Confidence is Overrated: Chapter 9 "Want to be an Influencer?"

Confidence is overrated. An informal reading by the author. That's me, Travis Thomas. All right, chapter 9, Want to Be an Influencer? Quote, don't adapt to the energy in the room, influence the energy in the room, end quote. Unknown, not sure who said that. I've always loved the analogy of the difference between the thermo— let me try that again. That's why it's an informal reading. I've always loved the analogy of the difference between the thermometer and the thermostat. The thermometer is a measuring instrument that tells you the temperature. A thermostat is a regulating tool that sets the temperature. The thermometer has no power. It is helpless to its surroundings. The thermostat is powerful. It It sets and maintains the temperature in the room. It might be 92 degrees outside or -4 Fahrenheit, but that doesn't change the temperature of the room. The thermostat can't change the elements outside of its influence, but it doesn't let the outside elements impact its performance. It doesn't adapt to the energy in the room. It sets the energy in the room. Which do you tend to be? The thermometer or the thermostat? Courage is so difficult because it often means doing the thing that runs counter to what is happening around you. Speaking up is scary because it challenges the authority in the room. Standing up for what is right separates you from the safety of the pack, forcing you to leave your comfort zone and inviting criticism and anger from the other side. Courage is the feeling that rises inside of you When you realize that you are not okay with what is going on, instead of being a thermometer and just mirroring the energy in the room, courage inspires you to speak up or stand up because not doing so is no longer an option. Like I said at the beginning of the book, I don't see myself as a courageous person, but what I have done for the last 20-plus years is strive to be in alignment with my personal purpose and values. I haven't marched on the front lines of many protests, but I have tried to represent and be a vocal advocate for what I see to be morally and ethically right. Like the thermostat, I have found myself in rooms and positions to help regulate the energy in the environment when there's a lot of pressure and noise from the outside. Just like the AC unit that works overtime during the summer months, great leaders are able to maintain a thermostat mentality When outside pressure is at its greatest. There were many times during my years with the national team, but I want to— when I would wonder if I was doing enough, I would sit in the coach's room for hours, day after day, and often feel like I didn't have much to offer. Then unexpectedly, a situation would arise and Gregg Berhalter, the head coach, would be asking my opinion. I came to realize that even though I didn't feel I was doing enough, I had an important perspective that was needed and valued in the room. I look back to numerous situations leading up to and through the World Cup in 2022, where I felt my thoughts and ideas may have made an impact. I wish I could share more about a few of those, but that would be breaking some important trust. The reason I knew my perspective was important was because of the courage needed to share it. I remember on one occasion when the emotions in the room were high and I was put on the spot directly to share my opinion. I remember in that split second thinking and praying to myself, you're here to be honest. It would have been easy to just agree with the emotion in the room and avoid any confrontation and just be the thermometer. But I knew Greg respected my thoughts. And even though we weren't on the same page at that moment, he wanted to hear what I thought. It was a challenging but productive conversation as a group, and it helped us get to an effective conclusion. When I look back at my time with the team, that is the moment I'm personally most proud of. To extend the analogy of the thermostat further, the thermostat doesn't change the outside temperature. That's not its job. It can't control the weather, but internally it's in control. The same is true for us. There are so many outside factors that are constantly tempting us to engage with and try to control. When we do, we end up distracting ourselves, wasting time, expending energy, and averting our focus to what is ultimately uncontrollable. Going back to the number of things we can control, It's a small list: attitude, effort, and response. That's it. The thermostat controls the room, not the outside forces. Living in Florida for about 20 years, I'm used to the air-conditioned unit never stopping. Those hot summer months are brutal with high temperatures and high humidity. You sweat just walking to your car and back. But inside it's a comfortable 72. Now imagine opening all the windows in the house in an effort to cool the temperature outside. How effective is that going to be? Heck, let's get all of the air conditioning units in the neighborhood, in the city, and have everyone open their windows in hopes of cooling the outside temperature. That'll make a dent, right? Of course not. The outside forces are just too strong. Therefore, the time, effort, and money put into trying to change it would be a waste. So in our lives, we need to be really clear when it comes to choosing the things we are going to try to control and the things we are going to work to influence. There's little we can control, but when it comes to influence, we're all influencers. My kids come to me all the time and tell me some crazy story, fact, or news. My initial response is always, where did you hear that from? Ah, some guy. What guy? Who? Ah, some guy on TikTok. There it is. Now, I'm not saying that the information they are passing on to me is incorrect, although it usually is, or grossly out of context. But for the most part, they accept most of what they see and hear as fact. That's a dangerous game in a world where each of us are our own television station, news outlet, and soapbox. There is endless access to unlimited information with no checks or balances in place to verify its validity. I can say anything I want, and my impact is simply dependent on my reach. When the Washington Post publishes an article, it has been fact-checked through multiple editors, verifying multiple sources as well as being vetted by lawyers before going to print. My perspective is less credible than the Washington Post's simply based on what it takes for them to publish something. I don't have to cite any sources. I can say whatever I want. And yes, even the Washington Post, like all news sources, has a bias. But they still need to back up everything they publish as fact or else they stand the risk of being sued. Some politicians like to throw around the term fake news when confronted with facts they don't like, but not liking them doesn't make them fake. At the time that I'm writing this book, the Washington Post has 6.8 million followers. Joe Rogan has 18.9 million followers. Kim Kardashian has 364 million followers. Lionel Messi has 502 million followers, and that's just on Instagram. Not to brag, but I currently have over 3,000 followers. Yeah, take that, Messi. So who has more influence, the Washington Post or any of those celebrities? It's clearly not the Washington Post. When it comes to the opinions and forces behind so much influence in popular culture, You want to be mindful of the sources of that influence. All of this to say, the last 15 years has seen a major shift in what it means to have influence. Gone are the days of the big 3 TV networks and newspaper publications ruling the influence over culture and society. Everyone with a phone is a news source. Each of us has at our fingertips the ability to share and spread our feelings and ideas worldwide. In an instant. None of us are in control of everything happening in the world, but we all are influencers. If you are like me, when I picture an influencer, I envision someone in their 20s telling me about their skincare routine, 5:30 AM workout, or latest diet that requires no exercise to lose 30 pounds. And I'm here to say, tell me more. Seriously, tell me, uh, tell me about your skincare routine. Yes, I'm cynical when it comes to the term influencer. In a recent Morning Consult poll, 54% of Americans ages 13 to 38 aspire to become an influencer if given the chance. Sidebar, I wrote this 2 years ago and that number is actually coming down. Less people are saying they want to be influencers. All right, back to the book. And the reason I am cynical is because influencer essentially means famous. To hear a young person say, I want to be an influencer, it really feels like they're saying, I want to have a huge social media following allowing me to do cool things, experience amazing events, and live a luxurious lifestyle. For years, actors would often be asked, do you want to be an actor or do you want to be famous? Yes, many of our Hollywood stars are both, but for every Emma Stone, there are thousands of talented men and women working in theaters around the world, extremely gifted and spectacularly broke. Talent and income don't always go hand in hand. So when we think of influencers and the people we let into our lives to inform us with their ideas, we should be careful not to confuse popularity with credibility. I remember back in 2005 when I decided I wanted to become a speaker and coach. It was the real beginning of the path I'm on now to And I had no idea what the journey ahead looked like. I still remember my good friend, a professional actor then and now, talking to me one day and telling me, there's not a lot of work out there these days for philosophers. He couldn't have been more right. Here I was, 32 years old and starting from square one. Actually, if there's a starting point lower than square one, maybe, maybe zero. That was me, an influencer. I was not. When we think of influencers, what gets measured is the number of followers. It makes sense. More followers equal more influence. You might have the greatest product, solution, or idea in the world, but if you don't have any followers, does it matter? We've all heard the old saying, if a tree falls in the woods and no one captures it on Instagram, did it really happen? I think that's how that goes. But if we start to look at the impact we have on people's lives based on the number of social media followers, It'll never be enough. Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who is a professional soccer player. He has a ton of social media followers and appears to be living a charmed life, yet he is no different than you and me when it comes to getting caught in the comparison game. We both laughed that no matter how good your day is going, all you need to do is get on social media, start scrolling, and you'll immediately start finding people doing better than you. So it appears. All the good in your life gets erased because someone else seems to be doing better. The famous Stoic quote says it all: comparison is the thief of joy. We're right back to opening the window and hoping our AC unit will cool the whole neighborhood. Our focus is too big. Real influencers are not concerned with social media followers, but rather the person and opportunity right in front of them. As I joked earlier, my social media following isn't impressing anyone. Yet I find opportunities every day to be an influencer. Not an influencer, an influencer. A real boots on the ground, looking you in the face, door holding, smiling, kind, patient, stranger caring, small talking influencer. As I mentioned earlier in the book, in reference to neutral thinking, We cannot control 100% of what happens to us, but we control 100% of how we respond. And the control we have in our response is not controlling the outcome, it's influencing it. Our responses and actions influence results, they don't control them. The thermostat sets the temperature for the room, but it doesn't control what happens in the room. The same is true for us in every role and relationship we have. I don't control my kids, but how I show up and treat them day in and day out has tremendous influence. I do not control my boss or coworkers, yet how I show up as a colleague influences how they treat me. I don't control the other drivers on the road, but the way I drive influences the safety on the road. And to all of you athletes out there, you do not control the outcomes of games, But how you show up and perform, and your attitude and effort, has great influence over your success and the result of the game. Don't be the thermometer who falls victim to the surroundings. Be the thermostat that responds consistently and effectively regardless of the chaos happening around you. Courage is about influence, not control. Knowing we can't control the results gives us freedom to commit to the moment. Realizing I am not in control allows me to focus on my influence. I am not responsible for my kids' happiness, so I can just focus on loving them, supporting them, and being a good dad. Knowing that the result of the game is not in my control gives me the freedom to just play and do the best I can. So much of the tension and anxiety that we take on That makes situations so intimidating is the amount of noise and distraction outside of our control. For the thermostat to do its job effectively, we need to close the windows. And for us to stay focused, neutral, and effective, we need to be able to block out the distractions outside of our control. Be the thermostat, not the thermometer. Recently I was with a team, and before the game, the coach asked the players what the difference is between a potato and an egg when you put them in hot water. The egg, he said, is soft inside, but in the hot water it becomes hardened. The potato that begins, that begins hard, once it's in the hot water, becomes soft. He continued telling the room that when we find ourselves in hot water, don't let the pressure make you stiff or soft. It's a great analogy, but he left out a 3rd key ingredient. After the talk, I pulled him aside and said, you forgot about the coffee beans. And he said, what do you mean? I asked him, how does the coffee bean change when you put it in hot water? I don't know, he said. I said, it doesn't. The consistency of the coffee bean isn't impacted by the hot water. Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, and what happens to the hot water? It turns into coffee. Exactly. An egg and potato are changed in hot water and have zero impact on the water. But the coffee bean? The coffee bean isn't affected by the hot water and instead transforms all of the hot water into coffee. We want to be the coffee bean. No matter how hot the water around us becomes, we don't change. And we transform everything and everyone around us. That's real influence. I used the coffee bean analogy with a pro player before one of his games. He was struggling with his confidence because no matter what he did, the coach never seemed to be satisfied. This player had been dealing with this for nearly 2 years, and he kept responding and continuously proving his worth earning playing time. I tried to reinforce his self-belief by reminding him that he always responds to the challenge, and this time is no different. That's who you are. You're the coffee beans. He went out that night and assisted both goals for his team. As he came over to the sidelines, we caught eyes and he said, coffee beans. Thermostats, coffee beans. Influence. Courage is understanding we might lose, but we play the game anyway. Courage is knowing she might not love me back, yet I still tell her how I feel. Courage is speaking up even when no one else might have our back, because the only thing that hurts more than failure is the regret of not knowing we didn't go for it and living our life asking ourselves, What if, what if I was too nervous to ask my wife on a date? What if I was too afraid to take that first improv class? What if I never took the time to send my book to Greg? What are you talking about? Book to Greg? Cliffhanger. I guess you'll need to read the next chapter. Here are your chapter 9 reflection questions. Be honest with yourself when it comes to handling uncertainty. Do you tend to be a thermometer or the thermostat? What people in your life do you wish you could influence more? What courageous action are you willing to try? All right. That concludes chapter 9. I'll see y'all soon for chapter 10.