Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 15 "The Yes, And of Feelings"

Confidence is Overrated. Informally read by its author, me, Travis Thomas. Hello, everyone. Chapter 15, The Yes and of Feelings. Quote, you have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength. End quote. Marcus Aurelius. Can you feel it? We are at the beginning of a mental health awakening. More and more brave leaders and athletes are coming forward and being open, honest, and vulnerable about their mental health, because that's what it is— mental health, mental wellness. Just as in sports, it's mental toughness and mental resilience. Athletes are speaking up and speaking out. Players are, are opening up about their thoughts, emotions, and vulnerabilities. A few years back, NBA player Kevin Love detailed a panic attack he experienced during a game. Today, he openly talks about his mental health and working with a therapist. Simone Biles drew global attention when she withdrew from the team final in the Tokyo Olympics because of mental health reasons. In an interview after the Olympics, Biles commented, we also have to focus on ourselves because at the end of the day, we're human too. She continued, "We have to protect our mind and our body rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do." In 2021, Naomi Osaka stepped away from tennis without knowing when she would be back. After finding herself at the top of the tennis world, she fell into a rut. In tears after withdrawing from the French Open, Osaka shared to the press, "When I win." I don't feel happy. I feel more a relief. And then when I lose, I feel very sad. And I don't think that's normal. These are professional athletes at the top of their game, at the top of their profession. These are athletes who have climbed and conquered their sports and exhibited the mental strength and fortitude to succeed at the highest level. And yet they still struggle. And despite all the support and love these athletes received for their honesty and tough decisions, they also received loads of criticism and judgment. She's soft, mentally weak. He can't handle the pressure. He's not a man. You're a professional athlete making millions of dollars. How bad can it be? Suck it up and just do it. This is also the feedback they receive. They're vilified for being weak and soft and accused of being selfish for making their health and safety a priority. Yet how much courage must it take to step away from the thing that you love while putting your vulnerabilities on display for the world to see and judge? That is courage. As I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter, this is the beginning of a mental health awakening. As a society, we are becoming better at talking about mental health and offering compassion and grace when someone needs support. Schools, teams, and organizations are getting better at providing counselors, therapists, resources, and tools. We have a long way to go, but we are no longer sweeping mental health under the rug or simply telling someone to toughen up. Okay, many people still are, but progress is being made. We are learning that resilience, like all muscles and skills, is learned and developed. Angela Duckworth's book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance has taught us how to nurture fortitude and discipline, how to embrace challenges and thrive through adversity. Like anything, it requires effort, intention, and continuous growth. We are becoming more understanding and considerate in validating how others feel. People are becoming more comfortable advocating for themselves. Creating boundaries and voicing their perspective. And as this is happening, it is causing society to shift. This is where we are right now. We're still in the shift. We're still figuring out how to respect each other's feelings while still holding each other accountable for what needs to be done. And yes, I will tell you right now, none of this is black and white, but rather a whole lot of gray. I've been in environments where mental health is treated like a sick day. Someone struggling mentally and needing a break can do so by using their allotted sick days. Once they've used all their days, the rest are considered unpaid leave. As a result, just as when someone is physically sick, employees often push themselves to go to work despite not being well. Conversely, I've been in organizations where employees or students can claim as many mental health days as they need. No questions asked, no repercussions. Odds are you've also experienced, experienced this gray area as we adjust to this new reality. It's a messy situation, but a mess we need to go through to find the best solutions for everyone. As soon as you think you can apply a one-size-fits-all mentality or policy to every situation, it doesn't work. Like I said, it's messy. Here's what I mean. How would you respond in these scenarios? You're the boss of a company. One of your valued employees calls you every month or so to tell you they won't be coming into work because they're mentally not— because, because they're mentally feeling a little off. They've already used all their PTO for the year and don't feel this should count as PTO time. What do you do? Another situation. You're a high school teacher and have noticed an increase in students requesting extra time on exams or extending due dates on assignments because of feeling stressed or mentally fatigued. How do you handle this? Another situation. Your son is the captain of his high school football team. In the weeks leading up to the playoffs, he has seemed more anxious and stressed than usual. He's voiced this to you but doesn't want to say anything to his coach because he's afraid his coach will think he can't handle the pressure. As his parent, what do you suggest he do? And lastly— oh, I'm sorry, another one. You're the coach of a soccer club team. You want to develop resilience and courage in your team, but one of your best players struggles with nerves and anxiety, causing them to miss practices before games. Your policy is that players who miss training before a game won't be allowed to start the game. The parent of the player thinks that this is unfair and that his child is being punished for dealing with mental health issues. Do you stick to your team rule? And lastly, you have a child who loves hockey, and you can see her full potential. She doesn't want to put in extra time, so your wife creates a rule that your child can't do other activities until she has put in more practice. She resists the extra training, but your wife knows this is the way to teach her toughness and discipline. From your perspective, your child looks less and less happy playing the sport. But you don't want to undercut your spouse. How do you resolve this? If we were to take any of these scenarios and drill them and drill into the details, context, and nuance of each situation, we could debate solutions for hours. And in the end, there would not be one clear-cut correct answer. There can't be. The best we could do is find the best approach for that specific case. But that doesn't mean the same approach would work in a similar situation. We're humans. We're complex. As I said, this is messy. Yet despite the mess, I believe there are approaches we can take to find the best yes-and solution to any situation, as unique and different as they may be. I call this chapter the Yes-And of Feelings because for 14 chapters I've been preaching that focusing on our feelings is counterproductive to building courage. I fear that I have given feelings a bad rap. And I don't mean to. Your feelings are important. They're like the fishing bobber floating on the water surface, giving you a glimpse of what is happening beneath the surface. They're the alarm. They're the thermometer. Our feelings are the indicators of what is happening in our thoughts, consciously and unconsciously. Our feelings are not the issue, though. Feelings are connected to thoughts. We feel the way we feel based on what we are thinking. That is why, when working with athletes, I want them to focus on behaviors and actions instead of their feelings and thoughts. If someone tells me they are afraid to play the game because the other team is big and intimidating, that is a valid point. It's valid because it's their feelings. I can try to convince them otherwise, but now I am invalidating their feelings. Instead, I can listen empathically to their feelings and thoughts to better understand their perspective. Is there a fear connected to getting hurt? Have they been injured before in a similar situation? By being empathic, compassionate, and curious, I'll be able to understand more deeply the root of their thoughts. As I listen and hear their perspective, I am giving them permission to be honest and vulnerable. Now, instead of trying to convince them otherwise, we can discuss a plan of action for moving forward. That's key. It's called a plan of action, not a plan of feeling. By listening and validating their feelings, they will most likely feel heard and valued. They will feel safer. Even though they may be hesitant and nervous, they are likely to be more open to finding solutions. When I was working with the soccer player who didn't like the physicality of the game, I didn't try to convince him that his feelings were wrong. I listened to understand and then validated his feelings. Instead of telling him to ignore his feelings or that he should probably quit soccer, we came up with a yes-and solution. The yes-and solution was this: yes, I totally understand you are nervous and afraid of getting hurt when it comes to trying to challenge for tackles. And what would it look like to be a little more physical in your next game? Instead of trying to be confident, what would it look like to be courageous? And instead of thinking about your feelings, what if you tried to win 2 tackles in the first half? I know you're a little nervous, but let's see if we can just focus on challenging for 2 tackles. Approaching this from a yes-and perspective is looking at the situation with third-way thinking. We tend to think there are only 2 options when there are often many more possibilities. When someone is dealing or struggling with their feelings or emotions, our goal should not be to convince them to think or feel differently. Instead of trying to change their feelings, we give them permission to accept them and still find a way to move forward. Again, we are not forcing someone to do something they aren't comfortable with, but we are working with them to find a solution, to take the next right step. This is what it means to inspire courage instead of trying to force confidence. With every little step of courage, the path to success becomes more possible. Your feelings are important, and they do serve a purpose. They are valid, and they point to what is really going on under the surface. We can accept them, acknowledge them, and be with them, and yet still take action at the same time. Let's keep moving. Here are your chapter 15 reflection questions. There's 2 of them. Number 1, pick one of the scenarios mentioned in this chapter. If you applied a yes and approach to it, what kind of solution might you find? Question 2, is there a feeling you have that is preventing you from taking action? How might applying yes and to it Allow you to take action. That ends chapter 15. We will see you at chapter 16.