Your Freaky Sex Survival Guide

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Hey everyone. Welcome to this episode of Sex with Emily. Tonight's show is in honor of Halloween and we're talking about some of the scariest, freakiest situations you might find yourself in and what to do about them. But first, I got to tell you, I love my no, no pro. You've heard me talk about it in recent weeks. I'm actually going to Mexico tomorrow, so I even love it more because it is the only way. I tried everything. Waxing, I've tried threading, I've tried everything. It's the only way to remove unwanted hair with no pain. Zero pain. I just sit at the couch. I sit at home, wherever I am. And it's long lasting. And it's for men too. You know that hair in your back or your neck, you're like what do I do? How do I get rid of it? Legs, arms, face. No matter where you want to use it, you can use it. Weeks of long lasting results. Go to nonoemily.com that's nonoemily.com plus you get 100% 60 day money back guarantee and you probably won't return it because you're gonna friggin love it like I do. And when you purchase it, you also get a $50 gift card to an award winning skincare line. Go to nonoemily.com.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kinda.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because sexwithelmily.com is where you're gonna find all of our podcasts. You're gonna sign up for our mailing list because I give really good email. I don't wanna brag, but I do. And you can also subscribe because we do two shows a week and you can get them on itunes, which is so easy. Just show right up there on your itunes wherever you wanna listen. So thanks everyone for doing that and follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All sexwithemily. And I'm here with Anderson. Happy almost Halloween. Anderson.

Hi.

I'm scared.

Good. How are you? So, okay, we're streaming live now, so every Thursday night, this is a new thing. I love the sound effects, the song.

It's called Halloween by John Carpenter. John Carpenter.

Not really, but okay, so 8:30 to 9:30 Pacific Standard Time, every Thursday night. If you go to sexwithelmy.com, you can actually watch our Thursday night show and listen and streaming. And you can also call in 1-800-love191 if you got a question. So that is pretty friggin exciting. And I want to say everyone can.

Come over and see your slutty costume.

I'm wearing a slutty costume. I am a. I am an orgasm fairy.

Are you really wearing a costume?

I am wearing a costume.

I was making a joke.

No, I really am wearing a costume. But I didn't really put. It's hard to wear the tiara.

Okay, so does that complete the costume?

No, I've got a tiara. Okay, everyone should go to my website. You should go to sexhealthy.com or my Instagram, which is sexthemy. And you can see the pictures of me being an orgasm fairy because I have a tiara. And I have my magic wand. My vibrator is my magic wand. And I'm gonna be sprinkling samples of lube everywhere for people.

Were you doing that at the office today?

Yes.

I'm picturing just, like a trail of people slipping and sliding and falling behind you.

I was in a lube wrestling match once. That's not a bad idea to recreate that. Yeah, no, I just got dressed for you.

I like it. And everyone who's watching.

And everyone who's watching but the tiara thing, which I love, we can imagine. You can imagine it. Okay, so here's the thing about Halloween. You know how it's, like, the one night of the year that every woman's like, oh, I can dress really slutty, and then I can dress, like, in all the sexy ways that I want to, and I'm going to feel really, you know, hot. I'm going to wear, like, fishnets and do all these crazy things, and I just don't understand why. It's because women are like, oh, I can't be judged. You know, I can adopt another personality. And like me, a lot of women are judged by men and women any other time of year, if they dress, like, super slutty or sexy, they're worried they won't be respected.

Right?

Like, they're like, oh, if I came to work as an orgasm fairy. Okay, well, okay, that's not a bad example.

Not you.

Okay. But if you came to work. Okay, who else is a good example? Anyone came to work as an orgasm factory. Tara. Oh, I'm glad you brought Tara Patrick up. We'll get to that in a moment. She was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she's actually here in spirit. We're going to show you that in a minute. They braid themselves because, you know, they braid themselves and others do because they're dressed up sexy and they're provocative. But I feel like a lot of that is just slut shaming. And people are thinking like, God, women are so slutty. And here's the thing. Women feel so great on that day, and men love it. And I don't understand why it's the only day of the year. I'm not saying we should all walk around in costumes, although that's what happens in San Francisco practically every day. There's. Every weekend there's a costume thing. But why not wear something that makes you feel sexy all the time? Whether it's lingerie and whether it's, you know, just whatever it is that makes you feel sexy? Because As I always say, one of the biggest killers of women's sex drive is that they don't feel sexy. So why are they waiting for this one day of the year where they're like, I'm gonna go all out, but otherwise, you know, I'm just gonna wear my button up suit, you know? And I think that women should choose to embrace their own sexiness right now. And here's another thing. I always talk about role playing being something that couples can do. And people laugh like, oh, yeah, like, you know, if my girlfriend came over and she had arrest me as a sexy cop, I'd laugh in her face. But here's the thing. Your sex life gets a little, you know, it gets stale after a while. You're in a relationship for a while, you live together, sex becomes kind of routine. So I constantly suggest things on the show that you can do to spice it up. And I've done shows on role playing in the past, but this really made me think about the fact that it's. I wanted to explain a little more to you. Sure, you might giggle at first, but if you can really get into another role and pretend that you're someone else. So whatever scenario, I don't care if you do the doctor nurse, the school girl getting a spanking from her, whatever turns you on. You meet at a bar, your partner's a stranger. It's kind of like having a one night stand all over again. If you can get into that mindset. Because we were little, we used to play imagination, right? You do, didn't you play imagination or you do things with your imagination? What?

Yeah, I know, but you're talking about role playing and sex. And what I see is.

No, no, no. What I'm saying is people think, oh, I can't look at my partner like a slutty nurse because it's my wife or it's whatever. But if you get over that part of thinking that it's so silly and you get into, like, we know in Halloween when you dress up as a costume, you sometimes used to get into it.

You go with it. Yeah. You actually become the part.

You become the part.

You hear actors say that a lot too. It's like, I, as soon as I put on the mustache, I became that character.

Right. So if you put on your sexiest outfit that make or whatever it is that makes you feel sexy, it could be a crayon. When I was in college, I wore a crayon one.

You were sexy though, right?

I was red. I literally wore like a cone on my Head. It was not hot at all. I was a crayon. But if that. That didn't make me feel sexy because people weren't very phallic. It was phallic. You're right. It's like a premonition for things to come. It was foreshadowing. But whatever it is, couples get together and try it. And for one night. Women love dressing up. A lot of them. Men like, isn't it fun when your wife dress ups? You won't tell me anything about your relationship. I know, but guys go crazy for it. Women like it. And I'm just saying role playing is kind of fun thing to do. It doesn't have to be a whole. You have to plan it all out. You can just put on whatever it is that makes you feel sexy. And when your partner comes home, you know, you can talk about it and pretend he's a stranger. Like breaking into your house and then have sex.

Breaking in, delivering pizza. Worst case scenario, though, is you set it all up and then he's late and there actually is a break in. And you think it's just your husband, like, you know, playing a part. That's bad times.

That is bad times. It's like a movie.

There'd be after a lot. A lot of things would have to fall in place for that.

Exactly. Like, what are the chances that's gonna happen? Right. But anyway, roleplay. And I've done it. It's kind of fun when you. Once you get over the weirdness part of it.

What was your role play? What'd you do?

I've done like the. I've done like the, you know, slutty school girl. Nothing too original. I'm trying to think.

I was bad.

I was a bad girl. I need to be spanked. Spanked, my ass.

4/3 IST 9. I got that wrong.

I've done everything. I mean, even just in talk. I've like done the talking. Role playing.

I could see that you're a very creative type.

And I am a creative type. And sex is the one thing. Like, we've got to get creative. Everyone has to get creative because it's boring after a while.

Are you going to West Hollywood for Halloween?

I'm going to Mexico.

Oh, that's right. It's a good thing. Because if you dress up like an orgasm fairy, there's a lot of competition in that.

Of course. I know.

I said a lot of orgasm therapy. Is that wrong? Is that homophobic to say what? Orgasm fairies and fairies.

No, it's fine. It's la. Whatever. California people don't care. No. Are you going to West Hollywood? I don't.

No. I'm trying to talk my mom out of going because she's supposed to be going.

Has she ever gone?

She went last year. Yeah, she loved it.

Really? It's kind of a fun thing. It's like I used to go to the Castro in San Francisco. You do it once or twice.

I went one year. It's. There's nowhere to pee.

There is nowhere to pee. But you're. Dude, you can pee on the wall. You can pee anywhere.

Yeah, I know, but as soon as I unzip the pants, I'm afraid that.

You can get arrested.

I'm just gonna. Yeah.

I never know where to put it.

No, I'm afraid that I'm immediately gonna start getting oral from some random guy. Oh.

In the most Hollywood.

And then I'd be cheating. And I don't want that to happen. Another dumb homophobic thing that I said. Sorry.

Okay. It's okay. People won't be that offended. Okay. So here's the other thing I have to talk about. Speaking of West Hollywood.

WeHo.

WeHo. I am doing an event called beyond the Bedroom at the Body well in West Hollywood November 5th at 7:30pm with Connor Habib and Chris Donahue. He's a doctor. Connor is a male porn star, genius writer. And it's all about what your dad, which sounds kind of funny. I know. And he's hot. What your doctor can't and won't tell you about sex. So it's all about what it means to be sexually healthy outside the bedroom. And it's like donations of like 10, $20. And yeah, you can check it out on my website or I don't know where else. It's on my website now, I think. Also I'm giving away tickets to the Sexual Health Expo because it's gonna be really fun. It's two days, January 17th and 18th in Los Angeles. Only conference of its kind. It is two days of sex education. But that sounds so boring. It's like my show, but fun. Like sex education. Like I. If I said my show is about sex education only, you'd like, roll your eyes. But I. I think it's entertaining. I'd like to think I'm entertaining. And these are some of the top sex educators in the world. Workshops for two days, Parties, award show, the latest and toys. I'm giving away 25 tickets. And if you want a ticket, email me feedbackexwithelmy.com and tell me why you want to Go.

Sex education for adults.

Yeah.

When you think sex education, you think of, like, you know, your fat math teacher who has to give you, like, a little lecture on the birds and the bees because she's mandated by law. You know what I mean?

Totally.

But this is sex education by sexy people.

Exactly. And it's interesting that you brought that up because actually, what we're going to get into in a moment, because I actually have something very, very depressing to tell you about sex education in America. But this show is going to be about those freaky, weird situations that you get into sexually and you don't know quite what to do about them. And we'll also be reading your emails because I love hearing from you@feedbackexwithelmy.com and we really are going to get better at. Because a lot of times we read people's emails and we haven't always been great at letting them know that we read them because we're. But now we have a system so you'll actually know the episode that we read them. I mean, I'm assuming that you all listen to every single episode, but if you don't, we're gonna email you and say, hey, buddy, I answered your question about your small penis or your large penis, as it were. So here's this abysmal thing. Ready?

Get ready. Be horrified at what schools are telling kids about sex storks. Millions of kids are sitting in classrooms this school year where they could be taught inaccuracies about HIV and sexual. It's clear we're doing it wrong. I don't know about you, but I think we owe it to the kids to tell them the truth. So here's the thing. They can only teach abstinence. There's. If you look at this map in. In the world, it's in America. It shows it, like, only, like, it's only probably about five, six, or seven states, actually. It's mandatory. The other states, it's like abstinence. They can't talk about masturbation. I mean, it's abysmal. And it really is. Kids are learning nothing. And all they're learning is, is abstinence. First of all, which is stupid. They're not learning about masturbation, which I wish. All I needed was five minutes on masturbation and I would have masturbated way earlier because it didn't occur to me. And if you tell kids that does not compute. How did I not know? It just didn't occur to me.

I think you, like, slipped, like, on the edge of the bed one night.

I wish I was one of those girls. Like, those girls were like, I rode my bike and I had an orgasm. I was climbing the rope in the gym. Never happened.

Did you climb ropes and ride bikes?

I did everything.

I would think that, like I rode horses or you're putting on the crayon, you know, you might put it on like upside down.

Didn't know about masturbation. So it's really scary. And the scariest part is that so many kids are learning through porn and they're thinking, oh, that's how I should do it. I should spank her ass, have anal sex and hopefully she'll squirt on my.

Face or he'll squirt on her, whatever it is. And all girls love the jackhammer.

Yeah. And they don't love the jackhammer. And it's also just so many men lately, it's funny, have told me that are in their like 30s and 40s, dating 20 somethings. And they've said to me, several of them, it's funny, all these girls I date, they kind of have sex like porn stars. They're acting like porn stars, but I don't really believe it. It's like they're making the noises and the moving like that. But you know that women in their 20s, a lot of them, unless you listen to my show, don't really know what feels good to them. So they're all having. Because that's how everyone's learning.

Yeah. This is a really scary point that you're bringing up, which is like they're going to learn from these horrific, horrific images and videos because they won't teach it in schools.

You got to see these maps. You know what, I'm going to put this on my website because you can't imagine it breaks it down by like, which states will let you talk about hiv, which ones won't? Which states only abstinence. And it's remember like when Joyce and Elders was fired because she mentioned masturbation.

She was the, the surgeon general for like maybe a few weeks or something.

And whenever I have masturbation episodes that say masturbation on itunes. Itunes. Go itunes, like blocks it out. It's like M. Star. Star. Like it's like a bad word.

Now to play devil's advocate, even if they did teach it in school.

Right.

I know that like, you know, 12 year old Anderson would choose to learn from the porn. I'd rather see James Dean teach me about porn and, you know, Tara Patrick than say, Mrs. Labarth, my fourth grade math teacher, you know what I mean? I'm gonna probably pick the porn anyways. But there should be a choice at least.

Well, you can. You can use the porn to like jack off and stuff, but that's not how you should be learning. There's such a better way to do it. I feel like I want to create and this is almost.

You should go.

No, I want to do. I want to go to college campuses. So if anyone wants to support me in that, I should start like a Kickstarter campaign.

No, I think you should start like grade six.

Yeah, that's exactly what.

Absolutely.

People are so confused, you know? So anyway, and talk to kids. Talk to your kids about sex. Parents don't know what the hell to do, so the whole thing's a mess. But besides that also I wanted to tell you that. That's what I'll tell you. Okay, so that was the sex of the news story that I kind of moved into. But here's another one. Do you remember last week's show, we talked about euphemisms for vagina that no one understands? So I admitted it. I admitted on the last show, and it was really hard for me as a sex educator that I just don't like the word vagina. I don't like it. Like, it just. I don't like it and there's not like a better word for it. Do you like the word vagina? How's your vagina? It's a little clinical, but penis doesn't bother me as I just don't like vagina. There's certain words like moist, like I don't like the word moist.

There's nothing wrong with penis.

How moist? Vagina.

I like the fact that your mouth has to be moist to be able to say moist.

But here's some euphemisms.

You can't say moist with a dry mouth.

Moist.

Moist.

I drink some water.

Alright, so what are you going to call it? Your cookie?

I'm gonna tell you some euphemisms and then we're gonna vote. Me and you and the listeners. And if anyone's listening, you can call in and watching 1-800-Love 191. We'll see how this goes. Oh, and also if you missed this and you're listening to the podcast, because it's also a podcast, you can watch the video on our site. So this becomes a video podcast, which is very exciting. Okay, ready? There are so many pet names for vagina. It's often hard to know. I can't avoid it. It's often hard to know if a woman's talking about her vulva or her miniature poodle. Here are some other popular nicknames that confuse us every damn time. Okay, pony.

Nope.

Or my little pony enthusiast. Is it your private area? Okay, chachi. Private area or 1980s sitcom spinoff star? These are true muffin. I call my nieces my little muffins. Is that bad?

Oh, that's real bad. If. Yeah, if you're thinking that.

Well, I didn't know. Is it a delicious baked good? Or is it your vagina?

Or is it your niece's?

I'm like my muffin top. I call them muffin tops. Is that worse? Okay, princess parts. Private area or Halloween costume accessories? Front, bottom. Private area or oxymoron for morons? Front, bottom.

Am I. I'm missing something?

Okay, pea pod, Private area or salad bar offering peapod? Who says it's woo woo? Like I think that parents say.

I've heard of hoo Ha.

That's not even on here.

What about gash? I hope that's not worse than moist. Huh?

You would also hate. What does Oprah say? I hate what she says.

Vajayjay.

Va. Jay JJ that friggin bothers me. Don't say vajayjay. I guess you just gotta say vagina. And when I was in sex school, they were like, you have to say vulva because it's technically the vulva.

But that's not a no, no.

It is the vaginas of vulva. Like, that's technically.

I thought the vulva was a part of the vagina.

No, it's the vulva. And the vagina is part of the vulva. But no one says vulva. So when I say vulva and they get mad at me. Oh, do you remember that?

Oh, Seinfeld.

I have a really good Seinfeld reference coming up in a minute. However, we can do another one. When he was dating a girl that rhymed with a body part. Yes. And he couldn't remember the body part. And he was like, he was guessing. He was guessing the whole show. And he's like, is it like mulva because it rhymes with vulva? And then finally at the end, he's like, dolores, That's a good one.

It rhymes with maloris.

Clitoris.

Oh, clitoris.

That's a good one. Okay, then we got vape. Vajayjay. A canoe. Look for the little man in the canoe. Right, Anderson?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard that. But to talk about the vagina as a canoe and then a pooni.

Poo. Nanny.

Poo nanny.

Okay, I think you have to be.

Black to say poonanny.

I'm over this. Yeah. Okay. Am I gonna get in trouble, Cookie? Oh, listen to this one, Cookie.

What about baby Maker? That's really not good.

That's like. No, that's bad. Because so many people are paranoid about getting pregnant all the time.

You didn't have pussy on there. You didn't have twat.

Well, that's obvious. Okay, okay, here's another thing. You know when people call semen baby batter? Have you heard that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's. That's disgusting too.

It's kind of spot on, though.

Well, it is, but I don't want to hear it talked about like that. I'd rather say, come, I want your baby batter in my face. Like, that's gross.

I want you come in your face. It's pretty bad too.

Yeah, but that's better than baby battery. Brings the mood down, changes everything. Okay. Man who met creepy woman online later found her stuck in his chimney.

Oh, I heard about this.

How crazy is this? So he was dating this woman and he went on six dates with her. He met her online, and we did talk about online dating last week. Some tips. He obviously didn't listen. It got pretty creepy pretty quickly. At around 5am he realized someone had tried to enter his home through the chimney, but luckily became stuck about 8ft from the top. She's like Santa or something. The Santa wannabe was actually someone the homeowner had gone on a few dates with recently. I wonder if illegal entry was part of her interests. So it's unclear what this woman's intention was, but the homeowner didn't appreciate it, called 911, and it was a horror because she was actually stuck in there for two hours and they had to, like, take apart the entire chimney and they arrested her. And so basically, the point is all you people, if you date someone online, don't. First of all, don't invite them to your house and don't tell me where you live after the first few dates. You really shouldn't. I don't think you should really come over.

I know idiots that people are so dumb. Meet people on Tinder and just have them come to their house and pick them up.

You guys are idiots.

Don't care. Do you think they gave her, like, two hours of time served for her time spent in the.

What is it? How much did they give her? It says.

I don't know. After we take the chimney, she was arrested for illegally entering A residence and providing false information to a peace officer. The victim gave a few words about the dangers of online dating. This is the best part, he said. This is the victim. Before you have somebody come in your house, really check them out. Really give it some time before you let somebody in, because they may want to stay. And then he looks at the camera and he's like, you're welcome. He's like, I'm so glad no one else is going to see this woman. He's like, you're welcome because it's on the news. I saw the news.

How did he discover it? Did he, like.

He heard her in her. His chimney.

Were her feet visible?

No.

Out the top.

I mean, couldn't you, like, die like that? What an idiot.

I mean, if he really disliked this woman, he had every right in the world to just, like, unbeknownst to him. I didn't know she was in there when I lit the fire and left the room.

She had a fire. Oh, my. He could have killed her.

He could have killed her.

But that's like a whole. Gives a whole new meaning to the world. Like, dropping by. I'm just gonna drop by. It's funny.

I bet you would have no problem going down a chimney. You'd make it down.

Oh, because. Because my body.

Yeah, you're quite small and statue.

Can make it into small little spaces that other people. People can't. It's one of my skills. But it's not chimneys. I don't want to go in chimneys. But I feel like. You know what? The lesson here is that people show you who they are and the issues you have on a third date, you'll likely have forever. And you might disagree with me, but think about the person you're with. And I'm not saying that you're going to break up with them. It's the person you married. Perhaps. But whatever it was, that kind of, I don't know, kind of bugged me about this person. It's not going to go away. You could be there 30 years, but you knew it on the third date. So this guy knew she was psychotic on the third date. And it says that he went on six dates with her, actually, so he knew. Crazy. But guys like crazy.

So I just wish that everyone dating, like, I wish that there was some kind of way. They used to have these sites, like, bad boyfriend sites. Do you hear this?

They don't have them anymore.

I don't know. They might, but it's like Yelp for boyfriends or girlfriends. And you could review them but you know, people would be angry and there's.

Gonna be a lot of misinformation on there. Yeah, yeah.

Like all my ex boyfriends would hate. No, I'm friends with them all. But after the breakup, they might be angry. You know, same mean things.

Yeah, they're bitter, they're scorned.

The manual. I just feel like we've all done so much dating and what's so wrong with like talking, lining up all the person's exes? It would save you so much time. And just be like, really, like, tell me what the deal is with him. Her.

That would actually be. Why don't. Why don't you stop talking about it?

I know. Sorry.

Yeah, because it's too good idea. You gave it away.

Take it. I know. It's a brilliant idea. Okay, we're going to move into some.

Spooky sex situations. Anderson, have you ever had a spooky. Like when I think. When I ask you about, like a spooky, freaky, weird sex situation. Have you ever had one?

Yeah, I've had a number.

What happened?

Okay, I was wearing a trench coat because that's what I did in eighth grade. Right, eighth grade.

Spooky. Okay.

And this one girl, we don't name names. She had a boy's name, though. Crazy as all hell.

Samantha. Sam.

Nope, don't name names.

Okay.

And I was actually in a closet hiding from her. We're at a party because somebody's parents are out of town. You know, like one of those. And she was told that I was in the closet, so she went in. There was on top of my trench coat, so I was trapped. I. I could not get up or out. And she, she, she. She molested me. Yeah.

What do you mean she molested you? She'll bring your jacket things.

Oh, she did lots of stuff to me. Yeah. And I was trying to get out. By the time I got out, there was bite marks all over my neck.

Sorry, where were you exactly?

I was in Araby. Oh. Araby was the girl whose house it was. And I was in her closet hiding. A little drunk. A little drunk. We're all a little bit drunk.

Eighth grade.

Yeah. Yeah.

And you were only wearing a trench coat.

No, I was wearing a trench coat. Clothes underneath it. But the trench coat, kind of like a cape, will fuck you up if you're a superhero for real. Like it'll get caught and stuff like they talked about in the Incredibles. And the trench coat was acting like. Like she was on top of it and I couldn't get out of it was, like, a straight jacket almost. And she was doing all sorts of stuff to my face and, like, biting me and kissing and grabbing me and, like, putting her nipples in my mouth. Weird stuff. Weird stuff. It's eighth grade, and I didn't like this girl.

Oh, my God.

She was kind of cute, too, but she was. I had lots of issues, lots of problems.

So aggressive in eighth grade.

Yeah. It almost turned me the other way. Pants down, she was going down there. And the weirdest thing, I was turned.

Off in eighth grade. P.S.

Turned off.

Would not be psyched. Yeah.

Turned off and scared, yet still aroused, which is more fucked up than anything, I think.

That's really.

But when I got out, everyone was laughing, and I had, like, bite marks and, like, actually blood on my neck.

Oh, no. Really?

Yeah.

That's really.

And I was, like, cool for it. Like, everyone thought I was cool for it, but it freaked me out.

You could arrest her. Did you tell anyone? Like, in eighth grade, you spread rumors like that?

Yeah, a lot of people. She didn't go to my school, luckily. But actually, no, she got kicked out so she could come to my school. She was a crazy bitch.

She's psycho. Yeah. Okay, so that's your scary story. All right. I'm trying to think if I have my scariest story. It's funny because I didn't even pre think of this. It'll come to me as I go through these. I'm sure I have one for each category. So the first one is inappropriate or unusual dirty talk. What do you do in those situations? And here's my Seinfeld reference number two. Do you remember this episode?

Go on, go on.

He's with this woman, and she wants him to talk dirty. And he doesn't really know what to do. And this is the scene that they're, like, in it.

And she's like, is it George or Jerry?

It's Jerry. And he's with this woman, and he's like. She's like, talk dirty to me. He's like, what do you mean? She's like, I don't know. Say something like. And he starts getting dressed. He's like, oh, your panties. Are those the panties that your mother laid out for you? And then she's like, ew, gross. Why are you talking to my mom? And she, like, ran out. So then the next day, like, he and George are at the deli, and he's like, I just said the panties. Like, why would you say, no good. You can't bring the mother. You can't bring the mother into it. Who wants to talk about their mother when they're talking dirty? So some dirty talk mistakes. Because I love dirty talk, and I feel like a lot of people would like it if they got over their hump Corolla.

Adam Carolla. That was a good one. By the way. The hump Corolla. He was dating a girl once. The story that he told back on Loveline way back in the day. And she's like, you know, say something awful. Say something bad to me. He's like, ah, your mother's a bitch.

That's very funny that he said during sex.

Yeah. Because he was trying to, you know, say something bad.

Right. That's hilarious. And then did she get mad?

Yeah, she didn't like that.

That's another thing. You don't say that. That's. That's funny for Adam. Carla. Okay, so I'm trying to think. If anyone ever said, no, I don't get offended. I'm pretty.

You are kind of unoffendable, huh?

I kind of am unoffendable.

I like that in you. That's good.

You can get mad at me. You can call me crazy on the show. Good trick. And I don't get mad. Thanks. Okay, so dirty talk mistakes. Too much too soon. So if you go from zero to, like, downright nasty.

Yeah. Those girls are creepy.

No. Or guys, you know, you guys are slow and don't go out of character. Like, too much swearing, all that stuff. Yeah. You think girls. You think girls do more escalated, less escalation of dirty talk than men. Just. You had this bad experience eighth grade. Well, that wasn't even dirty.

Well, I'm thinking of this one girl, she's, like, really meek and quiet. And then as soon as, like, we kissed a little bit, she's, like, turned into this totally different person and started going, I know, baby. That's right, baby. Kiss me again, baby. She became somebody else. It was really horrifying.

She probably heard that on, like, in a porn or something. So I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk dirty, but the first time you're with someone, kind of feel it out. Some people might have some, you know, moral opposition to it or something also being too vague. You don't want to be like, oh, that feels so good. Oh, that feels so good. The key to dirty talk is you want to be descriptive. So you want to see something like, like, oh, that feels so good. Isn't as hot as, like, your hands feel so hot on my ass. Something like that. Isn't that much more better Than much better.

Now, what if you weren't talking about the ass? What if you're talking about the front part?

You mean the pea pod?

Pea pod doesn't work. You can't say peapod because pee comes out of there.

So it's like, no, what were the other words for it? How about vagene? How about I want you to. I want you to f my p. No, I'm looking for the good one. I'm looking for a good one. My punani. Punani. Or my vajayjay.

It sounds like a Hawaiian's aunt or something. A punani.

I know it's bad, but people do mess up dirty talks. So you know what I'm saying. Too much too soon. Being too vague. The easiest thing to remember is just to be descriptive. And we've done shows on this before, too. And do you all know that if you're listening to this and you're like, I don't want this. I've got hundreds of episodes that you can just look for on itunes and you're like, oh, I wanted to learn more about dirty talk. But also another thing is, don't memorize lines from porn like your chick did. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Like, I know what you mean. I've been with guys where I'm like, you probably call everyone baby. Or like, you like, when you get prematurely babed.

It works, actually, if you're dating like two or three girls and you're afraid of using the wrong name.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you just call everyone hun or babe.

How soon do you babe them, though? Like how?

I never babed them. You can't babe them because you can't say babe. It's just like.

Can you say honey?

Honey? Yeah, sweetie. Thanks, darling. I had a girl, like, I don't think I ever used her name in, like three years. I just always called her name. No, I knew her name. I just called her different things. So you know, like, not her name. Yeah, I didn't like her name.

What was it?

Oh, Malva.

It's funny because I had this guy. I was going on a first date. I was set up with him in San Francisco, and he rings my doorbell, and I had, like, a speaker, you know, who's there. He's like, hey, babe, I'm downstairs. And I was like, I've never met you. I've never seen you.

It was a blind date and he called you babe.

He prematurely, way prematurely babed me. I was already like, I'm over this date before it started.

Maybe the poor guy he's probably trying to be extra casual. He's probably really nervous and he's overcompensating all the time.

Like, guys have this nervous yawn thing they do, which is so obvious. Have you. You don't know it cause you're a guy, but they like when they're nervous around a girl, they're like.

The nervous yawn. It's funny. And then they prematurely. Baby. So don't do that. Don't memorize lines from porn. Don't memorize lines from porn. And yeah, first time having sex, don't bust out all your dirty talk. Like I said, just take it slow. And also talking too much during sex, like too much dirty talk might be a distraction for someone.

I would definitely be turned off at too much.

Right. And you're like, I'm trying to focus here or whatever, but a little bit of dirty talk. And there was a quote I read last week from someone, not the Ron Jeremy one, which is really interesting that he said that he. He's given more women orgasms with his mouth than his penis. But there was a quote last week about women having more orgasms when they're using lube and they're having sex or a guy's like going down on him or fingering him or something and they. The guy talks dirty to him. She goes off like that. Climax.

A lot of women do that.

A lot of women. That's weird because it's our brain. We want to hear the word. That's why I always dated writers.

What words though? Because you guys all hate the P word, but I don't. The P2 word.

Oh, pussy.

The pussy word. But like, that's really the only one that works fine during dirty talk. Yeah. During dirty talk. Right? Is it?

Yeah, pussy. Pussy's fine during dirty talk.

All right. Okay.

I think, I mean, I. Okay, I'm.

I think it's so bad that it's good. You know what I mean? Maybe because just no other word really fits in there when you're actually doing dirty talk.

Yeah, there's nothing.

Oh yeah, that feels so good on my vagina.

I don't say vagina.

Here's my pink parts.

Yeah. My. Wooha. My. Hoo. Hah. What were some of these? The poonie. Oh, baby, I wanna f your poonie. Okay, when I come back, I'm going to tell you the next creepy, scary, freaky, weird thing that happens in bed and what to do about it. But first, a word from my amazing sponsors. If I seem really, really clear, focused, calm and Sort of healthy right now. It is because I am on this D herb cleanse and I was just feeling really tired. I need a reset button on my body and I've just been feeling super sluggish. And then I heard of D Herbs. So it's a new cleanse. You do it for 20 days and you can totally eat when you're on the cleanse and they just send you these bottles of pills. The one that I'm taking is the full body cleanse which turns out to be the number one selling cleanse I online over the past 10 years. I'm so glad it's not like that crazy concoction of like lemon juice and cayenne pepper which I tried that once and it does not work. You're just friggin starving and you will never have a lemon again. So now I've got my entire team doing it. We're all doing the D herbs cleanse at the office because I'm like I can't do this alone. And it's really, really fun. And over the next few weeks you're gonna start hearing the results. But this is just my first week and I have to say I do feel more energy. I'm waking up earlier. I'm more focused during meditation and during everything. I'm able to write more and I just feel happier. Don't I seem happy? And it only takes 20 days to flush out the toxins. You'll be done before you know it. You can get clean and lean in 2014 with the D Herbs full body cleanse. So go to dherbs.com that's the letter D herbs or herbs if you live abroad and check out type in promo code Emily and you get a discount today from our listeners. That's dherbsderbs.com or call them 8664 Deherbs. And let me just tell you one thing about this is that this is the thing that freaked me about. You could be weighed down by up to 25 pounds of toxic waste cooped up in your vital organs you know about. And get rid of all of it. It gets rid of all of it. So you call them, they got friendly people and they will help you out. So also. Oh, oh, guess what's next. So we were supposed to have Tara Patrick on the show tonight. She's a porn star. But since Tara couldn't be here, she makes a fleshlight of her vagina. She had to get it molded.

Her what? Her.

Sorry, it's her vagina. But so I have her Right here on the mic. Look at her. Can you see?

That's her mouth is the wrong way.

No, it's not. And she's got.

It's like a sideways slump.

And this is what, Tara Patrick's vagina. So she can't be here. And actually, this might be better than her being here because you actually get to see her vagina.

Right? You wouldn't be able to see that if she wasn't here. She got some labes on her.

She does. She's outer labes.

Those labes are flapping in the wind.

What do you think about them? Those labes are you.

I get worried with the labes sometimes. I'm afraid I'm gonna pair them. You know what I mean?

Nothing wrong with labes.

If the lube kind of dries up, you could rip and tear the Fleshlight.

Everyone of her vagina, so. Oh, she went off mic. Sorry, Tara.

Get her headphones back in.

She's really quiet too. I don't think she has much to say. I'm kidding. She's awesome. So here's her. Here's her vagina. Here's the thing. Fleshlight, number one sex toy for men. And it's probably the only one you want because you know women, we've got so many. I love that we're on camera now because I'm like, okay, I've got the rabbit. I've got all these toys. Men have one sex toy and you have your hand. And I understand that you're all saying, yeah, my hand feels great. Why the hell do I need anything else? It's a pain in the ass. Well, what if I told you that you could use this masturbation sleeve like Tara Patrick? They make them in porn stars. Not all of them are porn star vaginas, but they can be. And it simulates a feeling of real sex, so you actually feel like you're having sex. And it can feel even better than sex. I don't know what kind of sex you're having, but that's what they say. It's a different experience. They have the stamina training unit by Fleshlight, which also helps you last longer in bed. Body safe materials. And every woman has a vibrator, so every man should have one of these. So here's a new deal for my listeners. Fleshlight. What would be a Fleshlight without a lube? They are throwing in their award winning flesh lube. And if you go to my website, sexwithelmy.com and you click on the Fleshlight banner, you buy your Fleshlight Whatever one you want. And you put in code Emily, you will get free lube. And you know what? You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much lube. So go to sex with emily.com, flashlight, banner, code emily. Do it now. And I'm thirsty. All this lube talk. Okay, back to.

They have buttholes, too.

Oh, they do. Oh, I was with my gay friend today. I'm only saying that because you're talking about buttholes, and I. He wants a flashlight. So we looked up his favorite male gay porn star, and so I'm gonna get him one of those. Oh, but you mean. But, oh, no. They have buttholes for men, too. Sorry, Tara might have a butthole.

I don't think they have buttholes for women.

No, but for men, they have gay. If you're gay, they have buttholes for you.

I didn't know that I was gay, that that was gay.

No, no, no.

We got a bunch in here. Like, Ruhn was playing with them.

And Ruhn would.

It was like a beer can, and you take off the top.

No, but women. Women make.

No, but a lot of producer Ann made me put my finger in it, and it was uncomfortable. It got stuck. It's funny, it was really tight.

It got stuck. Well, that's why people like anal sex, because it's tight. But they do sell women's butts, and they sell male butts. Whatever you're into. But it's funny that you said finger in my butt, and we didn't even plan this, Anderson, because guess what? The next freaky, scary, spooky situation that can happen in bed that kind of freaks you out.

No idea.

Finger in the behind.

What?

Dude, you're so good. So, okay, lesson number one. Don't make any assumptions that anybody wants anything in their behind. You just. You can't assume it. Like, you just can't just stick your finger in there. Okay, so just because your last partner really liked it, maybe you're young, you have the one partner. Doesn't mean that this partner's gonna like it. So, like I always say, you need permission. It's not the kind of thing where you do it and you ask for forgiveness. You actually really need permission. And you can just start to rub around that area, use a little lube, and then if she or he pushes your hand away or says, no, no, no, then you know they're not into the anal play. But if they're like, baby, feels so good, you can stick your finger in. Maybe. But don't just do it without asking, because that could be freaky weird. Has a woman ever stuck her finger in your butt and it was unexpected? I'm sure she has.

Anderson, are you talking to me?

Who else have I talked to? You?

No, no, no. That's never occurred.

Okay, Well, I. It's occurred.

Girls have flirted with the area and, like, I do the swat away. Okay.

What do you mean you swat them? Do you swat or you just slide over on your foot?

I move away. I just change position. Change their position. You know, so their hands are no longer accessible.

Another. Okay, so another one. Speaking of the anus is accidental anal. Have you ever done that to a woman?

No, I'm way too large. Okay. But I think that it's kind of a small wiener phenomena. You know what I mean?

I've had it with a medium wiener. And it was like.

It actually entered.

Yeah. Like, for a second I was like, they don't. It wasn't on purpose. It was like truly accidental anal. Like, missed. Like, we were drunk and mixed up spots. And so that's when the guys. You know, it's an honest accident. It's. Ouch. So again, pull it out. Use lube if you really want a venal sex. But, yeah, guys get confused down there. I don't know. I don't know how it happened. It was scary.

I remember the first time I ever touched a butthole. I was terrified.

Really?

Yeah, I was like. She was really attractive.

Flashlight?

No, no, it was an actual buttock. I was, like, really young and she was really attractive and she was really into everything. And I was, like, fumbling around there, down there, trying to, like, find her vagina. And I went too far and I was like. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm touching her butthole right now. And then I made up some excuse. I had to get up and leave and put on.

Did you go in her butthole?

No, but my finger actually touched her butthole. And I was just freaking out because I was. It was just.

Did she. But did she.

My finger actually touched another human being's butthole. It was just really weird.

That is weird. Did she jump out?

No, she was, like, into it. She was down to do more. And I just. I was like a scary little kid. I'm like, what the.

I know it's scary. Especially. Yeah, the butthole just kind of shows up when you don't want it to sometimes. But here's the thing, okay? That's just accidental anal. That just happens. That's not even like. That's just one of these freaky Things because in honor of Halloween, that can happen in bed. Also, unusual kinky requests from your partner.

So, for example, have you seen Californication? The scene where David do covenants with that woman? She asks him to the woman to punch him in the face. And they're sex. She's like, punch me. He's like, oh, my God. Okay. And then he punches her. Like, people are into some weird things, stuff that you might not be into. So that can happen as well. Golden showers, bondage on the first date. These are all the things that I. Carl from work. What?

Having Carl over from work.

What do you mean?

Having like a third dude.

Oh, my threesome. Yeah, on the first date.

Oh, first date stuff I don't think I ever had.

No.

Well.

Well, this is like. You're right. An unusual kicky request can happen. That was. I think I was thinking the other thing.

Yeah, how you doing?

It can happen. Anything. You don't want to force a threesome on anyone. You don't want to force anything on anyone.

Any kind of kinkiness.

You gotta ease in, you gotta ask permission. So there's also like bondage on the first date. If someone wants to tie you up, you know, again, first date, I think you just kind of keep it kind of mellow, even if you. I'm not saying you can't have amazing sex. And there's a lot of people who are in like the BDSM kinky world. And then you're like, okay, green light, go, this is what we do. But if you're not so sure, you should, you know, take it slow. Especially the first time. You don't want to freak anyone out. And they might be into it, but they're still. Everyone's on their best behavior on the first date. Not that kink is bad, but they're just kind of having straight forward sex.

So also, how to deal with it? Like, what do you do if this happens? Let them know you're not sure that I'm really ready for this yet, but you'd be willing to try something maybe down the road or something that's less threatening to you right now? If it doesn't. Like if he wants to. To pee on you like a golden shower. You might say sneeze first.

We'll start with sneezing.

I might say, I'd rather have you throw a glass of cold water in my face or ejaculate on my face.

I don't know, maybe pee in a cup and let it get compromised.

Sex life, commitments, relationships are all about compromise. Because if you're like, not. Because a lot of times people could throw you things out of left field and you're like, I don't know if I want to do this. And you got to think about it.

What do you think of that? Of like the one sided fetishes?

What do you mean? Like people who.

Well, like I always remember this loveline call we had a long time ago where a girl was, she was in a relationship with this guy for a long, long time and like it was their third date when he came out and put all his cards on the table and said, hey, look, I'm in the diaper fetish. She was never into it, but she dealt with it. She, she went ahead with it because she loved him and she just, you know, learned to deal.

So he always had to be wearing a diaper when they had sex.

But she wasn't into it. But he was. Yeah, there's a lot that's not fair, right?

No, I mean if you love someone and you can kind of get over it. Like my friend dated like a cross dressing sheep herder. Like he was like a sheep, he was like a man. Like she was living rural place, but he was, he, he was very masculine, but he wore women's panties. And she's so chill. She's like me, she's like, okay, whatever. Like she didn't judge it, but a lot of people would freak out by that. So I think it depends who you're with. Also, if you have a fetish, like a true fetish, by definition a fetish, something that, that is required. Required for you to. You can't get off, you can't get off without it. So again, if you're with someone like an extreme fetish you can't deal with, you can never come around to it, it's not going to work. But if it's just someone who's like, oh, I kind of want to try, you know, spanking you, you could be like, well, maybe I'd like a little tap first or whatever. There's always ways to like, you know, to lessen it so it's not so extreme. Okay. Another tricky, tricky, scary, freaky, weird thing that can happen sexually is embarrassing moments. This is the drunk edition. Haven't you had weird drunk sex? Oh, I think that's when my accidental anal happened, that we were drunk.

Oh, you said that.

Yeah, I always did say that. Okay, scary moment if he's drunk and can't get it up. What? I said that already. I'm repeated.

I can't believe that he was capable of.

It was the second and I don't think he knew.

Were you guys getting really crazy that night with an empty wine bottle beforehand?

No. I mean, I don't remember actually. No, it was. It was a total mistake. It was like we hadn't even been together that long. Like we were dating for like maybe like 2. A month or two.

It was long distance. I bet you it's like 80% chance it was.

And he was so drunk that. Yeah. Oh, no, it really. No, Hundred percent. Like he didn't even remember it for real. I know him like he to this day. You wouldn't remember. I don't think I even ever told him until now. I should tell him we're still friends. He would laugh. But I'm like, is he into this? And I just like moved. But anyway, it was bad experience. Okay. Drunk sex though. So sometimes little people are like liquid courage. Liquid courage. And you know that sometimes you drink and it like can help you last longer. But if you go over the line and you drink too much. Whiskey dick. Whiskey dick. It's called whiskey dick for a reason.

Whiskey dick.

Right? And then there's all these guys who are like whiskey dick and then taking Viagra or doing virus.

That's good for the heart.

Dudes just stop with. You don't just lessen your amount of alcohol. It's not a big deal. Unless he's an alcoholic. And then it always happens. And that's a problem. But every once in a while. What are you laughing at?

I'm just a picture of the guy. I like to cut my whiskey with a little Viagra.

You don't know how many guys I know that are like, take drugs or do whatever and they're like out like partying.

Oh, I've party with those guys. And yeah, it's like they do blow all night, but they can't do blow unless they got tons of booze. They like to cut their booze with the coke.

Yeah. And then they do the blue pulp.

The blue pool pill. And they're like, strong leg bull.

It's gross. Yeah.

I haven't hung out with those guys in a while. I missed them.

No, it's you. Yeah. Good time. So I would say it's not a big deal. And if you can't get hard, just go to sleep and have amazing hangover sex. And in the morning, what is that like, hangover sex? Do you know that a lot of men, more than women, really love hangover sex? Like it help makes them feel better to have sex. Do you. You don't like having sex when you're hungover?

I mean, I've been so hungover where, like, I'm just desperate for out to get out of the hole and maybe I'll go at myself just to try and you know, get at least some temporary pain, but I wouldn't be able to deal with another person there, I don't think.

No, you couldn't have sex with your wife when you're hungover. Yeah.

She wouldn't allow it. First of all, why, like, ew. You smell like booze.

Oh, I hate when guys smell like booze in the morning. That's the worst.

Smell like an old homeless person. Get off me.

Yeah, no, she's right. That is kind of gross. So that's when you're drunk. That can happen. Okay. Also, you might not be able to. What else can happen when you're drunk? I guess just like, oh, women, anything.

I'm trying to think what I've ever done. I don't get that drunk. I don't get drunk enough for kids.

Or you could say women. Women always turn into lesbians when they're drunk.

No, no, they. No, women are always lesbians. It's. They're on the spectrum, and they just have the liquid curtain now. They're not lesbians. I'm not saying that every woman's a lesbian. I'm saying if you look at, like, the Kinsey spectrum, it makes sense.

You guys are the attractive women.

They're more open to it. And a lot of women want to try it, but there's a lot of women are like, hell, no. No way. But you get a little drunk. Little whatever. You might try.

Lose your inhibitions.

Yeah, you lose your inhibitions. Which is what? Which is why people drink. Because you can, like, go hit on that girl at the bar, but then by that time, you're too drunk and she doesn't want to talk to you. So just, like, learn to temper it out. Another drunk thing. Girls might do it. I just thought of this call in Loveline. We had the. So many women. And I had. My best friend in college did this, that she was giving a blow job and she, like, threw up on his penis.

Oh, from the gag.

No, it wasn't from the gag. It was like, she was, like, drunk.

Oh, she was just, you know what? Going up and down when you're drunk. And if you get the spins as well.

These spins. Okay, that's not a drunk thing. Okay. Awkward sex injuries is the other one. Do you have any. Have you ever had Sex. Sex wounds.

No, But a very good friend of mine who probably wouldn't appreciate me saying it, but he's already said it on our other podcast. He broke his arm fisting a girl. Broke his arm. He had to have a cast.

Come on.

Yeah, Mike Carano. We talked about it at length on the After Disaster. He doesn't like to bring it up. He's not coming in because we did the show last night.

Oh, my God.

He was. He's a giver. Okay, so he was with the girls a long time ago. He was fisting her. He was, like, up past his. His wrist, and she loved it. So he kept going, even though his arm was really hurting him. And it was hurting worse and worse and worse, but he kept going. And then broke it. Broke it three days later, like, it was still hurting.

Sex sent me to the ER thing. Like, he had to go with his hand.

The best is that he had. No, it wasn't stuck in there. But the best is he had, like, a full cast for, like, whatever was like, six weeks.

And how do you tell him?

And people are like, how'd you break your arm? And sometimes he'd tell him the truth, and sometimes he'd lie. But, yeah, Mike, no.

No one would believe him. Can we call him right now? Like, I really want to just get.

He'll gladly go on the show until he's.

Oh, my God. That is the most amazing thing. Like, I didn't even know you could. He must have just. Are you sure you broke it? Did he sprain it? Like, he had broken muscles.

He had to get a he.

Dude, did he break up with a girl, too?

It wasn't, like, compound fracture or anything.

But did he break up with her?

I mean, eventually. They're not together now.

Oh, my God. I've never heard of anyone.

He has an actual girlfriend now, so maybe he would not like to tell this story publicly. Oh, so I know if I had a similar story, my wife would not be.

I'm so over you guys with girlfriends. You won't talk about your house with me.

Let's just get rid of all of them for the sake of sex with Emily.

It helps. Content is king, baby. Okay, so Rugburn. I had that in college. Like, my friends were joking. Sex. Women. Like having sex on the carpet, small of your back. Yeah. And my friends were taking pictures of it and laughing. That's not a big deal. Okay. Penis injuries, girls, their mouth that can rip your. Have you heard this? Like, they rip their. Remember the open form? They rip your skin down. That Woman with braces. Yeah. The frenulum or even the tip. And she ripped it all the way down. He says, remember that? I call these two peas two ways.

Yes.

It's not funny. How do you deal with this? It's just an awkward thing, and the best way to handle it is to laugh it off. And all this stuff that happens, just don't take it too seriously. I mean, unless you have to go to the emergency room, in which case you should take that seriously. But, like, weird things like that, you know, rug burn, whatever. It's funny. You could fall off the bed. Have you ever fallen off the bed?

Oh, yeah.

And I had a friend whose wife. He was performing oral sex on her in the shower, and she had an orgasm and she fell over and she hit her head on the shower and passed out and had to go to the hospital. She was like. She was, like, unconscious.

Wow.

Quite an orgasm.

I got a terrible one that I heard.

What?

But she had the orgasm.

She had the orgasm.

It's like the guy getting touchdown, like, leaving his feet to catch the ball, knowing that he's gonna get smashed in the head. She went in for the big hit.

Yeah. Amazing.

Took it for the big O.

My friend told me this was his wife. I'm like, wow, that's really impressive. Like, in a way, I mean, sad, but, like, you must give a killer orgasm. You must be really good oral sex. Okay, what's your story?

It's something I heard on Loveline when I first began, but it's. It's so awful that I still remember it. It's a good story. It's compelling, but it's hard to hear.

Okay.

Kid called up, and he liked to beat off in a very peculiar way. Right. He would take the. The plunger and he would suction cup it to the bottom of the tub.

Okay.

And then he would lube himself up back there, and he would kind of insert it into his bum while he was playing with himself.

The plunger.

The plunger handle, because it was like, you know, it was lodged onto the tub.

Got it. Okay.

And he go ride it up and down, up and down while holding onto the shower curtain, and shower curtain gave and he punctured. Yeah. He had to go to the emergency room.

How far did he go?

Lots of, like, internal bleeding.

He called in.

He called in with it afterwards. Yeah. And explained the. The injury.

That is. That's actually one of the worst things I've heard on Love. One of the most hardest things to hear that I've ever heard on Love Island. And I wasn't even.

I know, right? It sticks with me. Like 12 years later. I still remember that one.

That is bad. Oh my God.

So careful with those plungers in the. In the shower, dude.

Men, okay? I'm always saying that men will stick their penises anywhere but their butts too. Like they're always sticking their penises and things and get stuck and hurt, but then in their anus as well.

Not every guy. Come on.

Every guy. Most guys. Okay, so. So if someone is too hurt. Okay, so here's what you do. If someone's too hurt to continue, you just apologize profusely and, you know, leave town immediately. No, I'm just kidding. What would you do, Anderson, if you. If you accidentally hurt someone during sex, what would you do?

I'd hurry up and finish and then I'd take them to the hospital.

You'd be like, let me finish.

No, no, you just stop.

Whatever, babe, I'm about to come. Wait, here's an Advil.

Whatever you need to do, right? You just stop.

So Madison, my lovely Madison, who works with me, she had an experience. She was hooking up in the front seat of a car and accidentally kicked a guy's windshield wiper. So stick clean off his steering wheel during oral. Whoops.

Must have been good. It just like flew off. Like it broke off. Snapped.

Yeah, the front seat of the car. She kicked a guy's windshield wiper stick clean up. Wow. Yeah.

Wait, but Madison, she's sitting behind me.

Did Madison come. Can she come talk on the mic there?

Yeah. We got some questions for you.

Yeah, Madison, I can't read. That's not. You need to tell it to be fair.

It wasn't that. It was that good. It was that when guy doesn't know what he's doing and all he's doing is just like pawing around at nerves. Every once while he'll hit one and you kick like a horse. Cuz it kind of like tickles a little bit, right? You ever had that, like, jerky reaction?

No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I have. Totally.

And so that's kind of what happened. I, like, hadn't really had oral before, like that often. And we were in the front seat of his truck and I just kicked and I hit the windshield wiper stick thing and it just like flew off. And it was only held there by a wire. And what's worst is we remained friends. And so years later, or months later, I was in the car with him and a new girl he was dating and it was raining and he went to go turn the windshield wiper and had to, like, like, play with the wire.

Cause he still didn't get it fixed.

And she was like, oh, my God, what happened? Like, how did that happen? And he looked at me and he goes, yeah, one day it just started raining out of nowhere, and I went to go turn it on and it broke. And she was like, yeah, I hate when that happens.

Oh, my God, how funny that you were there for that. That's crazy. That's a good story.

Did he stop, though? Like, when. When you kicked it off initially, when he was down. And did he stop and go, oh, man, what'd you do? Or truck.

What the hell? He'd.

But I wasn't having a good time, so I was just kind of like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. Like, let me pay for it. And you wouldn't let me pay for it. And then the hooking up stopped, and I was okay with it.

I picture Madison saying, no, and then he's like, no, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. But she wants out, so she keeps kicking, like, other things off of his car. His rearview mirror. Goes next. Kicks out the front window.

Hey, what if he was like, you know what? I'll get back to you. And he sent you an invoice the next day. It's $22. I could see that, douchebag. You never date him again. That is a funny story. Okay, so I'm trying to think sex injuries. Mine is just. I mean, I've had some injuries, but nothing too bad.

The dry anal. Rape.

What's the dry anal?

Right, That's. That was kind of an injury.

It was so split second that I'm not even sure it was anal rape. Like, I'm pretty sure it was, but it was like, in and out. And I never really even had anal sex before. So, yeah, it was good times. The other thing I was going to tell you about injuries. Okay, that's all hygiene issues. Here's another one. These are big. These are hygiene issues. Is the number one killer of people's sex drive. So if you didn't shave and you really should have shaved, I think that women think about that a lot. Like, oh, damn. Or like, you're wearing bad underwear. Like, you know, earlier, you're not so fresh, and you're like, I should have done something.

Down under.

What? You don't worry about that.

Down under.

Down under. Oh, down under Comfort. I actually make a product called Down Under. Comfort.

And it's a guard against it, so.

You don't have to worry about it.

Knock that off your list of things to make.

You might wake up in the morning as a dude, and you don't even know that you're about to get a blowjob that night. Like, you don't even know what portends for your future. And if you use it in the morning, it's like I use talcum powder, which is super messy. It's a light, fresh scent, and you don't sweat. And it's for women, too. Under the rest. Down under comfort. Emilyandtoni.com, use code EMILY. 20% off.

Now you're going to Mexico.

I don't even need it. I am.

You leave tomorrow morning.

Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone in that country needs the down. Especially where you're going. The part where you're going. Yeah, Cabo. Because it's just so humid. Like, I brought my down under when I went there. Went to Cabo a few months ago, and the down under came in nice.

And handy, doesn't it? And when you go to the gym. Oh, really? You're right. I should bring it very humid.

Yeah. Very humid down there.

Okay. It is.

Wasn't suggesting all Mexicans need. Because they're not fresh.

You think I should.

I was talking about the climate.

You think I should be like, hey, hola.

Be clear.

Yeah, hola.

Hola, senor. I have something for your balls, for your huevos.

I'm just gonna bring little samples. No, it is true. And also, when I was in New York, I never really, like. I've used it. I just use it every day. But I was dripping sweat this summer because we don't have the humidity here as much. But anyway, whatevs. This was not a. I was not trying to bring that. But so always shower.

I just thought of something. You hate the word moist so much that you actually developed a product to, like, knock it out so people don't have to talk about their moist areas.

I don't hate balls ever again. So just use that. No Indo girl. No girl wants to go near your moist balls either.

It's true.

Your moist vagina, on the other hand.

Wow.

What? I hate those two words.

Both words, back to back. You know what?

Together they all go. Those are my two least favorite words. And I just use them in a row. I'm really sorry. Okay, so just gotta shower and prep beforehand. Anytime there's a slight chance, like a slight. That maybe we'll have sex. Just go to the bathroom, use a Little soap, wipe up. Everyone's got, like, a towel in their bathroom. Just people don't do that as much as they should. Don't make a big deal of it. If it's really bad, you can also feel like, oh, my God, I didn't clean up. Just excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. But have you been with a woman and she didn't shave and you freaked out?

No.

I know we were talking about the bush here last week.

Well, I don't appreciate having to navigate my way towards the whole area.

Who was telling the story here last week about showing up with pubic hair in their teeth after giving oral sex to someone? Was it Mike? No. Someone.

Yeah. Who was that? And they smiled. I think it might have been a love line maybe.

Oh, I don't know. I can't. I get love lines.

Yeah, it all kind of blends together. But yeah, I think, like, he smiled and he had a big pubic area in between his teeth. Some. A collar.

That's so funny. Oh, yeah, that was during our open forum. Okay.

Another one is there's a great speaking. We were talking about Seinfeld earlier. There's a great episode of Curb you, Enthusiasm with Larry David. And he gets pubic hair stuck back in his throat.

I never think of that.

Stuck for there for like a week or two.

And he gets going to lunch and he's like, right.

Yeah. He kept clearing his throat and he was telling everyone, they're like, what's wrong, Larry? You got a cold? No, it's a pubic hair stuck back.

So awesome. Okay, Another moment that could be scary for women is when you pull out your sex toy for the first time. That could be scary. You don't know how a guy is gonna react. And you don't. I don't often suggest, like, it's again, the first date, but if your partner is a sex toy virgin, like, I wouldn't just pull out the sex swing like that day.

Take it down, ease them in again.

I always take down my sex swing before my first date.

You don't actually disassemble it. You just make sure it's up on the rafters.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I can just actually have this remote control sex wing.

What about this? What about if she actually.

I really don't have one. You might in my garage. I've never used it.

Keep delusion. What if she actually just inserted it beforehand, knowing that she could have sex later? And then that's how we find it. Like, he just goes in and there's like, something Already in there.

No, you would not. The only sex toy that you do that with. It would be the we vibe that's meant to be worn during sex. But if there was already like something like this. Okay, if we are on yout stream right now, I brought in the rabbit just. Just to show everyone, just for fun. Check this puppy out. It has like. Anyway, if this was inside her, did you see these pearls? You can't fit your penis in there. I mean, maybe you could, but it would, you know.

No, no, no. I'm saying that she should already have it inside her.

No, but she already has.

Insider. Yeah, when he tries to go, he's like, hey, what's this Roadblock?

You're cock blocked by a cockpit.

And then she's like, oh, yeah. I just wanted to, you know that I like to use toys too. Let's incorporate.

Yes. No, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. I say subtle. I say you start out with something very, very subtle. Because a lot of women, in fact most require more clitoral stimulation than intercourse or a man's penis can provide. Sometimes you can rub it a certain way. But a lot of women, they just need it. And so look at this cool thing I brought in. This is, you know, I talk about the Girls. Vibratex. Look at this.

And it's like, hold it up to the mic. I can't hear it. What does that do?

It goes on your.

Looks like an alien's phone.

I know, but look, there's this one too. It's called the Girls by Vibratex. You can get them at Good Vibes. Go to my website. Click on Good Vibes. Look at this. They're called the Girls. They come in a pink leather thing. But you can just look. How intimidating is this? Because guys think vibrators.

That looks like a fat tongue.

When guys think of vibrators, they think of this.

This big giant black dong, the one.

That I gave Mike. This is what they think of. But this is a pink friggin thing that goes on. You won't even notice if it's in my hand and I'm touching my clitoris and your penis is inside me, for example. And your orgasm is like 10 times stronger. So everyone just needs to friggin relax about sex toys. But also like, there's also the. Oh, I brought the Mimi. Because I always talk about the Mimi. I told you.

Like with a river stone.

Yeah, it's like you take a little stone, but it's the most powerful vibrator. I love it.

This is my first time ever seeing the Mimi.

I know. I can't turn it on right now.

They're kind of cool. I could skip that across a lake bed. Pretty good, too.

But, like, would you even. Okay, so if we start having sex, let's say you put your penis on my vagina.

Just. Just hypothetical, for the sake of. Yes.

And I was like, oh, it slips.

Out and goes through your.

But then this goes over my. Like, you know.

Yeah, just right there. Perfect.

And you can't even hear it. It's not loud, so what? Ups.

But that'd be kind of weird, though. Like, let the guy know. Because if I'm having sex with a girl and I look down, all of a sudden there's a liver, a river rock on top of a vagina, I.

Would always bring it up first. I'm not saying that you just grab it, but you kind of say, hey, I got a toy. Like, how do you feel about toys? Or, I'm gonna show you my. Can I show you my toy? It's really cool. Whatever. I mean, most people that I've been with, I guess I haven't had this, but Madison wrote a great blog about it on my website. She was kind of breaking her sex toy cherry with her boyfriend, and it's very funny about how he discovered it. A lot of women have these experiences about guys, like, discovering their vibrators. Like, it's something horrible, but it's not. So you can talk beforehand. Just don't bust it out or you might make him feel threatened. Because the thing is, it's not even that they think that it looks like this big, black penis extender.

That's like a dildo, right? It's different. No, this is actually vibrators dildo.

Well, that's technically not extender for Mike, but that I gave him. But. But. But. But really, in my head, this is what they think. But men often also think that if you use a vibrator, they're not pleasing you, that they're doing something wrong. That's how they feel about Lou.

Well, those are insecure guys that you should have probably dated.

I do not date them. I actually don't. So, you know, you want to make him feel like he's doing a good job. So, anyway, we. That's what we have time for. So this was just our super scary Halloween episode. Scary, sexy things that can happen to everyone. And thank you, Anderson, everyone. Check out his hilarious podcast After Disaster and the film Vault. Thank you, Shiga, and thanks everyone for listening. Follow me. Do it Instagram Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff and we'll talk. So thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackextectwithmily.com.

Hey everyone. You know I love some sex toys and as I was talking about, if you go to sexwithemily.com you can find my favorite toys. You just click on the Good Vibes banner and I've actually got a store there and you click on it and they carry all the best brands. You can get the Vibratex girls, which they're great for your hand holding, your clip for your clitoris, the Dahlia great G Spot stimulator, and even the strongest, most orgasmic vibrator of all times, the Magic Wand. So go to my site, sexwithelmy.com, click on the Good Vibes banner and you'll see my favorite toys. Plus coupon code GVMILY20 get you 20% off hey guys, TrueCar is changing car buying forever TrueCar helps car buyers get rid of the fear that they might overpay Just in the first six months of this year, over 275,000 cars were sold by the TrueCar Certified Dealer Network, and TrueCar users save an average of $3,221 off MSRP. When does that happen? When you're ready to buy a car, just follow these three easy steps. First, go to TrueCar.com to find out what others paid for the car you want. Then register to see upfront pricing information and lock in your savings. Third step simple Just print out your savings certificate and take it to the TrueCar certified dealer for a better hassle. Free car buying experience Some features are not available in all states. To see how much you can save on the car you want, Simply download the TrueCar mobile app or visit TrueCar.com today. That's TrueCar.com there's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health, magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger, and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep But Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A l I a life.com sexwithemily thanks for qualia for sponsoring this episode.