Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 12 "Stop Pretending"

Confidence Is Overrated, an informal reading by the author Travis Thomas. That's me. Hi. Chapter 12, Stop Pretending. Quote, to be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest, end quote. Pima children, when was the last time you were thrown out of the nest? The quote above refers to what adult birds do to their children when they recognize it is time for them to learn to fly. How do they know they're ready? They know. And the baby birds are always able to fly? Nope. It's kind of crazy. Nature documentaries capture these moments where you see the baby birds flap and sputter and bonk their way to the ground. Are they okay? I guess. Are they terrified? How can't they be? And eventually they learn to fly. For most parents, the last thing you want to see is your child afraid. It is your parental instinct to protect them from danger. So when they're afraid, it makes sense that we want to rush in, scoop them up, and get them to safety, all the while probably whispering things to them like, you're okay, you're fine. There's nothing to be afraid of. There's nothing to be afraid of. Maybe that is one of our first mistakes as parents, and then it seeps into coaching, teaching, managing. A coach telling a group of 12-year-old kids getting ready to battle against another group of 12-year-olds twice their size before a football game, there's nothing to be afraid of, is a lie. A teacher telling the students there's nothing to be afraid of before the final exam. is a lie. The boss telling your company there's nothing to be afraid of after another round of layoffs is a lie. As parents, when we invalidate the fears of our children based on our discomfort of their fear, we lay the groundwork for that child that, one, your fear is not valid, and two, being afraid is bad. And if that is the message that is received when it comes to dealing with our fears, We are not going to deal with them at all. We'll try to ignore them. We'll bury them. We'll shame ourselves for even feeling them. Instead, we'll just pretend we don't have them. Like the buffalo that runs at the storm, just replace the storm with fear. When we run at our fears, we move through them. We face them. We confront them. We accept them and work with them. But if you play the role of cattle, you ignore them, hide from them, avoid them, or run in the opposite direction. In the process of denial, the fear becomes a more powerful obstacle. But what if we didn't pretend? Recently, I went through a coaching program with another executive coach I highly respect. It is always deeply helpful to be coached by someone else because they always help reveal new blind spots or gifts about myself. And this time it was a gift. He was telling me the impact I have on others when I am in the room, and especially when I am coaching others. He said that I bring a lightness to the situation from his perspective, knowing that I am someone who works with professional athletes and other executives who work and live in high-pressure environments. He said, I imagine your clients walk away feeling lighter about their problems. As I listened to him, his words resonated more and more. That is why I try to do— excuse me, that is what I try to do when I coach people or teams. The lightness he refers to can show up in many ways, such as empathy, laughter, joy, perspective, and humility. I try to give people an opportunity to laugh at themselves, see the humor in the hurt and find light in the darkness. About 20 years ago, during a seminal leadership coaching course I was immersed in, we were invited to give ourselves a spiritual name that really embodied our essence. After days of sitting and seeing what came to the surface, and while dealing with some very uncomfortable physical pain from an accident, the name that crystallized and still holds true today Is laughing yes. This was many years before the creation of my company Live Yes And, but at that time, improvisation and the concept of yes were very important to me. To me, laughter breaks the tension of difficult situations. It frees us up to not take ourselves so seriously despite the heaviness of our reality. And yes, it all about acceptance, resilience, and progress. It's that radical acceptance with reality that propels us forward. So when I'm working with someone, it's hard for me to not smile and laugh a little as they bare their soul. And often in the laughter are— excuse me— and often in the laughter are shared tears between the two of us. There's beauty in confronting and talking through our pain That is so courageous, yet most people don't see it that way while they're sharing. They're still caught in the sadness, frustration, or shame. It's the sharing and asking for help that is the real work. It's where the healing and progress begin. It's where we break the shell of shame and open up to insights and inspiration. It's the first step of courage. When we stop pretending that we're not afraid, hurt, envious, mad, jealous, ashamed, nervous, hesitant, confused, unsure, doubtful, skeptical, ignored, inadequate, or incomplete, and we just allow ourselves to feel those emotions without hiding or repressing them, only then are we able to make progress. For years, my dad would announce to the whole family that he wasn't afraid of anything. It was a family joke because we frequently saw his fears on display. And it's not like any of us thought less of him for being afraid, but he wasn't able to admit it to himself. He grew up as a man's man in the 1950s and carried himself with a bravado that seemed to be an effort to convince himself instead of others. In fact, his nickname in the family was BA, which meant badass. We used it comedically, but he loved it. In recent years, my brother and I have been able to point out to him that being nervous, anxious, and stressed about things is very much connected to fear, and that's okay. Little by little, he's starting to pretend less But I don't think he'll ever get rid of the BA moniker. I remember sitting with different national team players while at the World Cup and hearing how they felt playing on the biggest stage in the world. I already shared the example earlier about the player facing his fear of possibly never playing a World Cup game again. As a result, we talked through what the fear was connected to, and he left the meeting prepared to face and move through it. And he did. And for each of the players in that locker room and every other locker room in the World Cup, fear was present. To pretend that it's not would be ridiculous. Asking someone if they are afraid is the wrong question. The correct question based on the situation is simply, what are you afraid of? It's a matter of fact. It's neutral. Going back to the examples at the beginning of the chapter, the football coach should absolutely acknowledge the fears players are feeling before the game. The teacher doesn't need to minimize the importance of the exam. The boss should recognize the obvious distrust and feeling of uncertainty amongst the employees. Pointing out fear doesn't make it more real. It actually makes it less scary. Because when the leader in the room calls out what everyone is feeling, It builds collective empathy and connection. Instead of being the person sitting in the room thinking you are the only one afraid, it's brought out in the open to reveal you're not alone. There is nothing that kills trust within a team more than when the leader refuses to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Call it out and deal with it. By asking someone, what are you afraid of? It brings the hidden to the surface. Even if their initial response is, I'm not afraid, you can ask them, is there anything you are anxious about, unsure of, or concerned with? Or, if you were to be afraid of something, what would it be? Sometimes you need to be creative and patient. By calling out the fear, you can now focus on actions and behaviors to deal with the situation. The wizard behind the curtain is not as scary when he's out in the open, and fear is the same. Once exposed, it loses a lot of its power. Left to our imagination, fear kept inside will always grow bigger and scarier. But like a child who sees scary shadows in their room, turning on the light tends to reveal the harmless culprit. What are you afraid of? Most of our fears can be whittled down to a few basic things. There's the fear of death or physical harm, fear of not having enough or being able to provide for our family, the fear of seeing a loved one, especially a child, struggle, fear of not being good enough, the fear of being alone or not loved, and the fear of insignificance. What are you afraid of? When it comes to your career, what is the fear? When it comes to your marriage and family, what is your fear? When it comes to how you think about yourself, what are you afraid of? It's okay. The fear is there. If you are willing to pull on that string, you'll find that it's probably attached to one of the fears above. Think of the number of parents who try to snowplow all the obstacles from their child's experience. It makes sense because it's painful to watch your child struggle. Why are so many parents attached to their children getting Division 1 scholarships? Might they feel their child's success reflects their own significance? Again, I get it. For me, I often feel myself getting sucked into negativity or self-loathing while comparing myself to others. How did they book that event? Dang, it looks like they're speaking every week. I'm sure not. Why didn't anyone else wanna publish my book? Hey, by the way, thank you Amazon for the self-publishing option. Love you. My fear of significance and providing for my family is never too far from the surface. At Limitless Minds, we do an exercise where we invite people to name their internal radio station. You know that internal radio station that's always present no matter how well we do? And there's a good chance that voice has been present for most of your life. You can't escape it. It's always there. For me, my radio station is essentially, you're not special, or you're not exceptional. It's always kind of been there, whether it was sports, school, improvisation, or being in a room of people. I never felt that my intelligence or ability stood out. It's weird. When I'm on stage, I'm super confident and comfortable. It's a place where I feel at home. But once I am off the stage, I kind of feel like a fraud. And it doesn't matter how many things I've accomplished, the voice doesn't go away. When I sit and reflect and think about my self-worth and ability, I feel very self-assured in my value. Yet that little voice always wants to creep in. You sure about that, Travis? Take a minute. Can you find that message or radio station that consistently shows up for you? What is it? Side note here, as I've been doing this more and more, I've been calling this negative radio station kind of like your kryptonite belief. Why? Because it weakens us. It deflates us. All right, back to the book. Okay, now I'm going to do the world's most unimpressive magic trick. I can guess what your radio station or kryptonite belief is in 2 guesses. So the language might not be exact, but it's one of these 2 messages. All right, before I do this, you need to make sure you have what your negative story is. Remember, mine is Travis, you're not exceptional, or Travis, you're not special. All right. Your belief is one of two things. It's either a version of I'm not good enough, or two, I'm not doing enough. Was I right? I'm confident I am. I've done this exercise with hundreds of leaders over the years, and it always boils down to those two messages. Even my radio station of you're not exceptional is just I'm not good enough. It always comes down to these 2. Think about that for a second. All of us has this negative radio station in our heads that won't go away. Bob Mowatt, Trevor Mowatt's father, used to call it stinking thinking. We all have it, and it's essentially the same message for each of us. Again, it means there's nothing wrong with us. It's normal and unoriginal. The problem isn't in the fear. It's in ignoring it. Even worse, it's thinking there is something wrong with us for having it. I like to think of it this way. If we can't get rid of the voice, the last thing we want to do is let it drive the car. Don't let it get behind the wheel. We don't even want it in the front seat. Instead, let's get it in the back seat, strap it in the kid's seat, or better yet, lock it in the trunk. It'll still be there. It'll just be a little muffled and In my work, it is hard to work with someone if they are unwilling to acknowledge that voice. In coaching, I want to know from my client what they really want. What is it they want to achieve? Where do they want to go? What is the life they want to live? When we have an idea of what that vision looks like, we now need to look at the obstacles getting in the way. And by obstacles, I mean the things that are keeping you from achieving that vision. I mean fear. Coaching is very complex, but knowing that we are essentially just dealing with fear is simple. How we deal with the fear is the hard part. That is where the courage comes in. Simple, but not easy. Let's go back to the difference between being confident and courageous. One is a feeling while the other involves action. The courageous person accepts that fear is normal and then redirects their focus into their actions and behaviors. You can be confident and courageous at the same time. You can be aware of your doubts and fears and still believe in your ability to perform at a high level. The problem is when we think we can't be courageous unless we feel confident. In many ways, confidence often follows courage. Think back to the first roller coaster you braved as a child. I'm guessing there wasn't— Excuse me. I'm guessing there was a bit of terror and not much confidence during that first ride. Yet after the thrill of facing your fear and completing your first ride, confidence rushes in and screams, let's do it again! I bet the fear was still there with the second ride, but the courage gave you a little more confidence. I feel that much of the mental health awakening we are having in society right now is due to countless brave individuals courageous enough to expose their vulnerabilities in the public. In doing so, they give permission to others to come forward and share their fears, doubts, and insecurities. They are showing us how normal and okay it is to have these feelings, facing them head-on, asking for help, while at the same time moving forward. Forward. Forward. That's the direction the buffalo takes towards the storm. Forward. That's the progress we make every time we demonstrate courage. Stuck. That's the direction of ignoring your fears. Stuck. It's the place that we stay when we pretend we're not afraid. Be honest, be courageous, stop pretending. So what are you afraid of? Here are your Chapter 12 reflection questions. Number 1, think of an important aspect of your life and ask yourself, what am I afraid of? 2, can you identify what your fear is attached to? Probably an outcome. And number 3, what is one courageous step you can take to face your fear? All right, awesome. That concludes chapter 12. I'll see you soon with chapter 13.