The Secret to Managing Up: How I Stopped Being Frustrated at Work

Picture this. You're in a meeting when your boss announces a decision that you know is just going to make your life and your team's life more complicated. Your internal voice immediately starts, why don't they think this through? Don't they realize how this impacts us? If they just understood our workflow better, then you spend the rest of the day, maybe the rest of the week, mentally cataloging everything they don't understand about your department, your challenges, and your team's needs. I spent way too much energy getting frustrated with what my leaders were lacking instead of focusing on what I could actually control. I would get so mad about decisions that directly impacted me and my team, forgetting that my leaders are people too, with their own pressures, blind spots and challenges. And then I discovered something that didn't just change how I managed up, it transformed how I show up as a leader for my own team. Because the day I stopped focusing on what my boss was lacking and started focusing on my own locus of control, everything shifted. I'm Dr. Cara and if you've been following this who's Dr. Kara series, you know my journey from control focused leader to connected leader. We talked about the toddler who taught me that connection trumps control, how I stopped hustling for worthiness, and Monday's elevator epiphany about creating space for people to be authentic. Today on Worthy Wednesday, I want to share one of the most practical discoveries of my leadership journey. How I learned that managing up isn't about managing at all, it's about serving everyone better. This realization didn't just make my leaders jobs easier, it completely transformed how I developed my own team members and what it means to be a value add in every relationship. Let me paint you a picture of my pre enlightenment approach to dealing with leadership decisions and see if you recognize yourself in this story. I would sit in meetings listening to decisions that I knew would directly impact my team. My brain would immediately go to they don't understand our workload. They're not thinking about how this affects our deadlines. Why don't they ask us? Before making these calls, I became the queen of mental leadership critique. I had running commentary on everything my leaders didn't know about my department's reality. I couldn't understand why they couldn't see what seemed so obvious to me. Here's the thing. I wasn't trying to fix them. I was just frustrated. Really frustrated. These decisions were affecting my team's ability to do good work and it felt like my leaders were making choices in a vacuum. I would spend hours after Meetings, venting to colleagues or going home and replaying conversations, focusing on everything they were missing, everything they didn't understand about what we were dealing with on a ground level. A wake up call came when I realized I was spending more energy being frustrated with what my leaders lacked than I was spending on figuring out how to work within the reality of their decisions. That's when I realized I was losing sight of something crucial. My leaders are people too. They have their own pressures, their own blind spots, their own challenges that I couldn't see. And focusing on what they were lacking wasn't helping anyone, especially not my team. What I didn't realize was happening while I was busy focusing on what my leaders were lacking, I was making everyone's job harder, including my own. When you spend your energy frustrated with decisions from above, you carry that frustration to your team. When you're focused on what your leaders don't understand, you're not focused on how you can help your team navigate the reality of those decisions. I was getting so mad about decisions that directly impacted me and my team that I was forgetting something fundamental. My leaders were people too. They have their own pressures I can't see, information I don't have, and challenges that I'm likely not aware of. Here's what reality hit me. I was spending all this energy on what I couldn't control. Their decision process making, their understanding of my department, their communication style. Meanwhile, I was neglecting what was absolutely within my control. That's when I made a decision that changed everything. I was going to focus on my locus of control, my sphere of influence. I could control how I communicated decisions to my team, how I supported them through changes, and how I anticipated needs so I could be a value add. I learned real managing up isn't about managing your manager at all. It's about strategically supporting everyone, up, down, and sideways so the whole system works better. Instead of coming to meetings with critiques, I started coming with proposals. When I heard about a new priority, I would look at how my work and and my team's strengths could align with that priority. I stopped waiting for problems to get solved from above. And I started saying, I see this challenge. Here are three potential solutions I've thought through. What might I be missing? What's in my blind spot that I should consider? The moment I shifted from trying to control my leaders and trying to serve the mission, everything changed. Not only did I make their jobs easier, I made my job and my team's jobs easier. That's when it hit me. This was another connection moment. Real managing up is about communication, attunement, anticipating needs. All the same skills I use to connect with my team just applied in a different direction. I realized leadership isn't about managing people at all. It's about connecting with people, understanding what they need to be successful, and doing everything in your power to help them get there. Whether they report to you or you report to them. Some of you may be thinking, but Dr. Kara, what if my boss is really doing things wrong? What if their approach is genuinely making my job harder? Trust me, I've been there. Here's what I have learned. You can't control how other people lead, but you can control how you respond to their leadership. Instead of asking, why don't they do this better? I started asking, how can I anticipate what they need? Instead of they should communicate differently, I started thinking, how can I communicate in a way that serves everyone? Here's where the magic happened. When I started managing up strategically, my team members started doing the same thing with me. I was modeling initiative, taking analytical thinking, strategic planning, all by showing them how to be a value add rather than a critic. Think about it. Are you spending more energy trying to change how your leaders lead or figuring out how to support what you're all trying to accomplish together? There's something powerful that happens when you shift from trying to fix people to trying to serve the mission. Let me show you exactly what that looks like. This discovery became central to everything I now understand about connected leadership. Receive. Instead of immediately judging what my leaders were doing wrong, I started receiving information about what they were trying to accomplish perceive. I got curious about their priorities, their pressures, their blind spots. Not to critique them, but to understand how I could support them respond. I responded with proposals, solutions and strategic thinking rather than criticism or control attempts. This is who I am, someone who desires to add value to all anything I do and anyone I come in contact with. That's the mark I hold to myself. When I miss that mark because I'm human, I give myself grace. I reflect on what happened and learn so I can be a value add if I'm placed in the same situation in the future. When I started modeling this approach, something incredible happened with my team. They began taking more initiative, displaying their analytical and critical thinking skills, increasing their strategic thinking because they saw how to be partners in a mission rather than critics of a process. I realized management isn't really leadership at all in this context. Leadership is all the other things. Connecting, attuning to needs, serving the people and the mission. Leadership is about making everyone around you more successful. Here's what I want you to walk away with today. This is the most important insight I can share about what it means to be a value add leader. When you stop trying to control how others lead and start focusing on how you can serve everyone around you, you don't just become a better leader, you become a better team member. You become the type of leader that people want to follow. Your team doesn't need you to fix your boss. They need you to model what strategic thinking, initiative taking, and value adding leadership actually looks like. They need to see how to anticipate needs, propose solutions, and serve the mission. Next, we're diving into something that might surprise you. The moment that I realized my greatest leadership breakthrough wasn't learning something new, it was unlearning something that was holding me back. But right now, I want you to try this. Instead of focusing on what you wish someone above you would do differently, ask yourself, how can I anticipate what they need to be successful? How can I propose solutions instead of highlighting problems? Drop a comment and tell me where in your leadership have you been trying to manage up through control instead of service? What would change if you shifted to being a value add? Here's what I want you to know about who I am. I'm someone that learned true leadership isn't about managing people in any direction. It's about connecting with everyone around you, asking, how can I help you be successful? When you leave from that place, everything changes.