Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 7 "Joy in the In-Between"

Confidence Is Overrated by Travis Thomas in informal reading. I'm Travis Thomas. Hello, this is chapter 7, Joy in the In-Between. This is biasedly one of my favorite chapters, as was last chapter. If you haven't listened to chapters 1 through 6, they are already posted here on YouTube. Here we go. Chapter 7, Joy in the In-Between. Leap and the net will appear. That is an African proverb. Recently, my wife and I were in Florida for a wedding. We wandered into a local shop that my sister recommended to us, and hanging up on the wall was a giant banner that read, Find the Joy in the In-Between. What? My wife and I looked at each other and both agreed we needed that banner. Fortunately, they sold smaller ones the size of golf flags. It fits nicely on the wall in our bedroom. As the quote at the top of the page reads, my wife and I have been living by the mantra of leap and the net will appear for our whole marriage. I referenced it in my first book, and I've already mentioned it again in a previous chapter. It is our family mantra. It's at the heart of how we navigate our lives. For years, our kids had to pass a canvas painting in our stairwell with the message leap and the net will appear as they went up and down the stairs. I hope the message has sunk in. Once you leap, you have now entered the in-between. We just spent an entire chapter talking about the power of the space between based on Frankl's quote. But it requires a deeper exploration. The in-between. What a scary place to be. Most of us go our entire life trying to avoid the in-between or trying to spend as little time there as possible. But you can't. Life is just a series of endless in-betweens with the occasional sense of security and satisfaction. As soon as you arrive at your next goal or accomplishment, it's just a matter of time before you desire the next one. The journey of getting from one goal to the next is the in-between. Like I said, we spend our whole lives there. More and more, it seems like I am coaching people on the concept of embracing the in-between. I recently had a call with a professional soccer player I've been working with for a few years. When we spoke the previous month, he was struggling. He was having a hard time getting on the field, and when he did, He didn't feel the coaches believed in him. We talked about him controlling the things he can control, which didn't include his coaches. I introduced the concept of the in-between, and we talked about all the in-betweens he has already experienced in his life and career. There've been a lot. Instead of focusing on the destination, we talked about finding joy in where he was at that moment. His current in-between. Philosophically, he understood that as soon as he reached his next goal, there would be another challenge, and he would be right back in the in-between. It would be a different in-between, but an in-between nonetheless. So, the joy isn't in reaching a goal, but bringing joy to where you are. Here. Now. Weeks later, when he reached out to me and wanted to talk, I was surprised. Since our last call, he started playing more, cracked the starting lineup, and scored in the most recent match. When we got on the phone, he said, I always reach out when things aren't going well, but this time I wanted to connect because things are going great. I figured that good or bad, I can always get better. Of course, this reminded me of Trevor Mowatt's quote, you don't need to be sick to get better. When I asked him to tell me about the last month since our last call, he shared the different ways he was finding to ground himself mentally each day. He is—he and his teammate would walk to the ocean, meditate, and then share how they were thinking about things. Having someone who could relate to similar problems was super helpful, especially someone dealing with the same pressures. He then told me that the idea he had been thinking about most was. Finding Joy in the In-Between. He said that since our last call, he was focused on enjoying each day, appreciating his life and opportunity, and just embracing the moment. The in-between is scary because we become focused on a future outcome. There it is again, the past and the future. Our fear, stress, and anxiety are always connected to a past event. Or a future possibility. It doesn't mean there isn't fear in the present, but it is hard to be afraid when you're— when you are just focused on taking the next step, the next moment, the next opportunity. When we find ourselves in the in-between, it is easy to think there is no safety or stability, like flying on a trapeze without a net. Speaking of the trapeze, nearly 20 years ago at the beginning of my performance coaching training, I was introduced to The Parable of the Trapeze by Danaan Perry. I love this writing so much, I reached out to the publisher to ask permission to post, and they agreed. So thank you to www.earthstewards.com for the permission. Danon's words can be purchased on their site, and if anyone wants permission to use Danon's work, please contact them first. The Parable of the Trapeze was even turned into a spoken word song, but I'm not going to sing it for you. Instead, I'm posting it below. Enjoy. So here it is, the Parable of the Trapeze from Warriors of the Heart. By Danaan Perry. Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along, or for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars. Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze bar of the moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing, and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the answers. But every once in a while, as I'm merrily or even not so merrily swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty. And I know in that place in me that knows that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step. My growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts, I know that for me to grow, I must reel. I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one. Each time it happens to me, I hope— no, I pray that I won't have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time, I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto a new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurdles across the void of unknowing, I've always made it. I am each time afraid that I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between bars. I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow to keep hanging on to that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. So for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void Of the past is gone, the future is not yet here. It's called transition. I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched. I have noticed that in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a no-thing. A no-place between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between, is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible? No. What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can. but not necessarily accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives. So transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather giving ourselves permission to hang out in the transition between trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, Is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly. The end. You know, I probably could have saved you a lot of time reading this book and just had you read that parable a few times. The in-between transition. It's where we feel least secure yet most alive. And how much do I love this? So transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to hang out in the transition between trapezes. Permission to hang out in the transition is what we all need. It's not about making the fear go away. Permission granted. The goal is not to get through the in-between as quickly as possible. It's where we learn and grow the most. It's where we experience how to thrive in uncertainty. It's where we release that false sense of certainty and leap into courage. It is the only way to gain real confidence and experience. It's where we learn to trust ourselves and find That will to push on because we remember we've done it before. I think of a child who is learning to swim. They cling to the side of the pool and look to their parent floating beyond their reach. In between is the deep and scary unknown. At some point, they must let go of their safe harbor and leap across the void. For a moment, there is no parental hand grabbing and pulling them to safety. They're on their own. They reach nothing. They grasp, kicking their legs, stroking their arms. Finally, they arrive exhausted but relieved. They leapt into the unknown and survived. Courage led to confidence. Now what? It's time to do it again, but this time the distance has grown. It's time for the next in-between. My decision to step away from the national team after the 2022 World Cup wasn't easy. The opportunity was there to continue with the team. I love Greg, the staff, and the players, but it felt like it was time to let go of the trapeze bar and see what was next. Just as I had previously left and hoped the net would appear, I was letting go of the national team trapeze bar and trusting another bar would. was in the not-so-distant future. I am writing this book, so there must have been a net or bar. Letting go of your trapeze bar is not an intellectual activity. It comes from a feeling, a calling, a pit in your stomach, an itch that needs to be scratched. It rarely includes a mapped-out path or guaranteed destination. But once you find yourself letting go, you immediately feel yourself opening up And fully engaging in the life of the moment. You are in the in-between. You're alive. In the in-between space is freedom and fear. In that space where we spend most of our lives, if you can lift your head, smile. Express gratitude and embrace the unknown with joy. There's not a situation you won't be able to handle. This is the space professionals live in, and this— and this is the space where the best of them thrives. And in that space is your courage. You think I believe in this? All right, here are your Chapter 7 reflection questions. Number 1, can you think of a time when you thrived in uncertainty? What happened? Number 2, what does the in-between in your life look like right now? Number 3, how is this experience forcing you to grow? All right, there you have it. Chapter 7. I would apologize for getting choked up, but I'm not. We'll see you soon.