Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 4 "Cut the Strings"

Confidence Is Overrated by Travis Thomas. This is an informal audio reading by me, Travis Thomas, the author. Chapter 4, Cut the Strings. Surrender to what is. Say yes to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. We need to talk tonight. I knew what this was about. I could only imagine the anger and frustration he was feeling knowing he wasn't going to start the next day. This is the World Cup. This is what you've been training for your entire life, and it can be gone in an instant. That night after dinner, the two of us slid into a breakout room for privacy. You know I'm not starting tomorrow. Yes, I'm really pissed right now. I bet you are. Listen, you need to help me get my head right because I need to be a good teammate tomorrow. But right now, I am too mad to think straight. It was one of the most honest and unselfish things a player had ever told me. Here we were, the night before one of the biggest games on the planet, and this player had just found out he is not starting in the game. And his focus immediately shifts to what he needs to do to be a good teammate. If we look at this situation through the neutral thinking yes, and lens from the last chapter, this is a perfect example of someone being overwhelmed with their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and judgments. He has just been given horrible news, so of course he is experiencing all these negative feelings. Yet he still has the awareness to ask for help because he wants to respond effectively and show up as a dependable and supportive leader. Instead of letting his emotions and feelings run wild, he's keeping them in check until he can shift his focus and energy. He's trying to get neutral. As a mindset coach, my job is not to convince someone that everything's going to be okay, because maybe it won't. My goal isn't to inspire them to see the silver lining. My role is to help them and support them with without. Let me try that again. My role is to help and support them without needing to fix or save them. My job is to care about them, and if I truly care about them, and I do, all I need to do is listen, understand, and encourage. In this situation with this player, I simply said. Tell me what you're feeling. Of course, I have a pretty good idea what he's feeling, and this is an opportunity to cut right to the emotions and thoughts. There is no point considering the necessary next steps of action until we have opened the valve to let the raw feelings out. A little side note here, Simon Sinek talks about you need to let people empty the bucket, right? Empty the bucket of all the feelings and emotions that they're feeling. Back to the book. How am I feeling? I'm mad. I think he's making the wrong choice. I know I'm the right guy for the job. Did he tell you why he's making the switch? Yeah, I was there when the decision was made. Do you agree? You know, my opinions when it comes to the technical and tactical side don't mean a whole lot. Besides, whether I agree or not really doesn't matter. Do you think I can change his mind anyway? Lots of silence. What else is there? What other thoughts underneath this? More silence. This could be it. I might never play in another World Cup game again. What if I've already played my last game? More silence. Yeah. It's so frustrating and scary when we don't know what is going to happen. I worked so hard to get here, and it might be over. The conversation went on for about 20 minutes. I just listened. I care about this guy a lot. I could feel the hurt, fear, and frustration he was sharing. He knew asking to meet with me wasn't about me changing Greg's— the head coach's— decision. We had built up a relationship over time where he knew he was safe. He could be open and vulnerable, and I would listen. We really dove into the uncertainty of the situation. His fear of what might be was preventing him from being able to bring his full attention and intention to the present moment, his new reality. We talked about his journey and the path it took for him to be in that room in the first place. And we laughed. The improbability of events that transpired the year leading up to the tournament alone was enough to break the tension in the room. The fact that he was in this situation on the team, a leader, and fighting for playing time didn't even seem possible a year previous. The more we talked about how he has handled uncertainty his whole career, the more his mood changed. This was no different. He— here he was again in another situation outside of his control, and he has a choice of how he is going to respond. We had gotten to neutral. We were now in the present moment collaborating with his new reality. No one was going to change the facts of his situation. It was real and it was happening. He was not starting in the game the next day, and there was a real chance he had already played his last World Cup match. He could either argue with his reality or work with it. He chose to work with it. Coaches, parents, teachers, managers, leaders, friends, this is really important. This is crucial. We got to a point where he was ready to move forward. He was, he was ready. I didn't force him there. For the first 20 minutes, I just listened with empathy and asked compassionate clarifying questions. Once we got to the neutral space of acceptance and started problem-solving how he wanted to show up the next day for his teammates, that only took about 5 minutes. The real work was in those 20 minutes. That is where the resistance to reality and the attachment to a specific outcome was preventing progress. I wasn't controlling the conversation. I was creating a space that encouraged movement through empathy, compassion, and belief. The belief came from what I knew about the player, as well as his own self-belief. This was a guy who had demonstrated resilience his whole career and showed the strength and courage to meet the moment. I let him know how much I believed in him because he had proven it over and over again. The empathy and compassion naturally showed up because I genuinely cared, and if I could support him as he worked through his feelings and emotions, chances were good he would move through them more quickly and effectively. Getting to that space with someone is not rocket science, but it does require a few things. Number 1, genuine care. If you genuinely care about the person you are working with, They will— let me try that one again. Number 1, genuine care. If you genuinely don't care about the person you're working with, they will not open up and be vulnerable. Number 2, humility. It's not about you and your magic gifts. It's about them. You're there to hold the space that allows for growth and transformation. But the experience is about them, not you. And number 3, time. You cannot force it. Sometimes it takes a long time for all the air to squeeze out of the balloon. If you are impatient or trying to speed things up, they'll most likely clam up and the opportunity will be missed. This is such a challenge in our day-to-day lives because most of us are insanely busy. Don't mistake busy for always meaning that we're doing important work. It means that we have so much going on that we don't have the time to be fully present and available for ourselves and others. The truth is, we are being presented with numerous moments each day to connect more deeply with people, but we often miss them because we're too busy. That is why this is so crucial. If you don't make time for the people you lead, coach, and care about most, You will never tap into the opportunities to really go deeper and support someone through their fears and uncertainties. Too much of our days are spent in transactional interactions, not relational, and definitely not transformational. The busyness of the day keeps us moving from one thing to the next, and we are pros at checking tasks off of our to-do list. We might be super productive in getting things done, But true transformational relationships require time and availability. If you are never available because you don't have the time, your real effectiveness as a leader will stay surface level. Real transformational relationships require time. This is true in your marriage, as a parent, at work, as a coach, and being a good friend. It's true for every relationship that is important to you. And every team you are a part of. As for the player at the World Cup, not only did he show up the next day as an energized and selfless leader putting his needs of his teammates first, he ended up subbing into the game and having a huge impact on the result. In this case, things worked out. But the outcome aside, it was about this player putting himself in the best possible position to be successful Regardless of what happened, he focused his actions and behaviors on helping his teammates get ready while at the same time being mentally prepared to step up if needed. Although he couldn't control how the events unfolded, he made sure he was ready if the opportunity came. In a lot of ways, it's like being a firefighter. As a firefighter, you don't know when the alarm bell is going to ring. You know it's coming, It's just a matter of time, but you can't plan when and how it's going to happen. Your job is to be prepared. It means having the trucks and all your equipment prepped and ready to go. It means that you are taking care of yourself mentally and physically so that you can perform at a high level. And it means nurturing the relationships with the other team members you rely on. Your time, energy, and focus Are on being able to respond most effectively to the uncertainty. It is not about control. And we love control. This chapter is called Cut the Strings, and the need for control is definitely a string we need to cut. When we surrender the need for control, we have peace. When people hear that word surrender, it often gets a bad rap. They picture surrender as laying down your weapon in defeat, waving the white flag and giving up, or helplessly being walked over. Yes, those are types of surrender, but this kind of surrender is different. This is a surrender that is powerful and expands our ability. Why? Because it means we are letting go of trying to control something outside of our power. It is the wisdom to know better and to refocus our energy, time, and effort to actions that will influence the results we seek. This kind of control is not about giving up at all. It's a full commitment to the only thing we can control, and that is how we are responding to the current moment. Though we can never control the outcome, our focus, properly channeled, gives us tremendous influence over the result. That is the sweet spot of our power, knowing the difference between what we can control and what we can influence. When you really think about all the things you can control, the list is small. Go, uh, go for it right now. What would you list? What would it look like? How long would it be? Yeah, take a minute. Think about all the things that you can control. You got it? Is it a long list? I don't think it's a long list. Here's my list of things I can control: my attitude, my effort, my response. Pretty short list. Do you disagree? Do you have other things I've missed? I mean, you can argue with me if you want. Often people will tell me that we can control our thoughts. Really? We do? I don't. For someone who's never dabbled in drugs, I can't explain the origin of some of the bat crazy things that pop into my head. How in the world do I control those? But I control how I respond to those random, confusing, and often concerning thoughts. Have you ever stood on top of a tall building or the edge of the Grand Canyon? I still can remember that. And some of the darkest and scariest thoughts rush through your head. What if I jumped right now? Wait, why am I thinking this? No, I don't control those thoughts, but I control how I respond. I control what I do with those thoughts. I control my actions. Is there anything else I missed that you feel we control? In my first book that came out in 2016, I'm pretty sure I tried to make a case for the difference between control and influence. At the time, I had no idea that we were a few years away from the whole world being confronted with the same global event that none of us could control. If you think we had any type of real control before the global pandemic, how did that go for you? But influence, influence is where it's at. Make a list of all the things in your life you influence. Here's my list of things that I can influence. Everything. We influence everything. It would be too long of a list, but it's true. We have influence over everything, though our influence varies based on who we are, our role, proximity, relationship to the situation, skin in the game, etc. I do not control the choices my kids make, but I have a lot of influence. When it comes to the national election, I have much less influence and absolutely no control. My wife has persistently and lovingly helped improve me for over 28 years, and she sadly realizes every day how little control she has. But she has lots of influence and patience. Sorry, Hollister. The difference between a control mindset and an influence mindset is massive. When we try to control, we are so convinced that our perspective is the correct perspective, it blocks us from seeing any other possibilities. We would be open to another perspective because clearly we— excuse me, why would we be open to another perspective? Because clearly we know the way. When we are controlling, we are inflexible, rigid, and willful. We When I let go of control and shift into influence, my starting point is that I might not know everything or have all the answers. Think about that. I'm genuinely interested in what other people think and have to say. I respect and value their opinions and perspectives and am actively looking for ways to collaborate with them. Instead of standing on my almighty soapbox, I'm showing up with curiosity and asking questions. And yes, I'm still madly— I'm still madly guilty of this myself. My kids have a name for it. Whenever I'm waxing poetic as the expert, my kids will announce that Dad is in professor mode, or they will thank me for my TED Talk. Neither one of those are compliments. What if I slipped into student mode instead of being the professor? In meetings and discussions, what if I recognize the levels of expertise in the room, not limited in my head? In student mode, I am still fully committed to getting the job done and meeting our goals, and I realize the best way to do it is by tapping into the collective genius in the room. Love that. And because this is all yes and, What am I building with my team and each of those relationships as I look to collaborate? What am I building? Trust, respect, and value. The pillars of psychological safety. The more I show up with curiosity and humility, the better I am received. I remember years ago being stuck at a job where I didn't see eye to eye with my boss and every meeting felt contentious. We just flatly disagreed on the best way of doing things, and as the first year of my work went on, I became more resentful, cynical, and apathetic. Nothing changed until I changed. Before beginning year 2, I knew something had to shift. I couldn't control him, but I could control how I showed up. Instead of discounting his expertise, I found a way to humble myself and acknowledge that he did have a background of credibility in this field. Could I honor that, and instead of competing with every decision, look for ways to support and collaborate with his ideas? If it would improve my peace, it was worth a shot. As my perspective shifted away from competition into collaboration mode, he seemed to change. Our relationship became harmonious. I felt like he valued me more. I felt like he valued me more, listened, and actively sought my opinions. By the end of the second year, he saw me as a trusted ally, and I was. So many years later, he is still someone I admire and respect tremendously. But who changed, him or me? Once I stopped trying to control the relationship, I became more flexible. I can only imagine the negativity he felt from me meeting after meeting in year one. Once the negativity was gone and I showed up as a teammate and problem solver, he let his defenses down. Without trying to control, my influence grew. I felt better, he felt better, and both of our lives improved as a result. I could no more control my boss. as the player at the World Cup could control the coach. When we accept our current reality and can look at it neutrally, our goal is not to control the outcome, but focus on the influence of our response. Our response has a ton of influence because it is confronting the facts of the moment. When we think about courage, all the fear is contained in a possible outcome we can't control. The more we focus on needing to control the result, the greater the fear. When we demonstrate courage, the best way to do so is by surrendering. Courage and surrender? Yes! The discomfort we feel from an outcome we can't control gives us the opportunity for courage. Surrendering the need to control allows us to act without being tethered to the result. We are fully committing to the present moment, striving for the result we seek, and at peace with the reality that we might not get. But instead of getting paralyzed with that possibility, we return to the moment and deal with the reality of what is, no longer controlling the outcome, but having tremendous influence. This is when we are at our best. We have cut the stifling strings of control in favor of the empowering freedom of influence. And as we cut more of those controlling strings, we become more free. Here are your chapter 4 reflection questions. There's 3 of them. Number 1. Do you remember a time when you felt paralyzed over a situation you were trying to control? What happened? What is something in your life right now where you need to let go of control and shift to influence? How might this shift your behaviors? Think of how you are showing up in some of your relationships. Do you need to be the professor, or do you need to be the student? There you go. That's chapter 4. Enjoy those reflection questions, and I will see you all soon with chapter 5.