Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 3 "You Don't Need More Confidence"

Confidence Is Overrated, an informal reading by the author Travis Thomas. That's me. Chapter 3, You Don't Need More Confidence. Quote, I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Nelson Mandela. Do you have a big work project that you need to crush? It's okay to be— it's okay to be nervous. Are you making a big shift in life and are anxious it won't work out? That seems reasonable. Does your child get stressed before a big test at school or before a sporting event? Totally fine. There's nothing wrong with them. Once parents hear that I'm a performance coach who was on the national team and that I work regularly with professional athletes, They want to know if I can help their child. Help them with what? Their confidence. I ask, why do you want them to be more confident? What do you mean? Why do you want your child to be more confident? Is something wrong? That's what's wrong. Their confidence. A lack of confidence isn't a problem. It's a feeling. Yeah, but I want them to be more confident so that they play better. Those are 2 different things. What do you mean? Confidence is a feeling. How they play is their performance. They can be connected, but they are not the same thing. They're not? Okay. Has your child ever played a game and they were really confident before the game, yet they ended up not playing great? Sure, that's happened. Has your child ever had a game and they were really nervous, afraid, or anxious before the game, but but they ended up doing great? Yeah, for sure. So if that is the case, and this is true for everyone, how you feel is not a predictor of how you are going to play. Say that again. This comes from my good friend Trevor Moawad, one of the best mental coaches ever. He would remind you that your feelings don't predict your performance. Let me say that one more time. Feelings don't predict performance. But I want my child to feel more confident. Of course you do. If I gave you the choice to feel nervous or confident, which would you choose? Confidence. Me too. Whenever I ask this question in front of teams at the youth, college, or professional level, every hand goes up. It's unanimous. If given the choice, we would all choose confidence over nervousness. Why? Because it feels better. Confidence makes you feel powerful, strong, and unstoppable. Say to yourself right now, I am confident, and odds are you sat up a little straighter. But when you're nervous, we feel weak, unsure, doubtful. Say to yourself right now, I'm so nervous, and your shoulders and head drop. When we're nervous, we are often thinking about all the bad things that could happen. We shrink. When we are confident, we are excited. We're thinking about all the success we're going to have. Either way, the problem is not in— excuse me— either way, the problem is not in the feeling. It's in the thinking. It was Shakespeare who wrote, nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. How we feel is connected to what we are thinking about. This is why our thoughts are so powerful. How many of you start your day reflecting on gratitude and all the good in your life? In fact, do it right now. Think about three things from yesterday you are grateful for. They can be big or small, but just think about them. It's not that hard, is it? Now, for the next fifteen seconds, close your eyes and just sit with the feeling of those thoughts. Go. All right, time. You didn't think I was gonna do that, did you? Open your eyes. How do you feel? Odds are you feel better. Not only did you get a mental boost, but your body gets a shot of dopamine and serotonin. Gratitude is linked to a stronger immune system, better blood pressure and cardiac functioning, less aches and pains, better sleep, and a longer lifespan. Better sleep, deeper empathy, and healthier relationships. Now, the opposite is also true. I'm not going to ask you to close your eyes and think of the negative things from yesterday because I know what will happen. You'll feel worse. The science isn't exact, but we know that a negative thought is more powerful than a positive thought. And we know that a negative thought verbalized is exponentially more powerful than a negative thought kept inside. And when I say more powerful, I mean more powerful towards the negative. In other words, powerfully working against you. This was the reasoning Trevor Moawad used when working for the University of Alabama's football team under Nick Saban. They first started by coaching the team to become less negative. Preaching positivity felt inauthentic, but if they could just get the guys to become less negative, they knew that would start to move the needle. And it did. The impact of this shift was so powerful that Trevor kept pulling on that thread, and it eventually evolved into his definition of neutral thinking. I highly recommend you read Trevor's 2 books, It Takes What It Takes and Getting to Neutral. According to Trevor, neutral thinking is looking at a situation based on the facts without letting our opinions, judgments, and grading impact our response. Whenever I am teaching Neutral Thinking for Limitless Minds, I take time to stress that it is actually impossible to not have opinions, judgments, and grading. We're humans, what we do. No matter what happens to you, you have a thought, feeling, and emotional response to it. That is normal and okay. Neutral thinking is recognizing and noticing our thoughts and emotions, and instead of acting from that mindset, We allow ourselves to pause, get clear, and then respond. We'll discuss this more in later chapters, but it's important to reiterate that our thoughts, feelings, and emotions are completely normal. We just don't always want them to drive our actions. It sounds simple. It is. It's just not easy. Limitless Minds is the company Trevor co-founded with Russell Wilson, Harrison Wilson, and DJ Eidson to spread the power and effectiveness of neutral thinking to companies and corporate athletes all over the world. As one of Trevor's friends and a fellow performance coach, I'm honored to have been part of Limitless Minds since its inception. And after Trevor's tragic loss to cancer in 2021, I feel energized to carry the torch and help transform lives as one of their head coaches. Neutral thinking is not only a game changer, it's a life changer. I still remember sitting with Trevor in the Varsity Diner in Athens, Georgia, way back in 2017, where he described to me the meaning of neutral thinking. Kirby Smart was beginning his second season as the University of Georgia's football coach after leaving as defensive coordinator at Alabama. Kirby and Trevor worked together at Alabama, and Kirby wanted Trevor to bring his mindset training to the Bulldogs. The mindset training for the program would be based on neutral thinking. During this time, Trevor had been using me to share my philosophy of yes, and improvisational thinking to his clients and teams. Now he had me in Athens to speak to the staff and team about how the two are connected. For the next 3 seasons, Trevor would bring me in at different times to work with players and coaches to reinforce what he was teaching. Neutral thinking and a yes, and mindset fit together like a glove. My first book, 3 Words for Getting Unstuck: Live Yes, And, details exactly what I mean by a yes, and mindset. Here is the quick refresher. Yes, and is the basis of improvisation. I found improvisational theater in the late 1990s. After graduating from the Improv Asylum Training Center, I performed as a cast member in their theater for 4 years. And when I moved to Florida in 2003, I co-founded the Jove Comedy, With Frank Licari and Jesse Fuhrman. Yeah, we're old, but we're still performing together after all these years. When I shifted professionally into personal development, life coaching, executive coaching, performance coaching, and speaking, as well as leadership and mindset training, improvisation was an integral component of my unique philosophy and training. The principles and mindset of improvisation were so transformational in my life I knew they could have a positive impact on others. Improvisation is built on the principle of yes, and. It is the art of creating a story without a script, without planning, and relying on the trust, spontaneity, and collaboration of the performers. Yes, and becomes the tool to create clear, cohesive, and hopefully entertaining scene. As the story begins and unfolds, the performers work from the agreed-upon construct that no matter what another performer says, the other performers will receive the idea and respond using Yes, And. This doesn't mean they will verbally say Yes, And out loud, though they often do, but they adhere to the spirit of what Yes, And represents. Here's a quick breakdown. Yes is acceptance of the idea. As a performer, whatever one of my scene partners says to me will be accepted as true for that scene. Whether I like the idea or not, I agree to accept it. It is now part of our made-up reality. Yes affirms their idea as true. And is the response. Whatever my partner says to me, my and response collaborates and advances the idea forward. For example, for example, Actor 1: I can't believe we finally made it to Madrid. Yes, and we better quickly get to the stadium. Yes, and you look remarkably calm for someone competing in their first bullfight. Yes, and I have been training nonstop for the last 6 months. Yes, and now you can finally avenge the death of your brother. Yes, and that bull will pay for what he did. You get the idea. The 2 performers don't know where the story is going. They don't own it. They don't control it. They have lots of influence, but they don't control it. So their real job is to stay in the moment, listen to their partner, and just keep saying yes, and to every new idea, because every new idea creates a new reality. They are building from the previous ideas, accepting each of them as truth, and working to keep the story moving forward. Again, they don't need to like the ideas their partner is giving them, but by adhering to the yes, and construct, the story continues to progress and advance collaboratively. The beauty is in the collaboration. By having to relinquish control and surrender to the uncertainty, All you are left with is the creativity that comes with being in radical collaboration with reality. Radical collaboration with reality. That is Yes, And. If neutral thinking is the ability to look at every situation based on the facts, gain a sense of clarity, and then choose the next right step, a Yes, And mindset is a present-moment framework For accepting your new reality as quickly as possible and then choosing to collaborate with it. That is where your power is. Do you see the application and relevance that Yes, And has off the stage and in your life? Do you see how neutral thinking and Yes, And is a perfect combination for adaptability, problem solving, and resilience? Think back to the early months of 2020 when the world was throttled with the COVID-19 pandemic. Everyone in the world was impacted in one way or another, many in tragic ways. I had just completed a successful 2019 year as a speaker and was finally feeling like my work was finding its groove. Work as a freelance speaker is uncertain, but I was starting to see the consistency I was striving for. I had also just completed my first month with the U.S. National Soccer Team, and the schedule ahead was exciting and full. As those days in March unfolded and the world began to quickly shut down, all that remained was fear and uncertainty. My daughter was on a school trip in South Africa, and we were so grateful that her group was able to get one of the last flights back to the U.S. Thankfully, we were all able to quarantine together, but no one knew what was ahead and for how long. Like millions, if not billions of people, my work changed overnight. As a speaker, my livelihood is based on the ability to travel. Not anymore. Speak to large audiences. Nope. Or do workshops with sports teams and corporate groups in intimate settings. Yeah, right. And the occasional improv show in a theater. Not happening. Screech! That's my sound of a record scratching. Yeah, it doesn't work so well in the audio. That's the sound of my career coming to a stop. I applied for whatever PPA loans or small business help I qualified for, but there wasn't much. Fortunately, my wife's remote peacebuilding work continued somewhat seamlessly because there's always a need for peace. Her income allowed us to stay afloat, but for how long? My work was based on being able to travel with people in person. Yes, this was my new reality. And how am I going to collaborate with it? Hey Travis, how do you feel? There are those feelings again. How did I feel? Mad, confused, scared, nervous, anxious, cynical. While at the same time there were feelings of hope, joy, gratitude, peace, surrender, and even optimism. They were all there, often present at the same time. One minute I might be thinking that I'll never speak on a stage again. And in the next instant, feeling gratitude for this unexpected time with my wife and kids that we will probably never have again. How was that experience for you? Can you relate? Again, I didn't like that this was the new reality, but it was, it was happening. It was real. It was here. It was impacting everyone and everything. How I feel about it doesn't really matter. My feelings weren't solving any problems. In fact, my feelings only made it worse. My feelings got in the way. The times when I found peace is when I allowed myself to come back to the present moment and ask myself, what can I do now? Literally now at this moment, like most of the rest of the world, I brushed up on my Zoom skills quickly. A few of the companies I had done work for reached out about offering some virtual presentations. A lot of these were pro bono and a way to show different organizations that we were supporting them during this tough time. But the virtual work started to grow. With everyone at home adapting to this new reality, companies wanted us to provide virtual team and mindset sessions. It didn't pay much, but it was something. During this time, a college I had done some teaching for reached out to see if I was interested in teaching one of their classes virtually. Yes, of course I was interested. It was something. With the national team, my contract was based on the time I spent with the team in person. In March of 2020, we had no idea when sports would be back. So Greg Berhalter, the head coach, figured out a way to get me monthly— to get me a monthly stipend for the work I was doing for the team virtually. It wasn't a lot, but it was something. Bit by bit, day by day, Moment by moment, we did the best with what we had. As the world slowly came out of that pandemic and things began to open back up, travel returned, in-person events became a thing again, and we just kept responding to the new reality of the moment. It was never about controlling the outcome, but rather responding as effectively and purposefully as possible in each moment. If neutral, if neutral thinking felt like a theory before the pandemic, now it was a crucial mindset for navigating this global uncertainty. I thought 20-plus years of being an improviser and teaching others how to live yes, and had prepared me for anything. And then the pandemic comes along and says, how are you going to say yes, and to this? And that is exactly what my family and I did. Just like the billions of other people on the planet, each in our own ways. We adapted, pivoted, experimented, kept tweaking, learning, and evolving. We kept saying yes, and to every new reality, and we survived. It was the ultimate training ground for neutral thinking in action. And my feelings, right? My feelings. This chapter was about confidence. Rather, this chapter is about reframing the importance we put on confidence. Confidence is a feeling. Feelings don't take actions. They have a ton of influence on our actions, but they are not the drivers. Our thinking is the driver of our actions and behaviors. If I think about my feelings and only focus on my feelings, I will stay stuck. When I think about the outcome and then the actions and behaviors required to influence, to influence that outcome, Now I can take action. Keeping my focus on the actions and behaviors propels me towards the desired outcome. Along that path, there will often be confidence, maybe, but there will also be fear, doubt, sadness, pain, and every other emotion that makes us human. As we say at Limitless Minds, action is the antidote. And what is needed to inspire action? Confidence? No, courage. Not fearlessness, courage. The lack of confidence represents a courageous opportunity. How awesome is that? So if you, a child, or anyone you work with is wondering what is wrong with them for not feeling confident, rest assured you and they are normal. You have found yourself engaged in something that means something to you. It's important. You feel the pressure, and that pressure is a privilege. Notice your feelings. Feel your feelings. But you don't need to be your feelings. You are not your feelings. Now allow yourself to shift to neutral. Find clarity with the actions needed for this opportunity. Now go for it. Yes, and your action has created a new reality. Now what? Assess your new situation, shift to neutral, and yes, and the next moment. Stay in this mindset. Keep moving forward, getting neutral, and embracing each moment, and something amazing might begin to happen. If you're lucky, you might even begin to feel Confident. And if you don't, that's okay too. Keep going. Your performance is in the present. Embrace it. Here are your Chapter 3 reflection questions. There's 3 of them. Hmm. Number 1, is there an area of your life you are lacking in confidence right now? If so, what negative outcomes are you projecting? Number 2, can you identify 2 to 3 actions or behaviors that would allow you to be successful and effective? Can you find a way to focus on those actions and behaviors today? 3, close your eyes for the next 60 seconds and just think of the good in your life. If you need to focus on feelings, focus on those. That concludes chapter 3. I'll see you soon for chapter 4.