Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 6 "Stimulus and Response"

Confidence is Overrated by Travis Thomas. This is an informal reading. I am the author, Travis Thomas. Chapter 6, Stimulus and Response. Quote, between stimulus and response, there's a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor Frankl. The Frankl quote above is one of my all-time favorites. I've used that quote in sessions probably more than any other quote. It so perfectly represents the space of clarity when describing neutral thinking. Frankl died in 1997, long before the concept of neutral thinking had been established. Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust and went on to author over 90 books, His autobiography, Man's Search for Meaning, is a must-read. If he never did any other work in his inspiring career, his quote above would be enough to bless the world. Let's dig in. Between stimulus and response. Those 4 words describe our whole life. Each day we wake up and go about our day. Most of the things that happen to us throughout the day Don't elicit an emotional disruption until the event is unexpected. Now, it can be unexpectedly good, to which we respond with some level of excitement and joy. But the real power of this quote and concept is when something unexpectedly bad occurs. That is a stimulus. It could be as simple as stubbing your toe, getting stuck in traffic, spilling coffee on your work, finding out your child is failing geometry. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Or having a flight delayed. In the grand spectrum of stimulus, these are pretty small. Life can throw bigger stimuli at us as well: getting fired, receiving a scary medical diagnosis, being in a car accident, ending a relationship, a financial crisis, or losing a loved one. These kinds of events dramatically impact your life. If you've lived long enough, you will have experienced most of the above. They're painful, brutal, and tragic. And yet they are a normal part of our lives. Whether big or small, all these unexpected events represent the stimulus in our lives. And from that stimulus comes our response. You throw a tennis ball against the wall and it comes back at you. The stimulus is the ball hitting the wall and the response is the ball bouncing back at you. Or you're on the highway merging lanes when a car swerves in front of you, forcing you to slam on the brakes. Yet they blare their horn at you and flip you the middle finger. In your anger, you immediately speed up and try to catch them. The stimulus is them cutting you off. The response is you speeding up to catch them. Yet Frankl writes that in between the stimulus and response, there is a space. What is this space he's referring to? The tennis ball doesn't have a consciousness, nor does the wall, so there doesn't seem to be space there. But with you in the car choosing to speed up to catch the other driver, is there space there? Yes, it is the neutral thinking space, the yes-and space of awareness and clarity. In that space, Frankl says, is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. In that space is our power to choose our response. The tennis ball might not be able to choose how it responds to the wall, but you have a choice how you respond to the wild driver on the road. You have the power to choose how you respond to your stubbed toe, delayed flight, failed marriage, stock market collapse, global pandemic, and passing of your mom. Sometimes the space Frankl refers to is a split second in the heat of the moment, while sometimes it's a day-to-day, moment-to-moment process of having to keep choosing over and over how to respond to a stimulus that hasn't gone away. In the past 8 years since writing my first book, I've dealt with scary trips to the hospital, financial struggle, and tragically losing family members. And then on top of that, we all experienced the global pandemic. For all these events, I relied on family, friends, and faith to get through them. None of us would want to have to deal with any of these challenges, but But we don't have to— but we don't get to choose what happens to us. But as Frankl reminds us, we get to choose our response. Feeling like we have power to choose our response doesn't feel real comforting when your world is crumbling around you. But Frankl doesn't say we control the outcome. We only get to choose our response. He says, in our response lies our growth, and our freedom. Growth and freedom. If I look back at the last 8 years, do I feel growth? Yes, perhaps too much. Growth is a tricky thing. My rate of growth is almost directly connected to the amount of discomfort I'm able to endure. It goes back to the discomfort tolerance from the earlier chapter. So if I look back at the last 8 years and all the struggle, pain, and discomfort I was forced to confront, and deal with, the result is a whole lot of growth. The difficult challenges responsible for the adversity provided the opportunity to assess the space in between, the space where we notice our feelings, emotions, and chaos around us and get to choose what we do with it. Now, when I'm confronted with pressure situations, I'm more prepared and equipped to tap into the space Between. There's been lots of growth. And do I feel freedom? Freedom is an interesting word. Freedom from what? Freedom from pain and hurt? No. Freedom from disappointment or fear? No. The freedom I feel is part of the cutting of the strings of control we discussed earlier. By letting go of my attachments to outcomes or trying to control a result, I feel a greater freedom of being in the moment, embracing the current reality, and choosing my response. I have the freedom to keep choosing anger, resentment, and hopelessness, or the freedom to choose hope, joy, and forgiveness. The possibilities are endless, but the freedom of choice is all mine. Viktor Frankl articulated beautifully and powerfully That no matter how big and tragic the stimulus you are being confronted with may be, the key to peace and freedom lies in the space between. The space to choose. The space of yes, and. The space of neutral. This summer, while writing this book, here's a small example of how I let the stimulus get the best of me. I was sitting on the couch working, With my 24-ounce iced coffee at my feet and no lid. My wife rides me for not having a lid on my big drinks. She was in the kitchen sweeping and she didn't like how loud the TV was, so she asked me to turn it down. The remote was on the other side of the room and I was annoyed I had to get up. She wants to lower it, can't she get the remote herself? As I stood up, I kicked over my iced coffee. The first thing that popped in my head Was that they— that I had been— that I had a big told you so coming my way since I didn't have a lid on my drink. I was so mad at myself, I rushed into the kitchen to get towels, taking with me all of the negative self-talk happening in my head. The trash bin was in front of me and I kicked it. Yep, I kicked the trash bin. My wife looks at me and says, I'm so embarrassed for you right now. My 17-year-old son, who's had to listen to my words and work his entire life, leans into me and says, real neutral, Dad. Real neutral. In between stimulus and response, there is a space. The space allows us to get neutral. I wrongly decided to ignore the space. Sometimes when people hear the term neutral thinking and the concept of not giving power to our emotions, They mistakenly think that being neutral is about being passive, robotic, and carefree. Stoicism is a great parallel for neutral thinking, and it is often misunderstood as well. If you are unfamiliar with Stoicism, the closest idea you may have to it is describing someone as stoic. Picture someone you think is stoic. How do you picture them? Unfazed. Removed, unattached, perhaps cold, gruff, quiet, calculated. Someone who has been hurt before. One thing is for sure, we never associate committed and energetic with Stoicism. As a result, to call someone stoic, it usually means they are reserved, measured, and uncaring. Like Stoicism, neutral thinking is often misunderstood based on how the person handles themselves externally. Because they are focusing their energy internally on the space between, externally they appear to be in control, less erratic, which usually leads to appearing less emotional. When my mom passed away suddenly in 2017, it was tragic. The only saving grace was being able to be with her for her last 2 weeks, and though she was in a coma, I was able to say goodbye. The thing that surprised me most about that experience, and it still does today, is that I barely cried. I don't know why. My mom was and is an amazing person. I had a very close and wonderful relationship with her. There was no pain or baggage. I loved her dearly and deeply, but I wasn't emotional. I don't think I was trying to hold my emotions in or appear strong. Unconsciously, when things get really difficult, I tend to go internal. Through my spirituality and daily work and practice of mental skills, the more stressful things get, the less emotional I become. It's not a lack of caring, but to an outside observer, it could be perceived that way. Why? Because if I truly cared about my mom, then my external emotions would show it. If I am not upset, I must not care. There is no other place this kind of misunderstanding happens more than in sports. I have talked to coaches before who don't believe in stomping up and down the sidelines, screaming at referees, or yelling at their players, and how they are often labeled as not caring enough. Fans want to see their coaches living and dying with each play because clearly that means they really care. Right? Bobby Knight throwing a chair across the court is proof he cares, right? So legendary coach John Wooden, who often stayed in his chair the whole game and rarely lost his cool, must not have cared, right? All those national championships— he clearly didn't care. While finishing this book in 2024, right before the start of the men's basketball season, Tony Bennett retired as the head coach of the University of Virginia men's basketball team. In the 2018 NCAA basketball tournament, famously referred to as March Madness, the Virginia Cavaliers became the first number 1 seed to lose to a 16 seed. In the pantheon of greatest sports upsets of all time, this is near the top of the list. As I went back to refresh my memory of the details of this game, One of the first articles that popped in— that popped up is written by Pat Ford at Yahoo Sports with the headline, Historic Loss Shows Virginia Was Built to Fail in March. Pat built an impressive case of how Virginia's style of basketball cannot win come tournament time and went on to say this about head coach Tony Bennett at the time: A team cannot win at all this way. It cannot come close, but it can make the worst kind of March Madness history. The evidence spoke for itself. It's hard to argue with the facts. Except the very next season, with most of the same players, Virginia returned to the tournament once again as a number 1 seed and once again went down early to the number 16 seed. Except this time, Virginia rebounded to win the game And then the next 5 games to win the national championship. During their 6-game run, they trailed late in most of the games, yet still found a way to win. When asked after winning their Final Four game dramatically in overtime how they stay so composed under pressure, star point guard Kyle Guy responded, Coach always preaches us that calm is contagious. Calm is contagious. If you were to watch Coach Bennett on the sidelines during the game, it would be hard to know whether his team is winning or losing. What you will find is a calm, composed, and steady coach who appears to occupy a ton of real estate in the space between. And what do his players see when they look to the sidelines when the game is getting stressful and pressurized? A calm and composed coach. Calm is contagious. I would love to have spent time with the team from the end of the 2018 collapse through the triumph of the 2019 title. I can only imagine the frustration, darkness, and humility they dealt with on a day-to-day basis. No matter how well they did in the regular season, they would be judged based on their success in the tournament. For them, The stimulus they needed to respond to didn't go away that entire season. Every morning when they woke up, it was still there. So for an entire year, day in and day out, they needed to assess the space between where they could find the clarity and resolve to respond to the external pressure and the internal doubt. Leading and guiding the team was Coach Bennett. Again, watch him on the sidelines and there are no histrionics. There is no over-the-top screaming or stomping, nor threatening or intimidation. Does it mean he doesn't care? Of course not. What it means is that he understands the presence that is most going to allow his team to be successful. A typical basketball game will involve hundreds of decisions wrapped up in bad calls, mistakes, unlucky bounces, and responding to the opponent. If every moment creates an emotional outburst, what message does that send to the players? It always kills me when I hear coaches talk about the need for their players to have poise, control their emotions, and play with composure while they're flailing around on the sidelines riding an emotional roller coaster. Calm is contagious. In the 2016 NCAA Men's Championship game, Villanova met North Carolina for one of the greatest finals in the history of the tournament. Villanova coach Jay Wright, now retired, has a similar demeanor to Tony Bennett, always calm and composed on the sideline. All year he worked with his team to remain unfazed when bad things happen and to immediately focus on the next play. With seconds left in the game, North Carolina tied it up on a circus shot 3-pointer that sent the arena into a frenzy. Coach Wright called a timeout, and as his players came to the bench, they were already talking to one another, regrouping, and focused on the next play. There was no negativity, frustration, or bad body language. They had already moved on. In that moment, regardless of the result, Jay Wright felt that the game was a success. With the last possession and the game tied, Villanova inbounded the ball, passed it to the top of the arc, where Chris Jenkins nailed a 3-pointer to win the game. When you watch the replay, Jay is already walking towards center court to shake North Carolina coach Hubert Davis's hand as the shot drops in. With little to no emotion, watching his team complete the unthinkable, Jay modeled the exact behavior his team mirrored on the court. Calm is contagious. Focus on the next moment. In my 3 years' experience with the national team, I was amazed at the level of emotional maturity and control Gregg Berhalter possessed no matter the situation. Navigating the day-to-day demands of the job and the moment-to-moment pressure of your decisions being on display for the world Greg was unflappable. Was it a lack of caring? Of course not. No one cared more. But Greg understood what Frankl meant in finding the power and freedom to choose when you get to that space between. With Greg, he seemed to get excited whenever a problem got dropped in our lap. This is where real leadership was required most, and he thrived in those situations. During halftime, he was at, he was at his best. I remember being in Honduras for our 3rd game of the 2022 World Cup qualification. We had tied our first 2 games when most people assumed we would win them. So instead of having 6 points after 2 games, we only had 2. Now we had to go to a hostile environment in desperate need of 3 points. At halftime, we were losing 1-0. If you stop to think about it, as I caught myself doing on the sidelines, it was easy to get distracted and concerned with our dire situation. At halftime, the first thing Greg would do is meet with the coaches and discuss options and adjustments. This was a time for the players to get treatment, change uniforms, and talk amongst themselves. Then Greg would come in and address the team. On this occasion, Greg came in and you could tell the players were concerned. His demeanor and calmness immediately shifted the tone. His message was somewhere along the lines of, guys, we're fine. We knew this was going to be a tough match and we're up for it. He then communicated the formation shift we were making and the changes to the lineup. He was in total neutral mindset, focused on the objective Detailing the behaviors and actions needed to respond while expressing belief and trust in the team. He didn't flip over a table, throw water bottles, demean players, blame referees, or pretend everything was going to be okay. He dealt objectively with the facts and responded accordingly. The players and team responded, dominating the second half en route to a 4-1 victory. Calm is contagious. Tantrums are for toddlers. For the past 4 seasons, I have also been on staff for the Saint Louis University men's soccer team. Kevin Kalish is the coach. As a former player at SLU, Kevin knows the history importance of the program. There is a high standard to succeed and represent the program's rich history. Kevin cares a lot. He is a competitive and passionate coach who wants to win on the field and off the field as well. Emotions run high during games, but before addressing the team at halftime or after the game, Kevin finds a way to access the space between. It would be easy to barge into the locker room and let your emotions and frustrations run wild. Instead, Kevin relies on the thoughts and perspectives of his coaching staff to To give him a fuller picture. After taking in everyone's feedback and allowing himself to get calm and clear, he then carefully messages the— he carefully messages the team appropriately based on what is needed to adjust and motivate. In that space is where we have the power to choose our response. For each of us in our daily lives, we too can find that space between stimulus and response. In that space is where you'll find the power and freedom to choose. You choose you. It's where you tap into the values that make you uniquely you. It's where you connect with your authenticity and find alignment with your purpose. And it's in that space where you can choose courage. In the neutral space between is where you slide into the eye of the storm And notice all your thoughts, emotions, and feelings triggered by the stimulus. But since you are in the space between, instead of letting the emotions choose you, you get to choose them. With clarity, you can see the appropriate and effective next steps. And with courage, you respond. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor Frankl. The space between is where our growth is found. It's where we get clear and tap into our courage. And it's so important, it deserves another chapter. Before I get to the chapter 6 reflection, I just want a little side note. I'm still with the St. Louis University men's soccer team, and this past season we went to our first College Cup, our own college soccer Final Four, for the first time in 30 years. And as I mentioned about Coach Kalish, his ability to get neutral at halftime— in the 4 games it took us to get to the Final Four, we were losing 3 of those games at halftime, and Coach Kalish masterfully in each of those halftimes, came in and was able to shift and build belief and give solutions. It was the perfect, perfect example of what this chapter is all about. Here's your chapter 6 reflection questions. There's 2 of them. Number 1, think of the last time an event, a stimulus triggered a response from I butchered that. Let's go back. Question 1 again. Think of the last time an event, a stimulus, triggered a response from you where you let your emotions take control. What was the result? Question 2, when you are calm and collected and with clarity, what does that look like? What values or qualities do you focus on before responding? That's the end of chapter 6. We'll see you for chapter 7.