Vicky Samios teaches leaders and partners how to regulate emotions instead of reacting defensively. The core tools: recognize your triggers, pause to breathe, take a walk if needed, then return to the conversation calmer. Active listening and matching someone's communication style (auditory, visual, kinesthetic) make them feel heard.
Chapters
Connecting the disconnect in your relationships. When it comes to addressing disconnect in relationships, incorporating the brain-based tools that you've learned and some others I'll share with you right now can be highly effective in fostering understanding, empathy, and effective communication. So you can use what I'm going to teach you now in your personal life and also around anyone, your peers, your team that you work with or you lead. Here are some brain-based tools that can help you bridge that disconnect in your relationships. And they're really nice insights here, and now that you will be aware of them, you'll be able to mindfully respond and even talk about feedback as well in a really, in a right way. Peers, those you work with, your team, your partner, your family, everyone. So the first key thing is active listening. So connecting is through listening. Learn to listen. Learn to practice the active listening by giving your full attention to another person. So don't have your phone while someone's talking to you, okay? Eh, it could be disrespectful or can feel like it's just disrespect from somebody. And we do this a lot to our kids, right? So be very mindful if you have children. Leave the phone aside. Things aren't going to change. You're not going to change the world by having it there, and really focus on listening to the person you are listening to, and engage in attentive and nonjudgmental listening. So I know there'll be times when you want to interject, refrain from that. If you're waiting for the right time, the right time is now. Applyformentorship.com. Now let's get back to the video. Listening to them by making noises, that's fine, just don't interrupt their pattern of thought until they are done. People need to feel heard. How many times have you gone somewhere and you need to feel heard? And so even if this is in your workplace where someone's complaining, whether it's a patient, a client, or someone within the team, and it's important for you to listen actively and hear them out. When people feel like you've heard them, they feel content. So something in them is like, oh, I told, I told what I needed to tell. So focus on words, focus on body language, and we know about the body language, the 55% is just your body language, right, of communication. You're the tone that they're talking to you with and then the tone you speak back at. And the mirroring, so we know about mirroring neurons, so mirroring somebody. So as I mentioned, like if you're doing this or someone's doing that, mirror their communication style. And we know some of us are absolutely auditory people. So people who are auditory will just be intently looking at you and listening to you. Whereas those who are visual will connect with, let's say, you've got a presentation, something behind you. So the visual people will be looking at this photo, looking at me, and kind of connecting dots and things like that. And then there's the kinesthetic. So people who like a combination of both, so there's just a balance of both. If you're waiting for the right time, the right time is now. Applyformentorship.com. Now let's get back to the video. Be very mindful about when you are communicating. Communicating with someone, what personality profile they are. So you could do a quick DISC in your head, and that will really let you know how to communicate and how to best put your message forward as well, and what they like as well. Do they like to be heard? Uh, really, really vital step for you. So if you have that key quality that you can assess somebody and that you can just pick it like that, it takes practice, It is very important, and your body language in return to that will also give that nice connection and establish rapport. So we can do that with our patients as well, with our clients, and if you are in a business meeting, whatever it is, this connection is something that you build, and it builds trust too, and it helps build the rapport. As I mentioned, it enhances understanding. So by actively listening, and it also validates this person's perspective. You expect similar from them to you. So depending on what the conversation is, very important. And this is a huge one, emotional regulation. How hard is it sometimes to those who have children and own a business, so to the mums here, how hard is it to control your stress? Let's say you've received this email, you're with your kids, your mind's like, I just need to deal with this, but then you've got your kids going, 'Mum, mum,' or saying, 'I'm hungry,' or, 'I'm coming, I'm bottom, I'm on the toilet,' if you've got young kids. And you're thinking, well, this is not the right time, I just want to deal with this problem. It's really important that you emotionally regulate, and there are many skills that you can do to achieve this. And you can manage your own emotions by really being aware of what it is that triggering you, what it is that is going on for you inside, and what's really important in the moment. Immediately, instantly prioritizing, well, is this really important right now? Like, I really need to put my attention to something else. Or another thing might be that you're highly triggered and your emotions are like up through the roof. So what do you need to do so that you don't have a blow-up, you know, so that you don't go off at your kids or your partner for no reason? What do you do? You walk away, right? Go outside for a walk, go on your veranda, go in your garden. Just go out the front door and say, 'I'll be back a minute.' Put some earphones on, block out the background noise, and go lock yourself in the bathroom or your bedroom. Have a moment to breathe alone. That's the only way to emotionally regulate and rise above whatever stress triggers and whatever's going on for you in that moment. So your responses, you are in control of. You can't blame other people for you responding a certain way to a trigger or to something that's upset you. You have the power within you, and it's all in here because this is what's affected— your heart— when you are emotionally triggered. So do what it takes for you to be calmer and to have a really sort of more peaceful demeanour. If you need help with that, go and see a professional, absolutely. And bring down your walls. Reduce potential defensiveness and get your emotions down. When they're really heightened, you cannot converse, you cannot solve the world's problems, you cannot even solve the smallest problem. You want constructive dialogue, and that can only happen when emotional regulation is at play. So I'm not saying hide your emotions and sweep them under the rug. I'm saying acknowledge them, say, yep, they're here, and figure out why, why you're feeling that way. And if you need a moment, step away, then come back. You're going to be a renewed person because the chances are that whatever's going on for you is this internal thing and it's not really said or done. It's the triggers that it and the emotions that it brings up inside you.
