A short motivational/psychological talk by Dr. Cara arguing that deflecting compliments reinforces imposter syndrome and prevents accurate self-assessment. She contrasts internal self-doubt with external acknowledgement, explains the costs of returning praise (training the brain to dismiss competence and demotivating recognizers), and offers practical habits: respond with 'thank you', keep an evidence log of compliments, and accept team credit only after receiving praise. The piece frames accepting compliments as a way to 'know your worth' and update self-perception with external data.
Chapters
Picture this moment. Your boss pulls you aside after a presentation and says, that was exceptional work. Really impressed with how you handled those tough questions. And instead of saying thank you, you immediately respond with, oh, it was nothing. The team did most of the work. I just got lucky with the timing. It really wasn't that great. I totally messed up the third slide. Then you spend the rest of the day replaying the conversation, wondering if they were being sincere or just polite. If this sounds familiar, you're not just being humble. You're actively rejecting evidence of your competence and reinforcing the belief that you're a fraud. Today, I'm going to show you why you can't accept a compliment and what it's costing you. Let's discuss what's actually happening when you deflect a compliment. Imagine a leader who just completed a major project. It came in under budget, ahead of schedule, and exceeded every performance metrics. The executive team is thrilled. At the celebration meeting, the CEO says, this is exactly the kind of leadership we need more of. Well done. Here's what happens in the leader's mind the next three seconds. Internal response. They don't know how chaotic it was behind the scenes, and they certainly don't know that I almost missed the critical deadline. If they knew how many mistakes I made along the way, they wouldn't be impressed. I don't even deserve this praise. I just managed not to completely fail. External response. Oh, thank you. But really, it was just all the team. I just kept things organized. Here's what just happened psychologically with the CEO. Offered a gift. An acknowledgement of your competence. Evidence that contradicts your imposter syndrome. What you did, you returned that gift unopened. You rejected the evidence and confirmed to yourself, see, I can't even accept praise honestly, because deep down I. I know I don't deserve it. The cost of this pattern. Internally, every deflected compliment reinforces the belief that you're a fraud. You're literally training your brain to reject evidence of your competence externally. When you deflect praise, you're actually telling the other person your judgment is wrong. You're mistaken about my abilities. Over time, they might stop offering recognition, not because you don't deserve it, but because you've taught them their feedback isn't valued for your team. When you deflect with it was all the team, you're inadvertently suggesting that their individual contributions didn't matter. And you're modeling that success should be minimized rather than celebrated. Consider the leader who responds to every compliment with self deprecation their team learns. Success is something to apologize for, excellence is something to downplay. That's not humility, that's shame disguised as modesty. Here's the insight that changed my perspective. When you deflect a compliment, you're not being humble. You're choosing your imposter syndrome's narrative over someone else's reality. Think about what you're actually saying. When you deflect, when someone says you did great work, you're essentially responding, you're wrong. Your perception is inaccurate. I know the truth about myself better than you do. But here's the question. What if their perception is more accurate than yours? What if your imposter syndrome is the distortion, not their compliment? This connects directly to the know your worth pillar of my framework for connected leadership. When you don't know your worth, when you believe your value is determined by your performance and validated by others, compliments become threats rather than gifts. They're threats because if you accept them, you'll have higher expectations to meet next time. If you believe them, you might get comfortable and see slip. If others see you accepting praise, they may think you're arrogant. If you internalize the success, you'll have further to fall when you inevitably fail. So you reject the compliment to protect yourself from future disappointment. But here's what actually happens. You create a reality where no amount of success will ever feel real. Picture a leader with a full wall of awards. They've been promoted five times, they've led teams to record breaking results, and they still feel like a fraud. Why? Because they spent years deflecting every piece of evidence that they're competent. They've trained their brain to dismiss success as luck, timing, or other people's work. This creates a devastating pattern. You achieve something significant, receive recognition. Deflect the recognition. Continue believing you're inadequate. Work even harder to prove yourself. Achieve something else significant, receive recognition. Deflect the recognition. And the cycle never ends because you refuse to let evidence in. Let's discuss what changes when you learn to accept a compliment. A few years ago, I received feedback from a client that my work had fundamentally changed how they showed up as a leader. They said, you helped me see myself differently. My immediate instinct was to deflect. You did the work. I just asked the questions. But I caught myself and I tried something different. I paused and took a breath. I said, thank you. That means a lot to me. I'm grateful that I could be a part of your journey. Here's what happened in that moment. I let the compliment in. I didn't inflate it. I didn't make it about my ego. I simply received the information about the value I provided. That shift from deflecting to receiving did something profound. It gave my brain permission to update its assessment of my competence. It allowed me to see myself through someone else's less distorted lens. And it honored their experience rather than dismissing it. Here's the truth most leaders don't realize. Accepting a compliment isn't arrogance, it's accuracy. When you say thank you without deflecting, you're not claiming to be perfect. You're simply acknowledging in this moment my work created value. And that's a data point about my confidence. You're not saying you're the best, you're saying you're capable. Deflecting equates to I reject this evidence. It reinforces imposter syndrome. It trains your brain to dismiss competence. It dishonors the person offering feedback. Accepting equates to I received this evidence. It updates your self assessment, builds a more accurate view of your abilities and honors the other person's experience. This is what know your worth actually looks like in practice. You anchor in your intrinsic value, which means you can accept compliments without letting them inflate your ego. And you you can handle criticism without letting it destroy your sense of self. Your worth is constant. Compliments and criticisms are just data about your performance, not verdicts on your value. Here's your practice this week and I'm warning you, this will feel uncomfortable at first. The two word response. Next time someone gives you a compliment, your only response is thank you. That's it, Two words? Then close your mouth. No. But no, it was nothing. No deflecting to the team, no self deprecating joke. Just thank you. Breathe. Receive it. Let it land. Why this is so hard. Your brain will immediately generate reasons to deflect. They'll think I'm arrogant. I need to acknowledge my team. I don't want them to have unrealistic expectations. I should point out what I did wrong, notice those thoughts and say thank you anyway. The advanced practices after you say thank you, write down the compliment exactly as they said it. Start a document called evidence on your phone. Every compliment, every piece of positive feedback and every acknowledgement, write it down. Not to inflate your ego, but to counteract your brain's negativity bias. Because here's what your brain does naturally. It remembers criticism with perfect clarity and dismisses compliments as flukes. You're creating a factual record to combat that distortion. If you're genuinely concerned about giving credit to your team. You can add this after your thank you. You can say thank you. I'm grateful to have such a capable team. Their work made this possible. Notice the difference. You accepted the compliment first, then you acknowledged the team. You didn't use the team as a shield to deflect the recognition. Here's what I need you to understand. Every time you deflect a compliment, you're making a choice. You're choosing the voice of your imposter syndrome over the reality of your competence. You're choosing familiar discomfort over accurate self assessment. The people giving you compliments aren't lying to you. You. They're not confused. They're not just being polite. They're offering you evidence and you keep sending it back. What if this week you let in the evidence? What if this week you let the evidence in? What if you trusted someone else's perception of your value more than your imposter syndrome's narrative? What if you said thank you and meant it? Drop a comment and tell me what is the hardest compliment for you to accept? Accept? For me, it's when someone says, you changed my perspective. I immediately want to give credit to their own insight. What's yours? If this made you feel uncomfortable in a good way, save it. You'll need this reminder. Accepting a compliment isn't arrogance. It's accuracy. So you say, hey, thank you.
