Episode 104: Stop Competing!

And hello everyone. Welcome to episode 104 of the Weekly Yes And Podcast. I'm your host, Travis Thomas, the host of the Weekly Yap and the creator of Live Yes And. This is episode 104. Today's podcast is Stop Competing, and this is in partnership and conjunction with our good friends at Inspired to Give. That website is inspiredtogive.org, of which I am a contributor, and the weekly Yes! And podcast is often shared with the Inspired to Give community. So happy to share today's podcast with Inspired to Give. Today's podcast is called Stop Competing. Today's all about stop competing, this idea of competition. And when some of us think of competition, we either have a couple of concepts in our head. We see it as a really healthy idea that spurs innovation, creativity, it spurs growth. Sometimes we see competition in a very sort of negative light where we see the worst in people, where it's ego-driven and it is Driven by force or driven by this sense of winning over, over growth. So today is all about this idea of stop competing. So we're talking about the negative side of it. On the positive side of competition, at its sort of purest form, competition really actually is a super healthy thing. It's the idea of going along with, where one or more people are pushing each other to new heights outside their comfort zone to reach the best of their possible potential, right, by pushing each other. But it's about the individual growth or the team growth. It's not about necessarily defeating or looking better than the other person. It's, it's pushing each other to our own individual heights, but not having the outcome sort of be the source of either the success or not, which most of us associate competition with. In my book, 3 Words for Getting Unstuck: Live Yes, And, one of my chapters is all about cooperation instead of competition or collaboration instead of competition. That's kind of the idea here today. I just went through a recent example, a job, kind of a high-profile job I was pursuing and how Those of us involved decided to take the route of collaboration over competition. I also just came back from a soccer weekend with my son's soccer team and the soccer club of which I am the performance director. So I got to spend a lot of time on the sidelines of many games, many different age groups, and I got to sort of see competition at its dirty worst. From coaches who screamed the entire game to parents who mocked other players, who mocked the referees, who screamed at opposing players and parents, to players themselves losing their own emotional well-being from the result of a game or the result of a call. And I find myself in situations like that, and I'm saddened, and it makes me angry, and it just reminds me of often how far we have removed ourselves from the point and the purpose and the healthy side of competition. And I am guilty of this. just like anyone else, of allowing myself to get emotionally charged by a sporting event, to feel a certain attachment to an outcome or a result, which is always a great red flag for me to step back and go, okay, why are you so attached to this outcome? What are you making this outcome mean? So if I am so attached to my son's, you know, 11-and-under team winning a game, what am I making that mean for me? Is it a reflection of me? Is it just simply wanting to see my son do well? So it's kind of taking a healthy stock for that. And I often do that when I find myself getting emotionally charged. I like to tell parents, as soon as you become emotionally charged on the sidelines, the game is no longer about your child. The game is about you. You have made it about you instead of their individual experience. And so I use that sort of as a benchmark a lot. I just got back last night from working with a high-profile college football team. I was working with their strength coaches who are going to be working out with these guys all summer. And we were working on how do we as coaches create and nurture deeper, more meaningful, authentic relationships with these players. And the reason being The deeper and more authentic the relationship, the more we're going to be able to tap into the potential of the player because they are going to feel understood and valued. And as a result, we are giving them permission to be more vulnerable. And the more vulnerable a player is, or a coworker, or anyone in a relationship with, the more vulnerable they are, the more barriers that are going to, to come in between growth and progress. And so, as we develop that trust in the relationship, now we can coach a lot better or manage a lot better or have a better relationship because we're no longer hiding behind insecurities and fear. And so, got the opportunity to do that with a great coaching staff this weekend. I got a chance to do that back in March with a professional baseball organization with their player development staff with the same idea. And the big idea that we worked on with the baseball team was there are no sides. And you all have heard me talk about that before. When it comes to a staff working together or a team working together or an organization working together, we turn our coworkers, our teammates, our coaches, our players into our competition instead of seeing, no, we are all on the same page. The goal of the coach is to maximize the potential of the player. It's not to compete with the player. It's to get on the same side as them and vice versa. Because performance and excellence and growth is the outcome. But we often get caught in this model of— it feels like it's coaches versus players, managers versus employees, spouse against spouse. I catch myself in my own relationship doing that, or parents versus kids, when the reality is there are no sides. And when we make everything a competition, which we do in our culture, we always put someone on another side. What do we do politically? We create sides. What do we do socially? We create sides. What do we do racially? We create sides. And the reality is there are no sides. When we can erase this idea of these lines in the sand, now it puts us all on the same side. And when we operate from the mental approach that we're all on the same side, we are now in collaboration with one another compared to being in competition with one another. Now, we're looking for solutions instead of getting caught up on differences. That is a huge mental shift. And that was the focus working with these coaches, both at the football and the baseball level. And as coaches, to be able to model vulnerability. That great new book, The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle, is the more we as leaders model vulnerability We give everyone else permission to be vulnerable themselves, which increases authenticity and increases safety, which therefore increases overall performance. And isn't that what it is all about? If you get a chance on Netflix right now, great movie documentary called Take Your Pills. It's about how pervasive Adderall has become, especially in white suburban America. in the suburbs, college culture. Adderall has been just this drug that is an illegal drug, but it's just sold and traded and distributed as if it's not because all of these high school and college kids are needing to stay up to work on projects. And, you know, it is— it's an amphetamine that is highly addictive, highly dangerous. And as this documentary is going on, it's like, what is What is driving this? And it's this sense of everyone is being driven by this sense of competition. I've got to be better than my teammate. I mean, I've got to be better than my classmate, my teammate. I've got to be better. I've got to be better. I've got to be the best. I've got to get this, this whole, again, this competition mindset. We've turned education into a competition. We've turned life into a competition. We've turned our careers into competition. And when we approach things that way, we shut down our ability to be collaborators and cooperators. Excuse me. Because we're constantly seeing everyone around us as our enemy and how limiting that is when we do that. So, I recently just typed— I was going to say pinned, but I can't remember the last time I have pinned anything. It is a blog that is going to accompany this podcast. It's called Stop Competing. It was really inspired by my recent experience of going through this job situation. And so, it ties in ideas I've been talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and read it for you now. It's called Stop Competing. When I work with sports teams, I tell the players they are not competing with their teammates. When I go into schools, I tell the students they are not competing with their classmates. When I work with companies, I tell them they are not competing with their coworkers. When I work with husbands and wives, I remind them they are not competing with their spouse. We have done an amazing job turning every aspect of our life into a competition, when in reality it's not. You see, great athletes use other great athletes to inspire and motivate them to become better. They use the excellence of other athletes to push them to new heights. Yes, they are competing with the other athletes, but the end result is about how they are personally growing and improving, and not about just looking better than the other athlete. Great learners understand that education is not a competition. Our focus on standardized test scores, GPAs, and extracurricular activities in order to get into better colleges has turned school into a sport. We deem the valedictorian the MVP over everyone else, thus reinforcing the idea that we should be comparing ourselves to the students sitting next to us. But real learners know that true competition is internal. Their pursuit of knowledge is not in competition with someone else. Inspired companies don't pit worker against worker. They understand that collaboration is far more powerful than competition because it is the result of building a culture and environment where people are safe enough to show up authentically, thus bringing their best to the table. Companies that thrive tap into the collective brilliance found in the diversity of thought of the whole Instead of searching for the limited genius of a few. Healthy marriages and families remember that love is not a competition. Your wedding vows were not a checklist of things your spouse must do in order to receive your love. You are not competing with your children to reinforce your value. You were all brought together and put together in relationship to celebrate the beauty of power of your love in a way that supports and magnifies each other's growth. Life is not a competition. Life is a collaboration. I was personally reminded of this recently when I unexpectedly found myself as a final candidate for a job I was entertaining. It was publicly announced that the search had narrowed it down to 3 of us. Of course, my ego was curious to know who the other 2 candidates were and how I stacked up against them. Then a funny thing happened. I got a message on Facebook from one of the other candidates. She had reached out to me and the other gentleman and invited us into a conversation to celebrate that we were the final 3. The other guy and I gladly accepted, and the 3 of us began talking about the position and how impressed we were with each other. Truly, we weren't blowing smoke. When I looked at the background of the other 2 candidates, there was no doubt in my mind they were qualified for the position. and would do an awesome job. So instead of letting my ego get the best of me, I was able to let go of the outcome and just know that the right person for the job would get hired. During the final phase of interviews, the woman that reached out to us withdrew from the process. That left just me and the other guy, who I had known for years, to see who got selected. As the process went on, the two of us talked a few times and supported each other through the interviews. It was so refreshing to find myself being able to express this collaborative approach to life that I am always sharing with others. Instead of competing with each other, we were supporting each other. This felt so much more natural and refreshing, and it made dealing with the outcome less personal. Living Yes, And is about being in collaboration with life. You are probably tired of hearing that from me, But it's true. It also means being in collaboration with everyone in our life instead of seeing them as the competition, or the other, or the enemy, or the person who may take what is ours. Life has taught me that the more I collaborate with others, the more opportunities that come back my way. I think it is time to finally listen to the words of the man wise beyond his years. Vanilla Ice when he says, stop, collaborate, and listen. Yep, you heard him. Are you listening? So that is my most recent blog, Stop Competing, which will also be found in the thread for this podcast. If we are able to make this mental shift from seeing everyone outside of ourselves as the competition and starting to realize that the more we take care of each other, the more we support one another, The more people are wanting to celebrate and support us. It's human nature. When you hold a door for someone, how often do they hold the next door for you? When you help someone out of a jam, how often do they want to help you out of your next jam? Comparatively, the next time someone looks like they need help and they see that you are unwilling to help them, how willing are they going to be to help you the next time you find yourself in a jam? Instead, if we would tap into the collective genius of the whole and see that no matter how brilliant we are, we can never be more brilliant than the diverse ideas found in the group. And it's beautiful. That is what collaboration is all about. So stop competing. That doesn't mean stop trying your hardest. That doesn't mean pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. That does not mean striving for excellence, but it does mean stop seeing everyone else around you as a hindrance and start seeing them as a helper. That's episode 104, Stop Competing. Thank you for listening to the weekly Yes And podcast. If you enjoyed this, please go to iTunes and write a review or give me a rating. And make sure you check out my website, liveyesand.com, or follow me on social media @LiveYesAnd. And please, please, please check out Inspired to Give at inspiredtogive.org. Thanks for joining me, everyone. That's the Weekly Yap. Have a wonderful, wonderful day. Love you, Juju. Love you, too.