Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 17 "Confidence is Overrated" & Shout-Outs

Confidence is Overrated by me, Travis Thomas, an informal reading by the author. This is chapter 17, the final chapter, and then I'll do shoutouts at the end of the chapter as well. Here we go. Chapter 17, Confidence is Overrated. Quote, suppressing stressful experiences doesn't build resilience. it drains resolve. The best way to cope with distress isn't to ignore it, it's to acknowledge it. End quote. Adam Grant. The title of the book feels like a good way to end it. For 16 chapters, I've tried to build a case for why I believe confidence is overrated, and I think I've done a pretty good job. I hope you agree. My goal was not to turn confidence into a bad thing or the enemy. I just wanted to show that when it comes to our performance and our ability to do hard things, it isn't a predictor and shouldn't be the priority of our primary focus. If you have it, great. And if you don't, that's okay too. During the time that I've been writing this book, I've been, I've been workshopping the ideas and testing them with all the teams and players I work with. The reception has been more than encouraging. And the title of the book, it always raises a few eyebrows and provokes more questions. Mission accomplished. I was presenting to the McNeese State women's soccer team when one of the players asked if belief and confidence are the same thing. She told me that she isn't always confident, but she tends to have a lot of self-belief. I think the two are different. Again, confidence is the feeling that things are going to go well. Belief is the feeling that success and improvement is possible. We believe in our abilities even if we are not confident in the result. This is an, an important distinction. Without belief, there is no courage. Even if we're afraid, there must be enough belief that growth is possible. So what builds belief? Habits and routines build belief. Putting in the work builds belief. Competence builds belief. I said competence, not confidence. And of course, courage builds belief. It's a loop. Courage, action, belief. Courage, action, belief. And on it goes. Call that CAB. C-A-B. Side note, after I wrote the book and finished it and published it, this idea of belief and confidence has really come into focus even more. I was working with 2 different professional athletes in the span of a week, and after talking about their upcoming professional season, both of them at the end of the call asked, hey, I'm not feeling super confident right now. Can you help me? And I kind of chuckled. I'm like, you haven't read the new book yet, have you? And so I said, listen, okay, so you're, you're, you're not confident going into, you know, your, your, your training. And they're like, yeah, I'm just not super confident. I said, okay, have you done all the offseason work? And they're like, absolutely. I said, do you believe in your ability? 100%. Do you believe that you've done all the right things? He said, 100%. I said, if you show up at training and the coach says, listen, I want you to do this differently, or I want to move you to this position, do you believe in your ability to do it? And he was like, 100%. Both of them. I was like, so why do you need confidence? They told me that they had the belief. They just weren't feeling confident. Confidence as a feeling. Belief is deeper. Belief is based on evidence. Belief is based on, I've done the work, I've done what I can, can do. Now go out there and commit. Belief and commitment over confidence. That's what allows us to have courage. Back to the book. This is why our role as parents, coaches, teachers, and leaders is so important. Our job is not to give people confidence. Our job is to help them build their belief in themselves. It is giving them the feeling that someone believes in them, sees their potential, and is willing to support them and have their back. Just as I sat down to write this chapter, I got a message from a college player I work with. All last season, he struggled with his confidence and would spiral negatively very easily. In the offseason, he asked for help, and we talked through many of the ideas in this book. In his first game of the new season, he scored the game-winning goal against a high-caliber team. He was named man of the match. Before the game, I pulled him aside, slapped him on his chest, and told him, there is no time for negative behavior tonight. Just keep focusing on the next moment, the next moment, the next moment. You've got all the tools and the ability. Be relentless. The day after the game, I sent him a congratulations text and reminded him to just keep focusing on the next moment. He responded back, thank you for believing in me. Belief. V plus E equals belief. Encouragement builds belief. As I reflect on my own life, 50-plus years now, noting the different people who gave me belief at various times, it is humbling to think about how powerful their words and actions of encouragement were to carry me through many difficult times. My mother, an angel, made me feel I could do anything. Why won't you be on Saturday Night Live, Travis? You're just as talented. Biased to the core, she gave me encouragement and contributed to my self-belief. My father, who passed away in the fall, deserves his own book and is a bigger character and personality than I've ever worked with, as well as completely flawed. He also contributed to my self-belief. So much so that I learned to not actually believe his praise. Because belief without evidence eventually falls short. But, but all of that to say, I often joke that my sad childhood story is that my parents loved me too much and didn't allow me to fail or flounder. It took me longer to embrace and learn grit and perseverance, but I never felt a shortage of love. My older brother, though he ignored me my first 18 years, Has been a rock of compassion and belief in my pursuits ever since, and my best friend. My wife, who has endured me for nearly 30 years, has been a constant reminder and symbol of belief as the two of us have journeyed a path less traveled. Raising 3 kids in a very unconditional and financially uncertain way has never been easy, but the belief she has in us has never wavered. I've had friends, colleagues, and coworkers who have been amazing influences over the years and given me a boost of belief when I've needed it most. You just never know how a smile or a few words of encouragement can shift someone's day and change the course of their life. When I look back at my childhood, at a period of my development when I was most influenced, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the perfectly timed impact of my brother-in-law, Dave. Before he was my brother-in-law, he was just the guy dating my older sister, who also wanted nothing to do with me. Do we see a trend here? My oldest sister is nearly 10 years older than me, and when I was young, she decided to go to boarding school away from home. One summer before her senior year of high school, she came home with a boyfriend. It was Dave. I was the youngest in the family, and for an entire summer, I had a new playmate. Remember, my actual brother didn't pay attention to me. Sorry, Tiger. So 8-year-old me felt like I hit the jackpot. Dave was this super athlete who played every sport, was competitive, yet also hilarious. I would gather up all my neighborhood friends and we would play sports in the yard and from street— from sunup to sundown. And Dave was there coaching, teaching, and playing with us every game. My dad brought him to be our— my dad brought him on to be our assistant baseball coach, where he helped me and every kid on the team. We taught him how to play soccer. He taught us how to play basketball. And when it was time to cool off in the pool, we would gang up on him and try to take him down, but it never worked. Dave was amazing, and he was the first one to instill toughness in me, even though I didn't feel I had it. He'd call me out for being spoiled or acting like a whiner. He'd console me when I got hurt and then encourage me to keep going. For what feels like the next 6 years, Dave would live at our house in the summer, work a summer job, and be my personal coach. He played 3 sports in college, so his summer was also filled with playing to stay in shape and working out every day. He is the one who introduced me to weights, even though I was intimidated. And still struggle. The first time I ran longer than a mile was running with Dave as he trained for football. He was constantly nudging me outside my comfort zone, not with confidence, but with love and belief. Dave eventually married my sister and lived in town through my freshman year of high school before he and my sister moved to Kansas City. By that time, the impact he had on my self-image had done enough. He supported and guided me through those years where I was fearful and most vulnerable. It's no surprise he went on to own his own coaching business, and combined with coaching years of high school sports, there are probably thousands of kids who were recipients of his inspiration and belief. I really wanted to share the influence Dave had on me because most of us have been greatly impacted by someone in our life. who saw potential in us we didn't see in ourselves. And most importantly, if you are reading this book, you now can be that person to someone in your life. This is what I think about as a— excuse me, this is what I think about as I parent my own kids and am conscious of the words I use, my behavior, and how I'm either helping or hurting them with my actions. It's the reason I am so inspired to work with so many youth, college, and professional athletes, company leaders, parents, and audiences that are forced to listen to what I have to say. I hope I'm helping even a percentage of a sliver. That would be enough. Writing this book and sharing the ideas has reinforced my belief that this message is greatly needed. I can see the relief in people when they realize there is nothing wrong with them. for having negative thoughts or not feeling confident. I sense their ease that they no longer need to keep swallowing the poison twice or once, and instead feel permission to be kind and compassionate with themselves. It's like spending years looking around on the floor for the last puzzle piece that is missing, only to stand up, look at the puzzle, and realize that it is already complete. So yes, confidence is overrated. Courage is not. Whether you are looking at a storm that is coming your way or helping a child or team find the strength to approach their adversity head-on, we can always keep coming back to the question, how can I be courageous today? Run at the storm. You got this. All right, that ends chapter 17. Here are your 3 reflection questions. Number 1, think of someone in your life who gave you the gift of belief when you were younger. How did they impact your life? 2, think of someone in your life right now who you have the ability to impact positively as a leader. What can you do to boost their self-belief? 3, how can you be courageous today? All right, that concludes chapter 17 and the book. Real quick, you don't have to keep listening, but here are some shoutouts of people I need to thank in writing Confidence Is Overrated. Sure, most books call them acknowledgments. But this feels a little more genuine to who I am. So let's go. I'm sitting and looking at her right now as I write this, my wife Hollister. She's the engine that runs this family and the fuel that keeps me going on purpose. I'm not a romantic, but she is simply the best. Not only has she carried the family on her back through all of our crazy moves, but she has also done so— but she has also done so usually while holding down a job herself. A major shout out to her work with the Euphrates Institute because she gets to travel the world sharing her passion and purpose with so many peacebuilders. Thank you to Trinity, Holland, and Shepherd for allowing me to be your parent and write about your lives. It's so fun to see the adults you are becoming and refreshing to see we didn't screw you up too badly. We did our best. Special thank you to Justin for writing the foreword for this book. You've been a great friend and mentor in this line of work, and I'm eternally grateful for the time you took for your crazy— from your crazy schedule to add your inspiration. Thank you to Joe and Carrie Karoo, 2 of my closest friends, more like family, for showing up at the perfect time to help me with this book and my business. I couldn't think of 2 better people to entrust with helping to grow the Live Yes And message. Thank you so much for believing in me. Thank you, Brian, for being one of my best friends for over 30 years. You live large and love larger. Thank you for sharing your inspiration about ultra running. Shout out to Jason Wicker for teaching me how to manage and perform through fear. The message has never left. Thank you, Gregg Berhalter, for taking a chance on me and bringing me into the national team inner circle. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and I got to witness firsthand what transformational leadership looks like in action on a global stage. Thank you to Kevin Kalish at St. Louis University Soccer for trusting me to help grow one of the best cultures in college soccer. Thank you to all the coaches I've worked with over the years and all the lessons they have taught me. And to you, Marty Beal, keep fighting, my friend. To all the athletes and individuals I have worked with, it is a special feeling to witness your greatness, authenticity, and vulnerability. It is what I love most about this work, being able to create deep relationships that foster transformation. There is nothing better. Thank you to DJ, Harry, Russ, and David at Limitless Minds for believing in me and allowing me to share my message with so many organizations. And thank you to the entire LM crew. You don't need to be sick to get better. Lastly, this is just to make my kids angry, but a big thank you to Mako. He's been at my side and feet for the past 9 years and snuggled next to me while writing this book. He's the bestest of the bestest. Thanks, everyone. If you want to know more about me, go to my website, liveyesand.com, or message me @liveyesand. Keep running at the storm. Keep being courageous.