Your Top Sex Questions of 2023

A great way to get out of your head is to simply pay attention, to be present and attuned to your partner's body and their reactions. And hopefully, if you're the recipient, you feel good about sharing with your partner, oh, that felt great. You know, don't stop, or I liked it a little bit softer. I liked it a little bit harder. Could you go back to this spot? And there's no shame in showing them with your own hands or taking their hands and placing it over your fingers, because we are the experts of our own pleasure. We know what feels Good. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm answering your top asked sex questions of 2023, plus taking you on a trip through the hottest moments of the year. It is the last episode of 2023, and there were definitely some standout episodes that you all love the most. So I'm going to play some of the highlights of the year, from my fascinating conversation with Esther Perel to my top hand play tips to just some really good moments in case you missed it, but you can always check out all of our episodes. So thanks everyone for following along as we close out the 18th year and head into our 19th year of Sex with Emily. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Have the Best New Year's Eve Kiss Ever, is up on sexwithemily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. All right, everyone, welcome to our last episode of 2023. What a wild year this has been. So many exciting things happen in the world of Sex with Emily. I'll go first here. My book, Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure, came out in June, and it's been So wonderful hearing from all of you how the books resonated. A lot of people are doing it together with their partners and doing the exercises and just people of all ages. So it's been really exciting. I launched my Shop with Emily site and it's been a lot of years in the making. I always wanted to create a really safe place for people to shop for toys that they can trust, that's accessible, that you know that if you buy something on our site, it's gonna feel good. So that's just been really exciting 'cause I didn't know how it was gonna go, but a lot of you have been visiting and shopping and buying. And just stay tuned because we just keep adding more products and it's just getting better and better. So we also built a new podcast studio. We're going to be doing more video. So there was a lot happening with Sex with Emily. And I want to say, as I close out my 18th year of doing the podcast, which is just crazy— yes, there was podcasts in 2005, not many of them, but it's just been a long journey. And I want to thank everybody for continuing to listen to 2 episodes a week, being fans of the show and following up and being really vulnerable and sharing your questions and sharing the show with your friends and just being part of the Sex Living community. I couldn't do any of this without you. I'm just so grateful that we continue to grow and learn together, and a lot of new exciting things happening next year for the pod as well. That was my year. How was your year? I hope it was wonderful. It was also fun. Let me just say this, to go on the road with Smart Sex. We just went to two cities, but next year I plan to be on the road more. And I would love to meet you wherever you live in your hometown. So we'll be sending more information on that because let's just get together and talk about sex. How about that? I'm going to dive into your top 10 most asked sex questions of the year at the end of this episode and answer them. Not going to leave you hanging. But first, I thought it'd be fun to take a walk down memory lane, do a little highlight reel of some of my favorite moments from the episodes this year. And what a better way to start than a clip from Esther Perel's episode. Psychotherapist Esther Perel is well known for her work on human relationships and erotic intelligence. Her iconic bestsellers, Mating in Captivity and State Affairs, and she's also the host of the Where Should We Begin podcast. I'll put all the links in the show notes, but for now, let's get into it. The other question I get asked a lot, and I wanted to get your take on this, is people often say to me, I'm sure they say this to you all the time, can we get the attraction back? Can we get the sex life back? But here's the caveat: if they never had it in the beginning. Hmm.

How do you answer it? I'm curious.

Esther, this is what I say, and I've been dying to ask you this question. I say it's really challenging if you never had it in the beginning, like there was no spark, there was nothing, it was maybe more of a marriage of convenience, or you kind of always resented your partner, the sex was never great, that it is really challenging to like rub sticks together and make the spark come if you never had it in the beginning. But I'm so curious what you would say about that.

Hmm.

It's one of the things I sometimes think, but I've seen so many variations on the situation, right? So I start from the premise that our emotional needs are not always aligned with our sexual needs. What makes us feel good emotionally is not necessarily what excites us sexually. So it's not about the convenience. It's that you chose someone who answered one set of wishes and needs, but not another. You did choose right, but you chose somebody, you know, who you knew was steady. Who wouldn't abandon you, who wouldn't cheat on you, who you, who knew would encourage you to blossom. There's a lot of beautiful emotional reasons for choosing someone, and you have to honor that. Now, the question becomes, it's not just a matter of chemistry. I think that I have seen many people who didn't have it from the beginning because that's in their head. They said, that's not why I choose you. I choose you for other reasons. For example, if I think of you as the steady person who you're not the erotic type, as in you're not the one I have to worry about, you don't look around. You wonder if it's true, or you wonder to what extent I do this because when I clip your wings in my imagination, in my head, I make you safe for me. And I de-eroticize you in the interest of other needs that have to do with secure attachment and stability, etc. You see, it's not just, oh, we didn't have the spark. I think that it's not the way it works. I've worked with enough people who are queer people in multiple relationships, and they find the source of their sexual interest in multiple places. It doesn't come just from sheer excitement and attraction. It sometimes comes from the depth of the connection, the curiosity, you know. So it's an important part is to say, why, what is your investment in this relationship not being so sexual? Now, are there people with whom you play better music than others? Absolutely. You can improvise with this one, you can never play with that one. And so then the question is, maybe you won't have that kind of sex, Maybe you won't play that kind of music. Maybe this is music where you each take turns. This is music that has a different intensity. No, this is not the music where you stay till 4 o'clock in the morning, you know, each jiving on the other. But there are different types of music to play. Are you interested in playing other music, or is your only interest the best music you've ever played? If the only sex that is good is that unbridled sex that was uncomplicated, easy, you know, groove from moment one, then you're not going to find that here. But are you curious about finding another type of sexuality here? No, it won't be as good as the other, but that doesn't mean that it has to be none.

What you're saying is if both people are like, we really want to find it, we want to find a way to connect, and they get to sort of do some exploring together and figure out what kind of music works with them, they can both sing to.

I mean, compatibility is Some couples are definitely more compatible than others in multiple areas. With one, you can sleep very well and have great sex but not talk. We have different levels of compatibility. The question is, what do you do with your disappointment? We will never have this is such a defeating statement that nothing can come from there, you know. And, but I have also seen people who had zero of that connection. And then the partner goes and has an affair. And suddenly they have a voracious hunger. You know, this thing called lack of desire or lack of sexual interest or desexualizing the other plays itself in many different, has many different facets. So I've seen people who were for years uninterested in their partner until someone else became interested in their partner.

Classic.

And then suddenly their partner was no longer the flannel nightgown. They became the nice silk.

We don't respect them, or we don't— we lose interest, and then we can't have them, and then it becomes that spark, right? That friction that you often talk about, right?

Or we take— or we relate to them like family members. One of the primary reasons people desexualize their partners is because they become family, and they treat their partners like family in the good sense of the word. But some people experience family in such a way that the sex starts to feel incestuous. It's like, I'm with my brother, I'm with my sister, I'm with my best friend. They tell it to you, you know. I feel like I'm with my— it's like a parent. I feel like I'm with a child. No, you don't want to have sex with a child if your head is screwed right. So the familialization, it's not familiarization, but familialization of your partner is often a major deterrent. To being able to sexualize yourself with them or sexualize them in your eyes more than many others.

Esther, I think that that is so relatable, and I think that that is absolutely the case, that we feel we become so close. I mean, this is your seminal work, A Maiden in Captivity, which just that notion that we're all walking around feeling that this person is so familiar. I used to have this spark at the beginning, but now literally I've seen them do everything. Or I hear from friends, you know, he watched me give birth to 3 children, came out of my vagina. Now how am I I'm supposed to want to have sex with them. And so this family familiarity is so relatable and relevant.

And that's what sometimes it's the woman herself, right, who says, I feel mother in this house, I feel mother. And from the place of mother, I'd have a hard time accessing my erotic energy. And so sometimes people find it much easier to leave and go and be elsewhere outside of the frame. It's not just the others are family. It's also in my role as this person, especially for women and motherhood, it's often more difficult to access the sexual self inside.

I just love talking to Esther, and you can also listen to the whole episode, which is linked here. So in the next clip, we're going to cover another commonly asked question: how often should you be having sex? I get asked that question all the time by couples, people I meet in the street, like, yeah, is this the right amount of time we should be having sex? So producer Eric and I discussed this in popular Sex in the News episode this year. So let's hear it. We've got some amazing articles pulled up right now. There's been a lot happening in the news lately when it comes to sex. There's some great research, there's some interesting studies, there's some things that people are doing that are just gonna probably blow your mind and inspire you. And so I'm here with producer Erica, and we're going to go through them with you.

Yeah, we are.

Today we're gonna get into it. And if you remember the SiriusXM days, I used to do Sex in the News. I think when the show first started 18 years ago, I did a lot of Sex and the News, and it is time because we got a lot of news to catch up on. There's a lot going on in the world right now. Erica, I want to start with this one because this is probably one of the most common questions I get asked from couples. Usually it's one person in a couple who says to me, how often should we be having sex? All the time. So this is how often happy long-term couples have sex. Do you meet the number? 2,000 British couples in happy long-term relationships revealed how often they get steamy between the sheets. They found the couples that had been together for a minimum of 10 years had sex 7 times a month on average. So I guess that's like 1.5 times a week.

Yeah.

Do you think that's—

what's the half time? You think it's just like a handjob, right? Is the half time like—

yeah.

They said the magic number helped them build a successful relationship. Here's the other things they said: that they did not believe sex was the most defining part of their union. And they said having fun together was a crucial factor for their relationship and what's kept them together for more than a decade. They also said that compromise, having no secrets, having the same sense of humor were also valued as more important than the bedroom.

Do you agree?

When people ask me this question, Erica, I always say I'm not gonna give you a number.

Yeah.

I say I'm not gonna tell you a number because you're gonna lock into that number and you're gonna be like, okay, you're gonna, gonna pair me to everyone else. But what I have found is that on average, What works is about once a week. That's like, if you made me, you had a gun to my head, you're like, give me a number. Once a week works.

Yeah.

And I think that once every 10 days doesn't work. Once a month probably doesn't work for couples. Now, let me also say this caveat. If you're in a relationship, you're like, no, Emily, you're wrong because my partner and I have sex once a month and we're both very happy about it. Then there isn't a problem. But I would say really call into the show because I want to talk to you both. And then I find that usually there's one partner who usually wants it more in that scenario. Because I found that usually there's not couples where they both match up and have the same exact sex drive. There's always one who wants a little more than the other one, and I want to normalize that. So if you can get down to a number here and say, okay, 1.5 times is the norm, and that helps you somehow get to a place of feeling like good about it, then that's fine. Then you're allowed to use a study to say like, this might work for us. I think that pretty much makes sense. It's like working out once a week.

Isn't—

once a week doesn't really help you either. You kind of need to do it twice a week or 3 times a week.

But, but sex is a little different.

It's like sex is different.

Well, partnered sex, partnered sex is different. If you're talking about solo sex as well, then it's probably—

it's probably, yeah, it's probably a little more than that. I would say that you should do solo sex a little bit more than once a week, but partnered sex, there's a lot going on in your lives. If you can come together once a week or 1.5 times a week, I want to put that 1.5 to be saying that mutual masturbation could be that half.

Yes.

Because mutual masturbation is actually a great way that it's sort of like masturbation, but you're both getting off and it's less complicated. Perhaps it's less like we got to get into a position we both like, but you know you're going to have orgasms. It's going to move a lot quicker and it's still about connection because you know that one of my missions is to decenter sex on penetration, that if you make that half time of mutual masturbation, it's not about penetration. You're still connecting and you're still having orgasms, which we know is great for our mental health, our physical health.

I wonder too if the 1.5 times could be one time is like penciled in the calendar every week because you always talk about how amazing scheduling sex is, finding a time that works for the both of you. If either of you or one of you is not aroused in the morning, then why would you try to have sex in the morning? And then the half time could be like, oh, a spontaneous one.

Yeah, it could be a floater. I like that. And then also, you guys, remember this: sex begets sex. So you just might find out that we had sex on Thursday night because that was our penciled-in night, and then you woke up Friday morning, still feeling like it was in your system and you want to have sex again. That's really, really common. So just try to get that one time down and then let this floating half-sex thing happen as it will. A floater. Oh, I love it. Next, I know you all love specific sex tips, and you all especially loved our handplay episode from earlier this year. So I wanted to highlight a clip from that episode that talks about the importance of using your hands in any sexual context, no matter what you're doing or who you're doing it with. Plus, we also get into techniques to make your partner feel amazing. So today's show is about something that everybody could use a little refresher on, including myself. I got inspired when prepping for this show because, you know, there's a lot of things we could do to spice up our sex life. You know, we talk about positions and we talk about toys, we talk about products and lubes, and you know this show is chock-full of tips, but specifically hand play, aka fingering, using your hands during sex is a lost art. I don't think we often think about that two of the most powerful accessories pretty much all of us have are our hands. Our hands are so effective at providing more pleasure to ourselves and and our partners, but sometimes we forget about it. And I'm here with my producer Erica today because I really just wanted to get into this. We want to talk about using our hands. We want to talk about fingering. We just sometimes get right into sex. We go right into penetration and we forget that hands can really uplevel the pleasure that we're feeling during sex in pretty much any situation, from kissing to obviously handjobs, foreplay, all the things. Prostate massage, prostate massage. Even like when you're making out with someone, remember to like stroke your partner's cheek, play with their hair. I want you to re-examine your hands as one of the most useful tools in your sexual toolbox.

Emily and I were talking about how hands are one of the things that take sex from feeling mechanical to feeling like a really intimate moment. If you're so focused on how you're kissing someone, the techniques you're using, you're forgetting about using their hands to think about your partner as like a whole person rather than just someone you're having sex with.

Even just saying that, like picturing like someone's hand on my face or on my neck, it makes it more intimate. You instantly feel more connected. It also— you feel more at ease by someone's hands touching you or holding someone's hand during sex. You know, I think about the classic romantic move of like making out and and like stroking their cheek. The reason why we love all these moments and why they're sort of something that we fantasize about or that we crave is because it's just more ways to feel connected, but also to stimulate all these nerve endings that we have all over our body. And while this might seem obvious or intuitive for many of us, it's just not because again, like Erica was saying, we sit sort of frozen and like right now I'm doing missionary or I'm going down to my partner, but there's nothing like, you know, in the middle of a makeout, maybe like grabbing your partner's ass, or, you know, grabbing their face and kissing them, or gently caressing their face. Or if you're going down to someone, applying a finger, using both hands, you know, that's something that can just really elevate sex.

And I feel like your hands really set the tone of the energy. If it's a gentle caress, sex is going to feel more intimate. If you're grabbing their neck, it's going to feel like a heightened passion. It's going to feel maybe a little more aggressive or rough. It completely sets the tone way more than your technique giving a handjob.

The other thing about this is sex is so centered on penetration. And, you know, like, one of the missions here on the show is to get people to realize that, like, there's so many other ways that we can have pleasure. And so for the majority of vulva owners, I just want to remind you that how we're going to orgasm is through hands, mouth, or toys, not necessarily through penetration through a penis. And actually, vulva owners are more likely to orgasm when you penetrate with a finger.

Mm-hmm.

And if we can give you some techniques to make that more accessible, that's why we're here. And also, since the majority of vulva owners require more clitoral stimulation to have orgasm, we're also talking about using your own hands during any kind of sex, that it's okay to to bring your hands into the bed. Important. And show, like, your partner what you like, or just to continue to give yourself what you need. This has happened with partners before. I would touch myself and a partner would feel threatened because they would think, well, I'm not doing enough to you, or they would sort of just be offended by it, or probably mostly intimidated. But really, it can really kind of help take it to another place. It can help you have more orgasms. Your partner learn by how you touch yourself. So mutual masturbation is something we talk about a lot on the show. When you are showing your partner what you need or what you like, that's like a gift, right?

Especially for vulva owners. We require clitoral stimulation during penetration before. And Emily was reminding me in prepping this episode, vulva owners are more likely to orgasm during penetration if they've already had an orgasm first through clitoral stimulation or through stimulating the G area through fingering, which is why in heteronormative couples, it's so important to prioritize fingering or oral sex before penetration and not just like, oh, warm my partner up a couple digs around in there for 3 seconds and then skip right to penetration. It's not something that you just stop over. It's really something you take your time. You practice the craft, you bring your partner to orgasm. And then you can move on to other things. Or if you're in a same-sex relationship, this is one of the main events, which is why it's so important.

It's that drive-by fingering that doesn't work, or that one-lick wonder, like someone who goes down on you for like 30 seconds. That doesn't work. We're talking about the art of hand play.

Let's like put ourselves in the moment. Remember, slow teasing and arousal is the name of the game here. So starting around on the external, around the vaginal opening is great. Stroking the labia— the labia is packed with nerve endings. It actually— y'all haven't seen a picture of the clitoris. The legs go through the labia, right?

Yeah, the legs extend behind the labia. The clitoris is not just a little bulb that you see, but there's like 12,000 nerve endings in it. And so the labia, the perineum, the inner thighs— I mean, start with gentle touch. You don't want to go right for the clitoris. But when you think about using your fingers, you could stroke back and forth, you can stroke up and down, you can play with different movements, use your fingers in like in a circular motion. You can put your fingers together and sort of tug or squeeze on the clitoris, the labia. So you want to play with your fingers and see what actually feels good to a partner. You also want to play with different pressures. Maybe they want a harder pressure, maybe they want a feathery touch. There's different ways to touch a vulva owner. And I don't think I've said this in a while, but I'm going to remind you that if you put 100 vulva owners in a room and they were all touching themselves, they would all want different kinds of movements and touch, and they will be touching themselves in different ways, like a circular motion with the pads of your finger or back and forth or up and down, going fast, going slow. Playing with different sensations so you can see what actually feels good. And don't forget the lube. Now, this is how we're going to also get warmed up and turned on. Pay attention to your partner. Is their breath quickening? Are they, you know, moaning? Is their face getting flushed? Also, the clitoris swells, the vulva swells when we're more aroused. So you're going to be getting your signs right there. So pay attention. This is like when people always say they're in their heads too much during sex. A great way to get out of your head is to simply pay attention and to be present and attuned to your partner's body and their reactions, because they're going to be telling you exactly what you need to know about your touch. How is it going? And hopefully, if you're the recipient, you feel good about sharing with your partner, oh, that felt great. You know, don't stop, or I liked it a little bit softer. I liked it a little bit harder. Harder? Could you go back to this spot? And there's no shame in showing them with your own hands or taking their hands and placing it over your fingers, because we are the experts of our own pleasure. We know what feels good.

And then it really does feel collaborative if you are moving their hand. Like, let's face it, they don't always hit the right spot on the first try. That's no problem. Just show them exactly where you want to be touched. Maybe it's a little to the side of your clitoris. The external part, maybe it's a little lower, like only you know. So don't be afraid to guide your partners. Don't be afraid to tell them, oh, that feels good. Or like a little lighter. It's super hot.

Just in like talking about it, like, yeah, like moving their underwear to the side too. So you still like the fabric on and you can play with either side because everyone's a little bit different. Like some people, their left side of their clitoris or their labia is more sensitive or the right. And you know, this is all in us. Best guess to figure it out first. But if you have a willing partner, you guys can figure it out together, and then you're going to know. And then you build on it every time you have sex. You're like, oh, I know. When I say sex, it's any kind of sexual activity.

Exactly.

You're going to know that this is what feels good, and this is the fun stuff. I mean, this is what makes sex really fun and collaborative. And if you're reading my book Smart Sex, you know how important collaboration is and communicating with your partner. Do you know what feels good to you? Do you know what turns you on? Do you know how to explain that to a partner? Things are only going to get hotter and sexier after this quick break for our sponsors because I'm sharing some of the hottest hotline calls from the year before answering your very top sex questions. All right, stick around. This is from Jane, 38 years old.

Hi Emily, my name is Jane. Um, I am a 38-year-old woman and in a heterosexual committed relationship. I have a question that's really bothering me and I would love to get your advice on. I recently have gotten several sore throats and, and actually now a throat infection from having aggressive, rough oral sex. At least that's what my intuition says, and I believe that it's happening and possible. My thoughts are, I don't think that my boyfriend realizes how aggressive he's being in the moment, and I have tried to communicate that to him, and he seems to think that that's not possible, and it's not because of him, but I think it So my question, I guess, would be, have you heard of this before, aggressive oral sex causing a bad sore throat and throat infection? And then, is that something that I should be concerned about in terms of a long-term relationship, that he's not really respecting my body, or that he's not respecting that he could be inflicting pain on me when I have brought it up to him. He's not open to discussing it or maybe even saying, oh, okay, I won't be as aggressive next time. I'd love to hear from you.

Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane. Okay, I am so glad you asked this question because, oh, like, okay, let's just take this one thing at a time. First, I love that you talk about your intuition, and I think that we don't listen to that enough. And what you said was you believe that it's the rough oral sex that is actually impacting your sore throats and that your thoughts are that you don't think your boyfriend realizes that he's being aggressive. I would go with that only because you further on explained to us that he's not open to discussing the fact that you're having any kind of pain. You're telling him that you have pain and he's not open to discussing it.

Exactly. That for me is kind of the red flag because we hear a lot of cases of people having aggressive sex. Maybe that's influenced by porn. Maybe that's something he's seen, like pushing someone's head down on someone's penis. And I could see that maybe being something he's unaware of, as Jane suggested, but if she's brought it up and he doesn't seem open to discussing it, that is where the red flags go off for me.

Yeah. You've brought it up to him. So I don't care if you're like, oh, I stubbed my toe or I have this infection or I'm not feeling well. You're in a committed relationship with somebody. And part of being in a relationship, hopefully one of your non-negotiables is a partner who's concerned with your physical and mental health. He's like, not concerned with it. Doesn't think it's anything he's doing. Well, it's your throat after oral sex hurts when his penis is in your mouth.

Yeah.

Like, that's like, what other evidence does he need here? I'm assuming, Erica, that he's pushing her head down. Not letting her come up for air and he's doing one of the, like, choking, gagging, like we've seen in porn. And so only you know, like, we're not there, Jane, but is that what's happening? Is that what's happening? Because you sound like a little bit like your intuition, but also you're not sure and he's not sure. But wouldn't we all parties know that that's a little bit aggressive oral sex?

Yeah. Like, I have to assume that's somewhat painful, extremely uncomfortable. And I don't know, I know people are into aggressive sex, but it has to be something that you are both into for it to be mutually satisfactory, consensual. And if you don't wanna shame him, you could just say, hey, I wanna know more about why is this a fantasy for you? Maybe you could even like simulate the aggression without actually acting it out.

Yeah.

That aggressively.

Exactly. You could use your hand to like do the tightness and put your mouth as a tip, like you don't have to actually do the act. And also, not only might it not be consensual, but is it even pleasurable to you? Right. So I want to know where are you finding pleasure in this relationship? Because the other thing might be when you have a conversation with him about you guys going to have to kind of rework your oral sex game here because whatever it is, it's not providing you with pleasure. And then you have the opportunity now to tell him what you would like more of. So it's more pleasurable for both of you.

Exactly.

And any partners, how could they disagree with that? Like, let's talk about what feels great to both of us, right?

And when you're giving oral sex, it can still be pleasurable. It's not just about the receiver.

Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver, which is why I do spend so much time in Smart Sex, my new book. I have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex because I think a lot of us are pleasers. We get caught up in the moment. We think it's about our partner's pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cake and eat it too. Give our blowjobs and enjoy them too.

Love it.

Okay. Thanks, Jane. I appreciate you. We got Ryan, 62, in Massachusetts.

Hey, Emily. My name is Ryan. I live in Massachusetts. Love your show. I'm 66 years old and been married for 39 years. My wife and I have a great sex life. We don't get it on as much as we used to get it on. I guess that's understandable. Lately I've been trying to get her to give me a rim job. I love ass play. I love hers. I love to probe, and she's good with it. She won't give it back to me, and that concerns me. And I think that maybe part of it is she's a nurse and she sees the medical. She may see it unhealthy or what have you, but that to me just stimulates, and I think that can just ratchet up, uh, sex life to back to where it used to be. So Any tips on overcoming that would be great. Thanks. I love your show.

Ryan, thank you for your question. 39 years. Amazing. Congratulations for that. And still working on trying new things. I love it. First, we define rim job for everyone. Rim job means I think what you're desiring here is for her to lick around your anus, the opening, sphincter muscles, that whole area. Maybe a little finger eventually. That's what I'm hearing from you. So first, I want to normalize the fact that anal sex has been around for a very long time. However, for straight men to want to have anal play, for many people, is still a very foreign concept. A lot of women were not given this opportunity. It didn't really come up. There's a lot of connotations around it that might not always be positive. So yes, I think maybe it has to do with her being a nurse. Maybe it has to be that she's been with you for 40 years and it's a new area. Remember, we all get uncomfortable when our partners make new suggestions for anything. Like, why don't we start to not watch TV at night anymore and read books? Or why don't we start to hike more? Why don't we start to do anal sex more? It's always like a— like anything new, and you guys are in a pattern, there's going to be some concern. So I understand that. And so I think having some more information on it, talking about outside the bedroom, explaining to her why it would make you feel good, definitely doing it maybe in the shower would be a great place to start.

When you already are clean, especially if she's concerned about hygiene, which it sounds like she is. Asking for a friend, like, what are other tips? Like, I don't think I feel particularly comfortable with it.

Yeah, with rimming. Yeah, yeah. I would say the tips would be to make sure that your partner's clean or that you're both clean. And it could help, like, when you're giving a blowjob, just to kind of— because you can kind of like fit your tongue around there, you can kind of like start to lick around like their perineum Maybe you can turn them over and like spread their cheeks apart. You can add a little bit of lube to make sure that it's already— because lube feels good. Flavored lube would be delicious. We've got some Joe flavored lube on our website, which is selling quickly. Oh my God, everyone's gonna want a rim when they taste this lube because it has like— what is it, like mint chocolate and caramel?

It's delicious. Oh yeah, like raspberries.

Delicious. So I think that maybe getting some lube, and maybe you could find a scene in porn or something where she gets what it is, because sometimes people need to see it to understand it. Like, this might just be a totally foreign concept. Like, she's thinking, what, you're gonna get off the toilet and then we're gonna sit down and lick your ass? Like, you need to let her know that it's gonna be clean, it's gonna be consensual. She could even maybe start with a finger and then just play around, give her some more information, and then give her some more tools.

Right. I wonder, has she engaged in any type of anal play with you? Like, maybe rim jobs aren't the first one if she's never touched you before.

Yeah, that's a great point. Maybe she starts with the finger. Yeah, maybe she starts taking a finger and tracing it around your sphincter muscles, your anus, with a little bit of lube. She could just start there, see how it goes. Listen, she could also use a glove. She could even use a dental dam, which would also feel good if she felt that there was some chance she could use a dental dam over you, which is just basically a a condom cut open. It's like a flat piece of latex. So those are some places to start.

I love that. I mean, a dental dam, you got me with that one. That sounds great. And also maybe just do her a favor and really make sure you clean up beforehand. Give her that ease of mind. Yeah, like do your due diligence.

Yeah, let her know that you're doing it too.

Okay, perfect.

Thanks for your question. Now on to your top asked sex questions of 2023, and I'm just gonna rapid-fire answer them because I have a hard time stating a question and not answering it. Here we go. How can I have satisfying sex on SSRIs? Those are antidepressants. You can. For many people, number one, over time you might have side effects in the beginning, but you won't have them a few months in. So take your time, talk to your doctor, and let them know you're having these sexual side effects. That is not something that you need to ignore, and sometimes they can change up your dose. Okay, you can have satisfying sex and also share this with your partner if you're on a medication. Number two, how do I squirt Why did I squirt? Why do I only squirt with a certain activity, person, toy? Number 1, check out our squirting episode. You guys love that episode. But squirting usually happens because you have internal stimulation of your G-spot, your G area, and it can be with a toy. Sometimes it's with a toy externally too, because you're applying so much pressure to those internal nerves. But usually it's direct pressure to that area. And why do you only squirt with a certain activity, person, or toy? I'd like you to think about that for a minute. What was happening preceding that? Was there a lot of time foreplay warm-up with this particular shape of the penis or the toy? Because you could probably MacGyver that yourself and figure out what actually worked here. What was happening to me? You can figure out the clues to that because I wasn't there. Number 3, what is aftercare? Why is it so important to sex? Why am I feeling the need for it all of a sudden? Aftercare. Aftercare is the part of sex when sex is over. However you define sex, maybe you've had penetrative sex, you both had orgasms, you're lying in bed, and you or wherever you are, but you want a moment to connect with your partner again because you just went through this really intense, hopefully satisfying experience, and everything's opened up. Your senses, your emotions, your feelings. And so you're feeling like very vulnerable in these moments. And so aftercare might just be the moment of connecting with your partner, cuddling for a few minutes, you know, stroking their hair, they stroke yours, and just feeling safe and connected rather than just having sex and boom, you're out of bed, you're in an Uber, and you're leaving someone's house. We want a little bit of aftercare. Why is my partner so averse to oral sex? How can I communicate with them about it? There's a lot of reasons why people are averse to oral sex. It was a bad first-time experience. Maybe there's some religious, psychological, moral issues around it. Maybe they don't feel like they're great at it. But you got to communicate with them. Timing, tone, and turf. And say to them, oral sex is a really important part of my sexual arousal, my sexual pleasure, and I've noticed that you're just really not that into it. Can you tell me more about that? What do you know about oral sex? And if you do it with a light tone, curious, and listen. Then we've got, my partner isn't into my kink or fetish. What do I do? Well, first, find out more about it. What is it about this kink or fetish that doesn't really turn you on? I'm actually really curious. I'd love to know because I'd love to understand what what your turn-ons are so we can work together to co-create a really satisfying, healthy, beautiful relationship. Thanks for a great year, everyone, and I can't wait to talk to you in 2024. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TOXIE. Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. President Barack Obama.

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