Your Orgasmic Potential with Xanet Pailet

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps, it licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course, I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that, right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Janay Palette, a sex and intimacy coach and author of the forthcoming book Living an Orgasmic Life. We talk about reaching your full orgasmic potential, overcoming the shame pleasure paradox, understanding the difference between arousal and desire. And we walk you through an exercise to tap into your sexual energy, something you can do along with us. There's a lot of useful tools and information packed into the show. And of course, it's also a good time. Enjoy the show. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty Good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithelmily.com thank you, everybody who's been visiting this site and reading all the blog posts, because we've got a lot of great stuff going on on the website, and I so appreciate that. And thank you also for subscribing to the podcast. You guys, it's so important that you subscribe. It really helps us continue to do the show. Do it twice a week to keep it free. I love that. It just helps. Just press that subscribe button. It doesn't change your life at all, but it can help. Well, it does change your life. Let me tell you why it changes your life, because you'll get two episodes a week. They'll automatically show up for you. And you can also go back to where you were. Fast forward the spot that you left off on the podcast. That helps. So I love that. And you can also follow me on all social media. It's ex with Emily across the board, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, all of that stuff. And I love hearing from you on there as well. But if you have a long. Here's my note to you. If you have a longer question that you want me to answer, please email me feedbackextwithelmy.com or go to the website. Because if it's on SNAP, I read it, it goes away, I save it. Sometimes I forget to go back. You guys understand how SNAP works and all that, so just best to go through the website and they will get to your question. And now I'm going to get to my amazing guest sitting here. I'm so excited to talk to Janae Palette. Janae and I took class together. We did our Somatica training in San Francisco last year. Janae has a book coming out, and I loved your book, Janae, because I feel like my listeners get so much out of it because there's such practical exercises for people to improve their sex life. I'm gonna get to that in a minute. But Janae is a former healthcare attorney. She's a sex and intimacy coach, and Janay lived in a sexless marriage for over 20 years, and I think a lot of you can relate to that. We get these questions all the. She's no longer in that sexless place, and she's done really hard work. She's gotten every certification on the planet so she could help herself and others. Men and women have better sex and relationships. And she's really passionate about working with people who are sexually disconnected, which is something that I really want to talk about today as well. People being disconnected from their bodies, and it's a big reason why people don't want to have sex. And you help people reclaim their pleasure, transform their relationships. And welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here. And let's talk about your book, Living an orgasmic Heal yourself and awaken your pleasure. Great title, great book, great everything. So you wrote this book because you were in a sexless marriage? I mean, you didn't know you were to write the book like, it's after 20 years of. Or you were in the relationship for 20 years? Sexless marriage.

I was married.

Tell me your story. Break it down.

Well, Emily, I was married for 26 years. We actually signed our separation agreement on our 26th anniversary. That was done purposely.

Okay.

I would say a good 20 of those years was a sexless marriage. And it's not like it happened immediately. These type of things start happening kind of gradually. And honestly, I feel like I've always blamed it on my husband. But what I realized when I started doing my own work was that it was really all my own stuff. I mean, a lot of it was my own stuff where I was just so shut down around my sexuality. Sex had always been painful for me.

So, like, really physically painful.

Physically painful, like, felt like a knife going into your vagina. That's how painful it felt. It's horrible. It's a condition called vaginismus.

Yeah, we hear about this a lot. It's very common for women to experience pain. So during that time in your marriage, did you ever go see a gynecologist or try to get it checked out?

It's a really good question. I had a lot of visits with. I mean, this is the other part of the problem. I had a lot of physical wounding. Like, I had a lot of urinary tract infections, and I constantly had all sorts of other, like, yeast infections. So everything and anything having to do with sex sucked. It just did, Right? It just did. And I don't know that I ever talked to. Not until I had a female gynecologist and I was already out of the marriage did I even bring it up. Right. Because I think there was so much shame and embarrassment and feeling like I was broken.

Right.

Of course.

I think that there's so many women who feel that way, even if they just mean that extreme. And then also, women just can't have orgasms or don't want sex and have low libido. And I feel like your book is just. I'd be thinking something and then you cover it. Like, there's so many great tools in there. So, I mean, that's just. So you were there. You were in New York. I mean, your whole story about high profile job, you know, raising your kid, one, your son, two kids, super talented. Like, you and your husband were, like, living, like, on the outside. Looks like the perfect life, right? Beautiful home. What could be wrong? They seem so happy. Except for they're not having sex.

Except that we're not having sex.

So you got divorced. Still having pain that you separated.

You know that happens, right? The marriages just start falling apart. We were sleeping in separate beds. Like, we really were very good, A very good parental unit and even like a little bit of a business unit because, you know, we did some theater work on the side, but, like, we were not lovers. We had no lovership relationship.

Right, Right. So when you said. I think it's really interesting when you just said you would blame him for everything, and I think that is really common. Could you tell me some of the things? I mean, you don't have to get as specific if you don't want to, but I think that people might be able to relate to, like, not that you were having pain, but, like, it's more that he didn't do well.

He didn't do it. Right. I wasn't aroused enough. I was always dry. You know, I would. You know, he would try to go down on me for, like, 45 minutes and nothing would happen. Really? What happened now? I know I just checked out. I disassociated. Right. I really wasn't in the experience. And so I never. I really didn't have orgasms until, you know, I hit my 40s and, you know, had finally, like, was like, huh, I'm gonna try this vibrator thing. When sexuality started stirring in my body in my mid-40s as I was realizing I was gonna be leaving this marriage. Okay.

And then it started stirring again.

It did. Okay, it did start stirring.

And then what stirred it up?

Oh, yeah.

When I wasn't a health care lawyer, I was producing theater. Broadway shows in New York City, like, musicals. And I, as part of that, I had to raise a lot of money. And so I started taking a lot of different men with a lot of money out to lunch. And I started getting some attention from them, which felt really, really weird because, you know, nobody had told me I was pretty or I was sexier and I certainly didn't feel that way, but.

And you should see her. Beautiful, sexy woman. Okay, thank you.

And then something just started stirring inside of me. That's all I can say. There was like, there's something missing in my life. I'm not sure what it is. I have a successful career, my kids are awesome. We have this beautiful apartment in New York City, living this perfect life. But there's this peace that's so missing for me, where I was so not fulfilled. It was just. That's what it felt like. It felt like a stir.

How many years ago was that? You've been on this track for so.

About seven years or so.

All this you've done in seven years? Jesus, you've been busy. I mean, I can't believe it. To me, like, that's like a lifetime. Okay. Which is great why you wrote, because you can go through these experiences that you've had. You really, like, hit it off. So seven years, and now you're having, like tantric full body orgasms.

Yeah. And ejaculating and, you know, feel a lot of pleasure and sensation.

Is your husband like, hi, can we try this again? Does he know what's going on? He's like, what the hell? I got the vaginismus genae. What's the deal? So the name of your book, Living an orgasmic Life. Heal yourself and awaken your pleasure. What does that mean, to live an orgasmic? I picture you living an orgasmic life right now. Like, you probably are having one right now. But really, what does that mean?

Yeah. So for me, living an orgasmic life means that you're, you know, you know what a great orgasm is about flow. You have these peaks and these valleys. But there's an ease to a great orgasm. You don't have to struggle. Right. So to me, living an orgasmic life is living a life that has ease to it, that flows to it, where you can fully, like, put yourself out there and do whatever it is that you feel that you need to do. Living an orgasmic life is really about being in the flow. And, you know, it happens because when we connect with our sexuality at a very deep level, it really does create a flow in our body, a flow of energy.

So let's talk about why we are so disconnected before we can talk about connecting everybody.

Great.

Why are we so disconnected from our bodies, men and women, if we could talk about. I mean, I love that, you know, you are a woman and you know your own experience. So. And that's why I love That a man could never have written this book. He can't have the kind. He doesn't have the refractory period we have. He doesn't have the organs. We have the whole thing. So. Right, let's talk about this disconnect. Why we shut down.

Yeah. So. Well, we shut down for a lot of different reasons, but I think it starts with that. You know, I say in my book that women are just pre programmed to say no from all the messages that we received about because of shame or.

We'Re going to be a slut.

We're going to be a slut. Exactly. All of that stuff. Right. So that already makes us start with a no, that's one piece of it. A second piece that I think is really important, and it's a big difference between men and women is that men wear their arousal equipment, their penis, their testicles, on the outside of their body. And as little boys and as teenagers, they're constantly feeling their cock and they're constantly feeling arousal. So they are much more physically aware of sensation and excitement. And oh, when I get aroused, I have a response. Right.

And so let's talk about the difference because I think this is a very confusing point for so many. I mean, I say this a lot on the show, that women are slow cookers, men are frying pans, get turned on really quickly, women don't. And I love the way you kind of break down arousal versus desire in your book. So let's kind of explain that this is why it happens. You know, men and women were very different. Yeah. So that your arousal actually has to precede your desire.

That's right. For women, your arousal has to precede your desire. Right. So. And we've all had that experience. Right. Like, well, maybe I wasn't like quite ready for it, but then I started getting turned on and then it was feeling really good and then I had an orgasm and then my partner was done and I was like, are you kidding? Come on, let's keep on going. Right. And that's very typical.

Although libido is related to I don't want sex, you don't have the desire.

So another way in which women get disconnected is all of the issues around menstruation and any female problems that women have. Right. We start looking at our vagina and we start looking at our whole pelvic bowl as separate from the rest of our body as not part of us. And so we physically disconnect. It's like, oh, it's happening down there. As opposed to, oh, this is A part of me.

It's so important. Ivy. I talk about this all the time. That when you do. We talk about this a lot at our somatica, too. But when you do your Kegel exercises or you meditate, and if you don't breath, work is just everything. It will help you with your stress, your anxiety, your sex life, your focus, your concentration, your health. But when you actually deliberately breathe into your pelvic floor, that is like a first step towards awakening.

That's absolutely right.

I just did it just now.

Yeah, it feels really good.

It does feel really good. But it's not even like you're literally. I mean, how do you explain that? You have great exercises in the book. You have some around breathing in.

I mean, breathing is one of the critical components of being able to awaken your sexuality, right? Because there's this great saying, the more you breathe, the more you feel. And it happens on a lot of different levels. The more you breathe, the more oxygen you bring into your body, the more your nerve endings all over your body start feeling, firing. Most of us are, like, not bringing nearly enough breath.

Oh, God.

Into our body.

It's a lifelong practice.

It is.

So, I mean, eventually it could become more of a habit, I guess, to breathe, which, you know, something I've always been working on. I think a lot of people don't even realize that they're holding their breath a lot. You know, sometimes they'll hear me off, have, like, huge sighs. I'm like, no, I'm not stressed. I'm just remembering to breathe, you know? But I've known this for years. So it is a great practice. So that's part of it, is the physical part. People can start with breath, but another reason why we're also disconnected and shut down is because of a lot of trauma, early experiences we've had in our life. I mean, there's just trapped emotions, right? Emotions in our body.

In our body as well. I mean, the. You know, I talk about a woman's pelvic bowl as being her second heart, and her second heart pulled that quote out.

I loved it. You say woman's pelvic. Do you mind if I quote you? Please. The woman's pelvic bowl, the uterus, ovaries, vagina, is her second heart and second brain, the source of tremendous love and wisdom and the gateway to orgasmic life energy. It is from this place of birth and rebirth that we sow the seeds for all of our future endeavors and deeply connect to all of our emotions, including those in the deep recesses of our brain and our body. So when I say we all talk about breathing and doing your Kegel exercises and being connected, this is what we're talking. It truly is the source of the feminine, of our energy. And I've been very disconnected. I still walk around sometimes disconnected. So it's a practice, right, in life. And that's me, you guys, I'm being very honest. So it's okay if you're still feel disconnected sometimes, but we want to like wake everybody up so you can truly be connected most of the time, especially when you're having sex and well, I mean, hopefully you're connected in life when you're with your friends, your life walk through life being present and connected. But what we're focusing now is being actually connected during sex. Because not only you shut down until you don't want sex, but a lot of people have sex or having sex and they leave their bodies disassociate, all of that. So I think it would be fun if we did an exercise for in the book.

Let's do it.

Okay, your turn. You pick.

Okay. So I think we should do the sexual blueprint exercise.

What does this do?

So just like every house has a blueprint, an architectural blueprint with doors and plumbing. We have a blueprint that governs our relationship with sex and intimacy, but specifically with sex. And the blueprint is based on a couple of things. Messages that we received as kids around sex, early childhood sexual experiences like with playing doctor and masturbation, and then early sexual, like first actual sexual experiences.

Okay.

And depending upon the messages that we received, it really has an impact on our relationship with. With sex as an adult because we carry that with us.

Right. Okay. Yeah. Great. Okay, so we're uncover mine.

Yeah, let's uncover yours.

Oh, God.

All right, let's look at some of the messages that you received from your parents about sex. And so we would want to look at like, did your parents kiss in front of you? Were their kisses tender or were they kind of perfunctory? Did they sort of create a sex positive kind of environment where there was some affection?

Yeah, good question. There's a little bit. My parents got divorced when I was 8 or 9. I probably saw them kiss a little bit, but not much. Yeah. So I don't know about it. It wasn't. Not a. It wasn't a sex negative environment, but they did get divorced. So I don't really remember them being that connected.

Were there other people? Like, did your mother remarry and she.

Have boyfriends and was that and that was a disaster. Well, I mean, my mom had. I had an abusive stepdad for four years that lived with us six months after she got divorced from my dad, and he moved in. And that was bad. He was, like, physically abusive. And emotionally. More emotionally. So that was bad. My parents were each married three times and stuff like that. Yeah.

So lots of challenges. Right. So that makes us feel less safe around.

I never felt safe.

Male, female relationships. Right. And less confident and not having, like, the role models for what a healthy sexual relationship could look like. Right, right. So that's part of your sexual blueprint, for sure. Right. In my case, my dad died when I was 3, and my mom was 43, and she never remarried, and she never even dated.

Wow.

So she was, like, essentially asexual.

Right, right.

And so there was.

Oh, so maybe that's where some of your stuff came from too. Right? That's what you saw. Mm. See, that's interesting. Cause I did see my mom go out on dates and start dating before. After the divorce with the second guy. But, yeah, that's interesting. Okay, so from your mom, you were. Your mom was not a sexual person. Your dad died before you can even remember.

Totally interesting.

Okay.

So it made me feel totally, like, uncomfortable. And, you know, she. Like, when I had my period, she could barely talk to me about it. And it's like. So that's a part of the disconnect.

Of, you know, we have so much shame around it.

Right, Exactly.

We don't understand our bodies. Okay, got it.

Another type of message that we receive or experience that we have are, like, early sexual exploration.

Okay.

So. Yeah. Did you have any experiences that might have not gone as well as you would have hoped or ways in which.

You know what's so interesting so early. That's interesting. Ask about the early sexual experiences, because I really didn't have any. I mean, I. You know, my boyfriend. You know, I've had sex when I was, like, 17, my boyfriend of a year. But my big thing is, for me, I didn't feel anything. I think I was very shut down emotionally because I had a lot of trauma growing up. And so for me, I never masturbated. It never even occurred to me. I never even knew that there was anything to feel. And so it wasn't until I started having sex when I was in college that I was just talking to my girlfriends one day, and I was saying to them, they were having sex. I'm like, I just don't get it. I was like. I felt close to my boy because I Had another boyfriend at the time for two years in college. And I was like, I don't get it, though. They're like, well, don't you have an orgasm? It was like the first time I'd heard of orgasm, you know, So I was a very late bloomer in that way. But I also feel like even after I found out what it was, I still felt that my body was just kind of shut down.

Yeah. What about as a child? Like, do you have memories of playing doctor or doing anything like that?

Well, it's funny because you talked about playing with a girl and you got sent home right when you were a kid. And I just remember when one story. Playing with my friend Jennifer in, like, third grade. And it's funny cause I had six friends named Jennifer. So if any of them are listening, no one will know who they are. But Jennifer, we must have been like third grade. And I remember sitting in my room and she was like playing my boyfriend, and we took our shirts off and she put her hand on my boob. I remember it felt good. I remember thinking, oh, that was kind of sexy, and turned me on. But that's the only time I remember having any kind of early play, which I didn't remember till I was reading your book.

Often we don't remember those things until, like, you get prompted.

I think it was a lot of survival mode after the age of eight to, like, now.

And it makes sense, right? Because when you're in a. You're feeling like you're in an unsafe environment and there's a lot of trauma.

Right?

Right. You just are not connected with your sexuality because to be sexual, you have to be vulnerable. And that's the last thing that you could possibly want to be.

Right. To show weakness and to show that. Right. So. And I think that a lot of people, we have trauma of all different. Right. Maybe shut down for so many different reasons. So a lot of the sexual challenges that people have, men and women, are going back to this trauma that we have not healed. If one in three women have sexual trauma, is it one in six men have sexual trauma?

I think it's like one in five men. Yes.

And so imagine if we all could solve that. So let's keep going to do some more blueprint questions.

Can I share my. Because I had a really intense experience which had a huge impact on my sexuality, but I didn't realize it until I was in my 50s. Okay.

Wow.

Which is pretty amazing. So When I was 7 or 8 years old, we had this dog. His name was Lucky. He Was a Yorkshire terrier, Very cranky dog. And I had a love hate relationship with him mostly. He was very nippy and barky and snarky, and he used to hide under my bed and bite me if I tried to get him to take him out for a walk. But one thing about Lucky is that he started jumping on my bed and sniffing my pussy and then he started licking it and it. And I was like 7 or 8 years old. Right. And it felt really good. And I also knew from my earlier experience of thinking that my best friend had been, you know, left the country because we got caught playing doctor, that this was really bad. Like, what I did with her was terrible.

This was all in the book about your foot. Right, okay, got it.

This was like much, much, much worse.

Right.

And I was always anxious every time he did it that my mom was gonna walk in. Right. So what happened was there was this anxiety coupled with pleasure. Anxiety coupled with pleasure. Right. So then it makes sense, why did I hate oral sex? Right. I associated my body associated with pleasure, especially oral sex, pleasure with anxiety and fear. Right. And it was actually like a learned body response. Yeah. It wasn't until I started doing my own work that I was like, oh, my God. I couldn't. You know what? It was so intense that I repressed this memory. I didn't even remember it when it came to.

That's when you kind of were able to release a lot of your. This is part of healing your pain.

Yeah. So part of, like, one of the ways in which we start to heal our shame is to normalize it and to be able to talk about it. And this was fascinating because I talked about it at a retreat and it was very hard for me to talk about it. And then somebody else came up and said to me, oh, you know, I used to let my cat rub against me. Oh, yeah.

I'm sure there's so many people you hear about that stories all the time.

Right, Right.

I just got a dog. We'll see what happens. But no, but.

Right.

We hear that all the time. Right. I could see that. Wow. What freedom you must have gotten from that.

Oh, my God. I think really when that happened, it broke open the floodgates. It was like, okay, I'm not into bestiality. I'm not sick. Right. Like, I was just a seven year old little girl experiencing something that felt good.

Right?

Right.

Yeah. And so for all those years, that's what kind of built up to the pain that you were actually experiencing.

One of the things for sure.

So that Came out during one of your trainings or a workshop you were doing.

It came out during a sexuality workshop that I was doing. Yeah. Where we were talking about shame.

Okay, Janae, we're take a quick break and we come back. We're going to talk about the shame pleasure paradox. All too familiar. Thank you, everyone, for supporting my sponsors. I so appreciate you. And you know that I never talk about a service or a product that I don't love, that I haven't tried, and that won't make your life a lot better. So thanks for listening. We'll be right back.

Okay, let's talk about the shame pleasure paradox as it relates to sex and relationships, okay?

It's such a great shame.

It's a huge to unpack. It's a huge thing to unpack. But shame is one, one. We're talking about a lot of the blocks that we have to having amazing sex and experiencing pleasure in our lives. And a lot of this can be traced back to shame. I mean, I think so much of our sexual challenges lie around early shame. Ongoing shame. Shame that we don't even know is to call shame.

That's right.

And that's preventing us from having pleasure.

Let's talk about, like, that shame pleasure paradox, right? Because I, you know, think about it as, like.

In my opinion, we were born to experience pleasure. And you know that if you look at a little baby, right, A little innocent baby, if they get stroked when they're nursing, right, they're cooing, they're making, you know, yummy noises, like they really experience pleasure in their body with, you know, with nothing around it except for. For pure sensation. I mean, they basically only experience pain and pleasure. That's all that kids have what little babies have. So we're really born that way. We're born to be pleasure animals, right? We have this birthright around pleasure. But what happens is the shame that is around pleasure, especially around anything around.

Sexuality, could be from our parents of religion. It could be because we're ashamed that what someone did to us growing up that we just think sex is bad. We have shame, right?

And that starts getting socialized. Like we start getting socialized around shame. And so, you know, think about all of the times when you see, like a little girl, like I'm talking about a little girl, like a two year old, you know, touching her vagina. And what does the parent do? They swat her hand away, right? So we start getting messages really early, like, this is bad. I'm not supposed to be touching myself, right? And this is what Creates shame in our body.

Exactly.

And it's insidious. Shame is so shameful that we can't even talk about the fact that we're experiencing shame.

Right, exactly. And then once we learn to talk about, obviously it's a huge relief and the shame just goes away.

That's right.

And that allows us to experience so much pleasure. But that's like, what we talk about a lot is like, why is it so. So if we release the shame, we can experience more pleasure. And that's kind of what is preventing us from experiencing the maximum pleasure that we can actually experience in our life.

Yeah.

So, like, we have such a potential for pleasure.

It's amazing.

I mean, amazing potential for pleasure. That's why I love your journey, because you've been on this path for seven years and you were in a sexless marriage for 20 years.

Yeah.

Like, I think a lot of the people I know, a lot of our listeners, like, really like painful sex, which, what, 80% of women experience painful sex over the lifetime you experience. And now we talk about pleasure. I feel like you're on the other end of the spectrum of, like, you're able to have orgasms, full body orgasms, multiple orgasms, squirt, the whole thing that you could not access before.

Yes.

And so I think that that's just really inspiring to so many people that you actually can get there. So for women who are experiencing this pain and low libido and low desire, I mean, there's a lot of different ways to unpack it. And it doesn't mean. Mean it has to be the final chapter. And I think that you've worked really hard to get to where you're at. But I think for a lot of people, like, where would they start then if they're like, yeah, I recognize that I'm in a sexless marriage, so, God, how do we start unblocking?

Breath.

Breath is right. Yes, breath. The more breath, the more pleasure.

Right. So I actually talk about this in my book that I essentially talk about four principles to transform your sex life. Right.

Okay.

And this is really where it starts. Right. The first one is like, just have some awareness. Awareness of what's going on. Just by, like, reading the book or reaching out to somebody, you start to have an awareness and acknowledgement of it. Right. The second piece is to start to get rid of that shame, to start to work through it. And it's really not as hard as you would think. You know, sometimes it's just sitting down with a friend who you really trust in saying, like, let's share our shame stories. You cannot believe how much better people feel after just talking about.

We called it a shame over in Somatica. Like, the next day when we would, like, reveal all our shame, we're like, do you have a shame over? And it's gone like it is. I mean, it's still there, but it kind of becomes your story. It becomes kind of your breakthrough moment.

It does. And then the third principle is to really start to accept and love your body. And that's really important because especially for women, but also for men, body shame is a huge issue when it comes to sex. Right. A huge issue. If we feel bad about our body, if we think we've put some weight on or we don't like the way our boobs look or whatever, we can't be in this, like, expansive state, which is where we need to be, because we're up in our head thinking about, oh, my God, I don't to want my partner to see this, or I feel really fat today. Right. And so really starting to accept your. Accept your body. And then the fourth one is to allow pleasure in. And you know, that's actually a lot harder for many women.

It is to let. This is what. That's the shame pleasure paradox. We might even have released them shame. But because we have challenges around our body, I mean, I hear from people every day who are like, I don't like my body, or I don't feel comfortable. I'm insecure, I'm doing sex wrong. And any. If you're in your head during sex, you're not. You're not allowing yourself to experience as much pleasure as you possibly can. Right. And so I'm excited to talk to you also about how we can get women out of their heads.

Yeah. And you know, I think also some women have this belief that they're somehow. That they're not entitled to have pleasure.

That's another one too. Like, I don't deserve.

I don't deserve it.

Why is women. We walk around thinking like, it's all, we're taking care of everybody else.

That's right.

And if we just don't. I mean, that's. I mean, that's not even about shame as much as is just being women, being the feminine, like, taking care of everyone else. And we go last.

We go last, right? Yeah, we go last. Yeah.

So.

And I think also, like, you know, another reason why I think women don't allow themselves to have pleasure. When I think about. When you think about sex and orgasms, is that so Many women are concerned that it's taking them too long, right?

Yes. We look at the clock, we're like, he's been going down on me for 28 minutes.

That's right.

If you're lucky. And then you're like, is he really gonna sit here for another. Right. And then we stop ourselves.

That's right.

So remove the clock. No. Right. We worry about that, but it takes us however long. And you're gonna hang out until we get there.

And you know what? And actually most men actually enjoy it, right?

They do. They do. A woman who is fully owning her pleasure and in her body and you're making her feel good and you're showing, it's the energy. So your partner, I always say your partner wants to please you. Like they really, really do. And we feel like we're taking up space, we're taking up time. And I always say like, like the best thing you can say to your partner is like, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here all night. Like, just relax, lay down. I'm gonna get busy between your legs or whatever I'm doing. I'm not going anywhere. And then you can just kind of.

So yeah, I mean, you know, I can tell you that, you know, I opened my book talking about my night of goddesses worship.

Yeah, I love that story.

And that's, that's what happened, right?

It was like a moment. It was like one night.

It was one night where this man who I was dating who went and did this tantra workshop came back and said, like, I want to, I want to worship you. And I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about, what that means.

Like, break this down. I'm a lawyer. Do you have a contract?

What's going on?

Right.

But it was like he basically said, no expectations. I'm not even going to take my pants off. Off. This is just your night. I don't care what happens. I just want you to enjoy. And if you stop enjoying, we can stop. And it was like it broke something in me. It was like it was the first time that I didn't have to worry about whether I have that orgasm or whether he has an orgasm or anything like that. It was so incredibly freeing.

Right. And I think that's a great takeaway that. I think that that's a great tip for a lot of me. I think that. And you don't have to call it a goddess worship if that doesn't make sense to you, but can just it just giving without feeling like you need to give back or giving without the expectation of receiving. And I think that, that women can do this to their partner. It can be men and women can both. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, one can be the receiver, one can be the giver. And I think when you often take sex off the table or you just have one person who's receiving for the night, that could do so much for partners and their intimacy as well.

Such a good exercise, Such a great exercise. Exercise.

How can women get out of their head and into their bodies?

Well, and this is not just for women.

This is for everybody, how men do it.

Yeah. So this is using, I think, you know, that, you know, my doorway into sexual awakening was through the doorway of tantra. And there are principles of tantra, and this is one of them. And it's all about using. You know, it's gonna. I'm gonna sound like a broken record here. Breath, right? And sound and movement, which starts to like. When you are breathing deeply, right. And you're making sound, you can't be in your head. Like, it's impossible to be in your head. Right. And so it's all about, like actually allowing yourself to be in your body and using these really relatively simple tools.

They are. That's the thing. It's like you have everything you need right there. Like, I'm not asking you to go out and buy a vibrator, although I do. I do that a lot. I will not do that right now. It's literally your breath making sound or.

Music or sound in your body.

Okay.

Breath and sound are forms of energy. And what we are trying to do with. I'm going to talk a little bit about tantric sex here for a moment.

Is that okay? No, what I'm saying, I want. Okay. I love that your gateway was through tantra. And I've actually been getting really interested in. In more tantra lately. And I think I was a little bit more. And even as a sex educator, I, you know, I've read books on tantra and I understand a little bit. And I'm like, oh, it's a lot of work. I have to find a willing partner who wants to sit with me for six hours, stare into each other's eyes and breathe. And then we're both gonna somehow have full body orgasms. It just seemed like a lot of work. But I'm realizing now that it's. It doesn't have to be. It's not a lot of work at all. And it can actually be the gateway for a lot of people. Not just. Yeah. To have better sex. So let's talk about it.

Definitely.

I love it. Let's. Let's open up, everyone.

Yeah, yeah, no, let's open up, everyone.

Let's do it.

Yes. Yes. So, yeah, it's being able to connect with our sexual energy. And our sexual energy runs.

All the way down to our perineum or the sacrum, all the way through the center of our body, up through our head. But this is what we do in Tantra. We actually start to circulate energy through our body. And I know for a lot of people, energy is this, like, really amorphous thing. Like, what is energy? Right, right, right. So let me do an energy exercise.

Let's do it. Okay.

So this is actually really great exercise that you can do. So you're gonna take your hands and you're gonna rub them together really hard until you feel a lot. A lot of heat. And also usually helps if you close your eyes.

Okay.

And then once you feel a lot of heat, you're gonna have your hands face each other. Right. And you're going to just imagine that there's, like, a little ball between your hands. So your hands are maybe about 8, 10 inches apart right now. And you're gonna put your attention in this empty space in between. But it's not empty. It's actually energy.

Right.

And you're gonna breathe.

And then slowly start moving your hands towards each other. And notice if you're feeling any resistance.

I am feeling resistance.

Yeah.

And my hands are feeling like they're.

Feeling a little tingly.

Tingly, yeah.

Yep. Exactly. Mine are, too.

That's so easy. Right.

And then move your hands back apart.

And notice resistance. And then put your hands. Face our hands together. But let's not touch. Right. And see if you can feel, like, the sensations between our two hands. Right. That is energy.

I feel that. Right.

And it's intense, right?

It's really intense.

So imagine if you could have that intensity during sex without maybe even touching each other. Right? Yeah.

Right. Yeah.

That's a principle of Tantra, of. Of connecting with that energy and letting that energy flow through your body. It's. Tantric sex is very powerful. Yeah.

So I. So if I'm having tantric sex with somebody, how do I. I mean, so I. I think I told you a little bit about this, and I have not. Actually, I told Janae this, but I haven't talked about it on the show, and I want to do it in a future show, but I went on this. John Wineland was on the show, it was an awesome episode. You guys can go back and check it out. A few months ago, but actually went on a retreat that he had in Hawaii. And a lot of it was sort of. He does a lot of masculine, feminine David data work, but his girlfriend's a Kundalini teacher. We did a lot of. We have to break into pairs. You know, I had a male partner that I did not know. We did some of just the basic. Like that, like breathing together and looking into each other's eyes. And like, you know, one point, like, I'd sit on that, but there was no sex allowed. It was like my legs wrapped around and I did, for the first time, felt that intimate intimacy and that intense energy that I'd never. So that's why I'm sort of. I get it.

You sat in yab yum position where he. So what happens there from an energetic perspective is all of your energy centers are lined up with each other.

Right?

Right. And so when you start breathing together, you are together moving this sexual energy up and down and around, and it's very potent.

And I literally did it for like a night. And it was. I mean, for like an hour or two, and then the next night maybe, and I experienced it. So I'm really. I really want to go more into this kind of work. It is powerful.

Very powerful.

So that's so. God, we were talking about. So that was kind of like getting out of your head is when you're breathing and using sound. So what kind of sound? When you're saying sound?

Yeah, so. Well, there's lots of ways to do it. And this is one of the things that's with. Associated especially an issue for women. We have a lot of shame about making sound during sex.

Right. Can't be too loud. But when you. Sexy. I should probably just sound like the porn star, right?

Exactly.

And in fact, what you want to sound like, unless it's your own voice, your own thing.

Right. The best sounds are actually these deep, guttural sounds. Right. That's what happens at the peak of. For some women, at the peak of a really good orgasm. But so a really good. One of the exercises that I really like to do to help people start to feel sensation in their body is to start to feel vibration through sound. So if we were to take a breath and we were to make the sound, let's make the sound ah. Right. And notice where you feel the ah in your body. Right. So let's do that.

Okay. I felt it, like, intimidated all the.

Way down to, like, the Second, this is in tantra, closer to the second chakra. Right. But for a lot of people it gets stuck here. So you know, the way we start.

To open up and she pointed to her chest and I think a lot of us kind of shallow breath and we feel that more in our chest. I've had to open this up and.

Remember the saying, the more we breathe, the more we feel. Well, it's the same thing. Breath is like, think about it as this like high octane fuel to fuel you. Right. And the more you can breathe and the deeper you can breathe, the more you're going to start feeling it lower and lower and lower into your genitals. Right. And that starts to just like the Kegels. That's part of it as well. In Tantra we use the PC muscle to also in combination with the breath to really stir up the sexual energy.

That is true. You guys, I know my next version of Kegel camp which is coming out. I think it's a great awakening and you teach us as well. So let's talk about your work because you also are a intimacy coach. Sex coach. You see clients and you also have a course you can take online.

Yeah.

How does that go down?

So I do see clients both in person and in Skype. And I do sex and intimacy coaching. And I also teach principles. I don't, you know, sometimes people ask for tantra, but I use these principles in a lot of my coaching because it really does help people have better sex and to start to awaken themselves. And I also teach an online class for women. It's called the Empowered Women's Guide to Orgasmic Bliss. It's actually going on right now. The next class will be starting in, I believe it's January or February. And you can go to my website if you're interested and sign up. So it's an awesome class.

See the website again. And we're gonna. This is also all on our website.

It's powerofpleasure.com powerofpleasure.com it's an eight week class. It involves some self study home videos. It has a group teaching component. So we have these group calls once a week where I go over additional exercises and I really do laser coaching. That's great with the women.

Women really, Right. Do they just open up and have what happened?

I mean, it's amazing because having the experience of being able to talk about these issues in a group makes you realize that you are not broken and that it isn't just your stuff like everybody else is having Similar struggles. And it creates a sense of relief, like, oh my God, I'm not the only one who's dealing with this. And then this is how we're gonna address it, right? So there's solutions and there's exercises. And so we work through like the shame. And we work through, we really talk about like, how do you bring pleasure into your life? We look at our erotic fantasies. What are the emotions we want to go through for sex? And then I do have a component where we start to really learn to love our body. Not in the group call, kind of.

Cut off there we were talking about earlier, but it's like height, because I get a lot of confidence questions from men. How do you learn to love your body? It's a process, but you can do it.

Yes, definitely. And you know, with a lot of compassion and going slow. And you know, I teach very specifically, I do teach some principles of tantra because some people are interested in it. I teach women how to do what I call a self loving practice. A self loving practice to be able to love their body and explore their body in a really kind and gentle way, but not just focusing on their genitals and because this is part of the problem with women and our bodies.

And your everything, your elbows, your breasts, run your hands. Is that what you talk about?

Absolutely. Right. You know, really touching all parts of your body using breath. Because the reason women don't have have a hard time with orgasms, of course, is because the energy gets trapped.

It's trapped. You can just unleash the energy. I think that that was for me personally, that was a big thing too. And I had to work on that. Like I think and back in the day when it started happening for me it was more like. I didn't know this at the time, but it was yoga and meditation. You know, after I realized I was 20 and I was having this problem and through my 20s I worked on it. But now I realize there's, there's a lot of great practices that you can do. So I feel like for people, and it's not like you have to sit, I don't know, I think people, I guess I always think of myself because it takes me a long time to develop a habit and to commit things that I really want to do. And I want to make it easy for people who are like, yeah, but I don't have time to self pleasure for 25 minutes or you know, but, well, you've time to like, why would you have waste time having bad sex or resisting sex or Just not having as much pleasure. Like, what if we told you that these kind of practices which we are telling you could give you more pleasure and then you have more pleasure in your life? I think it's just so important to.

Totally true. And, and for you to know what you really want and to understand what does turn you on from a, you know, from a physical perspective.

Right. Because I think also that's the big thing too is that a lot of, a lot of us don't know women and men. But I think I feel like it's more women who are like, I have no idea what, like a guy, you know, my partner asked me what do I want or what turns me on. And I don't know, I think a lot of this work helps people realize what is my turn on. Like, I don't even know or what. Not even, like fantasies as well as just, oh, who knew that under my armpit could give me multiple orgasms?

That's right.

What if that happened?

And we can have orgasms any place in our body, right? Yes, we can. You know, that's what's amazing about women and our orgasmic potential. Exactly.

We have such orgasm and so few.

Women really understand that. And it makes me like, so, like, oh, I just want all of you to be able to be in pleasure for half an hour or 45 minutes or an hour and just have one orgasm after another. And each one be, you know, better and better.

Right? Exactly. Like, that is totally.

Who doesn't want that?

We all want that. I was just laughing because I was thinking about when you're like, you have a lot of potential. I was like about a job interview, someone saying, you have a lot of potential, but what if we just now accepted women? I see a lot of orgasmic potential in you. You have just immense amounts of orgasm potential. But I love that you helped them get there. Jeanne Palette.

Thank you.

So I'm gonna have you help me answer some questions here. Sure. And everyone, please. Oh, yeah.

Because I know there's a lot of men on your program and the book has a lot of information about men as well. But men have an amazing ability to be able to have non ejaculatory orgasms through a tantric practice where they can just stay hard for hours. And like, who wouldn't want that?

I think we should give some airtime to this because what about men? You see men as well. And so what about men who can't stay hard? You know, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation. Just don't. I mean, you have Practiced through tantra. A lot of men can kind of work with this. You can work with them and help them.

Yeah, no, absolutely.

I mean, manage.

Yes. I mean, there are a lot of ways, you know, there are a lot of reasons why men, for example, have erection issues.

Let's just say erection. Challenges.

Challenges, Right. I hate that word.

Dysfunction.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't mean you've justified this. I know, you're right.

Yeah.

You have challenges.

They have challenges. And you know, nine times out of ten, it's not physiological, it's an emotional piece. Right. There's something that's holding them back. There's some wounding that they've had. There's some way in which it's a sexual shutdown for men.

It is. Yeah. We were talking about. Women have this too. They have early experiences. Any, you know, it just takes, I always say it takes one person looking at your penis and saying it's. There's something wrong with it shaming you.

Right. Or they're feeling shut down about like their life, you know, like if a man is not empowered around their life, if they hate their job, you know, if they hate their wife, you know, if they're really disempowered. Well, for many men, the cock is like, well, I'm not coming to the party.

Exactly right.

You need to. To have that empowerment place in order for your cock to respond. So I think it's a very common for men as well. And we work through it.

Yeah. Everyone should check out your book Living an Orgasmic Life. And let's explain that they should pre order because you're doing. If people pre order it on your website, there's going to be a place where they can pre order the book. Then it's a crowdfunding.

Yeah. So I'm working with a company, it's called Publishizer. And they actually match authority with potential with publishers. So it's an author publisher match. And the way they determine the publishers determine whether they want to publish your book. And of course I want a publisher to publish the book because I want this message to get out to the millions of women and men who are sexually shut down and who can use this. These tools and information is based on the number of copies of books or pre orders of books that you sell in a month, period.

Oh, so people got to do it right now.

Yeah.

Okay, so go to your website. Yeah, go to the website, powerofpleasure.com, click on the link. They'll get a hard copy and a digital copy.

That's right.

Yeah, you guys, I. I got a lot out of it. I really love your book. I think it's great work. I can't. It's only been seven years that you've done all this, and you're bringing all this power to the people. So thank you.

Thank you.

So let's get on to some emails. If you have a question you want me to answer in the show that's amazing, you can text me me your questions. It's so easy. Text ask Emily as one word to 797979. That's ask Emily. You can also submit a question from sex with emily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Dear Emily, I'm a new listener and totally hooked on your show. Thank you for the public service you provide. I recently separated and finalizing divorce and very excited and nervous about entering the dating scene. I have one question that's been weighing on my mind. I think I have an attachment issue. When a guy brings me to an orgasm, I want to have more and more. Like a thirsty puppy. I also find myself getting super excited when I get texts or calls from someone I'm sleeping with. How do I approach casual dating? And how do women sleep with multiple people and not get attached? Love, love, love your show, J.R. i'm female, 33, Dallas, Texas. Yeah, that's a great question. You know, God, the casual sex question comes up all the time now because people are having more casual sex, and I think that women really just have to check in men. Is it right for me? How do you feel the next day? Like, check in with yourself. It is not for everybody. It truly is not for everybody. But also about wanting orgasms. Like, I think that she could probably learn how to have more orgasms she wants. It's not that you're thirsty. It's. I think that's great that her body probably has more orgasmic potential like we were talking about.

Yeah, I mean, it sounds. Yeah, it sounds like, you know, it's great that she wants more orgasms and that's something that her body wants. You know, it sounds like she does have an attachment issue. I mean, she's, you know, it definitely sounds like. I don't know her background, but from her divorce. Right. There's probably some wounds around that, and maybe there was a codependency kind of needy kind of thing. So it sounds like from an attachment perspective, there's an anxious attachment style that's going on. Right, Right.

So the second it ends. She wants more. Right.

The second she ends, she wants more. And like, she's nervous that he doesn't call her and. Right. She needs to have that. So, you know, how do you work with attachment issues? I mean, that's a little complicated. Right. But attachment issues are about, like, are you enough for yourself? Right, Right. Like, can you be happy with who you are? And can you in a. Be in a place where you can come into a relationship being a co. Equal partner and not being somebody who feels like you need to be needy or dependent on somebody else?

Right.

So there's a, there's some deep sense.

You think that would be talk therapy to start with?

Yeah, I mean, I think that.

I love that you cover attachment issues too, in your book as well. That sounds like, oh, good. A little attachment, a little tantra, this little that, Everything. Exactly. Yeah. So I think we do think there's some attachments. And go see a, Go see a.

Therapist, go see a sex coach, somebody who can help you work through what's going on. And why do you have, why do you, why do you have that need? And how do you feel more confident in yourself? Right.

And I think also that that's a great point because also after divorce, like, if you have you done the work around, I think that it's just necessary that after you break up with someone, it was abusive relationship. Did you really go to therapy? And I'm not talking once or twice with your partner towards the end, like, did you work on what's happened in the relationship, what your part in it was, what you want in your future? And so right now, having casual sex may or may not be the right thing for you. We don't know.

Right? We don't know.

That's where I'd spend your time there, sweetie. Thank you for emailing and I'm so glad you like the show. JR Hi, Emily. I'm a fairly new listener and recently married. We've been together for two and a half years. I love my husband and our sex life is great. We both need to work on foreplay, but we're still learning about each other. Before I met my husband, I was in an abusive relationship. It wasn't physical, mainly emotional mental abuse. My ex boyfriend made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I've worked through most of this with my husband, but there's still one thing I need to bring up. I have some triggers, mainly blowjobs. I want to talk to my husband about this, but I haven't found the words. I may have Invented this, but he doesn't really go down on me, and I'm wondering if it's because I don't like giving blowjobs. Can you share some advice to get me started? Maybe I should write down some thoughts first before I bring my husband into the conversation. Thank you, Emily. Another Emily, 27, Indiana. Well, Emily, God, I'm so glad that you're asking this question that you came to me, because, yeah, I do think that it's something to think about first, definitely, before you talk to him. And I'm glad that Janee's here to talk about this as well, because it sounds like you still might have some triggers, and I love that you've worked through all this, but there still is always a little bit more. We're never done peeling back the. The layers of the onion. And so. Yeah. So, Janae, you said you had some stuff to say to this, some particular things about blow jobs that you were excited about.

Well, I think part of what happens, and I don't know what Emily's trigger is around blowjobs.

The other Emily.

The other Emily. Yeah. I'm not sure what her trigger is around blowjobs and why it's an issue for her, but one thing to consider is I feel like a lot of women, women give blowjobs out of obligation, and they're not actually enjoying it for their own pleasure. So one of the principles of the work that I do, the work that we learned. Right. Is touching and doing things that feel good for your body, like using your partner for your own pleasure. And when you consider that, like, well, if I was to take his penis and, you know, it feels really good if I rub it around my lips and what it feels like in my mouth and think about your own sensation as opposed to, I'm doing this to please you. I'm doing this to please me, to use your body for my pleasure. That's a very powerful, powerful shift.

It is a really powerful shift in.

The way in which we're thinking.

Yeah, I think that is such a great point, that touching for your own pleasure. Exercise is such an important. It was so really powerful. We did that together in Somatica, and I think it's also in your book as well, because we so often we touch, such as women, we're talking about that we're pleasers. We want everyone to feel good. That so often, especially with sex, we're socialized to make our partners feel good, that it's about their pleasure. And if we have pain or we don't have pleasure, that's okay as long as I touched him. Well, I gave him a killer blowjob. Like, when people ask me for blowjob tips. I think it's so important here that we were talking about. About is like, how can we teach people giving, say, not just women, but anyone giving blow jobs, to experience pleasure from it? And it's a. That's also a practice because it's the way we've been, like, social. They're not even in their bodies, perhaps. A lot of times they're just like, is this the right. I heard they want I should go really deep in my throat and use my hand? And Emily says to use my. Whatever I've taught about. I've taught. But, like, there is a way to be like. I'm like, you know, it's like goddess energy. Like, I can take this penis in my mouth and I can make it. It feel. It feels so good to me. Like how it tastes in your throat. And you're right. Rubbing on your face, seeing how it looks against your skin, and like, making it your own. Making that penis your own for that moment. And really, like, you know, getting into it.

Yeah. Like teaching that your pleasure.

Making about your pleasure.

Right?

And that could be. That could be a totally new concept for men to heal. But it totally is a beautiful way to have sex, right?

And it shifts things, right? Because if you're having pleasure touching your partner here, he's gonna realize how much pleasure you're having, and he's gonna have more pleasure, and it creates this beautiful circuit of pleasure, right?

So that's what we just talked about to Emily. But also she wants to know why he's not going down on her. And I'm wondering if Emily. And he's your husband. I mean, I feel like I think you absolutely should start talking about sex to your husband. Like, right now would be great. I think, like, couples, like, talk about sex, so, I mean, I don't expect you to give him a blowjob, right. You have a trigger around it. Again, we don't know what it is. So I don't even know that you can even lead with this doing the, like, get. Give him a blowjob tomorrow. And it's. You're gonna be able to do this exercise right away because we're not sure. But I do think talking to your husband about, you know, I know we've talked a lot about our, you know, our sex life or what's gone on my past relationship, but there's. You can even use me as an example. Say you you listen to the show or whatever it is to say, I. There's still some stuff I want to talk to you about. I love. You know, I really want to please you, and I want to make you feel good. I have some challenges around, you know, oral sex, and I'm thinking I'm gonna work on some this stuff, and you could bring up the way that it makes you feel like, I love when you perform oral sex on me, and you can even ask him. I think it's healthy to say I've been feeling like maybe because I have these challenges around going down on you, that maybe you're withholding from me, or maybe you think I don't like it. How does that feel to you? Literally just have a conversation like that from your heart, honestly. Because we don't know. See what he says.

Yeah. I mean, you know, the best way to have a good sex life is to be able to have conversations around sex. Right. And try to come at it from a place without judgment and without shame and just, like, can we just talk about, you know, kind of what's going on here? Because what I'm noticing. And, you know, not a blaming. You're not going down on me, but what I'm noticing is that I feel like you don't want to pleasure me, and I'm not sure what's going on for you. And, you know, can we just, like, have a. Have a talk about this? And this is really important for couples to do. You cannot have a great sex life if you can't talk about it.

It can't. Yeah. Communication is lubrication.

I like that. Communication is lubrication. It's true.

I mean, I talk about that a lot on the show. You got to talk about things, and these are some different layers, but once you. Yeah, once you talk about it, everything gets easier. I mean, in life, the more you talk about sex, it's gonna get easier for you guys to have the conversations. But I get why you might want to write down notes. Emily. I'm laughing because I'm not laughing, but I'm feeling you, because I understand that when you. The first time you do anything like this, it's hard, so it's scary. But it gets easier, and it'll become part of your relationship. Just like you're talking about where you're going on vacation or what you're having for dinner, you can be like, so last night when we were having a kick can become that as well. And that's how you will improve your.

Yeah. And like, a simple exercise that you could do that, I think is really helpful in these situations. It's like you play a game, right? And you, like, each write down like, these are the. The things I would like you to do to me. These are the things I would like to do to you. Right. And then you just get to start to have a conversation around it without there having to be, like, a big issue.

Right?

Right.

Play a game. I love it. Okay, Janae, I'm gonna ask you the five quickie questions I ask all my guests.

Okay?

Ready?

Let me take a breath.

Okay. Okay.

What's your biggest turn on?

Oh, being tied up.

Biggest turnoff.

I don't like being degraded.

Craziest place you've gotten busy?

Craziest place I've gotten busy was on a hammock at Harbin Hot Springs.

Sexiest part of your partner's body or a partner's body?

Oh, that depends. I love the neck. I'm a big neck, nape person. And ears.

What's the one thing you wish you could tell your current or. And or future partners about your body's needs? One thing they need to know.

So easy. Go slow. It takes me a lot of time.

Yeah, right.

And I like to go slow.

Good job. Look, you killed it. Didn't need to prep for it. You're awesome, Janae. Thank you so much, everyone. Check out her book, Living an Orgasmic Life, and your website, which is. It's all gonna be on my website if you want to say it again. Powerofpleasure.com powerofpleasure.com thank you for being here. Thank you to all my amazing listeners, and I love hearing from you. Thank you for emailing me your questions. Thank you to my amazing team. You're awesome, and thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger, and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you slow sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50 off and here's a bonus use code the Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q-U a L I a life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.