Your Sex Language w/ Dr. Jen Freed

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Fire is that dynamic, charismatic, bold, energetic energy. Earth is that practical, stable, reliable, dependable, slower energy. Air is that very fast, witty, clever, conceptual, logical. Air, energy and water is the feeling tender, merciful and soft energy. And we all have all four parts.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's your sex language? We all have one. And once we're fluent in the four types, we can expand our repertoire to more effectively please our partner and advocate for what we want. In today's episode, we will explore just that with psychologist and astrologer Jen Fried. Her forthcoming book, A Map to youo Using the Astrology of Fire, Earth, Air and Water to live deeply and fully explains how these elements relate to the type of sex we want and how to create an erotic field. With our partner, Dr. Fried offers a formula of alchemizing amazing sex by combining the principles of psychology and astrology along with curious communication intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How might this episode help you? My intention is to empower you to view sexuality through a new lens with the help of my dear friend Dr. Jennifer Fried's radically refreshing framework. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article is Casual Sex Right for you? Is up@sexwithemily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Doctor Jennifer Fried is the best selling author of Use youe Planets Wisely, Peace Q and More. A renowned psychological astrologer, Dr. Freed is a regular contributor to Goop, the co founder of a social emotional learning nonprofit and a sought after media expert on relational astrology. Her her new book, A Map to youo Using the Astrology of Fire, Earth, Air and Water to Live Deeply and Fully is available for pre order learn more@jenniferfreed.com Dr. Jennifer Fried, welcome to the show. I am so excited to see you here. I feel like you exist between two worlds. One is psychology, which is broadly accepted, right? And you have like that depth of knowledge of psychology from all these years. And the other is astrology, which is not as widely accepted and some people think it's as pseudoscience. And I think I wasn't didn't really even understand it before I really met you. So how do these two worlds inform your work, your writing, your approach to sex and relationships?

Wow. Okay. Psychology is translated from the Latin psyche, a study of the soul. Astrology is a map of your soul. So I have had the fortune and privilege for 40 years to study both deeply. And what I found is astrology is the oldest personality system on the planet, thousands of years old. And it really does give a bird's eye view into somebody's sacred path. All the choices, the obstructions, the karma if you will. But we need psychology too, because psychology is the study of the soul and the condition of the soul and how to Treat maladies of the soul and how to be a great listener instead of just an advisor. So I think the combination for me has been ideal because I can look into the map of somebody's soul, but then discuss with them how to uplift their spirit and their soul.

I guess that's so interesting is because why I love this is that there's just a lot of people don't have that combination of knowledge you have astrology, or people think, oh, you're going to tell me which sign I should sleep with. Which is what most of us think, like, oh, so I shouldn't sleep with Libras. But you actually take a broader picture of that and then you have the depth explained to people like, what it actually means.

And I'd love to clear up that misconception right now, please. Which is the sun sign astrology, which is, you're a Gemini, I'm an Aquarius. That has no bearing on compatibility. There's so much more to a person's chart. And if you want to have great sex, which we're going to talk about later, it isn't about what sign you are, it's about what you're bringing to the table as a human being. So I really don't like that. Popular astrology sometimes really misleads people by thinking it's some kind of cookie cutter combination you can just figure out and then just slip yourself in. It's not that at all.

So I should sleep with Libras. Okay, got it. It's not just about that.

Right.

It's about the broader pict. So that's what we'll. We'll go here. We'll talk about the had sex. So what I, like you said, any two people could learn to become great lovers to each other if they learn all these tools. Because I feel like I saw a lot in a different angle in a different way in your book. For example, like, you break down how to actually communicate using the elements, which we'll get into. You weave the elements through every chapters, through areas of our life. And just for this purpose, this interview, like, we're going to focus on more like the communication chapter, the support language chapter, which blew my mind. And I think everybody, like, if anyone's ever interested in like the love languages or how you can be there for your partner, it's just like another level of it. Like, I almost feel like I want to sit down and do that chapter, the Practical, with every single person I know. And then we get into the sex chapter. So. And through all of those, you're giving just very unique ways, using the elements for us to drop in, communicate, maybe find a yes.

And I do want to say that I'm a firm believer that any two people can have a beautiful love relationship if they both do the work and they learn to deeply listen and appreciate the nuances in the other. And I've listened a lot to your show and that's why you and I connect so deeply because your message is always the same. Communicate, communicate. Don't mind reading. Don't assume all the things we often do because we've had this mythology that hot sex should be automatic instant and nobody should have to wonder a thing. And it's really harmful because that's not really what happens.

It's not what happens at all. So it's communication. So we can start with communication and how to. In this book, I think you really cover it in a unique way.

I break it down into four elements and. And we are all very unique in our communication patterns. So an air person likes to communicate ideas, likes to share information, wants to have knowledge on something, likes to gossip. It's very above the body. It's kind of in the conceptual. But then you have an Earth person that likes the details, chunk it down. What's the practicality of what we're talking about? What's the bottom line of what we're talking about? But then you have the fire person that just like passionately engaged in conversation, interrupting because they're excited and they're thrilled to tell you what's going on. And it's very immediate, right? And then you have the water person who's very sensitive and listening on a feeling level and might feel sad when you say something or feel very tenderly toward you. Four different channels of communication. And if you really want to get to know somebody, first start reading what channel they're on.

And the other thing I want to say about communication, because you talk a lot about this, is people really misunderstand what deep listening is. We often think of deep listening as identifying. Like, you say something, oh, Matt and I are doing this. And I say, oh, me and Randy are doing this. And then that's identifying. But it's not deep listening because now I've hijacked the conversation to be about me. Earth signs love to give advice. So you'll start talking about you and JoJo and how JoJo gets anxious when you go out of town. And the earth sign will say, well, then I know the perfect pet sitter, and you're going to have to do this, and you're going to have to do this. But again, not deep listening. Because now they're telling you what road you should walk on. The water sign might get very mergy with you. So, like, you're upset about something now. I'm really upset about something. You have a stomachache now. I have a stomachache. Again, not deep listening. Cause I've merged. I'm no longer objectively listening to you. And so part of the art of listening deeply is curiosity without reactivity.

Okay.

So, for example, you can tell me right now and the listeners will, what's the most stressful thing going on in your life right now?

For me, I would say that my book being due very shortly that I'm passionate about, but it's like due like in a week.

Yes. So if I were to misbehave as a deep listener, I would say, oh, yeah, I know what it's like to do a book. And oh my God, let me tell you how to get that done. And oh, that's so painful about your book. And see, all of these are ways I'll make it about me instead of. I could ask an open ended question. Tell me what part of having to get it done is the hardest for you?

The hardest part is finding the time in all that I am doing right now. Because it's one of many, many exciting projects happening in my life right now. So it's time.

Yes. And then again, because I know you and love you. You are a Gemini who thrives in variety but also feels overwhelmed by that. So tell me, what have you learned about when you're doing many things helps you get the thing done. What have you learned?

I have a really good team around me who helps me stay focused.

Yeah. Yes.

Otherwise, I'm off in a million places. So leaning into the team, leaning into my excellent support.

Yeah. So to me now, now I'm getting to know you and listening to you instead of, oh, I'm over here with all kinds of ways that I haven't really attended to you.

This deep listening part, I read that a few times because I love the examples that you give, like we just did. I love doing live examples from each other because first of all, most of us do that and we all do it from a place of, like, wanting to be a good friend and a good listener. But even though we just gave the example of how all four elements, no matter what element you lean towards does it, it's almost like we're all doing it wrong pretty much. Unless we've learned this. This is a skill set.

Yes. Well, I want to give credit to Rendy, my partner, and to me. We've been teaching this for 23 years to educators, teens and parents and couples. And because no one was taught how to listen. And those other ways are not wrong, we all do them because we want to connect. We want to feel like we matter and we're relevant. But when you actually stop and deeply listen to somebody without your agenda, we've noticed that people just blossom.

So the two things that we have to do is be curious and non judgmental. Just open.

Yeah, Curious, nonjudgmental. And I think for me, but I got a lot of fire, is don't be future thinking. The conversation, what I'm always doing is like, yeah, I know what you're gonna say, and then where are we gonna talk about next? And like, you know, the trend's already gone and that's not being present. So you know and I know to be a great lover. So we'll put it back in that context. You can't be like kissing somebody's neck and then you're thinking already as you're kissing their neck. What about nibbling their toes? You're not there, you're present. So this is all a practice of presence that leads to erotic and sensual and love connection using the elements.

And can we break that down for a second? Because I do think that that's what we do. In all of your chapters and all the domains you go through, you wire it through the elements. So can we just explain that a little bit more? Because we all sort of. Just because I'm a Gemini, so I'm an air sign, doesn't necessarily mean, like, I have all different parts of it.

Yes, we all have the four elements within ourselves and within our charts. And I'll break them down pretty quickly. Simply. Fire is that dynamic, charismatic, bold, energetic energy. Earth is that practical, stable, reliable, dependable, slower energy. Air is that very fast, witty, clever, conceptual, logical. Air, energy. And water is the feeling, tender, merciful and soft energy. And we all have all four parts. However, everyone listening, including you and I can say pretty quickly, which ones are we the most into and which ones are weaker? And I know for me, my weaker is water and my weaker is Earth. Hence, my partner notices that I don't always attend to the details of the house. So as I improve on Earth, I actually improve on all my relationships. Cause it's my weaker element. Okay, and so what would you say?

Are you. I would say so that's Earth for sure. Earth is my weak. Like, I know that I need to ground and I know. And then I would say water probably too the same.

Yeah. I think we are similar. Yes. Because both of us are very quick and very passionate and have a lot of ideas. I have idea euphoria. I think you have it too.

Idea euphoria.

That's a term I coined because I just. Sometimes I'm up at 3am going, will you shut up the frickin mind. Why do I have to think about this now? Idea euphoria. But both of us need to do a lot of therapy and emdr and both of us need to do a lot of slowing down and paying close attention to what's really in front of us, which is earth. And I know for me, if I don't do the therapy, I can get so in my head and I can get so spun out on my passionate ideas that I actually am not very connected to myself or others.

Oh, that's so. That's so true. That's exactly what happens. Right. But that's what we love about ourselves. But we have to ground. So this whole book is kind of giving tools on how we can see this in ourselves and different activities we can do to actually ground in it. Then is that.

Yes, in my dream, I have a big dream that people will get together as families, couples, groups, organizations, and do a lot of these exercises together. Because to really love somebody is to know them. And so much of relationship is projection. Oh, I know you because I imagine this about you, not because I actually know you. And so these exercises are all revelatory about just getting to know people from their point of view instead of what you've put on them.

Exactly, Jed, that's what you do here. It's so practical. Like I kind of have. I have this. I want to explain this. I want people to hear this because. Should we go into the eighth?

Yeah, I want to get into the sex chapter.

Let's do it. Because I want people to understand what we're talking about here. So we're not like, oh, Earth, you might be like, what elements? You don't understand any of that. Like these examples opened up so much for me and I realized exactly what I needed. I understand what my partner needed. So let's give examples of what I'm talking about come into this.

Okay, so when I first. We've had a lot of foreplay up to the sex chapter, but here we are. Okay, so the sex chapter is one of the assessments is getting it on. So think through, as I say, these categories which you really identify with. And again we do all of these, but we lean into some pretty heavy. So fire is. I like to initiate. I like to dominate. I like to be spontaneous. I love to use toys. I like to wear costumes. I like to do it vigorously. I like quickies. I like to do it adventurously. But then we go to earth. I like to go slowly. I like to linger. I like to be touched everywhere. I like a gorgeous setting for making love. I like to plan for it. I like it certain ways at certain times. I like lots of holding and cuddling before and after, and then air. I like to discuss it. I like sex talk. I get aroused by my partner's mind. I. I like to get kinky. I like to break rules. I like to make sure you get off. I like erotica and then water. I like to feel you with me. I like to express my feelings to you. I like to feel deeply connected. I like to look into your soul. I like to feel merged. I like to cry during or after sex. I like to feel very emotionally safe.

So that's just part of getting to understand yourself and others. What of those statements would you circle?

I circled all of them except.

Well, you are the quintessential lover. Let's just be real. You've studied this stuff.

But that's true. Yeah, that's true. But the ones I didn't circle was, I like cookies. Like, literally only a few of them. But is that really. Most people probably wouldn't circle all of these.

You don't like cookies?

Oh, that's the one I had to not circle everything. I don't like to initiate. I don't like to dominate. So the four things I did not circle were in fire. Does that mean I need to work on more fire? Or does that mean.

Well, that's up to you and whatever lover you are committed to, to discuss. Hey, I notice I'm a little low on these fire areas. Would you like me to explore this? Or maybe they're like, no, I don't need you to do that at all.

Because to me, that's it.

A full life is being fully expressed. It doesn't mean we actually have to do everything at all times, but. But if you really love somebody, you might be interested in what they would like you to do more or less of.

Oh, and the other thing in Earth I didn't highlight, I like to plan for it because I'm not a planner. So that'd be really. If we play. If I was in charge of planning, it probably wouldn't happen, but. So for most people, they would find go through it just gives them suggestions to think about what they actually like, which I kind of. Which I love. But then you go into the other elements. Right after that there's another assessment. I mean there's like the rest of it. Is that how you touch yourself thinking about sex like you're giving other tools to actually implement this?

Yes.

With your partner once you find out.

What you want exactly. Like in touching myself. Fire. I like to come fast and take chances about getting caught being naughty. Earth. I like to rub oils all over my body and take my time. I'll give you an example here. I had a client once, I won't say her name, but she would take 45 minute showers and in that shower she would touch and caress every single part of her body. Super like triple earth. She just could not get enough of touching herself and putting stuff on herself. Okay. Air. I like to think about it a lot before I do it and tell myself sexy things. So you know people with a lot of air when they're touching themselves, they're still in their head, but they get off on it. And the things that they're visualizing and thinking about and saying. And just yesterday, unfortunately, I had a man inappropriately tell me about his new lover and what he likes and what he doesn't like. I didn't ask him, he just jumped in. By the way, don't do that. Anyway, he was saying, yeah, and I like to say a lot of things while I'm getting it on. And don't ever tell me to shut up. I'm like, okay, moving on. Anyway. But I mean that's his story. And good to know for his lover, not for somebody that he hardly knows exactly.

He overshares.

Yeah.

More with Jen Freed after the break. But don't forget, you can use my code Emily until September 20th at jenniferfreed.com when you order her book to receive exclusive gifts including the sex deck, be sure you pre order the book and use Code Emily.

So how can couples. Those are, I love the real examples you give in the book though of couples too. Like how they.

Yeah, yeah.

They would figure out.

Okay, well I think part of it is when you take these inventories in a map to your soul, the eighth chapter on sex. Then you begin to have outside the bedroom because as you've pointed out, in the middle of sex is not the good time.

That's not the time.

Talking about. That's when people feel really ashamed and self conscious. So when you're outside the bedroom, just like at dinner, you'd be talking about this great movie you saw. Do the inventories and really get to know better. What pleases you, what pleases your lover. I know a lot of people have no idea about any of this about themselves. They've never thought about it.

Never. See, this is what I love is that it's so practical that you get into the nuance. Like, their partner might say to them, I'm bored, or, let's spice it up. And people have no idea where to start. So to just even read this last assessment of, like, oh, I get a razzle partner's mind. Good to know, babe. We haven't talked about anything interesting lately. That's why I'm not turned on. Right? Exactly. Like, I like to be touched everywhere, but you haven't touched me everywhere in months. So I think that people are gonna have some major breakthroughs just by you giving them these examples. To know what? Because most people know there's a problem and they know how to fix it. So what I love is they'll be like, oh, none of these things are happening, so no wonder why I don't want to have sex.

And also, I think a lot of people are more willing to have greater sex if they don't feel to blame. You know, a lot of what shuts me down or shuts anyone down is if I feel inadequate, if I somehow am guessing it's not me that can change this thing. It's kind of out of my hands. But if you actually talk to somebody and start to understand their sex language, your sex language, or even start understanding your own, like when I was writing fantasizing about sex. I'm just going to give some examples. Okay? So fantasizing about sex. Now, you know, for a lot of people, they don't actually want to reveal some of their fantasies because they feel scared, threatened, or they'll be rejected. But if you do these exercises, you can kind of just say, well, fire. I like to imagine powerful scenarios. I like to imagine dangerous scenarios. I like to imagine victory scenarios. I like to imagine highly creative scenarios. I like to imagine worship scenarios. That's fire. And remember, there was all that talk about how so many women love to fantasize being raped and dominated. Well, that's very fire. Fire. But that's not the whole picture. That's just fire. Earth. I like to imagine sultry sex. I like to imagine long and gorgeous seductions. I like to imagine being savored. I like to imagine intense sensuality. I like to imagine a slow and steady buildup. Air. I like to imagine Montages of union. I like to imagine equal pleasure. I like to imagine ideal bodies. I like to imagine rebellious scenarios. I like to imagine sexy conversations and spoken words and then water. I like to imagine psychic sex. I like to imagine ideal intimacy and sharing. I like to imagine absolute vulnerability. So again, if people just go through the fantasies, they don't have to say, well, I'm fantasizing about our neighbor, period. You know, the stuff that's threatening. But you can say, these are the kinds of fantasies I have. And all of a sudden the partner gets a closer look at like what's actually in that person's soul.

That's so good. Because what I hear from so many people is that they actually don't either they don't know what they fantasize, they don't fantasize or if they do, they're afraid they're going to be ashamed for it. So this is first off a great way. Just they don't even have language. Like they might have even been able to think like, oh yeah, actually it's sultry sex that I like. They couldn't put words to it. So you help people kind of put words to it. And I think really what I love is it is a great tool again for people or if you're in a relationship or not to really understand your own. Yeah. Desire, style, your own.

Yes. And also for me it's like we're always growing. The other thing, you know, as I keep going on in my life is my sexuality is never static, it's never the same. There's things about me that are changing over time. And so this is not a one stop conversation. If you really want to have great love in your life, let's start with just love. And then sexuality. It's this constant process of illumination and also revealing. And you want to be with people that are actually interested.

Do this first with your partner, then test if they're down with it.

Yeah, right. Well, especially, it depends. You have an audience where some people want to just have mechanically grow great sex and they don't really need or want the emotional intimacy. So I want to validate that. But many people ask me and I know they've asked you, how do I actually have it on all cylinders where we're connected and there's no magic formula. There's just this process of getting to know somebody and being honest and willing to share your insecurities and also all of these different aspects of yourself.

So really this is. That's such a great way to put it because this so what we're saying is this is the way to have that connected sex that a lot of us want. The more depth. Yeah, I think ultimately, yes, mechanics are great. We all want to know how different ways to do doggy style and all that. But ultimately I do think if given the tools, most people eventually at some point crave this.

Well, let's, let's declare that Emily and I have been around the block. So. So what's true is this, that when I was young, I wasn't that developed and I mistook mechanical connected sex for sublime sex. And I'm not mad or sad about that. But when you actually connect with somebody on what I would call all the chakras and then you have a sexual union and you can like actually get up from that sexual encounter and look somebody still in the eye and still want to have a meal with them and still want to talk to them. That's mind blowing, heart blowing sex. It's a whole nother category.

Well, I'm going to assume that what you just painted about is goals for people that they would kind of. Because. Right. I think all people want to be in a relationship with someone they want to have sex with, they'd have dinner with. That's not such a stretch. When you talk about the subtle sexual field and you said, like, I'm curious.

The subtle sexual field to me can be very much gendered in this way. We know that people that identify as female generally like a lot of courtship to have a great sexual experience generally. But I also know a lot of identifying males that also like this. But the subtle sexual field is how do you create an erotic field, that sex is a natural outcome of all those other interactions. I have a whole list that you can pick from about how do you actually cultivate the subtle sexual field? Like, I think it's very weird and I've heard this from a lot of couples that somebody's just doing banking and billing and then goes, okay, let's do it.

It happens all the time.

I understand, but it's not usually that sexy.

It's not hot.

And so there's just this idea that everybody should be ever ready to be, you know, have a boner and get it on and do it. And it's not fair to anybody. Whereas if you live in this erotic cultivated field, then you just slip from holding hands or joking to kissing. You know, it's not such a big leap. But I think a lot of people take for granted that that sexuality is available with no effort. No effort.

How do we make that Available.

Well, I think the effort. So let's talk about it. So. So the people that love fire, sexual, subtle field, like favorite foods presented in a celebratory way. They like sexy underwear. They love picking out sex toys and fantasies together. They want to do a naughty adventure. The they might like role play and dress up fantasies. But earth, sexual, subtle field. People like a lot of petting and hair touching. And they like head and shoulder and foot massages. That would be me, me, me. They like flirty dancing. They like active and frequent physical affirmations like, you look great, you look gorgeous. All of that. They like stroking and caressing with real presence instead of like, where are we ending up? And air. People love to have a lot of humor and inside jokes. They like romantic dates without distractions. They like to talk about sex a lot. That feels good to both people. They like to read erotica or watch it. They love suggestive text messages. These are the sexters. They like voice messages. They save them and, you know, savor them. They like handwritten notes. They like hidden sticky notes with private little messages. And the water. People really need to feel safe emotionally. So that means you listen to them. You actually make eye contact. You do the deep listening. You do acknowledge all their exquisite tenderness. And maybe you do some body painting under soft light.

Or that.

Yeah, or that.

Get some paints. So in looking at all these, I could just see going through here. And again, I have a broad. I like a lot of these things. Yeah, I think that for most people, they're not gonna be checking all of these things. And what a great. Right. So then how we would use this is first off, just knowing what we're into. And suggestions too.

Here's what I would say. If anybody's complaining that they're in a relationship that isn't really as sexually satisfying as they want, this is just an entire repertoire of things they can start to investigate. Like, I think when people slow down or get bored or whatever is happening, instead of shutting down, just everybody get more open and go, well, let's investigate. Because it's effort. A great sex life in the beginning could be just everything seems to be banging great. But that's the beginning out of tons of drugs in your brain. And we love those drugs.

We love those drugs.

And we never want to dismiss the power of the drugs. But you can actually create some of those drugs by doing some of this kind of inventory and doing some experiments.

So how. So how do we create the drugs from that?

Well, oxytocin, the bonding one, you know, that's so important. And if you actually attune to somebody's erotic needs and desires, you fuel that drug for sure. And serotonin, the positive mood? Well, I can tell you because I have a lot of fire that when I dance with my partner, when we're joking, when we like laugh hysterically, my serotonin bumps way up. So that's another positive drug, the cocktail that comes from that first sexual.

This is how we mimic it. This is how we do it again.

We can do it again. And the dopamine, the pleasure. Well, again, I've got a lot of earth in the sexual field. So it's like if somebody's rubbing my head and feet, not somebody, it's my partner. When, when they're rubbing my head and feet, I just get like so saturated with dopamine I can almost drool thinking about it.

I just did, right? Yes. Touch my feet. Touch my feet.

No, but. So those are the drugs that we like instantaneously had when we were in the projection stage called dating. But when, if you want to recreate them, you've got tools, there's ways, there's hacks.

I know that this book will help so many people. I just love the way whether you're into astrology or the elements or the air stuff or the elements part, if it doesn't resonate with you, I just, I love that in each important category of your life, communicating, knowing how to support a lover or a partner or your staff. Like I want my whole staff to do some of these chapters together. This is going to be such an incredible tool for everyone. So I want people to get this book and so as a result of that, I want you all to get it. And she's dear friend is going to help you. Jen said, because we want you to sign up for it.

Yeah. If you pre order in the next seven days.

Seven days.

Seven days. Then if you put in the code on my website, jenniferfree.com Emily when you pre order you'll get like five free gifts worth hundreds of dollars. But the one especially for you all in that seven day period is the sex deck that actually Emily and I worked on. But it's a hundred essential questions to ask a lover.

The sex deck I love. You know what I love about the sex deck too is that a lot of you always ask me how do I get my partner talk about sex? Or if I'm on a date with someone, how do I, what do we talk about? You could just now it's a digital format which is even better because it's always. You always have that on your phone and you could like ask your partner like an example question would be what like in the deck, like, like what.

Was the formative experience that helped your sexual identity? Something like that. Or what is your absolute turn offs? What are your turn ons? How did you first learn about sex? I mean they go all over the place because there's a hundred questions. But yes, you can take out your phone, just start asking and say are you willing to do this with me? If you're starting to date somebody, that's a good sign. If they say yes.

Well, I love this too. The people that say no are not your. Well, I don't think they should be your people.

Yeah, we have an opinion on this which is if you're dating somebody and they already are a know about talking about their sex life, probably somebody you're not going to end up having the best relationship with because that's a withhold. And yes, people are private and some people are shy. And here's a rule we could say about the sexual deck that I think is important. There are a hundred questions. Some of them are deeper than others. You can do most of the questions and say pass on some of them. This isn't like a confessional.

You don't have to answer all the questions. That's a great question. But it will help because what we're all about and you say, I always say this and it's true. It is all about communication. If we can't communicate, we're not going to get any of our needs met. We're really not. And if we don't learn how to communicate but then also learn how to ask our partner for what we want and know what we want. That's what this whole whole book is about.

Yeah.

And the cards, the sex deck. Can I get the sex deck ahead of time now?

Yeah, of course.

I kind of want to do it tonight.

I do it with my whiskey. I don't think. Yeah, you can do it with your dinner.

Can I do it after dinner?

Cuz Emily and I are going to see my brother. I don't think I want to do it with my brother. Just saying.

That's it for today's episode, so see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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