And it was great. I loved it. And now I've met someone. I've been with him for eight months, and I totally love this guy. I love him a lot. And I've moved in with him and my daughter loves him. It's just. I feel like I miss. I'm missing out because I was so used to being single and getting attention and, you know, the things that I never had experienced before. And I just. Just scared. I don't know, maybe if I'm just scared because I had such a bad relationship and I don't know how to move forward or.

Well, yeah, I know. I get all of that. Well, first of all, I'm wondering. So you've moved in with him after eight months with your daughter?

I've been with him for four months now in his house, but. So four months dating. And then I moved in. My lease came up, and so instead of me signing another year lease, he wanted me to move in with him.

Okay, so there's a lot going on here. I mean, there's a few things I want to say. First of all, we tend to often heal our past relationships and our current relationships. So it sounds like you were not in a healthy relationship with your husband, and you were missing a lot of attention and love and affection. And I'm so glad that you found someone right now who's giving you all of that. And I'm also wondering, though, if you've actually been in therapy as well since your breakup, the marriage of your marriage. Because it's really important for you as well.

No, I haven't. I know it sounds bad, and I probably should.

No, it's not bad at all.

I'm so concentrating on my daughter.

Right.

Only that I haven't had time. I have to, you know, work and then take care of her.

I understand.

Doctor visits and therapy.

I know, sweetie. There's a lot going on. It's really hard, but it's the most. I mean, it's hard to make time for everything. But I feel like you've been through a trauma as well. And just to be as supportive as you can with your daughter, I feel like, you know, it's pretty quick to move into another relationship and move in with someone and your daughter's along with you with another guy. And I want you to kind of slow it down. I love that you're getting all this attention. You're probably starving for it during that 14 years or during that 14 year marriage. Like it sounds like it was not healthy for anybody. And I know this feels so good right now, and you're filled up and your serotonin and all those love hormones, but I'm just wondering if this is not moving a little bit too fast and that I just want you to put as much focus on your mental health and realizing what your part in this was as well. Because yes, he was abusive, but there were probably some things that. Signs that you saw or things that you could work on about yourself because you've also, again, you've been through trauma and you're going to. Right now you're in the honeymoon phase with this guy. Everything seems great, but I feel like there's still some things for you to work on. I know it. I mean, we all. It's. You're never done. I mean, I go back into therapy, you know, I now, I mean, I. Through my lifetime. And I feel like it's just important for everybody and especially for you right now, because then you could again be there for yourself and your daughter.

I agree. Yeah.

Okay.

I know I need to do it.

Yeah. And it's not even like, oh, my God, the gym. No, like, this is actually. Your mental health is the most important thing. You will be a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better everything. And I think that there's a lot to unpack here that you probably haven't don't even know yet because you've been going through trauma, being a great mom and taking care of your daughter. So I would say when we hang up right now, I would love you to either ask friends for a recommendation, call your insurance company, because literally that's the hardest part sometimes is just getting the name and getting the appointment. But I'm telling you, it'll be life changing. And if you have to meet with three different people to find a good match, you should do that. But it's so important. It's not even about the guy now and you being afraid of intimacy. I feel like it's really about dealing with the past and where you want to go in the future. Okay, okay. Okay. Know you didn't want to hear that maybe. But I'm telling you it's the right thing. Okay, sweetie?

Right. I need to concentrate on me.

Yeah, you do. You really do. Right now. It's for everyone. So that's the best thing I'M sorry you've been through so much, but you sound good and you're on the right path towards healing.

All right, thank you so much.

Thanks, Katrina. Bye. Have a great day. Thanks for calling. All right, bye. You too. Bye, you guys, I know sometimes it might sound like I'm just throwing around the therapy. Yeah, we need therapy. You need therapy. But we all got to work through stuff, you know? You understand this, right? Like, we all go through things in life, but when it's very specific like this, like a trauma, you know, really bad marriage, divorce, whatever it is, we gotta get into therapy and see a few people, find out who. It's a good fit. It's almost like getting into a relationship. It truly is a very intimate relationship. And also, you guys saying that you've gone to therapy once. Oh, yeah, once or twice. It didn't work for me does not count. I did therapy. I did it three times. No, therapy is like you go in, you commit, you go every week for at least a year. And it's life changing. That's what I think. We gotta focus on. Focus on ourselves. Our mental health is so important. Okay, everyone, thank you for listening. Thanks for being a part of the show. I so appreciate it. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our volunteers, Shannon, Jenny, Sarah, producer Lark and Michael. And thanks, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you? Text ask Emily to 797-979 foreign.

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