Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 8 "Surrender and Win"

Confidence is Overrated by Travis Thomas. I'm Travis Thomas. This is an informal reading, mistakes and all. This is chapter 8, Surrender and Win. Quote, take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step. End quote. Martin Luther King Jr. If you want to win, surrender. What, what are you talking about? Surrender and win? When you surrender, you quit, you lose. No, there is a difference between surrendering and quitting. Quitting is giving up. You see, players give up and quit in sports all the time. The game is out of hand. They are out there going through the motions, waiting for the inevitable. They are present in body but absent in spirit. During the pandemic, we were all introduced to the concept of quiet quitting. It's basically the same thing, but just at work. Sure, you still might be showing up, but the heart and engagement are gone. It has existed forever. It just became more prevalent as so many people felt disconnected in their work. Most of us can think back to our time in school and remember that one teacher who had given up years ago. But was still showing up to collect a paycheck. It happens everywhere. People quit on their marriages. They quit on their dreams. They quit on their happiness. They quit on their health. Surrendering is different. It is not quitting or giving up. Rather, it is releasing and letting go of the need and effort to control the outcome. As we've covered, our power is in the space between stimulus and response. Where we get to choose. Our power is in choosing our response, but not controlling the outcome. In fact, to truly maximize the power of our response, we need to surrender our attachment to the outcome. Attachment to the outcome? Hopefully I've done a good job explaining that the pursuit of control is fruitless, burdensome, and ineffective. In trying to control, we reduce our focus so narrowly that we block out new ideas. Information, and opportunities. We become stubborn and blinded by our own tunnel vision. By surrendering and relinquishing our unhealthy need for control, we allow ourselves to focus on building resilience and flexibility that can respond to the ever-changing reality of the situation. This is life. A few years back, I gave a talk to a group of university professionals on the importance and ability of letting go of control. After my talk, a woman came up and explained to me that she was indeed in control of her 3 children. In her opinion, her word was law. Whatever she decided, her kids followed. In her mind, she was in control. In that moment, it wasn't my job to argue with her reality, but I did try to gently counteroffer that what sometimes seems like control in the short term is exactly that— short term. As a father of 3 kids, all raised in the same household with the same parents, with the same values and norms, my wife and I learned very quickly the difference between control and influence. 3 children in the same environment and you get 3 different results. I can punish my child and take away their cell phone as punishment. I can set their bedtime, choose what school they go to, what activities they get to do, and it feels like control. But it's not. As a parent, you have power and authority to dictate much of your child's day and life, but it's still not control. At some point, whether it's when they are 10 years old, 16 years old, or 21 years old, they will be making their own choices. And no matter how strongly you've tried to control them, they'll be free and independent. So you can resist reality, or you can surrender. If you take a rubber band that is dried and crusty, what happens when you stretch it? It snaps. It's lost its vibrance and flexibility. It's lost its resilience. When we become rigid, stiff, and willful, we also lose our ability to respond to change and uncertainty. Control is rigid. Surrender is flexible. It's our attachment to a specific outcome or result that causes the problem. If we look deeper, we notice that our desire for control is always attached to a future something. That something might be an outcome or result we don't possess or haven't achieved yet— a destination, a status, a title, a trophy— or it might even be an attachment to the way things presently are. And not wanting them to change. The more we want and need it, the more constricted we become. Any fear, stress, or anxiety you are feeling in your life right now is connected to an attachment you have as an outcome, and you can't control it. These might show up as the health of a loved one, a promotion or advancement at work, The number of commas in your bank account, the right school for your child, a relationship you desire, the outcome of an election, and many, many more. Take a moment and think about it. Are you feeling anxious over anything? And if so, what outcome is it attached to? I'll do it for myself right now. As a professional speaker, my schedule is different every month. I might have a couple of keynote talks one month and feel great. Things and feel great about things only to have a few quiet months of crickets. Hello? Hello? Anyone there? I have a number in my head of what I need to survive and pay all the bills as well as grow and thrive. So when I'm looking at empty— when I'm looking at an empty or sparse calendar, I can feel myself sinking into stress and fear. Side note, as I record this right now, months after the book came out, It's been a crazy busy calendar, but right now I'm looking at a couple of those sparse months ahead of me. Yeah, it's still real. All right, back to the book. What is the cause of the stress and fear? Well, I'm thinking ahead to a possible future of my needs not being met. It's in the future. Right now I have what I need, but what if I don't book any more events in the coming months? I won't be able to pay my bills. We'll start to deplete our savings. Our kids won't have what they need. Maybe no one wants my message anymore. Maybe my career's taken a downward turn. I don't want to put a strain on my marriage. Maybe we'll need to move. I will have failed my family. I am a failure. Hold on. Kill the motor. Take a breath. Do you see how easy it is to catastrophize when we allow ourselves to detach and actually to attach to a specific outcome? In doing so, I give all my happiness and peace to something outside of my control. It's outside of me. I can't control it. As I spiral, I'm robbing myself of the joy and completeness of this moment. Right now, I have everything I need. I might not have everything I want, but I have everything I need. As I notice myself projecting everything that could go wrong and then trying to control how it all works out, I begin to feel the stress and tension in my body. I'm no longer effective with what I am doing because I'm living in a possible future that doesn't exist. I am disconnected. I need to stop this train of thought, but how? I need to surrender. I need to let go of how I need things to be and come back to the present moment of where things actually are. I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up, but I am letting go of control in favor of addressing the current moment. This is the most important place right here, right now. You see it all the time in sports. A team is locked in, playing amazingly, cruising, and then their attention shifts. Instead of staying in the moment and just playing the game, their attention shifts to the future. They're already thinking about the result. Instead of playing the game, they start playing the clock. They get tense. They start overthinking. They've lost their energy and focus. Before you know it, the game shifts. The other team responds and they lose. Big sidebar here, folks. As I'm recording this, it's 2026. The World Cup has just started and the NBA Finals are on. And what happened 2 nights ago? The San Antonio Spurs, up 29 points in the second half against the New York Knicks, lost the game. They got up huge, they started cruising, a little bit too comfortable, and then they got tight and it got tight and they made bad mistakes, bad choices, bad decisions, and they lose the game. We'll see what happens in the rest of the series. All right, back to the book. What changed? Yeah, their attention, their focus. When they were playing well, they were simply engaged with what they were doing. They were in the moment, play by play, focused on their actions and behaviors, not thinking about the past, not worrying about the future. They are focused on the only place where life is happening, which is the present moment. Right now, right now, then now, then now. It is natural for our thoughts to wander and get distracted. We're not robots, and we cannot stay mentally locked in for an entire game, match, test, or meeting. It's impossible. So our goal isn't to not get distracted, but to notice when we do get distracted and then get refocused as quickly as possible. Let me say that again. Distractions are normal. They're inevitable. We will get distracted. Don't worry about the fact that you will get distracted, and especially don't beat yourself up when you do. The goal is to notice it as quickly as possible and then know how to refocus back on the present moment. That is the game within the game. Surrender the fear of getting distracted. Now that we understand that we are most effective When we are focused on the present moment, we can create habits, routines, and strategies that help us get there. And most importantly, know how to get back there when we get distracted. Not if, but when. This is the fun part. There is no recipe or formula. There are proven methods that have worked for others, but the important thing is finding what works best for you. Meditation is a practice that improves mindfulness. Mindfulness is the ability to be fully engaged and alert in the present moment. When you are practicing meditation, you are encouraged to focus on your breath. Focus on your inhale, your exhale, and repeat. And when your thoughts wander and get distracted and you notice it, you just bring your attention back to your breath and you're refocused on the moment. It hit me recently why the breath is such a great tool for anchoring us in the present moment. Why? Because our breath is always in the present moment. It's in our body right here and now. It's always in the present moment. So when you get distracted and refocus on your breath, you are reconnecting with your breath in your body at this moment. It's the only place where life is happening— now. As I work with athletes or anyone who wants to be focused on a specific activity or task, I adapt the breath practice specific to their task. For instance, if I'm working with a soccer player, we will focus on 3 things. One, what are the 2 or 3 most important actions or behaviors you need to focus on during the game? What are the distractions that might get your attention? When you do get distracted, what will you use to refocus? For example, if I'm working with a tennis player, this might be how they answer those questions. The first one: What are the 2 or 3 most important actions or behaviors you need to focus on during this game? Answer: Play to my opponent's backhand, move him around the court, Get to the net. Again, the goal here is to focus on 2 to 3 specific actions or behaviors, not feelings or general ideas. Our focus isn't winning or not choking like last time. Those are past or future outcomes. We're not focusing on being confident because that is just a feeling or emotion. Feelings keep us in our head while actions keep us in the moment. Even something as general as be aggressive isn't as specific as get to the net. Play to my opponent's backhand, move him around the court, get to the net. That's specific. It gives me a focus during the point that drives my action. It's not outcome-based. It's right now. What are the distractions that might get your attention? They might include, this guy crushed me last time, there's a college scout at the match, It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too windy. My parents won't shut up. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm nervous. My serve stinks today. If I win this, I get to the final. The list goes on and on. Basically, any train of thought that takes you away from your intentional focus is a distraction. By setting our 2 to 3 focus objectives, we have a plan before and when we get distracted. We are going to get distracted dozens of times each match or whatever activity we're doing. Again, the goal is to notice we're distracted and then refocus as quickly as possible. Eckhart Tolle, author of many books including the transformative The Power of Now and A New Earth, once said, when you notice you are distracted, you are no longer distracted. I love that. When you notice is the important part. Without noticing we're distracted, we stay distracted. That is the beauty in all of this. Again, our goal isn't to not get distracted, but to notice it as quickly as possible so that we can refocus and go back to being effective. Going back to our tennis player, all those distracting thoughts are going to pop up during the match, and some of them on repeat. But if we know the difference between a distracting thought and an effective thought, it's going to be easier to notice the distracting thought when it shows up. But if we haven't identified the distracting thoughts ahead of time, it will be impossible to notice them and refocus. For the player, they begin focusing on the distracting thought, which ultimately leads to their demise. Novak Djokovic, arguably the greatest tennis player of all time, sat down with 60 Minutes for an interview in 2024. When asked about his mental focus, he admitted that he still has thoughts of doubt and worry during his matches. Think about that. The most accomplished player ever still deals with negativity and doubt. If he still has doubts, what hope do we have? That's the good news. It's a reminder that it applies to everyone, No matter how good you are. Most importantly, when he notices his doubts and negativity, he might have a quick outburst, but then he brings his attention and focus back to the present moment. The present moment, the only place where life is happening. Back to sports. One mistake, bad bounce, bad call, and the momentum of the competition changes. Even though the game continues to move forward, the player hasn't. Instead of letting go and staying in the moment, they get stuck in the past. Or as we discussed, they get— they have become fixated on the future and cannot get back to the present. Either way, the key is to surrender to what has happened or what could happen and come back to what is happening right now, this moment. Now. Now. Now. Now. You've noticed the distracting thought, so we come back to the 3rd step. Number 3: When you do get distracted, what will you use to refocus? Answer: Play to my opponent's backhand, move them around the court, get to the net. We come back to our original focus. It's a mental loop. A focus cycle. Start with knowing what to get focused on, get distracted, come back to what we need to focus on, repeat, repeat, repeat. During my 3 years with the national team, there are few players that I got to spend more time with than Matt Turner. Matt's rise to professional goalkeeper, to national team goalkeeper, to English Premier League goalkeeper is an amazing story. It's a story Matt continues to write. As with most goalkeepers, they recognize the importance of the mental aspect of the game. For me, I love talking with the keepers and just picking their brains about their mental approach. What tools and techniques work for them? How do they maintain and regain their focus? Goalkeepers have a bigger challenge than field players when it comes to mental focus. When the action is at their end of the field, it's easy to be locked in. They're in the back directing, communicating to the other 10 players in front of them, focused on every detail, making micro adjustments every time the ball moves. But, but when possession shifts and the ball is on the other end of the field, it's easier to let their guard down. In some games, a goalkeeper might go for long stretches of time without seeing any action. You'll see them yelling encouragement, bouncing, clapping their hands, doing everything they can to stay alert. Because in a split second, at any moment, they need to be able to switch on and be ready for a counterattack. So how do they stay focused? When I asked Matt what he does to stay focused, he told me that he gives himself an anchor word before every game. So for the 3 years I was there with the team, I would find Matt in the locker room before warmups and ask him what his word for the game was. For Matt, it was always different, and it was usually connected to what was going on in his life at that moment. Throughout the day leading up to the game, he would give it a lot of thought and see what word came to the surface. I remember one game during a crucial phase of World Cup qualifying. Matt was dealing with a little extra pressure in his life because of the magnitude of the game, as well as a lot of big things happening off the field. There was so much on the line, yet the distractions off the field felt equally important. Going into that next game, we talked beforehand and he told me his word for the game was gratitude. Interesting. I asked why. He said that all the things happening in his life right now are big and important and causing a lot of pressure, but they are all great opportunities. He wasn't in control of them and didn't know how they would turn out, but he was grateful to be in a position where they were possible. He then explained that he chose the word gratitude so that every time during the game when he noticed himself getting distracted or stressed with any of these thoughts, He would say to himself, gratitude, gratitude, and then he would bring his attention back to the present moment. Again, not if he gets distracted, but when. This is the process and tool that works for Matt. It gives him a way to look at each game with a fresh perspective and then to plan how he is going to refocus himself when he does get distracted. And it's perfect because it works for him. That's the key— finding what works for you. Shawn Johnson, another mainstay goalkeeper on the national team during those years, once told me that he picks an advertisement sign in the stadium during warm-ups of each match. Shawn chooses 2 to 3 things to focus on during each match, and every time during the game he sees the advertisement, he comes back to those 2 or 3 things. It's a mental trigger reminding him what to focus on. This is the process that works for him. Some players give themselves a mantra to repeat to themselves during the game. Others think of a person or inspiration in their life. I've seen players write words on their cleats, athletic tape, or even Sharpie markers to their wrists. It's not superstition. It's a process, a plan, a trigger for getting refocused. It's a mental process that helps us surrender, not quit. The process allows us to keep surrendering to all of the distractions that want us to try to control a situation— controlling the results on the field, controlling behaviors of other people, controlling the outcomes in our personal lives of endless things outside of our control. Instead, we surrender. We let go of the attachment to something outside of ourselves we feel is needed to fulfill us, and we come back to the present moment. Here, now, this moment. This is the only place life is happening. This is where I have power. This is where I have an impact and make a difference. I surrender what happened in the past, and I surrender to what might happen in the near and distant future. And I commit fully to now. That is courage in action, the courage to take the next step regardless of the result. Side note, in sports, a lot of times you'll hear a coach tell players, reset, you guys need to reset. Hey, relax, reset, reset. And it dawned on me. How often does a coach or a leader work with the team that they lead or the players they lead to actually set what they should be focused on? We can say reset, but it's no good resetting if I haven't set my intentions or behaviors ahead of time. Just like the snooze bar, I can't hit the snooze bar if I never set the alarm to go off in the first place. So we need to make sure we set Those intentions and behaviors so that we can reset to them when we get distracted. All right, here's your chapter 8 reflection questions. Number 1, can you identify 1 or 2 things you're trying to control in your life? I'm just asking for 1 or 2. And number 2, what would it look like to surrender control? Can you see an outcome you might be attached to? Well, that concludes chapter 8. I'll see y'all soon for chapter 9.