EP446: What Happens After You Go First: The Good, The Hard, & The Ugly

So you went first. You felt the nudge. You told the truth. You made the call. You actually freaking jumped. And then the noise stopped. No parade. No instant confirmation. None of this. See? I told you so. Just space that moment right after the decision, when the adrenaline wears off and your brain catches up to your body and it's like, what the actual did I just do? Moment. This is the part no one prepares you for. Because going first isn't just a decision. It's actually an initiation. And initiations don't come with instructions. They sometimes come with silence. They sometimes come with panic, and they sometimes come with I don't know what the fuck I just did. Relief and terror start coexisting in the same breath your body exhales while your mind starts negotiating. And this is where most people panic. Not before the jump, but after it. Because the moment after courage is where everything you thought you knew gets tested. This is the part no one talks about. And it's exactly where we're going today. So let's dive in. Hey. Hey. And welcome to the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley. Enneagram expert leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends. No, this is the real deal. This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation. Not just information and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute, but embodying your highest expression, that is where your edge is. Every week, I'm bringing you the truth behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an enneagram8 like me, not throat punch someone. We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it. Hey. Hey. And welcome back to another episode of the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley. Okay, so you jumped and now gets weird, right? I want you to know that I totally understand sometimes, you know, if you're a little more impulsive, like me. Like, the actual going first doesn't always throw you. It's the. After the effect. And I'm. I am not immune to this. Nobody really is. And it's what we do with it, where things get, you know, shifted for you. So last week we talked about, you know, the courage it takes to go first and the power that comes with making that decision and. And actually doing it. This is where we talk about the initiation portion of it. And so I want you to know if things feel strange after you went first, if the energy has shifted, if the silence feels louder than you expected, I want you to know that nothing has gone wrong. But you're at your threshold. You know, this after moment is a lot time, a lot of times more destabilizing than the decision. And silence can feel threatening because sometimes we expect feedback, not necessarily from other people, but, like the universe, God, ourselves. Right? And a lot of times there's an identity lag where your old self hasn't caught up yet or where, you know, the protective mechanisms that come into play are starting to chirp out a little bit louder. And this is where you might even think you made a mistake. And again, I have done this. Am in a. In a version of doing this. So I want you to know I completely understand. And sometimes it's like, okay, I've made the decision and you've crossed the line. And, yeah, you could go back, but I know you really don't want to uncross that line that you've crossed. So we're going to talk about the good, the hard, and the ugly, about what happens after you go first. So let's talk about the good, right? Your body settles in, even your mind, even if your mind is panicking, right? And the integrity lands. I know when I made this decision many times in my life, it was like my whole body exhaled, right? And in that moment, it's like this feels good. You feel the weight even maybe lifted off your chest, off your mind, off your spirit. Maybe you sleep better after you make the decision to go first. And whatever that looks like for you, personally, professionally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Right? You know, that nervous system relief after really just being embodied in your truth and. And being in alignment. Right? And I hate that word that gets thrown around so much, but I know. You know what I mean? You Stop leaking energy into the second guessing or should I? Should I, should I, should not. You know all the shoulds that you do. Sometimes even the internal noise starts to quiet and it's like ripping that band band aid off of needing certainty is sometimes met with like this calm feeling. Self trust begins after the action and not before, right? I know when I made the decision to resign my old position in my network marketing company and decided to come back into this space again, you know, I was like, hell yes, I know who the I am. I know what I'm capable of. I know why I'm doing this, right? So like that, that feels really good. After we decide to go first, you just even carry yourself differently after you've found that courage and acted on it. You stand a little taller, you speak more confidently. Like I said, you, you sleep differently. Your ability to connect to others shifts. Maybe if you're somebody like me who tends to isolate in uncertainty and vulnerability, all of a sudden you, you start engaging again with life. You start taking better care of yourself, right? And then you maybe even you start to feel whole instead of split into or like this tug of war starts to happen. Like there's so many beaut that come when you do decide to go first. Now here's where it gets hard, right? This is kind of like what you lose. Even when you know it's right, people don't always come with you, right? And that really, really, really hurts. And it's really, really, really hard. Even if you know from the neck up, like this has gotta go. They aren't right for me. They don't understand me. They misunderst understand me. Like they, they misjudged me. All these things you can know from the neck up that this is absolutely the right thing. But from the neck down in your heart, in your body, even in your spirit, sometimes like you start to have this holy what am I doing Moment, right? So some of the things that get hard when you go first and this isn't made up, this actually happens sometime. And it's painful even when you know, right? Sometimes you lose proximity, you know, the, the squad that you hung with all the time. When you make a decision that is impactful, that again, maybe people don't understand or they think you're delusional or you're. You've come unhinged. Sometimes people do the Irish duck out in your life. And sometimes it's loud, sometimes it's not so quiet. You know, the misunderstanding that happens a lot of times. Like I talked about, like there's that projection from other people's fear or they have envy, right? Not necessarily jealousy, but envy that you have that courage and they're not ready to look in that mirror and make those kind of decisions for themselves. People get really uncomfortable when. When you do things like that. One thing that is really hard. And. And I did this. Wow. I've done this a few times, right? Grieving people, roles and identities. I know when I made the decision to pull back from my other network marketing business back seven years ago and decided to go all in on the podcast, my coaching and consulting practice and all the things. And I wasn't in proximity with all the people, places and things and I mean, I was highly revered and people really did feel that impact that I made in their life. But it was a really harsh reality. That out of sight, out of mind, or even the what have you done for me lately kind of thing. And that there, there's grief that comes with that. And especially if you go first and walk away from something when you're at the top of your game or when on paper it all makes sense. And I'm talking about relationships here too. And even in making the decision again to come back into the network marketing space when everything made no sense to do so, to resign a six figure income that I didn't have to do anything for anymore, the minute I made that decision, all the good came with that, right? The, the calm, the absolutely. Like, I know I did the right thing. This feels really good. This feels like the right absolute decision. I knew with my whole being it was the right decision. And within minutes the grief hit right? Like, oh my God, I put 14 years of my life into that. Like, I started that when I was freshly sober and I was 40 years old and now I'm almost 54. And. And it does. Like, grief doesn't mean you made the wrong decision, right? And pain does not equal regret. Grief gives evidence that it meant something to you. And even in it meaning something to you, sometimes you have to turn the PA page. And sometimes that part of the story is over. And for all my Gen X people, like, one of my favorite songs is Turn the Page by Bob Seeger. Put it on your Spotify playlist. Especially if you are in this moment of going first, you went first. Now you're like, holy, what have I done? Like, get in your car, roll down the windows. If you're in a warmer climate. Put that on and crank it. Crank it. Cue to myself. I'm going to do that as soon as I'm done recording this, and I'm still working on this one. Because grief comes in waves, you know, even when it's the right thing. Even, you know, when I got divorced 18 years ago, I knew it was the right thing. I absolutely knew it was the right thing. And it was gutting and it came in waves. And sometimes I'd be like, okay, yes, here we go. And other days I was like, oh my gosh, what have I done? What have I done? So you can hold on to grief without retreating. And I'm still working on this one because, you know, depending on how you're wired, what retreating looks like can be very different and have different meaning. This is why understanding and integrating what you know about your Enneagram and your framework, including like your tri type and all of that is really, really helpful to not have this part of the process, the hard part, really derail you. Right? So now it's time to talk about the ugly and what no one likes to admit about what happens after you go first. And this is where sometimes you might over explain yourself back into captivity, right? It's like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like, forget about it. Like, I changed my mind. I changed my mind. And, you know, I know some of the Enneagram types really do that more than others. You know, my. My personal preference is like, let's overcompensate. Let's swing to the other end of the pendulum. So some of the other ugly things that can happen is, you know, over explaining yourself, over justifying the decisions, even over sharing the process, right? Trying to make it land so that other people can understand. So it doesn't feel as lonely. But like I said last week, like, this literally feels like you're walking into the wilderness and it's ice cold and it's dark as. And there's nobody around and you can't hear anything and it's like, oh my gosh. And so sometimes when we try to over explain or over share or try to make it land for somebody, it's like we just want to. To have somebody within reach, you know, almost like a safety line. But usually when we do that, we chip away at the whole reason and the whole divine, knowing that it was time to go first sometimes. And this one's really, really, really hard for me is, you know, loneliness kind of driving that self betrayal, right? The self sabotage. And even though I made this decision like five months ago to do this network marketing thing again, and I'm doing it well and I've done it very quietly, like if you follow me on social Media. I haven't even really talked about it that much. And it's thriving and it's building and it's easy and it's beautiful and it's hard and it's awesome. And also like in making this decision, I know I'm being misunderstood. I know I'm being shit talked. I know a lot of things and so I tend to isolate myself and I'm, I'm speaking to all of you. Like isolation, like nothing happens good there, right? There's a difference between solitude and isolation. I've done a post on this before. I definitely need to reshare it because it's so important. But that loneliness, sometimes for some of you, especially my more avoidant people, you end up stuck in it, right? And even though like I'm not not working and not not showing up like there, there is an ev. A little bit of this self sabotage and self betrayal by not like owning it and being bold in it. So like I said, I teach this stuff, but I'm not immune to it either. Sometimes we can over explain, like I said, as even a trauma response and naming versus managing reactions. And what happens when you start chasing that approval, chasing some kind of connection in this fear, you lose authority and you lose credibility and you lose trust. I remember when I decided to get sober and everybody in my life thought like, what are you doing? You're not that bad. Like I did not chase their approval. I did not seek their understanding. And it's why I truly, truly believe it was a hell yes in my entire soul. Even though I was scared as to do it, I, I firmly believe, like that resolve has kept me almost. God, what is it? It's gonna be 14 years this year. Holy 14 years of sobriety. And also when I made the decision 14 years ago to step into the network marketing space at the time, like again, everybody thought I was crazy. They're grabbing their popcorn, waiting to see what would happen. And it's because I had 00 fucks about what anybody thought. I knew going first would not only impact my life, but I could see very clearly what was to come. I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I knew it was. And again, probably why I became one of the fastest millionaires in that company in 26 months, making my first million dollars, you know, being one of the first to remove my breast implants at a time that nobody was talking about it. Even my doctor was like, what? What are you talking about? But I knew it in my entire body again, even though I was like looking in the mirror saying, what am I about to do right now? I knew. And I didn't over explain it. I just knew. I made the appointment, I said what I wanted, and I went. And here I am almost nine years later with restored health and healthier than probably I've been most of my life at almost 54 years old. So I want you to know that, like, it gets ugly, and also you can turn that ugly into beautiful. But you have to know what you're working with. Again, this is why I. I love the Enneagram so much. It's why I've become a master practitioner with it. And it's why I really love helping other people understand and integrate it in their life. Now, I want to name something really important right here, right? Because I know you might be listening to this and think, okay, Trace, but how do I actually live like this? And I want you know, if you are thinking that you're asking the right question. Because just hearing this and knowing this information, you know, my. My thing, information does not equal transformation. It's integration of it that does. Because going first is not the finish line. It's kind of like that threshold, right? And what most people, including you, don't need, is more courage. You need staying power. The narrator says, tracy, I'm talking to you right now too. And that's true. And that's a different skill set entirely, right? And so I want to kind of incorporate a little Enneagram integration in here, especially if you know your Enneagram type. If you've gotten my blueprint before, this will be super helpful. Helpful. If you haven't yet, you know, I highly encourage it. You can go to traciomiley.com and get yours. Because my assessments are 95 accurate, most of the ones online that you can get for free or paid are 65 to 70% inaccurate. So, like, that's why I definitely encourage it. Not necessary. But this will absolutely help you streamline what this might look like for you. Because after you go first, your pattern just doesn't disappear. You know that muscle memory is no joke. It doesn't disappear here. It kind of flares up because everything gets activated when you take courageous, brave, compassionate action. So if you are in the instinctual or gut center, the eights, nines, and ones, what happens is, like your patterns, your protective mechanisms, you might try to control the fallout. You might try to push revolution or resolution. You might try to, like, white knuckle, some kind of control. Now, that looks very different for an 8, 9, and 1. But I want you to know if in that instinctual type, by default, that's where you will go. And by design, learning how to still feel strong, peaceful, righteous, you can do that without swinging to that other end of the pendulum. Now for my heart or feeling center types, the twos, threes and fours, you want to, you know, say forget about it, never mind, never mind. You try to repair that connection that maybe you lost or that proximity that you've lost, you might overcompensate by trying to prove your worth by being over giving people pleasing, you know, over goal set, over extra ness, you know, and you can know that you're worthy and valuable without doing that. So there's this fine line with that. And again, what this looks like for a 2, 3 and 4 can differ. But you know, your feeling center, heart centered people are motivated by a form of significance. And so I understand and, and feel for you that that driver like your need for that might have you kind of overextending yourself and backtracking. And then the shame will hit, right? Which we don't want that, we don't want that for you. For my head or thinking centers, the five sixes and sevens. This, you know, after the, the courage it takes to go first, you might rethink, overthink, try to escape, numb out, look for evidence to give you or believe that you have safety right there. There's always this over compensation swing that we do when we're in fear or we're in the holy moment. And you can absolutely think about what you've done, you absolutely can move and do other things at the same time and you can absolutely find safety even in the uncertainty because the five sixes and sevens have this need for certainty. Now what that looks like for a 5, 6 and 7 again is very different. You can listen to past episodes to understand that we'll do more of that here. And I want you to know like these patterns that come up. Why. Another reason why I love the enneagram is it works like a compass, right? It kind of just lets you know where you're at on any given day. And it doesn't have to have all this emotional charge and emotional, emotional authority that makes you kind of come unhinged, right? The patterns aren't wrong, they're just really protective of you. Now the thing about this protection is they don't always serve you the way that you believe that they are, right? So how we integrate this is like, like understanding and having compassion for the patterns and the protective mechanisms, but not erasing it. So I encourage you to stay curious when this comes. And again, you know, when you know your Enneagram framework, you'll know it. Like, I know, I know I'm in the five cave right now. Because that's where an eight goes. When they're fearful and under stress or feel like their strength and power is being compromised or it feels extra vulnerable, right? And even though I know I'm here, instead of like saying, tracy, you're a piece of shit. What the fuck are you doing? Like, and those things happen, right? But instead I really go to staying curious, staying compassionate and honestly, staying really kind to myself. So I'm going to encourage you guys to do the same thing. And this is where, like, the Enneagram work really becomes embodied. Now, when this is all happening, guess what happens to your body? Your nervous system is saying, what are you doing? And this is why calm sometimes can feel unsafe, right? Comp. Can feel more dangerous than chaos sometimes. And if you are like me, where you grew up, walking on eggshells, all the things, even though I hated every second of it. It's what I know and it's what my body knows. So having some anchors to help you stay recalibrated even when the calm feels unsafe will. Will be really important. Again, staying curious, staying compassionate, and staying really kind and gentle with yourself. Because sometimes that familiar chaos versus unfamiliar peace is a reckoning that's happening for you sometimes. Trauma bonding with other people to intensify things again, right? You might be stirring the pot or creating unnecessary drama in your life or reaching out to people that, you know, maybe aren't good for you and they're part of the story is over. But it's like, at least you know what to expect. And sometimes that can take your nervous system out of whack because you're familiar with that. And I'm telling you, real sustainable change, peace, courage, growth, all the things happen where it's sustainable. When you can recalibrate your nervous system that post courage, self sabotage. Okay, I'm raising my hand right now because that's one of my go tos, right? Like, I feel so brave and powerful and like, yeah, I'm going to do this. And then it's like, okay, I'm going to procrastinate. I'm going to isolate. I'm going to do this right? Anybody else? No, just me. No, I know. It's not. This is a big one for a lot of people. It's like, yeah, I coach people all the time after they've gone first and then they're like 911-911. I need help, right? That. That creating drama in your life you think is regulating you, but it's actually throwing you completely out of the whack, you know? And if you remember last episode when I talked about, like, the eye of the storm, like, sometimes we have to go through the chaos and to get to the eye of the storm where it's calm. But when we're so unfamiliar with what calm feels like and we get scared and it gets lonely and quiet, sometimes we walk so fast to the other end that we end up back in a storm. And we don't want to do that. Right. I will say learning to stay in calm is very challenging if you grew up with any dysfunction, which, hello, everybody has. But it. It really is glorious. But it is also quiet and lonely and. And all the things sometimes. But it's really, really important to honor the calling. Regulation definitely is a skill that you have to practice because like I said, the muscle memory is no freaking joke. Your body will try to lie to you, even though the body keeps score in. The body never lies. You will override what your body is trying to tell you. And you'll. You'll say it's your body, but it's actually your old conditioning and all the things. So what gets rebuilt and what doesn't? This, this is going to take some discernment. You don't just build a new chapter, right? When you make. Make that decision, you have the courage. You rip the band aid off, you jump, you say, I'm going, let's go. Right? You don't just build a new chapter. You have to build a new relationship with yourself. And this is hard, right? When you get to be my age, like, seriously, I feel like I'm on version 5 or 6.0 and I'm telling you, I love it and I hate it sometimes because the process isn't fun. The product of it is. But the process sucks sometimes, right? So understanding, like, what relationships fall away and why that's necessary and which ones deepen and also who shows up. This has been the coolest part in the last, I would say since January 1st, when I was like, no, I'm doing this. I'm excited. You know, I've flown to places and helped new leadership teams get built up. It's so cool. In the first six weeks of 2026, the people that have come into my life, and it's weird because I feel like I've been connected to them forever, and it feels so good. And in doing that like in, in those relationships that fell away, it made room for. This happened. It was really uncomfortable. And so being discerning, especially when the hard and the ugly is happening, to hold space for that for yourself so that this stuff can happen is really, really important. What also is important is this identity reconstruction. And again, this is a continuous process, right? This isn't just a box you check, you guys. And this is what a lot of people don't understand. You know, how many people come to me like, I did the work, I did the inner child work, I did this work, I did this work, I h this person, I blah, blah, blah. Like this is an evolution reconstruction process and if you're not growing, you're dying, right? Tony Robbins. If you don't repair it, it gets repeated or you repeat it or both, right? Your expansion, the capacity expansion also you have to make room for that, you know, that abundance, those relationships, the wealth, everything, the health, the longevity, the vitality. Like you have to expand your capacity for that. And sometimes that means like, stuff can't come to this next part of the story. Another thing that is really, and this word gets thrown around a lot is I have boundaries, I have boundaries. A lot of people use the word boundaries as a way to not deal with things. It's. It's a buzzword right now. Like same with alignment, boundaries, it gets thrown around a lot. So having clarity on what a true boundary is with yourself, with other people. And I want you to know I break these ones with myself a lot, you know, because we can justify any of it. And this is where discernment has to be strong. And building that muscle has to be like number one priority. You'll have to set new standards for self trust, right? Like understanding. Is this my own story again? Meeting yourself with compassion, kindness and curiosity, or like, do I know with my whole being that this is what needs to happen and I'm willing to sit in the uncomfortableness of this and not betray myself, you know. So you have to set that new standard of what, what self trust looks like and what self trust looked like even six months ago. I'm talking to myself here. And what it means now can, can be so in crazy, crazy different integrity as a lived value. I will say this. This is my number one priority in my life in all areas. And I hold integrity with the people that I love, the people that I lead. I do this really, really, really in the, the way that I operate in business, the way that I coach, you know, integrity is number one. And also I'm going To put a big asterisk here. I don't always hold myself in taking care of myself and honoring myself always. Again, this is not a boxy check. This is a very consistent practice that has to happen for it to be sustainable. But integrity is me. And if I'm going to be in integrity with everybody else, I also have to continuously go first by doing that for myself. So I'm saying that as much to you as I am to myself, and no longer abandoning yourself, that kind of goes along with being in integrity with yourself. Like, seriously, I want you to imagine like a four year old sitting in front of you. Would you abandon that four year old? No. No, you wouldn't. Even if it's not your kid, like you couldn't see some innocent child kind of looking scared and just like kick it to the curb. You wouldn't. And sometimes when we do these self betrayal things, these self abandoning things, that's kind of what we're doing. So just know, like, you got to put the reps in consistently, frequently, honestly, in order for all of this to really grow the way that you want to. Now. Staying after courage, like courage isn't the jump. Courage is in the staying. And this is where it gets really, really hard. And you know, staying when the novelty fades, right? Staying when the grief hits, staying when a validation doesn't come, or staying when, you know, when you thought it would go a certain way and it starts to look a little bit different. This is the difference between leaders and performers. This is a difference between becoming versus arriving. And the aftermath is the real work. It really, really is. And I want you to know I understand this is a roller coaster ride and you will feel all the different waves of the emotion. Even if you're not in enneagram 4, I admire you enneagram fours. But even if you're not in enneagram 4, the waves of all the different emotions. And you know, when you do actually go first and now in this initiation that you're in, I want you to know that I understand how hard it is and you're gonna go anyway, right? Going first is the moment, but staying is the practice. Right? An embodiment, learning how to live lead love from integrity without constantly ripping your nervous system apart. That's the work that most people never get taught. And this is where you and a lot of people honestly get stuck and sometimes even completely blow up your life, right? Sometimes you flip flop between the bravery, Bravery, braver re and the collapse. I do this a lot, right? Because we're human. You Guys, truth and self abandonment, you'll flip flop. Between courage and exhaustion. It feels like, you know, a tug of war constantly. And if you're there right now in this aftermath, or if the worry about this is preventing you from going first, you know, the quiet, the grief, the recalibration, I want you to hear this so clear. I want you to hear this here, right here, right now. Nothing has gone wrong. You are not failing. But I want you to know you're being refined to carry out the calling that's on your life. The courage is important. The staying is just as important. And in the next episode, we're going to talk about what it means to stay. To really, really stay. Not stay silent, not stay stuck, but to stay rooted. To stay regulated. To stay in your truth when it's no longer exciting and no one is clapping. And even if you don't even know what the you've done right, because that's where the courage stops being like this huge event and it actually becomes who you are. So I know this stirred something in you. And I don't want you to rush to fix it. I don't want you to rush to explain it. I want you to let it settle for a minute. For a minute. And you know, if this resonated with you, please share this with somebody. I would love to hear from you. If you don't want to do it publicly, you can slide into my DMS on Instagram at Tracy_O'. Malley. You could go to my website, Tracey O' Malley.com. there's an email there I want you to know like. Like letting it settle for just a. Just a minute. And we will take those next steps together. So in next week's episode, I'm going to dive in to what it means to embody this not just once, but over and over and over and over again so that this going first thing, like, feels really good. It'll still be scary. It'll still have all these things. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, the beautiful, all of it. But practice makes perfect in it. Even when it's messy, even when it's crazy. And yeah, I know that there. There is this beautiful calling that's on your life and there is mine too. And you know, when we choose our own adventure, sometimes we're opening doors and turning pages that maybe we haven't seen or walked through before. But I want you to know we can do this together. I am super grateful for you than you for being along for me on this scary journey of yet another going first. It is terrifying, and I've done it a lot. So I want you to know you're not alone. There's nothing wrong. Let's do this together. But in the meantime, I'm cheering for you. I'm rooting for you, and I'm so grateful that we are on this journey together. We'll see you next week. And that's a wrap on today's Dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the gut or lit a fire under your ass good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram. It's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true, and keep walking your edge.